Album review: Morrissey – World Peace is None of Your Business

Welcome to one of my sporadic album reviews where I go through track by track and say which song of this new album sounds like a song off one of the ’s old albums. Really, what more do you need to know?

I had my first listen to World Peace is None of Your Business yesterday so this is only my second listen, and just like first impressions of Big Brother housemates, all first night/week opinions are subject to change. But it’s a bit boring to review an album a month after you’ve got it, isn’t it? I laughed my arse off on the first listen, this album is funnier than Morrissey’s book.

It made me realise how long it has been between albums, too as Years of Refusal came out when I’d not been with my boyfriend long. We sat in a bedsit in Finsbury Park reading the lyrics when it came out, and laughing at lyrics like ‘it hasn’t!’ and it’s now we’re reading new lyrics nearly six years later. He does like to make us wait.

First up, World Peace is None of Your Business. God, that’s long to write out every time. This was the only song from the album I’d already heard. It starts off with what sounds like a didgeridoo, which is a bit worrying in the current post-Rolf climate. The song reminds me of I will see you in far off places, but I think that might just be the length of the title. It has a kind of Sweetie Pie-esque dreaminess about it in the verses. The lyrics are a bit clunky, but ‘each time you vote you support the process’ is bound to wind people up, which makes it a good lyric. And no, Morrissey didn’t get that idea from Russell Brand. Morrissey virtually gave birth to Russell Brand, so get it the right way round. Always nice to be called ‘a poor little fool’ by Morrissey, too.

Next is Neal Cassady drops dead. Who is Neal Cassady? I don’t know. Some black and white dude according to my Google search. It doesn’t matter, because the crux of this song is the ‘chorus’: ‘everyone has babies, babies full of rabies, rabies full of scabies… get that thing away from me.’ Not forgetting ‘tyke full of gripe.’ He also uses the word ‘nipper’ – I thought that was in the sole domain of Matthew Wright and his panellists on The Wright Stuff. There’s also an Irish sounding bit at the end where just sings no words for a while.

I’m Not a Man has a pointlessly long, almost silent 1.37 second intro… am I listening to a Bright Eyes album or a Morrissey album? This song has a decent level of theatrics and some odd lyrics – ‘beef-a-ronie’?! I can imagine him doing it live. I would plot it on the anthem scale of; not as good as It’s Not Your Birthday Anymore but better than Come Back to Camden. He also does some Chris Martin style ‘woo woo’s. Vegetarians note: there’s some funny lyrics about T-bone steak giving people cancer of the prostate.  I like to think of this song as the antidote to that awful song out at the moment that goes ‘I’m a man, yes I am.’ (That’s a reference for my younger readers.)

I’m not hugely enamoured with Istanbul but my boyfriend liked it. On first listen it made me think of The Father Who Must Be Killed – argh! But it’s not that bad. It’s quite atmospheric, I suppose. I’m not really feeling it – yet!

Earth is the Loneliness Planet of All is the one I’ve almost learnt the lyrics to already; it’s pretty catchy. It has a Spanish-sounding guitar on it and the lyrics are quite mournful. It has quite a good little instrumental bit at the end, too. It should be the next single, if Morrissey’s record label hadn’t pointlessly released almost every album as a download-only single already.

If you’re concerned about the title of Staircase at the University, you’d be right to be. A very strange song about someone throwing themselves down the stairs because of exam pressure. Like, where do you get your ideas, Morrissey, you mad sod? It’s a very jaunty little number for lyrics about someone’s ‘head splitting three ways’. This song kind of reminds me of Mute Witness, in that it has a throwaway, upbeat quality, and you know what? I like Mute Witness.

The Bullfighter Dies sounds like it’s going to be Meat is Murder-style depressing from the title, but is actually another perky one. I like the ‘mad in Madrid’ ‘ill in Seville’ lines. The chorus goes ‘hooray, hooray, the bullfighter dies.’ Who wouldn’t want to sing along to that?

My friend said she’d heard Kiss me a Lot on the radio and ‘it was shit’. I’m just surprised El Moz is getting played on the radio. Besides, it’s better than Let Me Kiss You. But what isn’t? It kind of reminds me of I Like You in that it’s sort of throwaway, but fun.

The first turkey of the album is Smiler with Knife, which is probably one of the worst titles of all time, plus the song has no tune. It plods along, painfully. This is going to be wearing down my skip button.

Kick the Bride Down the Aisle lyrically reminds me of Courtney Love’s new song Wedding Day ‘Break my neck on my wedding day/ She can’t walk but she can crawl’. It’s a funny title although the song is quite misogynistic, but it’s not like we haven’t heard it before from Moz, going as far back as William.. I noticed him doing it in his book as well, writing women off as fat or just lipstick wearers. Like Eminem, Morrissey gets a pass, but let’s not make a habit of it, hey? Why not ‘kick the husband down (or up) the aisle’? Sample lyric: ‘Look at that cow in the field, it knows more than your bride knows now.’ And I’m just pleased he wasn’t saying ‘look at that cow’ to describe the bride. Kristeen Young is also yodelling in the background if you like that sort of thing… I do, but only in short doses. I think I Will Never Marry probably summed up this sentiment a lot more poetically.

Next, unfortunately, is another duff one, but what did you expect from the title – Mountjoy?! Nonsensical lyrics and mentions of ‘man and boy’ – never good. I think ‘droning’ would be a good word to describe this song. As if that wasn’t terrifying enough a title, the next song is called Oboe Concerto. No oboes, please! And no flutes either. This isn’t a great ending to the album.

On the whole, though, three bad songs out of 12 isn’t bad, sometimes it’s only three GOOD songs out of 12. But… there’s no one song that I want to take to my heart and cuddle, either. Still at this point I’m just glad he’s still putting albums out. No, I’m just glad he’s alive.

Luckily, if you got the deluxe version, there’s some more good stuff to come. There’s a high-drama studio version of Scandinavia, which is great to have and true to the live version.

Next is possibly my favourite song of the lot (well done for not putting it on the album proper, Moz!) One of Your Own. It has an almost-underwater piano running behind it and the lyrics, ‘A job half done isn’t done’. Lyrically has that serial killer vibe about it which Moz loves so much. I like the end where he just repeats ‘I have no use for tomorrow.’

Drag the River starts with the sound of the ocean – well it sounds more like the ocean than the river. I’d say it’s quite a standard Morrissey b-side, pretty but not amazing.

Forgive Someone is pretty duff, I must say. Who exactly? Next is Julie in the Weeds, another shocking song title and quite unmemorable except for some interesting sound effects in the middle.

The final song is the hilarious Art Hounds – ‘When you can’t find a table for your fat aunt Mabel you stamp your feet and cry’ – which is brilliant to hear a studio version of, but it’s lacking a bit of the bite of the live version. It sounds a bit slowed down and not as high in the chorus? Also some of the lyrics have changed for the worst, like changing ‘If you cannot stand the real world, take my hand’ to ‘if you cannot stand this fake world take my hand’ which isn’t as good or as cool. You’ve got to love ‘I take 16 pills to send me to sleep and 16 to shake me awake’, though. It takes me back to Something is Squeezing my Skull, which takes us back to Years of Refusal – and where we started.

So that’s it. Funny, silly, dramatic, clever, childish… it’s all there. Now who does that remind you of? 

