A confession: I was going to give Eurovision a swerve this year but everyone seems to be watching it, and my Eurovision blog is kind of a tradition, so here we are. I'm watching 30 minutes late which I hope will give me sufficient room for forwarding dull montages (check), choirs (check) and any dancing whilst they count the votes. But why do I have a feeling I should have started an hour and a half in?
The presenter is rocking a bubblegum pink dress with long sleeves and disgusting pink shoes. I have a Swedish friend; I'm pretty sure this isn't how Swedish people dress. Oh she's doing funnies. Ish.
First up, France. She's like Courtney Love, pre-nose job. I kind of admire the fact she hasn't bothered doing her hair. She even screamed a bit.
Lithuania: Has Eurovision gone rock this year? This is power pop. 'Because of my shoes...' WTF sort of lyric is that? This guy can't sing, bless him. He's also got a bit of a scary stare on him. What about his shoes?
Moldova: We've already got Lady Gaga. Move along. She's growing! She's a GIANT. Flames. It's like the Hunger Games. If you need those sort of theatrics, your song ain't good enough.
Finland: Sam Fox begging for a proposal. At least she's got a sense of humour. This is what Eurovision is about; tongue in cheek nonsense. 'Uh oh, uh oh a ding dong. I'll change my last name, do the walk of shame.' These lyrics are dynamite. Is it about gay marriage? I think that kiss was just gratuitous.
Spain: BAGPIPES. This woman is so orange she makes Michelle Keegan look pasty. This is also power pop. But duff.
Belgium: Eyebrows aloft. Is that combover hairdo not done yet? He looks like he's MIMING. WTF?! Love kills, over and over. Ooh, I think he's got wub wubs. Unfair advantage! My boyfriend is staring at the wall as *points at TV* 'there's nothing over there.' PARTY!
Estonia: A pregnant Disney princess. Dry ice. This girl knows how to sway.
Belarus: Coming out of a disco ball: is Brian Freidman choreographing this? Rylan style! This song blows.
Malta: Helpfully has the lyrics behind him so you can sing along at home. This guy is super smiley. How can you smile and sing at the same time? This is almost folky. Like Mumford and Sons on the Capri Sun.
Russia: Ballad. She's catching her breath after every line, which I sometimes like but not on this occasion; she sounds asthmatic.
Germany: I've heard of Cascada, they're an actual dance band. My boyfriend just made his first comment of the night at her singing the lyrics 'the world is ours' he piped up, 'she shouldn't say that in her shoes.' She's singing about being young, but I'm not convinced she is. I can't see her getting on an 18-30 holiday anyway. I like this 'oh oh oh' bit, it's like a Killers song.
Armenia: Did Bewitched really bring back double denim? Asian guy. Wind machine. Awful.
The Netherlands: I think this Anouk is a real singer. My boyfriend's second comment of the night: 'she's got some cheek, hasn't she?' Mean. This is fucking dreary.
Romania: Who let Dracula in? He's got some falsetto on him. I rather like him.
UK: Why can't we have an act under 70? Why are we the only county represented by geriatrics year after year? She looks like the lost Nolan sister and sounds like a frog. I hadn't heard this yet. I wish I still hadn't. Is this the best we got? And we said no to Morrissey? I'M ASHAMED. Has she got a leotard on? She's gonna get fucking trounced.
Just realised I haven't said anything about Graham Norton. He's so/so - I've laughed once or twice.
Sweden: Losing in front of your home crowd. This dude has got more makeup on than Bonnie Tyler. He's wearing clashing shades of cream. 'Youoooooooouooooooooooou' - who does he think he is, Brian Molko? It's quite catchy, I'll give it that. I think this might be my second favorite.
Hungary: I don't like the ones where they don't sing in English. I know. He's indie, too. Nice cartoon, though.
Denmark: Pan pipes! She's quite cute. This song's a bit duff, though. We just caught up and tried to press the red button and it WON'T LET US. GRRRR. We have subtitles, though.
Iceland: Justin Lee Collins is representing. Oh OK, the subtitles are translating. 'I have life,' and something about mountains.' Mountains are always good in songs, mountains, the sky, it being very high and so on.
Azerbaijan: 'If love is a mountain, we've hit our load and are about to explode.' Christ. His mountain tops your mountain, Iceland. It's quite dramatic isn't it? He's got a little copycat hanging out in a box but they're not in time very well. Grab a grand! KEY CHANGE! I like this one. It feels like he means it.
Greece: This is classic rubbish Eurovision, some old dudes doing folk songs. Oh god, it's gone ska. Horrendous. ALCOHOL IS FREE! Whoop.
