The Voice: The Final

Well here we are and already I'm hearing the fucking word 'jubilee'. Is there no escape? What has the Voice got to do with the Queen? Cunting bunting! In other news, Holly's come as a dominatrix.
Danny's coming on strong with the sob story already. She doesn't need it. I'm SURE Bo will win it. How could she not?
Uh oh, Bo's on first. Never a good sign as you get forgotten.
Nothing Compares 2 U seems a bit of an obvious choice but I think it was her best performance yet. Her voice sounded the best I'd ever heard it and it make me do a little weep. Even the sight of Danny's ridiculous gurning face couldn't spoil it. Will only had faint praise for her; tactics.
Leanne has a really strong voice but I do think she lacks the personality to be a popstar. There's also a problem with her song choice; ie. her mentor. He just makes her too old fashioned all the time and does the most obvious choices.
Amy Winehouse's corpse is being wheeled out again; honestly this Tyler dude is getting more mileage out of that tragedy than Mitch, and that's saying something..
What is this awful song Tyler Dur-done is singing? I think he's overdoing the falsetto. Nothing about him appeals to me on any level.
Why are the judges all standing up? It's making me feel nervous like they're getting ready to leave.
Vince: 'in the line up of contestants I felt like a little zoo animal.' You look like a contrived little twonk. Oh, he's come out wearing Rita Sullivan's jacket. And PVC leggings. Then Jessie J says he styles himself like a proud mother. He looks like he hasn't got dressed out of a 10p box at a jumble sale and he's off to a go to a gay disco. Man chooses horrible clothes. Give him a lollipop.
Jessie J's 'we saved the best for last.' How can you lie like that? That song barely even had a tune. And he was going 'huh!' in it. I'd never heard it in my life but it sounded like something out of the fucking Lion King. I think it's kamikaze-like to sing a song no one's heard in the final. Oh well, I think Bo is going to get about 50% of the votes by the looks of things.
Duets time should be amusing. Not sure about this Professor Green song! OMG Danny rapping just made me piss myself with laughter. Was that like a dream he had that he thought was a good idea? There are very few white men that can rap. And then there's Danny. I'm not sure if that will help or hinder Bo because I could barely hear her over the sound of my own cackling.
Tom Jones is a bit vain doing his own song; mind you, he's probably too old to learn the lyrics to new things now. I fucking despise all of his music without exception. It's times like this I want to fast forward through time. A completely irrelevant performance; just like Tom himself.
It will be interested to see Will sing as he admitted that he can't. He is doing some flying, though, just as good. So far he's sung 'oh oh oh oh'. This song is fucking horrible. It's making me want to puke, and he sounds out of tune. Will's final 'contribution' to that was going 'brap, brap, brap.' This is a serious car crash. That is the exact song they've got playing in hell.
My boyfriend just described Vince and Jessie J as Pat Butcher and Kat Slater. Danny was a lot more shrewd than Jessie taking Bo busking, rather than her just showing off about playing Wembley.
I think Jessie J has some sort of tourettes when she sings. Huh! Karma! Fuck off. Is this one of her rubbish songs? I hate the way she sings SO MUCH. I just despise everything about her, she's just 100% fake. She's got no heart or soul, she's just a stage school android, a walking cliché. Pinky swear. Nononononononononononono: again, hilarity times.
This Ed Sheeran song is like the musical version of that final tablet they give you in Dignitas just before you do a death rattle. Indie by numbers sung by a schoolboy. 'I can wrap my finger round your thumb?' I'd rather wrap them around your neck, you po-faced little cunt.
RECAP RECAP RECAP!
I'm quite shocked that Vince went out first. I thought he'd be one of the favourites. Still, at least it's one in the eye for Jessie. That's where singing a song no one knows gets you.
Couldn't they have done a new song at the end? Come on FFS, is this an entertainment show or what? Also I thought Coldplay was Bo's worst week. Lazy work by the producers, there. They should of got her to sing her own song Raising Arizona to prove she's not just a karaoke puppet like these others. 
DO NOT let Leanne win. She's got a good voice but they've pigeon-holed her into a corner.
Ah, our last chance to look into Tyler's cold, dead eyes. Another horrid song from him.