Morrissey at Brixton Academy 2011

Sorry for the break in service, I've been moving house and changing jobs. But with Big Brother season just around the corner, you can be sure that there will be plenty more rubbish for you to read right here. But first; Morrissey.
If you think there’s been a dent in Morrissey’s popularity lately, you couldn’t be more wrong. I have never seen Brixton Academy so heaving, and I’ve been there for lots of different gigs, including Placebo, who I always figure are more popular. There was barely any breathing room so full was the room of fat sweaty men and the odd fat sweaty woman (me included). We arrived just before 9 (was Kristeen any good?) and he came on pretty much straight away (still saw some of that tired old video he’s still wheeling out, though- I mean, does he really think it’s anything other than torture to watch? I’d rather watch the abattoir vid).
The perfect analogy for the night? Only at Morrissey do you get a boy’s toilet queue that’s longer than a girl’s toilet queue. There seemed to be four blokes for every woman in there, I’ve never seen it so man-heavy.
I might get the order of some of the songs wrong here. He came onto I Want the One I Can’t Have, followed by Irish Blood English Heart (everyone in the room sang along). We noticed there was an England flag stuck to the ceiling but I wasn’t sure if that was deliberate or not, my boyfriend says yes. We were a bit grumpy when we first went in, but Moz always cheers me up (ironically!) and you could soon forget about all the idiots and just be at one with the Moz. He did You Have Killed Me quite early, which I find a it plodding, but my boyfriend likes it.
We had quite a good spot a first but more and more people piled in and it got a bit sardine-like. Ouija Board was AMAZING, they did a really cool version of it, either the guitar or the keyboards sounded really good on it (but no STEPHEN bit… sob- he did a yelp instead). Alma Matters was also really excellent. I love hearing him do stuff from that era.
He did a few duff songs- Black Cloud should surely have been put to bed by now. Scandinavia (a new song) sounded pretty dreary. I like the other new songs though, People are the same everywhere, and Action is my middle name.
The guy in front of us was on Facebook ‘At Brixton Academy with Laura’- why not try watching Morrissey then, you cretin.
Moz made a few comments but nothing outrageous, ‘As if David Cameron has ever been to Tottenham’ and saying Prince Charles and ‘Camel’ (oh dear- it’s nearly as bad as the Royal ‘dreading’) came face to face with the British public at last’ during the student protests last year (yes, very current, Moz). This got a big cheer.
He did Speedway which was for a long time my favourite Morrissey song, and once I saw it (I think it was at Brixton, too) and it was one of the best moments of my life but this time it was marred slightly by some idiot woman’s gross white handbag sticking in my back. After that he played that bloody song about George Alagiah- also rubbish!
we moved back a bit then as we were getting proper crushed and got a drink. He did an amazing mid-section with I Know it’s Over (I’ve dreamed of that moment) and even though I was basically at the back then, I just focussed on him, and it nearly made me cry. His voice sounded so good on it. That song is probably my favourite Smiths song, and it was a real privilege to hear it live, as I never thought I would. He followed this with Every Day is Like Sunday (we had a dance in the bar) and There is a Light… I mean that’s a pretty strong three in a row. He then followed that with Throwing My Arms around Paris (zzz). Meat is Murder actually sounded pretty good, and I couldn’t see the abattoir vid from where I was, which I’m grateful for.
He also did a song called Art Hounds which was quite good and he spelt out the title for us 'hounds as in hounds of the baskervilles' like he was an OAP calling the gas board. There was also another fight in front of us, I think I attract absolute morons everywhere I go. This guy was psised off his face.
There must be more songs I’m missing. There was This No Charming Man (good) and no The Loop (thank fuck) but he finished with First of the Gang… zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Could there be a more predictable and boring ending… come on Moz. I’d rather hear Last Night I dreamt…
On the whole though, a really good gig, slap bang in the middle of my Morrissey experiences. I was trying to work out how many times I’ve seen Morrissey now, and I think it must be something between 20 and 30. Nothing could ever top the glory of being down the front at ‘Who put the M into Manchester’ or seeing him at such close quarters in Yarmouth but it’s always nice to see the old fella, and show him that his real fans do really love him, no matter what, and forever.
He’s been getting a hard time lately, but I hope he knows (and he does) that Morrissey Solo is has about as much relevance to what being a Morrissey fan as I have to being a Robbie Williams fan. Solo means nothing and is nothing, and the only good thing it ever did was introduce me to the love of my life. The rest of it should be drowned in the nearest river, because what they’ll never understand is that Morrissey is about the man, and the man is in the songs. And songs like that you don’t ever turn your back on. And thank god we do have popstars who can say things that aren’t acceptable, or part of the status quo, because we need it. And anything he’s ever said to shock has always been considered. Every ‘controversy’ has been designed, because he’s not stupid. And men like him come along once or twice a lifetime, so you’d better hang onto him. Because you know as well as I if he dropped down dead tomorrow you’d be on the bandwagon quicker than I could say ‘Johnny Marr’.
PS: Brixton is a hellhole, even more noticeably so now I live almost outside London.

Russell Brand: Booky Wook 2

I recently finished Booky Wook 2, and thought it was just as good as the first. The style feels like he's reading it to you, or just having a chat with you. I think I've overdosed on RB lately because I've been listening to the old BBC6 podcasts so I'm virtually thinking like Russell Brand, which can't be healthy (worth hunting down on a torrent for the podcast about holidays alone- the tales of the boat trip are unrivalled). However, after seeing that clip of him talking all posh on some US show, I do feel like the shine has come off. What makes him special is his unpredictability, and when he's scripted or sanitised, he could be anyone. In his films he could be anyone. Then I saw a clip of him on Daybreak pronouncing all his words nicely, too. Don't like. If they're doing that shit to him, Cheryl Cole is going to come back talking like Princess Anne. (Just don't come back at all, Chez). Back to the book. Each chapter is pretty much a little snapshot of his life, which I think is quite a nice way of presenting things. I like how much Kate Moss making his bed meant to him, but if I was Katy Perry I don't think I'd like my current husband going on about what a goddess she is for an entire chapter.
There are a lot of stories and anecdotes I've heard him tell a million times on radio or in his stand up, but he gets away with it, as they're so funny. His disregard for other humans (especially women) is mindboggling, yet hysterical. I'd forgive him anything.
I particularly liked the chapter on Big Brother (a national treasure), and hearing about how much he appreciated that time. It was genuinely exciting hearing his tales of the contraband 'fight night' video and waiting to shag the contestants as they came out as it had been like watching them in a film.
The chapter where Trevor gets accused of rape is particularly poignant, as I haven't got to that bit of the podcasts yet, so I'm just revelling in all the hi-jinks at the mo, waiting for the bomb to drop. It's sad they could never come back from that, and I thought Russell covered it in a thoughtful way- but how that parting of ways went down in reality, who knows? Very sad all round.
I like the way he talks about his gaggle of friends, but I hate Adam Sandler (of all people) for kidnapping him for Hollywood. A big revelation seemed to be that he doesn't even actually enjoy working on the films! I wish he'd just come back and do radio, or present Big Brother. Hell, I'd even stick him back on Dancefloor chart. He's ours, we should just have him back.
The arrogance of him writing out little jokes between him and Noel Gallagher or bits of his stand up is shocking, yet again, he gets away with it. I don't think we really needed to regurgitate the VMAs but then again, some of those death threats were fucking hilarious.
Forgetting Sarah Marshall is a rubbish film, in which RB's talents are wasted, so it was interesting to hear he hated making it as that seemed like him 'striking it big'. The other chapters on making films and hosting the MTV awards (again) leave me cold a bit. The Morrissey chapter is great (of course!) but you're left feeling that maybe him and Moz aren't as close as you'd have previously thought-or why would he have to go through a third party to get permission to use the emails? I like the fact Moz likes Alan Carr, though. And I would kill to know what his email address is. I bet it's some play on popeofmope@aol.com (I could see Moz backwardly being with AOL).
Did Sachsgate need revisting? I guess so, I like the fact he thought himself being all over the news was how life SHOULD be. Also interesting was after the show initually went out, there was not ONE complaint. I remember exactly where I was standing listening to that podcast (Leather Lane market, if you must know) thinking, 'are they really calling him?' but that's about it. It still makes me sad what happened. I genuinely loved that show. It gave me full-on snorts of laughter where Adam and Joe (when available) only gives me chuckles (I do like those chuckles though, and snorts aren't so good on the tube).
There's only one chapter on Katy Perry, and it's fairly scant on details (saving it for Booky Wook 3, or the divorce?) Nothing she says is clever or of any interest. I do feel she's sucked the life out of him. I miss ol' Russ and his crazy ways. But I don't think we'll have to wait forever, let's put it that way.
Incidentally, I just started reading Derren Brown's latest book and it's boring as fuck in comparison. I think I need some fiction in my life.

