E20: (Eastenders written by Lady Sovereign for a task)

Do you know what this is? It's Eastenders online spin-off show trying to appeal to the yoof. It aint on telly, right, blud? You can watch it on your phone, innit? Except you can't, because I tried.
OK two people have told me to blog this, so I am, but only because it's only 15 minutes long, so I don't have to suffer unduly. But my unbiased *ahem* opinion is that this will be the only one I watch.
Oh, they've put a drum machine over the theme music. It's like when they changed the Blue Peter theme tune. Talk about diluting the brand.
I'm already annoyed by that girl with the blue hair being in the real Eastenders; so it doesn't bode well. Oh yeah, she's called Zsa Zsa, like Jar-Jar Binks, right? The hair, the name, it's just all so contrived. Just because something's 'for kids' doesn't mean you have to patronise them. They have brains, too.
What is with the awful background music signifying peril? I guarantee you, they will slip that into the real Eastenders before too long. This is a slippery slope. You read it here first.
Oh Christ, this bit about Fatboy and Mercy is truly awful. This makes me pine for Glenda Jackson and Archie Mitchell.
'What you screw-facing me for?' What? Did I say 'only 15 minutes'? Listening to Fatboy going on like some idiot standing in front of you in Dallas Chicken changing his order repeatedly is actually unbearable. 'Yeah, gimme thigh, gimme thigh, nah gimme breast!' Fuck off!
They just said 'whore'! This isn't suitable for kids. That one who shagged Lucy Beale is quite handsome, he looks like he should be in a computer game. Very well-spoken for Albert Square, though.
Why are Zainab and Mo even featuring in this piece of offal? Did they get danger money?
Fatboy to Masood: 'What's up Slumdog?' Racist! And that's coming from me, who just made that Dallas Chicken analogy.
Fatboy's friendship with Manga boy felt about as natural and comfortable viewing as when the cunt from G4 (sorry, that didn't narrow it down, the BLONDE one) tried to chum up to Harvey from So Solid Crew on Celebrity Come Dine With Me by donning some 'bling' and doing a rap. Not cool.
Why is Amira's flat so nice? What does she do for a living anyway? Fuck all as far as I can see. Big up Christian!
Fuck me, that was excruciating, like ten billion times worse than I'd even imagined. And that's BAD. I would definitely avoid it. No, in fact you should have to suffer it as I did, it's only fair.