William stop standing on his chair like an insolent toddler. Someone should press the revolving button and give him a shock. Now go sit on the naughty step until you've learnt how to behave like a big boy. Did Tyler really sing a Chris Brown song? Fucking disgusting. And on the BBC, too. I'm going to write to Jeremy Vine.
Ah, Adam Levine. I've not had a chance to laugh at him for a good fortnight. I do have a bit of a soft spot for him now, because he's such an unbridled douchebag you can't help admire him for it. Adam's gonna have beef with William for slagging off the winner of The Voice from last year. That was Adam's fucking act! Lols. Moves Like Jagger is always good for a laugh.
Look at that giant fucking Union Jack! Morrissey virtually got exiled for picking one up off a floor.
I'm trying to think of two people I'd rather see less on stage than Jessie J and Tom Jones. I can only think of Robbie Williams and Chris Brown.
This judges medley is bare jokes. William's trying to sing again, bless. P-p-p-p-p-p-price tag! This has literally been like a comedy tonight.
And the result is...
Leanne won! Are you fucking KIDDING me? WTF. That was the worst person possible; what's she going to release, a cover of Unchained Melody? Well at least it means Bo can do her own music with her own label. Danny should sort it out for her. This also means that TOM JONES won. Hang your heads in fucking shame, Britain. 
Why, why, why, why, why? Could it have been because she went first? Or do I just live in a country full of deaf mainstream sheeple? I'm sure the lizards are involved, either way. Fuck this country and the Queen, and the Olympics too. Illuminati, the lot of them. Enjoy your jubilee and your flotilla and your cucumber sandwiches, you sods. THE END!

The Voice: Dope on a rope

Evening all! I'm a bit under the cosh tonight as I'm writing this blog and then dashing off to a Eurovision party, which I'll be blogging as ever. Because what you want after three hours of Eurovision is to relive it all, right?
But anyway, on with The Voice. So tonight we decide who to evict (sorry, save). Holly's new catchphrase is clearly 'it's not easy'. Well, it can't be, having Cheryl coming up - singing live.
Ruth! I so don't care. Does anyone? I think we might find out tonight that they don't, despite all the praise heaped on her. Stop blowing smoke up her arse, Danny. Dead dad. Sob story vote! Boo. Underhand tactics.
LOL to Will.i.am having his Olympic torch with him. I bet Jessie J is seething, he's not even from the UK and he was asked. Why, I have no idea. But he was asked and she wasn't, that's the point. Actually, I saw Wills on Alan Carr last night and he was quite good. I am warming to old Will, yes I am.
Jessie saying Vince was cheesy last week. Funny, she didn't mention it in her comments after he sang. I wonder why? Oh and now she's lost her voice. What a SHAME. How will we cope without her words of wisdom?
Ooh, Vince is whipping it right from under Tyler's nose by singing Back to Black. This is the only Amy Winehouse song I like - but it's a bloody good one. That video is ace. He's not singing it very well, though.
Song choice is very important! Tell that to Gary 'it's not a song choosing competition' Barlow on ITV. The comments are so useless and unhelpful they might as well not bother. Not EVERYONE can make it to the final.
Will: dope. Check. Twitter. Check.
Jessie: 'I'm always honest.' No. Also, stop going on about 'artists', it makes me cringe. You have to prove yourself to be an artist; talent show contestants are not artists; well, except Bo Bruce *biased!*
Max is doing a mournful version of Every Breath You Take. Bye, Max. Max is so bland even his mother sometimes forgets what he looks like.
Will: 'I don't want to say anything that influences anything'. I think you're in the wrong job on here, then. At least he's saying something vaguely critical. LOL, you were flat. Bad luck, Max. That was un-dope. I just noticed Max's beard. Dear Lord.
Jessie J: 'Artists, artists, artists.' Fuck off.
Peter Andre (sorry, Danny) thought it was brill. I wonder if that's cos Max is his act? 'You're like a young Sting.' Gordon, then.
Jaz is doing Let it Be. I can play that on the keyboard. That and Oh When the Saints. That's the full extent of my repertoire. I think Jessie J is becoming more monotone than Jordan. She's so repetitive, too. 'Riffs and trills?' Oh, please stick it. Jaz bores be stiff. He should be on American Idol, doing songs from 40 years ago.
