Big Brother 2014: First blood

Hello! I'm a bit late tonight as I was out drinking and I'm a bit maudlin.That's going to make for a good blog/ pod.
LOL, Chris is the power housemate! I can't believe most people voted for him. But isn't it a secret this time? Fuck, if Pauline knew she'd be shitting it.
I like all the pastels in the bedroom. I like the colour scheme better than the housemates.
Pauline vs Jale and Chris sitting watching - interesting considering we now know he's got the power! Pauline: 'I'm not a discusser, I'm a statementer.' You're a cunt.
Pauline calling Jale passive aggressive was interesting. Jale is not passive aggressive at all. Why is Pauline pointing? Aggressive aggressive. 'I'll lock you down.' Prison talk. Lock Pauline down and throw away the key. Jale has the patience of a saint. Considering her VT, she's keeping extremely cool.
Danielle's mum looks amazing! Look at those eyebrows. That's clearly Danielle in a few year's time. That was a rather half-hearted chant of 'Get Danielle out.'
Jale got some cheers. Jale has played a good game this week. 'Get Pauline out.' LOL. Ooh, Tamara's mum got a big boo. She's like a hybrid of Gail Platt/ Debbie McGee.
Mark was so fake when he was talking to Winston it was unbelievable. He was probably thinking about his next back, sack and crack.
LOL, Christopher is finally daring to speak to Pauline. Might as well talk to the wall, she doesn't listen. Still, at least she's opened his yap to the actual person at last. Everything Pauline says about other people is actually about herself. I've not seen someone projecting so much in ages.
I'm not surprised Jale is crying in the face of that antagonistic old bag Pauline. Shit, even Mark is turning against Pauline! If that fucking prick has seen it, Pauline's game is really up.
Can we see something else instead of Pauline running her mouth? Look how depressed everyone looks around that table. She's sucking the fun right out of that house.
What's that PVC chamber Winston and Tamara are in? I've never seen that before. Is it the sweaty box? It looks too hot in there.
Did Winston's clothes shrink in the wash? Square plates at that dinner, I note, a touch a touch of class. This date is so awkward. Look at Winston's teeth? That man is not good looking. He looks completely gormless. She is gross as well. She looks 40, not 23. When Ash went in to tell the others they were kissing it was the most childish thing I've ever seen.
Ooh, Chris is being let loose in the CGI cabinet. LOL to Chris feeling 'deeply uncomfortable' about having the power. He should be grateful! He says he's not going to let us down. I hope he's right.
Pauline is doing some serious victim blaming here. I think Pauline is deranged. She's 100% guaranteed to go next week if Chris puts her up, and I'm sure he will.
Danielle: 'If it's my time to go, it's my time to go.' Big Brother cliches 101. Apparently Pauline is 'an inspiration'. For a murder spree.
How can Pauline ignore someone asking to have a word with her? What a bitch. Christopher has gone all red in the face. Jale has got Pauline spot on. LOL Christopher was going to say SORRY to her?! Is he a nut?
LOL the crowd are shouting 'get Pauline out.' and the house can hear it clear as day. Hilarity. I couldn't keep a straight face if I was in there and Pauline got called out.
LOVE Helen calling the eviction crowd LOSERS! She knows how to rally support, doesn't she? OMG what a bitch! It did make me ROFL though, unlike that task. And did Ash say 'on a nice summers day have they got nothing better to do than stand out there?' Who would vote for these people to win after that?
HAHAHAHA I can't believe Tamara went out on a vote to evict! My vote DID count! She looked so shocked too. She was a real victim of circumstance because she wasn't that awful, but she got on the wrong side of the divide. It was a power move by the great British public. I'm so glad we won't have to watch that showmance 'blossom'. Nice work for a bunch of losers, hey?
I find Tamara so uninteresting. I'm so glad she's gone. She didn't do anything bad, but she didn't do ANYTHING. There was nothing to say about her interview.
Ha, Chris is nominating in the toilet. And he nominated Pauline. Class. It's no more than she deserves. Chris is putting his glasses on so he can see Pauline's screwface better when the noms are announced.
Who went 'what?' when it was announced Pauline was up? Yeah, I mean, who could Pauline have upset? They're gonna think it's Jale.
Mark is a bit stupid calling the power housemate a 'nasty gobshite' when he could be the next nomination. I thought Chris did act that quite well, especially the wince as if he thought it might be him.
No shit it's a revenge ting, Pauline. And revenge is SWEET.

