Big Brother 2015: Clockblocked

I still can't quite wrap my head around this four way eviction. Is it madness or genius? It's definitely got me and my two friends who watch Big Brother (well, one friend and my boyfriend) talking. I can't even look on Twitter to see what other people think, but I can imagine people are going INSANE. It makes no live feed and the odd bit of outside contact look like small fry in comparison. Yet I am now in so deep with Big Brother than nothing shocks me. But now I feel unsure of myself. Should I bother caring about this person or that? They could be gone next week, in a puff of Showbiz.
Which brings us onto Aaron. I was one of the few (it seems) who likes Aaron and when I saw on the app a housemate had been evicted, my first thought was Kieran (no idea why, maybe I'm a closet racist? My girls at Sistah Speak, I'm really not, don't worry.) But no, it was my boy from Northampton. And believe me, it's not the first time someone from Northampton has been thrown out of a house. It's not even the millionth. I've seen it happen. So what did Aaron do? Let's have a guess that Joel is involved, and take it from there.
As time ticks by, get ready for sexual misconduct. Ok, so it didn't look that bad from that. Let's be honest, Aaron's no Conor. It looked like they were just messing about.
This hanging around task etc doesn't seem that interesting when you know half the house is on the outs for no apparent reason than Ted's whim.
How many times do we have to see Pranny saying he's 'just friends' with Sarah? Please God, evict him. I want Sarah and Kieran safe and twins, Chloe, Danny and Harriet to go.
When Marcus says the housemates have no idea what's going on, don't worry, neither do we, and I bet even Marcus reads his script and goes, WTF.
Not being able to read Twitter at the moment (I can't watch the BBCAN final until tomorrow) is KILLING me! I want to gossip about the twist and Aaron! I want to argue with people! I snuck a look at one of the evil twins Twitter today and they said a couple of days ago 'ding dong, the witch is dead.' Weren't there two witches in that film? *insert cackle here*. To be honest though, I don't care about this twist as I'm not invested in any of the six who are now up. If I was, or I'd put a bet on, I'd be FUMING. But then how many times have we wanted to kick four housemates out at once? Still, the way they did it is just weird and fishy. Shouldn't it at least be the nominated housemates for fairness? But then, but then. It's a deadwood clear out. But it's so EARLY! Argh, I just don't know. Perhaps we HAVEN'T seen the best of some of these yet? I feel like I hardly know them.
Also, on the blurb for tomorrow night's show it says four newbies including 'one familiar face' is going back in. It's gotta be Showbiz, innit?
I don't know what to say about this task with Jade and Amy in it. I can't be invested in it when a quarter of the house are leaving tomorrow. It's like on BBUS when they rewind a week. How can you care about that week? It makes people not give a shit. You play with people's emotions and just end up leaving them cold.
It IS good to be able to get rid of people who are sitting back doing fuck all, but then shouldn't it be a vote to SAVE not evict?
That was cruel putting that quote from Danny about Sarah in that task. Plus, who cares if they're both gone tomorrow? Who cares about any of this? I'm so puzzled. I don't know how to feel.
Jade and the twins making up is sickening. Jade without her nemisises (nemisi?) is no good. Then we're just back to meditation and her general big headed shit.
I can't cope with Danny. I'm gonna have to pay to evict him, which is annoying.
Nick has got a tennis court, a swimming pool and horse-riding stables. And they say he's not going to make a success of his life. He's like Jordan or one of her new husbands! He's made it!
Jack whining that he knows about the nominations. Lucky he doesn't know four are going, or he'd be twice as red in the face. Four times as red. Don't worry, Jack, there won't be that many people around to have a go at you on Friday. All your mates will be evicted.
So Aaron's demise starts with spin the bottle. Figures. It's normally a bottling in Northampton. Why am I always on the side of the sex pest? It's like Jeremy all over again.
Joel: 'I'd rather kiss Aaron on the bottom.' The others shouldn't hassle Joel to kiss Aaron, but the fact it's such a big deal to him says it all. Joel is very conflicted person and I don't think kicking Aaron out is going to help because he's going to blame himself (and no, it's not his fault if he did get sexually assaulted.)
Nick is journeying already. Dexter mistimed his journey and the rest was history. 'I'm a good person.' Dangerous words! Jack is so stupid, going 'trust me, you'll be fine.' You're blowing it.
Why is Joel in the bath with Aaron now, if he's too scared to kiss him? Joel checking with Aaron if he's got a boyfriend. Aaron is all over the place with Joel. 'Do you ever get lonely?' and how quicky Joel said no. This was just a car crash waiting to happen; a closet case and someone as out as Aaron. Aaron: 'Have you got any gay friends?' How does Joel not know any gay people? How can he come out if he doesn't know anyone like him?' Aaron: 'I've thrown you right in the deep end.' I'll say. 'That wine went straight to my head tonight.'
Ok so Joel is in bed and Aaron wiggles his naked arse at him. Big Brother should have called him in at that point! Nick went 'show him' and 'Joel loves it'! Argh! I do feel a bit sorry for Joel in his rotten dressing gown. Harriet was getting involved, too, pushing Aaron on Joel.
'Flashing his ding dong'! Dear God. The thing is, Joel does love it a bit. And not a bit. Joel did say 'Please stop it' and 'please return to your bed right now'.They are fairly clear instructions.
It's definitely sexual harassment, that's for sure. The others are all encouraging it, though. Joel has been a reasonably good sport so far. Couldn't Big Brother have gone 'stop that' like they do on BBCAN? They let it happen cos they wanted it to happen.
Joel was laughing but it was so awkward. I can see that he felt very awkward. Aaron must know he's a closet case. But Aaron can't handle his drink, that's the problem. plus Aaron thinks people are as open minded as him, and they're not. They're quite the opposite.
Big Brother left it WAY too long to call him. Aaron wasn't trying to do something mean. Big Brother let Aaron get in Joel's bed when they could see Joel was uncomfortable. They let Aaron basically mount Joel naked. 'You need to control your behaviour' is true, but also, Big Brother needed to control Aaron's behaviour, because Aaron was too drunk to control it.
I think Joel felt embarrassed. I think Joel felt a bit like what it's like to feel like a girl on the end of unwanted advances. And I don't think he liked it.
Aaron knew as soon as he was called in, he was in the shit. You can tell he was drunk as hell. I don't think Aaron 'offended' anyone, or the public, I think he humiliated Joel and certainly crossed the line, but I think he could have stayed.
Ah, Joel WAS the death knell in the end. I knew how Joel responded would sway it. He said, 'I felt really uncomfortable and I would have ended up punching him.' When he said his personal space was invaded that was true, but when he said 'I'm very comfortable with my sexuality as a straight guy' I'm sorry but that's a lie. Truth is, Aaron hit a nerve. Joel: 'I did nothing to welcome or entice that approach.' Except for have a bubble bath with Aaron just before. And I hate saying that, because I know he has them with Jack and Nick, but there's a different vibe with Aaron, that conversation they were having was different, it just was. And Joel saying his personal space was violated were the nails in Aaron's coffin. I think Joel did get a shock. I think Joel got a taste of how it is to be a woman, and I hope he takes that to Parliament with him. I believe him when he says he didn't know how to react. Sometimes you don't in situations like that. And maybe Joel does want Aaron gone, and this is a good excuse to get rid of him. And you can't really blame him. I know I'm contradicting myself every other sentence because I have really mixed feelings about this.
It WAS Joel who got Aaron kicked out. If Joel had played it down more, Aaron would have stayed. If Big Brother had stepped in sooner, Aaron would have stayed. None of the housemates thought Aaron was being inappropriate. But he WAS and to be honest, it only matters what Joel thinks, as the victim, I guess. Plus Aaron must know what the fucking rules are! Argh, how could be be so stupid? Why did no one in the house think to tell him to stop it?
Argh, it's a nightmare. I know people will call me a hypocrite. But it's NOT as clear cut as to say, well what if it was a woman? If a naked man was grabbing a woman, others would step in, but because it was two guys, everyone was laughing, so then the goalposts are moved somewhat, so you can't compare the two. You just can't. There were so many other factors at play here.
Was really sad when Aaron got kicked out. He knew he was getting 'Daley'ed.
BB should have 'intervened' EARLIER. As they should have with Hazel and Daley.
Aaron was genuinely sorry. 'I'm sorry, mum.' Aw. He didn't want his journey to end like this. I didn't either.
See you in shoe town, Aaron.

