I'm going to do a live blog of this, anything to keep me from proper writing. See how far I get before I start tying my shoelaces to the curtain rail.
Oh my God. I just remembered those homophobic CUNTS are presenting it. *turns over*
No, no, no. I've got to give it 15 minutes at least.
Fuck me, is that Bono? Is he parading in front of the Union Jack? When Morrissey did that he was banished from Britain for years on end. Oh and there's the lyrics. I'd sing along if it wasn't such SHIT. Fuck off Bonio, we've got Chris Martin now, we don't need you anymore. God is he STILL persevering with that whole coloured glasses schtick? I will only be satisfied with this performance if it's a medley that finishes with 'Lemon!' Haha, medleys. Good old medleys. JUST FUCK OFF BONO!
Oh, there's Kylie. I preferred her when he eyebrows weren't stapled to her scalp. She looks like she's had a stroke, or stood too close to the fire. Oh and there's those homophobic, unfunny cunts doing something unfunny. Urgh. They have less chemistry with Kylie than current-day Jason 'dreamboats and petticoats' Donovan.
Oh God, Simon Pegg presenting Best British Female. I hate Simon Pegg. He used to be good, but I think he ate too many smug pills in LA. Gross. I haven't even heard of some of these nominations. Mine would be Emmy the Great. She's delightful. Oh, Duffy won. Duffy reminds me of some stuffed toy, or puppet, she's naturally pretty, but she's dead behind the eyes. She's an impassionate robot even when she sings. That song bores me rigid too.
International female artist. Mine's Courtney Love, and I suspect she won't be up there. Oh fuck, please don't let it be Katie Perry. Please don't let it be Katie Perry. Please don't let it be Katie Perry. OH. She makes Avril Lavigne look alternative. She makes Fall Out Boy look like Bright Eyes.
Now I'm relieved to see Girls Aloud. Something aint right when you write that sentence. Why is that song so fucking catchy??? Argh! I like Kimberley if you're interested. Are they naked? No. And if they were, you still wouldn't get to see it. Ooh, they look nice in those leotards. At least they are real, not like all that Estelle rubbish. God, Sarah Harding's voice sounds horrible. But Nicola can sing. And as long as the Irish one doesn't speak, I'm happy.
Alex James! Cheese! It's not funny when they do it. Grrr! Saying 'without further ado' IS further ado, Alex James. He was introducing Best British Breakthrough Act. That's a tongue twister. Who won? Don't pretend you care. It was Duffy. She's writes her own joke with that name.
Thin homophobic cunt now has a quiff. Fat homophobic cunt says 'scream until your nipples bleed.' Eh? Why isn't Russell doing this gig? Why are they just perving over Kylie? These two are interminable. They make Michael Mackintyre look funny (and yes I did have to look up his name, he's just known as 'oh that unfunny twat's on TV again' round these parts.
Coldplay. Aww, the butterflies. Still, I feel strangely unmoved.
Natalie Imbruglia has wisely gone brunette again. She's giving out the award for best international group. THE KILLERS, surely? Oh those beardy blokes got it instead and thanked GOD. How inappropriate! This is an athiest kingdom! It shoulda been Brandon! He OWNS this year.
Oh my God, Jamie Cullum & Jamie Oliver! If you HAD to sleep with one??? ARGHHHHHHHH! Forget I said that. Best British Male Solo artist. MORRISSEY! Hmm, maybe not, hey. Maybe next year. Oh. I couldn't see him accepting the award from the chick-gasser anyhow. Paul Weller won. Unfortunately the award wasn't 'most ridiculous fringe.' or it would have been spot on.
Homophobic cunt one: 'Here is a performance so exciting, it will make you want to put your fist in your mum's mouth.' Is this a joke? Is this meant to be funny? I mean it was followed by Duffy, but still, give us a fucking leg up, you useless wanker.
Have I mentioned I hate Fearne Cotton? When I watch telly at my mums she's always like 'you hate everyone' so for the sake of parity, I like Holly Willoughby. Ta.
Homophobic fat cunt makes joke about being fat. Someone I don't know introduces Best Album. Why are AC-DC up for so much stuff? Did I miss something? THE KILLERS, THE KILLERS, THE KILLERS! My global position systems are vocally addressed! Oh fucking hell, it's the Kings of Leon again. Who they gonna thank now, the baby Jesus? They might as well thank the fucking tooth fairy, the beardy freaks.
Take That are in a spaceship. Is Robbie Williams going to show up? Are they taking the piss out of Robbie? I hope so! I wish BRANDON FLOWERS would turn up in his little outfit doing his robot dance. Now THAT would be good. Can you imagine BEING an ADULT Take That fan? You might as well just book yourself in for the lobotomy now. They all have glasses on. Brainy! Gary Barlow was my fave, in the bleach/bondage/ jelly era. Don't tell anyone.
Nick Frost looks rough. And he never exactly looked handsome. Non-funny joke, but that appears to be compulsory. Best Live Act. Moz, of course. Oh, it's... Iron Maiden. Yes, I did just say that. Bruce Dickinson talks like an accountant.
The Hoff. Best British Group. Elbow. Elbow! Better than Coldplay or Girls Aloud? Ich don't think so. Chris Martin looked sick! I liked it when they asked a recovering alcoholic to come for a drink, though.
Kings of Leon play live. I don't mind this one. Who doesn't? It's nice enough. It has that Coldplay-esque backing vocal. It's the acceptable face of rock for chavs. But it just don't turn me on, baby.
Making jokes about Craig David. That was funny about five years ago. Florence (and the machine) has lovely hair. Best international male. Neil Diamond is a nominee. (Can you tell I've got the shoelaces out? Just tying them...) Kanye West won. Nice veneers. Subtle.
Oh and a glorious duet from the Ting Tings and Estelle. Their songs mesh together as happily as Rhianna and Chris Brown en route to the Grammys. MEDLEY!
Cunt 1 described Alan Carr as 'slightly camp'. Why didn't they get Alan to present this show? Alan rocks! Best British single. How quaint. Girls Aloud! Glad they won something. At least they're likeable. Sarah Harding: 'it's about time!' It's not like you wrote it, is it, love?
Tom Jones (sadly not my friend called Tom Jones, who is much more palatable) presenting Album of the Year with his new Mr Whippy hair. Time to go less orange, TJ. Duffy won it. There was a tear in her android eye. It was probably just a leaky battery.
OMG BRANDON!!! I wasn't expecting that. Are they singing? *squeal* Why are his ears sticking out? Wow he mentioned Louder than Bombs! That was a boring speech though. Oh my God, he chose Pet Shop Boys over The Smiths! Bet he wouldn't tell Mozzy that, if indeed it's true. He looked a bit boss eyed, was he plastered? Put your little spacesuit on, Brandon! I love you! I'll give you some bang for your buck. (Apologies, I'm getting hysterical)
Seriously, who really gives two shits about the Pet Shop Boys? Can you name one person who likes them? Erasure are better. MEDLEY. Why is Brandon THERE yet not playing? This is criminal!
Oh fuck me, Lady Gaga just rolled up. Seriously; if she's 22, I'm 12. Thank god she fucked off before Brandon came on stage. He wasn't on for long enough though. What a waste. It's like having Morrissey there and getting him to do a little dance behind Jay Z or something.
Oh my God, then Brandon did sing with Lady Gaga for a second! URGH! I'm fucking furious now! I sit through that fucking shit-fest and then that happens!