Big Brother 2015: I'm that close to nailing someone

I couldn't resist blogging tonight after seeing the 'twist' ie. the blatant fix to save Jade. What's that, everyone who WASN'T nominated is NOW nominated? Makes perfect sense, right? If you're a crazy person. But do you know what, the producers, AKA Ted, is right because the idiot general public (t.m.) don't know their arse from the elbow and would have evicted Queen Jade, because they don't understand entertainment when it smacks them in the face (see Adjoa for more details).
Don't get me wrong, I don't like Jade. But I like her a damn sight more than the Busto twins, possibly the vilest twins in Big Brother history, beating off stiff competition from Jack and Joe, the Sugar Sisters and those twin twist fuckers from BBUS. And don't even start dissing Jedward, I love Jedward (and Samanda, naturally).
I may not LIKE Jade, but Jade is entertaining me from the tips of her toes to the stream of crap that comes out of her mouth. I like the way she sits in the Diary Room chair. I like the way she tried to get off with Christian when Nick deserted her without so much as a sideways glance. I liked the way she said her evictions were 'a walk in the park' when Eileen tried to side swipe her. And as for people going 'poor innocent Nick', you need to get a fucking GRIP! If you believe him when he goes 'I'm young, I'm impressionable, blah blah' when he goes in there with a VT saying he's a pure arsehole, you must be thicker than Danny. He is a FULL TIME gamer. He is playing the house a good 'un, and he's playing the audience a good 'un, and he's playing THE GAME a good un. Don't misunderstand me, I respect him for it! But lets not pretend he's an innocent little boy. He knew what he was getting into with Jade, and he enjoyed those cuddles, and he knew the price that came with them. Well, you gotta pay the bill, Nick! And it won't be YOU getting booed and heckled and burnt at the stake when you leave. It will be Jade. So excuse me if I save my tears for...er, no one, actually.
I also hate Eileen now, and Joel is a dodgy one, although intriguing. And don't quote me on this, but I've warmed to Cristian this week. He's kept his head down and his mouth shut, unlike Danny, who's so stupid, he makes Harriet look like Stephen Hawking.
Anyway, on with the show. And learn your lesson; if you can't be trusted to vote the right way, you won't be allowed to vote. Not fair? Big Brother has never been fair. Did you not see Conor walk out that door with that 50K, for fuck's sake? And you're moaning about this! Get your priorities right. This is fun and games compared to that shit. That's the timebomb for you. That's showbiz, baby.
Ooh a futuristic task! I love the future. Big Bot? That's not very cool. Big Botty!
Fuck me, it's 2050 and they're still wheeling out the electric shock suits. Is this what the future looks like? Bring on Robocop. And Iris sounds like she's running out of batteries.
I don't mind this task. It's like shitstir, with a twist. 'The majority', it's like a BBUS task. I don't think Aaron goes on dates as such. But nice of them to all call him a slut. And they said Joel would take the prize money, ha.
How is Nick going to be the least successful when he's got a swimming pool? He's already won life.
Why is Nick so anti Aaron in this task? Boo.
Harriet failed the task by running her yap. Jack: 'I've just worn this and looked like a fucking twat for nothing.' Yeah, cos you normally look so damn hot.
Jack: 'I hope they have butter in the future.' Don't worry about it, because you'll be dead by then.
I love Aaron! Why all the hate for him? I think he has a very sweet side. He looks like a little boy in the Diary Room chair.
Harriet: 'Everyone talks behind everyone's back' she says, talking behind Aaron's back.
That is bollocks that Aaron 'relayed' that conversation to Eileen. He was just trying to be nice to her.
Nick spitting out the 'journey' card like a young Dexter Koh. Jade has brought out her supersonic bitch and there's no going back.
Joel: 'Does it cost a lot for a prostitute?' Keiran: '£60 an hour plus extras.' He seems to know a lot about it. Why does that not surprise me? £60 sounds pretty cheap, he's obviously going to a high quality place. But are we talking future prices or current? Joel: 'Could you get her to clean your house afterwards?' Don't you mean 'him'? Joel is full of big questions. It's almost like he's trying to work out who his is: because he is.
So in the future food will be blue? Why exactly? Honestly, the eating tasks are so BORING! I can't bear it. Shitstir task, eating task, shitstir task, eating task. Do they ever spend a fucking penny on these tasks?
Eileen is failing her lollipop task badly. Also, watching her lick/suck things is grotesque. Some of these people are getting a much rawer deal than others, Aaron's task was much worse. Hasn't he suffered enough, growing up in Northampton? Also, Nick is getting on my nerves, giving Aaron side-eye. Leave my Aaron alone.
I don't know why they always show Chloe in the DR. She's so fucking boring.
Jade is now talking to herself; Nick will be well jel, that's his power move, and she's stealing it.
Jade boowooing in the 'sky room'; Jade: 'I'm that close to nailing someone.' Don't make promises you can't keep. We knew you were never gonna nail anyone in the house. Keiran's fucking counselling service needs to go out of business, fast.
Sarah and Danny: worst 'showmance' in history?
Jade is now wailing in the DR. Geni-whine-ly, indeed! I wish Jade would blow up on Joel because he's a little weasel.
Nick: 'Jade's my best friend.' Joel: 'I hate Jade.' Don't worry, Nick hated her yesterday, too. I hate Joel's Hitler hair, his dressing gown, his rude questions, his value judgements about sex and women and sexuality.
Ha, Aaron picks up where I left off: 'Why do you know all the words to Miss Congeniality?' to Joel. Enough said. 'There's nothing wrong with it, just embrace it.' Joel didn't protest too much, did he? If he was actually straight, he probably would.
So here's the twist. The non-nominated housemates face eviction. Why? No one knows. Oh, to save Jade. But now they want to save Jack. Jack should save his immunities until there's less people there! He knows he's popular (for now).
So, who's up? Twins, Chloe, Danny, Harriet, Keiran and Sarah. Hold on, did Marcus just say FOUR housemates would face eviction? What the fuck?! I certainly fancy losing four of these rather than four of the original nominees, but seriously, four? Was that a mistake?
If not, then JackJoe was right to save his immunities! Four! OK, my four to evict would be twins, Danny, Harriet and Chloe. Keep Keiran and Sarah. But who cares what I think? Whatever way you look at it, there's no way the Skylar twins can survive a four-way eviction. They're GONERS. Along with the integrity of the game, lol.

