The Apprentice: Print knobs

I normally hate it when people tinker with the format of shows, but boy does The Apprentice need a shake up. It's like a recurring dream you can't wake up from. I so badly want Alan Sugar's head to start spinning around or for Nick just start machine gunning them all like in Robocop. Why can't they kill one from the losing team each week? Or at least maim them?
I'm not even going to comment on the stupid stuff they are scripted to say at the start, except to say 'I'm blonde so people underestimate me' is truly pathetic and embarrassing to women as a statement. If people are underestimating you because of a hair colour, that aint your only problem. It's self-hatred.
Obviously the best bit is where they pick the team names. We've come up with the Wildcats and the Renegades. Let's see what shit they sick up.
I think Alan's been on the whiskey: 'if I wanted a friend I'd get a dog', 'I want you to be the Marks to my Spencer' and 'we're not playing Where's Wally'. Has he ever actually watched his own show before? It's less 'Where's Wally' than 'Kill every single last one of them.'
Did someone actually just say 'I'm like Marmite, you'll either love me or you'll hate me.' Just shoot that bitch now, do the planet a favour. JUST SAYING!
There wasn't enough arguing about the team names in my opinion. Is the girls' team name Sterling or Stirling? No matter. No one was keen to be team leader, were they? I think Karren (her spelling) Brady has been taking screwface lessons from that new copper in Coronation Street.
I got distracted for about 15 minutes there because I'm addicted to this new app Draw Some or Draw something, which sounds stupider). Must pay attention to this boring programme that everyone loves and has told me to blog.
Lord Sugar: 'you couldn't get nothing simpler than this'. LEARN TO FUCKING SPEAK.
It makes me laugh when people talk about working 'in the field'. When I worked at Save the Children 'in the field' meant Ethiopia or Haiti or DRC, not going to the fucking zoo.
Bilyana's giving Alan a bit of backchat. She's going to get the finger.
The only way to make using the word 'key' worse into a sentence is to say 'I'm a key member.' You might as well just say I'm an enormous prick.
'I'm not here to win a popularity contest': almost as stupid a thing to say as 'I'm not here to make friends.' I just don't think I can stand the cliches anymore. 'It doesn't take a brain surgeon...' AERJHRJHEFESKJFDSKJDFSKJDFSKJDFKJFKJREUGIITRGI I can't stand it! 'Too long in the tooth!' erhjgfjkerjewkjlefwkjf54jiogtiijorgrkwjag;tes One more cliche and this blog stops HERE!
'I've got a small voice' - it doesn't fucking sound like it, you foghorn.
RESOOOOMAYYYYYYYYYYYYY! Oh just stab me now. I can't take it. I can't TAKE IT.
'I was made head girl'. Oh Christ. Did you get a swimming ribbon at school, too? 'Bring out the violin'. I can't watch this again. I'm sorry. I just can't do it. I tried and I failed. I tried and I failed, oh Jeane.
OMG HE JUST SAID IT'S NOT ROCKET SCIENCE. ROCKET SCIENCE. BRAIN SURGERY. ROCKET SCIENCE. BRAIN SURGERY. ROCKET SCIENCE. FUCK OFF!
Someone went home. I don't care who. I'm sorry. You're on your own with this one, folks. I'm out! See you on Saturday for my annihilation of the UK version Voice. And if you thought cliches make me angry, wait and see what I've got up my sleeve to say about Tom Jones.

The Apprentice: The Final

Two blogs in a row! I should be getting paid for this shit.
Look at Helen's limp hair. No wonder she always has it in a bun. Jim's crab eyes are on overdrive. Alan won't choose him, Alan doesn't like him. He could go wild and choose Susan, I suppose, but I suspect it's going to be between Helen and Tom.
I hate the interview parts! I'm glad they've shaken up the format though, it needed it. This first interviewer is the biggest cock. As if someone writes things in their CV to suggest they're floundering.
Cliches, buzz words and blarney! Jim looks like he wasn't to punch that dude in the face but had to swallow it. He'll probably go and punch a mirror later.
Even thought Susan is rubbish I can't help liking her a bit.
Jim's pony analogies were quite funny. It's that sort of shit that got him on the show, though. I don't think Jim knows what a cliche is. That's just his vernacular.
Tom's business plan sounds rubbish. Chairs are boring. Still, Tom to win!
Helen could look better as well as be more likeable if she only loosened up a bit. I think she feels to 'be successful in business' you have to be this sewn up, straight serious thing. You can be in business and still be pretty, relaxed and fun (or quirky, like Tom). Her business plan is being destroyed as well. She doesn't need the contacts, though, but Alan would have them if she went into partnership with him.
LOL to Susan admitting she paid her staff in cash and avoided the taxman. Whoops. She's probably going to get arrested on the way out.
If it was an arse-kissing competition, Jim could walk away with the sash right now.
Helen it is super creepy to say that work is more important that your social and personal life. YOU ARE A ROBOT. That joke thing was bad.
That Mark dude being sexist about his wife! Arsehole. No wonder he can smell bullshit, he's probably bathing in it. I think Susan is doing well up against him.
That guy is mean making fun of Jim's salary.
I like Margaret's jazzy boardroom jacket. Karren must be under pressure with her staring her out.
Bit rich of them to moan at Jim for cliches and then that Mark dude goes 'it's like trying to nail custard to the ceiling'.
I think he's going to pick Tom. it's not his fault he didn't mention chairs, he's dyslexic. Please pick Tom!
Doesn't seem like Alan likes any of these business plans! Who's he going to let hitch their apple wagon to his star? I liked it when Jim accidentally called him Sugar. Sugar tits!
Bye Jim. That writing was on that wall long ago. Susan understands that she didn't understand. Bless her. Alan wanted to get into the cosmetic industry? Who knew? Which part?!
Why are they filming up Helen's nose like that? I hope if she loses she pulls that bun off and does an evil cackle. Stick your second business plan, Helen. You had your chance.
Yay, Tom spoke up. Tom's hand wrapped parcel: match point.
Tom wonned it! I couldn't be happier. Helen had nothing left at the end. Right, can I go get on with my life now?

