Big Brother 9: Final Thoughts

Through sheer determination, I managed to avoid the BB result for the whole time I was away. Or maybe because it was Rachel no one cared. Or maybe BB has had it’s day. But either way, I studiously avoided newspapers (not easy coming back on the tube littered with London Lites) fully expecting a Rex or Mikey win.
By the way, I hate the last episode where they are all nice and charming and funny and you start thinking ‘oh, maybe they are not so bad after all.’ I want to hate until the end!
So, onto the final, which no one cares about anymore. It was probably the most anti-climatic final ever, especially with Darnell and Rex coming out first. Sure, it was a triumph of good over evil, but it was also a triumph of dullness. My predictions were as follows, Rachel, Darnell, Sara, Mikey, Rex. So I was pretty off. I just can’t BELIEVE so many people voted for Rachel to win? It doesn’t make sense that people would pick up the phone for her. But then the choices WERE crap. It was quite telling the winner got booed.
Darnell’s exit was quirky at least, I liked the pony and the fact he was wearing a bath-towel and a skirt. But what’s with wearing the same tops they went in in (Mikey/ Darnell)? Lazy! I was quite disappointed with the interview (so what’s new?) and Darnell’s Oprah-Winfrey style ‘thank you for accepting me’ rubbish. He didn’t seem to miffed to go out in 5th though. At least he beat Kat, hey?
Rex! Not as popular as I thought (or he did). Those misguided trousers were beyond parody, they were proper David-Bowie-in-Labyrinth style. And the Chris Martin coat! What a cock. His posing as he came out to a wall of boos was just embarrassing. Strike a pose Rex, you arrogant gimp. Now piss off. He was utterly unrepentant and Davina didn’t even start on him, she just showed him clips of his tyranny like it was a big joke. I’m annoyed he didn’t get his comeuppance. Also, Rex, are you bumming your own dad? Eww.
Sara; third. She looked stunning, she sounded annoying. I was disgusted that Davina seemed to think flirting deserved more of a grilling than rampant misogany and continued bullying. Davina, you are ‘sending out the wrong signals’ in your revolting choices of dress. Who are you to decide what signals are right or wrong? Sexist cunt.
Rachels’ face was a picture when she won, but her ‘best bits’ were about two seconds long. Mikey was more fun as an interviewee, and I enjoyed him bringing up she-who-must-not-be-named Alex (or Alec, as he seemed to think she was called). The vote was SO close. I think it says a lot about how we as viewers were this year; fundamentally split or indifferent. Wanting anyone to win who the housemates didn't suspect.
I was pleased that Rachel didn’t back down as Davina even had a go at her, and good for her for saying ‘I know who I am.’ I don’t think a lot of people in their 20s could say the same.
I liked seeing the old housemates (what, no Dennis or Alex? Shame!) especially Luke and Bex; Luke rubbing his fingers together in the international gesture for ‘grasping money grabber’ at Rachel was brilliant! No backing down from him!
I liked the round-up of the series at the end, even in a bad year like this it makes you realise why you still watch. It’s like a little bit of your life somehow. It becomes part of your memory whether you like it or not.
Will Davina be back next year? Will there be a Celeb BB? Will BBLB get canned? Who knows. But at least I can get back to writing about the latest dwarf documentary or indie CD no one likes. And I can catch up on BBUSA which I’m criminally behind on.
Will I miss our BB? This year… I actually won’t. Would I miss it if it never came back? Loads.

Big Brother 9: I swear on my mother's life; I love you

So NOW I understand what the afros were about!
Darnell. You were so OFF the money with your bigging up of Mo and Kat. How dare you tell Sara who she wants to win, or that her reason isn't good enough. Dickhead. His speech to Mikey doing both him and Sara down was horrible and in bad taste.
I liked them dressing up as each other, it was a good reality check for them (another good task- shock!) If it were me in there I'm sure I'd be annoyed as everyone went 'Morrissey! Bright Eyes! Crisps!' for an hour. It'd be cheaper than weeks of therapy.
Mikey in particular had his finger on the pulse as ever. Is it offensive to 'white up' your face whilst impersonating Darnell? Also; Darnell love, you could have a wife and kid if you stopped being such a whiny cunt.
Mikey impersonations! Scottish accents- shaky. Mikey rolling on the grass laughing; class.
The Rex wig was a touch! Where did they get those from? Rex looked mega uncomfortable as everyone did monotone, materialistic impersonations of him. Ha!
It's no surprise that Rachel's impersonation wound up with her being routinely insulted.
It was kind of ironic that Mo got evicted whilst they were all dressed as him. And Meatloaf his favourite song!? What? (by the way, what is it Meatloaf won't do for love, I always thought anal or watersports but he's probably so selfish it's oral or give his girlfriend an orgasm) I actually really liked Darnell's anger at Mo being evicted, it reminded me of when he got so angry about spitgate about a zillion years ago, back when he had a hope of winning.
Rex looked genuinely shocked when they said Kat's name, then smirked two seconds later! What a bastard! I loved it though.
That group hug was moving!!! I forgot I hated their guts for half a second then. Rachel; even earner herself a one-on-one hug with Rex! You'll pay for that later.
Darnell! Don't be so sure you're not hated. It's who we hate LEAST at this point.
NB. at what point that night would you have taken your Mo afro off? I would have taken it off the SECOND Davina rolled up.
(oh and I'm going away this weekend for a long weekend so no BB blogging! BUT I will sum up on my return. Enjoy it. Mwah!)

