Big Brother 9: Swinging from Dicks

Well done Darnell, that comment was right up there from the Anthony Hutton school of sexism. Just cos she doesn't want to sleep with YOU and you're a virgin, she's a slut. So Sara is flirty and has an annoying voice. So she did lead Darnell on a little, then turn her attentions to Stu. That doesn't make her a slag, or a slut, or any of the other narrow-minded little preconceptions you've been force-fed since birth. It does, however, make you a misogynist. As is Rex, who declared 'there's no problem here' as Kat cried her eyes out. I personally couldn't give two fucks about Kat, but there's not NOT a problem just because Rex declares it so.
Rex is a nasty, sexist cunt, and Mo is a snivelling dick for laughing at his offensive jokes. Rex, your coat is disgusting. Darnell; so what if Sara has slept with a bunch of blokes? At least she's been out living whilst you've been sitting at home whining and self pitying.
I personally feel Rex, Darnell and Mo should be thrown out for that conversation. It was highly offensive and cruel. I hate the fact they think they've won it and that Sara would never have a chance (how they feel about Lisa too). Please let her beat Rex.
Interesting that she could stand up to Darnell but not to Rex. Rex is a unique sort of bully, finding her weakness (Stu) then exploiting it.
Rex constantly declares he's 'only joking' whilst being supremely cruel. Darnell called her 'an ugly bitch'! She's 12 billion times out of his league. The things he said about her were vile 'I hope she comes out crying'. I hope he gets the boot. Gross. No one stood up for her either. Not one person. Disgraceful. I hate Darnell now. Absolute bastard. Rex is doubly sly though, going 'are you alright?' when he started it.
Absolutely maddening.

Big Brother 9: 'I'm sick of this shithole'

Catch up blog! Bank holiday weekend thoughts are here for the taking.
Nicole's eviction: 94% of the vote! Was that all? Nicole created more bad feeling in that house than Jade Goody's mum. Darnell: horrid to Sarah. Digging his own grave with his self-pitying psychosis every single day. Rex: horrid to everyone. How could Darnell say he thinks Rex is a favourite! They are all so browbeaten by him it's not funny. Him paving the way to ingratiate himself back with the other housemates before Nicole left was sickening and utterly transparent. He's about as trustworthy as Gary Glitter on babysitting duties.
Rex: 'I thought I'd feel worse when Nicole got booed, I actually found it quite funny.' Heartwarming! And he smirked when her name was called out. Nice doily for a dress, by the way, Nicole. Then he slated her again the second she left. Chivalry. Is. Dead. Imagine if someone else said they found Nicole getting booed 'funny'.
Darnell; you've hitched your apple-wagon to the wrong star (Rex). And for that... you will pay.
Sundays show: Rex: 'All you need to do to chat up Sara is tell her to bend over' and 'do you really want to get on that?' to Mo. Rex hates women. If he'd said that about me, I'd have slapped him in the face. Sara just laughed. What respect she has for herself. What a sad collection of people in that house.
Mondays show: I liked BB giving them presents. A bit of happiness was well needed in that house. It was AMAZING to have Mario back, Mario owned that place. How cruel that they didn't let him properly in when they let that rancid cuntrag of Rex's in as a housemate. I proper blubbed at the proposal, it was amazing. It was lovely to see them so happy, as they are such a well-matched (bonkers) couple. 110% suited! Haha. The ring was cool, too. Did I see Rex shed a tear? I want a cardboard cutout of Mario! TRIP HAZARD! I hope Lisa sleeps with it later.
Rachel: how can ANYONE be so excited about grapes? Someone drop an E in her drink, for god's sake, her head will come off. Darnell; ungrateful! I'd happily have an Ipod Morrissey-fest on my own in there. That would be sweet!
Kat singing: painful. Mo's blunt schoolboyish courting of Sara; even more so. Having to pay for kisses with booze! Gross.
Two weeks left. It feels like it could be another two months.
Why is the last mile the hardest mile? (cos the housemates suck, that's why)

