The Voice: Sonic thumbprint

On the US voice, all the women get kicked out every week, so I hope that's not going to be the same tonight.
Not sure about Jessi (huh) J's geisha look/ Croydon facelift. Oh her fringe, will she, won't she? The nation is on tenterhooks every week. The 'integrity' of Tom Jones? Think someone's got their scripts mixed up. Perhaps they meant 'interminableness'
Toni, the baldy, is up first. She's doing Tina Turner. Brilliant. Very modern. God, this is horrific. Her voice is horrible. It sounds like a chipmunk's been caught in the spin cycle.
I'm not interested in Max. He's one of those with a hat instead of a personality. Fuck this Freefalling song, too. That was deathly dull.
Jessie J is being particularly pathetic tonight. How is all this rubbish English pop music getting big in America? Must be illuminati-related. Why else would a nation embrace Olly Murs and his cod reggae? Something's afoot.
Ruth-Ann, congratulations, it's hard to make a Cheryl Cole song sound even worse but you managed it. Drab, drab, drab. Should have done Parachutes. I've got high hopes for Bo Bruce tonight.
None of these others are striking me as real stars tonight. Cry me a river?
Vince seems to be doing a reggae version of You were always on my mind. Uh huh.Yeah. You can tell he's been to Jessie J's masterclass of dragging every note out to be about 50 syllables. I just find it irritating and showoffy. I do like him, though.
Tom Jones wittering on about Elvis. Check.
Oh fucking hell, the next one up, Alex is doing 'dream a little dream'. What is this? Did I just hear the word 'swing'? Fuck dat. I had to fast forward before I smashed up the TV like Eileen's boyfriend's wife with dementia in Corrie. The good thing is, this dude is on Bo's team so hopefully he'll be leaving before her.
Danny just said the word 'cool' in the same sentence as Jamie Cullum. I think he said cool, maybe he said cunt.
Will.i.am's Michael Buble joke went down a treat, didn't it? It's the way you tell 'em. I think you should leave the humour to... er... oh, there's no one funny on this show. Holly? Don't diss Michael Buble. I like Michael Buble, not his music, obviously, but his cheeky little face.
Cassius. I think he's probably the best yet but that's not saying much. Song choices have been quite duff tonight. It feels like all the songs have been a bit plodding. I wonder what Bo will sing?
All this 'artist' bullshit pisses me off, too. They're not 'artists' - they're contestants on a talent show. I would dispute that Jessie J is even an 'artist'; she's just a manufactured android, just cheeky enough to be considered 'controversial' (although still hiding in that closet, hey?) and just thick enough that you can be guarantee that everything that comes out of her mouth is tripe.
Temper Trap? Beats Tina fucking Turner. Ooh, its raining on him. I think he's quite good and I like this song but something about him reminds me of Matt Cardle. I do like his voice, though. He was the best so far.
William is being a bit weird tonight. He's definitely on something but whether it's space dust or his own ego, who knows? He talks utter shit, but at least he's entertaining with it.    
Ha, someone's doing Good luck by Bassment Jaxx. I used to love that song. Ah, memories. This could be good. I quite like her but this song sounds really dated now! LOL that means I'm going out of date. Plus they're doing a slightly jazzy version of it. I thought she was going to get tangled in in that mic wire. Something about her felt like she was play-acting. Tom Jones told her she was like a modern Janis Joplin. Blank look.
Ooh, Bo's on last. That's good. She's doing Running up that Hill by Placebo (oh, I mean Kate Bush). But Kate bush doesn't say 'If I only could make a deal with GAWD' in the great way Brian does in that song. Therefore, he wins.
Bo and Danny are shedding a few years. That's always good for a vote or two.
I find her quite mesmerising to watch. She looks like a little elf in the woods. I like her outfit, too, she looks really cool. I just like everything about her, even the way she always looks awkward with the other contestants backstage. She just looks like a star already, she doesn't have to try. She was better than anyone else on that stage. And that's why they put her on last.