Big Brother 9: Double Eviction (Cookie Hate)

How many different ways can I say I hate these people? Mo not giving Sara fags. Rex calling Rachel a pig (go kick a kitten instead, Rex). Kat's ickle sad face. Darnell: your misogynistic rant has not been forgotten. Sara; nice but just too, too needy. Mikey; the dictionary definition of creepy.
The goading of Sara over a simple eye mask was bizarre. I have an eye mask! I'm not a bondage freak! Oh, wait...
Rex vs the wasp: who's the biggest prick? That wasp had the right idea. Rex calling Rachel 'a dreamer' like it was an insult... sad.
The only good thing I can say about this final week is at least there's a bit of tension, and it could go any way for the final (not that I'll see it as I'll be in Amsterdam!)
It was kind of sad when Mo went, only cos it was a shock and they blubbed a bit. He should have been booed more though! He's gross. Who's want his manky dressing gown?
Mo interview. Davina went easy; in fact the only person i've seen her be an arse to recently is Lisa. You think he might have looked ashamed as they basically called him a fat cunt. But no. He was proud as punch. Interesting seeing him go in- he looked a stone thinner. Did Dennis gobbing in his face not make it to his best bits? In fact, it had been wiped from history. How unlike Big Brother to brush something like that under the carpet.
Kat: 'Big brother, please don't take any more of my friends away.' Ok, then, why don't you leave instead, you insincere bint. She was CERTAIN she was a shoe-in. And less people liked her than Rex. Hahahahahahaaa! I found the weeping and wailing hilarious. Her at the top of the stairs... 'Happy happy house... boo hoo...' Then: Boooooooo! See ya. That's entertainment.
That sucked that she was happy again after the break. Did someone give her a chocolate chip cookie? Glad they stitched her up in the interview. Didn't buy the whole Care Bear Friends Forever/ 5-year-old act. In fact... it was mildly sinister and teeth-grindingly annoying.
That was a classic BB eviction in more ways than one. The mighty have fallen. But the question remains. Why is Rex still in that house? Then I look at him, all sweaty and arrogant but still running rings around them all, and with a veneer of intelligence. And I think, anything could happen. And after the slog of this series, that's something to look forward to.

Big Brother 9: Bullying My Ears

Oh God, I hate them all. I thought Lisa going was the right result on Friday and she got a good reaction, which was deserved. I was happy for Sara to stay and slay the boys but she rather shot a hole in the foot of her own plan by sitting on Darnell's lap in the pool and saying how she was going to come round and watch movies. Why would you say that to someone who had been so horrible to you? So I can't work Sara out still, and that's not good. And there will be the inevitable barrage of 'she's leading him on' again- sigh. Rex passing judgement was particularly galling; I hardly think he's in a position to be offering relationship advice. He doesn't care about Darnell, he just wants to blacken Sara's name.
Rex being nice to people in the final week isn't exactly a surprise. And they are so thick in there they might fall for it. Hopefully the general public won't.
Mohamed's moronic giggling at Rex's rampant misogyny was unpleasant. Rex bullying Darnell and Sara for simply getting on was just plain horrible.
Kat doesn't know what devious means? Yeah right. I'm glad Big Brother repeated it to hammer it home. Mo in the diary room: thick as shit.
Darnell: SHUT UP. Idiot! Just shut UP! The word 'martyr' is not sufficient for him.
Rex and Darnell proudly telling what insults they'd written down for Rachel was just mean-spirited. Her going 'OK... that's fine.' is so annoying though. It's NOT fine.
Things haven't been fine for quite some time.