Celebrity Big Brother 2014: Rapping, poetry and life

So now we know. Jim was referring to £20 Linda's husband stole from Frank Carson. £20! Were they that hard up? It would have been a low thing to bring up had Linda's husband been alive to defend himself; as he's six feet under, it was bordering on sick. Still, I don't feel THAT angry about it. Linda has been so billious towards him. Do I think it will scupper his chances of winning? Not a bit of it. Everyone loves a reformed woman beater, and if you don't believe it, just take a look around and put your Chris Brown CD in the fire, where it belongs, you animals.
Casey won't be speaking to Lee until he apologises. I guess she won't be speaking to Lee then.
How deep do Jim's 'deepest apologies' run? He's doing one every day at this rate.
Lee's accusing Casey of gameplanning! What a prick. Perhaps he should have worked on his own gameplan, a bit. Has Linda got a gameplan? If so, show me your work.
Linda's finally said what happened, but just saying he was 'accused.' Lee is actually right, what's it got to do with Jim? Kick a widow when she's down. Don't play the widow card, Linda. Just out Jim for the shirtlifter comments and you're quits! Deal done.
I wish Lee and Casey would both fuck off, they're both being absolutely pathetic, although she's still (just about) in the right.
LOL to Liz's reaction of her assistant being Dappy. I want to see Dappy's handwriting. Bet he can't spell for shit.
Let me get this right, so Casey kissed Lee when they were in the BOLTHOLE? She must be DESPERATE. Poor girl, her self-esteem must be shot to shit. My sympathy with her is at 0.00001%
Liz is pulling out the journey card. At last she gets some airtime! Ha, Lee is getting it in this article. This is actually a creative shit-stirring task.
Liz is enjoying being centre of attention here, I think. And I don't blame her as she normally gets ignored. But what's happened to Liz's journalistic skills? I think it's cos Dappy's handwriting must be illegible. He probably just did a pawprint instead. Or a hoofprint.
Ha to Linda mocking Lee for wearing sunglasses indoors. Too true.
Lee is now blaming Dappy for his fanny ratdom. He has blamed EVERYONE in that house but himself. What an enormous prick. I hope he watches the show when he gets out and gets a clue, but I think it's unlikely.
GET LEE OUT! Yesssssssssss. Go cry in the kitchen, Lee.
Two saved in 'no particular order'. Jim and Sam. Sam! Whhhhhhhhhhhy? She makes Joey Essex look like the Irrepressible Dark Horse entertainment-wise.
Hypocritically, I just voted to save Ollie as he looked a little sad.
Does anyone want to tell Emma that it's not a bungalow? The key feature of a bungalow is that they don't have stairs.
I hope Lee stays because he writes my blog for me. 'Why can't I just be happy! That was a private conversation!' Blah blah.I think Lee might be the whiniest bitch to EVER enter the Big Brother house!
Giving Dappy and Luisa an IQ test is good. I think I thought of that idea? It was me or my boyfriend. This is a good way to give them some airtime before the votes close.
Dappy's good with rapping and poetry, but not IQ tests, as previously boldly declared. LOL Dappy scored 6%. He's got street smarts, though. But I don't think there's an exam for that.
Luisa to Lee: 'I'm sick of hearing about it.' You and me both. Jasmine's not watching! She's probably in LA right now!
LOL, Dappy is threatening his lawyers and for the IQ test not to be shown. I wish I'd voted to save Dappy now, but I couldn't bear to after 'slag' gate. 'I will leave tomorrow at 1 o clock.' Alright, bruv. Ha, Dappy is packing his bags. I love it. I do have a real love/hate relationship with Dappy. He's just too funny.
Ooh, two more to save. Hope it's Liz. OMG Ollie is safe. That's my fault, sorry. Ah, Dappy is safe. Why is he still there, isn't it one o clock yet? Sweet.
Is Lee really gonna go? Surely Blue have some fans, right? Right?
It's Lionel! I knew it, I knew it. Lionel was the right result out of those people. I really couldn't see people voting for him. I will miss his little rants, though, and he's provided some great moments. 'Suck my dick. Get the chocolates. Selfish bitches. Go fuck yourself.'
Did I miss Lionel waving his wand around there? Aw, Lionel is sad to be out. He does like being on TV! He likes the razzle dazzle.
I feel a little sad, but I don't know why, because I didn't like Lionel! What, he's bought into Lee Ryan's crap? Come on, Lionel, you know better than that.
At least Emma is calling Lionel out about his chocolate gluttony. Good on Lionel saying he liked Luisa. Lionel gave a good interview, actually. Fair play to him for throwing himself into it, even if he was a bitter old shrew at times. LOL to his face when he saw himself in the PVC - hilarity!
Podcast tomorrow, AM. Be there or be Lee Ryan. Goodnight.

