The X Factor: First Live Show

Hands up who's sick of that Little Britain voiceover guy? He's on the adverts, he's on the quiz shows, he's probably even the fucking banker on Deal. Well, I'm sick of his schtick. He's more omnipotent than talk about the credit crunch. He's about as cutting edge as a night out with Duffy. So, perfect for the X Factor really.
So, let's get it out of the way early; I miss Sharon. I miss the unpredictability that she might punch someone. Cheryl and Dannii aren't going to punch each other, much as the producers would have us believe they want to. Cheryl is alright, don't get me wrong, but with her monotone accent and Dannii Minogue's mooing, it's like they are having a competition to see who sounds most like a geezer-bird. (I apologise for the use of the word bird, but it fitted with geezer nicely)
Dermot declared it 'a great honour' to go first; actually, it's normally first on, first out, so not so great. Here goes something:
GIRL BAND: Louis nodded furiously. They sounded flat and their dancing was stiff. The song had no high notes or low notes, lucky for them. They are quite ordinary, and the Quality-Street dresses were duff too. Why were the judges so kind?
AUSTIN (Allegro): Androgyny! I'm a boy and he's a girl and all that. Might look good in a dress? Did Sting which was unpleasant. Sang it OK but nothing to get excited about, despite his leather trousers. I kind of fancy him, and am kind of repulsed by him, so it's a weird mixture.
DANIEL: This years sob story (tm). He seems lovely but X factor? Non! Not with a name as catchy as Daniel Evans. Oh God, flat as the battery on my laptop (still dead!) Awful song. Styling. Dated. Dreadful. Haha Louis compared him to Ricky Gervais taking the piss! Meow! It's not 'sob story' Idol, Dannii. Next!
ALEXANDRA: Last week I wanted the little blonde Samanda lookalike in instead of Alexandra, but I have to say, she does have a good voice, the best so far, certainly. Sparkly! Diva! Pretty! But still a bit boring.
JLS: What does JLS stand for? I demand to know! Oh, they said. Jack the lad swing??? What the fuck? Are they dyslexic? I thought their voices sounded quite reedy tonight, but I thought they were alright in the auditions. Is it me, or do they all look quite... petite?
SCOTT: Just what the world needs, another Shane Ritchie! SWING! I can just about deal with schwing! when it was Leon Jackson dishing it out like a cut-price but still fuckable Josh Harnett. Shane Richie's love-child and I have to draw the line. SHIT! '110%'!!! Check! 110% was not enough in this case, peculiarly.
RACHEL: Oh dear. I know she's a cunt but even she didn't deserve being made into a cut-price Gabrielle. Her hair was nice before! Frowny, shrieky, shit outfit, dreadful dancing. Simon looked like I felt. Shame, as she has a fantastic voice, even if she looks like she will nut you if you look at her the wrong way. I wasn't buying her 'thank you, that's been taken on board' replies to the comments. It was like a robot giving you a kiss. Dannii fucked this one good and proper.
DIANA: My favourite by a country mile. There is actually something unusual about her; i.e. she does appear to have some star quality, or this mythical X Factor. Thank god she's ditched that frosty pink lipstick. Fuck, they gave her U2! And still she did it. She's great, fuck you Dannii saying she overdid the quirky. She IS quirky, i.e. not bland like you.
BAD LASHES: I think Bat for Lashes may have something to say about this band name, but I don't think she needs to worry quite yet. What are bad lashes anyway? Naughty lashes! Behave! Ooh Roxette! Power ballad city. They seem more sexy than Girl Band, a bit more rough around the edges, which I like. Cheryl called them 'spunky'. Simon rolled out the 'eating water' description again. He's used that one before, as Bad Lashes rightly (and impressively) pointed out just as I was writing it. Can we pull his string for a new metaphor?
EOGHAN: Try texting that in! Oh fucking hell, fucking IMAGINE! FUCK OFF IMAGINE! If I NEVER hear Imagine EVER AGAIN I will still wish John Lennon has been shot ten years before he wrote the fucking thing. I'd rather listen to the Frog Chorus. And yes, I have said that before. I've got Simon Cowell disease. I actually like Eoghan (or OWEN, if you're confused and reading this) though. He's good. Danni cracking onto him! Trying to steal Mrs. O's crown. Naughty!
RUTH: I just cannot, cannot, cannot bring myself to care. Ooh, Spanish. So what? AVERAGE! Ooh, Stars in Your Eyes ending, they havent had one of those for a while. PS. Ruth doesn't sound like a very Spanish name to me.
LAURA: Oh God, Alicia Keys. I want to punch Alicia Keys in the face. Her and Jack White could happily be sent to the fucking moon and left there if I had my way, the pair of vain, boring bastards. But anyway, this is about Laura. Despite Alicia, she has one of the best voices in the competition. Only Diana to beat for her.
Urgh, Dermot said 'cracking'! This is my number one pet hate of the moment.
Results show... mm, Leon flashback. He's the fittest midget ever! Drool! Mr Blister, who are you backing this year? There's no real Rhydian campness, is there?
I liked the fact they made the bottom two sing different songs as it's such a fast-forward fest when they sing the same song again. Ooh, deadlock. 'Citing.
Bad Lashes shouldn't have gone!!! I liked them. I liked the one with the big face, and I liked the one who had hair a bit like me. And I even liked their mild murdering of Wonderwall!
Well, it's certainly not like the British public to make the wrong choice is it? Much! Booo.