Will just said 'you can't climax at a climax' and no one even laughed.
Leanne is lovely, but like Jaz, she's on the wrong show. It's just too old fashioned for my taste. Her voice is good, though.

Becky is good, I hope she doesn't have a meltdown tonight. I don't like this song she's singing much, it's quite dreary and she sounds a bit off. Jessie J looked shocked when he said he didn't know the song; I don't either, plus it was shit.
Haha, I was going to write Jessie J just made it through a comment without using the word 'artist' but then she said it. She's more predictable than Louis Walsh, and that's saying something.
Danny: 'every time Bo opens her mouth angels fly out.' That must be quite inconvenient when you're trying to order a McDonalds.
Oh don't do a sob story for Bo, she doesn't need it. She doesn't need to beg for 'acceptance' from the masses. She's doing Charlie Brown by Coldplay. What the hell is that? She should have done The Hardest Part, that's the best Coldplay song ever. Did she miss her intro? Maybe she should have done a better known Coldplay song. She seems a bit lacklustre this week. Oh, no, I really don't want her to go. If she does, I'm resting the blame solely on Chris Martin. That song wasn't quite right for her voice. Eek.
Jessie doesn't want to heap too much praise on Bo, in case her obvious favourite Vince goes out. Danny is right: Bo is the most individual ARTIST in the show. I hope what Will says comes true and she does make it. She deserves to.
Tyler's doing Bohemian Rhapsody. Oh, he's not dredging up poor Amy again is he? As if she doesn't have enough to deal with in that grave with Mitch constantly stoking at the soil.
Nice suit! Looks like the one Alan Carr was wearing last night. Oh God, this is going to be really bad. I hope he does the really fast bit. At least its BoRap in 30 seconds. The worst is when someone picks this shit on karaoke. Ha, he is doing this bit. This is camper than anything we'll see on Eurovision tonight. Never has 'spare me from this monstrosity' seemed more apt.
Oh, that's it. Just Cheryl to go.But I can't comment as I'm running out the door! I'll comment at the start of Eurovision. What a cliffhanger.
Please save Bo...
OK I haven't got time to read this through cos my cab is here, so if there are typos, please forgive me. I know not what I done. See you in a few hours after Eurovision. God knows what state I'll be in by then.

The Voice: the sore loser edition

Oh so they've changed their clothes to give the illusion that it's a different night. That's nice of them to bother. Well, Holly's got half changed at least. Oh they're letting Reggie out of the backroom again. Apparently in an interview when he was trying to be a rapper he dismissed tv talents shows as a load of old horseshit. It's hard to pay those bills on the mean streets, though, isn't it? Dope!
Just a FYI Jessie: zig zag partings are not back in fashion. And never will be. What next, bringing back the bindi? Gwen Stefani has a lot to answer for.
Vince/ Brian Harvey is first through. God knows how, he's so unlikeable it feels like he should be hanging round with Peaches Geldof.
Why does Jessie always talk as if she's delivering some terminal cancer results? She's got that Cheryl Cole way of speaking, as if she's announcing the arrival of the four horsemen of the Apocalypse.
I barely know who Paloma Faith is, and only from the pages in Heat where they slag off what you're wearing. She's in it most weeks.This show has been all filler and no killer so far.
BO is through! Well, obviously. She has more star quality in her eyelashes than the entire judges' panel, let alone the contestants. She has a presence on the screen that none of the others have. If she doesn't win it, I'd be very, very surprised.
Deano/ Chris Fountain/ Moon brother isn't handling himself very well in the green room. Looks like he's about to do a little lip wobble if his doesn't get his own way. Should have had something more useful in those pockets; like some charisma.
I hope Becky gets through out of Jessie's team as she's the most interesting. Cassius: dull. Toni: not a chance. Yep, Jessie did the right thing, there.
A jazzy version of Roxanne: that's just the ticket. Fast forward. Both these two can fuck right off in my opinion. Overrated bullshit and over-indulgent twaddle.