The Apprentice: Don't flummox in the kitchen

Fast food task! This is the second fast food related show I've watched this week. Hope their hygiene standards are better than in SFC.
What's going on with Natasha's fringe? Jim: 'I've got two girls on board who need a bit of direction.' Arsehole! Why can't Natasha do it if she did that in her degree?
I don't like the way Helen deals with Tom, she's patronising.
Do you think Karren doesn't like the Mexican idea? No? Whatever gave you that idea? Moustaches! Cactuses! Sombrero! That's almost racist.
Caracka's?! WTF. Why has it got an apostrophe in it? Does it belong to Caraka? I hope Jim's team goes down this week. In flames!
I didn't know Christopher Columbus wasn't British. Where the fuck is he from, then?
Have you ever eaten 100% British? I'd bloody hope so, living in.. er, Britain.
I physically hate Helen, blaming Tom when she fluffed her speech. He didn't do anything! I hate people who blame others for their own errors, it's cowardly.
Boardroom. Are Jim and Helen getting it on? They exchanged two lingering looks in the boardroom. Yay, Tom through to the final. But no prize? Tight buggers. I hope Jim goes.
Why are they filming them in this weird half light? It's like zombie movie Apprentice. Hope Jim gets eaten.
Jim, charming? He's about as charming as Fred West. Natasha saying 'key things' makes me want to projectile vomit. Next she'll be calling things 'challenging'.
OK, I think he's going to sack Natasha now cos of her hospitality credentials.
Fight. Flight. Shite. Also, there's no such thing as a 'flighter'.
Sugar likes Jim's spirit! I don't. Tom FTW.
PS. Sorry about this blog. I went out tonight so it's not to my usual standards. I'm tired and need to go bed.

The Apprentice: Grab it operationally

Selling stuff task! Don't like Alan calling Tom a nodding dog. He looks even hotter without his glasses, if that's possible. No, not Alan, you pervert.
Melody: pound shop fail. No one buys a £50 or even a £25 watch in a pound shop. They buy toilet roll and four cans of Pepsi. Dur.
Are you allowed to just pitch up and sell stuff on the street? No. Jim seems to be doing well. Tom seems to be doing well. Probably because he's on his own without some power-crazed woman barking at him (this isn't sexist, this is based on past experience facts).
Defensive-gate! Natasha and Jim should both be lined up and shot. Fast.
Karren looks mad! What's the matter with her? Did she pick up her scarf at Poundsave? Looks like it an' all.
Smug Helen or whatever her name is is getting some airtime this week. It's the first time they've even bothered showing her, so maybe she's about to fall off her perch.
That music they were playing when Helen took on Melody was ridiculous. I'd still rather Melody stayed in over Helen cos at least she's a grafter.
Looming up at people in the street to sell things is an odd tactic. I'd run for it.
Why is Jim doing so well this week? Even Nick's took a shine to him. Oh, they've got nodding dogs on their side. Melody and Tom are going to be fucked again, even with Queen Smug on their side.
What is up with Natasha? Why has she got that hat on? Why does she talk like that? Yeah it really brings out the best in me when your manager tells you to 'stop embarrassing yourself'. She's inspirational!
OMG I hate Natasha more than Melody this week. Is that possible?
Boardroom times. Why is Helen sticking it to Melody so hard already? Where's the loyalty?
Ooh, Tiggy's getting mad. He's knocking points off like he's on Shooting Stars. Oh, and now he's taken their treat off them! He's like a grumpy old dad going 'here's what you WOULD have won.' Well guess what, daddy, I didn't want to go in those clapped out old vintage cars anyway, so shove it. So do they get to go to a slightly less grotty cafe?
Surely Tom should survive this week. It's got to be Melody for the chop. How old is Helen? She looks like she could be anything from 30 to 45. She dresses like Margaret Thatcher. Oh don't cry, Melody, your 80s eye make-up will run. That sort of shading doesn't look waterproof.
Ooh Tom's got a dossier of evidence against Melody and Helen. I'd love it if Helen went this week! Imagine her face! I don't want Melody to go in a way. She's a little fighter. She's a pitbull!
Helen is an executive assistant to a CEO. That's a tough job, but it doesn't make her a business woman.
Oh god, I'm really scared Tom's going to go. Does he have a core of steel? I think he's got a core of marshmallow. But that's what's nice about him.
Oh, Melody got the boot! Is he going to go into business with Tom? Why else would he keep him around for so long? At least Tiggy gave Melody some props. Bye My Melody.
UGH I hate Helen so much, having a dig at Tom at the end. ANYONE to win but her. JIM. SUSIE. ANYONE. NATASHA? Oh God, maybe not.

