Big Brother 9: 'My Ribs are Big'

Davina! You're too old to wear an Alice band. Soz.
Notable things from tonight: Lisa; 'wasps are the equivalent of a rattlesnake'. I liked BB telling them not to wear sunglasses indoors. Too right.
Rex and Girlfriend truly deserve each other: what a pair of cunt-rags. They are so selfish they can't even be arsed to be nice to each other. The way Rex speaks to Rachel is DISGUSTING. He's a disgrace. Mo has gone INSANE! If I was Kat I'd fear for my life locked up with him. You'd be safer locked in piranha tank. It's a health and safety issue. How RUDE was he to everyone? I would have got him a beer and emptied it in his crotch. Even so, I still want to stab Nicole in the face every time she disses him. What have YOU ever done for the house, you narky, spoilt little shrew? Fuck off! Loved Mikey daring to diss her. Mikey could win at this rate, just by being the voice of dissent.
Stuart: 'I'm a nice fungus, but you wouldn't want to keep me forever.' WHAT!? It turned out to be true, as Rachel stayed, and I was glad just to see Rex's face.
OMG- Stuarts stage-dive was ACE! Rock n roll! Haha did no one really catch him? That was amazing! I heard he was a Moz fan tonight too! Cool bananas. That stage-dive was the most interesting thing he did EVER. He looked dazed after. That moment will go down in BB history; unlike any of the rest of the series.
Q: why did they never show Stu putting on his guyliner and mascara? No mattter how much slap you put on, you can't disguise your manky old face.
My resounding feeling about Stuart is that he doesn't have the SLIGHTEST clue who he is. Which is OK at 15, but past 25 and it's just looking pathetic.
Still: he was alright. Unlike Rex, Mo, Kat, Mikey, Nicole. Lisa to win. It's the only sane result, and NO ONE is expecting it. Except Mario.

Big Brother 9: It only hurts if you say 'ow'

Mikey was a bit creepy jiggling that water around with his bald head, wasn't he? A bit Gollum-esque.
Darnell's freestyle was pretty damn good I thought. The best white rapper since Eminem!
Nomination stations! Darnell nominated sensibly. How can more people not nominate Rex? I don't GET IT. Mikey's nominations were spot on, if WAY too loud.
The return of the expression; 'arse-licker'! Thanks Nicole for bringing that back, you are such a classy lady.
It's bizarre that Stuart and Rachel are up. They are two of the nicest people in the house, and it says a lot about how screwed the house is this year. That house is rotten to the core. Normally at the end you feel like good has won over evil, but I can't see it this year.
That sleeping/water thing is driving me nuts. The atmosphere in the house stinks! Mikey is like the dad from hell. Everyone's has got a bad attitude. Oh God, will it ever end? Do they have to dedicate so much time to the most irritating minor squabbles? It's like Science and the shopping all over again.
How can I care about a fight when I hate both sides and I have no idea what they're fighting about? Sara: sounds utterly moronic when she raises her voice. Why were Darnell and Stuart arguing? hey are both vaguely sensible. Mikey said 'I'm not here to make friends.' I watched that stupid youtube reality TV video where they had clips of a thousand reality losers saying it a zillion times. Mikey, you're a reality cliche!
What was Kat sulking about? Gettting a bit of water on her undercut? Rex imparting words of wisdom! It's like getting counselling from Mugabe! Lisa is an expert in bullshit, not life.
Did you see Rex's knob in his pants? It looked alright. But still! The ginger pubes lurk beneath.
You know it. I know it. Rex knows it. Probably Nicole doesn't, cos she's still getting flashbacks of all that luscious blonde, brown and black hair she ran her fingers through whilst Rex was banged up all summer. Hard luck, Rex.

