The Brits 2014

Evening! I'm continuing a seven year tradition of sitting through something I hate just to slag it off - actually, that's my entire social life. James Corden is doing the same thing I see; trouble is, both he and I are running out of jokes for this fucking sorry mess - and at least that fat cunt's getting paid for it. The pressure's on as I read last year's blog today and there were at least four or five funny jokes in it. Shit. Have I lost my touch? Has James? Take my hand. Let's see what's what. Maybe they'll surprise us all and put on a glorious spectacle, a feast for the eyes and ears, a magical evening of wonder? Come on! I know it's gonna happen someday.
OK, back to reality. I have a drink here. I am watching half an hour behind. So I'm starting off in a good mood. Then I see James Corden and wonder, why have they booked him the past three or four years in a row? I have fresh beef with Corden this year, which is actually my own fault, but for some reason I decided to listen to his Desert Island Discs at some point last year - to laugh at his taste in music, I suppose. Imagine my abject horror (and I was trying to go to sleep at the time) when one of the songs he chooses is Bright Eyes! I was wide awake (it's morning) for the next three hours (there was a joke there, but only Bright Eyes fans like me AND JAMES *grits teeth* will get it.) True enough it was First Day of my Life, the dullest Bright Eyes song you could ever choose. Why not a Poetic Retelling of an Unfortunate Seduction, James? Why not that? But still. The thought me and the Michelin man are both chirruping along in our cars to hackneyed lyrics like 'I'd rather be working for a pay check than waiting to win the lottery...' was enough to turn me cold and give me a good bout of insomnia. So yeah, I got beef. I got previous. You could say I brought it on myself. But I didn't KNOW. I thought my tastes were so goddamn counter culture (Placebo and Morrissey are still cool, right?) that James Corden would NOT KNOW. But he did know. And now I am the same as him. We are fans together.
But at least I'm not taking the dirty money of The Brits. How can a publically-declared Bright Eyes fan stand there in front of 1D and Ellie Goulding and pretend to look cheerful? I see you, James! I know your game. I see you. *taps head, Limmy-style*
Anyway. I'm lying because I haven't even seen James Corden yet. I can see dude from Arctic Monkeys though. I know they're meant to be good and everything but I could never get behind them. Too much hype and NME hype at that. I feel like the singer takes himself too seriously, and look at them all in 'uniform'. It's like Coldplay. But let's face it, this tuneless dirge is probably the high point of the night. I thought it was The Killers at first. No such luck.
Oh James Corden is on fire. *insert joke here* Oh he is looking fat again. I thought he'd gone skinnier. He looks like he's got fake tan on. I put my fingers in my ears when he said what was coming up because if I knew, I would smash my TV to pieces with a hammer.
The Brit Awards statue looks like motorised saw. Saws. Fire. We could have a dead James Corden on our hands yet, as long as health and safety procedures have been sloppily applied. Here's hoping.
Can I fast forward yet? No. Wait for the adverts.
Who the fuck are Third Eye Girl? I thought Third Eye Blind were bad enough. Aw, there's little Prince. What's his deal? James Corden is making me cringe, interrupting Prince. Who does he think he is? Hold on, I hate Prince. Ok, the nominees are for British Female Solo Artist. I won't bore you with the nominees but this year instead of Emile Sande we get Laura Mvula. Only one black person at a time, for God's sake. Don't want to scare people. No need to worry, as public schoolgirl Ellie Goulding won. Who votes for this shit? She has got the most enormous face. She should be on the side of Mount Rushmore. I kind of gave up insulting people's looks a bit, as people can't help how they're born and all that, plus I'm getting fatter and older, but for tonight I'll MAKE AN EXCEPTION because I'm having to suffer through this bullshit. Buyer beware!
Fucking hell man, who is writing James's jokes?! 'Going to the toilet in pairs'?! Is that the best he can do? He's worse than last year, I swear.
Hold up, Katy Perry's just turned up, don't tell Andrew Sachs, he'll probably call the Daily Mail complaining about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Oh it's one of her songs with no tune. Oh, wait, there's a dancey bit. Bring out the washing machine. Don't make her hit a high note, though FFS. She's got a pyramid on the stage *cough* Illuminati. I think I'd be 'going to the toilet in pairs' ie. snorting coke with my fingers in my ears (is that physically possible?) whilst this shit is on, too.
I actually feel a bit sorry for Corden at this point. His jokes are so bad they aren't even arousing anger, just pity. I mean this blog is bad, but making jokes about wearing the same outfit as Katy Perry? Oh, Lord.
