The X Factor: A post mortem

All great TV formats either die or outstay their welcome; except Big Brother. It happened to The Apprentice with it's suited goons, and it is happening to The X Factor as I write. So what went wrong? People go 'oh we're only a small island, we've run out of talent' but that's bullshit, new people are born, aren't they? They are, right. Some people were born in like, 1990 and shit. The fact is, it's just a tired out old format, being held up improbably, like Simon Cowell's face. But every cliff face eventually falls into the sea. I'll be surprised if we see this show back again, especially if it's true that ITV have bought The Voice (also crap, needless to say, but the US version has some legs).
So let's start with the judges. Rita Ora is at least attractive and opinionated, but shades of Jessie J do creep in and her clothes are getting increasingly 'Paloma Faith's supermarket sweep in Everything £5'. Noted racist Cheryl Tweedy wants it to be made illegal for people to talk about how skinny she looks, despite looking to quote Simon Cowell (discussing one of his own contestants) 'half dead'. But she does seems marginally less sour-faced than last year, but perhaps that's just because it's shrunk in diameter. My boyfriend expressed shock on hearing her age, and for some reason she does seem to be dressing like Joan Collins (I mean, what's with all the OAP pantsuits?), but it's a welcome antidote to Rita Ora's Wacaday 'look at me, aren't I weird?' fancy dress.
Nick Grimshaw is the most baffling addition to to panel, charisma-less, unlikeable and permanently startled-looking, like Stephen Mulherne's haunted ventriloquist dummy's understudy.  I think Morrissey once said of the Queen that she'd never said anything of interest and that's how I feel about 'Grimmy'. The most notable thing he's said in the past two months was last week when he called a black man aggressive for standing up for himself. 
Remember when Gary Barlow was there and we wanted Simon Cowell back? I mean, we were right, but it's not that great, is it? And I'm not saying I miss Louis Walsh, but you know. *I miss Louis Walsh*
Talking of missing people, who'd have thought the world's oldest schoolboy Dermot O Leary would be so pined for? I don't really get it as Caroline Flack and Olly WERE great on the Xtra Factor, but now seem wooden as fuck. I miss the old Caroline Flack with the two tone hair, not this stuck up one who writes a book about getting off with Harry Styles and Prince Harry then acts like someone's farted when she's asked questions about it in interviews.
I don't really mind about Olly reading out the wrong names or whatever, more the way he mangles the English language. 'Was you nervous?' Back to school, Murs!
The theme this week is 'jukebox' where allegedly we pick what they sing. Is that like the first week when they had to pick a song that summed themselves up and Bupsi was given a song she'd never heard of, just before being the customary black female first boot from the show?
So who have we lost so far? Bupsi, Reggae corpse Max Stone, not-aggressive-but-undoubtedly-crap Anton, Monica, who was rootable as she seemed like a decent person, that one that Rita chose over Monica who was so bland I can't even remember but was another black woman kicked off at the start, so cannon fodder, basically. Then there was the shrew-faced Mason Noise (good name, though) and the fabulous girly-boy Seann Miley Moore, who I can only assume was a victim of being Australian, gay, black and fabulous, as his voice was great. Ooh, and Alien Uncovered, which is probably now a 12-part TV show on the Discovery channel in which no aliens are uncovered. I liked them a lot. So they were bound to go instantly.
And so onto the contestants we have left, such as they are.
Louisa Johnson; stop tapping your fucking mic! It makes me CRINGE. She's an annoying, smug, snub nosed stage school brat, interchangeable from any previous contestant. Has she got an amazing voice? My mum seems to think so. I just want to punch her in the face. I remember Leona Lewis; not my kind of singer in any way, but she built and built until she was amazing. Her talent was undeniable. This girl does nothing for me, she doesn't have 'it'. She doesn't have shit. But her second performance (where she was styled by Kris Kardashian) tells me she's the chosen one. Rita even called her a 'musician.' That's like when Busted* pretend they can play guitars. *old person's reference
Fourth Impact's first audition was amazing, but they've failed to capture the hearts of the idiot general public like Reggie and Bollie. They're cute, they can sing, they can dance, yet I find myself bored by them now, and I don't know why. However, I like their little plastic toy boxes they've put them in for their second performance and they seem perkier. I prefer them rapping to ballading. And for the reasons discussed above, I don't think Rita Ora is in any position to judge people's styling.
Reggie and Bollie are the only ray of light in the show, fun, silly and genuinely happy to be there. I'm noyIt's great fun trying to guess what they'll sing each week, and we're still holding out for Chaka Demus and Pliers. They even bring a half smile to Cheryl's cadavery chops. Her mum dancing on stage with them was quite mental. It sounds like they're singing 'heads, shoulders, knees and toes' and I wouldn't put it past them. I like their styling. Ice lolly shirts FTW.
