Eurovision 2012: Medieval C3POs

Ok I've been in a cab and I'm at my friend's house. Cheryl was miming! WTF. Her song sounded like cheesy trance that had been left out in the sun.
Wow those hosts look smooth. I haven't missed any either. Thanks Yellow Cabs of Morden.
OMG we're up first. What an anti climax. Thankfully I haven't heard this song. Yet.
UK: Englebert's sideburns are amazing. I have been handed a scorecard. We're voting on song quality, performance and dance/outfits. OMG he's so creepy. He looks like David Dickinson at a funeral. Those dancers are crap, too. Did will.i.am arrange those pyrotechnics? My score was 5 out of 30. That was generous. Someone else on this sofa gave it 20. Madness.
Hungary: glow bands. Pleather.
Good use of the walkway. Funny little ears. No one seems very impressed.
I feel like such an unsociable twat writing this blog - on my phone - in a roomful of people I've just met. They must think I'm Will.i.am or something. Fuck, that's twice I've mentioned Will.i.am now. Stop mentioning will.i.am. Will.i.am! Fuck, it's like Tourettes.
Albania: she's got a beehive with a ratstail! The ratstail is glued to her chest. Unless you've seen this with your own eyes you cant imagine it. Omg she's creepy, too. She's got Bluetooth on, too. This is truly horrendous. This is the song they've got playing on a loop in hell. Dolphin times.
Lithuania: blindfolded man. What a gimmick. It's a bit literal, isn't it. Wow his dancing is amazing. Sadly love is not deaf as well as blind. Someone just asked me 'who I was blogging for'. Er...
I had to answer 'myself'. The shame!
Bosnia & Herzegovina. Lady Faga. This is barely worth commenting on. Wind machine.
Russia: some old dears. I just noticed the building this show is being hosted in. It's very cool. Wow are these old grannies on the toilet? Wicker shoes. They're nice. If a little prickly. Is that an oven? Sexist. Everyone in this room is really enjoying this. All bar one. I hope they start rapping soon. Oh they just made some biscuits. Bet they've got marijuana on them.
Iceland: my friend thinks this is is the guy from Sigor Ros. I beg to differ. That could be Claire from Steps tho. I'm beginning to lose faith already. It's the first violin we've seen but I bet not the last.
Cyprus: I'm starting to feel quite un-European. Oh ok this is more like it. Camp and a table made out of some books. What books though, I'd like to know. A bit of Dan Brown, I reckon an possibly a copy of 'Where did the towers go?' Trancey and a bit of the washing machine. What more could you want?
France: don't vote for them cos they never vote for us. Gymnasts and a cardboard box. Do we get a half time break? We should.
Italy: who'd have thought Amy Winehouse was Italian? And alive? And shit?
Azerbaijan actually looks quite nice. Like Blackpool.
Estonia: Someone has just pointed out he's got a boner. That is disgraceful. A hard on and a waistcoat. That's just too much. FILTH.
OMG I just stood on my friend's weighing scales. I think they must be malfunctioning. Fucking hell. *cries and eats crisps*
Norway: Josh Hartnett meets Peter Andre does techno. I think this is quite good. Probably my fave yet.
What are all these weird pods they're sitting in? Oh Englebert. Even Blue were better than you.
Azerbaijan: she's got some Angelina lips. Someone is on a magic carpet behind her. The song is super duff tho.
Romania: drums. Futuristic bagpipes. Accordion. I wonder what Tony who isn't on stage plays? This song is gash. Yes, I said gash.
Denmark: I've spotted the disease ridden feather - sorry, singer. Kerry Katona seems to be in the background. I think someone's slipped the drummer some E. I like the fact none of it seems to fit together.
Greece: Shakira. You make me dance like a maniac. You make me want to smoke crack. Well, at least she's enthusiastic. It's a catchy one: we know the words already.
Sweden: Euphoria. It's got to have the washing machine in it then. Claudia Winkleman! This sounds like that old shit Cheryl was knocking out earlier. It's snowing! Or dandruff. Oh Graham's nicked my joke. Fucksticks. I know I should do this on Twitter but I'm too old skool. Who will read this blog? Why am I bothering? What is the meaning of life?
