The X Factor - Love & Heartache

Well last week's twist was pretty rubbish, wasn't it? It's left us with a bunch of old duffers in the competition and cut decent or fun people like Amelia or 2 shoes.

Nu Vibe on first? They really are being punished for last week, aren't they? See ya!

Did Tulisa just say she can't stand Dappy? Lol. Join the queue.

How can they make With or Without You more palatable? Well, taking Bono off helps. But this is duff. I wonder what 2 shoes would have done this week? Why are they always giving Nu Vibe rubbishy dance tunes? My boyfriend has renamed them 'No Direction'. Where's the cute one? Gary stole Louis's 'no vibe' joke.

I think whoever is styling Tulisa is mates with Cheryl Cole, because they're making her look like crap every week. Last week it was the two-tone highlights, this week a harsh black bun. She looks like she's off to a Greek funeral. I wouldn't mind if she was actually a good judge, but she's not, I've heard more concise criticism round the water cooler.

Why is Sammi going on about her weight? Shouldn't it be about the singing? And why do they make her up to look so old? She looked young and fresh faced in the clip before, but they've made her look like an old granny.

I wish Kelly Rowland would 'put it down'. Gary is so po-faced, what a miserable fuck. It makes me sick all this love for him, he just comes across like a curmudgeon with none of the charm or grace of Simon. My boyfriend has declared him 'Gary Cropper' but I think that's a bit harsh on Roy. At least he's loveable. I think Gary needs to get off that diet and let his hair down a bit. Since when did he become the elder statesman of pop, anyway? Fucking hell, next year they'll probably stick H from Steps (aka Donny Tourette's stepladder) on the judging panel and expect me to eat it. 'Oh H, please put me through! I really want to meet Lee Latchford-Evans' at the judges house stage!'

That song Craig did was rubbish. I like him but he's a bit overrated. I'm not surprised that song was Beyonce. I have a gene that makes me hate every song she's ever put her name to.

Oh piss off with your sob story about liking heavy metal music, Janet. I don't like her performances at all, she just leaves me cold. But I might as well get used to it as she's going to be in for a long time.

Frankie was awful! I love that Coldplay song, and it normally makes me cry, but it showed up the weaknesses in his voice really badly. They took out all the drama and build up in that song, too. Swagger fail, lol.

Johnny at least brings a bit of light to the competition, and I liked 'vogue' and 'you can rub my lamp anytime'. It really is a miracle to make Barlow crack a smile, he's concentrating so hard on looking sour/sexy, which he isn't, and I speak with some conviction, because I used to fancy him in the 90s.

I love Marcus, but that song was dreary. I hope it doesn't put him in jeopardy.

(My computer died for a while so I'm playing catch up, as Roy Walker says).

I really like Rhythmix, I think they're fun and cute, and a bit of a mess vocally, but in a good way. They're like cartoon characters.

Mischa has come as a Quality Street. I said to my boyfriend 'do you recognise this song? It's Charlie and Eddie.' and he goes, 'Oh, that used to be a good song.'

The Risk are perfectly pleasant. I'm already bored by them.

Sophie should have gone last week, yo. Amelia was a lot more exciting and interesting than her (well, she was before they sucked all her natural style out of her, and left her with bedraggled pink hair and frosted lipstick, crying).

At least they gave Sophie a fringe, she needed one. But they've made her look so duff and mumsy. Why can't they make teenagers look a bit cool? It's like they take their natural style and suck it out of them and put it back together like your mum buying you a grotesque jumper and saying 'this is your sort of thing isn't it?' Sophie can sing, but she's got no X Factor.

What's the point in hating Kitty? Everyone knows a Kitty. You just let them get on with it. I like her antagonism towards people booing her. She should go on Celeb Big Brother. She looks rather botoxed. Isn't she only 28? She should have done Hyperballad by Bjork instead. No one can EVER do It's Oh So Quiet as well as Janice Battersby did on Stars in Their Eyes once. That was TV gold. I thought Kitty's version was quite good, too, actually. I'd take her over Janet any day.