Big Brother 9: It's Close to Midnight

Aw i liked it when they played Thriller for the alarm and Mikey got scared and they all danced round. It was nice! Obviously it all went to shit soon after.
Nicole: 'I'm the only one who's going to do it perfect.' So modest too! They were well mean to Mikey. Give him a chance. Nicole and Rex were bullying him! They both have the most hideous tone of voice. If either he or she spoke to me like that, I'd fucking nut them. I would happily strangle them both. Mikey looks better now his hair has grown back half an inch. (Did I just say that?)
Reading out the noms in the middle of rehearsals was funny. Way to put them off their stroke. Rex, why should the housemates keep your sour-faced, miserable, rude, nasty, vain, spoilt, ugly bitch of a girlfriend in the house over friends they have had for coming up for three months?
Mikey saying Nicole was stuck up her own arse was brilliant! Just fuck off Nicole, no one likes you. Rex aint gonna follow you out the door either. Selfish cow, not sharing her fags. Let her fucking smoke and get shriveled up, the narky little mingaloid. She should be telling Rex to stay and win it if she loved him, but she doesn't.
Having said that, Rex, you'd be lucky to go out in 5th place, you absolute arsehole. Couldn't believe Nicole berating him for being nice to the other housemates. What an awful trait.
Mikey's diary room diatribe was fab. They weren't being considerate of him during the task. I loved Rachel teaching him, what a kind person she is. She's more useful that 100 Marios. Everyone needs a friend like her. I don't know how Rex has the gall to call himself a choregrapher in that task, he was just a dictator. A twat in a hat.
I quite liked Sarah tonight; she looked pretty again all disheveled and vulnerable.
Lisa or Darnell to win. No, Lisa, cos she's not expecting it, and Darnell thinks it's his divine right.

Big Brother 9: 'I did not sleep one inch'

Nicole: 'I didn't sleep one inch!' I always wondered who voted Conservative, and then here is one prime example, and another one in Rex. Cuntsville! Thick, rich scum! Nice one. I'll be voting NICOLE at the end of the week. Actually, I won't, I've pissed away enough money this month.
Mikey: stop making me agree with you, a part of me dies inside every time. Lisa: Rachel is not some Mario-fancying black-hearted nemesis. It was weird Rachel called Lisa two-faced too, I don't think she is, actually. Their perceptions are all skew-whiff.
Nicole to Rex: 'You've kissed me enough!' Yeah because there is a finite number of kisses you can get from your beloved. Just admit you don't fancy him, you shrewish bint.
Mo nominated Sara for being nice to him. How peculiar.
Nicole: pulled her best lemon-sucking face when Rex was having a bit of a giggle. Don't even get me started on that bogey eating thing: I just didn't look at the screen for ten minutes. It's VILE! Why can't we vote Mo out this week? He is REVOLTING! I demand a recount.

Big Brother 9: What's wrong? Nothing.

Fuck off Kat, trying to teach Nicole to wait on Rex. Yeah she's a spoilt bitch, but it's not a woman's DUTY to cook for their partner, this isn't yesterday's Wife Swap. I'd make Rex his breakfast and drop it in his fucking lap, the arrogant cunt. Top marks to her for being so cruel to him then going 'can I have a fried egg please?'
How funny that Rex suddenly likes the other housemates now Nicole is being such an arsehole.
Urgh, Kat talking about her sex life. 15 times in a day?
Lisa on wasps: 'One sting can kill you.' Rex: 'It's not a fucking elephant.' WHAT?
Loved Mikey telling Nicole what was what. And Rex didn't even stand up for her! Rex seems so happy when she's not around, and even extra happy when she was truly miserable. He seemed to delight in sleeping in B-Block. He was the perkiest I've seen him in months.
It must be hard for Nicole, that she can't talk about the outside world, it would be a form of torture. It's not really fair how he put her on that pedestal then did that to her. I hope she does go out this week, and that her mum gives her a good talking to, and she escapes from the ivory tower and lightens up. Just dear God, don't let me see her and Rex on the cover of OK gloating about their forthcoming marriage or something in a months time. I think Luke and Rebecca's relationship is more credible. At least they LIKE each other.

