Big Brother 9: Makeshift Mafia

Rex! You're being a dick! STOP IT!
The producers obviously didn't trust the Heavenly housemates to vote the right way so they doctored the noms again. Zzzz.
Nominating Dale for his VT is stupid. Anyone would say anything to get on telly. So what?
Lisa's friend discovered 'human DNA' and is 'into martial arts'. Cool. Rex nominating Dale for disrespecting women was a joke. He's disrespected Rachel non-stop in that house, then called Maysoon 'slutty'. Charmed, I'm sure. Her VT was not overly sexy at all.
I wanted to punch Rex in the garden, he was being such a CUNT. I was glad Lisa called him a joke. The atmosphere in the house is irreparable in my opinion, and it's not even entertaining, it's painful to watch. Rex because a true bully today, even insulting his friend Mo. Really unpleasant stuff. I get that he was trying to get nommed. But it was still gross. I'm glad Kat took him to task, as best she could.
Dale's self-fulfilling prophecy of trying to annoy the housemates ended up paying off. Can't believe Rachel didn't nominate Rex, she must be a masochist.
Luke proved himself out of touch as usual by voting the nicest people in the house. They are wankers though. I was depressed he and Luke were up (until they fixed the nominations). Another nail in the big brother coffin (as opposed to any fanny in the BB house).
Literally the only good thing in the house is Lisa's utter delusions. And that is IT.

Big Brother 9: 'I'd Swap you for Scrabble'

'If there's any fanny in there... I'm gonna nail it'. Still the quote of the series so far- until tonight!
Hehe, I like the fact Lisa was being mean to Kat and Rachel, it's good! Rachel and Kat are totally ostracised in that house at the moment. HAPPY HAPPY HOUSE! Dickheads. I enjoyed seeing Kat crack. Bring Rebecca back!
I love the nomination pod thing: it's a dastardly way to fuck over the nicey-nice people. Put the favourites up! Good plan. I liked hearing them discuss that, it was good fun, like when you get to hear what people are thinking in Eastenders when they do a two-hander sometimes. Luke looked sickened!
I don't want Luke or Darnell to go up! I was pleased Stuart said he wasn't going to vote that way. I like Stuart quite a bit more lately. I just have to try and forget about Princess Manky Teeth and her reign of terror, hard as it is.
Showing the video tapes was amazing. Dale's was pure class. If only PMT WAS still in there for that. He's not a knob, you idiots, he just said it to get on the show!
Maysoon: lives life on the edge! Yeah, on the straight-edge, you dullard.
Rachel's video: flirty, funny... silly. False advertising! Rex was harsh on her though. She's not a liar. She's just a bore. So what if she said 'shit'! It's hardly up there with Alex's 'pow pow pow', is it? They were a bit cruel to her when they came out.
LOVED Mikey saying 'this whole blind thing's just an act, I can see in my VT.'
Dale should have laughed when they quoted him on the 'fanny' thing. Him going 'no way' was ridiculous. Is he that thick he didn't remember? May did nothing in her video. She DID NOT sound like she was well into sex. Rachel did nothing wrong either. Rex was out of order. He totally has a massive grudge against her. I'd have stood up and told him to fuck off. Stand up for yourself! He is a complete bully. 'Caught red handed'- she didn't rape someone Rex, she just hadn't had her spirit broken by you at that point. Give the girl a break.
Having said that 'I'd swap you for Scrabble' was an absolute genius line, best so far, so all is forgiven.

Big Brother 9: 'This Looks Like a Dildo'

I was out watching the filming of Ponderland on Friday, which was jolly good fun. In my absence Big Brother officially died. With Rebecca's departure, it left the house dangerously full of boring bastards, moaning wankers who don't want to be there, and a bunch of people trying so hard to be nice, they become utterly repellent.
I felt so sad when Rebecca went; Luke's reaction to her snogging Mohamed was the most 'real' moment on BB since the whole Ziggy/Chanelle fall out. Luke and Becks were the only interesting thing in the house, because they were honest. She was an arsehole; but she was entertaining. The producers must have been crying their eyes out.
I kind of want Luke to win at the moment; just because he's entertaining in the diary room, and he has the courage to actually say what he thinks. I liked the way he was giving Kat evils today. She would drive me up the wall in there too. He looks like a broken man without Rebecca. His stylish hair has died a death too.
Watching Dale get tortured via chilli was quite amusing. I'm finding Mohamed hard to look at lately. He is the opposite of sexy.
Forty six days left! It will be a MIRACLE if anyone is still watching by the end of it. The constant singing is murderously painful. I feel how Luke looks. Gutted.

