Friday, 25 December 2009

Top of the Pops Christmas special: There's a she-wolf in the closet

A Christmas special before I get drunk! My gift to you, mainly because nobody loves me and I'm spending Christmas alone in a bedsit (with the man I love!) Warning: I may break the profanity barrier with this one.
Stop telling me what's coming up! This is where Andi Peti went wrong with this show, no one in their right mind wants to know what's coming up, as they wouldn't watch another minute. Leave it mysterious!!!
I have never heard 95% of these songs. It's fun being out of touch with pop music! This has got a good beat (if only).
Alexandra Burke has nice hair.
Why is the bloke from One True Voice singing with Dizzeeeeeee Rascal? Is he keeping it real? Dizzee is a fucking sell out. This is truly music for munts.
The Saturdays. Well, by Friday life has killed me.
Muse have come dressed in the comedy style, something they've also been applying to their albums for a few years now. Plug in Baby, I miss you.
La Roux just have this one song, right? Her voice is so shrill! Weeeeeeee-eeeeeeeeeeeeee-eeeeeeeeeeee-eeeeeeeeeee. Shut up.
Sugababes. I've got diabetes.
JLS. I like JLS, they seem like well-brought up young men and their dancing is amusing. Aston Merrygold has a very festive name. This is one the mums can enjoy.
Florence and the (rage against the) Machine. She looks like she smells of lavender. Is she trying to out-shrill La Roux? Her lyrics make Dizzee Rascal look poetic. She looks like an old goth who's just crawled out of a coffin. Go crawl back in. (I do like one of hers, but it aint this one).
Diversity aint a pop group! This is diluting the brand. I do fancy that one though. No not THAT one, you sick fucker.
Have Kasabian got Johnny Marr on guitar? I wouldn't put it past the old tart. This is abominable. Nice comedy wigs though. Just putting 'fire' in the title doesn't make you Kings of Leon you know, and even they can take their beards and fuck off. Fearne, I need your music recommendations like I need to be locked in a room with Peaches Geldof giving me her home-spun philosophy on Pink Floyd and crop circles.
Seems like going 'ooooh' is pretty much order of the day. Apart from Shakira who went Aaowoooo! And mentioned lycanthropy and coffee machines. Her lyrics are truly a joy. When she's the best thing on a show about music, be afraid.
Robbie Williams was reading his 'lyrics' off an autocue. Wow, this song is really bad, I didn't realise he'd got this bad. 'Hysterical, historical...' fuck off. You look like a haggard fucking old lizardy talentless cunt. Die.
And for your Christmas number one, I bring you a song that was an embarrassment to all involved when I was 13 years old and is now an internet embarrassment sixteen years later. Is there a radio edit? Oh they cut off the end. Fearne sounded bitter about it! LOL. Mysteriously we couldn't 'sing along' to most of it as we had been allowed for the rest of the show. Motherfuckers.
No little Joe Mceldry? You have denied the grans that with their Christmas lunch? You heartless bastards. Now go get drunk whilst I have a little cry.

1 comment:

* (asterisk) said...

Robbie is so shit these days. And that Shakira song was dreadful, really.

I, too, noticed the lack of singalong bouncing ball for RATM. Conspiracy! I think there's a good chance it'll stay at #1 this week, though. On 7digital [dot] com, six of the top 10 downloads are RATM "KITN"...