Big Brother 9: A Psychologist's Wet Dream

What a shame Nicole wasn't still in for the Vegas task! Ha. Bring on the lapdancers.
I'm very glad that Darnell and Rex were called into the diary room for causing 'serious offence to another housemate or to the general public'. Darnell. Dick. Just say sorry, you prick.
Rex! Pinned the blame on Darnell. Lovely! Sara, it's not because of you, it's because of them. Rex saying she made an issue of it, when she absolutely didn't. Just imagine for a moment if NICOLE was called a slut in that house. Just imagine what she'd have made of it. And conclude: Rex is a cunt.
How on fire is Mikey lately in summing up the housemates! Spot on.
DAVINA! Stop pretending 50 grand means shit to you. You wipe your arse on £20 notes. That hair dye ad alone probably rakes in 100K a year at least.
Now here's an interesting thing. In the past when they've put the housemates on the spot and forced them to nominate there's always been a revolt, or one housemate going 'pick me!' These fuckers couldn't WAIT to pick up their markers and vote! What a bunch of arseholes.
But there is actually a world of difference in who you WANT to nominate, and who you'd DARE to nominate to their face. Hence why all the votes for Lisa and Sara.
Some of them really seemed to enjoy it, didn't they (Lisa/ Mikey/ Rex)? Sara looked beautiful in defeat. What a surprise the two nicest people in the house were up. That's what you get when it's a complete cunt factory in there.
I'm glad Lisa & Sara got the cash over the others, but all the suspense died because they were such good friends it was obvious what they'd do. Now Rex vs ANYONE would have been funny.
All in all- a disappointment. But then, what's new?

Big Brother 9: Swinging from Dicks

Well done Darnell, that comment was right up there from the Anthony Hutton school of sexism. Just cos she doesn't want to sleep with YOU and you're a virgin, she's a slut. So Sara is flirty and has an annoying voice. So she did lead Darnell on a little, then turn her attentions to Stu. That doesn't make her a slag, or a slut, or any of the other narrow-minded little preconceptions you've been force-fed since birth. It does, however, make you a misogynist. As is Rex, who declared 'there's no problem here' as Kat cried her eyes out. I personally couldn't give two fucks about Kat, but there's not NOT a problem just because Rex declares it so.
Rex is a nasty, sexist cunt, and Mo is a snivelling dick for laughing at his offensive jokes. Rex, your coat is disgusting. Darnell; so what if Sara has slept with a bunch of blokes? At least she's been out living whilst you've been sitting at home whining and self pitying.
I personally feel Rex, Darnell and Mo should be thrown out for that conversation. It was highly offensive and cruel. I hate the fact they think they've won it and that Sara would never have a chance (how they feel about Lisa too). Please let her beat Rex.
Interesting that she could stand up to Darnell but not to Rex. Rex is a unique sort of bully, finding her weakness (Stu) then exploiting it.
Rex constantly declares he's 'only joking' whilst being supremely cruel. Darnell called her 'an ugly bitch'! She's 12 billion times out of his league. The things he said about her were vile 'I hope she comes out crying'. I hope he gets the boot. Gross. No one stood up for her either. Not one person. Disgraceful. I hate Darnell now. Absolute bastard. Rex is doubly sly though, going 'are you alright?' when he started it.
Absolutely maddening.

Big Brother 9: 'I'm sick of this shithole'

Catch up blog! Bank holiday weekend thoughts are here for the taking.
Nicole's eviction: 94% of the vote! Was that all? Nicole created more bad feeling in that house than Jade Goody's mum. Darnell: horrid to Sarah. Digging his own grave with his self-pitying psychosis every single day. Rex: horrid to everyone. How could Darnell say he thinks Rex is a favourite! They are all so browbeaten by him it's not funny. Him paving the way to ingratiate himself back with the other housemates before Nicole left was sickening and utterly transparent. He's about as trustworthy as Gary Glitter on babysitting duties.
Rex: 'I thought I'd feel worse when Nicole got booed, I actually found it quite funny.' Heartwarming! And he smirked when her name was called out. Nice doily for a dress, by the way, Nicole. Then he slated her again the second she left. Chivalry. Is. Dead. Imagine if someone else said they found Nicole getting booed 'funny'.
Darnell; you've hitched your apple-wagon to the wrong star (Rex). And for that... you will pay.
Sundays show: Rex: 'All you need to do to chat up Sara is tell her to bend over' and 'do you really want to get on that?' to Mo. Rex hates women. If he'd said that about me, I'd have slapped him in the face. Sara just laughed. What respect she has for herself. What a sad collection of people in that house.
Mondays show: I liked BB giving them presents. A bit of happiness was well needed in that house. It was AMAZING to have Mario back, Mario owned that place. How cruel that they didn't let him properly in when they let that rancid cuntrag of Rex's in as a housemate. I proper blubbed at the proposal, it was amazing. It was lovely to see them so happy, as they are such a well-matched (bonkers) couple. 110% suited! Haha. The ring was cool, too. Did I see Rex shed a tear? I want a cardboard cutout of Mario! TRIP HAZARD! I hope Lisa sleeps with it later.
Rachel: how can ANYONE be so excited about grapes? Someone drop an E in her drink, for god's sake, her head will come off. Darnell; ungrateful! I'd happily have an Ipod Morrissey-fest on my own in there. That would be sweet!
Kat singing: painful. Mo's blunt schoolboyish courting of Sara; even more so. Having to pay for kisses with booze! Gross.
Two weeks left. It feels like it could be another two months.
Why is the last mile the hardest mile? (cos the housemates suck, that's why)