Lauren Murray aka Andrea from Corrie seems bored as fuck every week, and is always styled as if she's about to do a skydive. I read an interview with her in Heat magazine this week (I know, at my age) where she said she wasn't enjoying it and didn't even think she could win it, so why the fuck should I care if she lives or dies? It's meant to be YOUR dream. Why would I waste my free vote on you if you're gonna be such a little bitch about it? Tonight she looks like she's got work trousers on, but has paired them with a jazzy top as it's the office Christmas party. I don't think they've EVER got the styling right on this show, so why would they start now? She looks even worse for the second performance, like the sugar plum fairy, and the mic-tapping disease has spread her way, probably because they don't disinfect it between use. She also seems to have been inflicted with a case of head-bobbing itis.
Che Chesterman is the Paul Potts of this year, alleged great voice (ie. sings like he's got his knob stuck in a mousetrap) but looks Penfold done up for an interview at the Carphone Warehouse. (Simon just agreed, said he looks like he's 'just come from work'. Stop nicking my jokes, Simon.)  Apparently Che got the words wrong. I wouldn't know, I was too busy attacking his physical appearance. Lest we forget Rick Waller.
I don't even watch Xtra Factor anymore, and I used to watch it when Konnie Huq presented it. Just think about that for a second. Rochelle Humes is a vacant stare missing a soul and the little bald fella is fine (better than her dire wooden husband who presents The Voice) but come on now. Life's too short.
A cursory glance at my Timehop app sees me talking about X Factor contestants from five, six, seven, eight years ago, and I can't even remember their faces. When one or two acts inexplicably rise to the top, like Little Mix or One Direction, it's a mass hysteria, pot luck, and no indication of talent. Remember Aiden Grimshaw? Remember Tamara? There were talented, good looking people. Meanwhile, Olly Murs sells millions. It's enough to make you throw yourself into the sea. Simon Cowell: you nailed it.

The X Factor: The results

Tulisa, watch your hair in that St Lucia heat. Lay off the Sun-In, for fuck's sake. She's come as a stick of rock to go with the candy floss hair. Still, beats Northampton with Gary Barlow, doesn't it? My boyfriend reckons there's a Morrison's right behind 'Gary's house'.
I'm really glad Ella went through. She's the best of the girls by a mile. 
I want Irish Jade to go through but I like 'I'm-a-struggling-mum sob story' Jade as well. Irish Jade has got some great wonky lipliner and blue nail varnish on. She's unique!
The black girl is not going through because she has so little personality that I can't remember her name. And she just stomped off and didn't even say thanks for the opportunity. Bad loser.
I don't like the way you can't tell which one Tulisa's speaking to! It's really fucking annoying. It must be horrible for the losing person to watch it back, as you're literally a camera angle away from getting a yes. 
Oh no, she didn't put my Jade through! Boo. I thought she was really good. I don't think 'mum sob story' Jade is as good as Irish lipliner Jade. But I suppose she's more likeable because she's a MOTHER zzz.
I think Lucy's going through out of these last two. I do like the other one (who's name I've also forgotten - but the fact I've forgotten her name probably says it all). At least she said thank you for the opportunity. I'm glad Lucy made it; I hope they don't make her do covers every week, though.
I think MK1 are going to go through. I like the girl, she's cute. The other band is a bit too all over the place. Louis made the right choice; and he's very sorry. Poor dude from MK1 couldn't even jump up and celebrate because of his crutches.
Put Poisonous Twin through! I don't even know what this other young boyband are called. It's just another bunch of acronyms, no doubt. FKOF, perhaps. WTF, Louis sent Poisonous Twin home. Can't believe Louis did the 'it's not good news, it's great news' line. That shit is old as time. Both Poisonous Twin and Duke would be better than those
Triple J or whatever they're called now are up against this cheesy band. They're all holding hands. Barry Styles looks like he's going to cry. Oh, they did put them through.
Cheesy dudes went 'you're joking' when Louis ditched them. He's not.
Oh it's Union J who went through and nearly put Louis' back out cuddling him. Be careful, he mightget aroused. So two soppy boybands for Louis: thanks for the variety. Where's the Wagner/ Jedward?
James MUST go through. My boyfriend is saying he needs a makeover. He'll be back next week with Brandon Flowers' teeth, I bet you. Now Nicole is doing the 'it's not good news, it's... frikking amazing news' schtick. Aw, nice when he called home. Nice to have family who love you.
I don't think they're going to put Jake through because he looked at the floor the whole time he sang. It's a shame because he's easy on the eye.  He's got pedal pushers on, too. Did I miss the pedal pushers memo? Sorry to see Jake go.