Big Brother 2015: I'm that close to nailing someone

I couldn't resist blogging tonight after seeing the 'twist' ie. the blatant fix to save Jade. What's that, everyone who WASN'T nominated is NOW nominated? Makes perfect sense, right? If you're a crazy person. But do you know what, the producers, AKA Ted, is right because the idiot general public (t.m.) don't know their arse from the elbow and would have evicted Queen Jade, because they don't understand entertainment when it smacks them in the face (see Adjoa for more details).
Don't get me wrong, I don't like Jade. But I like her a damn sight more than the Busto twins, possibly the vilest twins in Big Brother history, beating off stiff competition from Jack and Joe, the Sugar Sisters and those twin twist fuckers from BBUS. And don't even start dissing Jedward, I love Jedward (and Samanda, naturally).
I may not LIKE Jade, but Jade is entertaining me from the tips of her toes to the stream of crap that comes out of her mouth. I like the way she sits in the Diary Room chair. I like the way she tried to get off with Christian when Nick deserted her without so much as a sideways glance. I liked the way she said her evictions were 'a walk in the park' when Eileen tried to side swipe her. And as for people going 'poor innocent Nick', you need to get a fucking GRIP! If you believe him when he goes 'I'm young, I'm impressionable, blah blah' when he goes in there with a VT saying he's a pure arsehole, you must be thicker than Danny. He is a FULL TIME gamer. He is playing the house a good 'un, and he's playing the audience a good 'un, and he's playing THE GAME a good un. Don't misunderstand me, I respect him for it! But lets not pretend he's an innocent little boy. He knew what he was getting into with Jade, and he enjoyed those cuddles, and he knew the price that came with them. Well, you gotta pay the bill, Nick! And it won't be YOU getting booed and heckled and burnt at the stake when you leave. It will be Jade. So excuse me if I save my tears for...er, no one, actually.
I also hate Eileen now, and Joel is a dodgy one, although intriguing. And don't quote me on this, but I've warmed to Cristian this week. He's kept his head down and his mouth shut, unlike Danny, who's so stupid, he makes Harriet look like Stephen Hawking.
Anyway, on with the show. And learn your lesson; if you can't be trusted to vote the right way, you won't be allowed to vote. Not fair? Big Brother has never been fair. Did you not see Conor walk out that door with that 50K, for fuck's sake? And you're moaning about this! Get your priorities right. This is fun and games compared to that shit. That's the timebomb for you. That's showbiz, baby.
Ooh a futuristic task! I love the future. Big Bot? That's not very cool. Big Botty!
Fuck me, it's 2050 and they're still wheeling out the electric shock suits. Is this what the future looks like? Bring on Robocop. And Iris sounds like she's running out of batteries.
I don't mind this task. It's like shitstir, with a twist. 'The majority', it's like a BBUS task. I don't think Aaron goes on dates as such. But nice of them to all call him a slut. And they said Joel would take the prize money, ha.
How is Nick going to be the least successful when he's got a swimming pool? He's already won life.
Why is Nick so anti Aaron in this task? Boo.
Harriet failed the task by running her yap. Jack: 'I've just worn this and looked like a fucking twat for nothing.' Yeah, cos you normally look so damn hot.
Jack: 'I hope they have butter in the future.' Don't worry about it, because you'll be dead by then.
I love Aaron! Why all the hate for him? I think he has a very sweet side. He looks like a little boy in the Diary Room chair.
Harriet: 'Everyone talks behind everyone's back' she says, talking behind Aaron's back.
That is bollocks that Aaron 'relayed' that conversation to Eileen. He was just trying to be nice to her.
Nick spitting out the 'journey' card like a young Dexter Koh. Jade has brought out her supersonic bitch and there's no going back.
Joel: 'Does it cost a lot for a prostitute?' Keiran: '£60 an hour plus extras.' He seems to know a lot about it. Why does that not surprise me? £60 sounds pretty cheap, he's obviously going to a high quality place. But are we talking future prices or current? Joel: 'Could you get her to clean your house afterwards?' Don't you mean 'him'? Joel is full of big questions. It's almost like he's trying to work out who his is: because he is.
So in the future food will be blue? Why exactly? Honestly, the eating tasks are so BORING! I can't bear it. Shitstir task, eating task, shitstir task, eating task. Do they ever spend a fucking penny on these tasks?
Eileen is failing her lollipop task badly. Also, watching her lick/suck things is grotesque. Some of these people are getting a much rawer deal than others, Aaron's task was much worse. Hasn't he suffered enough, growing up in Northampton? Also, Nick is getting on my nerves, giving Aaron side-eye. Leave my Aaron alone.
I don't know why they always show Chloe in the DR. She's so fucking boring.
Jade is now talking to herself; Nick will be well jel, that's his power move, and she's stealing it.
Jade boowooing in the 'sky room'; Jade: 'I'm that close to nailing someone.' Don't make promises you can't keep. We knew you were never gonna nail anyone in the house. Keiran's fucking counselling service needs to go out of business, fast.
Sarah and Danny: worst 'showmance' in history?
Jade is now wailing in the DR. Geni-whine-ly, indeed! I wish Jade would blow up on Joel because he's a little weasel.
Nick: 'Jade's my best friend.' Joel: 'I hate Jade.' Don't worry, Nick hated her yesterday, too. I hate Joel's Hitler hair, his dressing gown, his rude questions, his value judgements about sex and women and sexuality.
Ha, Aaron picks up where I left off: 'Why do you know all the words to Miss Congeniality?' to Joel. Enough said. 'There's nothing wrong with it, just embrace it.' Joel didn't protest too much, did he? If he was actually straight, he probably would.
So here's the twist. The non-nominated housemates face eviction. Why? No one knows. Oh, to save Jade. But now they want to save Jack. Jack should save his immunities until there's less people there! He knows he's popular (for now).
So, who's up? Twins, Chloe, Danny, Harriet, Keiran and Sarah. Hold on, did Marcus just say FOUR housemates would face eviction? What the fuck?! I certainly fancy losing four of these rather than four of the original nominees, but seriously, four? Was that a mistake?
If not, then JackJoe was right to save his immunities! Four! OK, my four to evict would be twins, Danny, Harriet and Chloe. Keep Keiran and Sarah. But who cares what I think? Whatever way you look at it, there's no way the Skylar twins can survive a four-way eviction. They're GONERS. Along with the integrity of the game, lol.

