Big Brother USA/ BB14 Launch show

I know it sounds tragic but my heart soared tonight watching the BBUSA launch show (which aired in the US on Thursday night). It reminds me of such a happy time in my life, when my boyfriend and I just sat in bed for six months watching about 8 seasons of it (actually maybe more). The Glass House can't even begin to compare to the magical drama, backstabbing, and unfairness of Big Brother USA. I have fallen in love (Kaysar, Dan, Janelle, Rachel - yes, Rachel!), hate (Cappy, Jessie, Matty, Jeff) and just appreciated the pure entertainment (Evil Dick, and even stupid Enzo and Renee). There's also the most shocking racism and homophobia you'll ever see and they do dick all about it, so that's good to get me angry, and I like to be angry. People also properly break their friends hearts. It's absolutely ruthless (remember Shelly from last year?)
It makes me laugh that they bring some of the same contestants back year after year. I don't really mind though, because they are normally fucking ace and have been shafted. This time they've brought four contestants back as 'coaches'; Britney (Queen of the roll eyes), Janelle (best female player ever), Dan (probably the best male player ever, and a real football coach) and Mike 'Boogie'. Is Boogie his actual surname now? God, he's always been ugly, but he looks completely haggard now. He also looks like he's had botox, ironically. He's got devilish eyebrows going on. Couldn't we have had Dr Will instead? At least he's easy on the eye. And how come they showed Rachel, Enzo, Renee and Jessie at the start? Please, no more Jessie. Please! 
Anyway, let's examine these new people. They actually seem like quite a pleasant crowd, there's not anyone stand out odious from the start (like the entire cast of The Glass House). I like the guy who said he'd been 'reading strategic books' before he went in the house. I'd love to see what they were. I like the look of Ian, who looks about 12, the blonde stupid one, the guy with the curly hair, the gay guy with the long hair who looks like a cross between Fabio and that dude off Made in Chelsea and is called Wil with one l... the nurse, quite a lot of them seem alright. What's going on!?
The house looks nice and jazzy. OMG seeing Boogie and Dr Will doing their 'bhahahaha' thing in the DR makes my toes curl. Arseholes! I hate Boogie! He won by accident! He's as bad a winner as Adam, Maggie or Jun, ffs.
I don't think Britney is going to be that good a judge as all she does is roll-eyes, and she got super-shafted in the end. All of the coaches look like they live in mansions.
This Willie guy seems kind of annoying. Hope he doesn't get Head of House. Oh.
I think Boogie picked the strongest team, tbh. I like Frank. I liked Boogie's motivational speech: 'there's a flight to JFK tonight, do you want to be on it, let's go!' 
The task they did was pretty fun, I love the tasks they do, and the way they cut them, and just the whole over the topness. The fact they kicked someone out in the first night was really cruel. I'm sad it was Dan's team too, I'd like him to win, plus Jodi seemed lovely, but she was physically the weakest, and I like Danielle. But it could have been worse; a lot worse. Poor Jodi didn't even get a real interview, bless her!
Who will Willie nominate? I suspect it will be another alpha male. It's bound to be someone I like!
I'm not going to blog every episode because I think it's just too niche for my audience; I only know a couple of people who watch it here in the UK and one of them is my boyfriend! Plus it's fun to watch some shows and not have to blog. Plus I'll always be watching them a bit behind. Anyway, you can watch it here, and you should. And you should watch all the old series. It will be the best six months of your life, I promise. I wish I could have those days back when we used to watch four in a row. I've never watched a show that made my heart pound from the drama of it all. And the unfairness! So many people have fallen at the final hurdle (Marcellas!) But these are TV moments you'll remember forever. You'll probably remember them on your deathbed it's so fucking good. Viva Chenbot!