I don't think Nathan is going through. He's nice enough, but he's too generic. I think Jahmene is going through. Nicole-bot is pretending to show emotion, badly. Jahmene was cute when he got through, he was speechless, bless him.
PUT RYLAN THROUGH! I'm going to hit the roof if they don't. He's mega. He'll wear the best outfits, too. He'll be fabulous in every sense of the word.
This other beardy bloke Adam didn't do that great. He's cute but he's no Jake.
Rylan's reaction to being put through was the best reaction to being put through in a competition EVER. Fucking brilliant! I cried, I laughed. You could tell he 100% thought it was a no. He slumped on the floor wailing, he wiped his face on a cushion, he said 'is this a wind up?' and told Dermot he was 'bang out of order' for no particular reason. Nicole Scherzinger didn't know where to look. It was truly heartwarming TV - just pure happiness. 
I'm not surprised Gary didn't put Grotbags through, he never liked her, but he seems to have a hard-on for that annoying hippy.
I knew he'd put Kye through. Brad going 'I thought I was going to get a yes'. Don't EVER think that. I wouldn't ever presume such a thing.
I can't remember what this brunette woman is called, but she's not going through. She looks like Natasha Giggs. OMG he did put her through! I was sure he was going to cut her. Weird.
I think Gary must be putting Christopher through over Melanie now. Melanie: 'to leave my children is such a sacrifice' - well, I didn't ask you to have them, so spare me the martyrdom. Who's her daughter anyway, Nicola Roberts?
Christopher might give Rylan a run for his money in the blub factor if he gets through. OMG, Gary put Melanie through! What a load of balls. She's rubbish. How could he put Melanie and the brown haired woman through over him?! Ha, Melanie's daughter IS a mini Nicola Roberts.    
Oh OK, there's a twist and one more person can go through. It's between Amy, Christopher, Adam and Times Red (Good band name - snort). Vote Christopher!
There's three interesting characters to watch in the live shows at least: Ella, James and Rylan.
It's good news.... my blog's over.

X Factor: (Not the) Judges houses

Ok so I'm blogging X Factor even after declaring I'd never watch it again. I've been enjoying X Factor US and The Voice US so much, that I crawled back to our substandard version. The judges on the US X Factor work: there's the gentle-but-dead-behind-the-eyes Britney, enthusiastic puppy Demi Lovato, and Chief head-wobbler LA Reid. In the US X Factor this week, Simon didn't bother to turn up and they sent Louis Walsh over as 'guest judge'. They mentioned none of his credentials (not even Jedward) and they didn't even say he was a producer. It was just like this weird Irish idiot turned up for ten minutes and it was never mentioned again. Just like the fact they have no host.
The Voice US is superior because it has the super cuddly Ceelo Green, the so blonde-her-hair's-snapping-off, spilling out of her dress and often drunk Xtina, and head buffoon, Adam Levine. There's also some country douche, but we don't mention him.
Anyway, on with our cut-price bollocks. Shouldn't judges houses have an apostrophe in it somewhere somewhere?
One band has already left 'due to a visa issue'. Is this a euphemism? Shouldn't Simon Cowell get this shit checked out before bands get to that stage? Did he learn nothing from giving a wife beater a million quid on Red or Black?
Tiny Tempah is helping out Tulisa in St Lucia (he's got so many clothes he keeps some at his aunt's house, don't you know). He generously said, 'there's probably space for one or two more female artists in the charts right now.' to which my boyfriend replied 'Well if they let pricks like you in the charts, I'd say there's plenty of space.' Who is Tiny to decide when the female popstar tally is full? They should get him working on border control next.
Louis is in Las Vegas with Sharon Osbourne. She should be on the real panel, not the simpering lettuce leaf Nicole - 'not good enough for the US one but she'll do for us cunts'. Nicole is with Neyo in Dubai. 
LOL Gary Barlow's group got to go to Northampton. St Lucia, Dubai, Las Vegas... Northamptonshire. That's what I call the short straw. Because I'm from there. So Gary Barlow has got Sinitta (sorry, Cheryl Cole) helping him as usual. I find Chezza about as warm and lovable as cat sick, so I'm not overly impressed, but she'd still be better on the panel than... er, all of the others. I feel like Simon Cowell doesn't give a shit about the UK version anymore, he gives us pathetic judges like Nicole and how the dour, stony-faced Gary got the gig after last year, lord only knows. Gary Barlow has about as much charisma as a sausage. And at least sausages are nice.
The groups are up first. So two more bands get a chance to come back because of the 'visa' issues. The first one, who's name escapes me, did a medley of Bob Marley an Pink. The second band Mitsotu, who we'd never seen in our lives before, as they were clearly always marked for failure, are also poor.
MK 1 (isn't that the Milton Keynes shopping centre?) are the ones who's third member got cut only after making them promise to give him 33% of all profits. I wonder is Syco has given him 500 quid to fuck off yet.