Big Brother 2015: Pussy off

Evening all! It's been a long week on Borehamwood Towers and I haven't had the energy to blog. Yet here I am, on a Friday night. I'm so cool.
Emma Willis looks cute. Has she got a new stylist? I liked Noel Gallagher on stylists: 'for people who've forgotten how to dress themselves.' It's a fair comment.
Not sure yellow is Sarah's colour, and Adjoa's hair seems to be channelling Diana Ross (racist). At least we can trust Eileen to look normal, lol.
Is Aaron sexually harrassing Joel? I think he is. But I think Joel likes it. If not, Joel needs to make it clear he doesn't. Otherwise, I'm calling him 'open'. A virgin? Sounds like a closet case to me. I don't get all these virgins. What do they spend their teen years doing?! I like Aaron, he's a great housemate. Top notch entertainment. Northampton FTW! Shame he's going to get evicted in about 10 seconds flat the first chance he goes up.
Sarah has had a flannel wash. I wonder where she put the flannel after? I haven't used a flannel in years. They're like tea towels for the face. Unhygienic. I don't want Sarah to go! But I don't want the others to go either! I hate you JackJoe, you annoying twerp.
Nick: 'Do you hate fakeness?' to Jade about Eileen. Personally, I love it.
Not another shitstir task, oh I mean, a debate. Jade has been sent from Hell to get on my last nerve. Nick: 'I hate public speaking.' What's going on Big Brother if not public speaking?
Jade: 'There's only room for one spiritual person in this house.' Doesn't sound too spiritual to me! Spiritual one upping. Mind you, that sounds like most religions actually.
LOL to Danny vs Harriet. Thick on thick crime. 'Fuck off', 'No you fuck off' ha. Mature! I hope one of them punches the other one. Actually, similtaneously so we can ditch both of them. Do a Jeremy, please.
Harriet playing the 'I'm a lady!' card. I was midway through writing a tweet saying she was going to say it before she said it. Pathetic. You're not a woman. You're not even a human. This was swiftly cancelled out by Danny saying she should 'show him respect' as a man. These two make pond life look sophisticated. Amoebas have more chutzpah.
Well, the producers got what they wanted, all out war. I'm enjoying Adjoa's sheer shirt/pink bra combo. Adjoa to Keiran: 'If you've been to Tenerife, you've been to Elevenerife.' Classic. I hope that line is enough to save her!
One of the Busto twins looks like her head is about to pop off. Not sure what about. I'm sure she's got a good reason, lol. Her boyfriend is going to be jealous of Joel or something? God knows. They're probably missing Twinnie Towers. Don't worry Twin Boyfriend, Joel is gay as a window.
Joel calling Aaron fake! How dare he when the botox bitches are in that house! Did Aaron call one of the twins a two faced bitch? If so, crown him the winner immediately.
Joel is being a right dick to Aaron. He's pulling his pigtails essentially.
Why is Danny dressed like a snooker player? He's forgotten to sew on his BetFred patch.
Jade vs Eileen, ding ding. Ahhh... who cares?
Friends and family can fuck off. The racist public booing Adjoa's friend. Sick. Christ, look at Eileen's friend. How come she doesn't get booed? I am getting really pissed off now. What has Adjoa done? Oh I know... she's BLACK! And she's gay as well! Makes you proud to be British, doesn't it? UKIP generation. Jim-to-win fans. Suck it up.
Danny 'don't like being belittled.' I love it myself.
I don't care about this row between Jade and Eileen. Dull as fuck. Although I did like Eileen saying 'I'm not even bloody spiritual!' Ha. She should have told Jade that. Nah, actually let her sweat.
I love Keiran always trying to be peacemaker. 'You can bring a donkey to a well but you can't make it drink.' Genius. He could be my dark horse (not in a racist way!)
Spin the bottle. Standard. Aaron: 'How big is your cock?' to Danny. 'It's average.' This means he's got a maggot, right?
Does this Amy fancy Joel? They are playing chase. Is she in a love triangle with him and Aaron? She looks like their mum.
Who's face is redder, Jack normally or Twin A or B when she's shouting about god knows what? There's only one way to find out etc. FIGHT!
Jack's arse crack. Dear God. That's the podcast image sorted then. GIF websites across the UK just crashed under the weight of Jack's enormo buttocks.
Adjoa is so beautiful! Nick holding hands with Eileen lol. I literally can't believe Adjoa is out. Pathetic. I am disgusted with the alleged great British public. Pure fuckeries. Seriously. Have a word with yourselves.
Adjoa: 'I know exactly who I am.' I love that in a person. You weren't first out, you've forgotten Showbiz. Are they seriously shouting 'off' at Adjoa? Well one racist man is? I hope he dies on the way home. Glastoeve on Twitter summed it up the best 'Channel 5, sort out your disgusting baying mob.'
The men evicted Adjoa cos they couldn't fuck her. And the crowd are shouting at her cos they can't fuck her.
Glad Adjoa gave it back to them a bit. She was ROBBED. Criminal she's gone. She was great in her interview.
And then Jade picked Nick and Aaron for something or other. Oh, Maccys and KFC. Frankly, I don't give a shit. Jade is sucking the crap out of Nick's game. And I think Aaron said the food was cold, lol. Nothing worse than cold fries!
And yes, I'm saving the obvious Adjoa pun for the podcast... coming tomorrow as Mr Bile is working tonight! See you then.