Big Brother 9: Crappy, Crappy House

I've missed a bit, sorry. I didn't actually miss it, I just didn't drag myself over to the computer and blog it to death. You can tell I'm not into it this year, can't you? What did I leave out? The humiliation of Stale being made to run around in their pants. Dale and Princess Manky Teeth being reunited (how very moving). Er and that's about it.
Nicole is mega getting on my nerves. Her face was (even more) like a slapped arse when her Roxy-esque hair extensions got threatened. Sara was brave to offer to have an undercut. We all had those back in the Doc Martin/German trench-coat days. Some were more successful than others.
Darnell's hair did look somewhat sheepish. I thought his skinhead was alright. It was funny when he called Lisa Sweeney Todd.
Kat: you're retarded! Even so, why do Rex and Veruca Salt have to be so horrible. Dear God, please let them both be up this week, I'd love it. Surely it's a certainty?
MIKEY! STOP! SHOUTING! But... Rex telling him to show some respect is like Hitler telling you to give a Jew a cuddle.
Hmm, Darnell and Lisa slating Kat, interesting. Eyes on the prize, methinks. I liked Kat's undercut and her asymmetric hairdo. Mikey! Long lost Mitchell brother.
How had Nicole never seen whether Rex's belly-button was an inny or an outy before? Has she never given him a blowjob? (Urgh, sorry for the ginger pubes image- I BET he shaves them!) She's right though, he IS pathetic. I don't know how that revealed anything except him being a psycho.
Oh my God, I felt so sorry for Mo when he got told off for slapping Mikey, he was only mucking around. Poor Mo. He can't do anything right. I liked it when Mikey said 'don't mention it out there' so more people didn't start on Mo, it was kind.
All you need to know about Rex was revealed when he went 'yeah!' as he watched his girlfriend stick her tongue down another girl's throat. That's real love right there. How ironic that someone so unpleasantly jealous doesn't mind his girlfriend swapping saliva with another person, as long as they've got a fanny. Pathetic. Plus it is just a show; an offensive, attention seeking gesture by straight women to titillate men and has nothing whatsoever to do with genuine lesbianism or anything associated with it. Gross.
Actually: Rex had a face like thunder after, despite Sara reassuring him, 'it's OK, you own her.' Lovely! She might as well have just bundled feminism into a bag and thrown it in the river.

Big Brother 9: With the Leash Off

Rex. You do need to get rid of a cone. A nation has spoken.
Sarah: your voice is annoying. Shut up. You're a tease. Stop. Give the poor guy a break. Aw, Darnell has never had a girlfriend! What a shame. He's a sweetheart. She'll probably deflower him now. She is such a compliment fisherman! So insecure. She's a head-fuck and a half. And she smacked his arse later. I don't think he'd get away with that, do you?
Rex, Rex, Rex. Nicole should dump him on TV. Is this how he treats his princess? He's abusive. If he's worried she's cheated on him, it's just cos he's cheated on her. I notice Nicole was using the word 'challenge' which was invented by people too afraid to say 'big fucking mess.'
Omg did you see Mohamed's pants?! They are like the sort of pants people have in cartoons. NOT SEXY. What was I expecting? Just black would be preferable, not giant white Y-fronts.
Stale's glee at being up for nomination was annoying. I'm surprised they didn't bang chests together. I don't want them to go, the thick, plastic pair with dour voices. It makes me sad.
Forcing Mo to wear high heels was a bit mean. He gets enough stick anyway! However, he seemed to enjoy it.
Why was Mikey so keen to find out how big Darnell's willy was? How dare Mikey describe Stuart as loud? Mikey addresses the house with as much grace and subtlety as the Sinner or Winner guy (now banned from Oxford Street). However, he was right about Rex; nothing makes him happy, and nothing ever will.
Sarah didn't say she couldn't do the task, she just said she wanted some sleep.
I liked the end when Rex wanted Mikey and Kat to go to bed. He looked ready to kill. You could tell he didn't want his princess mixing with them. It's too late now, Rex, she's contaminated!
I've decided: I want Stu to stay. He has two braincells to Dale's one.

Big Brother 9: Stale's up. Sob.

NB. I don't think men can have camel-toe.
Dale nominating Mohamed: 'he's lazy, he doesn't bring anything to the house, he's not funny, he's not entertaining, he's lazy, so why is he still in the house?' Quite.
Brussell sprouts. Who cares?
Stuart is right: everyone is boring. Including him. Darnell is boring going on about how ugly he is. Rachel is boring because... oh god, you know why. Dale is pretty vacant. If you needed a party entertainer, you wouldn't book any of these losers, would you?
Rachel, 'continue to wash up at your peril' means, stop doing it, thicko. It was funny they made her into a gimp after that. They should have made her wear an actual dog collar. And they should make Mo wear a nappy. And make Dale and Stuart have sex. Sorry, my head's in a funny place at the moment.
It's a shame Stale is up when there is so much dead weight in the house. People I'd rather see go than Stale: Mikey, Rachel, Kat, Mo, Sara.
Dale to Rachel: 'You're not Gandi.' No, she's Mother Teresa.
It's not getting any better, is it?