Big Brother 2015: Pussy off

Evening all! It's been a long week on Borehamwood Towers and I haven't had the energy to blog. Yet here I am, on a Friday night. I'm so cool.
Emma Willis looks cute. Has she got a new stylist? I liked Noel Gallagher on stylists: 'for people who've forgotten how to dress themselves.' It's a fair comment.
Not sure yellow is Sarah's colour, and Adjoa's hair seems to be channelling Diana Ross (racist). At least we can trust Eileen to look normal, lol.
Is Aaron sexually harrassing Joel? I think he is. But I think Joel likes it. If not, Joel needs to make it clear he doesn't. Otherwise, I'm calling him 'open'. A virgin? Sounds like a closet case to me. I don't get all these virgins. What do they spend their teen years doing?! I like Aaron, he's a great housemate. Top notch entertainment. Northampton FTW! Shame he's going to get evicted in about 10 seconds flat the first chance he goes up.
Sarah has had a flannel wash. I wonder where she put the flannel after? I haven't used a flannel in years. They're like tea towels for the face. Unhygienic. I don't want Sarah to go! But I don't want the others to go either! I hate you JackJoe, you annoying twerp.
Nick: 'Do you hate fakeness?' to Jade about Eileen. Personally, I love it.
Not another shitstir task, oh I mean, a debate. Jade has been sent from Hell to get on my last nerve. Nick: 'I hate public speaking.' What's going on Big Brother if not public speaking?
Jade: 'There's only room for one spiritual person in this house.' Doesn't sound too spiritual to me! Spiritual one upping. Mind you, that sounds like most religions actually.
LOL to Danny vs Harriet. Thick on thick crime. 'Fuck off', 'No you fuck off' ha. Mature! I hope one of them punches the other one. Actually, similtaneously so we can ditch both of them. Do a Jeremy, please.
Harriet playing the 'I'm a lady!' card. I was midway through writing a tweet saying she was going to say it before she said it. Pathetic. You're not a woman. You're not even a human. This was swiftly cancelled out by Danny saying she should 'show him respect' as a man. These two make pond life look sophisticated. Amoebas have more chutzpah.
Well, the producers got what they wanted, all out war. I'm enjoying Adjoa's sheer shirt/pink bra combo. Adjoa to Keiran: 'If you've been to Tenerife, you've been to Elevenerife.' Classic. I hope that line is enough to save her!
One of the Busto twins looks like her head is about to pop off. Not sure what about. I'm sure she's got a good reason, lol. Her boyfriend is going to be jealous of Joel or something? God knows. They're probably missing Twinnie Towers. Don't worry Twin Boyfriend, Joel is gay as a window.
Joel calling Aaron fake! How dare he when the botox bitches are in that house! Did Aaron call one of the twins a two faced bitch? If so, crown him the winner immediately.
Joel is being a right dick to Aaron. He's pulling his pigtails essentially.
Why is Danny dressed like a snooker player? He's forgotten to sew on his BetFred patch.
Jade vs Eileen, ding ding. Ahhh... who cares?
Friends and family can fuck off. The racist public booing Adjoa's friend. Sick. Christ, look at Eileen's friend. How come she doesn't get booed? I am getting really pissed off now. What has Adjoa done? Oh I know... she's BLACK! And she's gay as well! Makes you proud to be British, doesn't it? UKIP generation. Jim-to-win fans. Suck it up.
Danny 'don't like being belittled.' I love it myself.
I don't care about this row between Jade and Eileen. Dull as fuck. Although I did like Eileen saying 'I'm not even bloody spiritual!' Ha. She should have told Jade that. Nah, actually let her sweat.
I love Keiran always trying to be peacemaker. 'You can bring a donkey to a well but you can't make it drink.' Genius. He could be my dark horse (not in a racist way!)
Spin the bottle. Standard. Aaron: 'How big is your cock?' to Danny. 'It's average.' This means he's got a maggot, right?
Does this Amy fancy Joel? They are playing chase. Is she in a love triangle with him and Aaron? She looks like their mum.
Who's face is redder, Jack normally or Twin A or B when she's shouting about god knows what? There's only one way to find out etc. FIGHT!
Jack's arse crack. Dear God. That's the podcast image sorted then. GIF websites across the UK just crashed under the weight of Jack's enormo buttocks.
Adjoa is so beautiful! Nick holding hands with Eileen lol. I literally can't believe Adjoa is out. Pathetic. I am disgusted with the alleged great British public. Pure fuckeries. Seriously. Have a word with yourselves.
Adjoa: 'I know exactly who I am.' I love that in a person. You weren't first out, you've forgotten Showbiz. Are they seriously shouting 'off' at Adjoa? Well one racist man is? I hope he dies on the way home. Glastoeve on Twitter summed it up the best 'Channel 5, sort out your disgusting baying mob.'
The men evicted Adjoa cos they couldn't fuck her. And the crowd are shouting at her cos they can't fuck her.
Glad Adjoa gave it back to them a bit. She was ROBBED. Criminal she's gone. She was great in her interview.
And then Jade picked Nick and Aaron for something or other. Oh, Maccys and KFC. Frankly, I don't give a shit. Jade is sucking the crap out of Nick's game. And I think Aaron said the food was cold, lol. Nothing worse than cold fries!
And yes, I'm saving the obvious Adjoa pun for the podcast... coming tomorrow as Mr Bile is working tonight! See you then.

Big Brother 2015: Carget on your Jack

Emma is looking fiiiine tonight. Still, no excuse for the way she treated Hazel, lol.
So it seems to me whoever we vote to win is gonna have to kick someone out tonight. That could be a double edged sword. It's a short journey from top of the tree to out the door on your ear; that's showbiz etc.
Eileen: 'Morning great British public.' I think you meant idiot general public. Strawberry jam-alogy.
Why is Aaron crying, cos Chloe doesn't like him? Who cares. I don't even know who Chloe is. I like Aaron's PJ bottoms, they're like technicolour bricks.
Aaron is blowing Chloe's mind with his frilly socks and 'trainers with tails' on. You don't get that in Doncaster. Well in Northampton that's considered conservative.
LOL Joel has to go on the exercise bike ala Calum. Is that five hundred bananas in the basket? This task is cheap as fuck.
Christian taking his top off to go on that bike is groo. He makes me SICK.
'Got a really good rack on her, innit.' Great chat up line, Keiran.
Jade: 'Danny's soul is so gentle.' Er, OK. Get your buttcheeks off the diary room chair, Gary Busey wouldn't get away with that. Where's James Jordan when you need him?
Ted is shooting paintballs at Aaron. Another cheap as fuck task, they probably had that dry wipe board out the back. Numberwang!
Gary Busey pretending to be afraid of balloons was better. Who's really scared of balloons? I believe those people who jerk off with balloons more.
Troll talk; one of the twins has got a baggy fanny and a lopsided face. And that's the attractive one. Wait til you come out! There'll be so many trolls under your bridge you and your sister will be trip-trapping all the way to The Priory, faster than Billy Goats Gruff.
Nick admitting to being a troll, lol. We want to know who he trolled! He's kicking his gameplan up a notch. He shouldn't say that though as it gives people a reason to vote for you.
Does Danny wear fake tan? No, he's naturally orange. Bitch, please.
Technotronics with fish guts? Why has she got goggles on? Health and safety? What is it in the bucket? I don't know what's going on. Where's Maaaaark when you need him?
Danny will hereforth be known as canoe. With an upside down U. That's his nickname sorted at least. We thought 'misogyny' would have been better but the cunt can probably spell that as he's got an A in it.
'Who are ya!' The new 'You fell over!' I fell over at work the other day and both my shoes fell off. Stylish.
Jack and Joe....l are in the bath. LOL to Joel chucking a drink over Aaron. A friend of mine isn't speaking to me for doing that to someone last week. I think in the bath you get a pass, though. You're wet anyway. WARNING! Call Offcom etc.
They had to draw the line at chucking around the maxi muscle though. Cristian stepped in to save it, like a poor man's Luke Scrace.
I like that Joel, he's kind of cheeky. 20 minutes in bed is fine! He's gonna get slung out on his ear within the week.
Adjoa's finger fucking chat is amazing. She's pretty to the point. Chloe: 'Where do you find 'em?' 'All over.'
Do people really say pussy? LOL. I don't, it's gross. Adjoa is a self-proclaimed 'black gay.' I love her.
Cristian working out with a pillow on his back was brilliant - a reverse Jay McCrae. This has picked up in the last ten minutes.
Bhahaha Cristian the Maxi Muscle merchant is crying because the girls were picking on him! LOLZ. OMG even Danny's slagging him off. Brilliant. What's wrong with him!? What a big girls' blouse. (Sexist). Him crying in the Diary Room with his sunnies on was pure joy.
So the vote to win is between Jack, Harriet and Danny. I don't even know who Harriet is, so how is that possible? Also, Danny. Er...
Harriet, shut your yap and listen FFS. I love the way my boyfriend walks out the room as Big Brother is going 3...2...1 and I have to pause it. Very considerate! Get my permission before you leave the room, please!
Jackjoe is the winner. Who will he evict? The series is over! If only, lol.
I like Aaron's pool ball outfit. That's hundo percent chic.
They're giving JackJoe a carget. Iris has had a demotion to a ten inch TV. Come back Pauline, all is forgiven.
JackJoe is so red in the face. Does he really think he's gonna get a BMW! Poor sod. He's gotta leave now to get it! Take the car and go. That would be too funny. Hold on, he can't even drive. As if they make the prize fund drop to nothing. Nonsense. That twist was whack. Should have made him evict someone on the spot. Oh, hold on.
Nick looks sick at having to nom face to face. He's always shaking, bless him. Feel sorry for him.
Nick nommed Adjoa and Sarah! Boo! Two strong women! Cos Sarah's a golddigger! Should have put Jack up cos he's got immunity and he's too popular! Flush out the immunity! Silly sod. Sarah took it quite well. She'll probably machete his balls off before the week is out.
Bilecast coming! See you then.