Big Brother 9: It's Close to Midnight

Aw i liked it when they played Thriller for the alarm and Mikey got scared and they all danced round. It was nice! Obviously it all went to shit soon after.
Nicole: 'I'm the only one who's going to do it perfect.' So modest too! They were well mean to Mikey. Give him a chance. Nicole and Rex were bullying him! They both have the most hideous tone of voice. If either he or she spoke to me like that, I'd fucking nut them. I would happily strangle them both. Mikey looks better now his hair has grown back half an inch. (Did I just say that?)
Reading out the noms in the middle of rehearsals was funny. Way to put them off their stroke. Rex, why should the housemates keep your sour-faced, miserable, rude, nasty, vain, spoilt, ugly bitch of a girlfriend in the house over friends they have had for coming up for three months?
Mikey saying Nicole was stuck up her own arse was brilliant! Just fuck off Nicole, no one likes you. Rex aint gonna follow you out the door either. Selfish cow, not sharing her fags. Let her fucking smoke and get shriveled up, the narky little mingaloid. She should be telling Rex to stay and win it if she loved him, but she doesn't.
Having said that, Rex, you'd be lucky to go out in 5th place, you absolute arsehole. Couldn't believe Nicole berating him for being nice to the other housemates. What an awful trait.
Mikey's diary room diatribe was fab. They weren't being considerate of him during the task. I loved Rachel teaching him, what a kind person she is. She's more useful that 100 Marios. Everyone needs a friend like her. I don't know how Rex has the gall to call himself a choregrapher in that task, he was just a dictator. A twat in a hat.
I quite liked Sarah tonight; she looked pretty again all disheveled and vulnerable.
Lisa or Darnell to win. No, Lisa, cos she's not expecting it, and Darnell thinks it's his divine right.

Big Brother 9: 'I did not sleep one inch'

Nicole: 'I didn't sleep one inch!' I always wondered who voted Conservative, and then here is one prime example, and another one in Rex. Cuntsville! Thick, rich scum! Nice one. I'll be voting NICOLE at the end of the week. Actually, I won't, I've pissed away enough money this month.
Mikey: stop making me agree with you, a part of me dies inside every time. Lisa: Rachel is not some Mario-fancying black-hearted nemesis. It was weird Rachel called Lisa two-faced too, I don't think she is, actually. Their perceptions are all skew-whiff.
Nicole to Rex: 'You've kissed me enough!' Yeah because there is a finite number of kisses you can get from your beloved. Just admit you don't fancy him, you shrewish bint.
Mo nominated Sara for being nice to him. How peculiar.
Nicole: pulled her best lemon-sucking face when Rex was having a bit of a giggle. Don't even get me started on that bogey eating thing: I just didn't look at the screen for ten minutes. It's VILE! Why can't we vote Mo out this week? He is REVOLTING! I demand a recount.

Big Brother 9: What's wrong? Nothing.

Fuck off Kat, trying to teach Nicole to wait on Rex. Yeah she's a spoilt bitch, but it's not a woman's DUTY to cook for their partner, this isn't yesterday's Wife Swap. I'd make Rex his breakfast and drop it in his fucking lap, the arrogant cunt. Top marks to her for being so cruel to him then going 'can I have a fried egg please?'
How funny that Rex suddenly likes the other housemates now Nicole is being such an arsehole.
Urgh, Kat talking about her sex life. 15 times in a day?
Lisa on wasps: 'One sting can kill you.' Rex: 'It's not a fucking elephant.' WHAT?
Loved Mikey telling Nicole what was what. And Rex didn't even stand up for her! Rex seems so happy when she's not around, and even extra happy when she was truly miserable. He seemed to delight in sleeping in B-Block. He was the perkiest I've seen him in months.
It must be hard for Nicole, that she can't talk about the outside world, it would be a form of torture. It's not really fair how he put her on that pedestal then did that to her. I hope she does go out this week, and that her mum gives her a good talking to, and she escapes from the ivory tower and lightens up. Just dear God, don't let me see her and Rex on the cover of OK gloating about their forthcoming marriage or something in a months time. I think Luke and Rebecca's relationship is more credible. At least they LIKE each other.

Big Brother 9: 'Do you remember what the last thing you saw was?'