The Voice UK (huh!) - Live shows

I've been enjoying The Voice US so much that I just don't think our version can live up to it now. I've seen singers with a million times more talent than that Scotty McCreepy, who won last year's dead duck American Idol, sent home with a flea in their ear. The standard of talent and the song choices have been great, so I really hope our series takes a lead from that. Added love was provided last week in the extra form of of a radioactive Christina Aguilera giving Justin Bieber a screwface. Although they did chuck out all of my favourite people last week, but that's to be expected. And Jessie J appeared going 'huh'! Do we really have to inflict her on the US? I say only if they get to keep her.
Oh OK, it's live shows now. I'm trying to think of something more horrible that the judges tunelessly belting out 'It's a Beautiful Day' by U2. Shoulda done 'Lemon'. Does Willy even sing? I just thought he wore neon and jumped about spouting nonsense. Like me at a rave, in my younger days.
Wot, no Bo Bruce this week. Booo. Oh God, they've got this annoying bit backstage where they try and force you to tweet. I wondered what Reggie Yates was for. Window dressing, apparently. Back room boy.
Looks like they get more song choice than they do on X Factor, or that's what they're trying to convince us. I take that back - this first choice is pure American Idol. ZZZZ. Not interested in Joelle, I'm afraid. Too dated. The fact Jessie J looked so elated when Joelle did that stupid high bit at the end says it all. She really does have a bucket of bullshit instead of a brain.
OOh, someone's doing Erasure. Love this song. Not sure if he's got the hang of the low OR high notes. He sounds out of breath, bless him. Even insincerity android Jessie J looks grim-faced. Sam Buttery coming to a pier near you in 2013.
William has got his next stooge singing 'aint nobody'. What decade was that released in? Are we really that hard up for tunes? All this posturing with the male dancers is stupid and looks completely dated. I don't even think her voice sounds good any more. She's got no chance. LOL to Frances going 'Will.i.am can even sing' as if that's about the 46734 thing on words to describe 'things Will does', probably just below 'Fergie'. 
Uh oh, Foo Fighters karaoke coming up. Doesn't really require much singing. Mark Owen pretending to be Dave Grohl. This is a new low. Is he playing that guitar or is it just a massive necklace? That was truly head-in-hands horrendous. Then he goes 'it's great to come on Saturday night TV and play a rock song' like he's just discovered America. It's the fucking Foo Fighters, dickhead, not Anal Cunt.
Looked like Will.I.am was texting on his phone there when Holly cut to him.
Jaz Ellington is on the wrong show. He should be on American Idol, where they'll approximately catch up with the UK music scene in about 20 years time.
Leanne has got a really strong voice, but Pink didn't suit her, I'm afraid. Song choice fail.
This plain girl singing a song I don't know about metal sounds a bit shaky. She doesn't sound gutsy enough, it's like she's just come in from school and is dancing round her living room.
Jessie J: 'range, technicality, falsetto'. You boring fucking stage school brat. Do you know about music that comes out and grabs you from the guts? Do you know anything?
The girl out of this couple has been given rather a severe fringe. I like a severe fringe. My fringe has lost it's way at the moment and is waiting to regenerate. This band is gash. They would be irrelevant even on the hippy-dippy-dipshit stage at Glastonbury.
Did Tyler mention he was Amy Winehouse's best friend? Did he? I thought I might have heard him mention it once or twice. I don't like his voice, or his face, or anything about him. I'd rather have a go on Blake.
Is Tom Jones choosing all these duff 80s songs? Seriously, the US Voice had me genuinely excited last week. This is turdid. And she's flat. God, I was really flagging towards the end of that, apologies.
Ooh, they let Reggie out of the dungeon for 3 seconds. I couldn't give a fig who goes home out of that lot. But hopefully next week will be better. Huh! Now I'm gonna watch Pointless Celebrities and Chronicle. Then I'm gonna pass out.