Big Brother 9: Down the Rabbit Hole

I like all the clocks, it's quite Dali-esque isn't it? It reminds me of a task Derren did once where he made people pick an object out of loads in a big room like that.
Watching people count in their heads is strangely compelling. Clock heads!
Mikey's voice! ARGH! I'd kill him with a spade. There'd be no option.
Darnell's reaction to being nominated was ridiculous. What do you expect? You've been an arse all week! It's not the housemates fault: it's YOURS. You're acting like a real dick about it. It's not 'too early'. It's TIME! I was embarrassed when he said he expected to go to the end. You're meant to THINK that, not SAY it! It made me want him out big-time. He was totally dismissive of Becks too. She's a human too! She has feelings!
Oh my God, I AGREED with Dale again tonight. Just kill me right now. It is an unpopularity contest. Deal with it. Poor Darnell; 'people don't like me'. Welcome to the world. There's nothing worse than a bad loser. Why is Dale saying he wants to go home now, though? I don't get it.
Lisa finally looked like she was going to snap about the hampers! Yay! Push her over the edge. Make her cry! I want to see it.
Did Rachel really ask Darnell if he was black? How long has she lived in there with him? How can they NEVER have had that conversation? That is downright offensive!
Urgh, Dale listening to Luke and Becks snog! That's not my idea of winning threesome. Her time is up: I don't think even that threesome on the kitchen worktops could save her now.

Big Brother 9: If you want to go, go.

It doesn't seem like a week since last nominations. Darnell IS volatile now. BB is depressing me. I don't want Dale to be liked! It's rub. I can feel a sulk coming on.
I'd actually be quite happy to see the back of Mohamed this week. He isn't happy in there and no one likes him. It would be a crime to lose Becks or Darnell over him.
I liked Mikey telling Rex there was nothing stopping him going home, it was class. My thoughts exactly. It's not prison, just get off your arse, and walk back to your orange girlfriend and pray she forgot about those couple of days when you were trying to get off with Steph. Remember I told you, Rexy.
I was annoyed that Darnell nominated Rebecca and Luke. They are cruel, but at least they're funny.
Why does BB they insist on calling Mikey Michael now, by the way? It's really annoying. I can't believe he hates Kat! What an arse. I hate Kat, but I'm allowed. She offers a lot more than Mikey does, anyhow. I hate it at the moment because I can't even take a side because I hate all the sides.
I hate the way Dale treats Rebecca, but I hate the way Rebecca treats herself too. I just had a quick look at Digital Spy, and it looks like she's going. I don't know why, because she was more popular than Mario, and he was cool.
God, I hate people.

Big Brother 9: 'Can we lick your balls for you?'