Kylie and Pharrel have turned up, having a smug off. Best international male artist. Surely Pharrel himself is in the running, genius that he is? I can't spell his name. I'm not looking it up. Fuck him and Daft Punk. Eminem's in the running. I'm guessing he hasn't shown up, so he's not going to win it. Ah, it's Bruno 'I'd catch a grenade for you' Mars. Apparently he likes tweeting about The Jeremy Kyle show. I'm following someone on Twitter called Semtex who also likes tweeting about The Jeremy Kyle show. I'll find one of his tweets for you, as it's more entertaining than listening to this 'speech', ah, here we go: 'Why give this lumpy shitsplat the time of day? Nothing is going to be resolved here.' Kind of how I feel about The Brits.
I'll give that cunt Corden one thing, as least he can pronounce David Bowie right, which is more than my James who lives in this house can do. 
Oh, Tinie Tempah and Fearne 'Fame Skillz' Cotton have just turned up. The Daily Mail ran a full page article this week about how Prince William shouldn't have high fived Tinie at some event or other. I'm against high fiving myself, but they seem to think shooting boar is JUST FINE AND DANDY. Just don't make physical contact with the 'rappers'. They're introducing Best British Breakthrough Act. It's Bastille. Congratulations to Dan, Chris, someone and Woody. Yeah, well done you. You're the new Mumford and Sons. Hold on, the lead singer looks like Jack 'Shilpa's a cunt' Tweed. In fact the band seems to consist of Jack Tweed, Roddy Woomble, Nick Grimshaw and the singer from Elbow. Bastille bloke: 'this time last year I don't think anyone thought we would be here.' This time two minutes ago I didn't know who the fuck you were, even though I remember you being on the godforsaken Christmas TOTP, but am not admitting it.
I was just going to go and get another drink, but then I thought, no, I'm not wasting good (well, Glens) vodka on this shit, so I'm drinking a Diet Pepsi instead. How's that for rock n roll?
One Direction seem like they're having a blast. James Corden plugging Nectar points. This gets more anarchic by the minute. Have 1D been paid not to smile? The second ugliest one is wearing a Stone Roses t-shirt. I bet even Ian Brown can sing better than that joker.
James Corden just described Bruno Mars as 'the greatest showman performing anywhere in the world right now.' What about CONOR OBERST, James?!!! He's even looking up from his keyboard nowadays! You TRAITOR. I just fast forwarded through Bruno, so that's one ad break lost. Fuck. I'm gonna catch up, aren't I? This is like some sick race. I feel like Jesse/Aaron Paul (same thing) in Breaking Bad/Need for Speed, clutching my steering wheel and screaming. WHEN WILL IT END!!! Take me back to the meth lab!
I still don't know who Rudimental are, but some people I know went to their gig last week. They look like they're dressed entirely from Shop Jeen, which is no bad thing. I love Shop Jeen. 'If people are going to remember this record in 20 years...' Un-fucking-likely.
Oh god, did James Corden REALLY just make THAT joke (mixing up Lily Allen and her baby)? Even my blog wouldn't stoop so low (not true, I make those sorts of jokes all the time). Lily Allen looks skinny. I hope she hasn't been starving herself on Katie Hopkins account. Best British group. Two of the nominees were Disclosure and Rudimental, neither of which I'd heard of before last week. So Arctic Monkeys have won and are making a joke about One Direction. But are they really so different? It's all just pop pap. Props to the sparing us the 'list of names read out' though. At last, some mercy.
Who's this dude who looks like James Arthur with the dude from Arctic Monkey's quiff? Doesn't he get to make a speech?
I am not even commenting on this 'something for the fans' patronising bullshit because it's just designed to wind me up.
It must be nice to be the 'stunningly beautiful' Rosie Huntingdon-Whiteley (except for having to sleep with Jason Statham and all that). Funny how no man gets introduced as the 'super sexy... blah blah' isn't it? Sigh.
One Direction are winning the Global Success award. What's that when it's at home? Harry Styles isn't even bothering to go on stage. 1D are reading out a list of names, against Chief Arctic Monkey's specific instructions. Harry was in the loo. Is he sniffing? One is on crutches.
I think this might be the most boring Brit Awards ever, and I forwarded through Bruno Mars. I'm not even angry. I'm just cowed, like Corden. We're both too old for this game. We're like old war horses that need taking out the back and shooting.
Oh, lock up Tom and Jerry, top ranking lizard 'Mrs Carter' is gracing us with her heavenly presence. No human looks that attractive; she's definitely on the babies blood. She's a good advert for it, too. We are truly blessed to even have her on our TV screens; who could forget her back catalogue of killer lyrics like 'do you pay my automo-bills?' and referring to herself as 'it'. Bow down to Queen Beyonce, who isn't content with an outfit unless she endangers at least 15 species in the process. She probably ordered the killing of that poor fucking giraffe Marius just to make her next pair of baby booties.