Big Brother 2015: Carget on your Jack

Emma is looking fiiiine tonight. Still, no excuse for the way she treated Hazel, lol.
So it seems to me whoever we vote to win is gonna have to kick someone out tonight. That could be a double edged sword. It's a short journey from top of the tree to out the door on your ear; that's showbiz etc.
Eileen: 'Morning great British public.' I think you meant idiot general public. Strawberry jam-alogy.
Why is Aaron crying, cos Chloe doesn't like him? Who cares. I don't even know who Chloe is. I like Aaron's PJ bottoms, they're like technicolour bricks.
Aaron is blowing Chloe's mind with his frilly socks and 'trainers with tails' on. You don't get that in Doncaster. Well in Northampton that's considered conservative.
LOL Joel has to go on the exercise bike ala Calum. Is that five hundred bananas in the basket? This task is cheap as fuck.
Christian taking his top off to go on that bike is groo. He makes me SICK.
'Got a really good rack on her, innit.' Great chat up line, Keiran.
Jade: 'Danny's soul is so gentle.' Er, OK. Get your buttcheeks off the diary room chair, Gary Busey wouldn't get away with that. Where's James Jordan when you need him?
Ted is shooting paintballs at Aaron. Another cheap as fuck task, they probably had that dry wipe board out the back. Numberwang!
Gary Busey pretending to be afraid of balloons was better. Who's really scared of balloons? I believe those people who jerk off with balloons more.
Troll talk; one of the twins has got a baggy fanny and a lopsided face. And that's the attractive one. Wait til you come out! There'll be so many trolls under your bridge you and your sister will be trip-trapping all the way to The Priory, faster than Billy Goats Gruff.
Nick admitting to being a troll, lol. We want to know who he trolled! He's kicking his gameplan up a notch. He shouldn't say that though as it gives people a reason to vote for you.
Does Danny wear fake tan? No, he's naturally orange. Bitch, please.
Technotronics with fish guts? Why has she got goggles on? Health and safety? What is it in the bucket? I don't know what's going on. Where's Maaaaark when you need him?
Danny will hereforth be known as canoe. With an upside down U. That's his nickname sorted at least. We thought 'misogyny' would have been better but the cunt can probably spell that as he's got an A in it.
'Who are ya!' The new 'You fell over!' I fell over at work the other day and both my shoes fell off. Stylish.
Jack and Joe....l are in the bath. LOL to Joel chucking a drink over Aaron. A friend of mine isn't speaking to me for doing that to someone last week. I think in the bath you get a pass, though. You're wet anyway. WARNING! Call Offcom etc.
They had to draw the line at chucking around the maxi muscle though. Cristian stepped in to save it, like a poor man's Luke Scrace.
I like that Joel, he's kind of cheeky. 20 minutes in bed is fine! He's gonna get slung out on his ear within the week.
Adjoa's finger fucking chat is amazing. She's pretty to the point. Chloe: 'Where do you find 'em?' 'All over.'
Do people really say pussy? LOL. I don't, it's gross. Adjoa is a self-proclaimed 'black gay.' I love her.
Cristian working out with a pillow on his back was brilliant - a reverse Jay McCrae. This has picked up in the last ten minutes.
Bhahaha Cristian the Maxi Muscle merchant is crying because the girls were picking on him! LOLZ. OMG even Danny's slagging him off. Brilliant. What's wrong with him!? What a big girls' blouse. (Sexist). Him crying in the Diary Room with his sunnies on was pure joy.
So the vote to win is between Jack, Harriet and Danny. I don't even know who Harriet is, so how is that possible? Also, Danny. Er...
Harriet, shut your yap and listen FFS. I love the way my boyfriend walks out the room as Big Brother is going 3...2...1 and I have to pause it. Very considerate! Get my permission before you leave the room, please!
Jackjoe is the winner. Who will he evict? The series is over! If only, lol.
I like Aaron's pool ball outfit. That's hundo percent chic.
They're giving JackJoe a carget. Iris has had a demotion to a ten inch TV. Come back Pauline, all is forgiven.
JackJoe is so red in the face. Does he really think he's gonna get a BMW! Poor sod. He's gotta leave now to get it! Take the car and go. That would be too funny. Hold on, he can't even drive. As if they make the prize fund drop to nothing. Nonsense. That twist was whack. Should have made him evict someone on the spot. Oh, hold on.
Nick looks sick at having to nom face to face. He's always shaking, bless him. Feel sorry for him.
Nick nommed Adjoa and Sarah! Boo! Two strong women! Cos Sarah's a golddigger! Should have put Jack up cos he's got immunity and he's too popular! Flush out the immunity! Silly sod. Sarah took it quite well. She'll probably machete his balls off before the week is out.
Bilecast coming! See you then.

Big Brother 2015: I'm not at home

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Big Brother 2015: I like pussy

So, what did our scrap of live feed reveal? Adjoa is one to watch, there's something intriguing about her. Danny and Cristian are the new 'slutbuckets'/Jungle Cats, ie. sexist pricks. I quote: 'What's the fucking point of putting single women in here?' Yeah, what is the point in birds you can't bang, hey? Might as well be dead. Cristian actually reminds me of Kris, aka the Mighty Douche, that cunt who used to work in All Saints and was trying to fuck Princess Manky Teeth, who was in Rex's year. Watching him try and construct a conversation with JackJoePieface was criminal. 'Where'd you know your friends from, school?' Mint bantz right there. I think he's also a bit of a homophobe: 'men don't share beds' - grow up. The other comparison is of course, Ricci from Celebrity Big Brother. And you know fine well how that turned out. Who's casting this show?!
So how much recap are we going to have to eat? I can't believe I missed 'is that your real voice' yesterday. Blog writing fail. They are rattling through the housemates, and they really need to. So. many. people.
Joel: 'a better looking Leonardo Dicaprio'. Not hard to muster that up these days, Leo looks like a fat tramp, and hanging round all those young models doesn't help. Have a fucking shave, for Christ's sake.
What's the point of all these housemates who don't drink, more like. Don't drink, don't fuck, what do they fucking do?
LOL to Showbiz going 'You look like Sinitta' to Adjoa. I wonder how often black people have to hear 'you look like *someone who looks fuck all like you*' a week? Big Brother really is a microcosm of how women have to cope in society, how black people have to cope and how gay people have to cope with pricks like Danny and Cristian and Adjoa is all three, so she really has her work cut out in that house.
Aw to Nick pretending managing a McDonalds is cool. He seems really sweet. My boyf thinks Nick is going to go deep and have a 'journey'. I hope so. He has got Dexter/Ben Duncan vibes and that's no bad thing.
Andrew: 'I just blow shit up.' Hopefully his game! What a knob. Football! Lowest common denominator conversation for men with nothing else to say for themselves. If a taxi driver tries to talk to my boyfriend about football, he won't even engage with it. I have to talk about it! I know fuck all about it, except the usual (racists, sexists, wifebeaters etc).