Turkey: Bruno doing a sea shanty. It's like a bad dream but really happening. Hopefully we'll wake up soon. I did set my alarm, didn't I? Half a bottle of Cava later and I no longer care about looking like a social leper. Wow they just created a Lycra pirate ship. WTF. I am still asleep, right?
Spain: it's one of those one serious 'woman standing there' ones. I've just opened a bag of marshmallows. They don't have any fat in them, right? To give Spain its dues, I booked my holiday to Ibiza today. But still, fuck this song.
Germany: this song is written by Jamie Cullum At least we don't have to look at Jamie Cullam. Dude has a beanie on and looks like he's dressed entirely from Gap. He's kind of cute. I don't mind it. It's like pop indie.
Malta: Washing machine. Quiffs. Yellow socks. Flipper feet! I like the enthusiasm.
FYR Macedonia: it's Lisa from Big Brother, that's Lisa of 'I'm dunking my biscuit in this hot sugary tea' rather than Lisa, friend of idiot David who the Irrepressible Dark Horse brought down with a verbal assault to end all verbal assaults. But I digress.
Ireland: Jedward look hot. I know it's wrong to say that as I just said it in a room full of people and was told. They still can't dance in time, bless 'em. Who's that in the background? I think it's Louis Walsh, Paddy Doherty and their mum. I'm slipping below the waterline. The love heart thing was too cute. I heart Jedward. They so should have won Celeb BB. That was sexy in the end when they got all wet. Sent a shiver down my spine, it did *pervert*.
Serbia: how can you follow Jedward with this? Dreary. There's a dude with a dress and some panpipes. This'll probably win it.
Ukraine: I'm in a room predominantly full of gay people who said 'she looks like a tranny'. I couldn't possibly comment. Except to berate them for their transphobia. Via my blog. She's rubbing her crotch. That's a bit weird. Oh, we're past the watershed. It's fine.
Moldova: Colin Farrell in lederhosen. And some women in lampshades who look like the cheeky girls. What a way to end.
The hosts look like they're going to an 80s wedding.
Eurovision actually goes quite fast when you watch it with people who are enjoying it rather than your boyfriend.
The problem with Eurovision is the voting goes on for waaaaaaay too long. Where's the acrobatics you normally get in the middle? I feel jibbed. Oh, here it is, shit. Leandro is singing. Jordan must have given him the night off from looking simultaneously startled and confused at her array of exes and children. Leandro is actually chewing gum and singing. I hope someone writes to Points of View about this atrocity of manners.
If you're interested in my scores it's Jedward, then Cyprus, Norway, Malta and Germany.
The voting begins. Only 42 countries to get through *grits teeth*. The voting always makes me furious.
As usual it's just votes for neighbours except Italy, France, Spain and Ireland all hate each other so we can't win that way. But we love Jedward so who cares?
1 point from Belgium, yeah fanks.
My friend just had a powercut. We're now sitting in the dark but we've managed to get it going on two mobile phones. This is quite surreal.
Ah fuck I think we've missed who we voted for. It better be Jedward. Who gave our votes? Was it Fearne? I demand to know.
Why do Serbia have so many points? They were dire. DIRE. Ireland have 28 at the mo. We have 1 point.
I think watching the Eurovision on three mobile phones in the dark might be the saddest thing that ever happened in the history of humanity.
Jedward were just described as 'medieval C3POs' in this room. That's better than anything I've written tonight.
Firemen have just arrived in my friend's block of flats. I hope this block isn't on fire. I don't want to die watching Eurovision on a mobile phone. Not during the scores, anyway.
That Lordy bloke is super annoying. Even at about 3 inches high.
God, I'll never complain about watching these scores again. Oh, apparently the next door flat set their hob on fire so it's their fault we're sitting in the dark CRYING.
We're second from bottom. And Norway are bottom but I quite liked them! Ireland gave us a measly 4 points. Thanks a lot.
Sweden (aka Claudia Winkleman) won. Oh. We're still in the dark, and possibly on fire. But hey, Jedward gave me the last sexual thrill of my life. Jepic. Goodnight.