The Apprentice: Half douche, half biscuit

Lord Sugar's in the kitchen? Well don't just stand there, stick the kettle on, you miserable old shrew. Oh, biscuit task. The best biscuit has already been invented; the Toffypop. Rarely seen, but when you find them, they are fucking AMAZING. They are more cake than biscuit, really. I could eat a packet, easy. My other fave biscuit are the posh thick orange chocolate ones from M&S. They are ace. I try not to have those in the house.
Helen: 'I've obviously got some experience in biscuits.' That's not something to say in public. Ergh, Zoe's voice is PAINFUL. She could be like the anti-Samaritans for people who want to top themselves. It'd only take a minute or two, job done.
Biscuit development laboratory! I've heard it all now. That's just a kitchen, right?
Melody, you boring bitch, stop trying to curtail Tom's ideas. Tom and Susie both get trodden on all the time. They need to go a bit gangster.
Are biscuits for kids a good idea? I can hear an anti-obesity message coming on. Natasha complaining about your ideas whilst not thinking of any of her own reminds me of being at work. Fair enough, criticise, but have something to replace it!
This Apprentice is bad for your health, I just went and opened a packet of Jaffa Cakes, and not just any Jaffa Cakes, M&S ones. They are SO GOOD.
Pop-squit! LOL. The two tone biscuit is the best. Melody is NOT a team player. Can you really see Alan working hand in hand with her? Can you fuck.
Natasha: 'we open up time'. Don't waste that sort of power on mere biscuits.
Melody WANTS to do a role play. That tells you all you need to know about her. Case closed.
The Bix Mix is a hit. I'd buy it. They look massive!
LOL to Melody and Tom's presentation. 'Where was this manufactured, in Heaven?' Hilarious. Why shouldn't a biscuit appeal to everyone? Why does a biscuit have to have an audience? I don't know what the target market for Jaffa Cakes is. I just like eating them. So do old people. And children. So fuck you, sour-faced Sainsburys buyers.
Zoe is being quite unprofessional in dealing with Melody, I think. She'd wind me up, too, but you gotta rise above it. Or stab her in the face. One or the other, but not in public. Zoe is permanently frowning. Melody is permanently sneering. They can both get to fuck.
Ah, the obesity police! I knew it. I like the special (needs) stars packaging best.
Jim is looking quite po-faced in the boardroom. I think he needs to relax a little. maybe he needs a massage.
No way, Bixmix got no orders! WTF? Helen is one smug cow. She's so annoying. Jim's powder blue cashmere jumper he was wearing whilst they scoffed cakes took the frigging biscuit. Oh, they're sure living the high life, what a treat. It's not exactly the sort of evening you remember on your death bed, is it?
My advice to Tom: keep your mouth shut and let Melody and Zoe duke it out. Ooh, Tomis showing his teeth a little. I'd pay good money to see him tell Melody to stick it up her arse.
This girl fight is a bit unbecoming. But as I said, Tom, zip it. Susie's not said a word so far. Zoe's going home I reckon, cos Sugarlumps is right up Melody's arse for some reason.
Ways you know someone is going to say something shitty: 'with all due respect', 'I'm not being funny, but..' 'Politely...' (this is my boss's favourite one, but she won't be my boss much longer, so I can POLITELY say this).
You can't call a biscuit 'common'. Well, you can. Sponge fingers are quite common. And pink wafers. That's all we had when we were little, back in the 50s.
Why did Zoe sit sulking outside like a div after she got fired? Then Melody didn't even say goodbye to her, and she didn't even want to say goodbye to Tom. What a dick.
Dear God, please get rid of Melody next week. Yes, God. I'm talking a ten ton truck, not a sacking. Sort it.

The Apprentice: Teapot tyrants

Roll up, roll up for the entrepreneurial elite! They're off to France. Will Tom soar as team leader? Will Susie lead Venture or that other rubbish team name to victory?
Do the French like their children? They don't like tourists, I know that much. Especially not English ones *bad flashbacks*.
I quite like the teapot light and the pop-up postcards. Melody is grating on my nerves. So, you speak French? People at my work speak about ten languages each. Not me, obviously. But them. And they don't brag about it. They just listen in on other people who are speaking French having conversations.
People DO use cars in France! I hate the Paris Metro *bad flashbacks*.
Melody is running rings around Tom, just because she can. I don't like her domineering attitude. He should tell her what's what.
And whilst I like the teapot, I wouldn't pay more than a tenner for it.
Oh Susie, it must be so EMBARRASSING being able to fit your arse into a child seat. No, it's embarrassing having to take up two seats on a aeroplane, you insensitive sap.
I don't like seeing my little Tom under pressure. I want to give him a cuddle.
Melody seems to be on fire. Even though she's a complete arsehole, she can sell.
Eek, worried Susie took it at the end with her mobile phone holders.
Melody should take the fall tonight. She dissed that car seat product hard. I'm really concerned Tom is going to go. *This is my concerned face*.
Flying lessons as a treat? No thanks, I'll pass. I'd rather to to the greasy spoon.
I've never even noticed that woman before who got the 200K deal. Surely she's going to win the whole thing?! DARK HORSE. She looked well smug at the end.
Melody reminds me of someone I work with who gets on my nerves. It's that one-tone voice, going on and on.
Orlando Bloom did fuck all tonight. Alan is right to have a go at him. But I don't want him, Tom or Melody to go, really. They're all good characters.
I want a 'Woman of the Future' award! I think Melody has said 'absolutely' about 12 thousand times tonight.
Yeah, Orlando has been 'on the ground' selling. He's been 'out in the field'. In a shopping mall.
Paper scissors stone gate! Melody's safe so either way we're going to lose some totty. Darn it.
Ah, Orlando went. Back to wooden acting for him. Tom survives again. Next week; Tom models himself on Melody by wearing dramatic eyeliner and setting up secret deals with Tunnocks.

The Apprentice: How do you blow your load?