A friend on Twitter has just pointed out to me that football idiot is not called Andrew. Hopefully I won't have to learn his name. He's so fucking boring there'll be nothing to write about anyway.
Nick is possibly a true gamer with all this humble crap. The boy could go far. As long as he doesn't try and you know, have sex with Cristian because boys don't share beds. And Cristian is so smoking hot he will turn straight men gay, or so he obviously thinks.
My boyf thinks Simon going was a fix but how can it be when they offered them the Deal or no Deal swap, too? I'm really pleased Adjoa was saved, you know. I think she's going to be good value.
LOL to Jade crying at Simon going. I'd be thanking Jesus.
'He was too much of a good housemate to be go.' Who said that?! Ha. Adjoa should be pleased she's not gone, not coveting JackJoe's immunity.
Why IS Aaron wearing a zebra outfit?! He's going in the 'eek' pile.
I like Adjoa asking Jade if she has children, ha. Jade is basically saying she's 'open' to women and then Adjoa goes 'you don't want to feel their pussy and that?' Told you she was one to watch. Classic BB.
Nick is 19! No wonder he hasn't got a job. Its not like he's 28 or something. I was unemployed when I was 19 too, I just didn't have a swimming pool and I watched Jerry Springer instead of cartoons.
Oh dear, politics chat. This is head in hands stuff. Joel admits he's a Tory. Better than UKIP, I suppose, although, you know, basically the same thing.
LOL to Sarah laughing in Cristian's face when he said he was a rapper. Quality.
So Adjoa says she's a lesbian and someone goes 'so you don't like boys at all?' Do you understand what a fucking lesbian is? I love the way she said 'I like pussy.' She's brilliant. It's so offensive when people say 'Have you tried sleeping with guys.' Have YOU, Keiran? Shut the fuck up then. She knows her own mind, just like you do, why should she have to explain herself? Talk about straight privilege.
I just like the way Adjoa is, she's just in her own little world. Criminal to think she had a 50/50 chance of leaving. Everyone's going 'what a great first night twist' but I don't think it was worth it, or it could have not been, let's put it that way.
Oh here we go with Cristian not wanting to share a bed with Nick. 'Guys don't sleep in the same bed.' What about gay guys? Cristian is revolting in more ways than one. Is he 12?
Adjoa is on heat. She even seems turned on by Eileen's tattoo.
LOL they are showing this awks conversation with Cristian and JackJoe. Pieface: the origin story. Cristian *deadpan*: 'I don't have a nickname.' I'm sure we can think of one, writing Cristian repeatedly without the 'h' is driving me bananas anyway. Mind you, I'm not exactly shocked his mum couldn't spell with this mastermind for a son.
Keiran is bugging me, but he's got nothing on Showbiz, so we need to be grateful for small mercies.
This Danny prick is getting on my nerves as well, in his Kylie hood thinking he's a baddass. 'Aaron is sketchy.' Why? Because he's gay? He doesn't like Sarah either because even though she's 'a good looking bird' she's 'bossy' ie. she won't fuck him. I liked her rolling her eyes at him: because he's a knob.
So now Danny can judge Sarah for having a baby as well. I heard him on the live feed saying she shouldn't leave her baby for 10 weeks, the sexist twat. No one would bat an eye if a guy did that.
They are all hating on JackJoe for his immunity. No one would nominate him anyway so who cares? I like JackJoe better than Jack and Joe, but then I like White Dee better that I liked Jack and Joe, so it's not saying much.
Why is Cristian sitting on the bed with Nick? Oh my god, that's so gay! Is he a shirtlifter (t.m. Jim Davidson) or something? His friends are gonna be giving him such a ribbing down the cunt shop when he gets out.
The next person who mentions football - just kill me. I can't bear it.
Adjoa is hot for Sarah. Jade: not so much. She is not connecting energies with Sarah. I'd rather talk about football that 'energy.' Next it'll be crystals, then the meditation and then probably fucking starsigns or something.
Aaron is upset that Simon has gone as he 'could have been a good leader' - what?! Only if you want to be led into musical theatre.
Danny having a go at Aaron again: 'He takes a lot of getting used to.' The homophobia is seeping out of you, along with the sexism. You should see a doctor for that, straight boy. 
The jungle prats are playing 'snog marry avoid' basically. They think they could get with the twins even though they have boyfriends. Did they learn nothing from Ash and Marlon's absolutely not fantastic 'slutbuckets' chat? These two are so stupidly offensive that I'm finding them enjoyable: yet they'll carry on like this and still get cheered when they leave because, well, you know, idiot general public, innit? But any woman who leaves who's good looking or wearing a skirt? Well they're just slags, aint they? Just birds for fucking. Any hole's a goal etc. And so it begins.

Big Brother 2015: Launch night - Tick tick boom

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The Voice: Live shows

Hello! I've been a big blog-dry lately but with Big Brother on next week, I thought it was time to get back in the saddle. So these are the live shows? What was the rest of it? I've actually been enjoying The Voice in a very much brain-off sort of a way. The shows are too long, though. And I'd probably enjoy this show more if they hadn't ditched the people I liked pretty much every single round.
Jessie J's bald head suits her, which is surprising as she's got a face like a shovel. Jessie J really reminds me of a dying Jade Goody lately, and the bald head isn't helping. RIP.
Holly's gone for strapless, which is brave. I don't think curvy girls can do strapless, but I'd hate to comment on all the WOMEN'S appearances without slagging off the men. Trouble is, the men are so boring in their appearances that they're barely worth mentioning. What is Reggie doing there again? At least for once it's a man in an utterly pointless supporting role.
I like this Matt guy who looks a bit like will.i.am (no he DOES, I'm not being racist). I like his clothes and he appears to have some real talent. Why are they putting him on first?! Dear Lord, what is this song they've give him? Dreadful. It's like something the Lion King, except not catchy. The song choices have been awful for weeks. They were meant to be able to choose their own songs last week, and the judges just railroaded them into picking the songs they wanted, or just wouldn't put them through to spite them. Tom Jones: 'he kicked it.' Kicked what? The bucket? It was duff, let's just admit it. Jessie J did a boo-boo.
Next up: a Welsh person Tom Jones put through. This is news right up there with Louis Walsh putting an Irish person through. They just ask for the passport and the person doesn't even bother having to sing. Oh, no, sorry, he's Jessie's, my mistake. Can't we have a break from looking at Jessie, please?
This is that fat dude. They've put him in a shirt reminiscent of when Violet Beauregarde blows up in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Is anyone going to do a song we've heard of? This is like me being a judge and getting my acts to all do obscure early Conor Oberst tracks. Simon Cowell wouldn't let this shit fly.
I think Sarah is absolutely beautiful and she was really good last week. Jessie has given out another dire song, like a slowed-down disco song, and put her in some disgusting shiny leggings. She's never going to get through with a song choice like that. Cruel.
So Jessie gets to put one of her own acts though? Why? Why can't we choose now? Jessie J telling the audience off for enjoying themselves. Typically, she put through the person I like the least, Ash. If she hates something, I'm guaranteed to love it and vice versa.
Next up is team Tom... and Alys. Remember Leanne Mitchell who won last year? Well she's like her. Yet another song I've never heard of. I haven't known one song yet. I mean, I know doing Mariah Carey's Hero is a bit old hat, but could we have something middle ground? Something from the past 15 years that's popular? Tom Jones said 'if Alys does touch you emotionally you need to get your emotions looked at.' Tell it to your wife, bitch. I so LOVE someone going on incessantly about their kids.
Next up is Joseph. I'm really getting bored now. His voice isn't bad. Is he a superstar? No.
Next is Mike, the guy who looks like a rapper but sings country. Wonderful. We don't have country music here! Not a niche that needs filling. Go away. Tom Jones looks like he's nodding off in the old people's home again. Tom put through country dude. Zzzz.
Next up is Andrea... oh, God. Lovely voice, shame about the personality and the hair. Mind you, she is blind, the hair isn't really her fault. Seriously, who is styling her? She always looks like she's about to go to the wedding of someone she doesn't like. Danny is bopping about as if something amazing is happening. It isn't. She has a nice voice. That's it. There's no X Factor here, I'm afraid. To say otherwise is patronising. Well done, Andrea, you chose a song. And Danny will put you through. Next!
Mitchell 'loves rock music'. Last week he sung Lady Ant-whatherface, the one about being drunk and making a booty call. I thought that song was a joke the first time I heard it. He also murdered something else recently but I can't remember what it was. Ah... he's reimaging 'Radioactive' by Imagine Dragons. I only like 'It's Time' by them. That song is so good and then all their others are a bit blah. Ooh, they've put wub wubs on it. HE'S GOT RIPPED JEANS ON. He must be rock. CASE CLOSED. His hair is too fine to be rock. Danny's gurning is better best forgotten. Holly had to apologise because Mitchell said 'Jesus Christ.' Are we that sensitive? Dear me. He's not 'a rock star'. He's a pub singer.
I still have no clue why this Karl guy got put straight through last week. He's like a fat Ray Quinn. It's like when Arg gets up to sing in TOWIE and I don't even watch that show. He like a sweatier Tommy Duckworth. I like this song and he's RUINING IT! He's putting zero emotion into it. KEY CHANGE. Oh, he's blaming his earpiece for being out of time.
Danny put Andrea though, as I predicted about ten minutes ago. It can't feel good for her to know he's propping her up, I'd rather the public had a say if I were her.
Will's team has the best people; they're more individual. Will is talking gibberish, have his meds kicked in? Leanne aka Chantelle Houghton is good, I like her. She's quite draggy, but there's just something loveable about her. Her performance is super camp; it reminds me of Rylan, but she can sing, too. I don't like the song but at least it's got a bit of drama to it.
Cleo is doing Imagine. Why? It doesn't suit her and it's an awful song. She oversang it. I like her but that was not the right choice for her.
I like Leah, I think she's cute, she reminds me of Shirley Manson. She looks like she should be in Corrie in the 60s. Oh dear Lord, she's doing a slowed down version of I Will Survive, a song that demands to be sung along to. I was singing along to Cake's version in my car earlier. I like her, but Will's song choices were iffy. I hope she DOES survive.
Will is tweeting the person he's putting through. Cos he's an idiot. Oh it's Leah. Cool. Will hasn't quite got this 'being on TV' thing sorted.
That Tyler guy I didn't like last year is back singing an awful song. He looks stoned. Oh and here's the guy who wears horrible vests. We've had Rylan since you, mate, your services aren't required.
Yay, here's Bo Bruce! A person who actually looks like a popstar. Danny is doing a 'blank-what-is-he-thinking' face and singing the words to her song wrong. I'd like to play poker against this guy. He's almost see-through! I REALLY like Bo's album, I've been listening to it loads. Wow, Leanne looks like she's put on about three stone. My boyfriend said she was fat anyway but I didn't remember her looking like Supernanny. Bo blows her out of the water. Oh God, I can't do the results show as well. I just can't. I'm posting this. I'll tweet a comment on the results AS IF YOU CARE.
Come back Big Brother, quick!