Live: Morrissey at Alexandra Palace

Had an unexpected treat last night as my boyfriend won two tickets to see Morrissey at Alexandra Palace on Facebook! We’d decided against going due to money and having already seen him 3 times this year, so it was really great to have this extra chance. The only bad part was I’d already looked at the setlist! Boo. But he did mix it up.
I saw Moz at Alexandra Palace in 2005, even getting a piece of hallowed shirt (well, not me directly, but I seem to have won THAT custody battle). Last time I didn’t like AP much as a venue, it’s a bit airport hanger-y and I remember being stuck on the bus trying to get out of there for what felt like years. This time though (maybe because it was free!) everything seemed easy. There was no pressure to have a good time, and we were just lucky the old man was still standing, really.
Doll and the Kicks were good as usual, although not impressed with the guitarist’s haircut, I liked his massive afro! I thought ‘If you care’ was very moving. The other songs do sound a bit the same, but they’re all good the same, so that’s not too bad. I like Doll, fantastic outfit, she looked very cool (nightmare before Christmas shadows are so very now!), and I like her slightly ‘drunk grandma at a wedding’ dancing. The best Moz support band EVER. Buy the album, I did.
Then there’s the insufferable video clips. Seriously, I thought I’d escaped that tyranny. I want my own youtube disco to force on people; clips of brian molko tipping over a table, clips of courtney love with one foot on the speaker, conor oberst miserably telling us to become vegans, and Richard off Pointless telling people off for not listening to the question SPECIFICALLY. Don’t think it’s gonna happen.
And then. We were quite close to the front at the side, and these two very loud Scottish guys came behind us, and I just knew we were in for trouble! Everyone surged forward for this charming man and I was getting totally battered, so just had to move back about three rows, which was fine, as I still had a really good view. For some reason my boyfriend chose to stay in the middle getting molested and sung at, but we were reunited in time for (ugh) The Loop.
I though the first six songs were the best, the atmosphere was rowdy but buzzing and the pace of songs was kept up well. Very much enjoyed Was it Really So Strange, always nice to hear one you’ve never heard before. Was also pleased to hear First of the Gang early as I’m sick of it as an encore. I could actually enjoy it, and then there was the mystery of what might be the encore instead! Stand out song of the night for me was Ganglord; I think he does it beautifully live. Really strong performance.
Cemetry Gates was nice to hear but it seemed a bit limp live to me for some reason. Liked ‘stonely read the graves’ for a lyric change though. Mid set there was a bit of a lull; Paris (bothered) and Teenage Dad, a dire song, with lyrics that make Brian Molko look opaque. I like Ask but I can take it or leave it. I quite like his cover of Moon Over Kentucky, his yodelling in it is pleasing (it’s better than Redondo beach, right). How Soon Is Now I’ve just seen too many times, plus I don’t like that cut and paste version, it’s all about the build up at the start for me. Because of My Poor Education can fuck off, I couldn’t even sing you a line of it. I‘d rather hear Asian Rut (I have no idea how that goes, but how bad can it be, right?). And One Day Goodbye Will Be Farewell over Mama? Ich don’t think so!
Death at One’s Elbow is silly but was fun to hear, Crashing Bores, if I never hear again will be too soon (and I used to love it!). His shows are quite Quarry heavy but I’d like to hear I Have Forgiven Jesus or something just for a change. The Loop has never been acceptable, and will never be, you can take The Loop and Sing Your Life and shove them up Boz Boorer’s arse. People didn’t seem as wildly enthusiastic about The Loop as they were at Brixton though; they were literally intoxicated by the shitness of it there. I despaired for humanity.
The set ended on a high, Irish Blood doesn’t date, it’s still powerful, and I’m OK By Myself is bloody brilliant. I love the screeching/ cardboard box bit at the end, it’s amazing, like a glimpse of Moz as a real rocker. It works fantastically live (and I’ll even bite my tongue about the shoulder/ revolver line). I like hearing Squeezing My Skull too, not sure it’s strong enough for an encore, but I enjoyed it a lot. When he threw his shirt in at the end I got an elbow in my chest (pain at one’s elbow) and was winded! Honestly, people (no, men) are too aggressive, it’s not worth trampling on someone’s head for a bit of Moz’s shirt; I’ve got a bit, so I know.
Banter: he was taking a lot, slagging off Michael BublURGH (‘England looks after it’s own’), David Cameron for shooting stags, and mentioning he was wearing a purple poppy for all the animals killed ‘against their will’ in the war. Were any willingly slaughtered, I wonder?! Good old Mozzy. I thought he was on good form; I’ve seen him when he’s been a right grumpy sod before, but he seemed up for it last night. His voice was strong, too. And the lights were quite good. My boyfriend said Moz looked ropey, but I didn’t think so.
I do have a couple of pics too, perhaps I’ll post later.
Bit disappointed there was no Nowhere Fast, but no worries. I still think the setlist wasn’t bad, despite my grumbles (it’s Moz, we’re allowed to grumble!)
Got out of there SMOOTHLY too. Very good indeed. Thanks Facebook. I enjoyed being on the guesty. Next stop: Molko in Manchester. Bring on the fine whines!

Live: Morrissey at Troxy vs Morrissey at Brixton Academy

So the rescheduled Morrissey gigs changed from a Tuesday and Thursday night to a consecutive Saturday and Sunday. We decided to try and get down the front for the Troxy so we could just relax and have a drink on the Sunday at Brixton.
Troxy was a really cool venue, with interesting art-deco style architecture and features, and rather fetching carpets. We got right at the barrier, but a bit towards the side, which was a result really, as we were just on the cusp of the craziness, but could still see very well.
Doll and the Kicks were good, but I prefer her blonde. We like their song that sounds a bit like Pink.
There was the usual suffering through the intro vid, and then there he was. We were pretty close to him, and the view was excellent. He seemed a bit subdued, not really saying much. The setlist had changed from Yarmouth more than I expected, and he did 'I just want to see the boy happy' (zzzzzz) and Pigsty (yay!) but no Seasick. Also, no 'Squeezing my Skull'. I think he should have hammered the new album more, and cut some of the Smiths songs. As for The Loop- give us a break. Still, very enjoyed You Just Haven't Earned it Yet Baby, and I liked his changing of the lyrics at end of 'How Soon Is Now' to 'and now half my life is gone... thank god'. When Last I Spoke To Carol is also really brilliant live; especially when Moz adds his 'waaaw' sound effects and wing-flappy bits.
A few people were chancing getting on the stage, but the bouncers were quite heavy handed. Moz was shaking hands and generally quite friendly, just a bit quiet.
There was less pressure on us on the Sunday as we presumed it would be the same old setlist and we could just kick back and have a drink. I've been to Brixton Academy before (to see Morrissey!), but the memory must have fallen out of my brain as I had totally forgotten the sloping floor and everything. It's actually a very cool venue which means you can see a lot more easily from most places. We were in the middle towards the side I'd say, and could see pretty well. The sound was also good in there.
I was surprised that the setlist was so different; and very happy indeed when he played 'Mama..' which I'd been dying to hear! I could have lived without 'I Keep Mine Hidden' but that 'Moon Over Kentucky' cover version was pretty good, and he even made 'Because of My Poor Education' listenable. Not sure why he insists on finishing with First of the Gang To Die... I'm totally over it. Similarly, Crashing Bores gets on my nerves.
On the whole though, two excellent gigs. Yarmouth was something else, it just had that extra special quality because it was touch and go if he would be there, and it just felt like magic was in the air that night, but these two gigs were good, too. Personally I'd like Moz to ditch the Smiths songs (OK, he can do I Know its Over) and bang out a load of stuff from Viva Hate/ Arsenal/ Vauxhall. Oh and play It's Not Your Birthday Anymore. But it's Moz. He'll do what he likes.