The Voice: Giving it both battles

Was out last night so missed the battle rounds- catching up on it now though. Ah they've let Holly and Reggie out of the dungeon. That must be nice for them. I don't mind Reggie that much now, I think Fearne Cotton was dragging him down previously. Don't get me wrong, he's still dull as dishwater.
Just when you thought things couldn't get anymore Welsh, Tom Jones has drafted in Cerys Matthews to help him. What's she going to advise, go on a rubbish reality show and get off with a dead-in-the-water soap star? Road raaaaaaaaaaage!
I'm every woman - spare us, Wills. Even Whitney's had enough of this one. I think the black girl is better by an inch but they were both good. Will someone tell Jessie to stop bobbing her head and singing along. It's like when the guitarist sings when he's not supposed to. Cringeworthy. These two second boys sound really similar. I think the one without the hat who looks like dannii minogue's ex has the edge but they're both pretty good. They're putting on a good performance, too. oh they sent my one home. Boo.
I'm finding it hard to judge who's better in this Tom Jones/Elvis shout off because I don't like Tom Jones, Elvis or shouting. Same goes for the next song that the bald girl sang. It just sounds like a fucking racket. Uh oh they've pitched Bo against Morgan Spurlock. She's gotta win!!! He's so overdone. She's beautiful. Do the right thing, Danny. Bo is something special. I'm actually nervous! Yes! He chose Bo. I'm so happy. She has real talent - I just love her.
So we're giving Chris Brown the BBC seal of approval by forcing the acts (against their will) to sing one of his blood-spattered dance numbers. I'm guessing the guy who threw his toys out of the pram will be going home. I see Jessie J is singing along her support of domestic violence. I better not ever see that bitch calling herself a feminist. Fucking thicko.
I though the two who did Rhianna would be better than they were. I think it's a bit style over substance there.
Sorry I got some dinner at that point so lost it a bit but heard 'soul on a pole'. I don't get the fuss about those two but it could be because I cant stand Heard it through the Grapevine. I'd rather listen to the sound of my own throat being cut and listening to the blood dribble out and my last raspy choking breaths.
OK, onto tonight's show. This turgid version of Beat It has got Jessie J's tasteless fingers all over it. Couldn't care less who won that one. This Lady Gaga song is too shrill.
Oh fucking hell, it's like 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife. This one with the glasses is singing with a faux American accent. I'm surprised Jessie J isn't the mentor. My boyfriend just walked in and said, 'What's this, a noteless off?' It does sound flat, but I can't work out which one is flat. Oh, the other one has a much nicer voice. She deserved to go through.
This Emmy girl is being a bit cocky... she'll probably go home. Stop intimidating Chris Fountain/Deano from Eastenders. Boyfriend: 'what is this, Cunt Academy?' I think he's been working on that one in the kitchen.
Chris Fountain looks like a rabbit in the headlights. It looks like someone's just dragged him in off the street. He's giving up on notes halfway through, not 'giving each note it's due respect' as some idiot said earlier. Bo Bruce is going to eat everyone in this category alive. That girl pulled a screwface when Jessie J said about the kiss and looked smug when Danny said she was further down the line. She looked proper sour when she got sent home. Serves her right. Having said that I can't believe they did put Alex through, he was fucking useless.
Peewee Herman is now doing 'I want to dance with somebody.' Why? Nobody knows. This is U-Glee. They seemed to only sing for about 10 seconds. Did they have to edit the acts down to make room for all Jessie J's posturing and wiffle-waffle.
My boyfriend just said of the male half of this appalling couple, 'Is that Justin Lee Collins fused with Wagbo?' I think he should write this blog for me. Especially today, as I've spent at least 5% of the day puking my guts up. Wagbo and co plus other old woman was rubbish. Next!
OMG I hate this Kids song soooooo much! It's completely tuneless. Robbie Williams and Kylie combined: smug central. I hope she goes through. It seems like this show has been chopped to bits tonight. They're not editing it very well at all.
My boyfriend on Jessie J: 'The only have one woman on the panel so why did they pick the most uninteresting one on the planet? Stop wiggling your shoulders and fuck off and die.' She seems to rub him up the wrong way, a little. I can't imagine why.
Indie and Pixie were giving the other girl the stink-eye when she was singing really well. I thought they were a bit off last time so they'd better be careful. Becky is much, much better than them. I like her voice. The others are off and they look cross. I liked Becky's screwed up face when Jessie was making her decision.
Yay, so glad she won over the Heathers.
The guy is better than the girl singing this Kings of Leon song. He's got a funny neck, though.
Oh, lawks this next two are going to do Firework. Even Katy Perry can't sing this fucker. They both sound off. This song is really hard to sing. I tried it on karaoke. Has anyone on earth ever sang this song on key? It's like aural torture. I bet Russell Brand is glad he doesn't have to pretend to like it anymore.
I don't think anyone should take on Kelly Jones's raspy old voice. It's the only thing the little Welsh prick has got going for him. I'm all Voiced out now. I watched two episodes of The Voice US today, too. Christina and her acrylic hair and the lovely Cee Lo makes me pine for better judges. Even the buffoonery of Adam Levine is more fun than William's nonsense speak.
Battle, battle, battle! Bo Bruce FTW. You know it makes sense.