Celebrity Big Brother 2014: What happens in Frank Carson's dressing room, stays in Frank Carson's dressing room

It's a shame Liz vs Jim isn't that interesting, as it looks like they're really going to push that now. Zzzzzz.
Jim is doing his apology rounds again! At least he's trying, even if it's fake, it's making him look like the bigger person, and it's all about how he looks, isn't it? You know what I'm talking about, bruv!
Ugh, Evander. Get lost. Linda fancies him! Gross. I'm not interested in boxing of any sort, except the song Boxing Night by Frightened Rabbit. That's it.
This is just an elaborate version of the usual shit-stirring task. I've seen it ALL BEFORE! I hope someone punches someone else in the head. Lee would be desirable to get a thump, but it would be hard to tell if there was any lasting damage.
OMG how can people not be asking Liz about her career? Liz is lush.
Lionel, stop pretending you like Jim. Jim's 'we'll do something together' didn't seem that sincere. It's like when you leave a job. Yeah, we'll hang out. Er, who were you again? I enjoyed that conversation, though, and them rattling off what they think of the housemates. It was interesting. I like it when the oldies get together and talk about normal things.
Lee: 'The public are stupid.' Yes, but not as stupid as you. That's physically impossible.
Jasmine voting to save Casey and Linda was a proper clanger. If she cared a jot for Luisa or Lee, she'd vote to save at least one of them. Just goes to show what sort of person she is.
Oh, shut up, Linda. LOL to Liz on Jasmine's nomination saves: 'she was just saying that to be nice.' No. She wasn't. Jim calling us 'morons' and Lee saying 'I know.' Seriously, and you want people to vote for you? Jog on, as Saskia and Maxwell used to say. Who is Lee blaming for Jasmine going? Casey, I suppose. Nothing to do with him, no way! He doesn't like Jasmine being booed. Well, tough shit, squeaky pants. You can't control the world, or our minds, or even your own tiny ween, so STFU already. I like Jim riling him up to kick off. He knows it wouldn't take much.
I think Lee is giving Casey more credit than she's due, and he blatantly making up some of this shit, bruv. She DID like him, hard to believe as that seems looking back.
Jim is right, Linda is proper on his back. I don't know WHAT her problem is. He IS a misogynist, but he HASN'T really been in the house, because he's putting on a his quite successful front.
Liz: 'I find it hard to believe that people rang up to vote for me.' Aw.
Does Lee REALLY believe that Casey was only after a showmance? Casey was very decent to him, even after he was a complete dick. I thought we'd reached the pinnacle of Lee's stupidity but apparently not.
Oh, Luisa, stop shit-stirring. Do you always just believe the last thing someone said to you? Oooh, what happened in Frank Carson's dressing room? Jim's got some cards up his sleeve! NOW we might get to the bottom of this hatred between him and Linda.
And of course, now Luisa passes that on within a nanosecond. Ooh, Linda called him a CUNT, y'all! A WOMAN dropping the C bomb! Whatever next.
And now the spark has been lit. Luisa 'feels terrible.' HA! I've heard it all now. Luisa, you were put on this planet to be the wooden spoon, don't pretend otherwise.
Jim: 'what about Frank Carson's dressing room?' Heh! Even Dappy can't look. Oh come on, Jim, you TOLD Luisa to ask her what happened in Frank Carson's dressing room! Sneaky.
Linda is right, no one has mentioned Jim's past. I wish they would.
To be fair, no one mentioned Linda's husband. But Jim is obviously alluding to something very nasty. So what DID happen in Frank Carson's dressing room? Don't leave us hanging. I wondered if Frank Carson might go on BOTS to clear up the matter, but Twitter has informed me he's dead.
Linda's finished with Jim and is digging Lee's grave now. If I was Casey, I'd be mad as hell. She could capitalise on this if she's smart, but not by weeping, but by going and tearing a fucking strip off him. But has she got the boobs for it?