Big Brother 11: Hickory Dickory Cock

Nominations announced. Shabby, dear, it's not all about you. If you can't be bothered to save yourself; there's the door.
Ooh, who will be saved? Who will go on the block instead? There's only one way to find out.
CHEESE task. Is the prize a date with Alex James? Or a sculpture of Alex James, made of cheese. Either would be fab. Bored of this task now. Let's have some action.
Dave is off the block. Great, some more homophobic banter to come. Ooh, he has to pick the person to go up. How to make friends and influence people. GOVAN GOVAN GOVAN! Do it, you fucking coward.
Ooh, he picked Rachael! Harsh. What a wasted opportunity. He should have picked Govan. He'd have been a hero. I don't think he dared. Women hate. Vagina hate. You could have said no if you wanted to. You could have walked away... couldn't you. He should have put Steve up. As they say on BB USA; you got a target on your back now.
I know why Shabby's carping about the noms, because she knows she will go over Fiancee. I want the bitch clique to get picked off one by one. Their late night baths are boring. More Ben and Mario, please.
Govan, you survived that by the skin of your teeth! You could at least be gracious, you little troll.
Urgh, Shabby is such a prat. Ben does have a knack for insulting people but they definitely deserve it. Shabby's having a tantrum! That's decided. I'm going to vote her out. I'm done with her bullshit.
OMG did Dave just claim he cured someone's cancer? Crikey.
Ben, stop apologising to that dickhead. 'I'm often accused of being a ham'. Hehe.
Dave's punishment wasn't exactly major, was it? Favouritism. He read that speech in a very sombre tone.
I noticed Fiancee pulls the exact same confused face as John James. that must be why he likes/hates her so much. I think the problem with her is that in real life people are obviously crawling up her arse 24/7, yet in that house no one respects her. (Ah, she just admitted what I just said two seconds later!) I don't like her little girl act either; I find it very cloying.
John James's attitude STINKS. The way he acts and the games he plays is the kind of stuff you think when you're 15. He's not exactly the Pick Up Artist. He goes on and on and on and on. He talks so much about how he knows himself; he doesn't know shit.
Corin acts like her sun-damaged skin is a shock to her. She must have sat on those sunbeds.
OMG what is up John James's arse. He has got ISHHUUUES. Someone must have given him a dirty look at a sensitive time in his life and it's left a mental scar. It's not that he doesn't like you, Rachael, it's just that he fucking hates you/ wants to fuck you.
Some people just naturally look snooty half the time. I've known loads of people with that habit. FACE POLICE. Don't tell him you fancy him. He's an idiot. Her apologising to him made me cringe. He's rude, aggressive, ignorant.
Oh, and you've got a wedgie.

