Eurovision 2013

A confession: I was going to give Eurovision a swerve this year but everyone seems to be watching it, and my Eurovision blog is kind of a tradition, so here we are. I'm watching 30 minutes late which I hope will give me sufficient room for forwarding dull montages (check), choirs (check) and any dancing whilst they count the votes. But why do I have a feeling I should have started an hour and a half in?
The presenter is rocking a bubblegum pink dress with long sleeves and disgusting pink shoes. I have a Swedish friend; I'm pretty sure this isn't how Swedish people dress. Oh she's doing funnies. Ish.
First up, France. She's like Courtney Love, pre-nose job. I kind of admire the fact she hasn't bothered doing her hair. She even screamed a bit.
Lithuania: Has Eurovision gone rock this year? This is power pop. 'Because of my shoes...' WTF sort of lyric is that? This guy can't sing, bless him. He's also got a bit of a scary stare on him. What about his shoes?
Moldova: We've already got Lady Gaga. Move along. She's growing! She's a GIANT. Flames. It's like the Hunger Games. If you need those sort of theatrics, your song ain't good enough.
Finland: Sam Fox begging for a proposal. At least she's got a sense of humour. This is what Eurovision is about; tongue in cheek nonsense. 'Uh oh, uh oh a ding dong. I'll change my last name, do the walk of shame.' These lyrics are dynamite. Is it about gay marriage? I think that kiss was just gratuitous.
Spain: BAGPIPES. This woman is so orange she makes Michelle Keegan look pasty. This is also power pop. But duff.
Belgium: Eyebrows aloft. Is that combover hairdo not done yet? He looks like he's MIMING. WTF?! Love kills, over and over. Ooh, I think he's got wub wubs. Unfair advantage! My boyfriend is staring at the wall as *points at TV* 'there's nothing over there.' PARTY!
Estonia: A pregnant Disney princess. Dry ice. This girl knows how to sway.
Belarus: Coming out of a disco ball: is Brian Freidman choreographing this? Rylan style! This song blows.
Malta: Helpfully has the lyrics behind him so you can sing along at home. This guy is super smiley. How can you smile and sing at the same time? This is almost folky. Like Mumford and Sons on the Capri Sun.
Russia: Ballad. She's catching her breath after every line, which I sometimes like but not on this occasion; she sounds asthmatic.
Germany: I've heard of Cascada, they're an actual dance band. My boyfriend just made his first comment of the night at her singing the lyrics 'the world is ours' he piped up, 'she shouldn't say that in her shoes.' She's singing about being young, but I'm not convinced she is. I can't see her getting on an 18-30 holiday anyway. I like this 'oh oh oh' bit, it's like a Killers song.
Armenia: Did Bewitched really bring back double denim? Asian guy. Wind machine. Awful.
The Netherlands: I think this Anouk is a real singer. My boyfriend's second comment of the night: 'she's got some cheek, hasn't she?' Mean. This is fucking dreary.
Romania: Who let Dracula in? He's got some falsetto on him. I rather like him.
UK: Why can't we have an act under 70? Why are we the only county represented by geriatrics year after year? She looks like the lost Nolan sister and sounds like a frog. I hadn't heard this yet. I wish I still hadn't. Is this the best we got? And we said no to Morrissey? I'M ASHAMED. Has she got a leotard on? She's gonna get fucking trounced.
Just realised I haven't said anything about Graham Norton. He's so/so - I've laughed once or twice.
Sweden: Losing in front of your home crowd. This dude has got more makeup on than Bonnie Tyler. He's wearing clashing shades of cream. 'Youoooooooouooooooooooou' - who does he think he is, Brian Molko? It's quite catchy, I'll give it that. I think this might be my second favorite.
Hungary: I don't like the ones where they don't sing in English. I know. He's indie, too. Nice cartoon, though.
Denmark: Pan pipes! She's quite cute. This song's a bit duff, though. We just caught up and tried to press the red button and it WON'T LET US. GRRRR. We have subtitles, though.
Iceland: Justin Lee Collins is representing. Oh OK, the subtitles are translating. 'I have life,' and something about mountains.' Mountains are always good in songs, mountains, the sky, it being very high and so on.