Rant: The Post Office

My best friend cannot attend the rescheduled Morrissey Troxy gig as she is abroad. So I needed to post her ticket back to See Tickets for a refund. So I posted it recorded delivery a week ago now. But on the Royal Mail website it’s saying Item blah blah has been accepted at Post Office X on 10/06/09. Nothing about it ever leaving again.
Now, don’t bother yourself looking for an email for customer services on the post office site; there isn’t one. There is just some shit-eating section called ‘ask Sarah’ (wonder how long it took to come up with that name? How much of our cash did they spend on that blue sky session?) and you start off typing in ‘where’s my item?’ and end up typing in ‘I hate you!’ and it sends you round in circles for about 3 hours. After much frustration, I finally found out I needed to call them up.
So I do. And it says ‘please read aloud your 13 digit reference number.’ Uh-oh. Now I have quite a loud speaking voice with a non-distinct accent, so god help any the softly spoken Scottish, or stuttering Somalian. Your phone would probably explode in your hand after three goes.
You can guess what happens as I read out the number. And again. And again. Then finally, it gets it right!
‘Sorry we have no information on our system about your item. Would you like to track another item?’
I’m fully expecting it to cut me off, but then it gives me an option to speak to a human- thanks. You know things are bad when you feel like it’s a lucky break to be told they’ve chucked your letter in the bin. She says she has no information either, but I have to wait until the 29th to log it as missing.
I do not have a penny. That refund was my spends for next week.
The post office is so unbelievably shit inside and out that it’s no surprise the website doesn’t work properly, and the phone system is pure evil. When you actually are forced to go in one of the places, they are dark, dingy, and soul destroying. They look like they last had a refit in 1975. Their branding is so rubbish you actually feel embarrassed for them, and the queue is longer than for the cheapest and best rollercoaster on earth. The whole thing is just about as inspirational as an STD clinic.
Just put the dog down. It’s been dying for decades. It’s for the best. Royal Mail? The Queen and corgis better start sorting this shit out fast, because no one else can be arsed, clearly.
And no I don’t want to buy your fucking credit cards, home insurance or anything else, just post my letters, see they get there on time, then fuck off!

Album Review: Doll and the Kicks

Where did Morrissey dig up unsigned band Doll and the Kicks from? I'd love to know. Perhaps he got a fax about them. Normally I trust his taste about as much as I trust his originally scheduled gig dates, so we weren't exactly looking forward to them at the (looking back on it, extremely flukey) Yarmouth gig a couple of weeks back.
But I was happily surprised. As the only Morrissey support band I have EVER enjoyed (even if it was once rather than the three times it should have been) I bought the Doll and the Kicks album. Really enjoyed their energy live and the lead singer (whom I suspect wasn't christened 'Doll') has a big old voice on her. She's a tiny little thing, and you don't really expect it out of her. Her voice is a bit Karen O-ish. The rest of the band looked very cool, too, and showed a very funny sense of humour with that golliwog pic in Yarmouth (why WAS Yarmouth awash with golliwogs?! Get Carol Thatcher down there, quick smart.)
The album is really catchy, total indie pop. I'd say potential singles were probably 'He's a Believer' or 'You Turn Up' but I like the more emotional 'If you Care.' and 'Cry in the Kitchen.' I guess it's a bit samey in parts, but I think it's pretty enjoyable. Easier on the ear than Kristeen Young, easier on the eye than any Moz support band you could mention. I always enjoy getting into bands with decent frontwomen, too.
(JOTV, I think you'd like these, they have handclaps on the last song, too!)

Films: Coraline vs Let The Right One In

I went to see Coraline in 3D this weekend, and very good it was too. It is a quirky animation, following the story of a girl with inexplicably blue hair and with parents who are pre-occupied with work. She finds a trapdoor in her house that leads to another world, which is essentially, a trippier version of her own. Her parents are nicer, except her 'other' mum and dad have buttons for eyes, and want Coraline to join that crazy club, too. She's not so keen. The whole thing had a very creepy feel to it, and was quite scary in parts I thought, for little kids. But I liked a lot of it, the cat, the garden, the dogs, it all felt a bit rabbit-holeish (that bit with the old women doing the play, for example- most peculiar). The 'other' mum was particularly alarming; especially when she turned into a particularly mean version of Victoria Beckham towards the end. I'd say see it at the cinema in 3D for the whole experience. But I think Coraline needs a good square-meal, her legs were looking a bit stringy.
I also finally got round to watching Let The Right One In, which you may or may not know is named after the Morrissey song Let The Right One Slip In (which got mis-translated from Swedish). Not sure how the two relate, but Mozzy and vampires are alright by me (although he's ill again, perhaps some blood-drinking might help?) Anyway, LTROI was beautifully shot, well cast, and definitely very unusual. My friend said she thought I'd find it slow, but I thought it was compelling enough that the pace was acceptable, and the story was always moving along.
It wasn't particularly scary, more focusing on the love story between the two main characters, a 12 year old boy and a vampire who was hundreds of years old, but looked like a 12 year old girl. So why did she fancy him? Was she a paedo? I was quite accepting of her character as a killer and a potential kiddy-fiddler, oddly. Anyway, he WAS quite cute, I liked his hair.
I was somewhat perplexed that the police didn't seem to be looking for the killer throughout the film, but hey, why let technicalities like that get in the way of a good yarn?
It kind of lost it for a minute when there was a very dodgy bit of special effects involving some cats (what is it with vampire films and cheapo effect; yes I'm taking about you too, Twilight), but the ending made up for it. Very much recommended.

Morrissey Live at the Britannia Pier, Yarmouth

Wow, what a beautiful weekend in Yarmouth. I expected Yarmouth to be some sad, fading town dying on it's arse, but actually it was lovely, very pretty with a really great pier. I personally couldn't be happier than in a place that's quite deserted, smells constantly of fish and chips and sells every kind of tat. In fact, that's my idea of heaven.
And then throw Morrissey into the mix. Did I ever doubt Morrissey would turn up? From the second we booked the tickets. As soon as he cried off the Albert Hall, I wrote him off. Yet there he was on Friday night; I saw him with my own eyes!
Britannia Pier is a bizarre venue, advertising such wares as Jim Davidson and the Chuckle Brothers proudly at it's door. At around 2pm we walked up the pier and saw 5 or 6 very insane people already queueing (some of whom I recognised; ah, the Morrissey community, we're so close- ahem). My boyfriend and I began queueing at 6.30 (doors opened at 7pm) and despite at least a hundred people in front of us, we got incredibly lucky for seating, about four rows back and right next to the middle aisle, which gave us a fantastic view (my photos were SHIT though, as you can see!). The seats were tiny and people were complaining about the leg room, but I didn't really mind. As we sat there, neither of us could really believe that Morrissey was actually going to turn up, on that stage, right by that person selling popcorn. It just seemed impossible.
Now for the really weird part: the support band, Doll and the Kicks, were actually GOOD! I know; I was stunned. They had a really strong front-woman who looked studenty and petite but she had a big old voice on her, quite Karen O-esque. Very impressed indeed.
Next there was a bizarre animated video with giant Morrissey heads on and a song that appeared to be called 'lighten up Morrissey', which was quite amusing. However, after that Morrissey was still hawking that same fucking intro video from what feels like two decades ago with the bloody New York Dolls clips on. He must be sick of it by now, surely? And I'm going to have to watch it another twice more, the bastard! I swear he's just trying to annoy the crowd so we are more happy to see him when he comes out.
And then... he was there, on this giant backdrop of a muscly man. I had never seen Morrissey with my boyfriend before, and I can honestly say, I've never seen either of us look so happy. The excitement for the first 20 minitues or so was just so intense, I was screaming my head off, and I lost my voice afterwards. We just couldn't wipe the smiles off our faces. Morrissey looked great; very smart in a dark blue blazer. He was in fine form, opening with This Charming Man, followed by Irish Blood, English Heart. I won't ruin the setlist TOO much in case my best mate reads this; we're going to see him shortly, so it's nice to have a bit of a surprise. Personally, I've been ducking and diving the setlist for months now. The set was quite Smiths-heavy I thought; I preferred hearing stuff off the new album, just because I'd never heard it before and it sounded damn good live. I really enjoyed Sorry Doesn't Help; which is weird, as I don't even particularly like that one on the album. The setlist was also quite Quarry-heavy; which is good, and he played NOTHING off Ringleaders; telling! We were treated to Seasick from Your Arsenal, and Why Don't You Find Out For Yourself from Vauxhall. Some Girls are Bigger than Others is probably the worst song off the Queen is Dead, but actually it was quite lovely live. The set lowpoint had to be The Loop; does anyone care? But I was very relieved that he appeared to have stopped hawking the new and un-improved Southpaw, and we heard not a peep of Best Friend on the Payroll OR Reader Meet Author; good! I don't think he played a thing off Malajusted either; I wouldn't have said no to Trouble Loves Me.
I think on the whole, considering he didn't even play my two favourite songs off Refusal, the setlist was excellent. It was just such an enjoyable gig, we could see so well. Seating venues do suck, but it's nice to have that little space of your own too, and to be able to see without being crushed.
Morrissey seemed in a good mood too, saying 'Is this the Royal Albert Hall? No.' and making references to 'outpatients' and changing the lyrics of Squeezing My Skull to 'it's a miracle I made it to Great Yarmouth'. I also enjoyed his joke about you being able to find 'Skull' if you had a large spade (although it's your fault Moz, you could have given us some b-sides, couldn't you?)
He was also passing the mic to the crowd, and just seemed in good spirits. A few stage invaders tried their luck, and there looked to be a brawl kicking off at the front at one point, but all in all the atmosphere was amazing. The show seemed so short; with just one encore, and he was gone. It left us on such a high; it just couldn't have been much better.
Just don't mentioned what happened to me in the 80s bar afterwards. Personally, I blame Rick Astley.
Next: Troxy, and Brixton. I'll be the one with the massive grin!