Ukraine: Vikings. She looks identical to someone who sang earlier. It's like Cheryl Cole's long lost foreign sister. I prefer Gravity by Embrace.
Italy: All the men look the same shade of orange. He's got GREAT STAGE PRESENCE. He's like a fucking statue.
Norway: Kind of dancey and dramatic with strings; 'I feed you my love.' She's got the moooooooooooooves like Jagger. Oh, no she aint. She's got a JLO bum and she has 'the future on her tongue.' What does that involve?
Georgia: a gruesome twosome. Losing faith now.
Ireland: WHERE'S JEDWARD? They wouldn't allow themselves to be painted orange and sing over this trancey old trot. It's like Fatboy from Eastenders in leather trousers.
OK it's done. Petra, when people were asking what you were wearing, they meant it rhetorically, as in 'what IS she wearing?!'.
Oh here's the old dear who won last year. 'We got the power.' SNAP.
WTF is this Swedish 'smorgasboard'? My boyfriend is beginning to get a bit antsy. 'Mamma mia, Ikea.' LOL. They're dressed in the Ikea colours too. 'Meatballs seasoned with a hint of horse'!!! This host has actually been funny in parts.
Someone is singing my favourite Abba song! Is this Sweden's answer to Adele?
WTF why didn't we vote for Finland? UK's votes were whack. Why didn't we vote for Ireland, Graham? NO JEDWARD, that's why.
Graham on Ukraine bloke giving the results: 'It's sideshow Bob.'
They didn't even bother with the last lot of votes, ha. So Denmark won - she was cute but that's about it. Now theyv'e going back to the votes. WTF. That was a mess. I know who's won so I'm turning off.
I will say, that wasn't as painful as recent previous years, but I'm not sure why. Having said that, I thought this finished at 11 and when I saw it was 11.15 and my boyfriend called me a 'lying cunt'! CHARMING! He's only joking though, and has been very patient really. As have you, reading this after all that. Goodnight!
Showing posts with label Sweden. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sweden. Show all posts
Saturday, 18 May 2013
Saturday, 26 May 2012
Eurovision 2012: Medieval C3POs
Ok I've been in a cab and I'm at my friend's house. Cheryl was miming! WTF. Her song sounded like cheesy trance that had been left out in the sun.
Wow those hosts look smooth. I haven't missed any either. Thanks Yellow Cabs of Morden.
OMG we're up first. What an anti climax. Thankfully I haven't heard this song. Yet.
UK: Englebert's sideburns are amazing. I have been handed a scorecard. We're voting on song quality, performance and dance/outfits. OMG he's so creepy. He looks like David Dickinson at a funeral. Those dancers are crap, too. Did will.i.am arrange those pyrotechnics? My score was 5 out of 30. That was generous. Someone else on this sofa gave it 20. Madness.
Hungary: glow bands. Pleather.
Good use of the walkway. Funny little ears. No one seems very impressed.
I feel like such an unsociable twat writing this blog - on my phone - in a roomful of people I've just met. They must think I'm Will.i.am or something. Fuck, that's twice I've mentioned Will.i.am now. Stop mentioning will.i.am. Will.i.am! Fuck, it's like Tourettes.
Albania: she's got a beehive with a ratstail! The ratstail is glued to her chest. Unless you've seen this with your own eyes you cant imagine it. Omg she's creepy, too. She's got Bluetooth on, too. This is truly horrendous. This is the song they've got playing on a loop in hell. Dolphin times.
Lithuania: blindfolded man. What a gimmick. It's a bit literal, isn't it. Wow his dancing is amazing. Sadly love is not deaf as well as blind. Someone just asked me 'who I was blogging for'. Er...
I had to answer 'myself'. The shame!
Bosnia & Herzegovina. Lady Faga. This is barely worth commenting on. Wind machine.
Russia: some old dears. I just noticed the building this show is being hosted in. It's very cool. Wow are these old grannies on the toilet? Wicker shoes. They're nice. If a little prickly. Is that an oven? Sexist. Everyone in this room is really enjoying this. All bar one. I hope they start rapping soon. Oh they just made some biscuits. Bet they've got marijuana on them.
Iceland: my friend thinks this is is the guy from Sigor Ros. I beg to differ. That could be Claire from Steps tho. I'm beginning to lose faith already. It's the first violin we've seen but I bet not the last.
Cyprus: I'm starting to feel quite un-European. Oh ok this is more like it. Camp and a table made out of some books. What books though, I'd like to know. A bit of Dan Brown, I reckon an possibly a copy of 'Where did the towers go?' Trancey and a bit of the washing machine. What more could you want?
