Roll up roll up for series 2 of The Voice! Remember how last year it created international superstar Leanne Mitchell, who's highly relevant cover of Whitney Houston's Run to You went to number 45? Bit embarrassing, isn't it? I notice how they're trying to smear her name by saying that she didn't want to do publicity. As if. I personally hold Tom Jones personally responsible. He doesn't know his arse from his elbow. The fact they haven't got some new judges in is unforgivable - not one of them has an ounce of charisma or talent between them.
Will.i.am: the world is watching. I doubt it, iPlayer only works in the UK and no one would bother to pirate it. My boyfriend is already ranting after agreeing to watch it.
It's an insult that they are going on about how brilliant the judges are, when the contestants amount to nothing. I don't know how they have the gall.
Reggie: 'the judges have over a hundred years experience to share.' And 90 of those are Tom Jones's.
I had to forwards though the four of them performing because I'm trying to get drunk and don't want to be violently ill.
Where's Jessie J's shaved head? This shit isn't even live. Jessie J has got Grotbags nails. I will admit her shaved head looked pretty good.
This first contestant has even shorter legs than me and he's from the VALLEYS. They should make all the contestants fat and ugly. He's also got a scunt on. My boyfriend just said, 'Rick Waller.'
Why are we getting subtitles? This is hammier than usual. Are their mics broken? I miss Adam Levine on the US version and I never thought I'd say that. I definitely miss Cee Lo and Christina.
Tom and this Ash guy are talking solely about Welsh things. I'm surprised he hasn't mentioned Kelly Jones or Catatonia yet. These judges make insincerity look like an artform.
Did Jessie J just say 'there's a difference between singing and sanging?' Yeah, a tense. She thinks she's Nicole Scherzinger now. Will.i.am has not offered to make this guy a star in Malaysia, Singapore or the Czech Republic.
If you had to spend a day with one of the judges, which one would you pick? I think I'd have to go for Will.i.am but then I'd have to hear about him going on about UFOs. I get enough of that at home.
The second contestant Danny looks like he's dressed out of the lost property box at school. He's got the cold dead eyes of a killer. He's singing the dreariest song I've ever heard.
Will.i.am's not wearing his little Lego costumes tonight. Jessie's got loads of producers phone numbers: shame she didn't pass one to Leanne Mitchell.
Oh there's Reggie. How much does he get paid for doing nothing?
Tom Jones looks a leathery old scrotum. He makes me want to renounce humanity. Is this how they've revamped the show, by cutting in fake arguments and bits of them mucking about?
The next contestant has dip dye hair. Is that still in? I can't talk, just dyed mine pastel pink two years after slagging off the stylist who forced Amelia Lily to do it. She's cute so I'm guessing she can't sing as that seems to be the rule. Oh, she's also orange and looks like she's dressed off the market.
Is there a rule they have to sing the most boring songs humanly possible? It makes you pine for Rylan doing Gangnam Style and facing off with GB.
Jessie J seems to have ants in her pants tonight. She just did a massive sniff so we're assuming she's coked off her head, because she's acting nutso. Jessie J has all the eloquence of Arg of Towie. Danny O' Ditchwater is looking genuinely concerned about her. Jessie, please stop doing that fake America accent. I WISH Dizzie Rascal was a judge on this show, he was really good on Must be the Music. He was 10 times better than all of this lot put together.
This next contestant loves Elton John. My boyfriend is getting really mad. He says the BBC can't do reality show and has denounced Fame Academy. But I loved Fame Academy, and Ainslie and Lemar. This show makes Fame Academy look like Breaking Bad.
The next contestant is blind. She's got the Christopher Maloney shakes. Aw, she didn't know if anyone turned round. Danny told her he did, but not Tom! Pick Danny, Tom doesn't give a shit about his contestants.
God, this show does suck. Even I'm losing steam with it. I've got The Walking Dead and three episodes of Big Brother Canada to watch, heeeeeeey!
Danny: 'there's only one thing that doesn't lie and that's the hairs on my arms.' Is that a chat up line? I'm imagining them whispering to him now: 'what are you wearing?'
Ooh this next one's from Northampton, my home turf. She's got pink hair too, it's obviously a theme. She doesn't sound like she's from Northampton. She can't sing, but she has got boots on. She was off key, I'm afraid. Back to the shoe museum it is.
Jessie stop going on about being a FEMALE, we know you're a FEMALE. I hate advice like 'work on your breathing.' I love it when singers run out of breath or you can hear them catch their breath or they hit a bum note. Imperfection is amazing, if it's real, if you can sing anyway, or if your voice has enough character.
Danny is bragging he's been on Letterman and Ellen. LOL.
These filler bits are awful. Ooh is this next guy a rapper? Sweet! Bad white rappers are brilliant. Oh they don't normally do humiliating ones on this show, do they? Maybe they're making an exception. Do people still shave a bit into their eyebrow like that? I thought (hoped) that died with Vanilla Ice.
Oh what, they set it up for him to rap and he came on and sang some duff country song. SWIZZ!
Danny: 'country singers are very rare.' Have you seen X Factor US or American Idol lately? They're full to the fucking brim with those cunts! We don't need that shit over here, thanks. It's bad enough when Bright Eyes ruins a good song with that sound.
Oh Will.i.am, shut your face. Jessie J: 'the greatest vocal acrobats the world has ever seen'? Well, compared to Fergie, maybe. I personally find her voice like nails down a blackboard, but with with the added 'uh!' thrown in for no reason. There's more padding in this show than in Olly Murs's pants.
The next contestant has the dying nan card in her back pocket. That card has been played tooooooo many times! Nans die, that's the whole point of them. If you die before your nan, something's not right with the world. This girl sings like 'why use one syllable when you can use 25?' She sounds like she's trying to escape being strangled. Cute, though. Danny's eyeing up his next girlfriend. There should be laws against that since Jimmy Savile-gate.
LOL next up is Kavanagh! He shouldn't get a second shot at success. I do remember that song. He's like a singing Sean Maguire. Something looks like it's happened to his face. Why is he doing this song??? It makes me want to shoot myself. His voice sounds reedy. No one turned round because he was crap. Soz. Is someone going to pretend to recognise him? Aw, Danny's been given the job of pretending to remember who he is. Transparent and contrived. Kavanagh, you've had your fifteen minutes. Fuck off.
I'm dreaming this is over. So's Jessie J, waiting for her next fix. This last guy is obviously meant to be the one we've all been waiting for. And it would be, if he's turned up to a Will.i.am lookalike competition. Well, it's a no from me. And it's not like I'm watching Saturday Night Takeaway either. It's all trite rubbish for the masses. Now, I'm going to watch my zombie drama and international Big Brother. Cos I'm highbrow! Happy Easter.