Celebrity Big Brother 2014: Do we have to form a queue to have a fucking argument?

So CBB has been extended for four days? I've never seen that happen before. They must be giving them more money, right? They extended Big Brother Australia by two weeks and it was a mistake, the last two weeks were quite hard going. A bit more CBB shouldn't hurt, tho, as long as it's not the bloody love triangle. I like the fact that so far they have only evicted Evander, and he was useless, so we've had pretty much the full spectrum of entertainment we could have had. Compared to Carol McGiffin, Mario, Les and Janice, this is a legacy season.
Only women nominees getting booed tonight, then, even though the man they're up against is a wifebeater, racist and homophobe. Par for the course, really.
Ollie is scavenging crusts out the toaster. It's not like this in Made in Chelsea. MIC meets Superscrimpers. OMG Lee and Jasmine in the bath first thing in the morning; horrid. Those ducks are getting their fair share of sexual abuse in there.
Luisa is right: men and women hate her because she knows herself. Sam doesn't find Jim funny. Did she used to find Joey Essex funny? I'm trying to decide who I'd rather be trapped in a lift with.
Ollie is doing an Aden. Shameful!
Why does Lee look happy he's not up for eviction when he voted for himself! Gorm.
I don't get why they failed that task. They guessed right? I wouldn't give two shits about no electrical items or no hot water.
Removing 'beauty products' is sexist in my opinion, because 'beauty products' means make-up and the majority of the time it's women who wear make-up. 
Sam looks rough without her make-up on, so no wonder she's carping. Why is Lionel getting on his high horse? Lionel needs his meds. 
Lionel DID say 'get the chocolates'. Ollie: 'If you feel that way...' It HAPPENED, OLLIE. Ollie doesn't want to seem like he's bitching. What a baby. That's a new level of fencesitting. A self-declared fence-sitter.
Ha to Lionel getting out of his pram! Don't point at me, you old cunt. 'Selfish bitches'. He's the selfish bitch. What's Lionel come as today with his silly hat and his fag holder?
Luisa: 'He just argues at me.' Ha. Luisa: 'Part of being a man... or any person.'Luisa is always saying things like 'man up.'
Jim: 'Do we have to form a queue to have a fucking argument?' No, just take a ticket from the machine.
Jim: 'She'd make Mother Theresa knock her out.' Charming. Lionel: 'She's dangerous.' Why, because you want to punch her? She really isn't. She's just a gobby, self assured, cocky woman. How awful! Get a grip, old man.
Did Lee tell Luisa to grown up? Luisa: 'A grown man.' She should stop throwing the pronouns around, if she's going to be a self-proclaimed strong woman. It's getting hard to defend her against everyone desperate to demonise her; and they are getting more desperate than Dappy.
What is that thing Emma is standing by that looks like a bit off a pirate ship or a hot air balloon? Ooh-aaaaaaaaaargh!
LOL Luisa is 'cooking for everyone except Lionel and Jim'. That's a power move. I like Luisa digging her heels in. It's petty and funny. Sam and Dappy worrying about what they're gonna eat. Jim guilt-tripping: 'I'll just have a bit of toast.' What, just the crumbs out the bottom, or a whole piece?