Morrissey on The One Show (I Could Do Both)

I was wondering what to blog about and then this phantasmagorical funk-phenomena lands in my lap. I heard a rumour Mogs was going to be on The One Show last week and said, 'I'll believe it when I see it.' Well now I see it. And it's disturbing!
My cunting freeview missed off the very start of it, but I saw him saying something; anyone know what?
It makes me curious that Morrissey obviously refused to be interviewed by JRo, yet will sit on a couch looking like wants to die talking about unemployment with Adrian Chiles! Did I just write those words? Did someone spike my drink? What the fuck is going on?
The woman presenter (I won't look it up) did NOT know how to handle old Mozzy at all! He wasn't playing her inane game, and she didn't like it! His comment about unemployment: 'I never wanted a job.' Don't they know shit about him? Her saying 'do you have a responsibility to your fans?' and him saying 'no.' I loved him not agreeing with her. His solution to unemployment; paint! Hurrah.
The clips bit was quite good, and people saying nice things about him. I wish they'd asked him for a comment on David Cameron giving him love. Jeremy Vine quoting Every Day is Like Sunday! *washes out ears*
His comment on making videos was interesting, he has very little input and the director just decides. Is that how November Spawned a Monster happened, Moz? Did you not get a little concerned when the hat or the bar of chocolate were brought out?
I agree that he is open and not mysterious; he has always been very honest with his fans through his music.
Good things about this interview: Morrissey saying 'it hasn't.' Morrissey saying 'fascinating'. Morrissey saying 'many, many times.' He loves that stuff! I also liked him saying he 'never had the Manchester accent which was unfortunate.' then laughing.
At the end some freak came on to talk about some old nonsense or other. These in-between clips in the show were the Eastenders equivelent of some great drama occuring in the Queen Vic and then repeatedly cutting to some old rubbish about Big Mo trying to flog some dodgy watches. Morrissey's bemused face at the science guy's utter tosh was a picture. I think he crushed him for life.
Loved his comment about the baby: 'He's very advanced for his years.'
A little birdie told me that he only went on this show because his mum likes it. What next, Dancing on Ice? 8 out of 10 cats? Is he gonna do the coat of cash on The Sunday Night Project? Save us from the flames, Mozzer.
But you know I am still there for life. You know we all are. You bugger!
(PS: I thought Jro (briefly) handled Morrissey beautifully this week, and very much enjoyed the Radio 2 gig despite Best Friend on The Payroll? Oh Morrissey. What next? Papa Jack?)