Big Brother 9: Headbanger's Ball

My laptop is still dead, so here’s your bitesize offering. I cried for 45 minutes of yesterdays BB. Especially the letter from Mario: it was beautiful! Dale’s letter was crap, I’ve had more heartfelt postcards (in fact, a LOT more). Stuart crying was very moving, I’ve warmed to him this week, he’s not faking all that daughter stuff. You can tell he’s actually cut up. He’s still a gonk, though.
Mo’s crying was funny/ cute. Rachel is actually a saint (OK, 10% martyr, but 90% saint) for giving the housemates from hell their letters. I would have let them suffer. She’s is wholly nice: Luke never saw it, but it is true.
Dale describing what ‘underpinned’ meant to Lisa very eloquently. Then Darnell called him ‘super witty and smart as fuck.’ Has Dale had the worst edit in history? Surely not.
Rex choosing to view his own audition tape; what a vain, smug bastard. Did you see Nicole recoil from him again when they were in the hallway? Love’s young dream they aint.
The whole Sara/ Darnell thing got on my nerves; she leads him on a bit (and I wouldn’t say that lightly). What he said to her was nothing. She should have just let it go and got on with it, she’s not exactly a delicate flower like Rachel, is she? I think she likes the attention, and then when she gets it, she pretends she doesn’t want it. Boo.

Big Brother 9: What's the worst that could happen?

My laptop bit the dust yesterday but I felt compelled to write about BB (which is good as I haven’t given much of a shit about it lately). So here’s a next-day quickie/longy.
Putting Rex’s girlfriend in there has been an utter stroke of genius. They imploded a BILLION times quicker than I thought they would. Rex’s girlfriend is miles too good for him (i.e. she appears to have a brain and some kindness in her) but they are well matched in that they are both utterly shallow and insecure. I watched them talk about all the different pairs of jeans she’d brought into the house on the live feed the other day, as he simpered and said how much he liked each pair. Is that really what some couples talk about? Shopping and jeans and bloody money. I would rather be dead.
Rex’s girlfriend styles herself as ‘high maintenance’- what this actually means is ‘I’m a spoilt bitch.’ She wasn’t crying about the suitcase by the way. She was crying because it had dawned on her that her boyfriend was an utter bastard. Needy, insecure, controlling, jealous. And constantly trying to convince himself and the world she’s the second coming. What a croc. I remember Steph! And so do a lot of people, and I bet Nicole does too.
Mikey is being quite a card this week, he’s been involved in some amusing scenes and he’s telling it like it is about Rex and Nicole. I also enjoyed Dale and Stu saying she wasn’t that cute and if you’re going to harp on about her, you’d better make sure she’s fit. I kind of liked Stuart AGAIN yesterday, make it stop.
Rex said it all last night with his ‘if a guy comes up to Nicole in a club I get angry’ (potential wife-beater signal! Run for your life!) then his constant ‘what’s wrong? What’s wrong?’ But what sealed the deal was when he went in the diary room and said ‘this is the worst thing that could have happened.’ Because actually it is. I was annoyed that they seemed to be rewarding Rex, but really it was something else entirely, wasn’t it? I love that he’s been robbed of his happy reunion. I love that they can’t sleep together. I love that their little ploy to get into Hell together didn’t work. I love that every time she looks over his shoulder she looks absolutely sickened, like a bad actor in Eastenders. They both must know that they have fucked up big time. Neither of them can leave. She’s destroyed his game. Their relationship is finished. It’s car crash telly, and joy to watch.
PS. I hate Kat and could happily punch her repeatedly in the face. I just fast forward through her now. The singing, her voice, the cookies, her idiotic banter If she wins, I’m disowning the nation.