Big Brother 9: Male, Female, Cats, Dogs, Whatever

BB was kind of annoying tonight. Endless obsessing over minor details. And whilst the real romance in the house was over before it began (Rex and Steph) we have to put up with the dreary courtship of Jennifer and Dale. Rex's girlfriend obviously spent her friday night wisely, speed dialling the number to evict Steph. But it was a shame, as she brought out an interesting side to him, and let's face it, most of the housemates have barely one side between them.
And so we're left with Lisa and Mario. Mario's soundbites for tonight: 'we're very popular people', 'we;ve got a fanbase', 'Ant and Dec better have voted for me', what you see is what you get', 'it's the cat sat on the mat' (what?!) and my favourite, 'the legend continues.' Urgh! Just way too smug. I'm sorry I ever said he was alright. He's not. And Lisa's fixed smile is getting on my nerves. They are in danger of drowning that house, just like Carole, the most controlling mother figure on earth, did last year.
It was interesting that Sylvia sought to distance herself from Alex, but I couldn't work out of she came off looking sensible or two-faced. I'm reserving my judgement. I don't think Alex will be if she finds out though. Sylvia's matchmaking attempt was also pretty ham-fisted.
Jennifer got WAY too much air-time tonight. I can't stand her. She's completely stuck-up and sour, and those ratty hair extensions are just revolting. She's like the world owes her a favour, flouncing off when Dale said he fancied her. It was interesting that the world's most gormless PE teacher said Rex got on his nerves sometimes; he's clearly jealous of Rex's power in the house (and the fact he is an articulate man). Jennifer continued to suck the fun out of anything and everything, with her and Dale's late night chat making Romeo and Juliet look like a fairytale romance.
Just snog him or don't! No one actually gives a fuck except you, you boring old bitch. You're a bit of fanny that he wants to nail. That's about all there is to it, so I wouldn't bother over-thinking it too much. If you want something with a bit more substance, try Luke.

Big Brother 9: Stephanie Evicted

What is Davina wearing? It's rankazoid.
NB. On the live feed today I heard Dale say 'On the sly I fancy indie girls'. Indie girls; you have been warned.
Jennifer: 'When Alex argues, it's funny.' Really? I must have had my funny-bone removed. Jennifer and Dale, this years Ziggy and Chanelle, except more shallow, have less chemistry than Ken and Barbie, and they're also considerably thicker.
Why did Lisa say she was a housemaid? Weird! She sits around with a very smug look on her face at all times, it's kind of annoying. NOTHING phases her.
Dunno why they played the Ting Tings to a bunch of chavs as they obviously didn't know it. Dennis's dance routine made me cringe.
And so Steph got the boot. Typical British public, ditch the pretty girl. I think I would have preferred it to be Mario after all. I mean I'd rather watch Steph snog Dale/Rex than Mario and Lisa rutting. Blergh. And that was a bit of a swizz with Davina doing the result from the studio, so the house couldn't hear the 'get Alex out' chants. Why should Alex get special treatment? She's a twat! Boo.
Aw Steph looked well nice when she came out. Hasn't she got nice teeth? She is stupid though; Mario was JOKING in the diary room about loving her. I quite liked the new studio.
So there's been a rumour on on digital spy that Mario and Lisa aren't a real couple either? And Davina did seem to be labouring on that point tonight a bit? Watch this space. Well, not this one. But the one on your telly.
But all in all... a pretty boring eviction. Bring on Alex. Bring on the baying for blood. Remember I told you!