5.45am wake up call? The world of business is not for me. I'm busy taking a stroll down blanket street towards the Land of Nod at that time of morning.
Why is Lordy talking to them from off a balcony? Balconies do make everything sexier, don't they? Except this.
Ooh, they are creating magazines. Look at Glenn winking at Jim, is he going to pinch his arse, too? Guess who's not taking who back into the boardroom if it all goes willys up.
OMG this Natasha person is ODIOUS. Lads mags. What a dick she is. The other team are doing over 60s. Even worse! Over 60s just read puzzle books or newspapers *generalising*.
My mum is over 60, though, and she certainly doesn't bowl. She just drinks in an armchair and watches ITV cos 'there's nothing good on the other channels'.
OMG! Glenn said older people might not understand humour. Uh-oh. Nick is LIVID.
Why have they chosen this demographic?! They know fuck all about it. The hatchet man is coming for Jim this week, mark my words. Alan's been gunning for him from a few week's back.
I like the suggestion of calling the mag 'Zimmer'. All their suggestions sounded like the names of hair colours or face creams.
Lads mags focus group. Even writing the words 'lads mags' annoys me. No, I won't put the apostrophe in. Who reads magazines? Women! Women in their 20s and 30s. Are they stupid? Oh.
More names for the mag: Pension mention? Old boot? Hip replacement! WTF? Are they mental? Oh, Jim, you're going DOWN. DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWN. 'Life Begins' would have been a much better title.
I was going to lazily call my blog 'Pulp Friction' but that just got replaced, quick smart.
So the lads mags team are objectifying women for their task. Lush. Then they went up to people in the street and asked them 'how do you blow your load?' Fucking hell. Did the other team spike their drinks with Viagra? And they said they were 'raising the tone' of lads mags! *insert raising something else joke here*
At least the branding on the lads mag looks good. The OAPs one is gross.
I feel like Glenn and Jim are having a competition to out-douche each other. What a pair of bozos.
Do you ever open the door to a delivery man and go 'I'm the editor of Covered magazine?' Me neither. Do sex and business mix? Only in bad pornos.
Oh, the advertisers don't like the title 'hip replacement'? I'm really shocked by that. *straightface* Nick is gunning for Jim! I think Nick would happily whack Jim over the head with a shovel and bury the body in his back garden, then walk away whistling.
Natasha is 'uber, 100% taking the last one.' What's that? Medal in the bad-cliche competition? Cunt trophy?
Advertising looks like a very boring industry. I don't think Jim would know edgy if Nick pushed him off one.
OMG I hate Natasha soooo much. 'Dollar in your pocket'. Fuck off.
Also, over 60s don't really go on the tube, which is where you get those free mags. Why is that woman slagging off cardigans? I wear cardigans pretty much every single day. Mind you, I do work for a charity. It's virtually the dress code.
I don't think Glenn or Jim understand humour, which is ironic, as they're both a walking joke.
LOL to Alan being sexist to Karren. MISOGYNY in the boardroom. Well, I never.
Jim is going. I'm telling you. I'd blow my load on it.
It's all very well for Susie to go 'I didn't back the title' but she backed it by not arguing against it better. And Jim can blame Zoe for thinking of it, but he was virtually blowing HIS load over it. Oh well, IT IS WHAT IT IS, as the scunt-wearing arseholes say.
LOL Jim and Glenn are arguing! Is love's young dream over so soon? Winky winky. Never mind, they'll probably still drag all the girls back in the boardroom, like they do every week.
Susie's catchphrase should be 'that's so unfair!' followed by a sad face. Grow a fucking spine, ffs.
Nick is digging Jim out. I think he's going to put a bag over his head on the way home and give him the Phil and Masood treatment.
Haha, Alan just made me laugh with his Agatha Cristie play joke. I'm losing my grip on life.
Can't believe Susie is only 21. But bringing up your age is a deluded Big Brother contestant move.
OMG he fired Glenn! What about Jim?! Double eviction? Don't get me wrong, I hate Glenn. But JIM! Golden opportunity! Jim stayed. My load has been blown. And it was no fun.
PS: sorry for all the asterisks, I'm in a funny mood today.***********

The Apprentice: Haggle Rock

Sunrise at the Gherkin. Beautiful.
Girls vs Boys. But which is better, etc? Come on girls. They've not got Stuart Baggs, so that instantly makes them more appealing.
Jamie, don't invoke 'live by the sword, die by the sword'! Did you learn nothing from Nick Bateman?
What is a silva 'tikka'? Is this like a joke where they send the work experience kid to ask for something that doesn't exist? You will find the hallowed turkey-monkey and bring it back for Sugarlumps to feast on raw! Bhahahahaha!
I work near Hatton Garden- exciting.
WTF is this tikka thing? It's driving me mad. Ah, it's like indian head jewellery.
God this task is so fucking BORING.
I'd go to All Saints for the showing machine, they've got millions in there. (Don't invoke the memory of Kris!) Kris who? Be glad if you've forgotten.
The girls are getting thrashed on prices. Will Baggs ride again? I can't stand haggling, it makes me cringe. The girls clearly can't either.
I can't stand Baggs OR Chris. Posh twats. And I like posh people normally.
See her whip that pen off that dude? What a nutcase!
The boys won by £70! LOL. Baggs has actually been half bearable today. The treat is a trip to Eurodisney. Never have I seen such an illustration of the words 'Gay Paris'.
I wonder if Liz will go. Seems a shame if she does, she's a lot nicer than Russian Doll and that hard-faced blonde one. Her eyes look too big for her face, but in a good way.
Alan: 'I'm sure you'd know the price of Louis Vutton bag or Chanel glasses'?! Sexist fucker.
That blonde one is annoying. I think he's going to ditch her. She was quite shirty with him too.
Russian Doll is 22! She looks older than me. Oh he ditched her. I didn't see that one coming.
Ooh bitchiness at the end. Laydeez! Put down your shoes, handbags and diet tips and play nicely.

The Apprentice: Let's get down to crispness

I'm having a hell of a day, and I don't see how The Apprentice will help. Hopefully it will just take my mind off the horror happening in my bathroom (don't ask).
CRISPS! OK, now here's a task I can really get behind. What I don't know about crisps doesn't exist. My current favourite flavours are Walkers Turkey and Stuffing, and Walkers Sour Cream and Chive. My forever favourite is Walkers Roast Chicken.
Stella is project managing . Chris is heading the other team.
Curry crisps! No thanks. They're in Germany; how about beer flavour?
I HATE it when foreigners call crisps CHIPS. They are not CHIPS (although chips are good, too).
Sausage flavour, of course. I had sausage flavour Mccoys recently and they were rank. I was hopeful, too. Mccoys aren't cheap either!
Russian Doll is buckpassing already; 'it's your call!' I hate the way they're always setting the others up for a fall in the boardroom; they're meant to be working as a team.
Do you think Stuart Baggs has ever had sex? If so, how?
Why is Joanna talking to the Germans like they're a bit slow?
I have a feeling that 1pm appointment is going to bite them on the arse.
Sorry, I've been doing my Tesco shopping online so phased out for a bit. I suspect I haven't missed much.
Again they are arguing between the teams. This is bullshit. TEAM WORK! Their appointment should be your appointment. It's not every man for himself.
LOL I knew that appointment would be a problem; wasn't it obvious? Dimwits.
Boardroom! Nick, you tattletale. LOL Alan is teaching them to speak to foreigners like they are idiots! Fantastic stuff.
Well, they all seem to have sold a lotta crisps. Baggsy's safe again! Cool.
Did someone really just say the early worm catches the bird? That must be one big worm.
'RESOOMAY'! Won't somebody tell him? PLEASE. Nick, you're a smart arse, why don't you do it?
Chris is gonna go. I'm not sorry. Step away from 'the plate'. Oh he didn't! I barely even know who that person is he fired. I don't think I have enough space in my brain to remember the contestants that aren't outrageous or hateful.
Apologies, I should be fired from writing this blog. Oh well, back to the bathroom it is.