Junior Apprentice: Kid B minus

LORD SOME SUGAR ON ME! S Club Sugar. Allowed back on telly now the election BS is over. Shouting at children! He's the new Supernanny. Supernappy!
'I am ruthless in business' says a 12 year old. What business? Bullying? Stealing pocket money? The rent-a-quote bit at the start is just as laboured from a virgin's mouth, but more creepy.
What do they win? An internship at Amstrad? A Nintendo Wii? Probably a tangerine and a pair of socks, knowing our Alan.
They should do this show with a Young Alan Sugar (tm) played by Danny Dyer (he didn't write that column, alright?! ALRIGHT????) I see they've got a younger Margaret. Oh no, it's that hard faced football woman.
Don't start your spiel with talk of 'humping potatoes', Alan! They are only wee bairns.
Is he going to bring up the babies if the kids all start banging each other in the house? It's fairly unlikely though, they're all ugly as sin. And Arjun's chat up line was 'I love maths.' bless him.
There's some Peaches Geldof type with an undercut who clearly had her stall funded by daddy. Nice red lipstick, though.
Team names! INSTINCT. Revolution (said in Russell Brand style). Jordan looks like a spotty Andy Murray. I hope he's good at tennis.
Apparently 'no one wants to do a deal with an ugly person'. Who's going to tell Alan? Aw, he's not ugly, he's just well worn, like an old carpet.
Task: selling cheese! How long did it take them to think of that? Who's producing this shit, Alex James? What's their 'treat' gonna be, a year's supply of Low Low?
Adam is a Darren Miller wide-boy type.
The new Margaret (Karren) can't even spell her own name, so I don't hold out much hope for her as a mentor. Oh they're not mentors, just 'aides'. Just nosy old goats, more like. She needs to practice her eyebrow raising.
'Quick! We need to sell this cheese' the boys suddenly realise at about 5pm. Meanwhile Daddy's Girl Zoe has an abunance of confidence and sells like a motherfucker. She's a cocky cunt though and so not a team player. She's got to be an only child. I wonder what her pony is called?
Cheese glorious cheese! Man up and sell the cheese. Here's a tip: Don't tell your customer 'we just need to get rid of it'! VIVA LA REVOLUTION.
DON'T FUCK WITH ZOE. She will rip your fucking head off.
Andy Murray started talking all posh when he went in the boardroom. His little nemisis was trying to dig him out (I'll call him Henman).
The boardroom; makes blue eyes extra blue, especially when Alan makes them cry. He's lording it up!
The girls (well, Zoe) won. Deep fried pig's ear; what sort of treat is that?! It makes my diet look sophisticated.
Rhys is going home, I guarantee it. He's snivelled his way through this first episode. He looks like a choir boy playing dress-up in his dad's shirt. Send him to the naughty step!
'Wind is my least favourite weather type' said the sheep farmer Tim (and the only one who looks like he's even hit puberty). Alan doesn't want to know about the elements! He wants profit!
I like Adam! He's a cheeky little wide boy. Him FTW.
The boardroom bit drags on longer than the dire action movie 2012. You could cut it in half and I'd still be pissy about it.
Alan didn't do the pointing when he said 'you're fired'! I'd feel cheated without that, it's like going on Deal or No Deal and it being Love Week and you don't get the red boxes, but a pink box and made to dress up like Cupid. WRONG.
This was EXACTLY like watching the normal Apprentice except you couldn't fancy any of them. Better than I expected. Next up: Junior Babestation.