Album review: Morrissey- Years of Refusal

So is it finally time for me to do a ridiculously long and rambling review of Years of Refusal? It feels odd because I've been listening to it for a month now, and reviews should be written off the bat, even if they end up being wildly wrong, like my latest Killers one. There's a beauty in that wrongness, in jumping to conclusions, because it's fun to look back and go, what was I thinking? (correction: Day and Age is AMAZING! I demand you watch the Spaceman video)
I will say I only downloaded Refusal because I went to Quarry night where they were playing it, and I wanted to hear it in my own time first. And I was right to. I did enjoy hearing it played loud at Quarry, but that is no time to form your thoughts on an album, you need the lyrics clutched in your sweaty little paw, if possible.
So I decided to wait to write about Mozzy, to let it sink in, to let him catch up. We've had a funny old year, me and Moz. Actually, he's done more for me in the past year than probably any other.
So let's do it:
Something is Squeezing My Skull:Like you, I first heard SISMS many moons ago on Jules Holland. I was very excited by it at the time; I especially like his drugs shopping list at the end, and the 'don't gimme any more' bit. I like it when he pushes his vocals and yelps a bit. It's a solid, rocky start to the album and a well-judged opener.
Mama Lay Softly on the Riverbed: I think I first heard this at the Wireless festival, and in the mire of my early hangover (I stopped drinking too early) this song reached out and grabbed me round the throat. It promised better things ahead. It was just me and Moz at that second and i knew he heard me. 'Life is nothing much to lose/ It's just so lonely here without you': well, it's just perfect, isn't it? I like the fact it sprawls all over the place, the tune going in different directions, it has different parts to it, and a bit of a paranoid android feel (although I hate Paranoid Android). In fact, I think stick another two minutes or so onto it and it would be even better. I like songs that overstay their welcome. I like the instrumental break in the middle, I can imagine Moz swinging his mic around in a frenzy. Are we tired of lyrics about 'bailiffs with bad breath' and 'uncivil servants'? Not really, it's a giggle, innit. That's our Mozzy. And death has never seemed so appealing as 'we will be safe and sheltered in our graves'; it makes me want to snuggle down six feet under immediately. I like the 'woooooh's at the end and the marching-band drumbeat, and just everything, really. This is top ten Morrissey material (which is why he'll never release it as a single). One criticism, the keyboard is a bit quiet on the studio version. But considering how dire studio versions of songs can be once you've fallen in love with the live version, I think we should just be grateful there's no flute (or saxaphone!)
Black Cloud: It took me a while to get into Black Cloud; I thought it was a bit throwaway at first, but it's actually very catchy and 'roosts in the mind' before you know it (I'm too good). It's a bit comical, the thought of Moz and his cartoon black cloud on a string (is that just me?), but I defy you not to be singing it to your (un)loved one within weeks. This is one of my faves of the album now.
I'm Throwing My Arms Around Paris: Another one that has been knocking around for a while, I was fairly unimpressed by this at first, but it's a bit of a grower and pleasant enough, if lyrically fairly unexciting. I like the video; it's cute. Could I live without it? Yes. but he does like a forgettable single, and he does like to test our patience. I'm surprised he didn't consign Mama to a b-side.
All You Need is Me: Why is All You Need is Me on the album? Should it be? It was on the greatest hits. It's nothingy. It's poppy. It's silly. I'd rather he realeased some new singles. It's just Moz resting on his laurels, I think. Lyrically, it's the same old narcissistic schtick. However, you gotta love 'you don't like me but you love me, either way you're wrong.' It's Moz-by-numbers. But his numbers are worth doing the lottery with.
When Last I spoke to Carol: Ariba! This is Moz in horsey, clip-cloppy, film-soundtrack mode (see: barking dogs). It's probably one of the more original songs on the album, and it's definitely grown on me loads. Shouldn't it be 'when I last spoke to Carol?' It is on my itunes. Haha! (I'm buying the album, I swear!) I hate it when Moz plays silly buggers with his grammar. Will he be donning a sombrero for the video? Now that I'd like to see. I think this song would be fun to drive along to. I like the lyric 'to the rescue, nobody ever comes' even though it's a bit Yoda-esque. He does some good 'woooah'-ing on this album too. His voice has never sounded better.
That's How People Grow Up: How long ago did Mozzy fall out with Kristeen? It must be at least a year. Therefore; this song is OLD! I can't even tell this song and All You Need is Me apart half the time. Zzzz.
One Day Goodbye will be Farewell This song starts with the bizarre line, 'Always be careful when you abuse the one you love' how about, 'just don't', Mozzy? Another clip-cloppy horsey one; rather hilariously I read an interview with Morrissey last week where he said he strives to make all his songs have 'different vocal melodies' and he's only slipped up twice. Eh??? Half his songs sound exactly the same, including at least four songs on this album. This song screams album track in my opinion, and that title is straight out of a Morrissey song-title generator. However, I like the bit where he says 'I have been thinking (what with?) My final brain cell.' Talking to himself now. Oh this song also goes either 'shabba, shabba, shabba' or 'Shabnam, Shabnam, Shabnam' at the end. And no one wants to be reminded of Shabnam, do they?
It's Not Your Birthday Anymore: So this is the money shot. You can tell from the opening lines that it's just going to be magical. Everything works in unison; the tune, his voice, the lyrics (it's lyrically confused, but that's fine when they are this good). OK I can live without the symbals, but you know, I'm kind of used to them now. The first time I listened to this I thought it kicked in too early and we might have a kind of faux-fan favourite like 'Come Back to Camden' on our hands. Luckily, I was wrong. This song is DIVINE. It sounds sacriligious, but the song really makes me think of Coldplay; it has that big stadium feel to it. If Coldplay dared to release this, it would be a monster hit, but I don't think they have the balls for lines like 'the will to see you smile and belong has now gone'. The lyrics are beautiful, funny, exciting, sexy. 'The love I am now giving to you right here right now on the floor' is a bit risque for Mozzles. But it's bloody great. When he does that falsetto bit in the middle, it's like a choir, it's that heavenly. I just felt my heart go the first time I heard it, I just knew. It was a Speedway moment. But there's more; then there's this bit where he goes 'oooooh-uh-oh' at the end, and you couldn't wish for more, his voice sounds fucking amazing, it is just lush beyond words. It's like an orgasm in a song. It's like nothing he's ever done before. God, I hope he does it live. I hope he knows how good it is.
You Were Good in Your Time: This is my least favourite song on the album; it's like a dreary old soundtrack to some black and white film. I can just see Moz crooning it in the mirror, and it barely has a tune. It's only redeeming feature is the joke at the end, which is ruined by the Bright Eyes-style 'atmospherics' afterwards. God, don't I suffer enough of that shit from Conor? Bet you a zillion pounds he makes us suffer through it on tour. (Sorry James)
Sorry Doesn't Help: Didn't think much to this at first, but 'sorry doesn't help' really comes in handy as a catchphrase, you know. It's a bit horsey again. 'Like a QC full of fake humility': I even know the name of that frigging QC now thanks to some Moz fan on Mastermind (she was good). This song has grown on me; once you get over the fact all the average ones sound the same, it's fine.
I'm OK By Myself: Oh, what a title. This song really reminds me of 'You Know I couldn't Last' which ends Quarry and 'At Last I am Born' which ends Ringleaders. It's his typical overblown ending to an album, him just hammering the point home in case you didn't quite catch it yet. Not that that's a bad thing. Something that possibly IS a bad thing is it sounds way too similar to Sorry Doesn't Help and virtually IDENTICAL in the opening bars to Something is Squeezing my Skull. They REALLY like that bass line don't they? Anyhoo. This song did nothing for me at first but has definitely gone up in my estimation. The lyrics 'It's been so, all of my life, why change now? IT HASN'T!' are ridiclous, but it becomes compulsive to shout 'IT HASN'T!' at random things after listening to this a few times. It has a kind of Sorrow Will Come in The End amusement factor to it (lawyer! liar!) I like it when he does silly talky bits. I have no idea WHY he does them, but they are funny.
These lyrics, however, are unforgivable: 'then came an arm around my shoulder, well surely the hand holds a revolver'. Please! Revolver sounds clunky beyond words, and doesn't even rhyme with bloody shoulder. Morrissey, you might as well have stuck 'shoehorn' in there. It hasnt! And also, it doesn't disturb me that you're OK by yourself, I KNOW you like being by yourself! Now stop playing up or you're not getting any sweets.
Interestingly, the song ends in a Bright-Eyesey (yes I have used that twice now, but this is in a positive sense) wall of feedback/ vocoder action. I like it! It's all yodelly/ screamy/ guitary. There should have been lots more of that on the album, it really works. And as such, is a fine ending.
The album does have a kind of raw, live feeling to it, which is really effective, as I think Ringleaders was too over-produced (will he ever do Pigsty without that bloody rain???) I think I like the rocky stuff more than the poppy stuff, but I like the outside the box stuff 'Mama/ Birthday' more than anything. When he really challenges himself, it works beautifully.
I have only read a couple of reviews of Refusal (I like to decide for myself before having other people's opinions foisted upon me) but the 'it sounds like Vauxhall/ Quarry/ Ringleaders' stuff is misleading. It doesn't. At first I was worried it was a bit Ringleaders-ey but really, Ringleaders had one brilliant song on it (two at a push). This album is more well-rounded, more varied (despite my complaints), and I won't mind him hammering it so much on tour.
He's still with us. We will miss him when he's gone. So let's appreciate him NOW. Give him some Moz love.
PS: I look forward to hearing the b-sides & most of all, the giggage.

Jamie Saves Our Bacon

The annoyingly-titled Jamie Saves Our Bacon sees everyone's least favourite chef telling us what's what in pigland. Tonight's show began with Jamie telling us we were going to have a cracking show; surely he means crackling? Enjoy that crap attempt at making you laugh, because it's the only one you're going to get.
I was there at Wembley Arena when Morrissey said 'there are three things wrong with modern England; one, Jamie Oliver, Jamie Oliver and Jamie Oliver.' as a reaction to JOL slaughtering a lamb on TV. Personally, I just hate Jamie Oliver because he's a lisping twat. And the prospect of piggies in an abbotoir doesn't sound cracking to me. It sounds horrific. I also heard on the grapevine (I couldn't bear to watch the You Tube clip) about Jamie gassing a bunch of chicks 'to a show the harsh reality'. Which is a bit like me saying, 'this is the sad reality of Ian Huntley' and slaughtering two kids in the bathtub to demonstrate.
Has Jamie got a mullet now? I digress.
Oh God. I knew this programme would be hard to watch. I feel genuinely guilty about eating pork anyway, whether it's totally humane or not, but the EU pigs basically in crates was absolutely fucking disgusting. It made me sick to my stomach.
The 'Pig Brother' thing of putting people in the same kind of cages the pigs would be in was a bit crass, but I guess it proved the point.
I had to fast forward the killing. Yeah I am burying my head in the sand. I am a coward. It was kind of weird the way they shoehorned some cooking in there, that felt a bit peculiar.
I didn't really like the format of this show, I found it a bit annoying the way Jamie lorded it round in front of everyone. It didn't inspire like Hugh's show did, even though pigs are a lot more loveable than chickens.
So is Jamie an enemy or a friend of animal rights? I'll leave that up to you. But cruelty to pigs? Not pukka.
But god, I love sausages. And I'm sorry.

