Sorry I've been AWOL, I've been really busy and the TV has been shit.
OK this one is for me and J-O-T-V. I am still LOVING Big Brother USA, it's absolutely bonkers. I have no idea what all the rules are, head of household, power of veto, some bizarre thing with keys, but I'm sure it all made sense at one point or another, on some distant planet. Some of the best bits of our show are sadly missing, such as a baying eviction crowd, and endless tedious conversations about the shopping list (oh...)
Rather than just ingratiating themselves with the other contestants and generally having a jolly good time, as in ours (except for when Charley was in it), with the nicest person generally winning, in Big Brother USA they lie, fight, backstab and generally try and ruin each other's lives. It must be absolute hell living in there with that lot. I'd be sleeping with one eye open.
I'm one behind so don't RUIN IT, as my friend John of the Visor constantly does, but it's been nuts this week. I'm glad they aren't couples anymore, as that was kind of annoying and risked good characters getting chucked out just because they were teamed with some psycho. But there is ALWAYS a risk of good characters getting chucked out in the game, as the voting just seems utterly random. Wouldn't you keep in your friends, logically?
I was VERY disappointed when James suggested Chelsia for eviction, and I guess it's only fair that he got put up in the end, but it's a shame as those two are my favourites. I like their matching pink hair. They seem the most 'normal' despite James's sordid gay porno past. He's not mentioned that yet, has he? Funny that. I wonder if they have live streaming in the US? I'd watch it, just to see if they ever do anything else other than lie and scheme. Surely they just sit and chat about celebrities, and their mates and their favourite bands once in a while.
Joshua, the (only openly) gay contestant, seems genuinely unhinged. And after seeing pictures of his micro penis coming out of the shower, I think I understand why. He's one ANGRY person! I wouldn't be at all surprised if he stabbed them all to death in their sleep one night. His nemesis is Matty, an american version of our very own Anthony Hutton (remember him? Yes, that misogynist 70s Thunderbird who won our BB by accident one year). Matty seems to think he's god's gift, despite having the most punchable face I've ever seen. He makes me feel physically sick just looking at how smug he is. I hate him so much I'm actually on spawn of Satan Joshua's side. Then there's hapless Natalie, a bug-eyed face on a good body (well it should be, she obviously forked out for it), who is in love with Matty, despite him treating her like a piece of shit. I KNEW that as soon as the couples were split up it would turn into a boys against girls vibe. So predictable.
Which brings us to there's miserable Sheila, 15 years older than everyone else, and prone to taking one comment and vowing to kill you stone dead for it. You may be in good nick for your age, as you keep telling us, but you're still a miserly old bint, so fuck off. She even makes me feel sorry for Psycho-Eyes Adam, who called the disabled children in his care 'retards' in the first week. Nice.
The other bit part players are Sharon, so inconsequential she left and came back and no one noticed either way, and Ryan, who has created a jaw line he doesn't have with a ridiculous beard and who is getting visibly fatter by the hour.
Oh and it's all hosted by an android. That person is not human in any way shape or form.