Big Brother 9: Damaged Goods

Many years ago my best mate and me texted the big brother live feed thing saying the should give the housemates electric shocks in their beds to wake them up when we were bored in the early hours. Today that dream came true!
It was BRILLIANT watching the BB contestants getting zapped (seemingly up the arse) for the task. Are Big Brother actually allowed to electrocute them? Is there a health and safety issue there? Oh who cares, it was hilarious. And how funny that Alex was the first to crack. Remember I told you. Pathetic. Loving Rex. 'Rex is a bully and dictatorish...' Alex is projecting bigger than the fucking IMax screen.
If I was trying to do that task and everyone was sticking their oar in I'd have freaked. No wonder they lost. Too many cooks! I would deffo have shocked them one more time for luck at the end. Morons!
Dale punching the bed... aggressive. Kick him out. I can't stand aggressive men. It's intimidating. He's only aggressive because he's utterly inarticulate. Poor Dale can't stuff his face. Boo hoo.
There's such a bad atmosphere in the house at the mo, it's a bit depressing. I want a bit of fun and silliness, and a bit of romance, like real romance, not that fake shit between Dale and Cheryl Tweenie. All the regional accents are really grating too. (racist!)
Dennis crying in the ashtray whilst Alex barked like a dog must have been a great comfort to him.
Sylvia and Luke reminiscing about food was a moment of lightness. But it was literally one moment.
Alex: please grow up. Someone using your cigarette lighter is not a violation. We can see you're hurting but you can't heal yourself by ripping up everyone else.

Big Brother 9: Cookiegasm

Cookiegasms are gross. Is there crack in those cookies? Kat is uber-annoying. BUT I too like those big, squidgy cookies. Yum. But really, Kat you've had enough cookies.
The editing was poor tonight! I couldn't work out how half the arguments started. They got through the meeting unscathed though which I was surprised at. It made me laugh when Mario was talking about trip hazards. The expression 'trip hazard' pretty much makes my day. He pulled out the old Mikey card again, too! He's shameless.
Now I want to discuss the rules being broken. On launch night Davina clearly said smokers could only smoke in the designated smoking area with their feet inside the ashtray. I have seen them smoking with their feet OUTSIDE the ashtray, and I've witnessed Rex walking off smoking! When are they going to be jailed? BAD Big Brother. Jail them!
Actually, don't jail Rex cos he actually stood up to Alex and called her a hypocrite.
I didn't like that row between Darnell and Jennifer, despite not knowing how it started. I don't like either of them and I especially didn't like him punching the air as if he was going to punch her, there was something threatening about that which made me feel quite uncomfortable.
Dennis: idiot. Mario: idiot. Moaning about two girls in their underwear is a bit rich when he's lying there in his underpants. Dick.
Jennifer- no self worth. She shouldn't be ashamed of that body: she's got a good figure. No one should make her feel bad about it. But how weird that Alex was suddenly kind and sympathetic? I didn't like that! I want my villains black and white please. The grey areas are unsettling.