Big Brother 2015: I'm not at home

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Big Brother 2015: I like pussy

So, what did our scrap of live feed reveal? Adjoa is one to watch, there's something intriguing about her. Danny and Cristian are the new 'slutbuckets'/Jungle Cats, ie. sexist pricks. I quote: 'What's the fucking point of putting single women in here?' Yeah, what is the point in birds you can't bang, hey? Might as well be dead. Cristian actually reminds me of Kris, aka the Mighty Douche, that cunt who used to work in All Saints and was trying to fuck Princess Manky Teeth, who was in Rex's year. Watching him try and construct a conversation with JackJoePieface was criminal. 'Where'd you know your friends from, school?' Mint bantz right there. I think he's also a bit of a homophobe: 'men don't share beds' - grow up. The other comparison is of course, Ricci from Celebrity Big Brother. And you know fine well how that turned out. Who's casting this show?!
So how much recap are we going to have to eat? I can't believe I missed 'is that your real voice' yesterday. Blog writing fail. They are rattling through the housemates, and they really need to. So. many. people.
Joel: 'a better looking Leonardo Dicaprio'. Not hard to muster that up these days, Leo looks like a fat tramp, and hanging round all those young models doesn't help. Have a fucking shave, for Christ's sake.
What's the point of all these housemates who don't drink, more like. Don't drink, don't fuck, what do they fucking do?
LOL to Showbiz going 'You look like Sinitta' to Adjoa. I wonder how often black people have to hear 'you look like *someone who looks fuck all like you*' a week? Big Brother really is a microcosm of how women have to cope in society, how black people have to cope and how gay people have to cope with pricks like Danny and Cristian and Adjoa is all three, so she really has her work cut out in that house.
Aw to Nick pretending managing a McDonalds is cool. He seems really sweet. My boyf thinks Nick is going to go deep and have a 'journey'. I hope so. He has got Dexter/Ben Duncan vibes and that's no bad thing.
Andrew: 'I just blow shit up.' Hopefully his game! What a knob. Football! Lowest common denominator conversation for men with nothing else to say for themselves. If a taxi driver tries to talk to my boyfriend about football, he won't even engage with it. I have to talk about it! I know fuck all about it, except the usual (racists, sexists, wifebeaters etc).

A friend on Twitter has just pointed out to me that football idiot is not called Andrew. Hopefully I won't have to learn his name. He's so fucking boring there'll be nothing to write about anyway.
Nick is possibly a true gamer with all this humble crap. The boy could go far. As long as he doesn't try and you know, have sex with Cristian because boys don't share beds. And Cristian is so smoking hot he will turn straight men gay, or so he obviously thinks.
My boyf thinks Simon going was a fix but how can it be when they offered them the Deal or no Deal swap, too? I'm really pleased Adjoa was saved, you know. I think she's going to be good value.
LOL to Jade crying at Simon going. I'd be thanking Jesus.
'He was too much of a good housemate to be go.' Who said that?! Ha. Adjoa should be pleased she's not gone, not coveting JackJoe's immunity.
Why IS Aaron wearing a zebra outfit?! He's going in the 'eek' pile.
I like Adjoa asking Jade if she has children, ha. Jade is basically saying she's 'open' to women and then Adjoa goes 'you don't want to feel their pussy and that?' Told you she was one to watch. Classic BB.
Nick is 19! No wonder he hasn't got a job. Its not like he's 28 or something. I was unemployed when I was 19 too, I just didn't have a swimming pool and I watched Jerry Springer instead of cartoons.
Oh dear, politics chat. This is head in hands stuff. Joel admits he's a Tory. Better than UKIP, I suppose, although, you know, basically the same thing.
LOL to Sarah laughing in Cristian's face when he said he was a rapper. Quality.
So Adjoa says she's a lesbian and someone goes 'so you don't like boys at all?' Do you understand what a fucking lesbian is? I love the way she said 'I like pussy.' She's brilliant. It's so offensive when people say 'Have you tried sleeping with guys.' Have YOU, Keiran? Shut the fuck up then. She knows her own mind, just like you do, why should she have to explain herself? Talk about straight privilege.
I just like the way Adjoa is, she's just in her own little world. Criminal to think she had a 50/50 chance of leaving. Everyone's going 'what a great first night twist' but I don't think it was worth it, or it could have not been, let's put it that way.
Oh here we go with Cristian not wanting to share a bed with Nick. 'Guys don't sleep in the same bed.' What about gay guys? Cristian is revolting in more ways than one. Is he 12?
Adjoa is on heat. She even seems turned on by Eileen's tattoo.
LOL they are showing this awks conversation with Cristian and JackJoe. Pieface: the origin story. Cristian *deadpan*: 'I don't have a nickname.' I'm sure we can think of one, writing Cristian repeatedly without the 'h' is driving me bananas anyway. Mind you, I'm not exactly shocked his mum couldn't spell with this mastermind for a son.
Keiran is bugging me, but he's got nothing on Showbiz, so we need to be grateful for small mercies.
This Danny prick is getting on my nerves as well, in his Kylie hood thinking he's a baddass. 'Aaron is sketchy.' Why? Because he's gay? He doesn't like Sarah either because even though she's 'a good looking bird' she's 'bossy' ie. she won't fuck him. I liked her rolling her eyes at him: because he's a knob.
So now Danny can judge Sarah for having a baby as well. I heard him on the live feed saying she shouldn't leave her baby for 10 weeks, the sexist twat. No one would bat an eye if a guy did that.
They are all hating on JackJoe for his immunity. No one would nominate him anyway so who cares? I like JackJoe better than Jack and Joe, but then I like White Dee better that I liked Jack and Joe, so it's not saying much.
Why is Cristian sitting on the bed with Nick? Oh my god, that's so gay! Is he a shirtlifter (t.m. Jim Davidson) or something? His friends are gonna be giving him such a ribbing down the cunt shop when he gets out.
The next person who mentions football - just kill me. I can't bear it.
Adjoa is hot for Sarah. Jade: not so much. She is not connecting energies with Sarah. I'd rather talk about football that 'energy.' Next it'll be crystals, then the meditation and then probably fucking starsigns or something.
Aaron is upset that Simon has gone as he 'could have been a good leader' - what?! Only if you want to be led into musical theatre.
Danny having a go at Aaron again: 'He takes a lot of getting used to.' The homophobia is seeping out of you, along with the sexism. You should see a doctor for that, straight boy. 
The jungle prats are playing 'snog marry avoid' basically. They think they could get with the twins even though they have boyfriends. Did they learn nothing from Ash and Marlon's absolutely not fantastic 'slutbuckets' chat? These two are so stupidly offensive that I'm finding them enjoyable: yet they'll carry on like this and still get cheered when they leave because, well, you know, idiot general public, innit? But any woman who leaves who's good looking or wearing a skirt? Well they're just slags, aint they? Just birds for fucking. Any hole's a goal etc. And so it begins.

Big Brother 2015: Launch night - Tick tick boom

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Big Brother 2011 - The Final: Get the pirate cheese ready!

So here we are. Soon my blog will be discussing more intellectual matters. Gone will be all the shit, piss and swearing and in it's place I'll be chatting shit about The Andrew Marr show, Songs of Praise and Newsnight. Oh, alright then. I'll be moaning about sexism and talking about other shitty TV.

I like seeing the ex housemates. Fucking hell, Heaven looks like crap. Where's Rebeckah? Are you fucking crackers etc. Is Harry really 23? He looks like Tim Henman's dad again tonight. I'm sure someone else is missing. Oh yeah, Mark. And Pammie. Oh and Jem! What a shame. I wonder why Jem couldn't show her face- don't want to see Aaron walk out with that 50K, that's why.

Louise was definitely thinking she was going last night, you don't wear a dress like that for no reason.

Has Alex got Michael Jackson's 'skin disease', her tan is looking seriously patchy.

Imagine if I won and went out to boos, says Aaron. Just imagine!

I feel like BOTS has took the shine off some of these highlight clips. I love the split cam! Why have they never done that before? Louise has got the same dress on again, dirty bitch. She must have been sweating yesterday. That dress is a bit ott.

Louise looks nervous! Why is she walking so slowly down those stairs? Get on with it, get the fuck out of my sight.

Louise alluding to being normal: check. She looks so nervous! I'm glad Brian mentioned when she said they had no chemistry, well sort of mentioned it. Louise: 'I love Anton!': finger on the public pulse as usual, me. Great taste she's got. Change your taste in men!

'Jay's so normal': he's not normal! He's a freak. OMG 'he wiped his arse today and showed me his shit on the bog roll.' Romeo, romeo, where for art thou Romeo! That actually shocked me. I think her brain is malfunctioning.

