Big Brother 13: The Final ('I love you, man...' 'I love you, too')

Here's a crash course in how to alienate your audience. Cast a house full of people with IQs less than 50, but with the personalities that are the sensory equivalent of chomping on brillo pads. Evict the 25% of the housemates who did have a brain/ or were at least entertaining in the first four weeks. Let a man who has not said one intelligible word for four weeks suddenly speak out from under his toupee to make threats of sexual violence against an inoffensive but quite dull housemate. Don't throw him out. Give him £50K, upsetting 75% of your audience, and ruining 50% of the suspense of the final. Make the inoffensive and dull housemate a potential winner, because of this injustice, then give her a bad edit until she mentions 'servants' - just to remind us she doesn't deserve the £50K, although the man who threatened to rape her and punch her on her arse did. You still watching? Me too, unbelievably. I think Big Brother itself has become like an abusive boyfriend. And David Cameron has shut Refuge.
The fact that the crowd is going 'whoop whoop' like a mentally deficient CD-UK audience says it all, really. Aw, I'm glad Benedict turned up. Conor comes out chewing gum - gross. He's got all the manners and decorum of an angry tramp.
Luke S out first, please! PRAWN. To Madonna's or Sugababes 'push the button.', please. They don't seem to tailor the songs to the evicted housemates anymore, or I can't tell if they do. Everything just sounds like it's got the washing machine on it.
I really hope the soldiers are the last three standing. It will be an important moral victory.
You can see it's stinging Luke S to be stuck in there with those four, especially as he didn't even get the votes for it. He could be lying on a bed of £50 notes with Ashleigh right now (ugh).
'Get Deana out!' go the 'whoop whoop' crowd. Is it Conor's family? Can chimps form sentences.
I vote to evict the red cloud in the split screen. BOO YA. Luke A's out. Shoulda pushed that button. LOL at Conor waving to him, I bet that's just what he wanted to see the second he was evicted to the boo chorus. LOL they are playing 'Push the Button'! Nice one. Although I'll still never quite understand why they've been so keen to make a fool out of Luke S all series, whilst they've let Conor get away with murder.
Conor and Ashleigh both chewing gum like thick cows munching on grass. Luke S should team up with Benedict and sack those MOFOs off. LOL to the person shouting 'greedy'. Luke A got interviewed for about three seconds. What a shame. We'll always remember you for coming fifth. And being a douche. Goodbye.
YES. Sara's out next. They did it. They did it! I actually feel quite emotional. Was cute seeing them all smiling, wish I could hear what they were saying. That was the right result. Sara deserves nothing!
Whatever you think to the 'soldiers', they DID battle for that win. They battled hard. So they do deserve it.
I like Sara's high heels. Er... that's about it. 'Underneath it all, Caroline's got a good heart.' No.
Sara was not a floater, Brian, she was well and truly an insider. Hopefully she'll watch that Queen madness and quit drinking.
Shit, Deana is third. Wasn't expecting that. Mind you, I didn't vote for her cos I want Adam to win, so I'm partly responsible. I'm gonna throw Adam another vote. I think Luke A and Adam will both chuck each other a few quid. It's good seeing their reactions. Adam, you could have dressed up, FFS. Incidentally, I think Brian looks the best he's done all season.
Deana looks beautiful. Classy and cool in glitter and pink. Do you think they're going to show Conor's hate rant? LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. As if.
Those prayers paid off, didn't they! How is 'soldiers' a gameplan? It's just a name for a team/ alliance.
At least Conor wasn't smiling when they mentioned 'the nasty things he said'. That's the first time I've seen him without a grin on his face. Nasty things - FFS. There's an understatement.
I liked it when Deana went on the rampage. 'Answering back' - heaven forbid, know your place, Deana. 'Evil eyes' - forgot about that, lol.
Good did overcome evil. But it is a shame she came third; I'd hate to see Luke A win it now, nice as he is. Bar the BMI comment, he's just not done enough.
Luke A and Adam are too cute. Can't Luke drop the 'A' now?
SHIT. Luke A won. I'm shocked. I'm really shocked. I really wanted it to be Adam. It was lovely and emotional, though. 'I love you man...' I love you too.' Nicest top two friendship ever.
Adam: 'I've been broke before, it don't matter.' Bless him. I'd love to have seen him take it. 'Indecent human beings': correct.
Adam: 'give the second runner up a chance!' to Lauren. Cute. Super cool.
I will give Luke A this much: when Becky confronted him and expected him to back down, and he called her out and relished reeling out a list of reasons why she was an idiot. I will give him that. But one night of common sense in two months does not a worthy winner make. Still. It could have been a lot worse, I suppose. And at least he can get his Reebok penis now (his words, not mine!) I've seen those pump up penises, they're quite good (not in person, I might add!) Also, it felt like he needed that validation a lot more than Deana and Adam did. So let's take those factors into account alongside the fact he's a bit of a dullard.
Seeing fireworks just reminds me of Beavis and Butthead watching the Katy Perry Firework video and Butthead going 'you're not a firework.' and Beavis going, 'I am! I am firework.' Butthead: 'No, you're more like the plastic bag in the first part of the song. Uh-huh-huh-huh.'
Luke A is happy that Conor took half the cash? You sure about that? I hope Luke chucks Adam a few quid, I really do. So Luke S was right: 'boys DO want to be him!'
Luke A was competitive so winning BB is huge for him. I do appreciate that.
I wish CBB started on Friday! I need a break, I really do. So what's the moral of this story? Nothing. The winner is as random as Denise Welch and Paddy Docherty so there's no accounting for taste, and this is much nicer. The soldiers made it to the final three. I just hope Deana sues Conor or something. Or at least slaps him.
My boyfriend just bet me 2 Euros (don't ask) they'll show the full Conor rant on BOTS. See you on Twitter to claim my 2 Euros in a few mins. There's more chance of Conor handing over the cash to Deana in compensation.
BB: so much to answer for. And still we watch. Love, your battered wife. See you Weds.