Big brother USA Season 13 The greatest comeback since Lazarus

Well Big Brother USA has NOT disappointed this year (hope I can say the same for the UK one when it drops on Five next week).
If you're not watching it yet, step away from my blog, and go fucking watch Big Brother USA season 13. Seriously. It will be the best TV decision you've made since Breaking Bad. And you have a whole 12 other seasons to watch, too.
OK, have they gone? Now let's us in the know talk business.
This week in particular saw Rachel crawl back from the dead, and somehow drag Brendon back with her. My friend JOTV doesn't think Brendan would get 1 million votes. Are you joking? Watching that relationship is my main reason for watching it! I can see how it would drive others mad, of course. But I love it. I love seeing the powerplay, and just the cracks and chinks of how relationships are (but particularly theirs!) At least it's real. I'm not even convinced Jess and Jordan fuck. They are more like brother and sister. And Jeff, you homophobic cunt, if you said shit like that in the UK Big Brother you'd be out the door quicker than you can say 'Ignoramus'. I can't believe the others sat round and let him get away with saying that all gays are basically peados. Plus, Dumbledore is a fictional character, but I'm not sure Jeff is aware of this. One day he'll realise that it's only going out with Jordan (who told a story on live feed the other day about shitting her pants on the bus) that makes him look even slightly intelligent. Otherwise he's just a thick patronising prick.
What I will say though, is I liked it when Jordan finally showed her teeth this week and got angry. And who can blame her! I warmed to her a lot more after that.
Some of the most insane gameplay I've ever seen in my life took place this week. Kalia, on a desperate damage limitation exercise, not only cancelled the last two weeks evictions out, but also got one of her own (her former partner, let's not forget) Lawon evicted.
Personally I couldn't be happier that Lawon has gone. He's one of those bodies in there just clogging up the place (yes, Adam, just like you) and doing nothing. His diary room 'antics' are contrived and the only interesting thing he ever said in the house was when he recounted a tale of his granny saying 'if you're going to be gay, be the best damn gay you can be.' Granny seemed to have a lot more sense that Lawon, who decided to take up a kamikaze mission of offering himself up for eviction, with the mistaken believe that 'whoever leaves is coming back in with a magic power'. This was something Lawon basically made up in his head. My boyfriend was so shocked by his stupidity he thinks BB must have paid him off to act that way. But no. Lawon is just 100% moron. Glad he's gone, he was quite literally a waste of a housemate.
So it's always nice to get a 'floater' out, and paticularly nice when they set themselves up for it. I hope Porsche follows soon, an unfriendly robot with boobs, who hasn't done a damn thing for any of her supposed 'allies' in there, and the second it looked like Rachel was drowning virtually pushed her further out to sea. I don't know why they cast her, as she's not attractive, and she has no personality. She makes Danielle look like a nice person.
The person I was most shocked by was probably Danielle, supposedly a mastermind of the game, she did a sheep vote for one of the stupidest decisions ever made in the house. Didn't she learn her lesson on that from her own time in the house? Kalia was so desperate to step out from Danielle's shadow that she turned a great big target-shaped spotlight on both of them. Good work! Go team. They are FUCKED. And JOTV, Danielle doesn't try and influence people's decisions on how to vote? It's her hardballing those (bad) decisions that have got her into the unholy mess she's in now.
So does this mean Rachel will be running with open arms to Kalia and Danielle next week? Does it fuck! Kalia has completely wasted her week as Head of Household (HOH), and now Jeff, Jordan, Rachel and Brendon are going to be kicking some arse. Does Kalia really think she got away with it? After the way Jeff went off at her? She must be either stupid or mental, and I can't tell which, but they are not so much gunning for her as punching in the code on the nuclear bomb.
This has been a dream week in the Big Brother house, when the impossible becomes possible and all the cards fall into the right place. We watched the three episodes basically in a row (as we only get to watch it at weekends) and I can honestly say, my heart was racing the whole way through. This is the most exciting show on TV, the most outrageous drama, just brilliantly crafted for maximum enjoyment. I still have much respect for the way they always do the HOH competition after the eviction interview so you always know who's going to be running the show next week. The whole format is just brilliant, everything we do wrong with our BB, they do right with theirs.
And the cliches are true! This game does turn on a dime. Rachel looked defeated, but she's back. Rachel is my favourite person in there by a country mile, she's gorgeous, quirky, funny, honest, crazy, fucked up, childish, utterly flawed. And she just feels real to me. She really doesn't understand why others don't like her. But I do. Because they don't dare to be as brave as her. They haven't got the personality to get away with the shit she does. Rachel is like a fly in their ear they can't get rid of, and she wins competitions, and she will win again soon, and then THEY WILL PAY.
I just hope that wedding to Brendan doesn't crush her Vegas spirit. He's already dowdified her a bit, I want her with her full on cats-eyes makeup and the red extensions, kicking arse. She's an amazing player. And she still won't win it. Why?
Because once the 'veterans' are done taking out Kalia and Danielle (and vice versa), you do know who will be sitting there pretty at the end, don't you?
ADAM. Adam who has brought nothing to the show except a dearth of a personality wrapped in a cliche (he hasn't even got that gross beard anymore as a talking point).
Unless, unless.
I really could see Shelley winning this game. She is one sneaky motherfucker, and I know they're onto her playing both sides, but I think by the time they get round to doing something about it, it might be too late. She's played a blinding, cunning, trixy little bitch of a game and I salute her for that.
This week felt like a turning point. I think we're in for a mad ride from here on...

