The Brit Awards 2012: The cream of the crap

I've blogged the Brit awards a mind-boggling four years in a row. The world is spinning round fast, isn't it? Perhaps I've mellowed and I'll enjoy it this year. What? James Corden is presenting again? Only Keith Lemon (an imaginary but still highly irritating person) is more odious. He's doing the spin-off show? I'll go stick some broken glass up my nose after instead of watching that.
I'm drinking Babycham. I think I might need something stronger. OK, here we go. It's Coldplay! Apparently Courtney Love is friends with Gloopy Paltrow. Can you imagine Courtney hanging out with Chris Martin? Or Beyonce? Scarecrow dreams indeed. Who do you think is the bigger dictator, Chris Martin or Gary Barlow? Only one way to find out, etc.
They should get Russell Brand to present this bag of crap. I'm tired of Adele going I wont do this, I won't do that, I'll never sing again, I'll never write about emotions again, I'll never wear a shapeless black lacy dress again, blah, blah, blah. Go away and never do these things again, then. I keep seeing you everywhere. I did like that pic of her cuddling those Grammys though, it was cute. She should have thrown one at Chris Brown.
Whitney. Is she British now? No? Move along, then.
Florence and the Machine. I never realised the 'machine' was imaginary, I just thought she kept them well hidden, like behind a curtain or something. Can I get away with the dialysis machine joke again? It's not even my joke. Her face looks like it is hanging off, she's got worse jowls than Karl Lagerfield (tm. Alan Carr). Her voice is like a thousand bottles being thrown into a skip and then fed through a mincer. I saw someone accidentally fall into a woodchipping machine on 1000 ways to die, and then spray his workmate with his bloody little human bone chips instead of woodchips. Florence could do the soundtrack to that sort of horror with her eyes closed.
Mentions of Adele so far. 2. Best female solo artist. Kate Bush?! WTF. Anyone but Jessie J. Anyone but Jessie J. Oh, it's Adele. What a surprise. She looks quite lithe. She talks like the proper London girls I know. I like that London accent, it's very genuine.
Talking of lithe, I thought I read James Corden had lost weight? Maybe they just meant that little goblin he used to hang around with.
Good reading off a card, Jack Whitehall. Who the fuck is Aloe Blacc? Sounds like something your mum sends you to buy down Holland and Barrett. Ryan Adams, that's a bit of a curveball. Jessie J just did a 'brrappppp'. You could get chucked out of the Big Brother house for less than that.
I don't get the Bruno Mars thing. He looks like a little dweeb and his music is tragic. He hasn't even got the mooooooooooooooooooooooo-oooooooooooooooves like Jagger.
That guy walking in front of James Corden provided the biggest laugh of the night so far. Next time, try hiring a comedian.
OLLY MURS. Fucking hell. Forget the crab pinching his feet, that's the sound of a barrel being scraped, reggae-style. When will Olly bring out his range of cooking sauces? More to the point, when will Levi Roots release a single?
I didn't think we were this hard up for talent. Where's Jedward when you need them?
My boyfriend just said 'this is a good song.' about Olly Murs. He's either being deeply ironic or he's gone fucking nuts. My Sky Plus box just skipped-skipped-skipped 2 and a half minutes of that.
Is James Corden still going 'shabba'? I called him out on that dated bollocks last year.
This conversation between Cordy and Jessie J is super-stilted. Seriously, I can't STAND Jessie J. I think that The Voice UK is going to be completely unwatchable, which is a shame as the US version is AMAZING. Tom Jones is even more disgusting than Keith Lemon. Will.i.am (or Mr Adams, as the Daily Mail calls him) is beyond parody. The guy from The Script might be our only hope. At least I don't hate him already.
Now my boyfriend is going 'this is your sort of thing' about some ginger hobbit thing. This is about as far away from 'my sort of thing' as child molesting.
Tinie Tempah (if indeed that's how you spell it). So many clothes he keeps some at his aunt's house. The end.
What did One Direction just win? Most patronising lyrics? My boyfriend said that song should be renamed 'From Paedos to a Child.' I don't know what he's trying to say. Why are they dressed like snooker players? Looks like Gary Barlow has dressed them.
I'm not even going to comment on Jensen Button. Let's look at these wonderful international female role models. Rhianna. Beyonce. Feist (I know who that is, but 99.8% of that audience don't). Gargoyle.
Is Jessie J sitting with Danny Wallace? Rhianna is thick as pig-shit. I am constantly disappointed by that woman. I've tried so hard to make allowances for her, and not be a victim-blaming dickhead, but there's no getting around it. She's just a dimlo.
My boyfriend just said, 'who is this Ed Sheeran? I don't want his name ever mentioned in this house ever again.' Fair comment.
Noel Gallagher. I'm only interested if he's doing a bolshy interview. Otherwise, he can get off the stage. Oh God, Chris Martin is tinkling the ivories. I need Apple's baby headphones like at that rubbish Live Aid to block out the din (dins).
James Corden: 'tonight is the night that celebrates the best of the musical talent.' But sadly they couldn't make it.
Winehouse tribute. Well, at least she's British. And she's got that London girl accent. I'm surprised Mitch didn't come on and cover one of her tunes 'out of respect'.