Lionel: 'Give me your lips.' Lionel sees women as either whores or horrors, and he can see that in the same woman. There's no middle-ground. It makes me laugh the way they always make friends after all the animosity in the day! I'm like that though, I can't hold grudges. I'd be like, 'aw, alright then.'
Liz: 'The water is black in London.' It isn't. Perhaps Liz is that girl who comes out of the TV in The Ring. The edit she's getting from BB is ridiculous. It's just so stupidly biased that they're not showing her that I'm glad she's getting support from the public.
Dappy telling Jasmine what's what. Ha. Jasmine's got her Cruella coat on. Dappy is constantly funny, even when enraged. Why is he talking in an American accent? He's like Jedward. Lee just made the international sound for oral. *tongue wiggle* Is Dappy drunk, he's gone very sincere all of a sudden. Lee: 'I hear dat.' Dappy: 'I'm not just drunk.' Dappy is definitely drunk. That conversation was the lols.
Lee and Jasmine need to knock the PDAs on the head - and people say Liz is boring.
Ooh, 'Get Luisa out.' Jim has a photo: communication with the outside world! Liz looks cute. I see they got their make up back, then.
Jim is loving getting the most votes. Luisa will be safe. As much as people don't like her, people will support her.
Dappy kissing Luisa is DIRTY, DISGUSTING AND LOOSE.
LOL to Ollie saying Sam is 'far more beautiful without make up.' What a smoothie. So not true!
Jim not understanding why Casey is upset, ha. Hilarious. Casey, please talk about something else. Boobs! Lee!
OMG Is Luisa REALLY letting Dappy lick her nipple?! WHYYYYYYYYY? She must be mental. She REALLY doesn't hold a grudge.
I like the way Luisa laughs when she gets booed, I would too.
Yes! Jasmine is out! I didn't think anyone would vote for her. Why would they? Liz powers on like the dynamo she is! Jasmine don't even get a umbrella.
Ha to people carping about Liz being saved on Twitter. Maybe people are sick of watching Lee and Jasmine dry/wet humping? Huh? Liz has more entertainment in her little finger than Jasmine. Liz thousand-yard staring into space is more entertaining than Lee and Dappy's whole musical back catalogue combined.  
Jasmine will be back in America before Lee even gets back. Ha, I'm glad they're showing Jasmine this Lee bullshit.
Casey has got a screwface in the background. Do you think Lee will walk? He said he never would but he's so soft on this hard-faced woman he probably would.
Jasmine seems a bit cool on Lee in her interview. Can't really blame her, though.
Ha, Jasmine wouldn't put it past Lee to go back to Casey. Jasmine is a tough cookie. She's 'doing a Tully' as someone did in BBAU - all over a guy in there and then denounced him because she had a girlfriend when she came out. Why is the idiot crowd shouting 'who are ya?'
I will miss Jasmine a bit, but not the 'romance'. I can't bear the groping. Ha, Jasmine wants Ollie or Sam to win. What about Luisa and Lee? She IS a reptile!
Everyone is up, but Jasmine gets to save two people! Nominations superpower, y'all! That was weird them seeing the evicted housemate.
Haha to Jasmine saving Casey and Linda because she wants everyone else out with her. Never mind saving Lee. LOL. What a crazy bitch. Oh no, I was hoping we might get rid of Linda soon! Jasmine saved the two most boring housemates. Epic fail. Liz FTW.