Dont watch: Popstar to Operastar

Popstar to operastar! Just as good as American Idol, honest. HA!
Disclaimer: I'm not actually watching this for real, I just thought I'd watch the first one and take the piss. I might end up loving it, but Alan 'ratatatatatah' Titchmarsh and Myleene Klass say otherwise. Who would put those two in charge of running a show? Alone, they have zero charisma. Together, it's a chemistry car-crash. Under no circumstances leave these two in the same room again. Don't say I didn't warn you.
I have a confession to make about Alan Titchmarsh; I thought he was Tony Blackburn up until yesterday. Do they both have daytime TV shows? I don't know. Either way; they're both useless. Ah, Titchmarsh has gone for the Stephen Baldwin 'greased-back' hair look. Is this making a comeback amongst unpopular, overweight middle-aged men or mere coincidence? Myleene is wearing a bit of old curtain. She's as smug and unlikeable as ever.
Katherine 'e-head' Jenkins and someone called Orlando (not Bloom) are the shows 'mentors'. Katherine looks like a Disney princess, but I can't really take her seriously since I saw that News of the World video of her gurning her face off. She must miss it, those raver days, staring into the Klass /Titchmarsh void.
So, who are the contestants, I hear you ask (come on, get involved). Meatloaf! He would do anything for love, oh whatever (I'm still sure it was anal). Laurence Lewellyn Bowen? Hold on, he's not a popstar. He picks out cushions! Oh, hold on, he DJs on Classic FM. OH! Meatloaf and LLB are the JUDGES. This is weird.
OK, now HERE are the contestants. First, Jimmy Osmond. He's not the good one, is he? He's like the Stephen Baldwin of the Osmonds. He looks happy-clappy, like he's going to try and sell you some life insurance. I don't really want to look at him, to be honest.
How am I meant to tell if the singing is good? I don't really understand opera singing, I'm under 50. I'll just go back to castigating personalities.
Meatloaf's first comment was 'that dog was hunting.' Has he gone all Randy Jackson? Talking of American Idol, did you see it? POSH! You scrawny old scrote. She looked like she was trying to arrange her facial expressions to look as unself-conscious as possible; so much so she forgot to give any advice whatsoever. Plus, she failed. She looked awkward and desperate. Get off my screen, you useless old twig. I miss Paula!
I digress. Kym Marsh is next. Does she even still speak to Myleene? Myleene, step away from the kitchen knives. I like Kim Marsh. She seems normal in personality and has a woman's figure. Her voice sounded pretty good to me. This opera singing lark is a piece of piss. Hmm, the old Hearsay crew did seem a bit frosty, like Myleene was trying a bit too hard and Kym couldn't really be fucked with her. But I could be talking out of my arse.
Myleene: 'And for the next contestant, from Blur, who else, Alex James!' Er... Damon Albarn? He was the singer, after all! Alex James was just a smug cunt on bass, as opposed to the smug super-cunt of a lead singer. So he's definitely at a disadvantage, considering he can't sing in the first place. This will be a good chance for all those Orange Unsigned acts to get their revenge on him (he was a judge on it!)
It loathes me to say it but he's not looking too bad for his age, despite all the cheese. He's still working the floppy fringe. He's definitely thinner than when I saw him at the filming of the unsigned show. Maybe he's been on the LowLow.
Alex: 'I'm not giving up the day job'. What is your day job exactly? You're not in Blur anymore. You're just a rich twat making cheese. Just admit it. Actually, he does admit it, I saw him on Cribs once and he was quite proud of it, he was helping run the annual cheese awards, or something. It was bizarre.
OMG! That performance was the funniest thing ever! Alex is the Jedward/Chico of this show! He's got this maniac look in his eye and he's playing air guitar! WTF?! How to blow what very, very little cool you had in one massive swoop! The audience were all laughing at him! Lololololololololololol x a billion! If this is on youtube, look it up immediately, I implore you.
Myleene: 'He lives in a house in the country!' Alex, you have officially sold out. Ta-ra!
Next up is the woman from Shakespeare's Sister! I used to have their album on tape and I used to cane it, but if you'd asked me yesterday, I would not have been able to name that big hit they had (Stay). It's weird how some things just fall out of your brain: I can remember every word of Ugly Kid Joe's 'I Hate Everything About You' (!) Shakespeare's sister has got a turkey neck. I like her hair, though.
Alan Tichmarsh just spoke! He's not said a word for about 45 minutes. Is he getting paid for this shit?
Next is Danny Jones from McFly. I think he's the one who shagged Lindsay Lohan. I should know, he goes on about it often enough in all the low rent magazines I read. He looked like he was going to laugh the whole way through his song. Shame he wasn't as funny as Alex James. Christ this dude is ugly. Can he really be in a boy band? Oh there's the other one in the audience. I take it all back, Danny looks like R.Pattz in comparison.
Talking of bands with no charisma, next is someone from The Saturdays. I've never heard one of their songs. Six top ten singles? And I've not heard one! I am getting old. WOW, she's got a lot of make-up on.
OMG, Darius! Now we're talking. I love Darius. He looks old! That makes me feel old. He looks like he should be sitting by a bar smoking cigarettes and drinking shots in some black and white film. He was quite good actually! Go, Darius! Nessan Dorma it up. Don't crawl up the judges arse, Darius. Meatloaf, sit down, you're making a show of yourself. £50 says Kathryn's not sitting next to him next week. Wow, that Orlando guy has got some amazing eyebrows.
Shit this show is endless. I wonder if opera fans are watching this bemoaning the state of the songs they've chosen. 'Oh, not this one again...'
Last up is Bernie Nolan, who's not the one off Loose Women. Zzzzz. Another turkey neck, but be fair, she's probably about 80.
So in the bottom two were Alex and The Saturdays twonk. And they ditched Alex! Folly. A million unsigned bands cheer. Alex looked quite gutted. He was sent home with a bunch of flowers. You can't make cheese out of that.
Christ, I feel like I've just through about five hours of that. It was epic, and not in a good way. So will I be watching again? Absolutely not! It was total bullshit, and Alex is out, so what's the point? You don't kick out your Jedward. You keep your Jedward until week 6! I'm off for some cheese. Not really, I don't eat cheese! Blap-blergh-bleh, as Morrissey would say. When's Big Brother on?