Azerbaijan: 'If love is a mountain, we've hit our load and are about to explode.' Christ. His mountain tops your mountain, Iceland. It's quite dramatic isn't it? He's got a little copycat hanging out in a box but they're not in time very well. Grab a grand! KEY CHANGE! I like this one. It feels like he means it.
Greece: This is classic rubbish Eurovision, some old dudes doing folk songs. Oh god, it's gone ska. Horrendous. ALCOHOL IS FREE! Whoop.
Ukraine: Vikings. She looks identical to someone who sang earlier. It's like Cheryl Cole's long lost foreign sister. I prefer Gravity by Embrace.
Italy: All the men look the same shade of orange. He's got GREAT STAGE PRESENCE. He's like a fucking statue.
Norway: Kind of dancey and dramatic with strings; 'I feed you my love.' She's got the moooooooooooooves like Jagger. Oh, no she aint. She's got a JLO bum and she has 'the future on her tongue.' What does that involve?
Georgia: a gruesome twosome. Losing faith now.
Ireland: WHERE'S JEDWARD? They wouldn't allow themselves to be painted orange and sing over this trancey old trot. It's like Fatboy from Eastenders in leather trousers.
OK it's done. Petra, when people were asking what you were wearing, they meant it rhetorically, as in 'what IS she wearing?!'.
Oh here's the old dear who won last year. 'We got the power.' SNAP.
WTF is this Swedish 'smorgasboard'? My boyfriend is beginning to get a bit antsy. 'Mamma mia, Ikea.' LOL. They're dressed in the Ikea colours too. 'Meatballs seasoned with a hint of horse'!!! This host has actually been funny in parts.
Someone is singing my favourite Abba song! Is this Sweden's answer to Adele?
WTF why didn't we vote for Finland? UK's votes were whack. Why didn't we vote for Ireland, Graham? NO JEDWARD, that's why.
Graham on Ukraine bloke giving the results: 'It's sideshow Bob.'
They didn't even bother with the last lot of votes, ha. So Denmark won - she was cute but that's about it. Now theyv'e going back to the votes. WTF. That was a mess. I know who's won so I'm turning off.
I will say, that wasn't as painful as recent previous years, but I'm not sure why. Having said that, I thought this finished at 11 and when I saw it was 11.15 and my boyfriend called me a 'lying cunt'! CHARMING! He's only joking though, and has been very patient really. As have you, reading this after all that. Goodnight!

Eurovision 2012: Medieval C3POs

Ok I've been in a cab and I'm at my friend's house. Cheryl was miming! WTF. Her song sounded like cheesy trance that had been left out in the sun.
Wow those hosts look smooth. I haven't missed any either. Thanks Yellow Cabs of Morden.
OMG we're up first. What an anti climax. Thankfully I haven't heard this song. Yet.
UK: Englebert's sideburns are amazing. I have been handed a scorecard. We're voting on song quality, performance and dance/outfits. OMG he's so creepy. He looks like David Dickinson at a funeral. Those dancers are crap, too. Did will.i.am arrange those pyrotechnics? My score was 5 out of 30. That was generous. Someone else on this sofa gave it 20. Madness.
Hungary: glow bands. Pleather.
Good use of the walkway. Funny little ears. No one seems very impressed.
I feel like such an unsociable twat writing this blog - on my phone - in a roomful of people I've just met. They must think I'm Will.i.am or something. Fuck, that's twice I've mentioned Will.i.am now. Stop mentioning will.i.am. Will.i.am! Fuck, it's like Tourettes.
Albania: she's got a beehive with a ratstail! The ratstail is glued to her chest. Unless you've seen this with your own eyes you cant imagine it. Omg she's creepy, too. She's got Bluetooth on, too. This is truly horrendous. This is the song they've got playing on a loop in hell. Dolphin times.
Lithuania: blindfolded man. What a gimmick. It's a bit literal, isn't it. Wow his dancing is amazing. Sadly love is not deaf as well as blind. Someone just asked me 'who I was blogging for'. Er...
I had to answer 'myself'. The shame!
Bosnia & Herzegovina. Lady Faga. This is barely worth commenting on. Wind machine.