Here's Louise's personality in two words. Normal. Shit. The end.

Honestly, if Jay wins I'm leaving the universe.

Third place. This will be the clincher. No boos for Jay. How pathetic. OMG it's Alex! That split screen was really good when Alex went. Aaron's face was brill. NOW we have a battle on our hands. This is a fight to the death.

Alex is like Jedward coming out third! I'm not that shocked because who would really ring and vote for Alex? The Jay and Aaron fight is real! They both look quite smug now.

I can't understand what Alex is saying. How did Jay ever get to be 2nd? It's like that douche from the Jungle Cats all over again. Don't let the wolfpack win!

Tonight we got to get on the floor! Alex is getting jibbed on her highlights. Loving her fake tan hands. She's a fashion kamikaze. Still, keep away from Jenny Frost (again). Avoid it! Has Alex

got her £500K shoes on? She's probably got her Primarni ones on instead. Her interview was short!

Love Aaron and Jay holding hands. Too cute. Look at Jay's misguided trousers. Where does he get his clothes from, Mr Byrite? Why did Aaron say 'get the pirate cheese' ready when Jay walked out the door? We rewound it three times and I'll still none the wiser. I couldn't stop laughing! Prepare the Lego room!

Did you hear him whimper as Jay walked out the door. Too funny.

Jay seems on the hoof in this interview. He seemed reticent about saying he loved Louise, too. I don't think he can cope with this pressure. He's just a normal lad, blah blah blah. Does Jay live with his mum?

Oh Jay. You went in a hottie, and came out a nottie. Disco down. Now let's watch Brian eat it. I'd LOVE to know what the percentages were. I bet Aaron stormed it. I bet Jem is at home stirring her witches pot and moaning.

Aaron's having a cuppa in the background. I love seeing the winner in the background through the runner-up interview, it's lovely.

Boooooooooooooooo! Aaron is getting booed to fuck. Brian didn't pick Jay up on any of his bullshit. They are drowning out the boos with 12 zillion fireworks. I like the fact they just gave him the briefcase of cash. They'll probably make him take it on the tube later.

Brian's faux friendliness is galling. Aaron looks quite hot, I think. I wish he'd give it up with all that crikey/crumbs crap.

Aaron deserved to win after putting up with the mountain of crap he had to deal with in that house, even that of his own making.

Brian's digging Aaron out about Faye! He didn't dig Jay out about being an unhygienic animal.

Aaron has been quite quiet in the interview. It was quite a short interview, I felt.

I don't have a feelgood feeling in my stomach after this BB. There was a lot of bad feeling in that final show and Aaron's interview was really short. I usually feel all wrung out and emotional at the end, but I just feel nothing! Nothing.

Boooooooooo! I'm surprised someone don't shoot him at the end. Brian: 'it's just panto'. Many LOLs. Seriously, start watching this show again, folks. I feel like I'm shouting at the wall here.

Big Brother 2011 - I saw her at auditions and thought 'for fuck's sake'

Will there be a shocker tonight, or will it be Louise or Tom as predicted? I'd LOVE it to be Jay, just to see his thick little face drop.

Brian looks fat again! You really can barely tell him and Eamonn Holmes apart these days. It's hard to say which one's insulting rape victims and which one is too busy championing fridge shits. Every since Louise said she bought her teeth, I've been thinking how unnaturally large they look. It's like Brandon Flowers all over again. But I'd never noticed before she mentioned it! Aaron looks like he's got make-up on.

Jay is obsessed with Aaron! 'Why isn't he working for MI.... whatever?' You were nearly there, Jay. So nearly there. A bit like in the final.

Louise is a dirty bugger, even I have a bath every day and I'm a lazy cunt. Louise's mum! Where did Louise get her looks from. (Sorry, a bit mean) Why is Aaron getting booed so bad? It's just more fuel for the Facebook voters!

Alex's thicko act is wearing a bit thin on me tonight. I don't know why because she doesn't normally get on my nerves. My boyfriend thinks perhaps she's believing her own hype from something she's seen on BOTS or something. Louise, what sort of idiot 'sets out to be myself'? That's just called waking up in the morning.

LOL to Aaron correcting Jay's grammar on 'your my hero'. There's a few more votes for him. That won him a round of applause in virginmary manor.

Jesus, it aint that hard to open a bottle of champs. Or bucks fizz, as the case may be. Thought Alex didn't drink? Fuck those people who don't drink. They're either right boring bastards of they've had to stop because they've knocked someone's teeth out. Either way, not a good thing.

Brian: 'really good crowd tonight' - yes, shipped right down from Newcastle!

BOTS was quite good yesterday, especially Aaron's mental friend sarcastically slagging off Aaron. Misjudged! Aaron knew it was BOTS immediately! He's even talking 'VT's! It is morally wrong to show them BOTS, though. But it was a very entertaining episode.

Alex and Tom outed! Accidental smooch! Aaron knows about those, doesn't he? I liked it when Tom said it was on purpose.

Alex's roots are a NIGHTMARE! The dreaded stripe. I can even see a dark bit they've missed underneath. I'd cry if they fucked my hair up like that. She should ask for her money back. Oh. That's my worst nightmare when I get my roots done, so my hairdresser leaves the bleach on for an hour. Itchy but effective.

Oh, no, Tom evicted. Sad face. I like Tom's little outfit, he looks like Mr Tumnus. Loved him saying 'win it for me, Alex' when he left. The security guard isn't helping him as well as he did Faye! I liked it when he escorted Faye down and she looked all happy, it was cute.

Anyone would think Tom was being dragged off to the gallows the way Alex is acting. Loving Tom saying 'safe' to the crowd. I haven't heard that in about 15 years. Him and Alex's highlights were cute. Pressing the diary room button and running away was funny.

Tom was great in his interview. I thought he was hilarious. God, I thought he was such a twat when he went in but he's actually a decent, silly guy.

Is it up to us who wins? Is it really, Brian? Is it really? If you want to make Brian squirm tomorrow, vote Aaron FTW. You know it makes sense. Alex has already won in some ways. And Jay and Louise can both go shit in a bucket. See you tomorrow!

Big Brother 2011 - Let's not talk about the hairdryer anymore

I've never seen such an argumentative last week! And for that we must be grateful. The last week is normally boring. We've got sex, flirtations, strops, rows. It's been quite a good series really, despite it's production faults, live feed lack, biased BOTS and so on. Actually, BOTS has been quite enjoyable, too. I like Holy Moly dude now, Victor's been pretty good, and there have been some other cool maverick guests ie. Pete Burns and Lauren Harries.

I don't actually think Jay and Louise were 'sly', but I do think they bought the present for the cameras. I can't believe people are threatening to leave in the final week, it's ace!

Jay looks so rough compared to when he went in the house! He actually looks quite handsome in those old videos before he went in, if you can believe I'm saying that. LOL Aaron has spoken for a nation and mentioned price-tag gate. That's going to get back to Louise quick smart.

Aaron is one of those obsessive tea makers, isn't he? I had a boyfriend like that once. It didn't last.

Go on Louise, string a sentence together, put up a fight. Go on, I dare you. Tom looks like wants to disappear. Jay: 'I'm not going to shake your hand.' Aaron: 'do you think I want that?'

Jay: 'what you see is what you get'. Can I have a refund, then?

Oh Jay. You kept yourself together quite well so far. You're really fucking yourself right up the arse right now. Aaron does seem a bit beleaguered. Maybe he just needed telling. Is he listening?! I think he's listening. What is a 'radge'?

I'm not sure I like it when they get makeovers before they leave, I kind of like it when they walk out all fat, bursting out of their eviction dress with five inches of black roots. It tells a story!

Louise isn't going to talk about Aaron anymore because he's fucking up their game bad. Happy, happy house!

My boyfriend said Aaron looks like an old queen getting his pubes waxed. What is Aaron thinking! Waxing is the work of the devil. I tried waxing my legs once and it made me cry. Never again. Are Aaron's pubes ginger or is that the wax?!

Why would you bother threading your armpits? Haven't you heard of a disposable razor? It's painless!

I like Jay's make-up sentence: 'how's your dick?' Aaron looks like a refugee stumbling around. Why is Jay still bothering? I'd tell Aaron to stick it up his arse. My boyfriend just said 'That cunt does not give an inch.' about Aaron and he's right! Jay said sorry and Aaron didn't! Haha, those principles are a get out clause for anything, aren't they? I must get some!