Orange unsigned act final

I'm writing this on my iphone as the generosity of laptop lending on the part of my boyfriend extended to the celeb big brother final and no more. So forgive me for any brevity and schoolgirl errors. Oh and don't EVER buy anything from PC World. But you knew that anyway.
So here we are, and i have this niggling feeling tommy aint gonna win. He just seems like he couldn't win a popular vote. But we'll see.
Alex James mentioning cheese! Check.
The first scarlet harlots song sounded like a right fucking din! Lauren does come off a but stiff on this show, doesn't she? Shame cos I love her on the radio and the culture show.
Mcfly (sorry, I mean Hip Parade) did their usual shouty schtick. Zzzz if they win.
Today they'd covered up tommy's spots which made him look weird and a bit prosthetic. Embrace your flaws! Has he got mascara on?
OMG they MURDERED that Scarlot Harlots song in the studio. They sucked the life right out of it. It sounded like their batteries had run out.
Hip Parade did their second impression of the day; this time The Subways, another faux-rock band that felches off a genuine scene. The judges are showing their age bigging up such radio friendly nonsense.
I was a bit nervous they were going to put a childrens choir or something on tommy's song. But they didn't, so yay.
Amanda ghost said tommy should make his songs easier to understand. How much easier could it be? Perhaps he should rename it 'Gis a call-LOL!' for the really braindead. Honestly, where would Morrissey be if he'd decided to patronise his audience like that? 'Meat is Murder but chicken nuggets taste ace, m8!'
Talking of which, Lily Allens lyrics are deplorable.
Wowee Tommy won! I'm really pleased. Was it down to the foundation? No It's all down to me, obviously!
Phone blogging: I'm just so painfully committed to the sound of my own bullshit.