Russia: some old dears. I just noticed the building this show is being hosted in. It's very cool. Wow are these old grannies on the toilet? Wicker shoes. They're nice. If a little prickly. Is that an oven? Sexist. Everyone in this room is really enjoying this. All bar one. I hope they start rapping soon. Oh they just made some biscuits. Bet they've got marijuana on them.
Iceland: my friend thinks this is is the guy from Sigor Ros. I beg to differ. That could be Claire from Steps tho. I'm beginning to lose faith already. It's the first violin we've seen but I bet not the last.
Cyprus: I'm starting to feel quite un-European. Oh ok this is more like it. Camp and a table made out of some books. What books though, I'd like to know. A bit of Dan Brown, I reckon an possibly a copy of 'Where did the towers go?' Trancey and a bit of the washing machine. What more could you want?
France: don't vote for them cos they never vote for us. Gymnasts and a cardboard box. Do we get a half time break? We should.
Italy: who'd have thought Amy Winehouse was Italian? And alive? And shit?
Azerbaijan actually looks quite nice. Like Blackpool.
Estonia: Someone has just pointed out he's got a boner. That is disgraceful. A hard on and a waistcoat. That's just too much. FILTH.
OMG I just stood on my friend's weighing scales. I think they must be malfunctioning. Fucking hell. *cries and eats crisps*
Norway: Josh Hartnett meets Peter Andre does techno. I think this is quite good. Probably my fave yet.
What are all these weird pods they're sitting in? Oh Englebert. Even Blue were better than you.
Azerbaijan: she's got some Angelina lips. Someone is on a magic carpet behind her. The song is super duff tho.
Romania: drums. Futuristic bagpipes. Accordion. I wonder what Tony who isn't on stage plays? This song is gash. Yes, I said gash.
Denmark: I've spotted the disease ridden feather - sorry, singer. Kerry Katona seems to be in the background. I think someone's slipped the drummer some E. I like the fact none of it seems to fit together.
Greece: Shakira. You make me dance like a maniac. You make me want to smoke crack. Well, at least she's enthusiastic. It's a catchy one: we know the words already.
Sweden: Euphoria. It's got to have the washing machine in it then. Claudia Winkleman! This sounds like that old shit Cheryl was knocking out earlier. It's snowing! Or dandruff. Oh Graham's nicked my joke. Fucksticks. I know I should do this on Twitter but I'm too old skool. Who will read this blog? Why am I bothering? What is the meaning of life?
Turkey: Bruno doing a sea shanty. It's like a bad dream but really happening. Hopefully we'll wake up soon. I did set my alarm, didn't I? Half a bottle of Cava later and I no longer care about looking like a social leper. Wow they just created a Lycra pirate ship. WTF. I am still asleep, right?
Spain: it's one of those one serious 'woman standing there' ones. I've just opened a bag of marshmallows. They don't have any fat in them, right? To give Spain its dues, I booked my holiday to Ibiza today. But still, fuck this song.
Germany: this song is written by Jamie Cullum At least we don't have to look at Jamie Cullam. Dude has a beanie on and looks like he's dressed entirely from Gap. He's kind of cute. I don't mind it. It's like pop indie.
Malta: Washing machine. Quiffs. Yellow socks. Flipper feet! I like the enthusiasm.
FYR Macedonia: it's Lisa from Big Brother, that's Lisa of 'I'm dunking my biscuit in this hot sugary tea' rather than Lisa, friend of idiot David who the Irrepressible Dark Horse brought down with a verbal assault to end all verbal assaults. But I digress.
Ireland: Jedward look hot. I know it's wrong to say that as I just said it in a room full of people and was told. They still can't dance in time, bless 'em. Who's that in the background? I think it's Louis Walsh, Paddy Doherty and their mum. I'm slipping below the waterline. The love heart thing was too cute. I heart Jedward. They so should have won Celeb BB. That was sexy in the end when they got all wet. Sent a shiver down my spine, it did *pervert*.
Serbia: how can you follow Jedward with this? Dreary. There's a dude with a dress and some panpipes. This'll probably win it.
Ukraine: I'm in a room predominantly full of gay people who said 'she looks like a tranny'. I couldn't possibly comment. Except to berate them for their transphobia. Via my blog. She's rubbing her crotch. That's a bit weird. Oh, we're past the watershed. It's fine.