Celebrity Big Brother 2009: The Final: Return to Svender

I've been waiting to use that title for weeks, and now it makes no fucking sense! Thanks Ulrika. Thanks a lot.
I have to admit I started running out of steam with BB from about Wednesday. Watching people who don't want to be somewhere is depressing. It's like being at work again.
The final dinner felt a bit empty; Terry calling Ulrika stuck up, Ben being conceited, Verne moaning about women, Coolio and Terry scratching each other's backs.
So the Ben-doll was first out. Who voted for Ulrika over Ben? Ben is dull as fuck but at least he's blandly pretty. Maybe Ulrika got the women's vote?
NOW LISTEN. OK Davina. I'm listening, but nothing of interest is being said. Ben's interview was notable only for him staring misty-eyed at himself during his best bits.
VERNE in 4th?!! WTF! That was a genuine shocker. Davina did some GOOD patronising. Verne did NOT deserve to be 4th! Beaten by Ulrika, who did nothing but grumble the entire time. Verne shoulda been second, cuz. Denied!
I'd not seen Verne grin before; he looked very happy in the limelight. I liked him appreciating the crowd! Verne was pretty cool. His best bits were definitely top quality.
SO LISTEN! ARGHHHH.
Shocked Coolio was third too. How did Ulrika beat HIM? Were the public taking revenge for the anti-Brit chat? I have to say I'm not that upset that the 'bitches/hos' contigent got the elbow, but Coolio was good value. He put his heart and soul into it.
Terry! Terry! Terry!
Interesting that adversaries Terry and Ulrika were left. Best of British? She's Swedish, you munt!
Coolio was OK in his interview, I liked his sun and moon crap and he looked quite snazzy. There seemed to be a fair bit of booing.
And so. Ulrika-ka-ka won. Er... HOW? I think they got the results mangled up in the wash. RECOUNT!
Terry was charming and cute. He put in the time and amused, entertained and educated every night whilst Ulrika snoozed. I liked the fact he didn't apologise for calling the voters thick. I want to be his friend! Davina, 'There was one small error that could have cost you the whole thing.' Yeah, Ulrika winning, even though barely anyone likes her!
Ulrika must have come out of that house thinking we'd finally taken her into our hearts. Actually, most people were just genuinely baffled. I supported Ulrika from Day 1, and I always liked her on Shooting Stars, but I was disappointed with her in the house. She was depressing. If anything she avoided getting involved and that should not have been rewarded.
Davina is right; Ulrika was unwilling. WHY did she win? Nobody knows! Her eyeliner was good, but her dreary harping about her kids and husband was just snoozies. AND she was high-handed. Was it a feminist backlash? It can't be! I'm a feminist, but even I have my limits.
Weirdness. I've never seen such an odd result. What does it mean for the future of BB? Will Terry get a TV show? What will Ulrika do next?
I think my boyfriend summed it up with 'those fireworks are misplaced'.
I don't know, but I'm going to blog about some more high-brow shit in future. Things are changing around here!

