The Voice: Live shows

Hello! I've been a big blog-dry lately but with Big Brother on next week, I thought it was time to get back in the saddle. So these are the live shows? What was the rest of it? I've actually been enjoying The Voice in a very much brain-off sort of a way. The shows are too long, though. And I'd probably enjoy this show more if they hadn't ditched the people I liked pretty much every single round.
Jessie J's bald head suits her, which is surprising as she's got a face like a shovel. Jessie J really reminds me of a dying Jade Goody lately, and the bald head isn't helping. RIP.
Holly's gone for strapless, which is brave. I don't think curvy girls can do strapless, but I'd hate to comment on all the WOMEN'S appearances without slagging off the men. Trouble is, the men are so boring in their appearances that they're barely worth mentioning. What is Reggie doing there again? At least for once it's a man in an utterly pointless supporting role.
I like this Matt guy who looks a bit like will.i.am (no he DOES, I'm not being racist). I like his clothes and he appears to have some real talent. Why are they putting him on first?! Dear Lord, what is this song they've give him? Dreadful. It's like something the Lion King, except not catchy. The song choices have been awful for weeks. They were meant to be able to choose their own songs last week, and the judges just railroaded them into picking the songs they wanted, or just wouldn't put them through to spite them. Tom Jones: 'he kicked it.' Kicked what? The bucket? It was duff, let's just admit it. Jessie J did a boo-boo.
Next up: a Welsh person Tom Jones put through. This is news right up there with Louis Walsh putting an Irish person through. They just ask for the passport and the person doesn't even bother having to sing. Oh, no, sorry, he's Jessie's, my mistake. Can't we have a break from looking at Jessie, please?
This is that fat dude. They've put him in a shirt reminiscent of when Violet Beauregarde blows up in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Is anyone going to do a song we've heard of? This is like me being a judge and getting my acts to all do obscure early Conor Oberst tracks. Simon Cowell wouldn't let this shit fly.
I think Sarah is absolutely beautiful and she was really good last week. Jessie has given out another dire song, like a slowed-down disco song, and put her in some disgusting shiny leggings. She's never going to get through with a song choice like that. Cruel.
So Jessie gets to put one of her own acts though? Why? Why can't we choose now? Jessie J telling the audience off for enjoying themselves. Typically, she put through the person I like the least, Ash. If she hates something, I'm guaranteed to love it and vice versa.
Next up is team Tom... and Alys. Remember Leanne Mitchell who won last year? Well she's like her. Yet another song I've never heard of. I haven't known one song yet. I mean, I know doing Mariah Carey's Hero is a bit old hat, but could we have something middle ground? Something from the past 15 years that's popular? Tom Jones said 'if Alys does touch you emotionally you need to get your emotions looked at.' Tell it to your wife, bitch. I so LOVE someone going on incessantly about their kids.
Next up is Joseph. I'm really getting bored now. His voice isn't bad. Is he a superstar? No.
Next is Mike, the guy who looks like a rapper but sings country. Wonderful. We don't have country music here! Not a niche that needs filling. Go away. Tom Jones looks like he's nodding off in the old people's home again. Tom put through country dude. Zzzz.
Next up is Andrea... oh, God. Lovely voice, shame about the personality and the hair. Mind you, she is blind, the hair isn't really her fault. Seriously, who is styling her? She always looks like she's about to go to the wedding of someone she doesn't like. Danny is bopping about as if something amazing is happening. It isn't. She has a nice voice. That's it. There's no X Factor here, I'm afraid. To say otherwise is patronising. Well done, Andrea, you chose a song. And Danny will put you through. Next!
Mitchell 'loves rock music'. Last week he sung Lady Ant-whatherface, the one about being drunk and making a booty call. I thought that song was a joke the first time I heard it. He also murdered something else recently but I can't remember what it was. Ah... he's reimaging 'Radioactive' by Imagine Dragons. I only like 'It's Time' by them. That song is so good and then all their others are a bit blah. Ooh, they've put wub wubs on it. HE'S GOT RIPPED JEANS ON. He must be rock. CASE CLOSED. His hair is too fine to be rock. Danny's gurning is better best forgotten. Holly had to apologise because Mitchell said 'Jesus Christ.' Are we that sensitive? Dear me. He's not 'a rock star'. He's a pub singer.
I still have no clue why this Karl guy got put straight through last week. He's like a fat Ray Quinn. It's like when Arg gets up to sing in TOWIE and I don't even watch that show. He like a sweatier Tommy Duckworth. I like this song and he's RUINING IT! He's putting zero emotion into it. KEY CHANGE. Oh, he's blaming his earpiece for being out of time.
Danny put Andrea though, as I predicted about ten minutes ago. It can't feel good for her to know he's propping her up, I'd rather the public had a say if I were her.
Will's team has the best people; they're more individual. Will is talking gibberish, have his meds kicked in? Leanne aka Chantelle Houghton is good, I like her. She's quite draggy, but there's just something loveable about her. Her performance is super camp; it reminds me of Rylan, but she can sing, too. I don't like the song but at least it's got a bit of drama to it.
Cleo is doing Imagine. Why? It doesn't suit her and it's an awful song. She oversang it. I like her but that was not the right choice for her.
I like Leah, I think she's cute, she reminds me of Shirley Manson. She looks like she should be in Corrie in the 60s. Oh dear Lord, she's doing a slowed down version of I Will Survive, a song that demands to be sung along to. I was singing along to Cake's version in my car earlier. I like her, but Will's song choices were iffy. I hope she DOES survive.
Will is tweeting the person he's putting through. Cos he's an idiot. Oh it's Leah. Cool. Will hasn't quite got this 'being on TV' thing sorted.
That Tyler guy I didn't like last year is back singing an awful song. He looks stoned. Oh and here's the guy who wears horrible vests. We've had Rylan since you, mate, your services aren't required.
Yay, here's Bo Bruce! A person who actually looks like a popstar. Danny is doing a 'blank-what-is-he-thinking' face and singing the words to her song wrong. I'd like to play poker against this guy. He's almost see-through! I REALLY like Bo's album, I've been listening to it loads. Wow, Leanne looks like she's put on about three stone. My boyfriend said she was fat anyway but I didn't remember her looking like Supernanny. Bo blows her out of the water. Oh God, I can't do the results show as well. I just can't. I'm posting this. I'll tweet a comment on the results AS IF YOU CARE.
Come back Big Brother, quick!