Moldova: Colin Farrell in lederhosen. And some women in lampshades who look like the cheeky girls. What a way to end.
The hosts look like they're going to an 80s wedding.
Eurovision actually goes quite fast when you watch it with people who are enjoying it rather than your boyfriend.
The problem with Eurovision is the voting goes on for waaaaaaay too long. Where's the acrobatics you normally get in the middle? I feel jibbed. Oh, here it is, shit. Leandro is singing. Jordan must have given him the night off from looking simultaneously startled and confused at her array of exes and children. Leandro is actually chewing gum and singing. I hope someone writes to Points of View about this atrocity of manners.
If you're interested in my scores it's Jedward, then Cyprus, Norway, Malta and Germany.
The voting begins. Only 42 countries to get through *grits teeth*. The voting always makes me furious.
As usual it's just votes for neighbours except Italy, France, Spain and Ireland all hate each other so we can't win that way. But we love Jedward so who cares?
1 point from Belgium, yeah fanks.
My friend just had a powercut. We're now sitting in the dark but we've managed to get it going on two mobile phones. This is quite surreal.
Ah fuck I think we've missed who we voted for. It better be Jedward. Who gave our votes? Was it Fearne? I demand to know.
Why do Serbia have so many points? They were dire. DIRE. Ireland have 28 at the mo. We have 1 point.
I think watching the Eurovision on three mobile phones in the dark might be the saddest thing that ever happened in the history of humanity.
Jedward were just described as 'medieval C3POs' in this room. That's better than anything I've written tonight.
Firemen have just arrived in my friend's block of flats. I hope this block isn't on fire. I don't want to die watching Eurovision on a mobile phone. Not during the scores, anyway.
That Lordy bloke is super annoying. Even at about 3 inches high.
God, I'll never complain about watching these scores again. Oh, apparently the next door flat set their hob on fire so it's their fault we're sitting in the dark CRYING.
We're second from bottom. And Norway are bottom but I quite liked them! Ireland gave us a measly 4 points. Thanks a lot.
Sweden (aka Claudia Winkleman) won. Oh. We're still in the dark, and possibly on fire. But hey, Jedward gave me the last sexual thrill of my life. Jepic. Goodnight.

Eurovision Song Contest 2011

Why do we do it to ourselves? I don't have the answer. It's just a habit at this point, I think.
I started watching this an hour late (so I can forwards through the slow bits) and already my boyfriend is seething. One year we watched it in a Yarmouth hotel after we went to see Morrissey. That was the night we turned into dust, but that's another story.
Who are these jokers hosting? Simon Pegg is obviously one on them. Not sure what was going on at the start there- and not sure I want to know. No Dana International? Folly. I didn't watch the semi-finals because if I had I wouldn't have made it this far.
Why can people start voting before we've heard a single song?! I don't believe the re-jig of the rules will save Blue. I want Jedward to win, anyway.
FINLAND: Jeff Brazier with a guitar singing a folk song about saving the planet. Boyfriend: 'he looks as bored as I am.' It's JUST STARTED. I've heard a lot worse.
BOSNIA & HERZEGOVINA: I might have spelt that wrong, the writing is too small to see from here. Fuck, how to describe this? They're all done up like Rupert the Bear. Luckily boyfriend has gone toilet. Exceptionally tuneless.
DENMARK: Rocking the Jedward hair. Graham Norton says this one is good. I'll be the judge of that. I think the leather trousers are a bit excessive. They're more McFly than These lyrics are a bit Placeboish. But shit. That catwalk off the stage is cool. I bet Jedward will be making the most of that. Boyfriend just perked up.
Boyfriend: 'I used to like Blue but they're all animals now.' He's upset about the weeing on the cashpoint drama. Oh and Lee Ryan's general conduct. But how could anyone have 'used to like Blue'?
LITHUANIA: Dated, dated, dated. Fairy off a Christmas tree doing sign language. Dire.
HUNGARY: Light up jewellery? That sounds alright. Oh yes, blingy ring. She looks like an old drag queen. The tune is quite catchy but she's a bit out of tune.