Mikey, repugnant as he is, is the only one who sees exactly who Rex is (and ironically, he's blind). Lisa sees it a little bit, but only Mikey makes statements that are wholeheartedly true about Rex. And for that; I'm glad he's still there. Nicole's quizzing of Mikey about his blindness was insensitive in the extreme. You saw genuine emotion on his face as he discussed that, and suddenly he became human, not a freaky caricature of a man.
Rex: 'Only tourists have to pay to get into clubs.' Tourists and plebs, Sir Rex. I'm just waiting for him to describe the bus as a 'peasant wagon'.
Statues! Mo had the easiest position, I reckon. Sitting down, but the fat fuck still couldn't keep still. Why? He normally does it beautifully.
Rex as head of house. Good, at least it keeps him in for another week, can you imagine the house with no baddie? His Big Brother impression was chilling.
Mo, Mo, Mo. Bless, he thinks he and Rex will be friends outside the house. They aren't even friends INSIDE the house. And he thinks he's got a chance with Sarah? She's like a cock venus fly-trap.
Love's Young Dream were getting on as usual, with Rex urging her to walk out the door. Funny, when he was there alone, the only thing that mattered to him was her. Now he wants to win the show and for her to fuck off. Which leaves me thinking; if you offered Rex the moon on a stick, he'd want a gold-plated moon in the VIP area with diamonds on the stick. But he'd still hate himself and wonder how many sequins fell off Nicole's dress when she was giving head to that guy with the innie bellybutton.

Big Brother 9: Love's Young Dream

Rex and Nicole! Maybe one day I can be this happy in a relationship. I can only hope!
As much as I want to defend Mo, because he has been the house kicking boy since day one, I also do want to just give him a fucking kick too, because he's an arse. He IS lazy, greedy, dull. He IS! God, I literally can't stomach him any longer.
I knew that story Mikey told about the necrophiliac AND the one Darnell told. Why would you use a condom to fuck a corpse though? Nicole proved herself to be thick beyond words during that conversation. I'd pity her if she wasn't such a cunt.
I was surprised Rex was having a heart to heart with Kat. Rex: 'I'm very good in relationships.' Yeah; and I'm incredibly tactful. Is he nuts!? Nicole's defence: 'I get you coffee, I say good luck to you.' For god's sake, just say 'I'M NOT YOUR FUCKING SLAVE, REX.' Relationships aren't about what you can get out of people. You do things for your partner because you love them. You can't force them to do the same if they don't care.
Wtf was Lisa up to for the entire episode? Does she need someone to chat to or what?!
The argument with Rex and Nicole was hard to follow, as they cut out the meat of it, so how do I know what's right or wrong? But what I DO know was wrong was Rex having a go at Nicole for saying she wanted Stu to stay. She meant that utterly innocently. How awful to have your every comment ripped into like that. Poor cow.
I saw some of Rachel's party on the live feed last night, and it was pure comedy. Her singing in particular was hilarious. Kat's: not so much.
They didn't even quiz Stuart on Sarah, did they, despite her banging on about it. Davina's interviews are absolute shit lately, but then Stuart was concussed throughout.
And then we get Rex and Nicole cuddling in bed. That relationship makes a plunging to a watery grave on the Titanic look like a dream holiday. Book me up!

Big Brother 9: 'My Ribs are Big'

Davina! You're too old to wear an Alice band. Soz.
Notable things from tonight: Lisa; 'wasps are the equivalent of a rattlesnake'. I liked BB telling them not to wear sunglasses indoors. Too right.
Rex and Girlfriend truly deserve each other: what a pair of cunt-rags. They are so selfish they can't even be arsed to be nice to each other. The way Rex speaks to Rachel is DISGUSTING. He's a disgrace. Mo has gone INSANE! If I was Kat I'd fear for my life locked up with him. You'd be safer locked in piranha tank. It's a health and safety issue. How RUDE was he to everyone? I would have got him a beer and emptied it in his crotch. Even so, I still want to stab Nicole in the face every time she disses him. What have YOU ever done for the house, you narky, spoilt little shrew? Fuck off! Loved Mikey daring to diss her. Mikey could win at this rate, just by being the voice of dissent.
Stuart: 'I'm a nice fungus, but you wouldn't want to keep me forever.' WHAT!? It turned out to be true, as Rachel stayed, and I was glad just to see Rex's face.
OMG- Stuarts stage-dive was ACE! Rock n roll! Haha did no one really catch him? That was amazing! I heard he was a Moz fan tonight too! Cool bananas. That stage-dive was the most interesting thing he did EVER. He looked dazed after. That moment will go down in BB history; unlike any of the rest of the series.
Q: why did they never show Stu putting on his guyliner and mascara? No mattter how much slap you put on, you can't disguise your manky old face.
My resounding feeling about Stuart is that he doesn't have the SLIGHTEST clue who he is. Which is OK at 15, but past 25 and it's just looking pathetic.
Still: he was alright. Unlike Rex, Mo, Kat, Mikey, Nicole. Lisa to win. It's the only sane result, and NO ONE is expecting it. Except Mario.