Big Brother 9: 'I'd Swap you for Scrabble'

'If there's any fanny in there... I'm gonna nail it'. Still the quote of the series so far- until tonight!
Hehe, I like the fact Lisa was being mean to Kat and Rachel, it's good! Rachel and Kat are totally ostracised in that house at the moment. HAPPY HAPPY HOUSE! Dickheads. I enjoyed seeing Kat crack. Bring Rebecca back!
I love the nomination pod thing: it's a dastardly way to fuck over the nicey-nice people. Put the favourites up! Good plan. I liked hearing them discuss that, it was good fun, like when you get to hear what people are thinking in Eastenders when they do a two-hander sometimes. Luke looked sickened!
I don't want Luke or Darnell to go up! I was pleased Stuart said he wasn't going to vote that way. I like Stuart quite a bit more lately. I just have to try and forget about Princess Manky Teeth and her reign of terror, hard as it is.
Showing the video tapes was amazing. Dale's was pure class. If only PMT WAS still in there for that. He's not a knob, you idiots, he just said it to get on the show!
Maysoon: lives life on the edge! Yeah, on the straight-edge, you dullard.
Rachel's video: flirty, funny... silly. False advertising! Rex was harsh on her though. She's not a liar. She's just a bore. So what if she said 'shit'! It's hardly up there with Alex's 'pow pow pow', is it? They were a bit cruel to her when they came out.
LOVED Mikey saying 'this whole blind thing's just an act, I can see in my VT.'
Dale should have laughed when they quoted him on the 'fanny' thing. Him going 'no way' was ridiculous. Is he that thick he didn't remember? May did nothing in her video. She DID NOT sound like she was well into sex. Rachel did nothing wrong either. Rex was out of order. He totally has a massive grudge against her. I'd have stood up and told him to fuck off. Stand up for yourself! He is a complete bully. 'Caught red handed'- she didn't rape someone Rex, she just hadn't had her spirit broken by you at that point. Give the girl a break.
Having said that 'I'd swap you for Scrabble' was an absolute genius line, best so far, so all is forgiven.

Big Brother 9: 'This Looks Like a Dildo'

I was out watching the filming of Ponderland on Friday, which was jolly good fun. In my absence Big Brother officially died. With Rebecca's departure, it left the house dangerously full of boring bastards, moaning wankers who don't want to be there, and a bunch of people trying so hard to be nice, they become utterly repellent.
I felt so sad when Rebecca went; Luke's reaction to her snogging Mohamed was the most 'real' moment on BB since the whole Ziggy/Chanelle fall out. Luke and Becks were the only interesting thing in the house, because they were honest. She was an arsehole; but she was entertaining. The producers must have been crying their eyes out.
I kind of want Luke to win at the moment; just because he's entertaining in the diary room, and he has the courage to actually say what he thinks. I liked the way he was giving Kat evils today. She would drive me up the wall in there too. He looks like a broken man without Rebecca. His stylish hair has died a death too.
Watching Dale get tortured via chilli was quite amusing. I'm finding Mohamed hard to look at lately. He is the opposite of sexy.
Forty six days left! It will be a MIRACLE if anyone is still watching by the end of it. The constant singing is murderously painful. I feel how Luke looks. Gutted.

Big Brother 9: Down the Rabbit Hole

I like all the clocks, it's quite Dali-esque isn't it? It reminds me of a task Derren did once where he made people pick an object out of loads in a big room like that.
Watching people count in their heads is strangely compelling. Clock heads!
Mikey's voice! ARGH! I'd kill him with a spade. There'd be no option.
Darnell's reaction to being nominated was ridiculous. What do you expect? You've been an arse all week! It's not the housemates fault: it's YOURS. You're acting like a real dick about it. It's not 'too early'. It's TIME! I was embarrassed when he said he expected to go to the end. You're meant to THINK that, not SAY it! It made me want him out big-time. He was totally dismissive of Becks too. She's a human too! She has feelings!
Oh my God, I AGREED with Dale again tonight. Just kill me right now. It is an unpopularity contest. Deal with it. Poor Darnell; 'people don't like me'. Welcome to the world. There's nothing worse than a bad loser. Why is Dale saying he wants to go home now, though? I don't get it.
Lisa finally looked like she was going to snap about the hampers! Yay! Push her over the edge. Make her cry! I want to see it.
Did Rachel really ask Darnell if he was black? How long has she lived in there with him? How can they NEVER have had that conversation? That is downright offensive!
Urgh, Dale listening to Luke and Becks snog! That's not my idea of winning threesome. Her time is up: I don't think even that threesome on the kitchen worktops could save her now.