Big Brother 10: They're a right bunch of slosh pots

Karly, would you blow Marcus for a cigarette? I reckon it's 50/50. Lisa and Karly belong in fag-butt city. It's no worse than Geri Halliwell rooting through George Michael's bin for chocolate cake.
Nikki Graham looks like a child! How long before she says one of her catchphrases? Loved her saying 'I can't stand Marcus'. Nikki's sister came to my writing group once, and all the way through it was bothering me who she reminded me of, her mannerisms were exactly the same, then I sneaked a look at the register and it was Natalie Grahame! Starstruck or what? She never returned. Funny that.
I never understood the Nikki hate, she was a true legend. It sucked when she went back in and believed her own press but when she was all innocent, it was gold.
I see Siavash was casually dressed today (!!!) Marcus fancying Nikki was weird; Nikki is weirdly unsexy. Not very impressed with Karly or Nikki's dancing, it was rubbish. LOL to Nikki not even saying goodbye to Karly. Bad luck.
Karly was loving the Nikki/Marcus hate. Fair play, you might as well hoover up the crumbs. Do you remember last week Marcus said he'd shave his mullet off if he stayed in the house? LIES!
Brian Belo! The most endearing BB winner ever, I reckon. I liked him kissing everyone, it was cute. Vagina people! Memory lols.
I guessed they'd give the word 'boobs' to Brian. Ugalaboogala! Jaffa nips, dog nips and tax disc nips. WHAT??? That was one of the biggest laughs I've had in the BB house in weeks. Brian is MENTAL. The house needs a funny housemate SO BAD.
I like it when they rebel againt BB. Trust Charlie to be against it. Health and safety! Freddie's king of the world! I liked their dirty protest, it was good. Siavash didn't quite cut it, though. Marcus was the ringleader of the tormentors. I like it when it gives it back to BB.
We had a debate the other day about whether it's 'roofs' or 'rooves' which was inspired by Danny Dyer's deadliest men. It's actually roofs! WTF. Danny Dyer teaching us about the Queen's Facking English. Would you Adam and Eve it?
Haha, then they set the fire extingushers off. I like it when they're naughty! BB riot! Sweet. They should kidnap a cameraman next. Set the fucking place alight!
I KNEW Rodrigo was going to spazz out about it! Guaranteed! I liked it when they all went in the diary room together, that's proper BB stuff. We demand sweets! It must be the credit crunch, BB can't afford to feed them. No response! The silent treatment.
It is funny seeing them get told off and who bends straight away. Let's face it, BB can't throw the lot of them out. They are babies! Lisa, where's your anarchist credentials, you spineless shrew? I have newfound respect for Sophie and Charlie for protesting about the lack of Haribo.
BB is an idiot really, because they were all in bed by 1am last night. Give them the booze and it might make the show better, we might get a bisexual orgy.
Oh Rodrigo, give it a rest, mate. You ARE our soap opera, motherfucker. Now ACT!

Big Brother 10: Break the news to them gently

I'm glad Federico isn't my doctor, his bedside manner needs some work. 'You've got a brain tumour!' After the gentleness of Craig and Dean, Federico's spilling of the Jacko-beans seemed pointlessly cruel. I used to like Federico (seems I'm in a minority) and his strange, frog-like face, and remember being annoyed when he left. But now he's just the human equivalent of an internet troll. Sad. Ooh, nice use of the word ragamuffin, though. I'm easily won round.
Lol, Siavash had tickets to go see MJ. Better hope his mummy sorts out his refund whilst he's in the Big (Bro) House. Bored of the MJ thing, and not that interested in their reactions to it, either. On the live feed it's got to the point where you can guess everything they are going to say, how they'll react to any given situation. These are not multi-faceted people, or even entertaining people. Still like the Fredster and Rodders, though.
Pie Jesu! Fuck a duck. Sophie sings worse than me. WTF has Michelle Bass done with her Geordie accent? I saw her on BBLB and it had gone, replaced by the kind of accent you get in a Richard Curtis film. 'Make us a bloody cup of tea, darling!'
Fuck she looks like a right ropey old dog. That dress looks straight outta Matalan. Bring back chicken Stu. I bet he cringes when he sees her now (god knows why he didn't then). Ah Lisa likes Michelle Bass's personality. Would that be the one where she psychotically stalked Stuart, then raped him under a table?
Was she singing 'Agyness Deyn?' WTF? Oh bugger off Bass, you dopey twit. Sophie's singing was AMAZING (for five seconds). So glad she got that task. She makes the Cheeky Girls look like Susan Boyle. It's all good, babes.
Yay, Craig 'I'm not gay' back in the house! Sadly no Maxwell (although he does lurk around the Finsbury Park area because I've seen him twice). Makosi can just crawl off and die. Just listening to her saying 'I was born in a battlefield' makes me pro-war. Didn't Russell Brand sleep with her? Lordy!
I miss Craig, he was ace. He'd definitely be in my BB allstars. Antony Hutton, not so much. Haha to his ripping it out of Sophie's extensions. They do look like dreadlocks. I've seen less knotty- looking barnets down Glasto come Sunday.
Siavash: 'fuck me back to front'. I'd rather not. I liked him standing up for Freddie to Makosi, he hasn't stood up for him much in the past.
Does Sophie even know what 'naive' means? I'm not sure I like the ex-housemates coming in and dropping these little hate-bombs, but in a way it's interesting. It's against the very nature of BB, but then the format has been left out in the rain for years now. Sad, really.
Haha at Craig bolting as Siavash went into a 'let the public decide!' speech. I liked it when he said 'good luck' in an utterly deadpan way. We need someone like that in the house, just totally sarky and above it all.
If ONLY there was another house! We should be so lucky. Haha, Marcus trying to get Sophie on board. Good luck. I couldn't give two fucks about the Noirin/Siavash/Marcus trilogy of doom. It's just the same thing again and again.
Michael Jackson, my arse! Marcus is upset cos he can't get laid. End of. (as Saskia would say- bring her back in! Or horse-face Grace! I could go on, but you get the general idea...)