IRELAND: Jedward! Thisis like all Louis Walsh's wet dreams come true (apologies for that image). Have you ever read an interview with Jedward? They're not all there, are they? I think they're autistic or something. Nice outfits! The brothers grime- lol. The song is quite good. I still love them. They've given me many giggles over the past year or two. Plus Jedward sound more in tune than Blue did when I saw them on OKTV. Just went to the kitchen and was singing Jedward's song. Catchy times!
SWEDEN: Some stellar opening lyrics there. He looks like a Manga kid and there's some blokes writhing in boxes. He will be popular, apparently. We'll see. It is quite catchy. Ooh he smashed some glass. Cool.
ESTONIA: Manic dolly woman in cardboard city. Boyfriend has named them 'the crab-eyed peas.'
GREECE: (C)rap. Sex, guns, fucking in the street. What a mess. Rap opera? There's a reason why that's not an actual genre. G(6)4. (That's a joke but you have to think about it).
RUSSIA: Flue! Nice hair. Their dancing is more out of time than Jedward. Don't put my mind in a dirty zone, you pervert. This is rubbish.
To be fair, though, this has been the best Eurovision I've seen in a few years. There's been less dirgy ones.
FRANCE: He has hair like a a 90s boyband member. My boyfriend just piped up 'Christian Fail.' I like his little soldier jacket. I could see him in a Bon Jovi video. This makes me want some ice-cream.
ITALY: A jazzy pastiche? Those aren't two words I want to hear together. Peter Barlow off the wagon on a piano. Italy, if this is what you come back with after 40 years, you need to fuck off for 50.
SWITZERLAND: dated old bint in sparkly dress singing cod reggae. If that's Graham Norton's idea of gorgeous it's no wonder he's gay.
UNITED KINGDOM: Blue, blue, blue, blue as they chant on Deal or No Deal. I've literally never been more excited to see Blue. Mugshots! Drops of pain hit the ground. Quite. My boyfriend was proper ROLFing at Lee Ryan's bits. It sounded like someone was letting the air out of him. I laughed ten times harder at Blue than Jedward. That can't be right. G-g-g-g-get back up again. I can't wait to see them get trounced (there's national pride for you).
MOLDOVA: Gnomes on a unicycle. Who could ask for more? A tune. Unavailable, apparently. Ugh it's like gnome ska. Horrendous. I liked the bit where he put a monocle in at the end. Nice touch.
GERMANY: Feral Cole. Oh no, it's more like Foss Stone. Pretty vacant.
ROMANIA: Sleazy. This is more like old skool rubbish Eurovision. Cheesy bloke on piano. Bad hair. Tartan. Saxaphones.
AUSTRIA: What's Graham saying about her hair, I like it. The song is gash, though.
AZERBAIJAN: Old style eurovision schlock. Male/female, white suits, wind machine.
I think Graham has been better this year too. He was on the wrong side of scathing previously, whereas he's been more cheeky and funny this year.
SLOVENIA: Power ballad! Thigh high boots. Over-the-top warbling. the standard is definitely dropping as the show goes on.
ICELAND: Is Jeff Brazier back again? Waistcoats. Fat people. Superhans is on the piano. Make it end.
SPAIN: too perky by far.
Please let Jedward beat Blue. Please let Jedward beat blue. Please let Jedward beat blue. I want to see Lee Ryan smash something. Hopefully Duncan.
UKRAINE: You may be wondering why my boyfriend has stopped moaning. It's because he's been off cooking dinner. Ooh, I like the sand art. And her little wings. Very Brandon Flowers. I like her outfit. All these gimmicks are detracting from a shitty song.
SERBIA: 60s tripe. She looks like a cross between Jade Goody and Duffy. Ok I'm getting fed up now. It took a while, though.
GEORGIA: An emo Jennifer Love Hewitt. That dress is vile.
That's it. So Jedward should get a few votes from the UK, right?
12 points to the UK from Bulgaria! Nice one. My national pride just came rushing back.
Aw Jedward aint doing do good. We're a respectable fifth so far. I haven't seen us do this well in years.
OK I just had my dinner and no one has given us any points for about 20 minutes. I'm glad the UK voted for Jedward. Jedward are in third! They've got almost double the Uk's points.