Celebrity Big Brother 2014: Is Aunt Mildred there, please?

SLOP! What is this, BBUS? Put 'em on PB&J. 'Bland grey slop', as if slop wasn't bad enough. Ha, Jim meant to press curry. I could eat neither curry nor slop. Or chick peas. Remember Rachel Rice used to be obsessed with chickpeas? What a winner.
The democracy monolith looks quite intergalactic, too. Is that back engineered from recycled Who Wants to Be a Millionaire voting pads? 
So Jim is deciding what all the other housemates do? Fair enough. He said he won't abuse the power and he seems trustworthy - ha.
Making tea out of old teabags is like smoking fag-butts. So Lee and Jasmine are openly snogging now. Casey should really just cut her loses and stop doing that screwface.
Ha, Jim chose Linda as most boring housemate! Good. Liz isn't boring anyway so she didn't deserve it.
Outside contact, blah. Jim smirking about Linda. He should just vote her for everything, biggest old bat, most annoying, most likely to be evicted next.
Linda isn't really watching paint dry, because her goggles are covered in paint. Lionel: 'She's such a lovely lady.' Incorrect.
OMG cigarettes or beauty products! I thought they'd want cigarettes more as they all smoke like chimneys. I don't smoke and I wouldn't mind not wearing make up so I wouldn't care either way.
Lee and Jasmine are finger-banging in the treehouse. Ah, now she's riding him in the living room. Lovely.
Fake nomination. At least some are voting for Lee now. Did Lee vote for himself! Did Jim pick that one? Lee DID vote for himself Tim from BBAU style! It didn't feel quite as impressive.
LOL to Lee saying 'don't shout at her' to Lionel for having a go at Jasmine like a drunk boyfriend in Wetherspoons. This is like I'm a Celebrity again - lipstick wars. It wasn't interesting then, either.
Such a boring show tonight. Lee: 'I looked at you and my stomach went zzzzzzzzzzz.' That's how I feel watching this fauxmance.
If Lionel farting is really a highlight, God help us.
Luisa has a 'beautiful punani.' Dappy better check and make sure. They should keep that 'democracy' machine going off all night.
LOL to Jim choosing Luisa and Lionel as the most annoying housemates. OMG I could not be in a room with clocks ticking. I would flip. I do not respond well to ticking. I can hear a ticking clock a mile off. I can hear a tap dripping from a house away. Even birds tweeting make me murderous. 
Does Luisa think they're really going to get into that room with champagne and chocolates? This has echoes of the Basshunter task. They should play some Basshunter into the room to add to the ambience.
Lionel is like a real old person taking a PPI call. Lee is with Ollie in the toilet now! Taps on or off?
I loved Luisa's jailbreak. Lionel: 'Chocolates please.' Rebels! Hilarious. Good on them!
Is BB going to chuck her out? I like it when people break the rules. There's nothing worse than a 'rule-booker', as they say on BBAU. Big Brother is being a wimp! Give her a warning! Send her to jail. Do not pass go.
They did a task like this on BBUS where someone got put in a room with an alarm going off every 9 minutes. Lionel can't sleep in that room without his orthopedic mattress. I like the pairing of these two, I think they're quite funny. I hope Luisa stays and Jasmine goes.
'Is Aunt Mildred there, please?' This is like a bad trip or a horror movie. Lionel: 'Go fuck yourself.' Couldn't have put it better myself.
So Liz got ZERO air time tonight. Does not bode well. Save Liz, let's get shot of Jasmine and hopefully Lee will go with her.