Big Brother 9: It only hurts if you say 'ow'

Mikey was a bit creepy jiggling that water around with his bald head, wasn't he? A bit Gollum-esque.
Darnell's freestyle was pretty damn good I thought. The best white rapper since Eminem!
Nomination stations! Darnell nominated sensibly. How can more people not nominate Rex? I don't GET IT. Mikey's nominations were spot on, if WAY too loud.
The return of the expression; 'arse-licker'! Thanks Nicole for bringing that back, you are such a classy lady.
It's bizarre that Stuart and Rachel are up. They are two of the nicest people in the house, and it says a lot about how screwed the house is this year. That house is rotten to the core. Normally at the end you feel like good has won over evil, but I can't see it this year.
That sleeping/water thing is driving me nuts. The atmosphere in the house stinks! Mikey is like the dad from hell. Everyone's has got a bad attitude. Oh God, will it ever end? Do they have to dedicate so much time to the most irritating minor squabbles? It's like Science and the shopping all over again.
How can I care about a fight when I hate both sides and I have no idea what they're fighting about? Sara: sounds utterly moronic when she raises her voice. Why were Darnell and Stuart arguing? hey are both vaguely sensible. Mikey said 'I'm not here to make friends.' I watched that stupid youtube reality TV video where they had clips of a thousand reality losers saying it a zillion times. Mikey, you're a reality cliche!
What was Kat sulking about? Gettting a bit of water on her undercut? Rex imparting words of wisdom! It's like getting counselling from Mugabe! Lisa is an expert in bullshit, not life.
Did you see Rex's knob in his pants? It looked alright. But still! The ginger pubes lurk beneath.
You know it. I know it. Rex knows it. Probably Nicole doesn't, cos she's still getting flashbacks of all that luscious blonde, brown and black hair she ran her fingers through whilst Rex was banged up all summer. Hard luck, Rex.

Big Brother 9: Crappy, Crappy House

I've missed a bit, sorry. I didn't actually miss it, I just didn't drag myself over to the computer and blog it to death. You can tell I'm not into it this year, can't you? What did I leave out? The humiliation of Stale being made to run around in their pants. Dale and Princess Manky Teeth being reunited (how very moving). Er and that's about it.
Nicole is mega getting on my nerves. Her face was (even more) like a slapped arse when her Roxy-esque hair extensions got threatened. Sara was brave to offer to have an undercut. We all had those back in the Doc Martin/German trench-coat days. Some were more successful than others.
Darnell's hair did look somewhat sheepish. I thought his skinhead was alright. It was funny when he called Lisa Sweeney Todd.
Kat: you're retarded! Even so, why do Rex and Veruca Salt have to be so horrible. Dear God, please let them both be up this week, I'd love it. Surely it's a certainty?
MIKEY! STOP! SHOUTING! But... Rex telling him to show some respect is like Hitler telling you to give a Jew a cuddle.
Hmm, Darnell and Lisa slating Kat, interesting. Eyes on the prize, methinks. I liked Kat's undercut and her asymmetric hairdo. Mikey! Long lost Mitchell brother.
How had Nicole never seen whether Rex's belly-button was an inny or an outy before? Has she never given him a blowjob? (Urgh, sorry for the ginger pubes image- I BET he shaves them!) She's right though, he IS pathetic. I don't know how that revealed anything except him being a psycho.
Oh my God, I felt so sorry for Mo when he got told off for slapping Mikey, he was only mucking around. Poor Mo. He can't do anything right. I liked it when Mikey said 'don't mention it out there' so more people didn't start on Mo, it was kind.
All you need to know about Rex was revealed when he went 'yeah!' as he watched his girlfriend stick her tongue down another girl's throat. That's real love right there. How ironic that someone so unpleasantly jealous doesn't mind his girlfriend swapping saliva with another person, as long as they've got a fanny. Pathetic. Plus it is just a show; an offensive, attention seeking gesture by straight women to titillate men and has nothing whatsoever to do with genuine lesbianism or anything associated with it. Gross.
Actually: Rex had a face like thunder after, despite Sara reassuring him, 'it's OK, you own her.' Lovely! She might as well have just bundled feminism into a bag and thrown it in the river.