Big Brother 9: 'Do you remember what the last thing you saw was?'

Mikey, repugnant as he is, is the only one who sees exactly who Rex is (and ironically, he's blind). Lisa sees it a little bit, but only Mikey makes statements that are wholeheartedly true about Rex. And for that; I'm glad he's still there. Nicole's quizzing of Mikey about his blindness was insensitive in the extreme. You saw genuine emotion on his face as he discussed that, and suddenly he became human, not a freaky caricature of a man.
Rex: 'Only tourists have to pay to get into clubs.' Tourists and plebs, Sir Rex. I'm just waiting for him to describe the bus as a 'peasant wagon'.
Statues! Mo had the easiest position, I reckon. Sitting down, but the fat fuck still couldn't keep still. Why? He normally does it beautifully.
Rex as head of house. Good, at least it keeps him in for another week, can you imagine the house with no baddie? His Big Brother impression was chilling.
Mo, Mo, Mo. Bless, he thinks he and Rex will be friends outside the house. They aren't even friends INSIDE the house. And he thinks he's got a chance with Sarah? She's like a cock venus fly-trap.
Love's Young Dream were getting on as usual, with Rex urging her to walk out the door. Funny, when he was there alone, the only thing that mattered to him was her. Now he wants to win the show and for her to fuck off. Which leaves me thinking; if you offered Rex the moon on a stick, he'd want a gold-plated moon in the VIP area with diamonds on the stick. But he'd still hate himself and wonder how many sequins fell off Nicole's dress when she was giving head to that guy with the innie bellybutton.

Big Brother 9: Love's Young Dream

Rex and Nicole! Maybe one day I can be this happy in a relationship. I can only hope!
As much as I want to defend Mo, because he has been the house kicking boy since day one, I also do want to just give him a fucking kick too, because he's an arse. He IS lazy, greedy, dull. He IS! God, I literally can't stomach him any longer.
I knew that story Mikey told about the necrophiliac AND the one Darnell told. Why would you use a condom to fuck a corpse though? Nicole proved herself to be thick beyond words during that conversation. I'd pity her if she wasn't such a cunt.
I was surprised Rex was having a heart to heart with Kat. Rex: 'I'm very good in relationships.' Yeah; and I'm incredibly tactful. Is he nuts!? Nicole's defence: 'I get you coffee, I say good luck to you.' For god's sake, just say 'I'M NOT YOUR FUCKING SLAVE, REX.' Relationships aren't about what you can get out of people. You do things for your partner because you love them. You can't force them to do the same if they don't care.
Wtf was Lisa up to for the entire episode? Does she need someone to chat to or what?!
The argument with Rex and Nicole was hard to follow, as they cut out the meat of it, so how do I know what's right or wrong? But what I DO know was wrong was Rex having a go at Nicole for saying she wanted Stu to stay. She meant that utterly innocently. How awful to have your every comment ripped into like that. Poor cow.
I saw some of Rachel's party on the live feed last night, and it was pure comedy. Her singing in particular was hilarious. Kat's: not so much.
They didn't even quiz Stuart on Sarah, did they, despite her banging on about it. Davina's interviews are absolute shit lately, but then Stuart was concussed throughout.
And then we get Rex and Nicole cuddling in bed. That relationship makes a plunging to a watery grave on the Titanic look like a dream holiday. Book me up!