Big Brother 9: Fix up, Look Sharp

Needless to say, it was a heartbreak to see the back of Luke. I loved the level of vitriol in his interview. He was totally done of course; there's no fucking WAY he got 37% of the vote out of nine people. There is no possible human way that more people did not pick up the phone for the unbridled horror of the megalomaniac Rex. I'd sooner believe that Mohamed will be the next prime minister.
But then we know why, didn't we? Because Rex's little princess wanted to go in the house. And what Rex and his beautiful, stunning, perfect girlfriend want, they get. But hold on? Where was this goddess-like vision of beauty? Instead we got some bleach blonde, mildly orange, plain-looking girl. As Lisa said; 'a bit common.' But it's not actually Nicole's fault; no one could ever live up to the amount of crowing Rex had done about her.
So what happens when you get everything you ever wanted? Do you go live happily ever after? As that wise old poet Courtney Love once said, 'you get what you want, then you never want it again.'
I believe Rex didn't know she was going in, he looked gobsmacked. Less than four hours later on the live feed he was saying he was 'disappointed' and that it wasn't like he imagined. If he loved her that much, why didn't he spend the entire night sleeping on the floor with her, holding hands through the fence? If you'd not seen the person you love for two months, wouldn't you just want to touch them, to breathe them in?
Still, I'm looking forward to seeing their relationship implode on telly. She must think he's behaved like an absolute cunt, like everyone else does.
Onto tonights show- I LOVED Rex smirking at Mikey when the alarm was going off in the morning, it was pure joy. Making fun of a blind man is truly fantastic viewing. This is the problem with Rex, he is equally as loveably hateful as he is an utter villain. Calling Sara a dog, saying Lisa was threatening him.
So well done, Lisa. Someone finally stood up to him. Her repeatedly saying shut up to him was amazing. How common did she go when she got all angry? It was bizarre. A stand like that can make or break you in BB, so she was brave. Then Rex went running to the diary room, like a big baby. Come on Rex, it wasn't exactly 'pow pow pow' was it. I'm glad BB told him to shut up, basically.
'Misinterpretated' is not a word, Lisa. Rex, who cares if Lisa is 40 or 80 or 14? You're still a cunt. CUNT! God, he actually said he would try and show her some more respect. I'll believe it when I see it. APT! A-P-T. What the fuck? I thought they both dealt with that quite well afterwards actually. Until later, of course.
There was something really moving and wonderful about Kat saying she wanted to have a baby when she got out of the house, it just felt very pure and honest, I thought. I've never heard a friend of mine say those words, it must be mental.
Girlfriend gate: it MUST be a kick in the teeth for everyone else in the house. And she's 19? Fuck me, she must have had a hard life, she looks about 30. 'Isn't she beautiful? Doesn't she look like a princess?' said Rex every ten seconds to the other housemates. No, she looks like a wannabe wag, a Hollyoaks extra, a generic prototype blonde. And you, Rex look like a ginger pig. You can't force other people to find her attractive. You are protesting WAY too much. His controlling nature and utter possessiveness is actually frightening; you can see where it might head eventually, if BB doesn't crush them utterly.
I liked Stu being sarky tonight in the first half of the show. In the Stale stakes, he's my pick at the mo (mind you that's not saying much).
Actually Rex's girlfriend seemed OK in the diary room. I'm glad she said she was going to form her own opinions. But they will be heavily tarnished by his, you can count on it.
Omg, Lisa did a Leo Sayer! How cool. All that sereneness just collapsed and she cracked. I'd definitely go out through the back door not saying goodbye (just like I do in all situations in life!) But then she came back. Oh. I've never done THAT before.
Stuart: 'she knows she's not going to win so she might as well just go.' Charming! 'We could have got a new housemate.' Yeah, thats how we felt before you got in and it was just an uglier, camper Dale; life's a bitch, innit?
I wish Lisa would win. At least she's strong. At least she's kind.

Big Brother 9: Makeshift Mafia

Rex! You're being a dick! STOP IT!
The producers obviously didn't trust the Heavenly housemates to vote the right way so they doctored the noms again. Zzzz.
Nominating Dale for his VT is stupid. Anyone would say anything to get on telly. So what?
Lisa's friend discovered 'human DNA' and is 'into martial arts'. Cool. Rex nominating Dale for disrespecting women was a joke. He's disrespected Rachel non-stop in that house, then called Maysoon 'slutty'. Charmed, I'm sure. Her VT was not overly sexy at all.
I wanted to punch Rex in the garden, he was being such a CUNT. I was glad Lisa called him a joke. The atmosphere in the house is irreparable in my opinion, and it's not even entertaining, it's painful to watch. Rex because a true bully today, even insulting his friend Mo. Really unpleasant stuff. I get that he was trying to get nommed. But it was still gross. I'm glad Kat took him to task, as best she could.
Dale's self-fulfilling prophecy of trying to annoy the housemates ended up paying off. Can't believe Rachel didn't nominate Rex, she must be a masochist.
Luke proved himself out of touch as usual by voting the nicest people in the house. They are wankers though. I was depressed he and Luke were up (until they fixed the nominations). Another nail in the big brother coffin (as opposed to any fanny in the BB house).
Literally the only good thing in the house is Lisa's utter delusions. And that is IT.