I hate Lee Stafford! Obv. Would you trust a man with that hairdo? I am looking forward to the makeovers, despite myself. Aaron's hair looks the same! No, actually a little worse.

I'm not sure about that fringe on Louise. I LOVE fringes, and I think they suit almost everyone, but I don't know if it's for her. I like Alex's blonde but not sure about the curls, they're a bit dated, like Josie when she got her makeover after BB and they made her look bloody awful.

Not a good sign when your boyfriend goes about your hair: 'Do you like it?'

LOL to the photographer forcing Aaron and Jay to cuddle. I want that OK magazine, haha. Kerching!

Aw that's too cute Tom telling Alex she looks nice. Jay is 'coming to terms with Louise's new look'. LOL. 'Cute': another not good word from your boyfriend.

Jay on Louise's arse: 'you could eat your dinner off it.' Ha. I'm sure he will.

I like Alex's leopard print cardigan! Where's that from? What's Tom having a strop about? Being generic? He should enjoy those questions while they last, no one will be interested when he's out. I liked the way Big Brother dismissed him from the DR.

WTF is up with Tom? Is he after some airtime? Is it because he's taking being a housemate for granted? Aaron and Jay both look twitchy as Tom steals the limelight.

Eek this Diary Room strop is hilarious! 'Let's not talk about the hairdryer anymore' brilliant, it's like he and Big Brother are having a marital. Big Brother shouldn't laugh and joke with Tom! Boo. Big Brother should be formal! Tom IS shallow, cheered up by a pop song. BB was right about you all along. Tom IS vapid, but I like him.

I don't think Aaron should stir up that Alex and Tom pot so close to the end. My boyfriend just said 'Did Aaron say 'Tom is like Dappy and Justin Beiber rolled into one' to his face?'

Alex's roots look yellow under her ponytail. Remind me not to go to Lee Stafford. I prefer Headlites on Holloway Road, they do my bleach job just right and just white!

What's that sparkly flat cap Jay's got on? He looks like an absolute tool. I prefer Aaron's Noel Edmonds beard. Jay is actually giving Aaron good advice if only Aaron would listen.

Aaron's 'cancelling each other out' comment was interesting. He has been thinking, hasn't he? I reckon that spiteful git would be pleased to cancel Jay out. But I still like Aaron, I can't help it.

Tom saying 'you're so pretty' was slightly 'cancelled out' by 'you're pretty to me anyway' but it still made me blub. The way they look at each other is like no look I've ever seen between Faye and Aaron or Louise and Jay.

PS: my favourite Digital Spy thread of the day: 'Do you think Louise looks happy with her scat-obsessed thug?' Props.

Big Brother 2011 - I'll just sit wet *sniffle*

Louise goes to bed with a full face of make-up I see. She's probably one of those girls who gets up eight hours early so her boyfriend never sees her without her make-up on.

When they mentioned a rule break I thought they were going to tell Jay off for threatening Aaron with violence, but no.

Why are they playing Aphex Twin over the Aaron and Jay 'tension' ie. them both starting into the distance? Is Jay allowed to say he'll 'kick the life out of someone' in the DR? Apparently so.

Jay's list of fun: 'kick someone's head in. Shit in a kettle. Chew someone's head off.' The end. How does one shit in a kettle? Do they go down the spout? Remind me not to accept a cup of tea round Jay's manor.

Jay's Wolfpack stripes are showing! Why doesn't he go have one of his sauna chats with Aaron about marine biology? Oh, I know. He's exhausted all his material.

How much does Tom eat? His arms look about as wide as my fingers.

How many times can Aaron 'lose all respect' for someone? Once it's gone, it's gone.

Aaron lied on his audition tape! Kick him out. Quick. 'Sell my soul'?! What about his precious principles! Turncoat.

I can kind of understand Aaron getting annoyed with the inane chat. But what the fuck did he expect on Big Brother?

Oh BB is finally giving Jay a tell off! Well done, BB. Jay: 'my behaviour is not acceptable here.' It's not acceptable anywhere, you fucking animal. Grotesque thuggy, disgusting pig with a little fawning limpet girlfriend.

I reckon it's Anton and Aden in those clown suits. Balloooooooooooons! That task was a bit borin'.

Smoking truce!

Bloody hell, Tom and Alex were born in the 90s. I am ancient!

I liked those mayhem highlights, especially Jay picking up Tom and throwing him, that was quite funny. Louise sleeping doesn't seem so interesting. Chuck that boring bitch out.

Jay's boot camp! I like Aaron pretending to sulk and then laughing. He's such a spoilsport! Plus he was wearing that t-shirt yesterday.

Aaron is not going to have 'orders barked at him by that chump'. '5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, fucking run round again.' Lol. Get that man a fitness video. Jay should come in and start shouting at Aaron and force him to do sit ups.

Alex should get Aaron to wipe her bum. Indignity task!

I wondered what Jay was doing when he was barging into the bedroom door like a particularly thick bull. The man's an idiot. It's like him and Aaron are having a competition to see who can wreck their game the most effectively at the final hurdle.

Where did Jay get that towel from?! At least he ate before he went for his cry. He can't go and cry under the covers like Nasty Nick cos they won't let him in the bedroom. Instead he's gotta have a little cry under the hand towel.

Oh Big Brother, let Jay have his blub in peace. Jay looks like the woman who has her face ripped off by a chimp with that towel over his head.

I bet Louise doesn't like men who cry. Too soft, innit, Big Brother!

Why is Big Brother still keeping the bedroom locked like a bastard? Jay should just stay in there. Why doesn't he just get a duvet cover and lie outside?

OMG Jay's favourite song is AWFUL. That makes me want to vomit! LOL is he going to batter Aaron for dancing to his song? Aaron's dancing is super. It's rubbish when you hear a song you like when you're out and in a bad mood. It makes the pain worse! But not as bad as those saxophones in that song.

Tom's silent disco was quite amusing. They were probably playing the Macarena again.

Jay's crying disclaimer: normally he'd do anger, but he's being forced to do emotion thanks to Ofcom. At least that's what he'll tell his mates.

Big Brother 2011 - 500 quid. 500 quid. 500 quid. 500 quid.

How does Louise know the moves to the macarena, too? Is there some class I missed at school? I think Aaron missed it, too.

Oooooooh Louise is pissed off about Jay fucking a 'ladyboy'. It's not just Aaron who walks on that wild side, is it? Plus he said he did it by accident at first and then went out to do it 'because his mates did it.' He's cultured like that, isn't he?

Aaron is in macer-paina (sorry). They've already done this macarena shit! Zzzz.

Is Aaron deliberately trying to come across as the biggest shit on the planet this week? I wouldn't want a bag that cost £2,000. Jay: 'what's it made of?' Why is Aaron throwing a strop about this money when he's only got £990?!

They are only trying to get them to spend this money so there's a row about the 10K each.

Where's the Argos catalogue? I like Tom's hair longer. I think he knows there's a present in the offing. I like that red dress Louise has got on today. Jay is anxious about that cash! He doesn't feel happy! He's got his eye on that bigger prize.

I'd rather not have a cake than eat those ingredients raw. Powder gob!

I wouldn't like to be wrapped up as a present. Claustrophobia times. What's the catch with this present task? I don't get it.

Louise: 'we've spent £500 each on your presents'. Mercenary bitch! I'd rather you hadn't bothered. I can't believe she said that! OMG she said it again. You can see Aaron is about to explode. He's accepting those thanks, though.

Aaron: bad feeling harbinger. He's clip-clopping across that kitchen like a troll o'er a bridge. 'It makes you look really bad.' I can't believe he said that. If he said that to me, I'd go fucking mental at him. I'd rip his fucking head off. He is really pushing his luck.

Jay is stewing. But I can't blame him! I would have strangled Aaron to death by now. Birthday guilt trip! Who IS in the right? Who's side am I on? No one's!

If Louise really just buying that present out of the kindness of her heart why does she keep going it's 500 quid! 500 quid! Yes 500 fucking quid, we get it.

Alex looks like a fairy under the Christmas tree. They are nice shoes, though. How much are they again, Louise?

Aaron's come to wish you a unhappy birthday! I like the way they've got all the lights strobing, very nice. I've not noticed that before. Is Aaron eating a sausage on a stick?