Celebrity Big Brother 2007: The Good That Won't Come Out

The British public, populated by chavs and oiks as it is, did the right thing. Despite Cleo's heartbreaking Kenny story (actually, that WAS quite sad) Dirk so determinedly catching a big fish in the relative dryness BB living room swung it for him. Danielle's realisation that her 'best friends' were the unpopular crowd was classic. You're next, honey! I shall point an old school style lottery finger at you and waggle it hard.
How weird would it have been if Jo and DIRK had left to a gaggle of boos? How unfair! Sure Jo needed a bodyguard but that would have been unusual viewing indeed.
Davina's interviews went back to their usual lame territory tonight: Jo's was too short and was like a surly teen being ticked off by a ineffectual cover teacher. She didn't look or say sorry. And why should she? She hadn't been coached by Jade's PR man.
Cleo should have been taken to task a LOT more. Her victimisation of Dirk was gross. Showing her the bit where he dissed her saggy cleavage was a low blow though. Low, but enjoyable. I guess watching clips of her comedy characters dying on their arses one by one was punishment enough. Saying she wanted Jack or Danielle to win and for Davina to say 'Wait until you read the papers!' was silly: like that's gonna change her mind if three weeks locked in a house with them didn't. Dur.
OK: only one more heartfelt aren't-you-naughty style interview to go, then we can get on with crowning the top three, all of whom won't be English, and probably will run away from England as fast as their lickle legs will carry 'em.
And who could resent them for that?

Celebrity Big Brother 2007: Laugh or no Laugh?

The last person who referred to themselves in the third person in the Big Brother house was a strange egomaniac who couldn't deal with the harsh realities of life such as pant-washing (Leo). Now we have Cleo, who cannot deal with... um, anything. She is a comedienne who's not funny. Where does she go from here? Away, I hope.
I'll tell you one thing though, when Jack provides a bigger belly laugh than your 'comedy characters': god help you! Although how can anyone compete with Jack's tiny comical penis? I like skinny male bodies when they are clothed but that was really something else. Would he have got away with that if Jade had still been in the house? I suspect not.
The decline of Dirk is depressing as he's the funniest and most intelligent person in the house. Can he still win it? I'd like to think so, but he just seems so sad. Hopefully Shilpa and Jermaine will keep looking after him and keeping him sane.
When can we boot some more people out? I'd like to see the back of Jo and Danielle quick smart. If they kept me awake when I was trying to sleep I'd poison the fuckers.
But that's just me.

Celebrity Big Brother 2007: (Not) A Good Soul

So finally I get to write about something other than you know what. And what do we get instead? More of you know what! OK so Jade has gone blubbering off to the News of the World to contradict herself about whether she's a racist or not. But still tensions remain.
'If you think peace is a common goal, it goes to show how little you know...' a wise Mancunian once sang, and he was right.
One victim/perpetrator down and another one of each grows back in its place. It's depressing how predictable it all is.
It took me around half an hour to even work out what was going on in tonights Big Brother. Why was Cleo even annoyed Dirk made a joke about porn? Jo and Danielle are grown women, they can tell him to stop if they think he's over-stepped the line.
Instead I rather suspect it was his affectionate groping of Shilpa that really got Cleo's goat and the porn thing was an excuse as lame as her non-comedy character. How dare she go in the diary room and say he has no sense of humour. She has never made me laugh ONCE. Frightened, yes. Angry, certainly. She went from frozen-faced fence-sitter to sexually-aggressive harridan and did nothing useful in between. The thing about him being close to cracking, like that was a good thing, was also deeply mysterious. Is the Big Brother house in topsy-turvy land? Is cruelty considered genius there? Or are they all just a fucked-up, out-of-touch wankers who will be weeping and repenting on the front of Closer/ Tabloids/ BBLB before we know it?
'I'm sure he thinks we all fancy him,' Cleo said, revealing what we already know... that she DOES fancy him, and is so desperate for his attention that she's decided to victimise him instead.
'She's a good soul,' said Shilpa, about as off the money with her character assessments as her chicken cooking. 'No she's not.' Dirk said, with more honesty than five series of Big Brother contestants put together. Jo and Danielle continued to prove themselves cruel as fuck, so it wasn't Jade stirring them up after all. They were nasty little bastards anyway. Good, I don't want people to forget.
Dirk: cheer up. We love ya still. It will all be over... soon.