Big Brother 9: Ever-Ready

'You'll never be ready.'
And after knickergate came chipgate. When is Alexandra going to be thrown into the BB prison (or better still thrown out on her ear)? The rage inside me as she ranted on and on- I haven't felt this way since Jade/Charley. I've never seen anything so offensive in my life. I don't know what annoys me more: the fact BB do bugger all about it, or the fact no one dared stand up to her. The men in particular proved themselves to be pathetic, swineless spines and should be ashamed of themselves. This is the face of the kind of person who would look the other way as you got stabbed on the tube. We have a house full of people like that. Alex is the classic school bully and a complete and utter CUNT and one day I hope she learns to read and reads this. I don't care if it's twenty years from now, you'll still be a fucking stupid, boorish, ignorant, ugly, nasty, pathetic piece of shit. The world would genuinely be a better place without you.
So at least we should give Steph a bit of credit for trying, even if she did get called 'thick' and 'simple' for her troubles. Can you imagine if someone called Alex that? Please, just imagine for a minute. The irony is, all they need to to is do it. All they need to do it tell her to go fuck herself and she's lamp them and then be removed. Problem solved.
Other observations: Mario and Lisa (dressed as a stick of rock) in the diary room- gross. What an exhibition. All that was missing was the tripod. Sylvia: has been utterly dragged down by Alex. There's one idiot limpet every year and she's decided it should be her. Shame. Dennis- vile. Dale and Jennifer's love affair: officially less sexy than watching paint dry, although he did manage one entire sentence today (he struggled a bit though). Darnell telling Mikey he wasn't a nice person just because he was blind- hehe.
There definitely aren't enough likeable people in the house... or in the absence of likable, funny would do. I'm almost hating everyone, even Luke. I like Rachel but dear God, please get a grip. All it would take is three of you to stick together and dethrone Alex from her cunt-stump.
i know it's gonna happen someday... but I wish it was sooner rather than later.

Big Brother 9: Disability Chic

Let's get one thing straight. The argument in the kitchen was not about Michael. The only person who dragged him into it was Mario, who is trying to be so PC he's coming off like Richard Madelely patronising a dwarf times a thousand. Mikey must be torn: it's obvious that he must dislike Mario, but Mario helps him around the place so he has to keep him onside. It was awful when he cried: it must be so confusing for him being in that house. It's bad enough when you can see the bloody thing.
And so the wedding, which like all weddings became boring after about ten seconds, but the discussions surrounding it seemed to go on for an eternity. I can't believe Alexandra actually objected; I'd also like to object to her disgusting forehead and face like a slapped arse.
I hope Steph goes: she made bugger all effort in the task. Lisa conducted herself with brilliant dignity, she genunely seemed bemused by it all and I loved it when she grabbed the bouquet. She IS a big girl though, isn't she? As is Rebecca, who had a Goody/Kinga moment in the garden, but it didn't have the shock value of either. The resident fat bird taking off her clothes is almost obligatory now.
On my boring list: Jennifer (so boring it took me ten seconds to remember her name), Mo, Dennis.
On my borderline boring list but might do something interesting: Darnell, Sylvia
On my shit list: Alexandra
On my 'these people are vaguely human' list: Mario, Lisa, Luke, Rex, Rachel
Mikey is a weird one; but his presence in the house does bring out interesting things in people (Rachel for example, is masterfully kind without being patronising), Rex I think I like but I've not seen enough of, and Dale? Is he trying to catch flies with that mouth? You can see his brain clicking into gear about forty years later than anyone else. God help them when they have to do a task, they'll spend a weekend explaining it to him. And for god's sake, don't let him write the shopping list; it'll read: Nuts magazeen, beer, sossiges... and that's before the adding up takes place. Thank God he's not being let loose on our unassuming children.
I think it was quite telling when they found out the results of the task and cheered that their fellow housemates were up for eviction: you don't normally get that on the UK BB, it's normally pussyfooting around and 'oh, it should have been me.'
So yeah, this lot are grasping, selfish bastards, basically. Hurrah!

Big Brother 9: Knickergate

Ok so the wedding twist was alright at first, but it just became all consuming, to the detriment of actually getting to know the housemates individually. I understand why BB wants to engineer storylines, but really the people are the storyline.
Kat- ANNOYING! How can she be one of the favourites? I swear she was putting it on a bit in the diary room.
Poor gormless Dale: You could almost see the birds twittering round his head when Sylvia was talking about escaping from the war. He was probably thinking 'Boobies!' That conversation was WAY over the head of the average Big Brother contestant; Alexandra for example, seemed to think having a sore throat was a human rights issue.
The hen party was horrific. What were they all screaming about? I was praying Rebecca wouldn't strip. Why does Michael shout all the time? I'd need earplugs in that house.
Knickergate was ridiculous: it was a stupid thing to do, but it's a pair of knickers for God's sake, they could only cost about a fiver max. Alexandra was unbelievably horrible: and she's got a daughter? She's a disgrace to humanity. I'm glad Mikey took down her name at the end. She is a piece of work, I think she's actually LESS charmless than last years rent-a-rude-girl Charley. Mikey should not be given special treatment because he's blind if he's being a wanker, but he wasn't really.
I was DESPERATE for someone to stand up for him at the end, but the sheep refused to bite. Rubbish!
Oh Alexandra... you're heading doorwardly ASAP. And not soon enough, you absolute cunt.