Deano is doing some proper sad facing. I don't think it's going to get him through, though. Because he's not much cop. Acting like a spoilt brat on TV is never a good idea. Just ask Nikki Grahame. Is he going to start crying? It's quite unprofessional. Take it like a man, kiddywinks. This is hilarious. I wouldn't want to be the one offering emotional first aid to him tonight. Looks like he might go put his fist through a window. Or maybe chuck one of his teddybears on the floor and stamp on it. He's only 17! He's acting like he's fucking seven. Mind you, it's probably past his bedtime. Night!

The Voice: Tonight every think counts

Bo Bruce tonight, thank God. I do think The Voice is getting a hard time in the press. It's good fun! Mind you, I loved Fame Academy. Who can forget the lovely Lemar and Ainslie? They were lush. Besides, Britain's Got Talent is TIRED. I pity anyone watching that old horseshit. Damn that dancing dog! Damn him to hell.
Let's get the outfits out of the way: Holly rocking a lovely curtain (bet that's not from Very). Jessie's come as a hateful Minnie Mouse. William's come as one of those square office toys with all the pins in that you used to put your palm into in the 80s.
Bowling is the Jessie J's 'secret little thing to do'. That and lesbianism. I notice they're in some private alley: why don't they go to the Trocadero like everyone else? UV times!
Jessie J knows nothing of professionalism. If your mic isn't working, just carry on singing like you normally do. God, she's so arrogant and annoying. I'm glad they've got the sound working now. Sounds much better. *panface*
It's a live show! Live show! Live show. Yeah, well done for not miming, give yourself a Werthers Original.
Max is up first. I don't remember him so that doesn't bode well. At least we don't have to look at Tyler's serial killer face this week. They're setting this Max up as the new Olly Murs, aren't they? Lol, he's doing doing a little rap and he seemed a bit out of breath. It was only about two sentences. I can rap the whole first verse of Without Me by Eminem without skipping a beat. I think his voice is OK but I don't like the direction they're pushing him in. I don't even know what this song is. He's a cute little thing but he's just boring.
I'm surprised Jessie J isn't saying 'on NATIONAL television'. She sounds like a Jeremy Kyle guest. I've seen less severe Croydon facelifts on that show. And more eloquent guests.
William: 'blinds or no blinds?' Is that a new TV programme? He talks complete hogwash, but at least it's fun. What is Tom Jones bringing to the party except endless anecdotes about dead people?
Cassius, it's over. Or is it? Who knows. Who's that on the piano? Is it Louis Theroux? Turning tables sounds like my friends' proposed invention of floating cocaine tables (not one I've seen in Dragon's Den, but maybe one day). This song should be called Turgid Turkeys instead. Make it stop. The best bit was when he went went 'woo' at the end, and that was only because it was stupid. Is Cassius a midget? Holly looks like Amazonian next to him. It looks like she's about to start breastfeeding him.
Tom Jones is being so insightful tonight. How much are they paying him for this blarney? Did Danny just ask Cassius if he was 'diddy'? I think that's apparent. Even Willy can't think of anything clever to say.
Bo! Select her. How can you sing 'Love the way you lie?' It's all a rap! I tried doing that on karaoke recently and it was hard, I was out of breath. I hope she's going to do the line about 'watch her leave out the window, guess that's why they call it window pane'. That's the best line ever. What's this other bit she's doing? It's rather nice. But where's the volcano meeting the tornado, hey? Where's the Nintendo game line? She looks cool. Must be nice to be described as 'marketable'. Oh, and she's got a bad back, too. Has he been rubbing in some Deep Heat for her? Even she looked embarrassed. She doesn't need the bad back vote, Danny, she's better than that.
'A whole bunch of times more better than Rhianna' say Will. That's almost English. 'Bo, woah'. Oh no, now Jessie has nicked my Bo selecta joke. Motherfuck. Come on Bo, do those Princess Diana eyes to camera. You gotta win this. You've got proper talent compared to the others. There's no Tommy Reilly here now. And definitely no... whoever the other ones were.