I think Aaron is actually trying to get Jay to punch him. That's my theory.

I don't like Louise and Jay making snide remarks at Jay. Just come out and say 'you're wrong, I don't agree with you.' Get it over with.

Louise is coming off particularly stupid and shallow tonight. Jay: 'hand on heart I will not say a word to Aaron for the duration.' I've heard him say that before! How long before he speaks to him? I give him five minutes.

Jay stop bitching like a little gorm and go have it out with Aaron. Oh you can't because you'll punch him.

I'm sure Tom and Alex don't mind being 'used' when they get loot out of it. Aaron is like judge, jury and executioner. He should be the new Judge Judy.

I don't like strangers being referred to as 'randoms'. It's snobbery!

Oh Aaron. Your kamikaze gameplay continues. And still I sort of want to vote for you. And I don't know why...

Big Brother 2011 - I miss Jeremy Kyle so much

Who's buying Jay's friendliness towards Aaron? Not I! Mind you, at least he pretends. They should have played 'Why Can't I Wake Up With You' into the house this morning, Aaron would have appreciated that.

Aaron is irked the winner isn't getting the full 100K. I wonder why. Mind you, I suppose you would be in a way. Aaron is being a bit mean saying they're all putting on a performance. Because he is, too.

I haven't seen much of Louise's 'rebel without a cause' act. Where's that in the highlights show?

If they're going to do a bit of fashion filler, they need to do a full five minutes on Aaron's fleece. Tom has the best dress sense. I like what Alex wears as well. Jay dresses like a Ken doll trying to be a bit edgy. Anything's better than Faye in her beige towel.

There's Aaron's teacher fleece in the sauna! Quick, throw it on the hot coals whilst he's not looking.

Louise is doing her Miss World speech: 'as a model I don't get to help people.' Oh STFU. Alex works in McDonalds and you're moaning about being a model. You're not in Big Brother to save the whale so stop bullshitting.

I'm glad Aaron didn't hear Alex and Louise eulogising Jeremy Kyle and Louis Walsh or steam might have been coming out of his ears.

Seriously, Aaron thinks he's entitled to that fucking 100k. But he's not stupid. He's not going to take any big prize. He'll be on the tenner, mark my words.

Where's the independant adjudicator? I don't trust Jay's lottery balls. I prefer set of balls number 6 and Guinevere, myself.

It's true that if Alex has the mega bucks, she can probably be trusted to split it honestly. I think if Aaron had got them it would have been bad gameplay, bad luck, bad everything. It could hurt Alex having the £30K.

I preferred the Barbie talk to the David Cameron talk. Jay doesn't like football!? He just went up in my estimation, I thought he was a classic football thug.

Tom is twitching about Alex having that 30 grand. Surely Big Brother isn't going to let them get away with that splitting it skullduggery.

Is Aaron retarded? Of course Big Brother isn't going to sort out giving you ten grand each, Big Brother shouldn't even ALLOW you to do ten grand each.

Tom's been quite amusing tonight, I've quite enjoyed his one-liners.

I wouldn't let ANYONE suck my toe, or suck ANYONE'S toe. Jay smirking at Tom's body; I'd rather fuck Tom than Jay. Aaron has the best body, actually, I think it's quite nice, and I liked his pants, too. Good on him gyrating on Tom; do you think he would have done that if Faye was there? I bet not!

Tom and Alex's conversation was interesting: they're both skirting round the issue. Tom seems to have got it sussed, he's not going to do well. It will be him or Louise out next.

Louise is coming on a bit strong! Hold the vicar. It's just sexual frustration.

Tom to Aaron: 'you're such a glum bastard.' True.

Big Brother 2011 - Swear down now on your mother's life

I thought Faye handled herself very well last night in the face of Brian's pathetic spitefulness. I liked it when she said she still loved him despite extreme provocation. In a way it's sad to see Faye go but I don't know why because I couldn't stand her. I suppose it's because it's a victory for Jay's team, isn't it?
Alex drinking full fat coke in bed for breakfast! Yum. My friend Kellie is here and she said (rather belatedly) 'it was sad to see Mark go.' No it wasn't!
Do you think Aaron is going to be wearing that fleece on final night?
I wish I had never had to see Louise in the diary room again, she's such a drip. I notice Aaron has to be forced to say 'I love you' back to Faye.
I'm so tired of Jay and Louise. So, so tired. A week of this is going to be depressing. It's hard to write this blog because my friends are talking too much. And also because it's all filler.
I think Louise just made a vulgar comment about Aaron going down on Faye. Yucks.
I don't like Faye's roman necklace, and I don't like her failed prayer to God.
Louise had bad controller's leg before she got evicted. I do admire Faye's eyebrows.
Alex: 'Faye is free-spirited.' No. DOES Aaron love Faye? I think he does in his own weird way.
The money-splitting convo: would YOU trust Aaron? At least he can do the sums, but after votegate who could trust him? Plus notice he said the winner gets the 50K plus the 10K hehe.
Will money tear them apart? Maybe, they're not that close anyway. Big Brother isn't going to let them split it between them like that anyway.
Jay: 'I'm not wired up right.' True. One week to go.

Big Brother 2011 - How mean is your spouse?

What is this song they're all dancing to? Z-Sync? Aaron is being super camp today. I reckon he had that child in quick so he can come out in his mid-thirties. I don't think I could go out with someone with the music taste of a 12-year-old girl.

Kim Woodburn is in the house! Should have sent Lauren Harries in instead.

I liked Alex's reaction to drinking the 'virgin mary' (non-alcoholic bloody mary). I'd go 'eww' too. I'm desperately trying to think of a virgin mary pun on my name. Spill-over virgin mary? Low-lit virgin mary? Up-turned virgin mary? Oh dear, as Aaron would say.

Those bucking bronco things look like they'd give you a cheap thrill if you were a girl. Yet at the same time, this task is anti-erotic.

Faye and Louise's sex talk was funny. 'Can you imagine Aaron at it?' 'No,' says his girlfriend.

Jay should have cling-filmed both legs at once. He probably gets off on that sort of stuff.

Aaron's faith in Faye: 'she'd take her top off for the right money.' Niiiiiiiiiiice. Mind you, how can we believe anything anyone says after John Crab 'magazine deal' Eyes James betrayed us all. by selling his soul to OK for a set of decks and a roll around with Josie.

Health and safety, Louise has banged her leg on a shelf. LOL to them deliberately rolling in the paint. If Aaron did that he'd be crucified. My eye would definitely be on the food for a week, not the transient thrills of a roll in some blue paint.

I quite like the skirts the ladies are wearing, they're quite demure. Aaron and Alex were quite fun in that task.

Tom: 'say hello to Aggie!' to Kim. I don't think they speak any more. Not sure where I read that, probably in the Daily Mail.

I like watching Faye pretending to be friendly to Louise and Louise pretending she likes Faye when they've been nominating other for weeks.

Tom looks like Where's Wally today. I didn't realise that smoking area was undercover - they've got all the mod cons, haven't they?

If this is the happiest Faye has been in her life, she must have had an awful life. So much for that wonderful friends and family, hey?

Jay saying 'you're my little princess' is creepy! He'll be giving it 'call me daddy' in a week's time.

Sorry my blog is duff, it's because we're coming to the end of days! BB needs to stir it up, quick.

Btw, I might miss the eviction tomorrow. But then Faye and Louise are hardly the big guns. I'll be here at some point over the weekend, probably when we're being force-fed thirty minutes of highlights.

Big Brother 2011 - I'm getting a semi

Please excuse me, I'm delirious and my computer aint much better.

Tom's tea frost! Perhaps a pash with Aaron would cheer him up. Jay's relationship advice isn't really worth the paper it's crayoned on. I think I'd rather have Aaron blowing hot and cold on me.

My boyfriend has Aaron's pyjama bottoms on. And it's not like an accident, he bought them from TKMaxx this week.

Yay, bring on Aaron and Jay's intellectual conversation. Sauna chat! Stephen Hawking - check. They should have shown that bit they showed on BOTS about the universe being in the shape of a horseshoe, that was much better. This cake-baking stuff is zzzz.

Jay mentioning shit - check! Is anything going to happen this episode? Ah, bad feelings about the couples task, good. Aaron and Alex's portrayal of Jay and Louise didn't mention shit! Fail.