Ok, quick catch up. Darnell: what the fuck happened? He went from clear winner to utter dick in a week. When Dale said 'power corrupts' I nearly fell off the bed: it was his most insightful statement in two months. However, Belinda's interview where she said Dale was 'insightful' was beyond belief: he's about as insightful as a blow-up doll.
Rex was also on the cunt-pills in the last few days: I hated him when he said to Rachel, 'you'll always be average'. Maybe she's quite HAPPY being average, Rex, did you ever think that? Not everyone can be a megalomaniac with an ice-cream cone hairdo like you. Very disappointing. Darnell also had a go at Rachel just because it's easy: so I was pleased when Dale stood up for her. However, I can't stomach a Dale win, so please go back to your tongue-lolling retarded-self shortly, please. Becks doing the monkey task: what an absolute quitter she is. She's hopeless. I thought that whole Mo and Kat packing their bags thing was utterly cruel and I felt for them both. Nasty, naughty BB.
So onto tonight. I'm so sick of this Heaven and Hell BULLSHIT. This isn't BB USA (which I have been watching, but I haven't got into it so much yet.)
Why the fuck did Dale pick Maysoon to be in Heaven AGAIN? She's shit! It's not very fair on Sarah or Lisa (Mikey can go fuck himself, frankly). It's not like Rex is exactly grateful to be in Heaven again.
Why did Mo start on Mikey? I'm confused. There is a serious case of cabin fever/ bad attitude in the house today. Mo and Darnell could easily get booted at any given moment. Why is there NO ONE I like in the house at the moment? My favourites at the moment are people like bloody LISA, for God's sake.
Dale brought up the old favourite: 'talking with his dick out' phrase again. Lovely! Bless him, he didn't know what 'antithesis' means.
Lisa made me laugh saying WWJD? Rex when right back into my good books when he said 'Rebecca and Jesus should not be in the same sentence.'
Rebecca didn't do much for feminism when she went and did topless star jumps in the garden at Dale's request. I don't know who described her as a 'horror show' but it wasn't very nice. I bet her parents enjoyed watching that about as little as Luke did.

Big Brother 9: Le Grand Frere

Oh my God, we always used to call Big Brother Le Grand Frere! I love it when the show finally catches up with the lexicon (admittedly five years later).
I liked Luke all sick for some reason, he seemed quite cute. Don't tell anyone.
Mohamed's French/ German accent was hilarious. I think his and Rex's impressions were highly offensive, and thus, brilliant. Rex's joke about Mohamed's name was class. He sounded like Borat trying to speak French.
Becks! Is she mentally ill? She's certainly chronically unhealthy. Even I, sick as I am, could do cycling for twenty minutes without having an eppy.
Sarah has done NOTHING except flirt indiscriminately, which isn't offensive in itself, but it rather dull for the female viewer. Maysoon truly is deadwood.
Mikey's accent because even more horrible and ear-shredding when shouting. Do you know ANYONE who's a Mikey fan? He really is a prize cunt.
Belinda crying after 2 seconds cycling: 'My bum's red raw... it feels so weird... it's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life!' What, exercise? Anyone would think you'd just been done up the arse by a dinosaur.
Mimes! Is there anything more dull? How apt that Rachel was doing it. She makes Mohamed look like he has the conversational skills of Oscar Wilde.
In other news, Rex has 'found himself'. Next step, burn that hoodie.

Big Brother 9: Get Off The Fence

How interesting that the housemates complain about how awful it is to nominate, yet are willing to peel potatoes to be able to do it. Actually these housemates don't mither about nominating that much. And who could blame them. You'd want to nominate in bulk, wouldn't you?
Loved Lisa's story of seeing 'a green man'. A small, green man who was frightened of her and removed her tent for analysis. Barmy. She didn't react to them taking the piss at all. She's the alien in many ways. Did Belinda call Roswell Rock World, or did I have a complete brain spazz?
Darnell was right to nominate Rex in a way, he is being a dick. He just wants to go now. Walk then, Rex, you're not doing anyone a favour by staying, especially not your stupid orange girlfriend. Him bragging about money was crass. Zzzzz. PS. You look like a twat in that hat. And you ARE being mean.
Maysoon came off a bit prissy with her nominating. Becks is vulgar? No shit. At least she has a personality though. Same for Mohamed calling her vile. She is vile, but at least she provides some entertainment. I doubt if Mohamed's airtime even entertains his own family. Even him getting his leg stuck in the fence was dull as fuck.
So did they not let Luke nominate cos he was ill? Aw. I did miss Luke a bit tonight, and I thought I hated him.
Lisa. I don't know what the age is for not being allowed to have side ponytails (I'm still OK to have one, for example) but you're past it.
God, Rachel does sound boring, chick peas, grapes and her boyfriend, no wonder they never show her. It begs the question, why the fuck did the producers put her in? Retards.
Stuart! Scunt. Belinda does sound awful, interrogating people. And snoring. Get rid.
I thought it was bags of coke on the diary room chair but actually it was chips, which is considerably better. Rebecca looked like she might sob.
All the water fights and stuff is alright, but only if it ends in tears or someone being thrown out.
Tip for Rex: when someone goes 'you've got a wonderful life, why did you come in here?' try going 'my life isn't that great' rather than 'I've achieved all my goals so I wanted a break my life.' This level of arrogance is getting to slappable levels.
Oh and if you haven't read this, which I hadn't, due to internet laxness, you'd better, even though it's old. It's brill. He is so right about Mikey it hurts. Charlie, I love you.