Celebrity Big Brother 2014: I will look after you

We just watched the Heidi and Spencer After Shock show and now my boyfriend is comatose so I'm watching this alone. Thanks Speidi! To be fair, Jim can't help that he snores. Luisa and Jasmine can help being a pair of old harpies, touching each other's bits over the vodka mix.
Lee going for the Abz vote, befriending one of the butterflies that were formally in his stomach. Granddad butterfly. Oh, the poetry. Swoon.
Jim is confirming my point that he has no choice about snoring. Luisa is inconsiderate. What is 'having fun'? Giggling under a blanket? Waking people up?
Lee says Duncan is gay. I thought Duncan was bi. I like Simon the best, he's very handsome and he didn't make a twat of himself in the jungle.
Liz is twitching about cruelty to animals because a dog has been sent in to steal a string of sausages. I would be, too. If she thinks that's bad, she should have seen the year they had the gorilla in there, HA.
This task is stoopid. That was the dullest task ever. How can they follow the knocking shop - sorry, strip show - with this?
Face to face nominations equals easy targets and controversial characters up, which can work out badly. At least they can't fiddle it this time.
I like the frankness of Luisa's nomination: 'I'm nominating Jim because he's a fucking arsehole and he gets on my tits.' It's better than 'they don't clean the kitchen', isn't it?
Luisa nominated Liz for taking about her dogs. Does she remember this small chap called Dappy, called her a slag, a fucking hoe, and loose two days ago? Remember him? He's sat right there.
Jim is seething! I don't think I've ever seen such enthusiastic face to face nominations. Luisa didn't like what she said about him.
Can someone explain to me why Jim is nominating Liz and not Linda? Do not get it. Poor Liz.
Jasmine's nominations were a bit more wishy washy. Ha, she called Jim sexist.
Dappy nominated Liz! That's his homegirl. Why is Dappy doing the same nominations as last week? Boring. Dappy also nominated Luisa for mentioning his mum. Mummy!
Ollie nominated Liz, too, aw. I feel sorry for Liz. Ollie was quite brave to nominate Jim.
Lee: 'Liz, you bitch. I'm joking.' Ha bloody ha. Lee is nominating Sam for fencesitting, basically. WTF BB won't accept his nomination and is making him change it! You've got to be kidding me. He could vote tactically now! That's cheating. That's a bunch of BS.
Ooh, Liz nominated Linda because she reminds her of her older sister and she makes her nervous. That's a bit unfair on Linda. Liz on Jasmine: 'I look at her and I literally want to kill myself.' Oh, because of her self esteem issues. I thought it was something else. This is like a Lauren Harries nomination: 'I'm nominating you because you remind me of my auntie Jill who we don't speak to...'
I don't think Liz meant to use those words to hurt Jasmine about her dad. Jasmine is crying again. DOES she have feelings? Jasmine is right, though, it's not her fault the way she looks.
Sam nominated Liz for loving animals. Is that an OK reason? Shouldn't Big Brother be saying, 'Are you going to end someone's game over that?' Talk about favoritism! And she dared nominate Jim. I'm surprised.
I'm glad Linda nominated Dappy at least. Why didn't Dappy get more votes? Is it OK to speak the way he did at the weekend?
Not more votes for Liz, poor Liz. Ha, Casey nominated Jasmine. At least she dared. I like Casey's lips jumper.
I hate Lionel! He nommed Jasmine and JIM! I'm surprised he nominated Jim face to face. He's a shrewd one.
So up is Liz, Jim, Jasmine, and Luisa only on 2 nominations.
I don't know why Dappy is grovelling round Luisa. Own your own vote. Bad atmosphere in the house now. Luisa is certain she's going to go. I think she might get some votes off the back of her Dappy wars. I will vote to save her and Liz.
LOL to Jim saying Lionel didn't make him famous. I actually feel almost SORRY for Jim!
Liz should apologise to Jasmine for her choice of words, even though she didn't mean them. Casey is coming off a bit one-dimensional again, except for instead of 'boobs', it's just 'Lee'.
I haven't seem Jasmine be 'over the top nice' to Liz. Or anyone. Jasmine is on the warpath after Casey now. Oh dear. I have a feeling Casey will be eaten alive. Oh, get over it, Casey. You're really stringing this out now.
Good on Jim for sticking up for Liz. He is so right. That was a power move, right there. I'm glad Liz apologised, too. Jasmine: 'It's almost like racism voting for me because I'm beautiful.' No it isn't.
Dappy and Luisa bonding is somewhat sickening.
Taps on time! Lee doesn't want Jasmine to go back to her bat cave. 'I will look after you.' I don't think she needs looking after, I really don't. She's hard as nails. Lee, on the other hand...