Big Brother 9: 'I'd Swap you for Scrabble'

'If there's any fanny in there... I'm gonna nail it'. Still the quote of the series so far- until tonight!
Hehe, I like the fact Lisa was being mean to Kat and Rachel, it's good! Rachel and Kat are totally ostracised in that house at the moment. HAPPY HAPPY HOUSE! Dickheads. I enjoyed seeing Kat crack. Bring Rebecca back!
I love the nomination pod thing: it's a dastardly way to fuck over the nicey-nice people. Put the favourites up! Good plan. I liked hearing them discuss that, it was good fun, like when you get to hear what people are thinking in Eastenders when they do a two-hander sometimes. Luke looked sickened!
I don't want Luke or Darnell to go up! I was pleased Stuart said he wasn't going to vote that way. I like Stuart quite a bit more lately. I just have to try and forget about Princess Manky Teeth and her reign of terror, hard as it is.
Showing the video tapes was amazing. Dale's was pure class. If only PMT WAS still in there for that. He's not a knob, you idiots, he just said it to get on the show!
Maysoon: lives life on the edge! Yeah, on the straight-edge, you dullard.
Rachel's video: flirty, funny... silly. False advertising! Rex was harsh on her though. She's not a liar. She's just a bore. So what if she said 'shit'! It's hardly up there with Alex's 'pow pow pow', is it? They were a bit cruel to her when they came out.
LOVED Mikey saying 'this whole blind thing's just an act, I can see in my VT.'
Dale should have laughed when they quoted him on the 'fanny' thing. Him going 'no way' was ridiculous. Is he that thick he didn't remember? May did nothing in her video. She DID NOT sound like she was well into sex. Rachel did nothing wrong either. Rex was out of order. He totally has a massive grudge against her. I'd have stood up and told him to fuck off. Stand up for yourself! He is a complete bully. 'Caught red handed'- she didn't rape someone Rex, she just hadn't had her spirit broken by you at that point. Give the girl a break.
Having said that 'I'd swap you for Scrabble' was an absolute genius line, best so far, so all is forgiven.

Big Brother 9: 'This Looks Like a Dildo'

I was out watching the filming of Ponderland on Friday, which was jolly good fun. In my absence Big Brother officially died. With Rebecca's departure, it left the house dangerously full of boring bastards, moaning wankers who don't want to be there, and a bunch of people trying so hard to be nice, they become utterly repellent.
I felt so sad when Rebecca went; Luke's reaction to her snogging Mohamed was the most 'real' moment on BB since the whole Ziggy/Chanelle fall out. Luke and Becks were the only interesting thing in the house, because they were honest. She was an arsehole; but she was entertaining. The producers must have been crying their eyes out.
I kind of want Luke to win at the moment; just because he's entertaining in the diary room, and he has the courage to actually say what he thinks. I liked the way he was giving Kat evils today. She would drive me up the wall in there too. He looks like a broken man without Rebecca. His stylish hair has died a death too.
Watching Dale get tortured via chilli was quite amusing. I'm finding Mohamed hard to look at lately. He is the opposite of sexy.
Forty six days left! It will be a MIRACLE if anyone is still watching by the end of it. The constant singing is murderously painful. I feel how Luke looks. Gutted.

Big Brother 9: Down the Rabbit Hole

I like all the clocks, it's quite Dali-esque isn't it? It reminds me of a task Derren did once where he made people pick an object out of loads in a big room like that.
Watching people count in their heads is strangely compelling. Clock heads!
Mikey's voice! ARGH! I'd kill him with a spade. There'd be no option.
Darnell's reaction to being nominated was ridiculous. What do you expect? You've been an arse all week! It's not the housemates fault: it's YOURS. You're acting like a real dick about it. It's not 'too early'. It's TIME! I was embarrassed when he said he expected to go to the end. You're meant to THINK that, not SAY it! It made me want him out big-time. He was totally dismissive of Becks too. She's a human too! She has feelings!
Oh my God, I AGREED with Dale again tonight. Just kill me right now. It is an unpopularity contest. Deal with it. Poor Darnell; 'people don't like me'. Welcome to the world. There's nothing worse than a bad loser. Why is Dale saying he wants to go home now, though? I don't get it.
Lisa finally looked like she was going to snap about the hampers! Yay! Push her over the edge. Make her cry! I want to see it.
Did Rachel really ask Darnell if he was black? How long has she lived in there with him? How can they NEVER have had that conversation? That is downright offensive!
Urgh, Dale listening to Luke and Becks snog! That's not my idea of winning threesome. Her time is up: I don't think even that threesome on the kitchen worktops could save her now.

