Ok I've been in a cab and I'm at my friend's house. Cheryl was miming! WTF. Her song sounded like cheesy trance that had been left out in the sun.
Wow those hosts look smooth. I haven't missed any either. Thanks Yellow Cabs of Morden.
OMG we're up first. What an anti climax. Thankfully I haven't heard this song. Yet.
UK: Englebert's sideburns are amazing. I have been handed a scorecard. We're voting on song quality, performance and dance/outfits. OMG he's so creepy. He looks like David Dickinson at a funeral. Those dancers are crap, too. Did will.i.am arrange those pyrotechnics? My score was 5 out of 30. That was generous. Someone else on this sofa gave it 20. Madness.
Hungary: glow bands. Pleather.
Good use of the walkway. Funny little ears. No one seems very impressed.
I feel like such an unsociable twat writing this blog - on my phone - in a roomful of people I've just met. They must think I'm Will.i.am or something. Fuck, that's twice I've mentioned Will.i.am now. Stop mentioning will.i.am. Will.i.am! Fuck, it's like Tourettes.
Albania: she's got a beehive with a ratstail! The ratstail is glued to her chest. Unless you've seen this with your own eyes you cant imagine it. Omg she's creepy, too. She's got Bluetooth on, too. This is truly horrendous. This is the song they've got playing on a loop in hell. Dolphin times.
Lithuania: blindfolded man. What a gimmick. It's a bit literal, isn't it. Wow his dancing is amazing. Sadly love is not deaf as well as blind. Someone just asked me 'who I was blogging for'. Er...
I had to answer 'myself'. The shame!
Bosnia & Herzegovina. Lady Faga. This is barely worth commenting on. Wind machine.
Russia: some old dears. I just noticed the building this show is being hosted in. It's very cool. Wow are these old grannies on the toilet? Wicker shoes. They're nice. If a little prickly. Is that an oven? Sexist. Everyone in this room is really enjoying this. All bar one. I hope they start rapping soon. Oh they just made some biscuits. Bet they've got marijuana on them.
Iceland: my friend thinks this is is the guy from Sigor Ros. I beg to differ. That could be Claire from Steps tho. I'm beginning to lose faith already. It's the first violin we've seen but I bet not the last.
Cyprus: I'm starting to feel quite un-European. Oh ok this is more like it. Camp and a table made out of some books. What books though, I'd like to know. A bit of Dan Brown, I reckon an possibly a copy of 'Where did the towers go?' Trancey and a bit of the washing machine. What more could you want?
France: don't vote for them cos they never vote for us. Gymnasts and a cardboard box. Do we get a half time break? We should.
Italy: who'd have thought Amy Winehouse was Italian? And alive? And shit?
Azerbaijan actually looks quite nice. Like Blackpool.
Estonia: Someone has just pointed out he's got a boner. That is disgraceful. A hard on and a waistcoat. That's just too much. FILTH.
OMG I just stood on my friend's weighing scales. I think they must be malfunctioning. Fucking hell. *cries and eats crisps*
Norway: Josh Hartnett meets Peter Andre does techno. I think this is quite good. Probably my fave yet.
What are all these weird pods they're sitting in? Oh Englebert. Even Blue were better than you.
Azerbaijan: she's got some Angelina lips. Someone is on a magic carpet behind her. The song is super duff tho.
Romania: drums. Futuristic bagpipes. Accordion. I wonder what Tony who isn't on stage plays? This song is gash. Yes, I said gash.
Denmark: I've spotted the disease ridden feather - sorry, singer. Kerry Katona seems to be in the background. I think someone's slipped the drummer some E. I like the fact none of it seems to fit together.
Greece: Shakira. You make me dance like a maniac. You make me want to smoke crack. Well, at least she's enthusiastic. It's a catchy one: we know the words already.
Sweden: Euphoria. It's got to have the washing machine in it then. Claudia Winkleman! This sounds like that old shit Cheryl was knocking out earlier. It's snowing! Or dandruff. Oh Graham's nicked my joke. Fucksticks. I know I should do this on Twitter but I'm too old skool. Who will read this blog? Why am I bothering? What is the meaning of life?