Big Brother 9: Stuck To Me Like a Leech

I'm liking Big Brother! Which is good, because normally the first week is quite annoying. I think the twist is really good, and is showing people's personalities up quite well. Mario, for example, seems like a decent, good-humoured guy (even if he does struggle to get the lid off his deodorant). Also, Lisa, who presumably was meant to behave like a deranged harpie has dealt with the whole situation with extremely good grace. In fact, the only person coming out of it badly is the idiotic Steph.
The proposal was brilliant. Lisa: 'I'm so shocked.' I bet! The way Steph and Mario argued in the diary room after it was like they were already a married couple. Steph was acting like a child, Mario dealt with her very well, I enjoyed him taking the mickey. It's not THAT hard to give him a peck on the lips and sleep on the other side of the bed to him. Engaged couples don't normally sleep separately. If they are put up for the chop, which they certainly should be, Steph should definitely go for being a sulky bitch, and basically blowing the story by going 'I don't like him that much.' She only has to lie til Sunday! Having said that, if they think they are actually getting married, and agreeing to it, they are grasping fools.
I was pleased the other housemates were onto them as it proves they do have a braincell between between them, at least. Surely the task is over now though?
Luke is my definite fave: how tiny did he look in that diary room chair? Why does Rebecca want masking tape? 'Maybe it's to put over her mouth.' Oh yes. Give that man a round of applause. You always need one contestant who's good for one liners.
I can't make my mind up on Michael: he's quite amusing, but his accent is proper annoying. Dale and Sylvia: getting cosy?
All in all, a good start to BB. Let's hope they keep it up.

Big Brother 9: Unhumane

I'm doing a blog as I go along! They are the most fun (for me!) but the worst written (no jokes whatsoever) so I apologise.
Complaint. Why do they have to make us watch so much of what happened yesterday. It's OK for watching some of the micro expressions you missed first time around but that's about it. Such as Luke looking pissed off when a gay man entered the house. And Lisa looking fucked off about Steph touching Mario.
It made me cringe so bad when everyone went 'awww' when Michael entered the house. It's kind of sad the way everyone patronised him, but also mildly lovely too, how they tried to work out how to respond to him. Give it a week and they'll be telling him to go fuck himself.
Sylvia interests me, she doesn't look like a Sylvia. She could be cool or evil. I ge a Makosi vibe from her (eek!) Alexandra is particularly annoying and has a horrible face. She's my most hated! Rachel I think could go far and is pretty. Quite liking Rex but lost respect for him when he showed off his glittery hood. I can't stand vain men. Rebecca might have 'corned beef legs' (Nikki Grahame said this on BBLB) bu at least she's not so anorexic she had to have a tube shoved down her throat and made herself infertile, which is presumably preferable in her warped world. Apart from that, Rebecca IS a fucking dick (and she likes The Enemy- zzzzz)
IT'S DARNELL! (and he is the whitest boy alive)
How suspicious is Steph?! I don't like her already. And I wanted to, I really did. Her bullshitting about Mario was quite impressive though. I think I quite like Mario in a way. He was taking care of Mikey loads and it seemed genuine. I don't know why everyone likes Kat so much, she's a bit annoying, but funny as well. But I could go either way on her. (How did she get lost in the Big Brother house? It's not exactly Labyrinth is it?)
Mohamed: 'Is Lisa a woman?' Hahahaha.
I wouldn't want to sleep with a snoring Mario either. Unless it was Super Mario. And even then, I'd rather do Toad. (as if, Toad is totally gay)