Big Brother 9: If you want to go, go.

It doesn't seem like a week since last nominations. Darnell IS volatile now. BB is depressing me. I don't want Dale to be liked! It's rub. I can feel a sulk coming on.
I'd actually be quite happy to see the back of Mohamed this week. He isn't happy in there and no one likes him. It would be a crime to lose Becks or Darnell over him.
I liked Mikey telling Rex there was nothing stopping him going home, it was class. My thoughts exactly. It's not prison, just get off your arse, and walk back to your orange girlfriend and pray she forgot about those couple of days when you were trying to get off with Steph. Remember I told you, Rexy.
I was annoyed that Darnell nominated Rebecca and Luke. They are cruel, but at least they're funny.
Why does BB they insist on calling Mikey Michael now, by the way? It's really annoying. I can't believe he hates Kat! What an arse. I hate Kat, but I'm allowed. She offers a lot more than Mikey does, anyhow. I hate it at the moment because I can't even take a side because I hate all the sides.
I hate the way Dale treats Rebecca, but I hate the way Rebecca treats herself too. I just had a quick look at Digital Spy, and it looks like she's going. I don't know why, because she was more popular than Mario, and he was cool.
God, I hate people.

Big Brother 9: 'Can we lick your balls for you?'

Ok, quick catch up. Darnell: what the fuck happened? He went from clear winner to utter dick in a week. When Dale said 'power corrupts' I nearly fell off the bed: it was his most insightful statement in two months. However, Belinda's interview where she said Dale was 'insightful' was beyond belief: he's about as insightful as a blow-up doll.
Rex was also on the cunt-pills in the last few days: I hated him when he said to Rachel, 'you'll always be average'. Maybe she's quite HAPPY being average, Rex, did you ever think that? Not everyone can be a megalomaniac with an ice-cream cone hairdo like you. Very disappointing. Darnell also had a go at Rachel just because it's easy: so I was pleased when Dale stood up for her. However, I can't stomach a Dale win, so please go back to your tongue-lolling retarded-self shortly, please. Becks doing the monkey task: what an absolute quitter she is. She's hopeless. I thought that whole Mo and Kat packing their bags thing was utterly cruel and I felt for them both. Nasty, naughty BB.
So onto tonight. I'm so sick of this Heaven and Hell BULLSHIT. This isn't BB USA (which I have been watching, but I haven't got into it so much yet.)
Why the fuck did Dale pick Maysoon to be in Heaven AGAIN? She's shit! It's not very fair on Sarah or Lisa (Mikey can go fuck himself, frankly). It's not like Rex is exactly grateful to be in Heaven again.
Why did Mo start on Mikey? I'm confused. There is a serious case of cabin fever/ bad attitude in the house today. Mo and Darnell could easily get booted at any given moment. Why is there NO ONE I like in the house at the moment? My favourites at the moment are people like bloody LISA, for God's sake.
Dale brought up the old favourite: 'talking with his dick out' phrase again. Lovely! Bless him, he didn't know what 'antithesis' means.
Lisa made me laugh saying WWJD? Rex when right back into my good books when he said 'Rebecca and Jesus should not be in the same sentence.'
Rebecca didn't do much for feminism when she went and did topless star jumps in the garden at Dale's request. I don't know who described her as a 'horror show' but it wasn't very nice. I bet her parents enjoyed watching that about as little as Luke did.