Big Brother USA: Season 13 begins

The best show on TV is back, treading old ground, coming up with new twists, and generally being AMAZING. It feels so weird to watch an episode that is actually happening NOW as we watched so many previous seasons all in a row. It's very exciting for us Big Brother geeks.
Chenbot is in charge as usual, wearing something vile, and talking about it all as if it has some sort of national importance.
The 'twist' this year is that they're working in pairs again (which is a bit rubbish) but the good part is when a pair gets nominated, they have to campaign against each other to get the other one evicted, so they aren't working as a team any more. Should be interesting with some of the housemates being couples...
It's too early to judge the new housemates yet, and I'm not sure of all the names, although I've got a soft spot for virgin motorbike boy already. Rawk dude is getting on my nerves, and I like the southern accent of one of the model women types.
America also voted three couples from previous series' back into the house. Now, America, we need a word, which one of you idiots voted Jeff and Jordan back in? Talk about the most boring couple on earth. She's dumpy and thick, and he's smug and condescending. He talks to her like she's a three-year-old. It was bad enough when she won it last time, why are you giving them another crack of it? They're insipid! We could have had the greatest player of all time, Dan, or the devilish Dr. Will (although Mike Boogie and Memphis would be too high a price to pay for them, Dan and Will should be on their own team of master manipulators.)
Getting Rachel and Brendon back is obviously brilliant; Rachel is one of the best reality show contestants ever. She gets people's backs up brilliantly. I love her laugh! I actually really like her, but she's already jumping the Nikki Grahame shark by re-doing her old phrases ('no one comes between me and my man!) Regurgitating your old shtick never really works. She looks like crap, this year, too, I wondered if there was a lighting issue in the diary room, but my boyfriend scoffed at this. Brendon is a bozo. How long before someone mentions the sexting?
Evil Dick will of course be the one to bring it up. Evil Dick looks like he's spent the past few years drinking heavily, his face is proper bloated, and Danielle looks like she's been smoking crack. What was she thinking with the black hair? She looks fucking dreadful. I mean she looked anorexic before but now she looks deathly. I think she's got some serious issues. And are we really meant to believe her and her dad haven't spoken in three years? Come on now, we're not that fucking stupid.
I can't wait for so many things about this Big Brother, to see the new HOH room, to hear Evil Dick's stupid heavy metal theme tune, see Brenchel soppily encouraging each other in tasks, to (hopefully) watch Jeff and Jordan implode. I know there'll be some amazing twists. And I'm looking forward to finding out about the newbies, too.
I also love the way they just bring oldies back all the time, they just aren't afraid to just give you the same old shit you saw last year. But thank god Jessie didn't get in this time!
Rachel is first head of house, which is crucial, as her and Brendon and Dick and Danielle are bound to be massive targets. They need to team up as they're all strong players, and annihilate the newbies, fast, or they're going to be back out before you know it.
Now, who wants to see my Head of Household room?