The Voice UK: Push the button. Don't push the button.

The amazing Bo Bruce is going to be on The Voice tonight so I'm very excited. I have followed her since she was on Orange Unsigned (and would have won had it not been for Tommy, who was also excellent). I even interviewed some of the acts on it for my blogs, but my interview technique was terrible and I don't think she got back to me, but she bigs up my blog and chats to me on Twitter once in blue moon. I never knew she was a Lady until I saw it in the Mail today. Well fuck your inverse snobbery. She's fucking ace. If she doesn't win it I'd be amazed.
First girl on was good. I think I might be starting to fancy The Script a bit. Wasn't Willy wearing that jacket last week? Maybe he's still got it on loan from the fancy dress shop.
I'm at my mums and they just told me they got their dog drunk on whiskey the other week and are now giving the other dog some of my cava out of an ashtray. Is this a matter for the RSPCA? More shockingly my mum and her boyfriend told me they LIKE Will*I*am. What is there to like? Is it his sparkling personality, his pointless boasting, or his overuse of full stops?
I don't think that second guy was much good. They let better people than that go last week. This third girl wasn't much good either. Has someone just died? They all look like they're grieving.
This next girl looks like Chantelle Houghton after a couple too many biccies (ie. a normal sized person). She's got the best voice so far and she's cute.
Tom Jones: 'I'm a married man' - that doesn't normally stop you, you randy old pervert.
'No sob stories in The Voice' said Jessie J. Maybe a dead brother doesn't count? I like the name Cassius but it might just be because of that song.
My mum said The Script is like an 'ugly looking version of Peter Andre.' That's quite insulting. You can see where I get it from.
The bickering between the judges is not as good as it is on the American version. I miss Adam Levine's begging, Christina's cleavage and Cee lo stroking his cat. I forget what the other one does except shamelessly plug his wife every week.
Now I can't stop thinking about Peter Andre. Scrap that thing I said about fancying Danny.
This girl from Wales is cute and she had a really good voice. She reminds me off one I like off America's Next Top Model. No one likes this little fat bloke and they can't even see him. Jessie J's twaddle of the week: 'your lips aren't hugely clean.' You talk fucking bullshit.
They are obviously leaving Bo until last as she's the best (I am biased). I wonder who'll she'll pick?
The guy who did Plan B was good.
I liked the girl who said her mum thought she was overweight, it was quite cute. Willy is playing the mum card. And it worked. Sly old dog. I wonder how old William is, he seems kind of ageless and alien like he could be 30 or 1000.
Random mum comment: 'I don't like dresses at all. I think they're horrible things. I've never worn a dress.' I'm sitting here wearing a dress. And I've seen her in a wedding dress, at the very least.
I thought the girl who did Adele was good enough to go through. She just shouldn't have sung that Adele song as it just draws comparisons. Aw, she was sweet.
Justin Lee Collins (psoriasis™) appears to be auditioning next. Ooh he's doing Bon Jovi. Very current. My mum fancies him. His voice was good. No one turned. Rock off.
Amy Winehouse's friend looks like he's been modelling his hair on hers. Sitting on the dock of the bay is like a Olly Murs crab-pinched-my-feet type song. I wish no one had picked him. My mum is particularly unhappy about all the brown trousers people are wearing. She's quite the fashion critic tonight.
Tom Jones, I think you've dropped something. Oh yeah, there it is, another name of some dead or irrelevant person.
Bo was really good. I love listening to her voice so much. Jessie J has got a cheek saying anything about Bo's vocal power, whose voice is about 10 million times better than hers. She's got more passion in her little finger than that stage-school brat. It just proves how thick JJ is by not turning round. I want Bo to win because I really want to buy her album! Plus she might let me write her autobiography, you never know. Bo, give me a call, you've got a phone, don't you? ;)