Rant: Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand

I have been so angry about this all day that this is the first move I've made since coming home. No bath, no food, I just have to get this off my chest because I'm going to EXPLODE.
FUCK YOU DAILY MAIL!
And fuck you the 18,000 who complained about RB because you weren't his real listeners.
Let me say first I listened to the podcast the week it went out, half of it at work, and half wandering round on my ipod. And the only thing I remember thinking was, 'are they really leaving that message on his answerphone?' and laughing a bit. It was pretty funny when they kept ringing back and back; it WAS totally outrageous, but this is Russell FUCKING Brand. His whole schtick is being on the edge. If you don't want a presenter who is going to say close the the bone things, don't employ Russell-turned-up-as-Saddam-Hussein-on-Sept-12 Brand. It's not a difficult equation!
Do you know what really bugs me about this, though (apart from EVERYTHING)? The fucking Daily Mail contingent do NOT listen to Russell Brand anyway! So why should THEY deny me the pleasure? I don't try and get Littlejohn banned although he is completely and utterly offensive every week. Perhaps that's the backlash required. Let's get the fucking racist homophobe Littlejohn sacked in return, the fat fucking spudhead. COME ON, CENSOR ME, YOU FAT PRICK! No, you can't, can you?
Furthermore, Manuel, or whatever his fucking name is, said HE WAS NOT BOTHERED. He said there was too much of a fuss. And EVEN IF HE HADNT, wouldn't he be MORE offended by the fact his darling innocent granddaughter is in a group called the Satanic SLUTS, for fuck's sake? Perhaps he should have a words with that sweet, pure grandaughter of his about HER language!
And it is not anti-feminist of me to point that out. She was plastered over the paper today attacking someone who I genuinely care about, someone who I admire, and who is the greatest comedian of our generation (no, not Jonathan Ross). I've often heard Russell talking affectionately about her and her group or dance troupe or whatever they are on his show, and she is kicking him right in the balls in return. I hope her 'career' disintegrates, because Russell has a damn sight more fans than she does.
The whole ridiculous irony of the 'hurt and offence' is somewhat marred by pictures of her in fishnets and PVC protesting she never slept with Russell. Whether she did or she didn't, she should have, the dopey fucking mare. And as for the 'elderly' Andrew Sachs (alright, I've learnt his name now) that's the most AGEIST thing I've ever heard. Pathetic. He will probably get punched on the street now by some irate RB or JRO lover, so well done, you complaining ninnies.
Is Ponderland being shelved now? I'm fucking furious about this! I'm even furious about Jonathan Ross getting canned, and I could take him or leave him. He is pretty funny, if a bit crude.
My boyfriend said 'it's all for show and it will all blow over' and I KNOW that's true, and I KNOW they have to be seen to be doing something BUT it still makes me angry that we have to pander to these soppy fucking cunts going 'oh, I'm offended by it', then DON'T LISTEN TO IT! You're not offended by it, you just want to destroy Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross because they are both mega rich, funny, and happy. They actually have happy lives and you can't fucking STAND IT. You just wan the universe to be bland and one dimensional and probably full of gardening programmes and fucking Terry Wogan.
To all who complained; I HATE YOU! And Morrissey hates you, so there.
Forget vote Obama, reinstate Brand NOW. You're lucky he even does your shitty Radio 2 show.

Recording of Morrissey on Jonathan Ross

The Morrissey luck fairy visited me today (about time, where were you last Saturday, you bitch?) In a rather unexpected turn of events someone posted on my work messageboard that they had 4 spare tickets for Jonathan Ross tonight (they film it on Thursdays). But alas! Someone else had replied saying they'd take them. Desperate, I posted saying 'if by any chance you don't go, please could I have your tickets.' By pure chance, two of this girls friends couldn't go, so she said she'd meet me and my boyfriend in the queue! Raced out of work and went to meet a complete stranger who I work with, and her boyfriend, who luckily both turned out to be very nice.
The Joanathan Ross set looks very peculiar in the flesh- tiny and very, very red. The black couch which looks so plush on the TV looks cheap and manky in the flesh and Jro's desk looks TINY! My boyfriend insists furniture on film sets is made smaller to make actors look taller so maybe this is what happened here. The couch, the 'poofs and the piano' and the area where the band perform are all right next to each other. The poofs sang a crude song about anal sex which was quite funny, but Jonathan Ross was being very crude which I thought was a bit 'urgh.' He seemed really fake and unnatural at first, which is a shame, as normally I like him loads.
I was excited to see the show anyway, but I was a bit disappointed with the guests tonight. How dare I complain about the guests when Moz is on? Well I dare! especially when Jro talks to some bints from 'Mistresses' (I know, me neither) for forty minutes and then Morrissey doesn't even get interviewed. Sob! Honestly, it was quite draggy. We really needed some comedy on. Jonathan Ross ate a cheeseburger from a can at the start which I thought was in bad taste in front of Morrissey and thought he was baiting him a little bit. I'm suprised Morrissey didn't walk out. Jro also said he was going to show a clip of Harry Hill doing Moz on Stars in Your Eyes, but he didn't (sadly!)
The other guests were so dude from Lost who talked about his old drug habit for half an hour (and he even admitted Lost was tosh) and Britt Eckland, who seemed truly nutty (and oddly obsessed with Google!). Jro asked her if she was a Morrissey fan and she lied and said she was but I'm sure they'll cut that bit out. There was a funny story regarding her chihuahua and a teddy bear, and that was probably the best bit of the show (apart from the obvious). She was very beautiful in her day as well.
I really wished Morrissey had been interviewed but he literally just sang 'That's how people grow up.' although I thought it was damn good live, much better than on record. It was really catchy. Jonathan asked Moz if he was happy and he said 'no.' and Jonathan said 'I wouldn't expect anything else.' At the end Moz said 'can I go now?'
Jro said Morrissey still had a sore throat and had to rest his voice so couldn't sing any more songs. At the end he kind of got on Morrissey's back and cuddled him and said 'I nearly slipped it in there.' I'm guessing they'll probably cut that bit out.
Morrissey looked good, quite thin, and was wearing a tight blue top. He looked embarrassed and bored in the 'green room' beforehand and I pitied him having to sit though guests so banal. Normally Jro has quite good guests on, so it was a bit of a bummer. Having said that, I heard whispers in the queue that it was going to be James Blunt instead of Mozzer so I shouldn't complain. I think part of the problem is normally when I watch Jonathan Ross on a Friday night I'm half cut so it probably normally seems funnier than it is.
The most worrying part for me was the very end when Jonathan asked Morrissey's band if they were going to finish the Roundhouse dates and the band went 'oh is that the time?' and buggered off. They seemed quite pissed off. I'm sure it was the cheeseburger thing.
Dear lord, Morrissey, please don't cancel the Roundhouse dates. I need to see you so much!
All in all, an enjoyable night, despite my grumbles. I possibly converted my new work buddy to La Moz, and I won't be sitting at home tomorrow thinking 'I wish I was there.' Oh yeah, I will when I watch Jules Holland. I bet he'll do more than one song on that!
i'd definitely go again but the guest list needs shaking up. Next time I want Moz, Derren Brown, Russell Brand and Courtney Love. Ta.

NME: You stupid fucking fucking fucking fuckers

Dear NME:
I wholeheartedly hope your magazine folds on the back of this imaginary 'scandal' involving Morrissey. Morrissey has a LOT of fans, I've never heard ANYONE declare themselves a fan of the NME. The NME is part of our indie heritage but that's all it is. It ceased to be relevant when I was about 16.
Morrissey is far, far too intelligent to be a racist, and you insinuating he is, or even mentioning him in the same sentence as the BNP sickens me to the core. Are you thick or something? Should we not shut the metaphorical 'gates' to Britain at some point, when you can't get a doctor, or you're collapsing on the tube because it's too fucking crammed? I live in London and I have had to change my hours at work because I can't travel at rush hour. I have claustrophobia. There ARE too many people in England, it's a fact. We are a small island. There are only so many people who can live here, that's simple logistics. Did you not look at it that way? Or did you just not want to? It's NOTHING to do with racism. Perhaps people should stop giving birth too. That might help.
Morrissey romanticises the England of his youth, but what is wrong with that? He loves England. He has a Coronation Street view of England. Good luck to him. Those are his influences. You can't take that from him. You can't take anything from him, because he's seen it all.
Dragging up old song lyrics to pad out the article is an act of desperation. He has started very clearly a million and one times that National Front Disco is a STORY. He also pointed out once that Eminem can write stories about throttling his wife and is revered yet Morrissey can't write lyrics about the National Front. Do the lyrics 'we've lost our boy' mean nothing to you? How can Morrissey mean nothing to you when he is the greatest lyricist of our generation? You owe him more respect.
To say at the time of the Love Music Hate Racism campaign there is 'no room for grey areas' is an extreme form of censorship. What NME means is, agree with us, or pay for it. That sounds a LOT like the BNP. The po-faced questioning style is just embarrassing. It's Morrissey! How dare you, frankly.
Well I hope you sold a couple more copies of your shitty, paper-thin comic. But you sold out a national treasure. Go suck Kate Nash's arse. Go give Lethal Bizzle a blow job. HE'S FUCKING SHIT! I never knew HOW shit until got NME TV last week and you keep playing his fucking moronic video! Am I allowed to say that? Am I racist?! Is that a grey area? You stupid fuckers. Seriously, die. Don't preach to me how not to be racist. I have a brain. I'm not a fucking moronic sheep. Your readers aren't halfwits, they don't need to be told what to think.
It makes me laugh that when Morrissey came back from his hiatus it was literally like the second coming. And now this.
It angers me because I care about Morrissey. And I don't want him to be demonised or destroyed, or demorolised. But he just sold out 7 nights at the Roundhouse. And you will never, ever stop us loving him. And you can never make people love you, like we love him. Start packing up your desks. I'm sure it won't be long now.