Orange Unsigned Act: Semi Final

Today I got up at the un-godly hour of 8am to go to the semi-final of the Orange Unsigned Act show. Even arriving then though, we missed Alex Zane mentioning Alex James love of cheese and Bo Bruce's song (pretty annoying as she's my second fave). Also, why did Alex James say at the start he wanted to hear something 'new' when they were playing their best songs? Wake up, grandad.
Oh, I take that back as Bo DID play something new. Pretty brave! I liked that song, I wish I'd been there to hear it! She looked good on TV and we saw her wandering round at the Riverside studios and she looked cool, I liked her outfit. Was she at a disadvantage going on first?
So we arrived in time for Scarlet Harlots. I thought they were excellent live, they have really good energy, and are very cool. I think they are the most honest band in the competiton. They seem real. I'm glad they went through.
Hmm, WHY didn't they put Toby Sebastian on first so I missed him instead of Bo? Althought actually, I thought this weeks song WAS his best song. His voice does sound nice in the studio, but nice isn't really what I demand from my indie idols. Still, he did play effortlessly. Not sorry in the slightest to see him go though, unlike Simon Gavin who must be crying into his little beard as we speak.
I thought the judges comments were all pretty lame today. They clearly hadn't been practising their insults in front of the mirror. Alex James calling Toby Sebastian posh was a bit silly, it's not his fault, is it?
I didn't really rate Hip Parade; I know it's unpopular; but I find them a bit generic. I still don't like that putting 'radio' in the title, it's too cynical. They are a bit McFlyish, I think. It's singalong, but it's not for me. I liked his haircut though; I like a bit of ginger.
I thought Tommy Reilly was on fine form today (biased!) He did my favourite song and his voice sounded great. He is a raw talent. I love his face when he gets compliments from the judges; he looks geniunely baffled.
The results! Bit gutted Bo didn't go through; but pleased that Scarlot Harlots did. It's quite telling that The Wombats are less talented than any of the semi-finalists, in my opinion. Can't we take their record deal off them and give it to Bo?
I think it should be noted that all the acts who went through have featured in my blog lately; Bo & Toby should REALLY have answered my interview questions already! I have the POWER. I can make or break you!!!
And with that in mind, Tommy to win. I want to hear his album.

Orange Unsigned Act: The Interviews

This week I interviewed the Orange Unsigned Act contestants... tonight's installments comes from the bands; Scarlet Harlots and Hip Parade. Enjoy!

Rob from Hip Parade:

1. Who's the best ginger in Eastenders, Bradley or Max?
well Bradley, cos Max is evil! (Max is the dad, yeah?)

2. Have any of you ever worn a dress? How did you look? If not, do you fancy it? Ive not, no... I dont have the legs for it!

3. Have you seen the Loch Ness Monster?
Yes.

4. What does a Hip Parade involve?
Ringing ears, pizza, Irn Bru and lack of sleep!

5. Do you think you can win the show? Will you win it?
We need to win it to get out of our boring day jobs!! We have done all we can to prove ourselves in the show. Its now in the hands of the public!

Tom from Scarlet Harlots:

1. What other colour harlots do you like?
Just as Will Smith said in his heavy 90's tune Miami; '...Real sweet faces, every different nation, Spanish, Hatian, Indian, Jamaican, Black, White, Cuban and Asian." If you're a Harlot, you're in!'

2. Would you rather have a cheese supper with Alex James or a years supply of Dairylea lunchables?
Dairylea. Next question.

3. Have any of you got recognised yet? What happened?
Geoff gets recognised regularly. Some (lovely) girl ran across the road screaming things at him in London the other week, almost at her peril, as the traffic was peaking. A conversation ended with the girl complimenting the whole Scarlet Harlots vibe, so all was good.

4. Is there a Yoko Ono figure in the Scarlet Harlots' story?
Yoko Ono's Flux film offerings were pretty wafty in all honesty! If you're asking about intense female characters in the Harlot hareem, then yes is the answer, but they're there for the right reason!

5. Do you think you can win the show? Will you win it?
We can win the show if people are feeling us. There's way more to us than what you see on stage and your TV. The Harlot bug is spreading and if web numbers are anything to go by, we should make it to the final.

Orange Unsigned Act: Not a catchy name for a show.

How about the Alt. Factor? Indie Idol? I suppose they wanted to squeeze 'orange' in. (That was almost a joke)

FYI: Have I mentioned I like Tommy Reilly? Jo Wiley's face is highly amusing in this. I think she's whispering in that guy's ear that she's got the hots for him.


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I also like Bo Bruce, her voice is lush:


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This blog was sponsored by lightupvirginmary being a ligger. It's all downhill from here, I'll be singing the praises of Michelle Heaton next week if someone gives me 50p and a sausage sandwich. (Don't tell MOZZY!)