Big Brother USA Season 12 (so far!)

I'm actually up to date with Big Brother USA, which is good as I'm normally about five behind. As usual Big Brother USA is consistently better than our show; they create drama without shoehorning it in, they shoot it nicely, and the tasks are actually interesting, and mammoth!
The dynamics are peculiar, though, and your favourite can go at any time, as there's no public vote, and the biggest schemers stay in the longest. And the less said about the host, the better.
Each week follows a set format, head of household competition, in which the winner gets to put two people 'on the block'. (The also get a fancy head of household room, which mainly seems to have lots of junk food in it) The nominated housemates get to fight for 'POV' (Power of Veto) and one might get to take themselves off the block. Then finally, the housemates get bullied and cajoled into who to vote for, and someone gets kicked out by a crushing majority. Oh yes, nomination are discussed openly. That's the main difference from our show, and it's great. Throughout the week they cut the show so you think it's going to go in one direction, but you can normally see right through it. Still, at least they make the effort.
My favourite character this year is Rachel, a trashy scientist/stripper, who has sparked up a romance with Disney-beefcake Brendan. This has put noses out of joint throughout the house, and every one has been gunning for them ever since. One of them is looking likely to be out on their ear this week. I'll miss Rachel with her ginormous boobs, red hair extensions and a penchant for going 'don't try to come between me and MY man!' you get the feeling is Brendan actually brought her home to his mum, she'd poison Rachel's lasagne.
Rachel and Brendan's main rivals in the house are the self-styled 'brigade' a bunch of hapless, overgrown teenagers who look like they could barely complete a crossword puzzle between them. There's Enzo, who calls himself 'the meow meow'- presumably because he's such a pussy as all the tasks (nb. I had to be sexist for that joke to work). Hayden is half-vegetable, half-Tyrone off Corrie, and last week his two-timing showmantic relationship with girlfriend Kristen ended when she was shown the door in her hippytard (don't ask); not a moment too soon. She made blocks of ice look friendly. Also in the brigade: Lane, a half-loveable redneck, and Matt, a self-important prick who is pretending his wife has a terminal disease to try and bag the half a million dollars. Matt also has what looks like a girl's suitcase decorated with skulls, and pyjamas that look like a babygro. Rawk. I cannot WAIT until the brigade start picking each other off; that's the best bit about BBUSA; they all have to turn on each other in the end.
The only other person of interest in the house is super bitch-Britney. She looks like she'd bake you an apple pie and water your plants for you whilst you were away; in actual fact I wouldn't be surprised if she shat in your sink. Utterly loathsome, yet she comes out with some viciously good one-liners. I'm torn.
Then there's Kathy, a trembling 'Sheriff' who looks like she's constantly about to cry. I hope she lives somewhere with a low crime rate because I'd have more faith in that detective off Catterick.
Finally, there's a dull gay, which is a shame, as they normally do a good line in gays on this show.
Evicted so far: uptight lesbian Annie, oddball jewish dude Andrew (fantastic leaving speech though), and passive-aggressive, bulldog-chewing-a-wasp Monet. She said she was a model; she must have been modelling muzzles.
The tasks are epic; tense and expensive; they look like movie sets and are actually interesting. And then every so often, they let the housemates watch a movie as a treat, and we watch them laughing so hard at some awful straight-to-dvd comedy. Just gotta love that advertising. Shameless!
So what will happen? Will the brigade break up the power couple? Will Kathy ever win anything? But most importantly, who wants to see my head of household room?