The Apprentice: The customer is always (third) reich

Pinewood studios: 'I think they make furniture'. Good start to the show. It's actually a film studio, plebs.
Westfields shopping centre! I went there recently, it's quite posh and I had cocktails, it was very girly and unlike me.
Baggs: 'I've seen this a million times before.' Oh, he's such a tool. He's definitely going to go this week. I can feel it in my bones, and so can Lord Sugar.
Sandeesh has eyes like a cartoon woodland creature. Not sure this will make her a great team leader, but it does make her look unusual and kind of cute. I reckon Jamie's got this show in the bag, unless he's a bit too posh. Trust him to go for skiing- 'everyone loves skiing'. No, only posh people like it. Poor people like the beach and binge drinking on holiday.
Why is this Chris guy always the first one up to act like a total prick?
Baggs: 'I have to reign in my own masculinity'. COCK. Stop pissing about in that car; you are going home this week.
OMG I WANT TO STAB THIS CUNT. Is he even a real person? The way he speaks to people is UNREAL!
Jamie sulking because he doesn't get to play with the kiddies!
Getting that toy car was a good coup for that team. Oh no, does that mean Baggsy's team is going to win?! Hell no.
Where is Karrrrrren this week? Nick seems quite joyful without her there.
Those DVDs are shit. When are you ever going to watch it!
LOL to Baggs ringing people up and barracking them for not collecting their DVDs. Nice!
WTF now Karren is in the boardroom commenting on shit? You weren't even there! Either that or I'm really not paying attention.
FUCK Baggs won. Why is he flirting with Alan? That gitfaced-chimp has gotta go SOON.
Now we're going to lose the cartoon woodland creature. Right?
Fuck, Karren was there, apparently. Was she doing a sponsored silence?
Sandeesh is bringing back Chardonnay from Footballers Wives. She looks like she's never seen a stick of makeup before and then been let loose in Jodie Marsh's mirrored beauty closet. Liz, apparently.
That Chris guy talks to people like they're a piece of shit, too. KNOB END.
But apparently 'he's a strong candidate'. These really are the scrapings.
Bye Sandeesh, see you on CBeebies.

The Apprentice: Influenza is Cockney

Oh, Alex... the unemployed Head of Communications. He could call himself an unemployed CEO, turkey-baster or astronaut if he wanted, if you're unemployed you're unemployed. You don't get to keep the job title.
Who the fuck is this Christopher guy? I swear I've never seen him before. Did we get a new contestant like a new Big Brother housemate? Can we evict him?
Incidentally, I did a brainstorm at work today. A top secret brainstorm! I nearly fell asleep, the meeting room lights weren't agreeing with me.
Alex on the Blitz: 'a big bombing thing- and they're dead by now anyway.' LOL! Yeah, fuck that poppy, all those old cunts are six foot under.
'Smash it out the park'. Ugh. I don't mind the stupid octopus idea in principle. At least it's eyecatching.
Octi-kleen! Shouldn't it be Oct-O-kleen? I'm not sure about Robocop cleaner either. Which is better... etc.
Exgerminate! 'Influenza is Cockney'! LOL. I liked that guy's germ voiceover, it was good.
There's not a person on the planet who would say the words 'if only I was an octopus', not even in an advert.
OMG why have they got that kid in the advert when it said keep kids away from it! Gorms. (Sexist and untrue statement coming up) Also, why are they advertising it to kids and men? They don't clean! This octopus crap is even worse though. Sigh.
Germinator (sorry o-ator) looks like weedkiller. But at least it's not sexist like Octo-pus.
Also, octopusses (pi?) don't have hands. Nick was clearly sitting on that 'tramp on chips' line. I wish he'd shut up again this year, to be honest. Leave the jokes to me, Nick.
Karaoke party! That's my kind of prize.
Alex is going to go for not bringing stern russian-looking girl in with him. That blonde guy Chris gets on my wick, too. At least Alex is good TV.
Alan clearly doesn't know the meaning of the word 'unforgivable'- as he forgave Chris. Perhaps someone should explain it to him along with how to pronounce 'resume'.
Bye Alex. I'll miss your buffoonery. But not for long.