Big Brother 9: With the Leash Off

Rex. You do need to get rid of a cone. A nation has spoken.
Sarah: your voice is annoying. Shut up. You're a tease. Stop. Give the poor guy a break. Aw, Darnell has never had a girlfriend! What a shame. He's a sweetheart. She'll probably deflower him now. She is such a compliment fisherman! So insecure. She's a head-fuck and a half. And she smacked his arse later. I don't think he'd get away with that, do you?
Rex, Rex, Rex. Nicole should dump him on TV. Is this how he treats his princess? He's abusive. If he's worried she's cheated on him, it's just cos he's cheated on her. I notice Nicole was using the word 'challenge' which was invented by people too afraid to say 'big fucking mess.'
Omg did you see Mohamed's pants?! They are like the sort of pants people have in cartoons. NOT SEXY. What was I expecting? Just black would be preferable, not giant white Y-fronts.
Stale's glee at being up for nomination was annoying. I'm surprised they didn't bang chests together. I don't want them to go, the thick, plastic pair with dour voices. It makes me sad.
Forcing Mo to wear high heels was a bit mean. He gets enough stick anyway! However, he seemed to enjoy it.
Why was Mikey so keen to find out how big Darnell's willy was? How dare Mikey describe Stuart as loud? Mikey addresses the house with as much grace and subtlety as the Sinner or Winner guy (now banned from Oxford Street). However, he was right about Rex; nothing makes him happy, and nothing ever will.
Sarah didn't say she couldn't do the task, she just said she wanted some sleep.
I liked the end when Rex wanted Mikey and Kat to go to bed. He looked ready to kill. You could tell he didn't want his princess mixing with them. It's too late now, Rex, she's contaminated!
I've decided: I want Stu to stay. He has two braincells to Dale's one.

Big Brother 9: Stale's up. Sob.

NB. I don't think men can have camel-toe.
Dale nominating Mohamed: 'he's lazy, he doesn't bring anything to the house, he's not funny, he's not entertaining, he's lazy, so why is he still in the house?' Quite.
Brussell sprouts. Who cares?
Stuart is right: everyone is boring. Including him. Darnell is boring going on about how ugly he is. Rachel is boring because... oh god, you know why. Dale is pretty vacant. If you needed a party entertainer, you wouldn't book any of these losers, would you?
Rachel, 'continue to wash up at your peril' means, stop doing it, thicko. It was funny they made her into a gimp after that. They should have made her wear an actual dog collar. And they should make Mo wear a nappy. And make Dale and Stuart have sex. Sorry, my head's in a funny place at the moment.
It's a shame Stale is up when there is so much dead weight in the house. People I'd rather see go than Stale: Mikey, Rachel, Kat, Mo, Sara.
Dale to Rachel: 'You're not Gandi.' No, she's Mother Teresa.
It's not getting any better, is it?

Big Brother 9: Headbanger's Ball

My laptop is still dead, so here’s your bitesize offering. I cried for 45 minutes of yesterdays BB. Especially the letter from Mario: it was beautiful! Dale’s letter was crap, I’ve had more heartfelt postcards (in fact, a LOT more). Stuart crying was very moving, I’ve warmed to him this week, he’s not faking all that daughter stuff. You can tell he’s actually cut up. He’s still a gonk, though.
Mo’s crying was funny/ cute. Rachel is actually a saint (OK, 10% martyr, but 90% saint) for giving the housemates from hell their letters. I would have let them suffer. She’s is wholly nice: Luke never saw it, but it is true.
Dale describing what ‘underpinned’ meant to Lisa very eloquently. Then Darnell called him ‘super witty and smart as fuck.’ Has Dale had the worst edit in history? Surely not.
Rex choosing to view his own audition tape; what a vain, smug bastard. Did you see Nicole recoil from him again when they were in the hallway? Love’s young dream they aint.
The whole Sara/ Darnell thing got on my nerves; she leads him on a bit (and I wouldn’t say that lightly). What he said to her was nothing. She should have just let it go and got on with it, she’s not exactly a delicate flower like Rachel, is she? I think she likes the attention, and then when she gets it, she pretends she doesn’t want it. Boo.

Big Brother 9: What's the worst that could happen?

My laptop bit the dust yesterday but I felt compelled to write about BB (which is good as I haven’t given much of a shit about it lately). So here’s a next-day quickie/longy.
Putting Rex’s girlfriend in there has been an utter stroke of genius. They imploded a BILLION times quicker than I thought they would. Rex’s girlfriend is miles too good for him (i.e. she appears to have a brain and some kindness in her) but they are well matched in that they are both utterly shallow and insecure. I watched them talk about all the different pairs of jeans she’d brought into the house on the live feed the other day, as he simpered and said how much he liked each pair. Is that really what some couples talk about? Shopping and jeans and bloody money. I would rather be dead.
Rex’s girlfriend styles herself as ‘high maintenance’- what this actually means is ‘I’m a spoilt bitch.’ She wasn’t crying about the suitcase by the way. She was crying because it had dawned on her that her boyfriend was an utter bastard. Needy, insecure, controlling, jealous. And constantly trying to convince himself and the world she’s the second coming. What a croc. I remember Steph! And so do a lot of people, and I bet Nicole does too.
Mikey is being quite a card this week, he’s been involved in some amusing scenes and he’s telling it like it is about Rex and Nicole. I also enjoyed Dale and Stu saying she wasn’t that cute and if you’re going to harp on about her, you’d better make sure she’s fit. I kind of liked Stuart AGAIN yesterday, make it stop.
Rex said it all last night with his ‘if a guy comes up to Nicole in a club I get angry’ (potential wife-beater signal! Run for your life!) then his constant ‘what’s wrong? What’s wrong?’ But what sealed the deal was when he went in the diary room and said ‘this is the worst thing that could have happened.’ Because actually it is. I was annoyed that they seemed to be rewarding Rex, but really it was something else entirely, wasn’t it? I love that he’s been robbed of his happy reunion. I love that they can’t sleep together. I love that their little ploy to get into Hell together didn’t work. I love that every time she looks over his shoulder she looks absolutely sickened, like a bad actor in Eastenders. They both must know that they have fucked up big time. Neither of them can leave. She’s destroyed his game. Their relationship is finished. It’s car crash telly, and joy to watch.
PS. I hate Kat and could happily punch her repeatedly in the face. I just fast forward through her now. The singing, her voice, the cookies, her idiotic banter If she wins, I’m disowning the nation.