Union J have had to change their name from Triple J because Simon has decided to shoehorn a Harry Styles lookalike into their band. I'd be pissed off if an extra heartthrob was brought into my group. I think they should have renamed the group Triple J + 1. I think all the acts have been rubbish so far. Triple J are sucking the life out of the annoying-but-catchy Call Me Maybe.
I like Poisonous Twin and their scouse brows. At least they've got personality. This beat box group can fuck off.
The final act is called GMD3. Why are all these bands fucking acronyms? It's like trying to work my way round the periodic table! Bullshit. Off with their heads. I could think of better band names than this in about 30 seconds. Fuck me, this is the worst one yet. Louis' category is a bag of shit. I hope he puts through MK Ultra, Poisonous Twin, and then any of the shit boybands.
Dermot looks knackered. Can't he get some botox or something? They wouldn't let a woman presenter on TV looking so craggy.
Back to Dubai to see Princess Nicole beating her slaves and sitting by a ginormous bowl of fruit. Oh, and her category is the boys. 
James Arthur is my pick to win it. He's like Plan C. AWFUL song choice, so old fashioned and a bit defeatest singing a song called 'I can't make you love me'. There's just something very likeable about him. I liked the way he was clutching his shirt on one of his previous auditions. He has it: the X Factor. And he's the only one so far.
The next guy sang Neyo's song. He's not going through.
Adam I liked before, but he's doing a really shit song which barely goes up or down. No one would even pick this song to do at karaoke. I thought he could have done a lot better.
Jake I fancy. His brother is terminally ill, but he's carrying on like a trouper, anyway. He's singing Take That. Perhaps he thought he was getting Gary Barlow as his judge. He's also singing to the floor. Another uninspired song choice; why don't they sing something moving or unique? They are all looking like losers right now. Sing something to make the judges cry.
Rylan is absolute genius. The story he told on Xtra Factor about getting his wallet stolen by a fox was probably the funniest thing I heard last week. Rylan's come as Kylie Minogue. I hope he goes through, he's really entertaining. He's doing a mournful version of Rhianna.  He's got the Stacey Solomon factor.
This next guy Jahmene who murdered Moves Like Jagger actually did a reasonable version of Titanium. But he bores me.
Ok now we're back with Tulisa and the girls. I think she's got the best category, but still hasn't worked out how to put a toner on her hair. Her stylist must really hate her guts - you can buy them in Boots for 99p - and he's done her up like Trailer Trash Barbie.
I like Jade but I don't think she's brilliant. She's got heart but I'm not sure she could win it. I like Amy as well but I don't love her. At least her song choice was modern. They showed about two seconds of Leanne so I take it she's not going through.
I like Jade and her clown makeup and her doing it for her 'daddy' in prison.
Lucy is obviously talented but not as unique as they make out. It was quite brave of her to do Whitney, but put a quirky spin on it. I'll be pissed off if she doesn't go through.
Ella is the best of all the girls. Like James Arthur, she could easily win it, plus she writes her own songs. She's really good.
And now we're back with Gary and a hard-faced Cheryl Cole in Northampton (she'll fit right in, we love a good punch up there). Just as good as Vegas. Gary's category (the overs) is dreadful. Tulisa could have put four or five of her category through.
I have never seen this Carolynne person before. She sounds out of time. And she's singing fucking Boyzone. Bollocks.
Aw, that was quite nice when Gary gave Nicola some reassurance. I don't know why she got through. They should have put Hayley from Pop Idol through, she had a lovely voice. Tragedy? Of all the songs to sing.
Brad is dated, boring and looks like a used car salesman. He sang the Final Countdown in a club style; I couldn't even tell what song it was.
I HATE this Melanie 'I'm a mother' bore. She looks like someone who'd try and sell you a bag of heather at a festival. I bet her house if full of runes and windchimes. She's DULL! I don't know why Gary likes her so much. Gary's pretending he's not going to put her through because she's got kids; er wouldn't that be discrimination?! They'd never say that to a man. Douchebag.
Kye is actually alright, if he stops going on about being a chimney sweep and having to work for a living (yes, like we all do). Ooh, he hit a bum note. That was a shame. Adam Levine wouldn't stand for that crap.
Christopher is the most of earnest auditionees ever. He's wearing his heart on his forehead. Another awful, old-fashioned song, and he's singing it really camp. I still think they'll put him through, though, because the grans will love him.
As much as I can't stand Cheryl Cole, she's actually quite gracious to come back on a show she was basically sacked from. I'd swap her for Tulisa any day. And I'd swap Nicole Scherzinger for Wagner.
Cheryl's glad she's 'got a car coming soon.' Let's hope Will.i.am isn't driving it. Or... hmm, perhaps I'll leave it at that.