Big Brother 9: Le Grand Frere

Oh my God, we always used to call Big Brother Le Grand Frere! I love it when the show finally catches up with the lexicon (admittedly five years later).
I liked Luke all sick for some reason, he seemed quite cute. Don't tell anyone.
Mohamed's French/ German accent was hilarious. I think his and Rex's impressions were highly offensive, and thus, brilliant. Rex's joke about Mohamed's name was class. He sounded like Borat trying to speak French.
Becks! Is she mentally ill? She's certainly chronically unhealthy. Even I, sick as I am, could do cycling for twenty minutes without having an eppy.
Sarah has done NOTHING except flirt indiscriminately, which isn't offensive in itself, but it rather dull for the female viewer. Maysoon truly is deadwood.
Mikey's accent because even more horrible and ear-shredding when shouting. Do you know ANYONE who's a Mikey fan? He really is a prize cunt.
Belinda crying after 2 seconds cycling: 'My bum's red raw... it feels so weird... it's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life!' What, exercise? Anyone would think you'd just been done up the arse by a dinosaur.
Mimes! Is there anything more dull? How apt that Rachel was doing it. She makes Mohamed look like he has the conversational skills of Oscar Wilde.
In other news, Rex has 'found himself'. Next step, burn that hoodie.

Big Brother 9: Get Off The Fence

How interesting that the housemates complain about how awful it is to nominate, yet are willing to peel potatoes to be able to do it. Actually these housemates don't mither about nominating that much. And who could blame them. You'd want to nominate in bulk, wouldn't you?
Loved Lisa's story of seeing 'a green man'. A small, green man who was frightened of her and removed her tent for analysis. Barmy. She didn't react to them taking the piss at all. She's the alien in many ways. Did Belinda call Roswell Rock World, or did I have a complete brain spazz?
Darnell was right to nominate Rex in a way, he is being a dick. He just wants to go now. Walk then, Rex, you're not doing anyone a favour by staying, especially not your stupid orange girlfriend. Him bragging about money was crass. Zzzzz. PS. You look like a twat in that hat. And you ARE being mean.
Maysoon came off a bit prissy with her nominating. Becks is vulgar? No shit. At least she has a personality though. Same for Mohamed calling her vile. She is vile, but at least she provides some entertainment. I doubt if Mohamed's airtime even entertains his own family. Even him getting his leg stuck in the fence was dull as fuck.
So did they not let Luke nominate cos he was ill? Aw. I did miss Luke a bit tonight, and I thought I hated him.
Lisa. I don't know what the age is for not being allowed to have side ponytails (I'm still OK to have one, for example) but you're past it.
God, Rachel does sound boring, chick peas, grapes and her boyfriend, no wonder they never show her. It begs the question, why the fuck did the producers put her in? Retards.
Stuart! Scunt. Belinda does sound awful, interrogating people. And snoring. Get rid.
I thought it was bags of coke on the diary room chair but actually it was chips, which is considerably better. Rebecca looked like she might sob.
All the water fights and stuff is alright, but only if it ends in tears or someone being thrown out.
Tip for Rex: when someone goes 'you've got a wonderful life, why did you come in here?' try going 'my life isn't that great' rather than 'I've achieved all my goals so I wanted a break my life.' This level of arrogance is getting to slappable levels.
Oh and if you haven't read this, which I hadn't, due to internet laxness, you'd better, even though it's old. It's brill. He is so right about Mikey it hurts. Charlie, I love you.

Big Brother 9: Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now

How does Dale know what 'election music' is? I doubt if Dale could spell 'election.' *insert erection joke here*
God I hate Mikey. The only reason you're awake in the day, Mikey, is because you go to bed at about 10pm at night. NOT FUN FOR THE LATE NIGHT VIEWER. You boring bastard. The sound of your voice is about as lovely as eating glass.
His whole hair in the ears theory was utter shite. I loved Rex riling him.
Darnell's surname is Swallow! That's quite funny. I also know from my Heat consumption that Stuart's surname is Pilkington. Sexy! Mohamed's surname is Mohamed! Tee hee.
Heaven and Hell task: I was a bit disappointed when Rex read 'imminently' as 'intermittently'. It's weird how you can go off someone, isn't it?
Darnell chose all the nice people (except Dale, who's a pillock). I wonder why he didn't chose Sarah? I normally don't like it when BB engineers storylines, but it was well needed at this point.
So, what did they get in said 'Heaven'? Filtered water! Whoop-de-doo!
Hell seemed like a bit of a trip hazard for old Mikey, bless him. It must be quite disconcerting to have his house cut on half. What would Mario say? (get over it!) Naughty BB.
It was funny when Rex got twitchy about Becks cooking. How quickly Heaven loses it's shine!
Darnell said HOH which made me pine for BBUSA. Come back broadband, I wanna watch it! I liked it when he said 'Yes Sir.' too. Sooo American. Darnell to win!
I was amused by Rebecca said she wished she'd gone to Magaluf with the girls instead of into BB. She's pretty much acted like she was in Magaluf anyway. Hmm, Rebecca, why can't you stand Mohamed? (racist!) I love calling people racist.
Mikey declared the angels 'looked like a bunch of twats'. Cue Daily Star headline that he can see again- no, he's just a sour cunt. Surely he'll never win it.
Rex looked quite creepy as an angel. I saw Rex in the NOTW getting a lap-dance! I went off him a bit then too.
Becks handled the whole task with the calm and reserve I expected from her (i.e. none). She's unbearable! I hope she gets chucked out, she's really a revolting person. Note: it's also probably not best to say the words 'I've resorted to sucking plasticine penis' on TV. That could come back to haunt you.