Big Brother 9: If you want to go, go.

It doesn't seem like a week since last nominations. Darnell IS volatile now. BB is depressing me. I don't want Dale to be liked! It's rub. I can feel a sulk coming on.
I'd actually be quite happy to see the back of Mohamed this week. He isn't happy in there and no one likes him. It would be a crime to lose Becks or Darnell over him.
I liked Mikey telling Rex there was nothing stopping him going home, it was class. My thoughts exactly. It's not prison, just get off your arse, and walk back to your orange girlfriend and pray she forgot about those couple of days when you were trying to get off with Steph. Remember I told you, Rexy.
I was annoyed that Darnell nominated Rebecca and Luke. They are cruel, but at least they're funny.
Why does BB they insist on calling Mikey Michael now, by the way? It's really annoying. I can't believe he hates Kat! What an arse. I hate Kat, but I'm allowed. She offers a lot more than Mikey does, anyhow. I hate it at the moment because I can't even take a side because I hate all the sides.
I hate the way Dale treats Rebecca, but I hate the way Rebecca treats herself too. I just had a quick look at Digital Spy, and it looks like she's going. I don't know why, because she was more popular than Mario, and he was cool.
God, I hate people.

Big Brother 9: 'Can we lick your balls for you?'

Ok, quick catch up. Darnell: what the fuck happened? He went from clear winner to utter dick in a week. When Dale said 'power corrupts' I nearly fell off the bed: it was his most insightful statement in two months. However, Belinda's interview where she said Dale was 'insightful' was beyond belief: he's about as insightful as a blow-up doll.
Rex was also on the cunt-pills in the last few days: I hated him when he said to Rachel, 'you'll always be average'. Maybe she's quite HAPPY being average, Rex, did you ever think that? Not everyone can be a megalomaniac with an ice-cream cone hairdo like you. Very disappointing. Darnell also had a go at Rachel just because it's easy: so I was pleased when Dale stood up for her. However, I can't stomach a Dale win, so please go back to your tongue-lolling retarded-self shortly, please. Becks doing the monkey task: what an absolute quitter she is. She's hopeless. I thought that whole Mo and Kat packing their bags thing was utterly cruel and I felt for them both. Nasty, naughty BB.
So onto tonight. I'm so sick of this Heaven and Hell BULLSHIT. This isn't BB USA (which I have been watching, but I haven't got into it so much yet.)
Why the fuck did Dale pick Maysoon to be in Heaven AGAIN? She's shit! It's not very fair on Sarah or Lisa (Mikey can go fuck himself, frankly). It's not like Rex is exactly grateful to be in Heaven again.
Why did Mo start on Mikey? I'm confused. There is a serious case of cabin fever/ bad attitude in the house today. Mo and Darnell could easily get booted at any given moment. Why is there NO ONE I like in the house at the moment? My favourites at the moment are people like bloody LISA, for God's sake.
Dale brought up the old favourite: 'talking with his dick out' phrase again. Lovely! Bless him, he didn't know what 'antithesis' means.
Lisa made me laugh saying WWJD? Rex when right back into my good books when he said 'Rebecca and Jesus should not be in the same sentence.'
Rebecca didn't do much for feminism when she went and did topless star jumps in the garden at Dale's request. I don't know who described her as a 'horror show' but it wasn't very nice. I bet her parents enjoyed watching that about as little as Luke did.

Big Brother 9: Le Grand Frere

Oh my God, we always used to call Big Brother Le Grand Frere! I love it when the show finally catches up with the lexicon (admittedly five years later).
I liked Luke all sick for some reason, he seemed quite cute. Don't tell anyone.
Mohamed's French/ German accent was hilarious. I think his and Rex's impressions were highly offensive, and thus, brilliant. Rex's joke about Mohamed's name was class. He sounded like Borat trying to speak French.
Becks! Is she mentally ill? She's certainly chronically unhealthy. Even I, sick as I am, could do cycling for twenty minutes without having an eppy.
Sarah has done NOTHING except flirt indiscriminately, which isn't offensive in itself, but it rather dull for the female viewer. Maysoon truly is deadwood.
Mikey's accent because even more horrible and ear-shredding when shouting. Do you know ANYONE who's a Mikey fan? He really is a prize cunt.
Belinda crying after 2 seconds cycling: 'My bum's red raw... it feels so weird... it's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life!' What, exercise? Anyone would think you'd just been done up the arse by a dinosaur.
Mimes! Is there anything more dull? How apt that Rachel was doing it. She makes Mohamed look like he has the conversational skills of Oscar Wilde.
In other news, Rex has 'found himself'. Next step, burn that hoodie.

Big Brother 9: Get Off The Fence

How interesting that the housemates complain about how awful it is to nominate, yet are willing to peel potatoes to be able to do it. Actually these housemates don't mither about nominating that much. And who could blame them. You'd want to nominate in bulk, wouldn't you?
Loved Lisa's story of seeing 'a green man'. A small, green man who was frightened of her and removed her tent for analysis. Barmy. She didn't react to them taking the piss at all. She's the alien in many ways. Did Belinda call Roswell Rock World, or did I have a complete brain spazz?
Darnell was right to nominate Rex in a way, he is being a dick. He just wants to go now. Walk then, Rex, you're not doing anyone a favour by staying, especially not your stupid orange girlfriend. Him bragging about money was crass. Zzzzz. PS. You look like a twat in that hat. And you ARE being mean.
Maysoon came off a bit prissy with her nominating. Becks is vulgar? No shit. At least she has a personality though. Same for Mohamed calling her vile. She is vile, but at least she provides some entertainment. I doubt if Mohamed's airtime even entertains his own family. Even him getting his leg stuck in the fence was dull as fuck.
So did they not let Luke nominate cos he was ill? Aw. I did miss Luke a bit tonight, and I thought I hated him.
Lisa. I don't know what the age is for not being allowed to have side ponytails (I'm still OK to have one, for example) but you're past it.
God, Rachel does sound boring, chick peas, grapes and her boyfriend, no wonder they never show her. It begs the question, why the fuck did the producers put her in? Retards.
Stuart! Scunt. Belinda does sound awful, interrogating people. And snoring. Get rid.
I thought it was bags of coke on the diary room chair but actually it was chips, which is considerably better. Rebecca looked like she might sob.
All the water fights and stuff is alright, but only if it ends in tears or someone being thrown out.
Tip for Rex: when someone goes 'you've got a wonderful life, why did you come in here?' try going 'my life isn't that great' rather than 'I've achieved all my goals so I wanted a break my life.' This level of arrogance is getting to slappable levels.
Oh and if you haven't read this, which I hadn't, due to internet laxness, you'd better, even though it's old. It's brill. He is so right about Mikey it hurts. Charlie, I love you.

