Bo Bruce tonight, thank God. I do think The Voice is getting a hard time in the press. It's good fun! Mind you, I loved Fame Academy. Who can forget the lovely Lemar and Ainslie? They were lush. Besides, Britain's Got Talent is TIRED. I pity anyone watching that old horseshit. Damn that dancing dog! Damn him to hell.
Let's get the outfits out of the way: Holly rocking a lovely curtain (bet that's not from Very). Jessie's come as a hateful Minnie Mouse. William's come as one of those square office toys with all the pins in that you used to put your palm into in the 80s.
Bowling is the Jessie J's 'secret little thing to do'. That and lesbianism. I notice they're in some private alley: why don't they go to the Trocadero like everyone else? UV times!
Jessie J knows nothing of professionalism. If your mic isn't working, just carry on singing like you normally do. God, she's so arrogant and annoying. I'm glad they've got the sound working now. Sounds much better. *panface*
It's a live show! Live show! Live show. Yeah, well done for not miming, give yourself a Werthers Original.
Max is up first. I don't remember him so that doesn't bode well. At least we don't have to look at Tyler's serial killer face this week. They're setting this Max up as the new Olly Murs, aren't they? Lol, he's doing doing a little rap and he seemed a bit out of breath. It was only about two sentences. I can rap the whole first verse of Without Me by Eminem without skipping a beat. I think his voice is OK but I don't like the direction they're pushing him in. I don't even know what this song is. He's a cute little thing but he's just boring.
I'm surprised Jessie J isn't saying 'on NATIONAL television'. She sounds like a Jeremy Kyle guest. I've seen less severe Croydon facelifts on that show. And more eloquent guests.
William: 'blinds or no blinds?' Is that a new TV programme? He talks complete hogwash, but at least it's fun. What is Tom Jones bringing to the party except endless anecdotes about dead people?
Cassius, it's over. Or is it? Who knows. Who's that on the piano? Is it Louis Theroux? Turning tables sounds like my friends' proposed invention of floating cocaine tables (not one I've seen in Dragon's Den, but maybe one day). This song should be called Turgid Turkeys instead. Make it stop. The best bit was when he went went 'woo' at the end, and that was only because it was stupid. Is Cassius a midget? Holly looks like Amazonian next to him. It looks like she's about to start breastfeeding him.
Tom Jones is being so insightful tonight. How much are they paying him for this blarney? Did Danny just ask Cassius if he was 'diddy'? I think that's apparent. Even Willy can't think of anything clever to say.
Bo! Select her. How can you sing 'Love the way you lie?' It's all a rap! I tried doing that on karaoke recently and it was hard, I was out of breath. I hope she's going to do the line about 'watch her leave out the window, guess that's why they call it window pane'. That's the best line ever. What's this other bit she's doing? It's rather nice. But where's the volcano meeting the tornado, hey? Where's the Nintendo game line? She looks cool. Must be nice to be described as 'marketable'. Oh, and she's got a bad back, too. Has he been rubbing in some Deep Heat for her? Even she looked embarrassed. She doesn't need the bad back vote, Danny, she's better than that.
'A whole bunch of times more better than Rhianna' say Will. That's almost English. 'Bo, woah'. Oh no, now Jessie has nicked my Bo selecta joke. Motherfuck. Come on Bo, do those Princess Diana eyes to camera. You gotta win this. You've got proper talent compared to the others. There's no Tommy Reilly here now. And definitely no... whoever the other ones were.
I want to like this Vince guy. But he bugs me a little. Maybe it's the make up. Maybe it's the fact he looks a bit like Brian Harvey. And my friend Phoxx. Oh God, he's doing Olly Murs lite, too. WE'VE ALREADY GOT OLLY MURS. That's one Olly Murs too many already. Got it?
LOL, he just did a Jessie J style 'huh!' He's learning from the best. Look at his vest. He looks a prat. Jessie: 'Vince has worked so hard on his look.' Really? Looks like he had about 2.50 in his pocket and just spent 30 seconds browsing H&M's sale rail.