Kristeen Young kicked off Morrissey Tour

I was very disappointed to read about Kristeen Young being kicked off the Moz tour for saying 'Morrissey gives good head... I mean, cunnilingus.' For fucks sake! So what?
I haven't read any of the comments on Morrissey Solo because I know they will aggravate me. Because everyone has hated her for the entire tour, but they've hated her mainly because Morrissey loved her (and because she's a woman).
I didn't like her music, but I liked her style and I liked the way Morrissey was so passionate about her, and I liked the fact she was different. For him to fire her for a flippant comment makes me feel simultaneously let down yet unsurprised with him. I know he protects him privacy fiercely but can't he take a joke? He dishes it out left right and centre (beautifully, of course, see his comment about Judy Finnigan being Richard Madeley's mum, for example). If she had said something deliberately hurtful or rude I'd say fine, but it sounds to me like it was just a glib comment.
It's not just that either. If she had been just some band that Morrissey had as a support, then it would seem less unkind. But he has bigged Kristeen up so much. I have heard him talk about her in the most gushing terms, as if he absolutely adored her. Is he so unforgiving? Of course I know he is unforgiving, but usually with good reason.
Also, check out how stiffly the NME reported this: 'Although she does not confirm what she said onstage, internet reports say that it directly relates to Morrissey in a sexual manner.' That's a little coy isn't it? Don't pussyfoot around for fuck's sake, you nearly ran him out of the country a while back. She mentioned SEX! And?
I wonder which part Morrissey was most offended by: the head or the cunnilingus? He really needs to lighten up. It hurts me to challenge him, because he truly is my idol, but he is SO flawed. I love his flaws but this is just ridiculous.
Doubting Morrissey makes me doubt myself. And I don't like it. But I'm not one of these Morrissey fans who will blindly defend him: I know what he is like. I still love him.
Kristeen: at least you had a good run with him. Don't forget the good stuff. He is a fucked-up bunny. But he's brilliant. Brilliant but a little bit evil.

Nightmare of You- Bang EP

I only very recently got into Nightmare of You, although I listened to them about a year ago and dismissed them as a crappy Morrissey impersonation band. Well guess what? They still ARE a crappy Morrissey impersonation band, but there is something quite lovely about them. The first song I heard recently was 'I Was Never a Normal Boy' which I thought was actually an old song of theirs off their debut album, but I now see it's on this Bang EP which only came out last week. There is something really moving about this song, and infectiously catchy. My first thought on hearing it was 'it's Morrissey meets Greenday' (YUCK!) which I still can't help thinking sometimes, but there is something very English about the lyrics and the guitars if you can get over the slightly nasally American accent. He IS trying to be Morrissey (despite his accent), but what is so wrong with that? I like The Dears solely for that reason too. We need something to plug the gap whilst Moz is off procuring young men in Rome or whatever. Lyrically the singer has stolen everything from Moz, not wanting to go out, feeling like an outsider and all of those romantic ideals. Some of the lyrics are great, some are a bit crap. But it really works for some reason. I think this song in particular is the strongest of the EP. All the songs are quite samey, but they are all pretty much good, so I'm cool with that. Their self-titled debut album is very similar too, and I especially like The Days Go By Oh So Slow off that. (I like all the ones with long titles)
I Don't Want to Dance Anymore has a great opening line and again is just catchy as fuck. I know this is one of those bands you're not meant to like. But I have the same music taste as 15 year old boys on last.fm so I'm clearly at that intellectual level. I'm just glad I can comment on some new music finally because I hardly ever like new stuff.
You're Very Dear to Me is a very Morrissey-esque title but sounds slightly more like they Beach Boys. Say what you like about Nightmare of You but they aren't original in the slightest. I'm not fussy, as long as I can sing along to it and it makes me laugh or cry.
Bang (the song, as opposed to the EP) has quite funny lyrics about, yes you guessed it, wanting to fuck. He's kind of insulting someone into bed, which always works for me, I find. Not too sure about the guitar at the end though.
The final song on the EP is called Herbal Jazz Cigarette which is clearly an awful title but it's pretty good and I like the lyrics. All in all I think Bang is slightly less good than the album but only just, and I Was Never a Normal Boy is better than anything off the album, so all is well in the world.
By the way, don't google image search this band. They look like a bunch of knob-ends, and they are apparently 'emo'! In that case Morrissey must have invented emo. Actually... he probably did.

Quarry Night- Hang the DJ*

*yes, that was too easy

This year has been a relatively Moz-free zone: relative to the last year for example where this happened:

*went to the filming of the Album Chart Show at KOKO
*went to Alexandra Palace (where my boyfriend got a hallowed bit of Moz shirt)
*went to the V festival
*went to the filming of the Russell Brand show
*went to 2 Quarry nights
*went to see The Smyths twice (OK, that's clutching at straws!)
*went to see him at Wembley.

This has definitely been the year of Patrick Wolf and Bright Eyes so I was looking forward to getting my foot back in the Moz door and wiping out Mark Ronson from my memory asap.
The Quarry night is fairly simple, it just plays Morrissey and The Smiths. How can you go wrong?
Well...
The venue has changed several times since I went to the first one, which is fine, although the last venue we went to was good as it had a proper dancefloor. This venue was a tapas bar which we were basically in the bottom room of. Which was OK, because only about 30 people turned up.
Normally these things are awash with chrysanthemums (you try spelling that: OK I cheated), posters of Moz everywhere, as well as a video going. This just had a video and a few flowers knocking around. It seemed midly half arsed.
It's weird going to these things, because you recognise people yet don't know them. There's always a few Mozzabees, from the half hearted (a quiff, glasses) to the seriously devoted (seperated at birth). We were super poor: I went with my boyfriend and we were penniless so had smuggled in some vodka. We got very merry and had a dance, so it was all good except:
The music! How can you get it wrong? How about play about 25 Smiths songs in a row initially? There are only two options for the night, try giving us a bit of variety! They also played some odd choices: you don't get more die-hard than me, but I don't think they played ANYTHING off Ringleader. And the only things they played off Quarry were some lame live tracks. Live tracks! They sounded shit! Just play the proper songs! It was very annoying. Live tracks are only good if they sound amazing: and these didn't.
Finally the DJ berated us for not having brought more friends and said it would be closing at 2am instead of 3am. Cool: could we have two quid back then? I guess not.
Needless to say, I could put a Morrissey tracklist together in three seconds that would have made the lesbians all pee their pants for the entire night, not just the last five minutes.
I enjoyed Speedway and Lost, but the girl asleep on the couch for two hours was probably the fairest critic.
Buck it up next time, or only ten people will show up.
It's a shame: these nights are a safe haven and can be truly brilliant.

Stop Me, oh, Stop Me (please fucking stop him)

As you are probably aware, the most offensive cover version of all time has recently been released. To avoid the bad-karaoke-Morrissey-impersonator trap, Mark Ronson simply decided to take the Smiths classic Stop Me If You've Heard This One before and repeatedly bludgeon it round the head, stab it, shit on it, spit in it's face and film it on a mobile phone, then release it for other like-minded sickos to enjoy.
He applied a David Gray style 'singer' (also in a ridiculous EMF hat but you can't see that on the radio), a bunch of unnecessary strings, a drum machine, gospelly backing singers, and most bizarrely, when you think it couldn't possibly get more God-fuckingly obscenely wrong made it turn into 'You just keep me hanging on' at the end.!!!!!!! WHY???
He also made it 70 billion times more awful, twice as long, and completely removed any wit, style, charm or tune. Morrissey and Marr need to die immediately, just so they can turn in their graves. Has Morrissey HEARD this? I know you're not in control of it anymore. I know you're not. But this is WRONG.
The insipid radio DJ incorrectly stated that this cover version 'splits Smiths fans down the middle'. No it doesn't. Smiths fans FUCKING HATE IT.
Warning: if you listen to this cover verion more than three times, your enjoyment of the original 'Stop Me...' will be irrevocably impaired.
The pain is enough to make a shy bald buddhist reflect and play a mass murder. Oh yes.
Come back Tatu. All is forgiven. Actually, I love that cover version of How Soon Is Now by Tatu. It's better than the original. Hahahahaha!