Big Brother USA- The Final

Well, what a weird final. A strange crowd of drones (they may as well have been Mii characters) assembled outside the Big Brother gingerbread house. Where was the baying mob? The banners? Where was Davina? Oh, there she was, advertising hair-dye in the break. Subtle.
It was quite funny when the housemates got to grill Adam and Ryan- Adam started to go a bit manic and lose it, but him offering to give a load of the cash to charity was definitely wise. Ryan sounded much less convincing. I enjoyed Chelsia seemingly turning into a bizarre caricature of herself, but she did ask the pertinent question to Ryan- why would you love someone who branded you a racist on telly?
And were they or weren't they alluding to the Natalie/Matty blowjob? It was probably something else entirely.
And so Adam won, with 6 votes to 1, only Joshuah voted for Ryan to win; as usual, completely out of whack with the rest of the house (but that's why we liked him!)
I'm glad Sheila stayed loyal to Adam. I was hoping he would win, because I didn't want Ryan (or Jen!) to get their hands on half a million bucks. Jen's boobs looked horrible in that dress, all muscly and unfeminine.
And that was that. Adam got half a million, Ryan got 50,000 dollars, which isn't bad losing money. They even gave James 25K at the end for having the most lurid denim and the crappiest tattoos in history. They clearly have money to burn in America- next time- get a new host, that one is really fucking weird.
All in all, this has been the best thing on telly all year by a country-mile, something to genuinely get excited by, and consistently entertaining. It's just a shame hardly anyone watched it.
I'm sure our BB is going to die on it's arse this year by comparison. I wish the producers would take a look at this show, nick some of the tasks, and pick some seriously machiavellian contestants. Oh and then do vote to save instead of evict, then we lose the boring fuckers instead of the loveable bastards.
Just put me in charge and everything will be alright, basically. Vote me!

Things I should have written about this week but didn't

Sorry I didn't write about The Apprentice, I know at least half a person who wanted me to, but by the time I could be bothered (i.e. the next day) all the David Brent jokes had been taken by the press. Can you believe I picked that dude to win recently? It was a total cringe-fest. Alan has picked some prize buffoons this year... but he's also picked Alex (swoon!) so we'll forgive him.
I also didn't write about BB USA (mainly because I was half cut last night and can't remember the finer details) but I DO remember Natalie getting show the door! I guess 'Team Christ' turned out to be Team Judas (I can't believe she didn't crack that one in her interview). And why did James start on Chelsia in the jury house? The 'houseguests' didn't turn on him because of her, they turned on him because he kept saying how he was going to wreak bloody revenge on them on a constant loop. Can Sharon win it now? She'd be lucky. If not, I'd go for Sheila, Adam, then Ryan in that order.
I ALSO did not write about American Idol, and nor did I last week when Michael Johns went. Shame, I liked him. This week saw the back of Krusty Le Crab, which I was glad about, but as punishment we had to look at Mariah Carey's smug, punchable face for two hours. Seriously, die. I liked Brooke this week. David Arch-whatshisface didn't even sing that song as good as Leon! Ahhh, Leon. Cute little Leon. I enjoyed perving over him on a weekly basis. Who else is left? Shoutyeisha. Carly and her incredible frowning face. What's that stoner with the dreadlocks called? Fidel Castro? He's alright but a bit nothingy. Oh yeah and fish-face. I like fish-face the best. But when Paula said to him 'you've got the whole package' I was thinking, perhaps not having a fish-face would help. Oh and his hair looks a bit- flyaway... if you get my drift. So if he didn't look aquatic, and wasn't going bald, he'd deffo be the whole nine yards.
I could say plenty about Eastenders but it got so utterly silly this week I don't know how. Even Stacey wouldn't sink so low as Stephen 'Acting school' Beale. Poor Christian! And Sean just became utterly ridiculous. As for Corrie, I enjoyed the use of the term 'bat inspectors' but my main thought for the week was if you HAD to, at gunpoint, who would you sleep with out of David Platt or that gormless kebab shop kid he knocks about with? I honestly have weighed up all the pros and cons and I'd still rather talk out of an extra mouth where my cheek once was than make that decision.
Unfortunately I forgot to tape the show about the Tree Man, but that would have been my highlight.
Turn off- Katie & Peter who have gone from a chuckle at a mild happy-slapping incident to being forced to listen to some chavs playing their music on a loudspeaker on the bus for an HOUR. The words banal and inane do not even scratch the surface. Empty souls, empty heads... and still we watch. They really do win every single time.