France: don't vote for them cos they never vote for us. Gymnasts and a cardboard box. Do we get a half time break? We should.
Italy: who'd have thought Amy Winehouse was Italian? And alive? And shit?
Azerbaijan actually looks quite nice. Like Blackpool.
Estonia: Someone has just pointed out he's got a boner. That is disgraceful. A hard on and a waistcoat. That's just too much. FILTH.
OMG I just stood on my friend's weighing scales. I think they must be malfunctioning. Fucking hell. *cries and eats crisps*
Norway: Josh Hartnett meets Peter Andre does techno. I think this is quite good. Probably my fave yet.
What are all these weird pods they're sitting in? Oh Englebert. Even Blue were better than you.
Azerbaijan: she's got some Angelina lips. Someone is on a magic carpet behind her. The song is super duff tho.
Romania: drums. Futuristic bagpipes. Accordion. I wonder what Tony who isn't on stage plays? This song is gash. Yes, I said gash.
Denmark: I've spotted the disease ridden feather - sorry, singer. Kerry Katona seems to be in the background. I think someone's slipped the drummer some E. I like the fact none of it seems to fit together.
Greece: Shakira. You make me dance like a maniac. You make me want to smoke crack. Well, at least she's enthusiastic. It's a catchy one: we know the words already.
Sweden: Euphoria. It's got to have the washing machine in it then. Claudia Winkleman! This sounds like that old shit Cheryl was knocking out earlier. It's snowing! Or dandruff. Oh Graham's nicked my joke. Fucksticks. I know I should do this on Twitter but I'm too old skool. Who will read this blog? Why am I bothering? What is the meaning of life?
Turkey: Bruno doing a sea shanty. It's like a bad dream but really happening. Hopefully we'll wake up soon. I did set my alarm, didn't I? Half a bottle of Cava later and I no longer care about looking like a social leper. Wow they just created a Lycra pirate ship. WTF. I am still asleep, right?
Spain: it's one of those one serious 'woman standing there' ones. I've just opened a bag of marshmallows. They don't have any fat in them, right? To give Spain its dues, I booked my holiday to Ibiza today. But still, fuck this song.
Germany: this song is written by Jamie Cullum At least we don't have to look at Jamie Cullam. Dude has a beanie on and looks like he's dressed entirely from Gap. He's kind of cute. I don't mind it. It's like pop indie.
Malta: Washing machine. Quiffs. Yellow socks. Flipper feet! I like the enthusiasm.
FYR Macedonia: it's Lisa from Big Brother, that's Lisa of 'I'm dunking my biscuit in this hot sugary tea' rather than Lisa, friend of idiot David who the Irrepressible Dark Horse brought down with a verbal assault to end all verbal assaults. But I digress.
Ireland: Jedward look hot. I know it's wrong to say that as I just said it in a room full of people and was told. They still can't dance in time, bless 'em. Who's that in the background? I think it's Louis Walsh, Paddy Doherty and their mum. I'm slipping below the waterline. The love heart thing was too cute. I heart Jedward. They so should have won Celeb BB. That was sexy in the end when they got all wet. Sent a shiver down my spine, it did *pervert*.
Serbia: how can you follow Jedward with this? Dreary. There's a dude with a dress and some panpipes. This'll probably win it.
Ukraine: I'm in a room predominantly full of gay people who said 'she looks like a tranny'. I couldn't possibly comment. Except to berate them for their transphobia. Via my blog. She's rubbing her crotch. That's a bit weird. Oh, we're past the watershed. It's fine.
Moldova: Colin Farrell in lederhosen. And some women in lampshades who look like the cheeky girls. What a way to end.
The hosts look like they're going to an 80s wedding.
Eurovision actually goes quite fast when you watch it with people who are enjoying it rather than your boyfriend.
The problem with Eurovision is the voting goes on for waaaaaaay too long. Where's the acrobatics you normally get in the middle? I feel jibbed. Oh, here it is, shit. Leandro is singing. Jordan must have given him the night off from looking simultaneously startled and confused at her array of exes and children. Leandro is actually chewing gum and singing. I hope someone writes to Points of View about this atrocity of manners.
If you're interested in my scores it's Jedward, then Cyprus, Norway, Malta and Germany.
The voting begins. Only 42 countries to get through *grits teeth*. The voting always makes me furious.
As usual it's just votes for neighbours except Italy, France, Spain and Ireland all hate each other so we can't win that way. But we love Jedward so who cares?
1 point from Belgium, yeah fanks.
My friend just had a powercut. We're now sitting in the dark but we've managed to get it going on two mobile phones. This is quite surreal.
