God, I hate big bands. Big bands make me think of son of Chucky, Ray Quinn, Westlife and Robbie 'Facial Landslide' Williams (in that order: I have a short attention span). So Big Band week coupled with the fact X Factor is staggering along wounded equals a sullen me.
But it was worse than I thought. Bad luck to all the rubber-neckers who tuned in to see Emily aka 'Shiverz' getting the boot, as she wasn't even mentioned! Is that a good example to people, X Factor producers, if something bad happens, just ignore it and pretend the person never existed? They could have a least said 'Emily had to leave due to personal reasons'. Don't we deserve that much? If you hadn't even seen the news you'd just be left thinking you'd lost a little piece of your mind somewhere. They should have showed the happy slap video. It was more entertaining than anything they had to offer.
So onto the singing. Absolutely awful. The songs were ear-assaultingly bad. Leon still looked scared. The Stepford siblings shrieked and gurned through S Club 7, which I was unaware was a big band classic. Hope prostituted themselves once again. Niki's back flab tried to escape out of her dress. Alisha had one eye on dip and one on dazzle. Andy was the singing equivalent of being forced to watch Heartbeat. Brian Friedman's 'choreography' is part of the problem, just let them stand there and sing for fuck's sake, they're not Michael Jackson, they are dinner ladies and teachers with dead relatives who were bullied at school dammit (oh, get over it).
And so Futureproof were binned. Back to the supermarket. Back to being bullied. Back to the heartbreak and the grief. Back to trying to fill the void of your pathetic little lives.
Oh well, at least you can watch X Factor next week and suffer like the rest of us poor bastards.