Big Brother 9: Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now

How does Dale know what 'election music' is? I doubt if Dale could spell 'election.' *insert erection joke here*
God I hate Mikey. The only reason you're awake in the day, Mikey, is because you go to bed at about 10pm at night. NOT FUN FOR THE LATE NIGHT VIEWER. You boring bastard. The sound of your voice is about as lovely as eating glass.
His whole hair in the ears theory was utter shite. I loved Rex riling him.
Darnell's surname is Swallow! That's quite funny. I also know from my Heat consumption that Stuart's surname is Pilkington. Sexy! Mohamed's surname is Mohamed! Tee hee.
Heaven and Hell task: I was a bit disappointed when Rex read 'imminently' as 'intermittently'. It's weird how you can go off someone, isn't it?
Darnell chose all the nice people (except Dale, who's a pillock). I wonder why he didn't chose Sarah? I normally don't like it when BB engineers storylines, but it was well needed at this point.
So, what did they get in said 'Heaven'? Filtered water! Whoop-de-doo!
Hell seemed like a bit of a trip hazard for old Mikey, bless him. It must be quite disconcerting to have his house cut on half. What would Mario say? (get over it!) Naughty BB.
It was funny when Rex got twitchy about Becks cooking. How quickly Heaven loses it's shine!
Darnell said HOH which made me pine for BBUSA. Come back broadband, I wanna watch it! I liked it when he said 'Yes Sir.' too. Sooo American. Darnell to win!
I was amused by Rebecca said she wished she'd gone to Magaluf with the girls instead of into BB. She's pretty much acted like she was in Magaluf anyway. Hmm, Rebecca, why can't you stand Mohamed? (racist!) I love calling people racist.
Mikey declared the angels 'looked like a bunch of twats'. Cue Daily Star headline that he can see again- no, he's just a sour cunt. Surely he'll never win it.
Rex looked quite creepy as an angel. I saw Rex in the NOTW getting a lap-dance! I went off him a bit then too.
Becks handled the whole task with the calm and reserve I expected from her (i.e. none). She's unbearable! I hope she gets chucked out, she's really a revolting person. Note: it's also probably not best to say the words 'I've resorted to sucking plasticine penis' on TV. That could come back to haunt you.

Big Brother 9: Power Vacuum

My dial up died for three days! Nice. I can't believe Mario went. He shouldn't have been booed like that either. Thick British public! This is the makes-Dale-look-smart mindset that will vote Kat to win because of that tiresome cookie power bollocks. I thought Rebecca and Luke's snog was the closest we've got to REAL romance this year, so I was disappointed when she was all negative about it tonight in the diary room. Mind you, Luke was being a div saying they are a 'power couple'. It's funny that everyone thinks Becks is popular now on the outside. Being liked an iota more than another housemate does not a winner make. She's about as popular as mad cow disease.
I quite enjoyed the election task. Votes for head of house: what was Dale's policy going to be, scunts for everyone? Mouths must loll open at all times? Luke is quite a rubbish politician. He walks the walk, but he doesn't really talk it. Question him on any given point and he folds.
And yeah, that was about it. Pretty boring. We need less generic housemates (Stale, Maysood, Lisa, Mohamed, Rachel) and more characters (Luke, Darnell, Rex).
PS. Zezi wasn't on BBLB today. Did they finally bin her? Here's hoping.

Big Brother 9: Health and Safety

I hate Belinda. Although, Mario is becoming a monster again. Why was he being so narky to her? He destroyed the magic by making her explain her fake eccentricities.
Mario ALMOST said 'trip hazard' tonight: my heart pounded when he told the story of the elastic band.
Mikey: your chances with Sara are.. zero. Why is she even encouraging him?
I'm glad Rebecca has been knocked off her perch. I enjoyed Rex singing 'Goodnight sweetheart' to her.
Mario sniping at Lisa (the Housemaid!) What the fuck? Why is he calling her out for cleaning up? How is it 'sickening'? What a dick. I wouldn't ever make him a cuppa again. He's seriously paranoid. She hasn't changed one iota since she entered that house. I knew there must be cracks somewhere! And here they are, exposed. Lisa was very astute that Mario picked on her because he was annoyed that he was unpopular. Mario descended into a spiral of black, bitter depression!
How interesting that Mikey pulled up Belinda for patronising him for being blind. He's never, ever done it to Mario. Why? Does he genuinely like Mario, I wonder? I've never considered it.
Belinda was desperate for some love tonight, wasn't she, and getting none!
Chick-pea and Cookie! What cunning nicknames. I wonder who they could be?
BB: technically not much more ineresting that the live feed tonight. Must try harder.

Big Brother 9: 'Be the man that you look'

Oooh Mario and Lisa had an argument! But it was a bit of a lame one. Still, we have to take what we can get in this post-bitches entertainment dearth. Lisa's mask of non-annoyance was freaky.
Luke is intimidated by the way Darnell speaks? I've never heard Darnell say anything dubious. Darnell stands up for what's right. Luke on the other hand, despite not swearing because he's so morally upstanding, is a devious little cuntrag.
Mario looks like the sort of man who was born to wear a comedy apron. And he nominated my two favourite housemates.
So now all the old housemates have turned on the newbies. Wow, I didn't see THAT coming. Belinda's snoring was beyond the pale though, totally gross. I'd poke her with a stick. her singing/acting is just horrific too.She reminds me (to a much lesser extent) of that awful Jayne person they put in there once, who just hogged the camera all the time. Don't just be a cartoon, be a human.
Dale! Head in the make-up box again! That makes a change doesn't it? (GAY!)
Kat saying she's bisexual... zzz. Kat and Sarah are about as likely to get together as Luke and Darnell.
I was a bit worried Darnell would be up this week, but it looks like it's Rebecca's time to chip. See ya.
Confession: my hearts not in this at the moment. But I think it's BB's fault, not mine. If I'm not back on form within the week, slap me.

Big Brother 9: Insert Title Here

Hello, is anybody there? Please come back, my three readers. I've missed you.
Guess who's back? Back again. I am, if you count frigging dial-up, which I don't. No broadband, no Sky, I may as well be DEAD. Don't even mention the Freeview box, or the Wireless Festival, because both have proved faulty (but I did take a cheeky pic of Russell Brand whilst watching Mozzy).
So, what have I missed? Jen, gone! Hurrah. New housemates! I missed an episode (shock!) but Sarah seems like a normal human being, and a genuine beauty unlike Jen. Maysoon- not sure yet, but seems OK. Belinda, Belinda, Belinda: fake like every luvvie I've ever known. Luke and Rebecca: getting even uglier personalities in the absence of their leader.
I thought tonights BB was utterly dull. Stuart had a cry- so what? You're not being 'portrayed' a certain way: you're just an utter prink. You can't help it, I suspect you were just born that way. Bad news for you, worse news for us viewers. Belinda's faux crying was quite embarrassing and Stuart fishing for how the outside feel about him was pathetic. They should just fly a plane over saying 'Stu = Twat'- that'd clear it up nicely.
Dale moaning about them putting make up on: he's normally first in the queue for the mascara.
Even the paper bags didn't amuse me. Sob. I hope Rex and Sarah have sex or something.
But the weird thing was: last night the live feed was cut for hours, and there were talks of a bomb scare/ drugs bust. Yet it wasn't mentioned at all. What's the deal? I demand answers, or I'll presume the cameras had to turn away due to Mario and Lisa shagging on the kitchen table whilst the others stood round chanting. And that can't be right.