Big Brother 9: Final Thoughts

Through sheer determination, I managed to avoid the BB result for the whole time I was away. Or maybe because it was Rachel no one cared. Or maybe BB has had it’s day. But either way, I studiously avoided newspapers (not easy coming back on the tube littered with London Lites) fully expecting a Rex or Mikey win.
By the way, I hate the last episode where they are all nice and charming and funny and you start thinking ‘oh, maybe they are not so bad after all.’ I want to hate until the end!
So, onto the final, which no one cares about anymore. It was probably the most anti-climatic final ever, especially with Darnell and Rex coming out first. Sure, it was a triumph of good over evil, but it was also a triumph of dullness. My predictions were as follows, Rachel, Darnell, Sara, Mikey, Rex. So I was pretty off. I just can’t BELIEVE so many people voted for Rachel to win? It doesn’t make sense that people would pick up the phone for her. But then the choices WERE crap. It was quite telling the winner got booed.
Darnell’s exit was quirky at least, I liked the pony and the fact he was wearing a bath-towel and a skirt. But what’s with wearing the same tops they went in in (Mikey/ Darnell)? Lazy! I was quite disappointed with the interview (so what’s new?) and Darnell’s Oprah-Winfrey style ‘thank you for accepting me’ rubbish. He didn’t seem to miffed to go out in 5th though. At least he beat Kat, hey?
Rex! Not as popular as I thought (or he did). Those misguided trousers were beyond parody, they were proper David-Bowie-in-Labyrinth style. And the Chris Martin coat! What a cock. His posing as he came out to a wall of boos was just embarrassing. Strike a pose Rex, you arrogant gimp. Now piss off. He was utterly unrepentant and Davina didn’t even start on him, she just showed him clips of his tyranny like it was a big joke. I’m annoyed he didn’t get his comeuppance. Also, Rex, are you bumming your own dad? Eww.
Sara; third. She looked stunning, she sounded annoying. I was disgusted that Davina seemed to think flirting deserved more of a grilling than rampant misogany and continued bullying. Davina, you are ‘sending out the wrong signals’ in your revolting choices of dress. Who are you to decide what signals are right or wrong? Sexist cunt.
Rachels’ face was a picture when she won, but her ‘best bits’ were about two seconds long. Mikey was more fun as an interviewee, and I enjoyed him bringing up she-who-must-not-be-named Alex (or Alec, as he seemed to think she was called). The vote was SO close. I think it says a lot about how we as viewers were this year; fundamentally split or indifferent. Wanting anyone to win who the housemates didn't suspect.
I was pleased that Rachel didn’t back down as Davina even had a go at her, and good for her for saying ‘I know who I am.’ I don’t think a lot of people in their 20s could say the same.
I liked seeing the old housemates (what, no Dennis or Alex? Shame!) especially Luke and Bex; Luke rubbing his fingers together in the international gesture for ‘grasping money grabber’ at Rachel was brilliant! No backing down from him!
I liked the round-up of the series at the end, even in a bad year like this it makes you realise why you still watch. It’s like a little bit of your life somehow. It becomes part of your memory whether you like it or not.
Will Davina be back next year? Will there be a Celeb BB? Will BBLB get canned? Who knows. But at least I can get back to writing about the latest dwarf documentary or indie CD no one likes. And I can catch up on BBUSA which I’m criminally behind on.
Will I miss our BB? This year… I actually won’t. Would I miss it if it never came back? Loads.