Big Brother 9: Power Vacuum

My dial up died for three days! Nice. I can't believe Mario went. He shouldn't have been booed like that either. Thick British public! This is the makes-Dale-look-smart mindset that will vote Kat to win because of that tiresome cookie power bollocks. I thought Rebecca and Luke's snog was the closest we've got to REAL romance this year, so I was disappointed when she was all negative about it tonight in the diary room. Mind you, Luke was being a div saying they are a 'power couple'. It's funny that everyone thinks Becks is popular now on the outside. Being liked an iota more than another housemate does not a winner make. She's about as popular as mad cow disease.
I quite enjoyed the election task. Votes for head of house: what was Dale's policy going to be, scunts for everyone? Mouths must loll open at all times? Luke is quite a rubbish politician. He walks the walk, but he doesn't really talk it. Question him on any given point and he folds.
And yeah, that was about it. Pretty boring. We need less generic housemates (Stale, Maysood, Lisa, Mohamed, Rachel) and more characters (Luke, Darnell, Rex).
PS. Zezi wasn't on BBLB today. Did they finally bin her? Here's hoping.

Big Brother 9: Health and Safety

I hate Belinda. Although, Mario is becoming a monster again. Why was he being so narky to her? He destroyed the magic by making her explain her fake eccentricities.
Mario ALMOST said 'trip hazard' tonight: my heart pounded when he told the story of the elastic band.
Mikey: your chances with Sara are.. zero. Why is she even encouraging him?
I'm glad Rebecca has been knocked off her perch. I enjoyed Rex singing 'Goodnight sweetheart' to her.
Mario sniping at Lisa (the Housemaid!) What the fuck? Why is he calling her out for cleaning up? How is it 'sickening'? What a dick. I wouldn't ever make him a cuppa again. He's seriously paranoid. She hasn't changed one iota since she entered that house. I knew there must be cracks somewhere! And here they are, exposed. Lisa was very astute that Mario picked on her because he was annoyed that he was unpopular. Mario descended into a spiral of black, bitter depression!
How interesting that Mikey pulled up Belinda for patronising him for being blind. He's never, ever done it to Mario. Why? Does he genuinely like Mario, I wonder? I've never considered it.
Belinda was desperate for some love tonight, wasn't she, and getting none!
Chick-pea and Cookie! What cunning nicknames. I wonder who they could be?
BB: technically not much more ineresting that the live feed tonight. Must try harder.

Big Brother 9: 'Be the man that you look'

Oooh Mario and Lisa had an argument! But it was a bit of a lame one. Still, we have to take what we can get in this post-bitches entertainment dearth. Lisa's mask of non-annoyance was freaky.
Luke is intimidated by the way Darnell speaks? I've never heard Darnell say anything dubious. Darnell stands up for what's right. Luke on the other hand, despite not swearing because he's so morally upstanding, is a devious little cuntrag.
Mario looks like the sort of man who was born to wear a comedy apron. And he nominated my two favourite housemates.
So now all the old housemates have turned on the newbies. Wow, I didn't see THAT coming. Belinda's snoring was beyond the pale though, totally gross. I'd poke her with a stick. her singing/acting is just horrific too.She reminds me (to a much lesser extent) of that awful Jayne person they put in there once, who just hogged the camera all the time. Don't just be a cartoon, be a human.
Dale! Head in the make-up box again! That makes a change doesn't it? (GAY!)
Kat saying she's bisexual... zzz. Kat and Sarah are about as likely to get together as Luke and Darnell.
I was a bit worried Darnell would be up this week, but it looks like it's Rebecca's time to chip. See ya.
Confession: my hearts not in this at the moment. But I think it's BB's fault, not mine. If I'm not back on form within the week, slap me.