Big Brother USA- 'Knock the bitches out'

Well, the dividing line is well and truly rubbed out now. Everyone, with the exception of Sharon, is a duplicitous liar. Natalie's power has gone to her head, she's looking more and more like a cult leader about to order them all to top themselves by the minute. Luckily, they're on to the boggle-eyed demented witch. I think she could be in BIG trouble next week. Why is Ryan still there??? Put down the cookies Ryan, you fat fuck. Sheila 'I'm doing this for my son' can also kiss my arse big time. Now I want Sharon to win (she may be boring, John, but at least she's come out with some integrity), or failing that Adam for just being a big dumb bozo.
The jury house looks like much more fun, I can't believe Matty just sat there whilst Joshuah said Natalie looked like a slut in that top. Where's the chivalry? But he's quite happy to take some of her cash if she wins! What a chump.
I was very sad to see James 'the free spirit' finally go, but he took it with good grace. 'Bicycling around the world' will now forever be a euphemism for gay sex. Cheers James. You and your ridiculously skinny jeans in lurid shades should have won it.

Big Brother USA- Crazy James Strikes Again!

I can't even be bothered to write about American Idol it's so deathly dull. But I watched Thursday's BB USA double bill and it was an absolute joy from start to finish. It has more drama per episode than an entire UK BB series.
Sheila is such a piece of work; arse-kissing both sides, I was hoping James was going to nut her. It was mildly scary when he was shouting right in her face, personally, I found that a bit aggressive for my taste. But she is an absolute lying hag and would try the patience of a saint. I felt SO sad when James was crying and all alone and everyone said 'you're out of here'.
BUT! He wasn't. I was indescribably happy when James won the power of veto again, he really is indestructible. I love the fact he totally rubbed it in their faces. It made me laugh when the thick morons were like 'how does he keep surviving?' By outwitting you, you donkeys! And whilst wearing those purple skinny jeans, almost constantly.
But for James to stay (and he deserved it) we had to see the back of devious Joshuah, who was absolutely fucking amazing tonight. He went down in an absolute blaze of glory. Turning on his best friend Sharon as she cried in the toilet was despicable genius. Why was Sharon eating cereal and crying too? You can't cry and eat, the two things do not mix.
Josh's fake crying was good enough for an Oscar, yet at the same time utterly ridiculous. Adam is one stupid fucker. But of course, Natalie had to stick her oar in and the whole plan started to look wobblier than Ryan's fat fucking neck.
We must be getting down to the wire now. Bring on the big sticks.

Big Brother USA- The Natalie Show

I swear Natalie must have mentioned god twenty million times this show. I know this for a fact, because every time she said 'god' I said 'blowjobs' and I said it a LOT. Natalie, God does not have time to listen to your blathering bullshit. He's too busy not existing. It's fun to play dumb? Only the very dumbest of people ever say such a thing, because dumb people can't 'play intelligent', can they? You can't suddenly spouting a bit of a maths formula, can you? No, because you're just a big dumb pair of boobs. (Sorry- Natalie brings out the anti-feminist in me!)
It sucked to see James and Josh so damaged and about to be thrown out due to that ridiculous airhead. I loved James telling Natalie he felt 'physically intimidated' by Matty. Yeah right, and I feel intellectually challenged by Natalie. That was some class arse-kissing (sorry, ass). But sadly, it didn't wash. I think all things considered, I would prefer James to go now. He is miserable without Chelsia anyway. Josh is funny, he keeps the entertainment factor up and the Natalie hatred on the boil.
The main trouble is I find most of the other characters of little interest. Adam is funny in a bumbling, court-jester way but a minor diversion. Sharon is dull. Ryan has less personality than his gut. Sheila is just a poisoned old witch.
I think Josh summed it up best when he said 'one of those people is going to win half a million dollars.' It's a crazy world. I just watch it from the safety of my house.

Big Brother USA: John you are WRONG!

