Popstar to operastar! Just as good as American Idol, honest. HA!
Disclaimer: I'm not actually watching this for real, I just thought I'd watch the first one and take the piss. I might end up loving it, but Alan 'ratatatatatah' Titchmarsh and Myleene Klass say otherwise. Who would put those two in charge of running a show? Alone, they have zero charisma. Together, it's a chemistry car-crash. Under no circumstances leave these two in the same room again. Don't say I didn't warn you.
I have a confession to make about Alan Titchmarsh; I thought he was Tony Blackburn up until yesterday. Do they both have daytime TV shows? I don't know. Either way; they're both useless. Ah, Titchmarsh has gone for the Stephen Baldwin 'greased-back' hair look. Is this making a comeback amongst unpopular, overweight middle-aged men or mere coincidence? Myleene is wearing a bit of old curtain. She's as smug and unlikeable as ever.
Katherine 'e-head' Jenkins and someone called Orlando (not Bloom) are the shows 'mentors'. Katherine looks like a Disney princess, but I can't really take her seriously since I saw that News of the World video of her gurning her face off. She must miss it, those raver days, staring into the Klass /Titchmarsh void.
So, who are the contestants, I hear you ask (come on, get involved). Meatloaf! He would do anything for love, oh whatever (I'm still sure it was anal). Laurence Lewellyn Bowen? Hold on, he's not a popstar. He picks out cushions! Oh, hold on, he DJs on Classic FM. OH! Meatloaf and LLB are the JUDGES. This is weird.
OK, now HERE are the contestants. First, Jimmy Osmond. He's not the good one, is he? He's like the Stephen Baldwin of the Osmonds. He looks happy-clappy, like he's going to try and sell you some life insurance. I don't really want to look at him, to be honest.
How am I meant to tell if the singing is good? I don't really understand opera singing, I'm under 50. I'll just go back to castigating personalities.
Meatloaf's first comment was 'that dog was hunting.' Has he gone all Randy Jackson? Talking of American Idol, did you see it? POSH! You scrawny old scrote. She looked like she was trying to arrange her facial expressions to look as unself-conscious as possible; so much so she forgot to give any advice whatsoever. Plus, she failed. She looked awkward and desperate. Get off my screen, you useless old twig. I miss Paula!
I digress. Kym Marsh is next. Does she even still speak to Myleene? Myleene, step away from the kitchen knives. I like Kim Marsh. She seems normal in personality and has a woman's figure. Her voice sounded pretty good to me. This opera singing lark is a piece of piss. Hmm, the old Hearsay crew did seem a bit frosty, like Myleene was trying a bit too hard and Kym couldn't really be fucked with her. But I could be talking out of my arse.
Myleene: 'And for the next contestant, from Blur, who else, Alex James!' Er... Damon Albarn? He was the singer, after all! Alex James was just a smug cunt on bass, as opposed to the smug super-cunt of a lead singer. So he's definitely at a disadvantage, considering he can't sing in the first place. This will be a good chance for all those Orange Unsigned acts to get their revenge on him (he was a judge on it!)
It loathes me to say it but he's not looking too bad for his age, despite all the cheese. He's still working the floppy fringe. He's definitely thinner than when I saw him at the filming of the unsigned show. Maybe he's been on the LowLow.
Alex: 'I'm not giving up the day job'. What is your day job exactly? You're not in Blur anymore. You're just a rich twat making cheese. Just admit it. Actually, he does admit it, I saw him on Cribs once and he was quite proud of it, he was helping run the annual cheese awards, or something. It was bizarre.
OMG! That performance was the funniest thing ever! Alex is the Jedward/Chico of this show! He's got this maniac look in his eye and he's playing air guitar! WTF?! How to blow what very, very little cool you had in one massive swoop! The audience were all laughing at him! Lololololololololololol x a billion! If this is on youtube, look it up immediately, I implore you.
Myleene: 'He lives in a house in the country!' Alex, you have officially sold out. Ta-ra!
Next up is the woman from Shakespeare's Sister! I used to have their album on tape and I used to cane it, but if you'd asked me yesterday, I would not have been able to name that big hit they had (Stay). It's weird how some things just fall out of your brain: I can remember every word of Ugly Kid Joe's 'I Hate Everything About You' (!) Shakespeare's sister has got a turkey neck. I like her hair, though.
Alan Tichmarsh just spoke! He's not said a word for about 45 minutes. Is he getting paid for this shit?
Next is Danny Jones from McFly. I think he's the one who shagged Lindsay Lohan. I should know, he goes on about it often enough in all the low rent magazines I read. He looked like he was going to laugh the whole way through his song. Shame he wasn't as funny as Alex James. Christ this dude is ugly. Can he really be in a boy band? Oh there's the other one in the audience. I take it all back, Danny looks like R.Pattz in comparison.
Talking of bands with no charisma, next is someone from The Saturdays. I've never heard one of their songs. Six top ten singles? And I've not heard one! I am getting old. WOW, she's got a lot of make-up on.
OMG, Darius! Now we're talking. I love Darius. He looks old! That makes me feel old. He looks like he should be sitting by a bar smoking cigarettes and drinking shots in some black and white film. He was quite good actually! Go, Darius! Nessan Dorma it up. Don't crawl up the judges arse, Darius. Meatloaf, sit down, you're making a show of yourself. £50 says Kathryn's not sitting next to him next week. Wow, that Orlando guy has got some amazing eyebrows.
Shit this show is endless. I wonder if opera fans are watching this bemoaning the state of the songs they've chosen. 'Oh, not this one again...'
Last up is Bernie Nolan, who's not the one off Loose Women. Zzzzz. Another turkey neck, but be fair, she's probably about 80.
So in the bottom two were Alex and The Saturdays twonk. And they ditched Alex! Folly. A million unsigned bands cheer. Alex looked quite gutted. He was sent home with a bunch of flowers. You can't make cheese out of that.
Christ, I feel like I've just through about five hours of that. It was epic, and not in a good way. So will I be watching again? Absolutely not! It was total bullshit, and Alex is out, so what's the point? You don't kick out your Jedward. You keep your Jedward until week 6! I'm off for some cheese. Not really, I don't eat cheese! Blap-blergh-bleh, as Morrissey would say. When's Big Brother on?