Big Brother 9: Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now

How does Dale know what 'election music' is? I doubt if Dale could spell 'election.' *insert erection joke here*
God I hate Mikey. The only reason you're awake in the day, Mikey, is because you go to bed at about 10pm at night. NOT FUN FOR THE LATE NIGHT VIEWER. You boring bastard. The sound of your voice is about as lovely as eating glass.
His whole hair in the ears theory was utter shite. I loved Rex riling him.
Darnell's surname is Swallow! That's quite funny. I also know from my Heat consumption that Stuart's surname is Pilkington. Sexy! Mohamed's surname is Mohamed! Tee hee.
Heaven and Hell task: I was a bit disappointed when Rex read 'imminently' as 'intermittently'. It's weird how you can go off someone, isn't it?
Darnell chose all the nice people (except Dale, who's a pillock). I wonder why he didn't chose Sarah? I normally don't like it when BB engineers storylines, but it was well needed at this point.
So, what did they get in said 'Heaven'? Filtered water! Whoop-de-doo!
Hell seemed like a bit of a trip hazard for old Mikey, bless him. It must be quite disconcerting to have his house cut on half. What would Mario say? (get over it!) Naughty BB.
It was funny when Rex got twitchy about Becks cooking. How quickly Heaven loses it's shine!
Darnell said HOH which made me pine for BBUSA. Come back broadband, I wanna watch it! I liked it when he said 'Yes Sir.' too. Sooo American. Darnell to win!
I was amused by Rebecca said she wished she'd gone to Magaluf with the girls instead of into BB. She's pretty much acted like she was in Magaluf anyway. Hmm, Rebecca, why can't you stand Mohamed? (racist!) I love calling people racist.
Mikey declared the angels 'looked like a bunch of twats'. Cue Daily Star headline that he can see again- no, he's just a sour cunt. Surely he'll never win it.
Rex looked quite creepy as an angel. I saw Rex in the NOTW getting a lap-dance! I went off him a bit then too.
Becks handled the whole task with the calm and reserve I expected from her (i.e. none). She's unbearable! I hope she gets chucked out, she's really a revolting person. Note: it's also probably not best to say the words 'I've resorted to sucking plasticine penis' on TV. That could come back to haunt you.

Big Brother 9: Power Vacuum

My dial up died for three days! Nice. I can't believe Mario went. He shouldn't have been booed like that either. Thick British public! This is the makes-Dale-look-smart mindset that will vote Kat to win because of that tiresome cookie power bollocks. I thought Rebecca and Luke's snog was the closest we've got to REAL romance this year, so I was disappointed when she was all negative about it tonight in the diary room. Mind you, Luke was being a div saying they are a 'power couple'. It's funny that everyone thinks Becks is popular now on the outside. Being liked an iota more than another housemate does not a winner make. She's about as popular as mad cow disease.
I quite enjoyed the election task. Votes for head of house: what was Dale's policy going to be, scunts for everyone? Mouths must loll open at all times? Luke is quite a rubbish politician. He walks the walk, but he doesn't really talk it. Question him on any given point and he folds.
And yeah, that was about it. Pretty boring. We need less generic housemates (Stale, Maysood, Lisa, Mohamed, Rachel) and more characters (Luke, Darnell, Rex).
PS. Zezi wasn't on BBLB today. Did they finally bin her? Here's hoping.