Oh, there's Graham from Coronation Street. Also dressed by Gary Barlow. Liked his joke about putting on weight. It's not like Tina has upgraded by going for Tommy Duckworth.
What's Ed Sheeran winning? Worst haircut? Didn't lose his virginity until he was famous award? Most likely to be found in the shade on holiday?
Best British Group. Huey from Fun Loving Criminals is presenting this award. They've got all the top stars, haven't they? Wasn't he on 'It's me or the dog' a couple of years back? It was something like that. I saw Martin Rossiter on a home improvement show once, too. I'm hoping to see Brian Molko on the celebrity version of Pointless soon.
Elbow, lol. I liked it when Jason Grimshaw was singing Elbow songs in Corrie the other day. Jason Grimshaw would never like Elbow. He'd like David Guetta or something. Just to clarify, I hate Elbow. Just to clarify, I hate everything.
One of Coldplay is chewing gum. I hope his mum is watching the TV and poking herself in the eye with a knitting needle.
I actually laughed at Cordy's PJ Harvey and Duncan joke. The shame.
Does Adele just have that one dress? She's like Bart Simpson. I like Adele's personality and her attitude. I just don't like her music. I think she's cute, though. Her voice sounds a bit off today.
LOL Brian May. He's everywhere these days. His hair looks like a tired cobweb. Are Jay Z and Kanye West 'an international group'? How about The Killers? Foo Fighters. Fuck off. Dave Grohl can't even be arsed to do the thank you video. Courtney was right about him.
If you like this Bruno Mars dude, go get your hearing and your eyesight checked out, and then come back and apologise to all of us one by one.
There's not even been a medley tonight. Not even a fucking medley. Cunts!
Lana Del Rey is the first thing I've liked. And I only like two of hers. I think her voice is good, but over a whole album it was a bit annoying. I hope she sings, though. I like the one that goes 'I'm scared you won't be waiting on the other side', it's quite nice.
I hope that disgusting thug isn't there with Rhianna. I heard we didn't let him in the country last time, but I'm sure we'll forgive him and give him an ickle cuddle sooner or later. As if we don't have enough scumbags of our own we could deport. I think Rhianna is so off her head, she doesn't know what day of the week it is. Either that or she's just immature. But I hope she doesn't look back one day and realise that she had the platform of a lifetime and she used it to boast about smoking spliffs and not to save young girl's lives. That's quite a regret and not one I'd like to face in the mirror one day.
Ray Winstone. Not as good as Danny Dyer. But then, what is? Why isn't Phil Daniels presenting this award? Is it cos he died in that cut-and-shut on Eastenders?
So Blur are winning Lifetime Achievement Award. I got the Pointless answer for Blur Top 40 singles on Pointless the other day, Out of Time. I really like Out of Time. I also like The Universal. And Girls and Boys. And To The End. I think that's about it. I saw Superhands in a film the other night (Malice in Wonderland starring Danny Dyer, better than it sounds) and now Damon reminds me of Superhands. I hate Damon Albarn, obviously. Tender is the worst. Stop pacing around. Let Alex James thank cheese, FFS. Without cheese he's NOTHING. NOTHING!
Wrap it up, Damon, FFS. WTF he didn't even let Alex speak. What about the milk cartons? What about Graham Coxon? What about that ginger one? I bet they'll do a medley. Don't let us down, boys/ middle-aged men.
LOL George Michael just showed up, after we misquoted him earlier. Insert Snappy Snaps-outside toilet-smoking spliff joke here. I like George Michael. Not his music, obviously, but I like his devil-may-care attitude. He doesn't seem to give a shit. And I like Freedom by Wham. And Last Christmas, obv.
He's drunk! Is Adele sitting with Ricky Butcher? Well, why not? I could see Adele in Eastenders, giving Bianca a slap. If I still watched it, that is. James Corden just cut Adele's speech short because we've got to hear Girls and Boys. Girls and Boys takes me slap-bang back to the indie disco and being 14 again. I was a teenager for the best era of music ever - grunge (Hole, Smashing Pumpkins) and Britpop (Pulp, Gene etc). To follow that by falling in love with Morrissey and Bright Eyes just seems greedy. No wonder children today have no soul, look what we're feeding them. What do you fucking expect? I'd rather smash a window and nick an iPad than listen to fucking Olly Murs as well.
Holly Willoughby and Louis Spence's dancing was rather amazing. Do you think Graham Coxon is ashamed? Do you think Alex James is plotting his next country fete? Do you think Damon Albarn would rather be collaborating with some African steel band group or an irritating hologram?
Dave Rowntree looks like middle-age has caught up with him faster than the others. If I never hear Song 2 or Beetlebum again it will be too soon. But not as soon as if I ever hear Stuck in the Middle with You again. And yes, I do know that wasn't them.
Parklife just turned up. I wonder how much he gets every time they unearth him to shout over this song. I hope Denise Fox isn't watching telly right now, she'll get a shock. Keep it quiet from Phil Mitchell, too. And Ben.
Graham Coxon looks like he's been taking fashion tips from Jarvis Cocker and the dragged-through-a-hedge-backwards boutique.
I haven't even got a pithy final line. So I'll leave you with this. At least the appalling Jessie J didn't win anything. Maybe by this time next year she'll be a dim and distant memory. We can only hope. Break a leg.