T4: Orange Unsigned Act

In my usual vein of being into things that are aimed at people a decade younger than me, I have very much been enjoying Orange Unsigned Act, or the indie X Factor. I didn't watch it last year, and I wish I had as it's damn good fun. I'm always put off by the collection of snidey cunts who present T4, but if you can bear to sit through two seconds of them, it's worth it for this. Oh, and another warning; the actual show is presented by fake-it-so-real-he-is-beyond-fake Alex Zane. If I can live through his guyliner in place of a personality and his brand-new topman indie gear schtick, then you can. I just like to stick my fingers in my ears until he goes away. It works reasonably well.
So, onto the judges! In Simon Cowell's role is some record company exec guy 'the money' who looks like that sweary bloke from Dead Set crossed with the new Dennis the Menace's dad. Louis Walsh is played by everyone's least favourite member of Blur; Daily-Mail-pandering cheese-enthusiast Alex James. And in Cheryl Cole's shoes, is everyone's favourite member of Kenickie (OK, I have no recollection of the other two) Lauren Laverne. Who could say a bad word about Lauren? Not me. She rocks.
The weird/ best part is some of these bands/ singers are actually very good. I particularly like spotty-but-sweet Tommy Reilly and posh, Princess Diana-a-like Bo Bruce. Today's show saw them supporting McFly! But don't hold that against them.
Toby Sebastian is the dullest of the group; he covered Corrine Bailey Rae recently, so that probably tells you all you need to know. Like a prettier James Blunt, he'd probably go far on the real X Factor. He might even win this if money-dude gets his way. Showed he had no personality whatsoever during the interviewing task. Played a song that was dull beyond belief. Losing in front of his home crowd, as someone who is VERY good at interviews once sang.
Scarlet Harlots (not to be confused with Jamie Oliver's band, the equally awfully-named Scarlet Division) are alright; they are trying DESPERATELY hard to be cool, and succeeding to a degree. The lead singer has an interesting face. They are a bit shambolic but I think that's OK. Today's song sounded a bit ska-ish. Alex Zane was nodding along, so there's the kiss of death. Haha, he of the stupidly-named kids (Geronimo, anyone?) Alex James said they needed a chorus like 'uh oh, we're in trouble' by Shampoo! Their faces were a picture. Oh my god, then Alex James said 'look at me whilst I'm talking to you!'. Rex revival!!! DO YOU LOVE ME, NICOLE? DO YA? DO YA?
This is TV gold.
Tommy Reilly went to meet Scott Mills who is apparently 'influential in music'. And the blandest man on earth. Tommy came across as self-deprecating and charming as usual. I liked the song he played, the guitar was quite Bright Eyes-ey. I like his foghorn style of singing, I like singers with imperfect voices who shout a bit (Conor, Courtney & so on). I really like that song of Tommy's with that lyric of his 'give me a call, you got a phone don't you?' It's so simple, but it just gets lodged in your brain. That's good song-writing for you.
Bo Bruce is cool; she has a great voice and a bad attitude, which is a good combination. I like the way she's a bit posh and arrogant and she doesn't play nice. She definitely has balls. Clashing swords with Lauren Laverne is a little dangerous though; especially when Lauren is voting on your career. I really liked that song Bo sang though, I thought it was pretty catchy. Lauren looked a bit miffied when Bo's friends heckled her. I don't think it was true that Bo's not as good as the others though. I think she's the second best, after Tommy.
The final act in the competition is Hip Parade. They were good in the interview. I don't like their music though. It's catchy, but kiddie rock, I think. A bit crass of them to write a song with 'radio' in the title; as we all know songs with 'radio' in the title get played on the radio lots more than songs that don't. That doesn't make them good.
It was a shame the Scarlet Harlots went. They should have ditched Toby Sebastian, but I'm glad Bo survived. For the vote-back show next week, I'd vote back in Scarlet Harlots or Klaus Says Buy The Record, mainly cos I fancied him (ahem).
PS: Alex James. Lay off the cheese, for fuck's sake, fatty.