Some of these people reading the points are quite 'quirky'. that woman going 'what do you think?' and this Slovenia tool singing. Just give us the scores and fuck off.
Jesus, we're only halfway through the scores. Mental. I can't believe Azerbaijan are doing so well. They were fucking useless.
Ireland only gave us 6. Arseholes. Glad Jedward beat Blue. Can't wait to see Blue justifying that in interviews.
So Azerbaijan won. That was the worst song of the night. AND BT vision cut off my recording before the last vote. THANKS. Lucky the UK didn't win, hey. I would have missed the celebrations!
Back to bisexual, wife-shouting-at, I'm-a-Celebrity, wee-drenched-cash-points for Blue. And for Jedward? World domination! The night starts here.

Live blog: Eurovision 2010

I'm going to do a very haphazard and possibly ending abruptly blog tonight. It's my 30th birthday tomorrow so tonight I must leave the house. But first I must drink. And complain about Eurovision. Last year it was so dire I could barely speak of it. I watched it in a hotel room in Yarmouth. Terry was much missed.
I remember this Norway song from last year (unfortunately).
Anyway, I'm going to keep this as brief as is humanly possible. We are going to have bets on who to win.
Azerbaijan. We just opened some champagne. Gloves. My best mate (BM) has just placed her bet on it. She's crazy. You can't throw away your vote so soon. OMG she's cheating, Graham said it was the bookies favourite! Drip drop. I still don't believe this will win. My boyfriend (BF) just compared it to Life is a Pigsty by our beloved Moz.
Spain. Something Tiny. Sung by Leo Sayer.
This voting system is flawed! You get to ring up for them straight away; no wonder the fucking first one is the bookies favourite.
Norway obviously don't want to win it two years in a row. Credit crunch. HE CAN'T SING. This is unbearable.
Moldova. Now we're talking. Ravers. Saxaphones. BF has picked it. We've got two picks each. I'm being left behind.
Cyprus. it's like the OC gone wrong. Make me immortal with a kiss.
Bosnia & Herzegovina. Derren Brown singing. Strings. Thunder & Lightning. This is my pick. God help me.
Belgium. Me and my guitar. Feelings this, feelings that. Grow up.
Serbia. He looks like an air hostess. He doesn't look how he sounds, it's all wrong.
Belarus. The song is called Butterflies. Don't get your hopes up. It's like Westlife rolled into one and dumped in a river. Wow, they just sprouted wings. Fly away, Peter. Fly away, Paul.
Ireland. What turgid pan-pipes bullshit will they foist on us this time. It's Florence's mum.
Greece. This is like Arabian nights. They lyrics are really deep.
United Kingdom. That sounds good to me. Even Moz would balk at that title. If this was a true indication of the UK music scene I'd volunteer to have my ears removed. DO NOT CALL FOR THE UK. I'll have a job without the number.
Georgia. God, the lyrics tonight have been really dire. I don't know where Georgia is, and I don't want to. Red dress, growling.
Turkey. BM has claimed this one. It's like Linkin Park gone right.
Albania. I've picked this one. It's another Euro dance hit. It's all about you. But not by McFly.
Iceland. It's the woman from Ireland singing again. I am actually getting furious now. I've had enough.
Ukraine. Like nails down a blackboard. More bullshit about feelings.
France. Bum wiggling. Ole ole ole. I'm about ready to stab someone right now. BF has picked France.
Romania. Piano, piano, piano. I kinda like this, though. They have allowed me to change my vote; I'm picking this now.
Russia. He's singing to a photo of a woman. It's very moving.
Armenia. Apricot stone... I will drop it in the ground. Oh God.
Germany. Something borrowed, something blue. She's like a drunk aunt dancing at a wedding.
Portugal. I want to go out now.
Israel. I feel like we've seen this one before. 'Tears of blood are burning in my throat'. Delightful.
Denmark. Every Breath You Take. Re-imagined.
Why do Spain get to sing twice? This is unfair.
And now for the voting. I'm putting my make-up on. Turkey are 2nd! This means my BM could win £15. Boo. Come on Germany. Ha, they won.
And the point of all that was... nothing. That's the end of my 20s. I'm going out. Thank you, goodnight. :)