The show opened with a clip of Simon saying 'it is an unmitigated distaster'. What a cliffhanger! What could he be talking about? My money's on Dannii Minogue's face. I've seen less wonky nostrils on Michael Jackson.
And onto the contestants. There was Riddian, who they didn't get rid(dian) of, despite the fact he looked like Patrick Keilty with acne. Sharon called him repulsive, which was pretty much spot on. Then there was Leon, who I found myself inexplicably attracted to and then realised he looked like a young Josh Hartnett in the Faculty (except with manky teeth). I quite like manky teeth occasionally though. Certainly in this case. How old is Leon? Am I legally allowed to fancy him? Oh yeah and his voice is alright (as if that matters!!!) Basically the rule of X Factor is, if you're cute, you're in, if you're ugly you're out. And if Louis fancies you, run for it.
However, there are exceptions to this rule. They like a couple of 'characters' in the mix (i.e. obnoxious dicks) so we get saddled with the shovel-faced Kimberley who Simon labelled 'the most annoying person i've ever met'. She could carry a tune but made Big Brother's Shabnam look well-adjusted. Out next week in a pool of mascara, I predict.
What else? Oh yes, there was the usual roll call of sob stories, ranging from 'I shouldn't be here' to 'my dad's dead'. Yes I think you mentioned it FORTY TIMES already. Actually, it's not her fault, it's the producers for treating us like thick sheep. Baa!
The second hottest by the way is Andy, who works with asbestos. On the un-hot side of the coin we have Luke, like a creepier Ray Quinn.
The over 25s and groups were pretty much a wash-out, but one group caught my eye for appearing to be made up entirely of male virgins. I like them already, just because they look completely unprofessional. You've got to love the underdog.
Finally, why was Dermot sobbing at a story that wasn't even sad? Pull yourself together, man!
Worst band name of the day? Futureproof. That's not actually a good thing, is it? That's a bit like being Moneyproof or Sexproof or XFactorWinnersProof. Doh!