LORD SOME SUGAR ON ME! S Club Sugar. Allowed back on telly now the election BS is over. Shouting at children! He's the new Supernanny. Supernappy!
'I am ruthless in business' says a 12 year old. What business? Bullying? Stealing pocket money? The rent-a-quote bit at the start is just as laboured from a virgin's mouth, but more creepy.
What do they win? An internship at Amstrad? A Nintendo Wii? Probably a tangerine and a pair of socks, knowing our Alan.
They should do this show with a Young Alan Sugar (tm) played by Danny Dyer (he didn't write that column, alright?! ALRIGHT????) I see they've got a younger Margaret. Oh no, it's that hard faced football woman.
Don't start your spiel with talk of 'humping potatoes', Alan! They are only wee bairns.
Is he going to bring up the babies if the kids all start banging each other in the house? It's fairly unlikely though, they're all ugly as sin. And Arjun's chat up line was 'I love maths.' bless him.
There's some Peaches Geldof type with an undercut who clearly had her stall funded by daddy. Nice red lipstick, though.
Team names! INSTINCT. Revolution (said in Russell Brand style). Jordan looks like a spotty Andy Murray. I hope he's good at tennis.
Apparently 'no one wants to do a deal with an ugly person'. Who's going to tell Alan? Aw, he's not ugly, he's just well worn, like an old carpet.
Task: selling cheese! How long did it take them to think of that? Who's producing this shit, Alex James? What's their 'treat' gonna be, a year's supply of Low Low?
Adam is a Darren Miller wide-boy type.
The new Margaret (Karren) can't even spell her own name, so I don't hold out much hope for her as a mentor. Oh they're not mentors, just 'aides'. Just nosy old goats, more like. She needs to practice her eyebrow raising.
'Quick! We need to sell this cheese' the boys suddenly realise at about 5pm. Meanwhile Daddy's Girl Zoe has an abunance of confidence and sells like a motherfucker. She's a cocky cunt though and so not a team player. She's got to be an only child. I wonder what her pony is called?
Cheese glorious cheese! Man up and sell the cheese. Here's a tip: Don't tell your customer 'we just need to get rid of it'! VIVA LA REVOLUTION.
DON'T FUCK WITH ZOE. She will rip your fucking head off.
Andy Murray started talking all posh when he went in the boardroom. His little nemisis was trying to dig him out (I'll call him Henman).
The boardroom; makes blue eyes extra blue, especially when Alan makes them cry. He's lording it up!
The girls (well, Zoe) won. Deep fried pig's ear; what sort of treat is that?! It makes my diet look sophisticated.
Rhys is going home, I guarantee it. He's snivelled his way through this first episode. He looks like a choir boy playing dress-up in his dad's shirt. Send him to the naughty step!
'Wind is my least favourite weather type' said the sheep farmer Tim (and the only one who looks like he's even hit puberty). Alan doesn't want to know about the elements! He wants profit!
I like Adam! He's a cheeky little wide boy. Him FTW.
The boardroom bit drags on longer than the dire action movie 2012. You could cut it in half and I'd still be pissy about it.
Alan didn't do the pointing when he said 'you're fired'! I'd feel cheated without that, it's like going on Deal or No Deal and it being Love Week and you don't get the red boxes, but a pink box and made to dress up like Cupid. WRONG.
This was EXACTLY like watching the normal Apprentice except you couldn't fancy any of them. Better than I expected. Next up: Junior Babestation.