The Apprentice: She's in Fashion

My life just got a gazillion times more boring so expect more blogs. I'm eating ice cream alone on a sofa. Boo!
That dude (is it Jamie?) has a wife? I'm sure he was a bit on the gay side. Still, he still could be. Surely Baggsy should be happy you can sell a £2 piece of cotton for £100? Isn't that his dream come true?
LOL to Jamie slagging off the Mancs. They DO have a lot to answer for! Well, so I've heard.
I like the fact the girls are just getting distracted and have started shopping.
Alex is on fire today. Paloma is scary. She doesn't look like a sparkly jacket type. 'we'll be in dialogue with you later.' Eek. I'm not surprised they didn't get it; she seemed totally unimpressed in that shop.
OMG wtf is that recycled business wear? It's gross. I predict a fail. Fucking hell, Karren (ie. the young Margaret) looks like she's been up all night again. You're on telly; put some foundation on, ffs.
I don't trust English people who say 'mall'. Shopping centre is much more rustic.
I've just realised I can't tell Baggs and that other blonder guy apart! They both look like public school boys. They're both total cunts. If I get them mixed up, I apologise.
Do people turn to the right when they walk in shops? Is that scientifically tested?
I'm not sure I would wear a dress made out of old ties! Where the fuck would you wear it? School reunion?
That Amsterdam jibe was low, Nick!
Paloma is digging Alex's grave in preparation for failure. Perhaps she should concentrate more on selling. Oh, she can't cos the stuff is £300.
The advert thing was a good move. OMG that tie dress is so rank. That woman must be completely mental. Paloma: 'well done!' Yeah, well done, you rich idiot. You just threw away £300. There's people dying of cholera in Haiti. Having said that, I like those blue Liquorice dresses.
Ooh Nick didn't like Lord Sugar recycling that Amsterdam joke! That homeboy prefers to say shit behind people's back.
Paloma has got a hell of a bad attitude. I don't like the way she's speaking to old Sugarlumps. I guarantee you right now she's going to get fired.
OMG the way she speaks to people is disgusting! She making me pine for that idiot who went last week.
I actually enjoyed this show a bit more this week. But I accidentally deleted it and my boyfriend is at work and hasn't seen it! Fuckery. Doghouse for me!

The Apprentice: Karmically, they will be retributed

Yes, I am still watching, but barely. It's funny how this show is 'must see' TV for so many, it's more like musty TV to me. Did I really just start my blog like that?! God help us.
Some interesting products for them to sell this week; mostly a variety of torture equipment (who would buy something to stop you slouching, except in some Victorian horror movie?) Also, a babygro that changes colour to tell you when your baby is dying. Marvellous.
Does that Baggs guy really speak like that? He puts the 'o' into odious.
That blonde girl with the glasses is so annoying. She talks like a teenage girl at a bus stop. I'm half expecting her to start kissing her teeth and threatening to put a cap in Lord Sugar's ass.
I kind of wanted team Knobjockey to say 'I'll just demonstrate the babyglow by sticking this baby in the oven'.
That woman in the baby shop was a CUNT! 'I'll just have to stop you there...' I'd like to stop you there with a fist in your gob. I can't stand people who speak like that. What is wrong with people? What planet are people on!
Why is everyone putting so much make up on in the back of those cars? They're trowelling it on!
Shopkeeper: 'it's very masculeene!' That's how gay people say 'masculine'. That Paloma gets on my wick a bit. I can't believe they're having a row on his doorstep when they're trying to sell him something.
I like Jamie. I didn't even realise he was team leader because he wasn't bellowing at everyone like a twat. He has got some animal analogies, though. 'Two birds with one stone... horse had bolted...' Better hope he doesn't end up dead as a dodo.
Wow they all did really well this week! So are they still going to get a bollocking? Is Alan going to send Vicky Pollard packing?
What is a cashastrophe? Jamie is becoming a stuttering mess.
Whoever fucked up with the showerheads should go, in my opinion.
A one-word sentence is just a word, really. Honestly all I do during The Apprentice is spot cliches, correct grammar and pray for the ending! 'Walking on eggshells, fireworks, machine guns.' I fucking wish!
Is that guy really 21? Fuck me. He looks 40.
Aw, I'm sad he fired Rude Girl. 'Ganging up on me.. horrible people.' oh god, don't play the damsel in distress card, not after all that attitude. BRRRRRRAP!

The Apprentice: There was literally two heads on me

'I'm sure you'll agree our thoughts our with him' says Alan of the contestant who had to leave because his brother got blown up in Afghanistan. Silence. They're probably busy hoping there won't be an eviction- sorry, sacking- this week.
Now, lets see how Sure for Men and Lynx Africa do this week.
Beach product ideas: a long hand that applies suncream! A towel with a compartment in! How about sand-proof shoes? The blonde team leader Stella is a bit sour and as red as her lipstick.
I wish I could pull faces like the girls are at my team meetings when other people spoke.
What is the purpose of the little dots on to of the u's in Cuuli? NOTHING.
The other team can't think of an idea. Their team leader Laura is quite strange looking- she's like a Russian assassin. Karren (the new Margaret) looks worn out. She's either got a mega hangover, or she's forgotten her Touch D'Eclat. They came up with a book stand for the beach. Hmm.
LOL to the blokes trying to get their team leader to model a bikini. OMG she's going to go MAD. They've bought her a 'classy' bikini even after she said no. Watching blokes shop for girls makes me weep a little.
OMG she agreed to do it! Is she mad? No, just vain.
I actually like the Cuuli! I always want a pillow when I'm sunbathing (in the park, not on the beach, admittedly).
I like Jamie! Is he gay? I thought he was a wide-boy last week but that champagne comment was quite camp.
Honestly, the way Stella speaks to people is DRAINING.
Note to contestants: 'I can sell ice to the Eskimos' is not only cliched, but racist.
'As a project manager, I should have right of speech'. You don't even have right of a basic grasp of English!
How did they guess her size for that bikini anyway? She doesn't look very sexy on that picture. She looks like a less-happy corpse.
It doesn't look comfortable to sit reading the book on that stand. Plus your suntan would get messed up.
Honestly, this Cuuli presentation blows. I could do better than that.
What's the black girl Joanna's problem? She should be on Big Brother, not The Apprentice. Check out her earrings! The girl's are getting on brilliantly, I must say.
What is 'comfortability'? It sounds like Roseability by Idlewild.
Boardroom! Kick out anyone who doesn't have brilliant blue eyes, I say. Go Hitler on them, Lord Sugar-tits.
The treat is to go to a golf club! Woo hoo. Can women even get in? That's not so much a treat as a threat.
Alan dismissing the laydeez for fighting. I'm surprised he doesn't get Karren and Nick raising their handbags ala Vic and Bob.
Karren: 'you're representing business women, one of which I am.' That's not ENGLISH. You're representing illiteracy.
Joy, your shirt doesn't fit, dude. Next time, instead of 'oh, man' try saying thanks for the opportunity.
OMG neither of them even gave her a cuddle goodbye. Heartless.
Whose responsible? You fucking are. Doesn't Lord Sugar own The Holy Bible?