Big Brother 9: 'My Ribs are Big'

Davina! You're too old to wear an Alice band. Soz.
Notable things from tonight: Lisa; 'wasps are the equivalent of a rattlesnake'. I liked BB telling them not to wear sunglasses indoors. Too right.
Rex and Girlfriend truly deserve each other: what a pair of cunt-rags. They are so selfish they can't even be arsed to be nice to each other. The way Rex speaks to Rachel is DISGUSTING. He's a disgrace. Mo has gone INSANE! If I was Kat I'd fear for my life locked up with him. You'd be safer locked in piranha tank. It's a health and safety issue. How RUDE was he to everyone? I would have got him a beer and emptied it in his crotch. Even so, I still want to stab Nicole in the face every time she disses him. What have YOU ever done for the house, you narky, spoilt little shrew? Fuck off! Loved Mikey daring to diss her. Mikey could win at this rate, just by being the voice of dissent.
Stuart: 'I'm a nice fungus, but you wouldn't want to keep me forever.' WHAT!? It turned out to be true, as Rachel stayed, and I was glad just to see Rex's face.
OMG- Stuarts stage-dive was ACE! Rock n roll! Haha did no one really catch him? That was amazing! I heard he was a Moz fan tonight too! Cool bananas. That stage-dive was the most interesting thing he did EVER. He looked dazed after. That moment will go down in BB history; unlike any of the rest of the series.
Q: why did they never show Stu putting on his guyliner and mascara? No mattter how much slap you put on, you can't disguise your manky old face.
My resounding feeling about Stuart is that he doesn't have the SLIGHTEST clue who he is. Which is OK at 15, but past 25 and it's just looking pathetic.
Still: he was alright. Unlike Rex, Mo, Kat, Mikey, Nicole. Lisa to win. It's the only sane result, and NO ONE is expecting it. Except Mario.

Big Brother 9: It only hurts if you say 'ow'

Mikey was a bit creepy jiggling that water around with his bald head, wasn't he? A bit Gollum-esque.
Darnell's freestyle was pretty damn good I thought. The best white rapper since Eminem!
Nomination stations! Darnell nominated sensibly. How can more people not nominate Rex? I don't GET IT. Mikey's nominations were spot on, if WAY too loud.
The return of the expression; 'arse-licker'! Thanks Nicole for bringing that back, you are such a classy lady.
It's bizarre that Stuart and Rachel are up. They are two of the nicest people in the house, and it says a lot about how screwed the house is this year. That house is rotten to the core. Normally at the end you feel like good has won over evil, but I can't see it this year.
That sleeping/water thing is driving me nuts. The atmosphere in the house stinks! Mikey is like the dad from hell. Everyone's has got a bad attitude. Oh God, will it ever end? Do they have to dedicate so much time to the most irritating minor squabbles? It's like Science and the shopping all over again.
How can I care about a fight when I hate both sides and I have no idea what they're fighting about? Sara: sounds utterly moronic when she raises her voice. Why were Darnell and Stuart arguing? hey are both vaguely sensible. Mikey said 'I'm not here to make friends.' I watched that stupid youtube reality TV video where they had clips of a thousand reality losers saying it a zillion times. Mikey, you're a reality cliche!
What was Kat sulking about? Gettting a bit of water on her undercut? Rex imparting words of wisdom! It's like getting counselling from Mugabe! Lisa is an expert in bullshit, not life.
Did you see Rex's knob in his pants? It looked alright. But still! The ginger pubes lurk beneath.
You know it. I know it. Rex knows it. Probably Nicole doesn't, cos she's still getting flashbacks of all that luscious blonde, brown and black hair she ran her fingers through whilst Rex was banged up all summer. Hard luck, Rex.