Ah fuck I think we've missed who we voted for. It better be Jedward. Who gave our votes? Was it Fearne? I demand to know.
Why do Serbia have so many points? They were dire. DIRE. Ireland have 28 at the mo. We have 1 point.
I think watching the Eurovision on three mobile phones in the dark might be the saddest thing that ever happened in the history of humanity.
Jedward were just described as 'medieval C3POs' in this room. That's better than anything I've written tonight.
Firemen have just arrived in my friend's block of flats. I hope this block isn't on fire. I don't want to die watching Eurovision on a mobile phone. Not during the scores, anyway.
That Lordy bloke is super annoying. Even at about 3 inches high.
God, I'll never complain about watching these scores again. Oh, apparently the next door flat set their hob on fire so it's their fault we're sitting in the dark CRYING.
We're second from bottom. And Norway are bottom but I quite liked them! Ireland gave us a measly 4 points. Thanks a lot.
Sweden (aka Claudia Winkleman) won. Oh. We're still in the dark, and possibly on fire. But hey, Jedward gave me the last sexual thrill of my life. Jepic. Goodnight.
Wow those hosts look smooth. I haven't missed any either. Thanks Yellow Cabs of Morden.
OMG we're up first. What an anti climax. Thankfully I haven't heard this song. Yet.
UK: Englebert's sideburns are amazing. I have been handed a scorecard. We're voting on song quality, performance and dance/outfits. OMG he's so creepy. He looks like David Dickinson at a funeral. Those dancers are crap, too. Did will.i.am arrange those pyrotechnics? My score was 5 out of 30. That was generous. Someone else on this sofa gave it 20. Madness.
Hungary: glow bands. Pleather.
Good use of the walkway. Funny little ears. No one seems very impressed.
I feel like such an unsociable twat writing this blog - on my phone - in a roomful of people I've just met. They must think I'm Will.i.am or something. Fuck, that's twice I've mentioned Will.i.am now. Stop mentioning will.i.am. Will.i.am! Fuck, it's like Tourettes.
Albania: she's got a beehive with a ratstail! The ratstail is glued to her chest. Unless you've seen this with your own eyes you cant imagine it. Omg she's creepy, too. She's got Bluetooth on, too. This is truly horrendous. This is the song they've got playing on a loop in hell. Dolphin times.
Lithuania: blindfolded man. What a gimmick. It's a bit literal, isn't it. Wow his dancing is amazing. Sadly love is not deaf as well as blind. Someone just asked me 'who I was blogging for'. Er...
I had to answer 'myself'. The shame!
Bosnia & Herzegovina. Lady Faga. This is barely worth commenting on. Wind machine.
Russia: some old dears. I just noticed the building this show is being hosted in. It's very cool. Wow are these old grannies on the toilet? Wicker shoes. They're nice. If a little prickly. Is that an oven? Sexist. Everyone in this room is really enjoying this. All bar one. I hope they start rapping soon. Oh they just made some biscuits. Bet they've got marijuana on them.
Iceland: my friend thinks this is is the guy from Sigor Ros. I beg to differ. That could be Claire from Steps tho. I'm beginning to lose faith already. It's the first violin we've seen but I bet not the last.
Cyprus: I'm starting to feel quite un-European. Oh ok this is more like it. Camp and a table made out of some books. What books though, I'd like to know. A bit of Dan Brown, I reckon an possibly a copy of 'Where did the towers go?' Trancey and a bit of the washing machine. What more could you want?
France: don't vote for them cos they never vote for us. Gymnasts and a cardboard box. Do we get a half time break? We should.
Italy: who'd have thought Amy Winehouse was Italian? And alive? And shit?
Azerbaijan actually looks quite nice. Like Blackpool.
Estonia: Someone has just pointed out he's got a boner. That is disgraceful. A hard on and a waistcoat. That's just too much. FILTH.
OMG I just stood on my friend's weighing scales. I think they must be malfunctioning. Fucking hell. *cries and eats crisps*
Norway: Josh Hartnett meets Peter Andre does techno. I think this is quite good. Probably my fave yet.
What are all these weird pods they're sitting in? Oh Englebert. Even Blue were better than you.
Azerbaijan: she's got some Angelina lips. Someone is on a magic carpet behind her. The song is super duff tho.
Romania: drums. Futuristic bagpipes. Accordion. I wonder what Tony who isn't on stage plays? This song is gash. Yes, I said gash.
Denmark: I've spotted the disease ridden feather - sorry, singer. Kerry Katona seems to be in the background. I think someone's slipped the drummer some E. I like the fact none of it seems to fit together.
