Celebrity Big Brother on Five

Everyone moaning that Big Brother is back on, you are as tired and predictable as the show you claim to despise (whilst secretly watching it). You CAN avoid Channel five, very easily, as long as you're not a fan of Meerkat Manor, or Home and Away (which curiously run in the same slot, as if they're interchangeable). And it's not like you have to be friends with me and put up with my incessant tweeting, Facebooking and blogging about BB. Go on, go find some highbrow friends. The kind of friends who don't eat Wotsits. Arseholes, I call them!
They didn't keep it down for long, did they? Here it is, Big Brother, sans Davina, with a gross-done-on-the-cheap eye, like something you produce proudly for your GCSEs. Look at those poor sods in the crowd standing in the rain, they were probably smashing up Poundworld at the riots this week. They're doing 90s rave tune 'woo wooing'. Tragic!
Ah, here's Brian. He looks thinner, that Eamonn Holmes jibe obviously got to him (he's mentioned it in every interview since). He looks a bit stiff and sweaty, but he's doing quite well. He'll ease into it, I'm sure.
First up Kerry Katona! She's slurring already. Is there ANYTHING we don't know about Kerry Katona? I know every fucking thing about this boring bitch. And now she looks like she's had her eyebrows stapled to her forehead. Oh, she's got a ballgown on. I quite like her hair. Her tattoo is almost Courtney-esque. She looks like Bridget Neilson. I like her red lippy, and all. Oh, she loves her kids. she just LOVES them kids. Put that fat one on a fucking diet then! Mind you, she's done more for them than that Westlife prick ever did. Now there's a man who knows his Home and Away from his Meerkat Manor.
Next, Tara Reid. I only barely know who she is, and I consider myself fairly au fait with the shit rags. Put it this way, I don't think anyone in the UK is going 'yay, Tara Reid' right now. 'You may know me from American Pie.' Er... no, I don't. She's the Dennis Rodman of this year. Tori Spelling would have been better. I hope she's odious or something.
I'm not missing Davina. I'm not missing Davina. I'm not missing Davina. Brian is too botoxed to gurn.
The house looks really good, by the way, and we've not had to suffer the usual ordeal of being shown round it like we really give a fuck about that. And my cats are asleep! Enjoy the silence. I have cats? I know, they're new. Kittens, in fact!
Next, some gypsy bloke. I think I saw him on Britain's Deadliest Men with Danny Dyer (how can you sleep at night?) It IS hard to sleep under those rooves with Katona et al. ROOFS. Rooves. Roofs. Think about it. It will drive you mad.
I can't understand a word this guy said. Tara is going to struggle. Could there be a more Irish name than Paddy Doherty? They should put Mitch Winehouse in, I reckon. Maybe next year.
Him saying 'lady' every minute isn't going to get annoying, is it? No, not at all, lady. Did he pass the 'psychological test'? I seem to remember him boasting about being a criminal, but he could have just been trying to impress Danny Dyer (fuck abaht). I feel like I saw him on Jeremy Kyle, too, but I think I'm getting my gypsies confused.
TOWIE! Amy Childs. I don't watch Towie, but we called our kitten it. Is she a thicko? Tara's not going to be able to understand her, either. Oh, she's a proud thicko. I hate that sort. Do people like her or not? I'm losing the will to live. It's quite early on to feel like that, isn't it! I'm glad they've kept the old music and Marcus. At least we can rely on these old vantage points.
Tara must feel nervous that they all know each other, or are acting like they do. Must be a headfuck. I can't understand anything Tara is saying! We need subtitles.
Ugh, that paparazzi guy does my head in! Why not put Perez Hilton in there and be done with it? How post modern. That accent is always a killer, too. Paddy is going to either chum up with this dude or kill him.
It's bugging me the way Kerry knows all their names. It used to be a secret who was going in. Amy is saying nice things to everyone but there's no light behind the eyes.
It's weird watching this on my own. It's not right. It should be more of an event! It should launch on a Friday.
This Sally Bercow div is just an attention seeking dullard. Bad combination. At least the Daily Mail will be excited. Jan Moir and Amanda Platell must be sharpening their claws as we speak. Oh and now she mentioned the Mail! Too easy. Oh she's so desperately trying to be a bit 'cool'. She's ripe for a Galloway style humiliation task. I think she's actually going to be a good housemate because she's going to get it so wrong and it's going to be a pleasure to watch.
Next in is Lucien Laviscount! I'm not joking, THAT A list star. What he lacks in star power, he makes up for in ridiculous monikers. Good name, though, really, isn't it. It's Sophie's boyfriend from Coronation Street (who?) Quite. Show me the barrel, and watch me scrape it... he looks about 15.
David Hasslehoff's wife. Pamela Hasslehoff. Not Pamela Anderson. Just as good, hey? What a swizz, man. I'm really not impressed with these 'celebrities' so far. They've spent so much on the house, maybe they should have spent a couple of quid on the bookings. It's a bit unfair to pretend Pammy is going in when she isn't. Not a cool move. This line up blows a bit.
Eh heh, who's this dude? He's good looking, but I still have no clue who he is. He seems a bit too normal for this lot. This guy could win it. Bobby Sable. Bobby Sable. The celebrity. That famous, famous model. Apparently he's a 'red blooded male'. Deffo gay then. Amy was a bit unfriendly to him. Why has he got that big coat on, it's August! 25? That modelling lark must be tough.
It really sucks having no live feed. I'd like to watch how they're all getting on later. Damn you, five, you idiots. Utterly failing to understand the concept.
Jedwards! Definitely my favourite housemate(s). I love Jedward so much. They are like a science experiment. They don't suffer from the human condition of 'emotions'. They are weird robot people. They could actually drive you mad in that place. Except most of them are mad anyway. They are wearing my kitten's blanket. Cute. There's definitely a Towie theme tonight. It looks like they just ripped up Tony the Tiger and stitched him back up wrong.
Wow, what a motley crew of housemates. I don't think I've ever seen such a bedraggled line up. How do Jedward know who Tara Reid is when I barely do?
Jedward are tweeting! But they are in the BB house! Boo! I knew they didn't write those tweets. Illusions, shattered. Next you'll be telling me they don't write their own lyrics. Why are Jedward getting so booed when Lucien fucking Laviscount is in there? Give me strength!
The crowd look bored as fuck. It was better down Currys pocketing the minidiscs, wasn't it?
Kerry looks like a carthorse in that dress. Ooh, what's that slinky corridor. The house is cool. The chair is cool. The housemates are shite.
Kerry don't go trotting off to the Diary room and then going 'fuck a duck' when they give you a task to do (or the DR as we call it in BBUSA).
It will be obvious she's on a task once she throws the tantrum anyway. They're not stupid. Welcome pack! Give it to Vinnie Jones to read. He loves that shit. I don't think anyone can read this year. Except Jedward, obviously. They've got an IQ of 300 each, you know.
NB. My friend Dawn just texted to say 'the best thing about Jedward is one is slightly more self aware and embarrassed than the other. Makes for scintillating viewing.' And if that isn't a reason to watch, what the fuck is?