Turkey: Bruno doing a sea shanty. It's like a bad dream but really happening. Hopefully we'll wake up soon. I did set my alarm, didn't I? Half a bottle of Cava later and I no longer care about looking like a social leper. Wow they just created a Lycra pirate ship. WTF. I am still asleep, right?
Spain: it's one of those one serious 'woman standing there' ones. I've just opened a bag of marshmallows. They don't have any fat in them, right? To give Spain its dues, I booked my holiday to Ibiza today. But still, fuck this song.
Germany: this song is written by Jamie Cullum At least we don't have to look at Jamie Cullam. Dude has a beanie on and looks like he's dressed entirely from Gap. He's kind of cute. I don't mind it. It's like pop indie.
Malta: Washing machine. Quiffs. Yellow socks. Flipper feet! I like the enthusiasm.
FYR Macedonia: it's Lisa from Big Brother, that's Lisa of 'I'm dunking my biscuit in this hot sugary tea' rather than Lisa, friend of idiot David who the Irrepressible Dark Horse brought down with a verbal assault to end all verbal assaults. But I digress.
Ireland: Jedward look hot. I know it's wrong to say that as I just said it in a room full of people and was told. They still can't dance in time, bless 'em. Who's that in the background? I think it's Louis Walsh, Paddy Doherty and their mum. I'm slipping below the waterline. The love heart thing was too cute. I heart Jedward. They so should have won Celeb BB. That was sexy in the end when they got all wet. Sent a shiver down my spine, it did *pervert*.
Serbia: how can you follow Jedward with this? Dreary. There's a dude with a dress and some panpipes. This'll probably win it.
Ukraine: I'm in a room predominantly full of gay people who said 'she looks like a tranny'. I couldn't possibly comment. Except to berate them for their transphobia. Via my blog. She's rubbing her crotch. That's a bit weird. Oh, we're past the watershed. It's fine.
Moldova: Colin Farrell in lederhosen. And some women in lampshades who look like the cheeky girls. What a way to end.
The hosts look like they're going to an 80s wedding.
Eurovision actually goes quite fast when you watch it with people who are enjoying it rather than your boyfriend.
The problem with Eurovision is the voting goes on for waaaaaaay too long. Where's the acrobatics you normally get in the middle? I feel jibbed. Oh, here it is, shit. Leandro is singing. Jordan must have given him the night off from looking simultaneously startled and confused at her array of exes and children. Leandro is actually chewing gum and singing. I hope someone writes to Points of View about this atrocity of manners.
If you're interested in my scores it's Jedward, then Cyprus, Norway, Malta and Germany.
The voting begins. Only 42 countries to get through *grits teeth*. The voting always makes me furious.
As usual it's just votes for neighbours except Italy, France, Spain and Ireland all hate each other so we can't win that way. But we love Jedward so who cares?
1 point from Belgium, yeah fanks.
My friend just had a powercut. We're now sitting in the dark but we've managed to get it going on two mobile phones. This is quite surreal.
Ah fuck I think we've missed who we voted for. It better be Jedward. Who gave our votes? Was it Fearne? I demand to know.
Why do Serbia have so many points? They were dire. DIRE. Ireland have 28 at the mo. We have 1 point.
I think watching the Eurovision on three mobile phones in the dark might be the saddest thing that ever happened in the history of humanity.
Jedward were just described as 'medieval C3POs' in this room. That's better than anything I've written tonight.
Firemen have just arrived in my friend's block of flats. I hope this block isn't on fire. I don't want to die watching Eurovision on a mobile phone. Not during the scores, anyway.
That Lordy bloke is super annoying. Even at about 3 inches high.
God, I'll never complain about watching these scores again. Oh, apparently the next door flat set their hob on fire so it's their fault we're sitting in the dark CRYING.
We're second from bottom. And Norway are bottom but I quite liked them! Ireland gave us a measly 4 points. Thanks a lot.
Sweden (aka Claudia Winkleman) won. Oh. We're still in the dark, and possibly on fire. But hey, Jedward gave me the last sexual thrill of my life. Jepic. Goodnight.