It seems weird to have X Factor and Big Brother on at the same time, like reality worlds are colliding. It's like having Easter eggs at Christmas.
'I want to be as big as Adele'- just keep eating, it's not that hard. Oh Dermot, does it stick in your craw, still trading insults with Louis whilst Steve Jones butters up Paula Abdul.
Judge roll call: Kelly Rowland. The most boring girl band member of all time. Tulisa- well at least NDubz have a few catchy tunes. I don't like her being forced to say she's 'gobby'. No man ever gets described as gobby, so I just see labelling women as gobby as telling them to STFU.
Gary Barlow looks skinny. I always fancied him the most out of Take That. I'm not sure about him as a judge though, I think it's just his accent that makes me feel deeply depressed.
The first contestant wants to be famous to sleep with girls. Well, at least he's honest. Bum tats! He's got some guts. He can't sing though, his voice is reedy. Predictably, they're all loving it.
I can imagine Simon taking a shine to this obnoxious yellow haired girl. She's a bit shrieky for my liking though. Oh, and she's an arsehole. Tara Palmer Cuntkinson.
Wow, some 30 year old's are really ageing badly. I don't really like this panel, but I like the lack of Cheryl being Simon's favourite girl, and Dannii getting sidelined. This panel seem to genuinely like each other.
Woah look at that turtle neck Dermot's wearing. Did he nick that out of Deirdre Barlow's closet? And those chinos? He's dressed like he's going to Christian camp.
The sickly Goldie singing copper bell and grabbing her boobs is quite good. She's 50? Fuck me. I was certain she was going to puke up on stage, but alas, no.
Stage school brat doing Your Song. Sorry, I forgot to care. Just like in Dragon's Den they spend too long on each section and it gets boring.
I like this chav who's come to clear his name. I think he's going to need the attitude adjuster again after as he's dire! I think the friends and family are going to shank Dermot.
I kind of like Kelly Rowland's look but not her stick-on fringe. Tulisa has enormous eyes. She's like a ghetto Disney princess. I liked the way she dealt with that guy. And Kelly standing it up and giving it all that too. Riot grrls!
No dogs allowed! LOL to Dermot being the tell off man. 'Watch your mouth- don't call girls that.' I'm glad we've got the four foot eleven Dermot taking charge of things. I think my money would be on Tulisa over him in a fight.
PS: Louis. I think your top up of botox is overdue.