To be fair to the horrible, beautiful Cruella De Ville Illuminati princess, this has been the best performance of the night, but then she hasn't exactly had much competition. It was probably in her contract that everyone else had to be crap. 
Did they write James's 'Beyonce - shit' line? GENIUS. Oh, James. Come with me, just come this way. I've got something to tell you. Beyonce wants you skinned and made into an ugly rug. Just stand against this wall and close your eyes.
Katy Perry is plugging her tour and giving out an award for best British single. One option is Olly Murs. I'm not even joking. Rudimental have won. I do know this song. I just don't like it. It's not even drum and bass, it's like drum and bass for old people who can't dance that fast. It should have been Olly! At least his heart skip, skip, skip, skips a beat.
Oh, piss off Arctic Monkeys, you've had your five minutes.
Performing together now, are Disclosure and Lorde. I don't know who these people are. Oh, just what we needed, another Florence. Brilliant. Nicola Roberts solo work is preferable to this. Dance music you can't dance to - it's the pits. Oh someone else has just come out who seems a bit more lively. Perhaps this is the Disclosure part. Disclosure makes me think of conspiracy theories. Oh, this is like some sub-rave, electro rubbish. It's better than Lordes, or whatever she's called, but only just. The 'disclosure' is, she's miming.
Bastille are dressed entirely in t-shirts from Topman. Has no one got one with an eagle and the number 69 on it? I'd rather cut my own fingers off than listen to this meaningless shit.
FUCK, James Corden just nicked my Nick Grimshaw joke. GREAT. We really ARE fucked together. I made it like, an hour ago, but no one knows because I'm blogging and not tweeting, like a modern person. The benefit of blogging of course, is I don't have to argue with people about my opinion, I just give it to you, and you can lump it. Everyone's a winner.
Nicole Scherzinger is nominating the best International Group. Finally, James, Bright Eyes are going to get the acknowledgement they deserve. Oh no, it's Daft Punk. I think that new Daft Punk album was possibly one of the worst albums I've ever heard in my life. And I used to have the second Bros album. Actually, that's a good album.
James Corden is mentioning Lassiters to Kylie. I mentioned Lassiters just this week. I think I am turning into James Corden. I'm the new Matt Horne.
Oh fuck, I just caught up. I'm now in 'live play'. I think I did quite well really. Maybe it will let me have a new go on Candy Crush now (I love jumping on a trend just as it dies a death). What sort of sick fuck of a game bans you from playing it for half an hour; and you LET IT? Mental.
This Disclosure prick just said 'everyone on blogs and websites were getting really excited about our album and we were just like, settle.' OK, I'm settled. Your album is horrible and your live set is crap. Is that better? Fuckwit.
Ellie Goulding is singing now. She's in her bra, but she's not sexy in any way, shape or form, even though she's pretty with a good body. I don't know why. She's like a robot. I don't think she has feelings. If she did, she would spare us this.
WTF why has Noel Gallagher just turned up? Are they paying him? He doesn't need the money. At least he had the good grace to call it 'shit'. Kate Moss has turned up to collect an award for David Bowie. JARETH. Don't speak again, Kate. Don't ever speak.
Ugh, the real Nick Grimshaw has just shown up and snogged James Corden. Emetophobics beware.
I've had to turn down the bit where James Corden is talking to Pharrell because it was making me cringe too much, then Keith Lemon popped up, so there's that.
Jimmy Carr just showed up. Another joke about drugs. Zzzzz. Doing drugs is a lot more fun that hearing jokes about them, that's for sure.
Video of the year, as voted by Twitter: One Direction. Great trolling, Twitter. Thumbs up.
I had to turn down that Nick Grimshaw/ Rudimental bit as it was so dreadful. But it did give some time to read through my blog and relive the whole fucking nightmare.
Running out of steam? Me? Never! Ok, album of the year. Emile Sande has shown up (presumably Laura Mvula has left). Arctic Monkeys have won. Maybe now they'll name everyone at their record label. The moment we've all been waiting for. One at the back looks embarrassed. This speech is worse than the record label one, really. Glass ceiling? I don't see too many women rockers onstage. Well, any. Since Courtney. The microphone has been dropped. Super. Is it over now?
I'm turning off this last bit. I've suffered enough. This is like a final punch in the face. Same time next year? See you there, James. It's just you and me, kiddo.