I want to like this Vince guy. But he bugs me a little. Maybe it's the make up. Maybe it's the fact he looks a bit like Brian Harvey. And my friend Phoxx. Oh God, he's doing Olly Murs lite, too. WE'VE ALREADY GOT OLLY MURS. That's one Olly Murs too many already. Got it?
LOL, he just did a Jessie J style 'huh!' He's learning from the best. Look at his vest. He looks a prat. Jessie: 'Vince has worked so hard on his look.' Really? Looks like he had about 2.50 in his pocket and just spent 30 seconds browsing H&M's sale rail.
OH MY GOD DID DANNY JUST SAY 'YOU COULD SING THE PHONE BOOK AND BE AMAZING'? I thought I'd left this bullshit behind with Simon Cowell. This is unacceptable. I wonder what would happen if you sung the phone book? You'd have to start with AAAAAardvark taxis, wouldn't you? Someone should try this on YouTube.
Alex: the lost Moon brother. One extra Chris Fountain. We must stop him now. He's talking about his 'target audience'. What a tosser. He sounds like an Apprentice contestant.
If only we could bottle Danny's enthusiasm. Then we could all enjoy this rubbish, plodding non-starter of a song. The braces. The hands in the pockets. The star presence. Even I could sing this load of shit. Take his 'target audience' into a field and shoot them, starting with the youngest.
Danny 'he's only 17 years old.' Is this excuses week?  Has he stubbed his toe and all? Jessie is right: it was safe. And not in a good Jason Statham way, with a gun. But then would a big band version of Jet been better? Would it? He's only 17. Isn't Justin Beiber 17? And just look at his amazing tal- oh.
Alex wanted to 'give us a break from strong powerful singers'. If I want a break I'll go watch ITV. 
Danny O Sing the Phonebook does remind me of Peter Andre in that his positivity is so transparently fake. You know he's going to go home and cry into his cornflakes.
Oh God, Becky's doing Seven Nation Army. White Stripes or Marcus Collins? Crimped hair! How very 1996. I've got a photo of me with crimped hair and blue eye shadow wearing a nightie. I considered that suitable attire for nightclubbing at 16. I think she's got a decent voice she just needs some better direction. She did a bit of a Harry Hill style ending there. Oh, I miss you, Harry.
What rude thing did Becky say in the heat of the moment? I didn't hear it. Jessie J is issuing cockney counselling. Is Tom's hearing aid working? Oh dear, it's all going to pot, isn't it? Get Reggie out from the back to sort it out, Rastamouse must have a bifta on the go to short shit out. Becky's having a crack up. I blame Holly for giving her a tell off.
David's got a sob story instead of an ailment. He's my second favourite after Bo Bruce so I hope he doesn't fuck it up this week. Is he stalking someone via TV? That's a bit creepy. Fucking hell, it's another dreary song. He does have a good voice, though. She WILL be loved, whether she likes it or not. *Restraining order* He can't hit that 'will' note, and they've got backing vocals to cover it. That Temper Trap song was way better. Will is right to criticise that song choice.
Jessie J is giving it 'nononononononononono'. Are they having an artificial fight? I think Will won that round by just singing Vanilla Ice as a response to Danny's stream of BS. I think I actually LIKE Will.i.am now. Why is this happening?!!
Fuck off baldy and fuck off Elton John. Song choice! Holly calling her beautiful is patronising. It's not like she'd swap. 
The lost moon brother is getting dug out by Rastamouse for having his hands in his pockets. He's got one hand in his pocket, and the other one is flicking the bomb vest switch ala Sgt. Brody in Homeland. He did a proper screwface after that.
Cant Bo Bruce do the go karting cos of her bad back? Try saying 'Bo Bruce bad back' when you've had a drink, it aint easy, kiddo. I just tried it and failed spectacularly.
Moon brother looks like he's come out in his pyjamas. Hold on, what's this sunflower bullshit? Van Gogh didn't sanction this. I'm laughing my arse off, is this the intention? I guessed Bo was going to be Mona Lisa. What is this fucking song? It's fucking rubbish. Bo is outsinging the lot of 'em. My boyfriend just said 'I can't hear a guitar so why can I see one?' Why indeed. Someone should have been drowned in formaldehyde during that.