Big Brother USA was brilliant as usual tonight. It's so much more exciting than the UK version it's untrue. It has moments of real tension and pure shouting-at-the-telly-ness.
I was so happy James got off the block, but unfortunately this meant Chelsia was doomed. She dealt with it exactly as I would, by throwing a massive hissy fit and telling everyone exactly what she thought of them. I loved it!
James was a complete div to distance himself from her and not give her his vote, considering he's meant to be in love with her. I was quite disappointed with him. He was being a bit obnoxious really. It's a massive shame Chelsia has gone, she was really cool. Being voted out for being 'a potty mouth' is admirable. I loved it when she gave them one-liners about what pricks they were as she left. I would totally have done that too. As for Natalie saying 'my family would disown me if I acted like that'- wait until they see you giving Matty a blowjob on the second night, you god-bothering, goblin faced doink! I wanted to punch her when she told Chelsia she'd pray for her. Don't bother, you boggle-eyed moron. You're going to burn in hell for what you've done according to the bible which you keep preaching from. John, how can you even LIKE her??? She thought Alzheimers was called 'all-timers' and it wasn't even cute like when Chantelle was thick. I am going to use my blog to personally attack you until you change your ways! You have been warned.
Joshuah was brilliant as usual, an evil genius. He's totally dastardly! And Ryan backed him up. Hilarious.
So will Chelsia and James live happily ever after? Not likely after she sees his deadpan gay porno. Personally, I've been more aroused by episodes of Coronation Street.
It was a complete and utter disaster that Natalie won Head of Household, now all the goodies are going to be knocked out one by one and we get stuck looking at Sheila's turkey neck and Ryan's Desperate Dan chin. Still, it will be fun to see them turn on each other in the end, preferably with large sticks.

Big Brother USA- Avenge! Avenge!

There might be only two of us watching it, but this is the best thing on telly at the moment by a country mile. It's truly entertaining in every sense of the word, it feels like much more of a soap opera and a gameshow than our BB. Our BB is more like a wildlife documentary.
Well, it was hilarious they voted James back in. At least an old housemate (sorry, house guest would have been grateful, James just wanted to kick their arses. I couldn't help thinking James would be better off playing his cards a little closer to his chest rather than going 'rargh rargh rargh I hate you!' But he was right, they were stupid to vote him back in. I am a happy viewer though, cos he's my fave.
They did milk that disco ball challenge a little, didn't they? Natalie's devotion to Matty was both pitiful and admirable at the same time, as she hung from a chain whilst he called her an 'idiot'. Then she went green and puked! I cheered when she fell into a pool of her own spit. And what happened to Ryan? He went from amiable geezer, to psychotic: 'I want that pink hair out!' Then he went up to James' yard for an arse-kissing session. Slurp! Good on James for sticking to his word when no other fucker does. Although he should have got Matty out. Matty, Matty, Matty! I don't trust people who put extra 'y's on the end of their names, Matty, Tommy, Jimmy. It's all a bit childish. Matt sounds much more acceptable.
I'm still liking Joshua, despite popular opinion. I find him entertaining. I like watching him shit stirring, it's funny. I like his eyebrows as well.
Questions: when are they going to show James' gay porno? When will Natalie realise Matty will never shag her? And who's going to go this week? You decide! Oh no... we don't, do we? Bollocks!