Big Brother 9: Health and Safety

I hate Belinda. Although, Mario is becoming a monster again. Why was he being so narky to her? He destroyed the magic by making her explain her fake eccentricities.
Mario ALMOST said 'trip hazard' tonight: my heart pounded when he told the story of the elastic band.
Mikey: your chances with Sara are.. zero. Why is she even encouraging him?
I'm glad Rebecca has been knocked off her perch. I enjoyed Rex singing 'Goodnight sweetheart' to her.
Mario sniping at Lisa (the Housemaid!) What the fuck? Why is he calling her out for cleaning up? How is it 'sickening'? What a dick. I wouldn't ever make him a cuppa again. He's seriously paranoid. She hasn't changed one iota since she entered that house. I knew there must be cracks somewhere! And here they are, exposed. Lisa was very astute that Mario picked on her because he was annoyed that he was unpopular. Mario descended into a spiral of black, bitter depression!
How interesting that Mikey pulled up Belinda for patronising him for being blind. He's never, ever done it to Mario. Why? Does he genuinely like Mario, I wonder? I've never considered it.
Belinda was desperate for some love tonight, wasn't she, and getting none!
Chick-pea and Cookie! What cunning nicknames. I wonder who they could be?
BB: technically not much more ineresting that the live feed tonight. Must try harder.

Big Brother 9: 'Be the man that you look'

Oooh Mario and Lisa had an argument! But it was a bit of a lame one. Still, we have to take what we can get in this post-bitches entertainment dearth. Lisa's mask of non-annoyance was freaky.
Luke is intimidated by the way Darnell speaks? I've never heard Darnell say anything dubious. Darnell stands up for what's right. Luke on the other hand, despite not swearing because he's so morally upstanding, is a devious little cuntrag.
Mario looks like the sort of man who was born to wear a comedy apron. And he nominated my two favourite housemates.
So now all the old housemates have turned on the newbies. Wow, I didn't see THAT coming. Belinda's snoring was beyond the pale though, totally gross. I'd poke her with a stick. her singing/acting is just horrific too.She reminds me (to a much lesser extent) of that awful Jayne person they put in there once, who just hogged the camera all the time. Don't just be a cartoon, be a human.
Dale! Head in the make-up box again! That makes a change doesn't it? (GAY!)
Kat saying she's bisexual... zzz. Kat and Sarah are about as likely to get together as Luke and Darnell.
I was a bit worried Darnell would be up this week, but it looks like it's Rebecca's time to chip. See ya.
Confession: my hearts not in this at the moment. But I think it's BB's fault, not mine. If I'm not back on form within the week, slap me.

Big Brother 9: Insert Title Here

Hello, is anybody there? Please come back, my three readers. I've missed you.
Guess who's back? Back again. I am, if you count frigging dial-up, which I don't. No broadband, no Sky, I may as well be DEAD. Don't even mention the Freeview box, or the Wireless Festival, because both have proved faulty (but I did take a cheeky pic of Russell Brand whilst watching Mozzy).
So, what have I missed? Jen, gone! Hurrah. New housemates! I missed an episode (shock!) but Sarah seems like a normal human being, and a genuine beauty unlike Jen. Maysoon- not sure yet, but seems OK. Belinda, Belinda, Belinda: fake like every luvvie I've ever known. Luke and Rebecca: getting even uglier personalities in the absence of their leader.
I thought tonights BB was utterly dull. Stuart had a cry- so what? You're not being 'portrayed' a certain way: you're just an utter prink. You can't help it, I suspect you were just born that way. Bad news for you, worse news for us viewers. Belinda's faux crying was quite embarrassing and Stuart fishing for how the outside feel about him was pathetic. They should just fly a plane over saying 'Stu = Twat'- that'd clear it up nicely.
Dale moaning about them putting make up on: he's normally first in the queue for the mascara.
Even the paper bags didn't amuse me. Sob. I hope Rex and Sarah have sex or something.
But the weird thing was: last night the live feed was cut for hours, and there were talks of a bomb scare/ drugs bust. Yet it wasn't mentioned at all. What's the deal? I demand answers, or I'll presume the cameras had to turn away due to Mario and Lisa shagging on the kitchen table whilst the others stood round chanting. And that can't be right.