Big Brother 9: Fix up, Look Sharp

Needless to say, it was a heartbreak to see the back of Luke. I loved the level of vitriol in his interview. He was totally done of course; there's no fucking WAY he got 37% of the vote out of nine people. There is no possible human way that more people did not pick up the phone for the unbridled horror of the megalomaniac Rex. I'd sooner believe that Mohamed will be the next prime minister.
But then we know why, didn't we? Because Rex's little princess wanted to go in the house. And what Rex and his beautiful, stunning, perfect girlfriend want, they get. But hold on? Where was this goddess-like vision of beauty? Instead we got some bleach blonde, mildly orange, plain-looking girl. As Lisa said; 'a bit common.' But it's not actually Nicole's fault; no one could ever live up to the amount of crowing Rex had done about her.
So what happens when you get everything you ever wanted? Do you go live happily ever after? As that wise old poet Courtney Love once said, 'you get what you want, then you never want it again.'
I believe Rex didn't know she was going in, he looked gobsmacked. Less than four hours later on the live feed he was saying he was 'disappointed' and that it wasn't like he imagined. If he loved her that much, why didn't he spend the entire night sleeping on the floor with her, holding hands through the fence? If you'd not seen the person you love for two months, wouldn't you just want to touch them, to breathe them in?
Still, I'm looking forward to seeing their relationship implode on telly. She must think he's behaved like an absolute cunt, like everyone else does.
Onto tonights show- I LOVED Rex smirking at Mikey when the alarm was going off in the morning, it was pure joy. Making fun of a blind man is truly fantastic viewing. This is the problem with Rex, he is equally as loveably hateful as he is an utter villain. Calling Sara a dog, saying Lisa was threatening him.
So well done, Lisa. Someone finally stood up to him. Her repeatedly saying shut up to him was amazing. How common did she go when she got all angry? It was bizarre. A stand like that can make or break you in BB, so she was brave. Then Rex went running to the diary room, like a big baby. Come on Rex, it wasn't exactly 'pow pow pow' was it. I'm glad BB told him to shut up, basically.
'Misinterpretated' is not a word, Lisa. Rex, who cares if Lisa is 40 or 80 or 14? You're still a cunt. CUNT! God, he actually said he would try and show her some more respect. I'll believe it when I see it. APT! A-P-T. What the fuck? I thought they both dealt with that quite well afterwards actually. Until later, of course.
There was something really moving and wonderful about Kat saying she wanted to have a baby when she got out of the house, it just felt very pure and honest, I thought. I've never heard a friend of mine say those words, it must be mental.
Girlfriend gate: it MUST be a kick in the teeth for everyone else in the house. And she's 19? Fuck me, she must have had a hard life, she looks about 30. 'Isn't she beautiful? Doesn't she look like a princess?' said Rex every ten seconds to the other housemates. No, she looks like a wannabe wag, a Hollyoaks extra, a generic prototype blonde. And you, Rex look like a ginger pig. You can't force other people to find her attractive. You are protesting WAY too much. His controlling nature and utter possessiveness is actually frightening; you can see where it might head eventually, if BB doesn't crush them utterly.
I liked Stu being sarky tonight in the first half of the show. In the Stale stakes, he's my pick at the mo (mind you that's not saying much).
Actually Rex's girlfriend seemed OK in the diary room. I'm glad she said she was going to form her own opinions. But they will be heavily tarnished by his, you can count on it.
Omg, Lisa did a Leo Sayer! How cool. All that sereneness just collapsed and she cracked. I'd definitely go out through the back door not saying goodbye (just like I do in all situations in life!) But then she came back. Oh. I've never done THAT before.
Stuart: 'she knows she's not going to win so she might as well just go.' Charming! 'We could have got a new housemate.' Yeah, thats how we felt before you got in and it was just an uglier, camper Dale; life's a bitch, innit?
I wish Lisa would win. At least she's strong. At least she's kind.