Big Brother USA- Lunatics, the lot of 'em

Sorry I've been AWOL, I've been really busy and the TV has been shit.
OK this one is for me and J-O-T-V. I am still LOVING Big Brother USA, it's absolutely bonkers. I have no idea what all the rules are, head of household, power of veto, some bizarre thing with keys, but I'm sure it all made sense at one point or another, on some distant planet. Some of the best bits of our show are sadly missing, such as a baying eviction crowd, and endless tedious conversations about the shopping list (oh...)
Rather than just ingratiating themselves with the other contestants and generally having a jolly good time, as in ours (except for when Charley was in it), with the nicest person generally winning, in Big Brother USA they lie, fight, backstab and generally try and ruin each other's lives. It must be absolute hell living in there with that lot. I'd be sleeping with one eye open.
I'm one behind so don't RUIN IT, as my friend John of the Visor constantly does, but it's been nuts this week. I'm glad they aren't couples anymore, as that was kind of annoying and risked good characters getting chucked out just because they were teamed with some psycho. But there is ALWAYS a risk of good characters getting chucked out in the game, as the voting just seems utterly random. Wouldn't you keep in your friends, logically?
I was VERY disappointed when James suggested Chelsia for eviction, and I guess it's only fair that he got put up in the end, but it's a shame as those two are my favourites. I like their matching pink hair. They seem the most 'normal' despite James's sordid gay porno past. He's not mentioned that yet, has he? Funny that. I wonder if they have live streaming in the US? I'd watch it, just to see if they ever do anything else other than lie and scheme. Surely they just sit and chat about celebrities, and their mates and their favourite bands once in a while.
Joshua, the (only openly) gay contestant, seems genuinely unhinged. And after seeing pictures of his micro penis coming out of the shower, I think I understand why. He's one ANGRY person! I wouldn't be at all surprised if he stabbed them all to death in their sleep one night. His nemesis is Matty, an american version of our very own Anthony Hutton (remember him? Yes, that misogynist 70s Thunderbird who won our BB by accident one year). Matty seems to think he's god's gift, despite having the most punchable face I've ever seen. He makes me feel physically sick just looking at how smug he is. I hate him so much I'm actually on spawn of Satan Joshua's side. Then there's hapless Natalie, a bug-eyed face on a good body (well it should be, she obviously forked out for it), who is in love with Matty, despite him treating her like a piece of shit. I KNEW that as soon as the couples were split up it would turn into a boys against girls vibe. So predictable.
Which brings us to there's miserable Sheila, 15 years older than everyone else, and prone to taking one comment and vowing to kill you stone dead for it. You may be in good nick for your age, as you keep telling us, but you're still a miserly old bint, so fuck off. She even makes me feel sorry for Psycho-Eyes Adam, who called the disabled children in his care 'retards' in the first week. Nice.
The other bit part players are Sharon, so inconsequential she left and came back and no one noticed either way, and Ryan, who has created a jaw line he doesn't have with a ridiculous beard and who is getting visibly fatter by the hour.
Oh and it's all hosted by an android. That person is not human in any way shape or form.

Big Brother USA

The don't normally show Big Brother USA as it clashes with our BB but because of the writers strike they pushed it forwards. I have seen the USA BB once before and found it bizarre, it is much less about human relationships, love interests and shopping lists, and much more about climbing over everyone in the house to WIN! It really is a gameshow.
Their Davina is a freakish woman, little sticks for arms, and a ginomous head. She could be any age from 25 to 50. She is in the show a LOT, unfortunately. The twist this year (there's always a bloody twist isn't there?) is that the people in the house have to couple up and compete in pairs- chosen by BB naturally. The other twist is that there is one couple who are already going out with each other but have to keep it a secret... and they have been paired up with other people. The final twist is one couple are ex boyfriend and girlfriend, hate each other and have been paired together. These twist are actually quite interesting, unlike the absolute crap our producers cobble together (women only, anyone?)
Not too sure what to make of the people yet, there are two gay guys who seem OK. The secret couple seem alright as well although it's all a bit temptation island-ish, they have to sleep in the same bed as another person! I think the guy will get super jealous.
There is also this 'older' woman, who looked damn good for her age but turned out to be a completely shallow, mean-spirited bitch. Upon finding out who she'd been paired up with she banged her head on the wall and said 'I wanted tall dark and handsome'. Well he probably wanted pre-menopausal, but hey ho. I think they may have been evicted by now, because there's another episode I haven't seen yet.
All in all, it's pretty much unrecognisable as 'our' big brother, but there is still a little kernel of Big Brotherness in there, and it has it's own merits. The people seem less human, and thinner, but that's just their culture. I'm sure they're alright really.