The Apprentice: Bangers and Gash

Everything I touch turns to sold!
Here we are again; in the contrived world of The Apprentice. I went off it a bit last series so I'm hoping it's a bit better this year. It IS a tired format, though. (I miss Big Brother).
A lot of the women look attractive; the men look like trogs.
Team names: Fusion and Synergy sound like deodorants. I think Odious might be nearer the mark.
This short-haired blonde woman who talks like an East-London IT girl (t.m. Charley) is going to be a cunt, right.
Sausages! They are round near where I work. I never knew the meat market opened in the middle of the night! Why? That's weird. It's like some magical slaughterous underworld. I always wondered what the crack(ling) was round there. I walk through there every day and it's all shut up.
Ugh, all that meat looks gross. Morrissey must be watching between his fingers. I don't want to see what goes in sausages. And I eat them. That sausage meat coming out of that machine like misshapen willies is giving me the eebie jeebies. Pig weep.
The boy's project manager is a complete and utter cockspank. They should shove him in the sausage machine. If he spoke to me like that I'd go all Kat Slater on him.
Jamie seems like the only normal one of the boys and even he's on cliché overload.
Stuart, I have a problem with your sausage energy.
I wish this show was half an hour. The tasks go on for about 20 minutes too long. The boardroom bit is also about ten minutes to long.
The girl team leader calling her team 'raging women'. Way to play into the boys hands.
Boys lost! Kick out the team leader. I'd like to go to a champagne barbecue.
I want to go in that boardroom and make my eyes go all blue and beautiful. Maybe their eyes look so sparkly because they all look like they're going to cry.
I liked it when posh dude called team-leader-cockspank-guy 'shameful' and pointed at him like a politician. Cringeable! LOL.
ALAN STILL HASN'T LEARNT TO SAY 'RESOOMAY' RIGHT. Won't somebody tell him?
Sausage-fail kid: 'I'm one of the most successful people if not in Britain, but the world.' Who is this guy, Simon Cowell? Jay-Z? Bill Gates? No, some dick off The Apprentice.
It's hard to pick who should go out of these three; they are such massive knob-ends.
Oh, rubber face dude went. Next week: Alan tells Bono to get his coat and puts Madonna on her final warning.

Junior Apprentice (curated by Brian Betonde)

A day late again thanks to my freeview being spannered. What with Corrie being cancelled due to shoot-em-up horrors, and Eastenders peculiarly deciding to focus on Pat and Peggy's sex life and Liam's maths homework, TV has been a pretty barren place. 'This res-oom-ey don't add up!' They should have glossed over that one, not put it in the re-cap. WHY did Adam have to go because he was ill? I don't get it. There's more to that than meets the eye.
What was the connection between the David Beckham football academy and art? I've not a clue. I hate that guy Tim, the farmer dude with his straightened hair. I think he fancies that blonde girl, the Not-Zoe. His attitude to the artists stank. At least pretend to give a shit if you don't want to herd sheep all your life. They were both well trying to get rid of the dowdy little Kirsty.
What a surprise that Zoe's parents are both 'professional artists'! Indulged. Poor Emma (ie. Tina from Corrie before the Prozac kicked in) having to manage her.
Tim is useless! He think he's so much better than the others and he just came off like a kiss-ass.
Kirsty was at least spectacularly hopeless with the artist.
Tim is such a sexist prick! He ought to put the hair straighteners down and stick them up his arse.
Oops I stopped paying attention for the actual task because I got all aerated about finding misspelt tagged pictures of my school days on Facebook. Thank you slack Facebook privacy settings.
SACK TIM. I don't know what he's done wrong, but it must have been something. There; used 'eloquent' incorrectly in a sentence.
Not-Zoe went. Boo. I didn't pay attention but I don't think she deserved to go. I was gripped by this the first couple of weeks and now I'm indifferent. Davina; we need you.

Junior Apprentice: I want to be the girl with the most cake

Hello, angelic fruitcakes. I'll start blogging about something other than The Apprentice soon; i.e Big Brother. I also have a shiny new netbook so no excuse for lacklustre bloggies now I've got a digital clutch.
Cupcakes. No matter how pretty you make them, they still make you fat. Can't believe Rhys is 17! He looks like an amoeba. I can't believe they are all either 16 or 17, they look like they range from pre-pubescent to middle-aged.
Give Zoe an arsenic cupcake. I think the key to success is make the designs as simple as possible. It's not easy to write on a cake. Especially if you've only just learned to write.
Those 'love' cakes look cheapy! At least the 'fashion' cakes look like they haven't been made my a visually-impaired chimpanzee. Although I don't think they're going to shift any of the 'marry me' ones. If someone proposed to me via cupcake I'd be straight on the phone to Gillian McKeith.
'Instinct cupcakes' doesn't exactly roll off the tongue, does it? I don't think instinct tastes that good. It feels a bit sweaty to me.
Rhys's team have got to win! Their cupcakes look a zillion times nicer than the others.
Challenging! Gotta love the office speak. The key issues are 'your cupcakes are shit'.
Did Alan really just sack Adam for having a cold?! You can't do that. I'd hate to get pregnant under that sort of regime. WTF!
Alan sounded like Terry Tibbs when he went, 'What were your prices?'
Can't believe Rhys's team lost. Zoe's going to be noshing off Richard Branson before you can say 'Rimmel'.
Talking of inappropriate sexual remarks, if Rhys has ever had sex, I'm in line for a knighthood. And if he's had sex by the time he's 25, I'll give you one.
The Not-Zoe blonde girl looks like she's had her hair cut with a lawnmower. Beardy farmer bloke gets on my tits, he is always setting up someone else to go whilst doing fuck all.
Not-Zoe wants to be 'grafted' into a good businesswoman. Jordan's plastic surgeon could probably arrange it.
Rhys, you're a very special man. When you finally fit into that suit, there's a job waiting for you at the Carphone Warehouse.