Greece: Shakira. You make me dance like a maniac. You make me want to smoke crack. Well, at least she's enthusiastic. It's a catchy one: we know the words already.
Sweden: Euphoria. It's got to have the washing machine in it then. Claudia Winkleman! This sounds like that old shit Cheryl was knocking out earlier. It's snowing! Or dandruff. Oh Graham's nicked my joke. Fucksticks. I know I should do this on Twitter but I'm too old skool. Who will read this blog? Why am I bothering? What is the meaning of life?
Turkey: Bruno doing a sea shanty. It's like a bad dream but really happening. Hopefully we'll wake up soon. I did set my alarm, didn't I? Half a bottle of Cava later and I no longer care about looking like a social leper. Wow they just created a Lycra pirate ship. WTF. I am still asleep, right?
Spain: it's one of those one serious 'woman standing there' ones. I've just opened a bag of marshmallows. They don't have any fat in them, right? To give Spain its dues, I booked my holiday to Ibiza today. But still, fuck this song.
Germany: this song is written by Jamie Cullum At least we don't have to look at Jamie Cullam. Dude has a beanie on and looks like he's dressed entirely from Gap. He's kind of cute. I don't mind it. It's like pop indie.
Malta: Washing machine. Quiffs. Yellow socks. Flipper feet! I like the enthusiasm.
FYR Macedonia: it's Lisa from Big Brother, that's Lisa of 'I'm dunking my biscuit in this hot sugary tea' rather than Lisa, friend of idiot David who the Irrepressible Dark Horse brought down with a verbal assault to end all verbal assaults. But I digress.
Ireland: Jedward look hot. I know it's wrong to say that as I just said it in a room full of people and was told. They still can't dance in time, bless 'em. Who's that in the background? I think it's Louis Walsh, Paddy Doherty and their mum. I'm slipping below the waterline. The love heart thing was too cute. I heart Jedward. They so should have won Celeb BB. That was sexy in the end when they got all wet. Sent a shiver down my spine, it did *pervert*.
Serbia: how can you follow Jedward with this? Dreary. There's a dude with a dress and some panpipes. This'll probably win it.
Ukraine: I'm in a room predominantly full of gay people who said 'she looks like a tranny'. I couldn't possibly comment. Except to berate them for their transphobia. Via my blog. She's rubbing her crotch. That's a bit weird. Oh, we're past the watershed. It's fine.
Moldova: Colin Farrell in lederhosen. And some women in lampshades who look like the cheeky girls. What a way to end.
The hosts look like they're going to an 80s wedding.
Eurovision actually goes quite fast when you watch it with people who are enjoying it rather than your boyfriend.
The problem with Eurovision is the voting goes on for waaaaaaay too long. Where's the acrobatics you normally get in the middle? I feel jibbed. Oh, here it is, shit. Leandro is singing. Jordan must have given him the night off from looking simultaneously startled and confused at her array of exes and children. Leandro is actually chewing gum and singing. I hope someone writes to Points of View about this atrocity of manners.
If you're interested in my scores it's Jedward, then Cyprus, Norway, Malta and Germany.
The voting begins. Only 42 countries to get through *grits teeth*. The voting always makes me furious.
As usual it's just votes for neighbours except Italy, France, Spain and Ireland all hate each other so we can't win that way. But we love Jedward so who cares?
1 point from Belgium, yeah fanks.
My friend just had a powercut. We're now sitting in the dark but we've managed to get it going on two mobile phones. This is quite surreal.
Ah fuck I think we've missed who we voted for. It better be Jedward. Who gave our votes? Was it Fearne? I demand to know.
Why do Serbia have so many points? They were dire. DIRE. Ireland have 28 at the mo. We have 1 point.
I think watching the Eurovision on three mobile phones in the dark might be the saddest thing that ever happened in the history of humanity.
Jedward were just described as 'medieval C3POs' in this room. That's better than anything I've written tonight.
Firemen have just arrived in my friend's block of flats. I hope this block isn't on fire. I don't want to die watching Eurovision on a mobile phone. Not during the scores, anyway.
That Lordy bloke is super annoying. Even at about 3 inches high.
God, I'll never complain about watching these scores again. Oh, apparently the next door flat set their hob on fire so it's their fault we're sitting in the dark CRYING.
We're second from bottom. And Norway are bottom but I quite liked them! Ireland gave us a measly 4 points. Thanks a lot.
Sweden (aka Claudia Winkleman) won. Oh. We're still in the dark, and possibly on fire. But hey, Jedward gave me the last sexual thrill of my life. Jepic. Goodnight.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)