Big Brother 9: Crappy, Crappy House

I've missed a bit, sorry. I didn't actually miss it, I just didn't drag myself over to the computer and blog it to death. You can tell I'm not into it this year, can't you? What did I leave out? The humiliation of Stale being made to run around in their pants. Dale and Princess Manky Teeth being reunited (how very moving). Er and that's about it.
Nicole is mega getting on my nerves. Her face was (even more) like a slapped arse when her Roxy-esque hair extensions got threatened. Sara was brave to offer to have an undercut. We all had those back in the Doc Martin/German trench-coat days. Some were more successful than others.
Darnell's hair did look somewhat sheepish. I thought his skinhead was alright. It was funny when he called Lisa Sweeney Todd.
Kat: you're retarded! Even so, why do Rex and Veruca Salt have to be so horrible. Dear God, please let them both be up this week, I'd love it. Surely it's a certainty?
MIKEY! STOP! SHOUTING! But... Rex telling him to show some respect is like Hitler telling you to give a Jew a cuddle.
Hmm, Darnell and Lisa slating Kat, interesting. Eyes on the prize, methinks. I liked Kat's undercut and her asymmetric hairdo. Mikey! Long lost Mitchell brother.
How had Nicole never seen whether Rex's belly-button was an inny or an outy before? Has she never given him a blowjob? (Urgh, sorry for the ginger pubes image- I BET he shaves them!) She's right though, he IS pathetic. I don't know how that revealed anything except him being a psycho.
Oh my God, I felt so sorry for Mo when he got told off for slapping Mikey, he was only mucking around. Poor Mo. He can't do anything right. I liked it when Mikey said 'don't mention it out there' so more people didn't start on Mo, it was kind.
All you need to know about Rex was revealed when he went 'yeah!' as he watched his girlfriend stick her tongue down another girl's throat. That's real love right there. How ironic that someone so unpleasantly jealous doesn't mind his girlfriend swapping saliva with another person, as long as they've got a fanny. Pathetic. Plus it is just a show; an offensive, attention seeking gesture by straight women to titillate men and has nothing whatsoever to do with genuine lesbianism or anything associated with it. Gross.
Actually: Rex had a face like thunder after, despite Sara reassuring him, 'it's OK, you own her.' Lovely! She might as well have just bundled feminism into a bag and thrown it in the river.

Big Brother 9: With the Leash Off

Rex. You do need to get rid of a cone. A nation has spoken.
Sarah: your voice is annoying. Shut up. You're a tease. Stop. Give the poor guy a break. Aw, Darnell has never had a girlfriend! What a shame. He's a sweetheart. She'll probably deflower him now. She is such a compliment fisherman! So insecure. She's a head-fuck and a half. And she smacked his arse later. I don't think he'd get away with that, do you?
Rex, Rex, Rex. Nicole should dump him on TV. Is this how he treats his princess? He's abusive. If he's worried she's cheated on him, it's just cos he's cheated on her. I notice Nicole was using the word 'challenge' which was invented by people too afraid to say 'big fucking mess.'
Omg did you see Mohamed's pants?! They are like the sort of pants people have in cartoons. NOT SEXY. What was I expecting? Just black would be preferable, not giant white Y-fronts.
Stale's glee at being up for nomination was annoying. I'm surprised they didn't bang chests together. I don't want them to go, the thick, plastic pair with dour voices. It makes me sad.
Forcing Mo to wear high heels was a bit mean. He gets enough stick anyway! However, he seemed to enjoy it.
Why was Mikey so keen to find out how big Darnell's willy was? How dare Mikey describe Stuart as loud? Mikey addresses the house with as much grace and subtlety as the Sinner or Winner guy (now banned from Oxford Street). However, he was right about Rex; nothing makes him happy, and nothing ever will.
Sarah didn't say she couldn't do the task, she just said she wanted some sleep.
I liked the end when Rex wanted Mikey and Kat to go to bed. He looked ready to kill. You could tell he didn't want his princess mixing with them. It's too late now, Rex, she's contaminated!
I've decided: I want Stu to stay. He has two braincells to Dale's one.

Big Brother 9: Stale's up. Sob.

NB. I don't think men can have camel-toe.
Dale nominating Mohamed: 'he's lazy, he doesn't bring anything to the house, he's not funny, he's not entertaining, he's lazy, so why is he still in the house?' Quite.
Brussell sprouts. Who cares?
Stuart is right: everyone is boring. Including him. Darnell is boring going on about how ugly he is. Rachel is boring because... oh god, you know why. Dale is pretty vacant. If you needed a party entertainer, you wouldn't book any of these losers, would you?
Rachel, 'continue to wash up at your peril' means, stop doing it, thicko. It was funny they made her into a gimp after that. They should have made her wear an actual dog collar. And they should make Mo wear a nappy. And make Dale and Stuart have sex. Sorry, my head's in a funny place at the moment.
It's a shame Stale is up when there is so much dead weight in the house. People I'd rather see go than Stale: Mikey, Rachel, Kat, Mo, Sara.
Dale to Rachel: 'You're not Gandi.' No, she's Mother Teresa.
It's not getting any better, is it?