Junior Apprentice (Don't stop the beat)

I'm a day late with this because I forgot to put it in my plan-argh yesterday. Sowwee. AND I saw who got the boot on Digital Spy.
Cheese puns should have stopped at 'grated'.
Mudshoot (chute?) City Farm sounds like something out of a depressing film. Camping. I gave up camping after my tent got trampled at V. Sleeping on a crate under a tinfoil blankee once was enough for me. Let me never set foot in another Millets again.
My camping invention would be a sound-proof bubble with a telly in it: aka my house.
Is Brighton home to 'festival going enthusiasts'? It's certainly home to some genetically modified seagulls.
Why do these children want to go to meetings and sell things? It's not right. It's creepy. Also, some of them look like tiny children, and some look like adults. It's unsettling.
Their ideas are peculiar- you can see they've never been to a festival. I went to one when I was 14. Rock n roll. What IS that cardboard thing? They have overcomplicated things.
My boyfriend has just suggested 'Shower in a bag' which is actually a human-sized face-wipe costing a tenner. I like it. That's copyrighted, by the way.
That cardboard thing is a monstrosity. It looks both cheapo and pointless. The sledge thing is duff. You might as well just use a regular sledge, they're only about about a fiver (in fact you can probably get them for about 99p in the summer).
It's Sugar time. How can something so sweet look so sour?
I've been to that tree top walkway in Kew Gardens and it was RUBBISH! Kew Gardens is BORING. There's no animals. I'd rather go to the zoo. Or to Alton Towers. Or to Florida.
One of the girls is allegedly 16 but looks like an extra-depressed Tina off Corrie and about 25. There's a dowdy little mouse one but it's really all about Zoe with the lips. She's a teenage Terminator.
Don't kick out the little wide boy! He's sweet. There's tons of dead wood and duff characters. I don't like it when they kick out my faves. Ditch the worsties! I think Alan likes him.
Alan: 'you wasn't a good team leader'. And that wasn't very good English.
Ooh, he pointed this week! Glad he didn't get rid of Adam. I think Hibah was a scapegoat a bit. But sometimes you just gotta bleat.

Junior Apprentice: Kid B minus

LORD SOME SUGAR ON ME! S Club Sugar. Allowed back on telly now the election BS is over. Shouting at children! He's the new Supernanny. Supernappy!
'I am ruthless in business' says a 12 year old. What business? Bullying? Stealing pocket money? The rent-a-quote bit at the start is just as laboured from a virgin's mouth, but more creepy.
What do they win? An internship at Amstrad? A Nintendo Wii? Probably a tangerine and a pair of socks, knowing our Alan.
They should do this show with a Young Alan Sugar (tm) played by Danny Dyer (he didn't write that column, alright?! ALRIGHT????) I see they've got a younger Margaret. Oh no, it's that hard faced football woman.
Don't start your spiel with talk of 'humping potatoes', Alan! They are only wee bairns.
Is he going to bring up the babies if the kids all start banging each other in the house? It's fairly unlikely though, they're all ugly as sin. And Arjun's chat up line was 'I love maths.' bless him.
There's some Peaches Geldof type with an undercut who clearly had her stall funded by daddy. Nice red lipstick, though.
Team names! INSTINCT. Revolution (said in Russell Brand style). Jordan looks like a spotty Andy Murray. I hope he's good at tennis.
Apparently 'no one wants to do a deal with an ugly person'. Who's going to tell Alan? Aw, he's not ugly, he's just well worn, like an old carpet.
Task: selling cheese! How long did it take them to think of that? Who's producing this shit, Alex James? What's their 'treat' gonna be, a year's supply of Low Low?
Adam is a Darren Miller wide-boy type.
The new Margaret (Karren) can't even spell her own name, so I don't hold out much hope for her as a mentor. Oh they're not mentors, just 'aides'. Just nosy old goats, more like. She needs to practice her eyebrow raising.
'Quick! We need to sell this cheese' the boys suddenly realise at about 5pm. Meanwhile Daddy's Girl Zoe has an abunance of confidence and sells like a motherfucker. She's a cocky cunt though and so not a team player. She's got to be an only child. I wonder what her pony is called?
Cheese glorious cheese! Man up and sell the cheese. Here's a tip: Don't tell your customer 'we just need to get rid of it'! VIVA LA REVOLUTION.
DON'T FUCK WITH ZOE. She will rip your fucking head off.
Andy Murray started talking all posh when he went in the boardroom. His little nemisis was trying to dig him out (I'll call him Henman).
The boardroom; makes blue eyes extra blue, especially when Alan makes them cry. He's lording it up!
The girls (well, Zoe) won. Deep fried pig's ear; what sort of treat is that?! It makes my diet look sophisticated.
Rhys is going home, I guarantee it. He's snivelled his way through this first episode. He looks like a choir boy playing dress-up in his dad's shirt. Send him to the naughty step!
'Wind is my least favourite weather type' said the sheep farmer Tim (and the only one who looks like he's even hit puberty). Alan doesn't want to know about the elements! He wants profit!
I like Adam! He's a cheeky little wide boy. Him FTW.
The boardroom bit drags on longer than the dire action movie 2012. You could cut it in half and I'd still be pissy about it.
Alan didn't do the pointing when he said 'you're fired'! I'd feel cheated without that, it's like going on Deal or No Deal and it being Love Week and you don't get the red boxes, but a pink box and made to dress up like Cupid. WRONG.
This was EXACTLY like watching the normal Apprentice except you couldn't fancy any of them. Better than I expected. Next up: Junior Babestation.