OH MY GOD DID DANNY JUST SAY 'YOU COULD SING THE PHONE BOOK AND BE AMAZING'? I thought I'd left this bullshit behind with Simon Cowell. This is unacceptable. I wonder what would happen if you sung the phone book? You'd have to start with AAAAAardvark taxis, wouldn't you? Someone should try this on YouTube.
Alex: the lost Moon brother. One extra Chris Fountain. We must stop him now. He's talking about his 'target audience'. What a tosser. He sounds like an Apprentice contestant.
If only we could bottle Danny's enthusiasm. Then we could all enjoy this rubbish, plodding non-starter of a song. The braces. The hands in the pockets. The star presence. Even I could sing this load of shit. Take his 'target audience' into a field and shoot them, starting with the youngest.
Danny 'he's only 17 years old.' Is this excuses week? Has he stubbed his toe and all? Jessie is right: it was safe. And not in a good Jason Statham way, with a gun. But then would a big band version of Jet been better? Would it? He's only 17. Isn't Justin Beiber 17? And just look at his amazing tal- oh.
Alex wanted to 'give us a break from strong powerful singers'. If I want a break I'll go watch ITV.
Danny O Sing the Phonebook does remind me of Peter Andre in that his positivity is so transparently fake. You know he's going to go home and cry into his cornflakes.
Oh God, Becky's doing Seven Nation Army. White Stripes or Marcus Collins? Crimped hair! How very 1996. I've got a photo of me with crimped hair and blue eye shadow wearing a nightie. I considered that suitable attire for nightclubbing at 16. I think she's got a decent voice she just needs some better direction. She did a bit of a Harry Hill style ending there. Oh, I miss you, Harry.
What rude thing did Becky say in the heat of the moment? I didn't hear it. Jessie J is issuing cockney counselling. Is Tom's hearing aid working? Oh dear, it's all going to pot, isn't it? Get Reggie out from the back to sort it out, Rastamouse must have a bifta on the go to short shit out. Becky's having a crack up. I blame Holly for giving her a tell off.
David's got a sob story instead of an ailment. He's my second favourite after Bo Bruce so I hope he doesn't fuck it up this week. Is he stalking someone via TV? That's a bit creepy. Fucking hell, it's another dreary song. He does have a good voice, though. She WILL be loved, whether she likes it or not. *Restraining order* He can't hit that 'will' note, and they've got backing vocals to cover it. That Temper Trap song was way better. Will is right to criticise that song choice.
Jessie J is giving it 'nononononononononono'. Are they having an artificial fight? I think Will won that round by just singing Vanilla Ice as a response to Danny's stream of BS. I think I actually LIKE Will.i.am now. Why is this happening?!!
Fuck off baldy and fuck off Elton John. Song choice! Holly calling her beautiful is patronising. It's not like she'd swap.
The lost moon brother is getting dug out by Rastamouse for having his hands in his pockets. He's got one hand in his pocket, and the other one is flicking the bomb vest switch ala Sgt. Brody in Homeland. He did a proper screwface after that.
Cant Bo Bruce do the go karting cos of her bad back? Try saying 'Bo Bruce bad back' when you've had a drink, it aint easy, kiddo. I just tried it and failed spectacularly.
Moon brother looks like he's come out in his pyjamas. Hold on, what's this sunflower bullshit? Van Gogh didn't sanction this. I'm laughing my arse off, is this the intention? I guessed Bo was going to be Mona Lisa. What is this fucking song? It's fucking rubbish. Bo is outsinging the lot of 'em. My boyfriend just said 'I can't hear a guitar so why can I see one?' Why indeed. Someone should have been drowned in formaldehyde during that.
Is that it? It didn't drag at all tonight, so I must have enjoyed it, despite my carping. Bo FTW! Come on, only you can ensure she gets enough Radian B to keep her upright into next week. I would vote but I watched it an hour late and I'm posting this late so this is all futile. FUTILE!