Big Brother 9: Headbanger's Ball

My laptop is still dead, so here’s your bitesize offering. I cried for 45 minutes of yesterdays BB. Especially the letter from Mario: it was beautiful! Dale’s letter was crap, I’ve had more heartfelt postcards (in fact, a LOT more). Stuart crying was very moving, I’ve warmed to him this week, he’s not faking all that daughter stuff. You can tell he’s actually cut up. He’s still a gonk, though.
Mo’s crying was funny/ cute. Rachel is actually a saint (OK, 10% martyr, but 90% saint) for giving the housemates from hell their letters. I would have let them suffer. She’s is wholly nice: Luke never saw it, but it is true.
Dale describing what ‘underpinned’ meant to Lisa very eloquently. Then Darnell called him ‘super witty and smart as fuck.’ Has Dale had the worst edit in history? Surely not.
Rex choosing to view his own audition tape; what a vain, smug bastard. Did you see Nicole recoil from him again when they were in the hallway? Love’s young dream they aint.
The whole Sara/ Darnell thing got on my nerves; she leads him on a bit (and I wouldn’t say that lightly). What he said to her was nothing. She should have just let it go and got on with it, she’s not exactly a delicate flower like Rachel, is she? I think she likes the attention, and then when she gets it, she pretends she doesn’t want it. Boo.

Big Brother 9: What's the worst that could happen?

My laptop bit the dust yesterday but I felt compelled to write about BB (which is good as I haven’t given much of a shit about it lately). So here’s a next-day quickie/longy.
Putting Rex’s girlfriend in there has been an utter stroke of genius. They imploded a BILLION times quicker than I thought they would. Rex’s girlfriend is miles too good for him (i.e. she appears to have a brain and some kindness in her) but they are well matched in that they are both utterly shallow and insecure. I watched them talk about all the different pairs of jeans she’d brought into the house on the live feed the other day, as he simpered and said how much he liked each pair. Is that really what some couples talk about? Shopping and jeans and bloody money. I would rather be dead.
Rex’s girlfriend styles herself as ‘high maintenance’- what this actually means is ‘I’m a spoilt bitch.’ She wasn’t crying about the suitcase by the way. She was crying because it had dawned on her that her boyfriend was an utter bastard. Needy, insecure, controlling, jealous. And constantly trying to convince himself and the world she’s the second coming. What a croc. I remember Steph! And so do a lot of people, and I bet Nicole does too.
Mikey is being quite a card this week, he’s been involved in some amusing scenes and he’s telling it like it is about Rex and Nicole. I also enjoyed Dale and Stu saying she wasn’t that cute and if you’re going to harp on about her, you’d better make sure she’s fit. I kind of liked Stuart AGAIN yesterday, make it stop.
Rex said it all last night with his ‘if a guy comes up to Nicole in a club I get angry’ (potential wife-beater signal! Run for your life!) then his constant ‘what’s wrong? What’s wrong?’ But what sealed the deal was when he went in the diary room and said ‘this is the worst thing that could have happened.’ Because actually it is. I was annoyed that they seemed to be rewarding Rex, but really it was something else entirely, wasn’t it? I love that he’s been robbed of his happy reunion. I love that they can’t sleep together. I love that their little ploy to get into Hell together didn’t work. I love that every time she looks over his shoulder she looks absolutely sickened, like a bad actor in Eastenders. They both must know that they have fucked up big time. Neither of them can leave. She’s destroyed his game. Their relationship is finished. It’s car crash telly, and joy to watch.
PS. I hate Kat and could happily punch her repeatedly in the face. I just fast forward through her now. The singing, her voice, the cookies, her idiotic banter If she wins, I’m disowning the nation.