I like the way Jay dropped his rap onto the next line like Eminem and his window pane/pain.

Louise: 'I love your little weird hands.' about Aaron. Cut to Aaron. Not a real smile. The Aaron/ Faye/ Maisy triangle was quite accurate. Tom's got the fleece on!

Aaron looks livid! 'I like to dress up in women's underwear' LOL. I can see some silent treatment coming on. You can't say Aaron doesn't provide the entertainment. His face says it all.

Aaron: 'Tom's insinuating I'm a paedophile.' Hardly. I wish Faye would just tell him to grow up and stop pandering to him.

Aaron: 'is this what you're wearing today?' WTF? The only reason you would ever say that is a negative reason. Clothes-gate!

'I'm falling in love with you. Aaron.' Only Faye could say that like 'I'm going for my STD results.'

Faye and Aaron are even arguing about dancing to A Million Love Songs!

I hope Tom and Alex do make it to Disney. Alex looked sick at the thought of Tom's willy! It's nice to watch someone have 'the best time ever'. It's not often you can pinpoint the best times ever until long after. And even then... you might not remember them.

Big Brother 2011 - Dappy is beautiful. Discuss.

This blog is a race against time before my computer breaks, I might have to finish it off on my phone. Two seconds in and Louise has mentioned the toilet! Shocker. She admits she knew what she was doing about the nominations. Will someone tell a very biased Brian Dowling and Jeff Brazier?

Why is Jay crawling up Aaron's arse? Oh, I know, that suitcase 'blu-tacked' to the wall. I'd like to see them blue tack 100K to the wall. I'd like to see Jay do it.

Let's get this straight right now, Louise is no saint, no sacrificial lamb. She voted for Faye as revenge for Aaron putting her up. Let's not pretend any different.

Another trite romantic gesture from Jay! Marriage material? He's not even one night stand material. 'I'm a good drawer!' He's no Rolf Harris.

Why is Faye doing a Northern Irish for Brian?

Aaron is 'being made to feel like he's done something wrong' LOL - just like Vincent Tabak. Aaron just admitted he liked Alex better than Faye. Well, who can blame him? But even Faye's not speaking to him now!

Those egg puns were getting on my nerves. I wouldn't like to eat my dinner in the DR with a camera in my face, it would put me off.

What sane person says their ideal man is Dappy? And he's beautiful?! Alex. You need a stronger prescription, glasses and meds-wise.

Aaron does hold an impressive grudge. I'm so crap at grudge holding! I had to call the police on one of my friends once and I still made up with them later. I'm lame at having enemies. Oh, actually, I can hold grudges with my family quite decently, scratch that.

As IF Aaron is going to go with Faye when he's out in the world! She's the 'best of a bad bunch' (in his eyes). And she's not even that!

Jay trying to win round of Aaron: 'you look like you've just been dug up.' Jay is being quite sweet 'politics is interesting'. Jay's the new Brian Cox. Jay is playing the game, but he's playing smart at the moment, smarter than Aaron. He could win it right now, but two weeks is a long time in that house.

Faye is right, who sits in front of their girlfriend and says 'I've got nothing in common with people in here.' You'd just be like 'what the fuck?' She just sits there sour, though, why doesn't she confront him? And I don't mean whining, I mean screaming! Are you glad you kept her in instead of Harry? Are you? Are you?!

I know what sort of films Jay can do, x-rated ones with Louise. Give it six months.

That Jay vs Aaron moon/ deep blue sea debate better be on the fucking highlights tomorrow. I need a good laugh.

Big Brother 2011 - And if the devil is six, then Aaron is seven

I just noticed that I never had Alex as a tag on my blog! WTF. So sorry, Alex. Especially as you're probably going to win it. And you're ace.

We were laughing when we saw Faye talking to Jay as you never see them talking. Then my boyfriend said 'imagine what Faye's mum would think if she was going out with Jay!' Fresh pillowcases, anyone? Aaron looks like Aled Jones in comparison.

Louise: 'my family's waiting for me.' ARE they? They told you to behave yourself BEFORE he said he was going to 'fuck you so hard your kidneys' were going to come out of your arsehole'. Not that that is really your fault. Except it is, because you fancy the disgusting pig! Honestly, put a pig in a vest and I'd rather fuck it than him. At least it would have manners.

Faye can't cook an egg. Get Glynn in to show her how it's done. Ahh ooh, ahh ooh. *this reference is for old people*

Jay pissing in the pool! Is there no beginning to his decorum? Can you imagine if a woman went on the way he did, talking about rimming, peeing in the pool and shitting off a cliff (Louise's name is Cliffe, incidentally - insert Sun-style pun here). He's worse than the book Wetlands, which describes all bodily functions in such graphic detail I had to give up on it halfway through.

Louise looks good as a witch.

Aaron IS the brains of the operation. I couldn't have worked out how to do the nominations so quickly. It's a bit boring them trying to fix it, though. Tom looks good as a skeleton, too. He's got heroin chic. Jay can't feel the electric shocks because he's such a meathead. I can't tell if these nominations are real now, but I know they're gonna fuck it up.

Notice they've made Aaron the devil! Editing! I liked Jay nominating Faye for her nighttime moaning at Aaron virtually word for word.

Aaron has fucked the 'two votes each' system! Love it. Underhand. Is he pretending he did it accidentally? He IS a gameplanner! He IS the devil! I like it.

Louise looks mad as hell as the witch. She enjoyed nominating Aaron. I LOVED her nominating Faye, too! Revenge. Her reasons for nominating we're spot on!

Uh oh, Aaron is going to get it in the NECK! The rivalries are back on. Faye's going to shit! Ah, if Louise had voted for Tom everyone would have been up!

Aaron admits he know exactly what he was doing! That's unfair, that shouldn't have been his decision to make. Even Louise knew he did it on purpose.

Aaron is playing a VERY dangerous game. But he's ALWAYS played a dangerous game. I really want Faye to go this week! And for Aaron to have the blood on his hands.

Interesting to see Tom covering for Aaron. But so he should, Aaron saved his arse. But Aaron is right, Tom and Alex doesn't to be up. No one could bring themselves to nominate Alex and Tom.

Aaron is shifting the blame onto Louise quite effectively. I admire his chutzpah.

Louise HASN'T sacrificed herself, she was after Faye because she was pissed off with Aaron, plus she couldn't work out the maths.

This could be good for Louise going up against a grumpy Faye. I bet Jem and the harridan mum are throwing things against the TV right now! Eat that!

Aaron, you shouldn't have voted for who you wanted to after telling everyone else something else. That's not an even playing field. He doesn't decide who goes in the final. Why isn't Jay kicking off?

Go on Louise, play the sympathy card HARD. This will be the end of Faye and Aaron. 'If it's my time to go, it's my time to go'! Ding ding! Let's evict that miserable cow Faye, and teach Aaron about who gets to be in that prestigious final.

Why is Tom saying 'I hate Aaron' now? I'm confused!

Yes Aaron, you DO need to explain yourself in that DR chair. It was YOU who suggested the split vote! Him talking principles is hilarious! He'll sell them for anything cashable...

OMG everyone hates Aaron now. It would have been the chivalrous thing to do for them all to split the vote. Aaron was underhand, not principled. He should have pretended he fluffed it, at least.

Aaron is worried Alex will go! He might get a big shock on final night when she beats him. Aaron does NOT love Faye if he says he'd give Alex that free pass over her. If he said that to me and I was his alleged girlfriend I'd go fucking MENTAL. I'd rip his fucking head off. For once in her life she's got every right to be pissed off. Although let's not forget, she's put him up before. He doesn't give a shit, he really doesn't.

Oh Aaron. Jeff Brazier is going to be so mad at you, whilst Jenny Frost leers and twitches by his side on OKTV like a melting ventriloquist's dummy.

Aaron, Aaron, Aaron. You play the game kamikaze style. I love you one minute and hate you the next. But I like it! I like all my ambivalent feelings. That's entertainment. Aaron FTW!

Big Brother 2011 - R&B's atrocious

Sorry I missed you last night, I was off at a party (shocker). It was touching to see how upset everyone was about Harry going, especially Alex. I love the fact Tom and Alex snog but don't mention it to each other or anyone else, it's very cool.

Jay drinking beer and belching was so gross. I think Louise is going to be so mortified in 6 months when they've split up and she looks back and sees her simpering by his side as he acts like a complete fucking animal. It was nice to see Aaron and Jay having a hug last night, though.