Is that it? It didn't drag at all tonight, so I must have enjoyed it, despite my carping. Bo FTW! Come on, only you can ensure she gets enough Radian B to keep her upright into next week. I would vote but I watched it an hour late and I'm posting this late so this is all futile. FUTILE! 

The Voice: Sonic thumbprint

On the US voice, all the women get kicked out every week, so I hope that's not going to be the same tonight.
Not sure about Jessi (huh) J's geisha look/ Croydon facelift. Oh her fringe, will she, won't she? The nation is on tenterhooks every week. The 'integrity' of Tom Jones? Think someone's got their scripts mixed up. Perhaps they meant 'interminableness'
Toni, the baldy, is up first. She's doing Tina Turner. Brilliant. Very modern. God, this is horrific. Her voice is horrible. It sounds like a chipmunk's been caught in the spin cycle.
I'm not interested in Max. He's one of those with a hat instead of a personality. Fuck this Freefalling song, too. That was deathly dull.
Jessie J is being particularly pathetic tonight. How is all this rubbish English pop music getting big in America? Must be illuminati-related. Why else would a nation embrace Olly Murs and his cod reggae? Something's afoot.
Ruth-Ann, congratulations, it's hard to make a Cheryl Cole song sound even worse but you managed it. Drab, drab, drab. Should have done Parachutes. I've got high hopes for Bo Bruce tonight.
None of these others are striking me as real stars tonight. Cry me a river?
Vince seems to be doing a reggae version of You were always on my mind. Uh huh.Yeah. You can tell he's been to Jessie J's masterclass of dragging every note out to be about 50 syllables. I just find it irritating and showoffy. I do like him, though.
Tom Jones wittering on about Elvis. Check.
Oh fucking hell, the next one up, Alex is doing 'dream a little dream'. What is this? Did I just hear the word 'swing'? Fuck dat. I had to fast forward before I smashed up the TV like Eileen's boyfriend's wife with dementia in Corrie. The good thing is, this dude is on Bo's team so hopefully he'll be leaving before her.
Danny just said the word 'cool' in the same sentence as Jamie Cullum. I think he said cool, maybe he said cunt.
Will.i.am's Michael Buble joke went down a treat, didn't it? It's the way you tell 'em. I think you should leave the humour to... er... oh, there's no one funny on this show. Holly? Don't diss Michael Buble. I like Michael Buble, not his music, obviously, but his cheeky little face.
Cassius. I think he's probably the best yet but that's not saying much. Song choices have been quite duff tonight. It feels like all the songs have been a bit plodding. I wonder what Bo will sing?
All this 'artist' bullshit pisses me off, too. They're not 'artists' - they're contestants on a talent show. I would dispute that Jessie J is even an 'artist'; she's just a manufactured android, just cheeky enough to be considered 'controversial' (although still hiding in that closet, hey?) and just thick enough that you can be guarantee that everything that comes out of her mouth is tripe.
Temper Trap? Beats Tina fucking Turner. Ooh, its raining on him. I think he's quite good and I like this song but something about him reminds me of Matt Cardle. I do like his voice, though. He was the best so far.
William is being a bit weird tonight. He's definitely on something but whether it's space dust or his own ego, who knows? He talks utter shit, but at least he's entertaining with it.    
Ha, someone's doing Good luck by Bassment Jaxx. I used to love that song. Ah, memories. This could be good. I quite like her but this song sounds really dated now! LOL that means I'm going out of date. Plus they're doing a slightly jazzy version of it. I thought she was going to get tangled in in that mic wire. Something about her felt like she was play-acting. Tom Jones told her she was like a modern Janis Joplin. Blank look.
Ooh, Bo's on last. That's good. She's doing Running up that Hill by Placebo (oh, I mean Kate Bush). But Kate bush doesn't say 'If I only could make a deal with GAWD' in the great way Brian does in that song. Therefore, he wins.
Bo and Danny are shedding a few years. That's always good for a vote or two.
I find her quite mesmerising to watch. She looks like a little elf in the woods. I like her outfit, too, she looks really cool. I just like everything about her, even the way she always looks awkward with the other contestants backstage. She just looks like a star already, she doesn't have to try. She was better than anyone else on that stage. And that's why they put her on last.