Big Brother 9: Launch Night

'We hate it when our friends become successful, and if they're Northern, it makes it even worse...' And thus, they stuffed the BB house full of Northerners, foreigners (daily mail alert!) and a couple of people with impediments for good measure. And then the crowd with racists and homophobes. Perfect!
So first things first. The house looked really good, I liked the luxury bedroom and the diary room chair. Davina was the same. And the twist (splitting up the couple and making Mario pretend he was dating Stephanie) was actually good, which was a start. So onto my rash snap judgements all of which are true for today and expire in about 24 hours.
Excuse the capitals, but there doesn't appear to be an option for bold on this wanky old Mac.
MARIO & LISA... Sleazy Sylvester Stallone with big ears. Boobs. Looked like a pair of doggers. I didn't really see the point of them until the twist came in. I thought for one scary moment they were going to put ALL couples in... that would have sucked.
LUKE... Bat ears. Booed back at the crowd which was a good sign. Extra brownie points for saying 'Am I the child?' when the twist was announced. My favourite.
STEPHANIE... generic wannabe WAG type, but I thought she didn't seem toooo bad. Felt a bit sorry for her when she got teamed up with the slimy Mario. And Lisa will obviously hate her, but it's not Stephanie's fault BB is a bitch. My guess at the twist was that they were going to make Luke and Stephanie pretend to be a couple, which I think may have made better TV to be honest.
RACHEL... admitting you're annoying does not mitigate you. She got on my nerves almost instantly. However, later on she was looking out for Michael so I warmed to her a little.
DALE... 'If there's any fanny in there, I'm going to nail it.' Clearly the feminist quote of the night. Redeemed himself slightly by saying 'I'm a PE teacher but I can't stand kids.' Amusing. Annoyingly good-looking, but clearly a twat with little legs and the only person to preen in front of the mirror as he went in. It was so obvious he was sent in there to be Ken to Steph's Barbie.
SYLVIA... Rude girl! Nice dress. Interesting face. Hard to judge but I'm suspecting she's going to fall into the bitchy harpie category.
DENNIS... and here we have your gay cliche for the night! Looked like a Who from Whoville. Pranced into the house to the sound of homophobic booing. Least likely to get along with Dale, I'd hazard a guess.
MICHAEL... welcome to your Pete Bennett style everyman with a heartbreaking affliction. Will he win because he's blind? Not unless he's cool. Mentioned Super Mario Kart, so he's already won my heart.
ALEXANDRA... another black girl with attitude, BB is obviously keen to dig up Charley's bones. But there's only one Charley. And you'll never find a bigger cunt than that. Alexandra got badly booed (racists!) but didn't help by generally pouting like a twat. Most likely to befriend Sylvia and slag off anyone remotely ugly.
REX... Good opener with 'Most people don't like me'. Gay dad! Ginge. Bizarre hair, it was like a little hat or something. It was obvious that he and Dale were going to chum up and wank off about expensive jeans or something. Zzz. Might be an interesting character if they don't go down the 'jungle cats' route, or even worse, the Anthony Hutton route.
MOHAMED... Afro... white trousers... I literally cannot think of anything else to write about him. he left no impression whatsoever.
REBECCA... I said Vicky Pollard before they did, but she was also a bit Beth Ditto-ey. I actually thought she looked quite good in that dress and her entrance was funny, but she had Shabnam written all over her with the screaming. If she doesn't befriend Dennis, I'll eat his stupid little hat.
DARNELL... american albino. He looked paler than me! I like albinos, they are interesting to look at. The jury is out on him, I haven't made up my mind.
JENNIFER... pretty. Obnoxious views. Very thin- how did she ever give birth?
KATHREYA... cookie monster. What an outfit... Pink wedgie and ginger spice's old shoes. I thought it looked like she had a willy when she was going downstairs, so you heard it here first if she turns out to be a geezer. Bet she teams up with Rebecca and Dennis in the 'assorted freaks' section.
And that is pretty much it. I didn't feel let down like I did last year on opening night, and there's quite a good mix of characters. Could have done with a cute guy who wasn't a complete bell-end, but hey... that's life. I think having someone blind in there will be a good barometer to sort the good from the evil and the kind from the exploitative. Surely it will be hard for him to get used to all the different voices, and imagine having to rely on that lot to take you to the toilet.