I love the description of Alex and Tom's conversations: 'what's your favourite tooth? What's your favourite toe?' It's a wonderful thing to behold.

Aaron's tattoo of a skull with a top hat on is sooooo naff. It suggests a severe lack of judgement.

I certainly hope Jay doesn't kill himself on his self imposed sauna task! Sauna's are so gross, I can't stand going in them, it's not natural.

Love Aaron picking Jay up on calling women 'birds'.

The secret mission is quite funny. Tom was quite a good choice for that task. Oh well, at least he got out of doing the cleaning.

This chipmunk task is like the club singer round in Shooting Stars. Nice to see Faye laughing and enjoying herself. Makes a bloody change. Jay singing Love Machine was also amusing just because it's quite incongruous. Dancing in the Moonlight is so perfect for Aaron to sing, that's probably playing in his car full time as he drives round Surrey or wherever he's from.

Aaron is going for the full Morrissey's 'reggae is vile' quote with 'r&b's atrocious'. He's right though, isn't he? Britpop and boy bands would have been much more pleasant. I wouldn't even sit in the same room that (most) r&b was playing. But you know Big Brother will try and spin this to 'Aaron's a racist' even though he's right, the music is rubbish and sexist. I'd be really disappointed if I could have had a bit of Moz and instead they played Neyo, or some shit. I like Aaron's 'cut-off-my-nose-to-spite-face' policy, I'm big on that, too. And I don't like Indian food, either! Look, I'm not a racist *points at Aaron*.

I've never seen Jay wear his winter babygro before. It's nice to hear Jay and Louise talking mushy in a way, because it reminds me of that early bit of a relationship when you can't think of anything else except this all-consuming passion. Nice feelings! Just with less farting.

Aaron is definitely playing up to the cameras tonight! Little bastard dancing in the loo on his own. He is so acting up. He's treading a fine line, that one.

They've all got onesies on! When did this happen? Who's sponsoring them!?

Big Brother 2011 - You're the one for me, Harry

I'm watching this an hour late so maybe you already know who's gone but maybe not. It is quite an exciting eviction this week! I don't really want any of them to go in a way, which sounds wrong. I hope it's Faye, Faye or Jay.

Faye's got a nice bum, I'd rather look at that than her face. Aaron is being quite camp today. I like that jumper Faye's got on. How can they still be wearing clothes I haven't seen them wear yet?

Tom looks like he's got new clothes on, too. I think Tom got quite lucky this year in a way, that the big characters took the heat off him, because in another year I think he would have been more of a target, even though I really like him.

Faye's mum is a stony-faced old bitch. They're booing her! Lol. GET FAYE OUT. I like Aaron's brother's coat.

Who's that standing behind Harry's girlfriend? He looks like he's out on license. Jay's mum's hat looks like Harry might want to shoot it once he gets out.

Boxing ring! Ugh I had to stop watching Eastenders due to that fucking boxing ring, it's following me round.

Faye's wrestling name is so crap. Are they doing this task to get her votes? I wouldn't like people touching my feet. Harry is the least sexy wrestler ever. It's quite a good task, really. Faye's got a cob on about the wrestling. Makes a change. Defeated by the ankle-biter.

Faye-in-a-box is actually smiling since the sister of doom went!

Aaron's dancing is good! I like it. I can impersonate the signature dance move of most of my close friends. I like Tom and Alex hiding behind the barbecue, they are too cute.

I want Jay to go now, Faye and Aaron are being bearable tonight. Yes, bearable!

They don't bother putting punctuation on Jay's subtitles, because let's face it, he wouldn't.

Aaron: 'I love you.' Faye: *insert negative comment here*. She's right though, he doesn't love her. What about that Range Rover?! They've mounted the cash in a briefcase! Anton would like that.

At least Jay has the good grace to say thanks for those votes, unlike Aaron. Argh, I keep liking Jay again! Boo.

Oh no, I'm so gutted Harry went. I knew I should have chucked him another vote. How could Faye be more popular than him? I lay this squarely on the shoulders of Jem. Aw to Aaron and Faye crying. Oh Alex is howling!

Harry shouldn't have gone out like that. Common People! Harry should have been in the final. Fuck those tactical votes.

My boyfriend just said if Paddy can win it, Jay can win it, and he's right.

Couldn't Harry's parents have afforded a brace for him when he was younger? I can't honestly believe Harry is sitting there right now. It's so rubbish.

LOL to Aaron sobbing like a baby in the background. 'Jay is the horse with three legs' lol. Fuck off Brian, what are you, an honorary member of the Wolfpack? I don't think they let gay people in.

I liked Harry's rows. He was passionate about not very much. Harry will always be remembered for 'I'm sorry, Harry, did you say FIVE HUNDRED bananas?' Is Brian SERIOUSLY having a go at Harry about that? Pathetic. I'm losing faith in Dowling more and more every week, he's picking people up on pointless shit whilst glossing over genuine sexism and other bad crap.

Alex's sad face in the background was cute. Harry's leaving message was sweet. Harry looked emotional! I'm glad he said Alex was his favourite. I will miss Harry.

That house is a much poorer place without him. Six showmances and no posh boy. Boo. Mind you, this is a great British public (t.m. Jeremy Kyle) who voted for Kerry Katona over the immense Jedward. You anger me!

I think it must be between Aaron and Alex to win. And as lovely as Alex is, she's still sort of a floater. It feels like Aaron's worked for it a bit. Mind you, a LOT can happen in two weeks. A lot.

Bye, Harry. Go shoot something. And make it Faye's mum.

Big Brother 2011 - It's been absolutely fantastic

Sorry I'm late, we went to Tesco and it dragged on a lot, but not as long as the Faye and Aaron saga (correct word).

God, is Jem still there? Let's wrap this shit up and move on. She's a piece of work and she doesn't deserve the oxygen, much less the airtime.

What is that bit they're showing with Aaron and Faye arguing last night? We never saw that! What were they arguing about, was it the Range Rover? Another big gap they're not bothering to show us, instead showing us Jem threatening to leave 70 billion times. Zzzzzzzzzzzz.

I think Aaron is being a bit unfair to Aaron; a lot of young girls go 'I want x kids and this house' and all that bullshit. It doesn't mean anything, it's just idle chat.

My Sky TV just died then and we were just going to make up what happened in the rest of the episode but we resurrected it somehow. I sort of wish I hadn't as it's 24/7 Jem. Just proves what a selfish bitch she is to go even knowing that it put Faye at risk. I actually cared about that yesterday, but I don't today, because this story has been done to death. Once I've seen someone on BOTS I'm not really interested in what happened in the house because it's old news.

Glad Alex and Tom are still getting on. I wish they showed a lot more of the humour in the house.

Faye can't even bear his own company when he's having a poo!

Doesn't Faye get hat hair when she wears those stupid hats? I've got a hat a bit like that (despite calling it stupid) and it makes my fringe go mental.

Jem talking to camera. Jem talking at all. Just go away. God, this Big Brother is dire. Is she going to pack her own bag or just order someone else to do it for her like Mark did?

It's a bit late for the motivation speeches, Jem, after you've been in there and broken her. She's a manipulative motherfucker.

I'm so glad they didn't just put Harry and Aaron up, that would have sucked so bad. It does feel like the 'big guns' are up now, and I sincerely hope Faye goes. I'm really worried that Harry might be a bit vulnerable now.

If that's Jem's idea of an 'absolutely fantastic' time I'd hate to see her having an emotional breakdown. She doesn't deserve 'best bits'. She came, she made Faye cry, she left. She could have just stayed one more day, she would have been evicted anyway.

I couldn't drink that cinnamon shot! Yuck, look at all that powder! Ick.

I wonder what they're going to play at this rave, I hope it's Darude and Zombie Nation. It's like a 90s rave every night round my friend Adam's house, musically. So who do we reckon are the real pillheads? I reckon Jay, Aaron and Tom. Faye would be anti (obviously). I don't think Alex needs it.

You never see them in the pool, do you? Because it's October, I guess!

Who designs the McDonalds uniforms? Hamburglar or Jasper Conran? Could be either. What 'dirty' tunes did they play? Bass in the place? Josh Wink? Sonique? Born Slippy? Not fucking FAITHLESS, surely? Glow stick it up your arse!