Celebrity Big Brother 2014: Roll on, death

Well, yesterday sorted the Dappy-apologist, slut-shaming, women-haters from the forward-thinking, sex-positive everyone else who believe women can do what they like with their bodies. I will never understand in a million years why anyone - and it's particularly disgusting when it's women - care how many people another woman has slept with. In what way does it affect your life? Just mind your own business. We're so far behind culturally in terms sexuality in terms of Europe and America - we really are the frigid bitches of the Western world. No wonder other countries think we're uptight freaks and bad in bed.
All seems cheery this morning. I wonder how long that will last. I like Luisa's pyjamas/ onesie. It's the only attractive onesie, I've seen.
Lee: 'I'd love to get married.' Two days ago he said he didn't want a girlfriend.
Casey really needs to get over it now and just leave it with Lee. She knows who and what he is (fanny rat).
Jasmine: 'Lee is loud and rambunctious'. Yeah, like a puppy you regret buying. How does Casey keep her eyebrows so massive? Does she draw them on or are they tattooed?
Dappy seems veritably charming today. Lee's tattoos are so gross and cheap looking. His body's not even nice, either. Although my boyfriend likes his hair (?!)
Casey and Jim's bonding time. She's going to 'wait' to shag Lee? I think she'll be waiting a while. Although once Jasmine hovers off back to her crypt, she might have half a chance. Jim chatting up Casey, ha.
They are making Sam say she has feelings for Ollie! That's cruel! He's onto her! Sam is one of the housemates who has to be directed to become entertaining. That's a sign of a very poor housemate.
Haha, Jasmine starting on Casey for no reason! Mean Big Brother. This is imaginary drama. Casey's been looking for an excuse to shout at Jasmine.
Jim and Lionel  in their parkas pontificating. I don't mind there being old grumpies in the house, as long as they're funny.
Dappy's apology to Luisa did seem quite heartfelt. He could just be a TRUE GAMER. 'I've got kids, too.' Aw. Ha, I'm such a softie, I find it hard to hold a grudge. I guarantee I'll be off him again by the end of the show.
I don't know what Ollie sees in Sam! He should hook up with Casey. I bet Lee would fancy Casey again if someone else showed an interest in her.
LOL to those who didn't get to go to the sex party. Quite interesting choices for each party. OMG what is Lee wearing! Mixing a children's show with a sex party seems WRONG.
Dappy: 'If you're happy and you know it.' OMG Lionel just said 'suck my dick!'
Ugh this sex task is groo. I liked seeing Ollie letting his hair down, though. And so is Lionel! Sam did not look impressed with Jasmine's pole dancing.
The children's bit is creepier than the sex bit. OMG LEE RYAN'S POLE DANCING. It had to be seen to be believed. I took photos. I am scarred for life. He obviously DID spend a lot of time in the strip club. Ollie did not look impressed, and nor did Lionel or Sam. Luisa obviously wasn't that sexy as she didn't get much air time. Why didn't we see Ollie strip!!! Big Bruvver!
Lionel only did it to join in! Ha. Why is Lionel throwing his toys out of the pram? Lionel's moaning about what the girls did. What about what Lee did! What about Lionel going 'SUCK MY DICK'! I want to see the whole of that sex party uncut and decide for myself.
LOL to Jasmine calling Jim a grumpy old git. Jim and Lionel are so touchy! Talk about crabby.
Ha to Jim's disgust at Katy Perry. He don't want to hear her roar. He's got Russell Brand-itis. I wanted them to play another song just as they went to bed, something really annoying.
Is Jasmine naked? Are her and Luisa making out? I think Jim's gonna go hang himself. Why is Jasmine going out there? Leave the old man alone. Ha, he's pretending to be asleep. He's not mad. He's just about to throttle Jasmine. I like the way she laughed and lit a cigarette. She's quite cruel. I think she could crack him. I think she could push him over the edge.
Don't have nightmares.

Celebrity Big Brother 2014: I've never had one STD, just a urine infection

'It's 2013. I respect women'. Well, I don't know much, but I know neither of those statements are true. Not sure how I'm going to write thing fucking thing right now, but think my Dappy bile should keep me fired up.
Lee: 'You don't fall in love as many times as you go to Nandos.' Depends on if you're Lee Ryan, or that dude trying to get his free Nandos card.
Oh STFU about this love triangle already. I don't want to hear another word about it. Casey is a bit possessive over Lee. What does she see in him? I've barely heard Liz slag anyone off, which is a little disappointing.
LEE: stop whining, you prick. JUST SHUT UP. BB must understand we're getting sick of this now. God, he's such a big baby.
Not quite sure what point Dappy is trying to make with 'it's 2013' especially when, er, it's not. So let's just assess how this conversation started. Dappy was bragging about fucking about on tour. Then: 'A fucking hoe.' Well, now we get down to the brass tacks. I'm glad Casey witnessed this. Old turnip head piping up with 'there aint no such thing as equal' - well we already know he has no respect for gay people or horses, so why not women, too? Get to fuck, Evander.
Dappy: 'Come back' after he just called them a 'fucking hoe.' So weird that he would rather be a pig than a slag. Because being a slag is so awful and that can only be applied to women. SIGH.
What has it got to do with Dappy how many men or women Luisa has slept with, in one night, or one lifetime, it's NONE OF HIS FUCKING BUSINESS.
RELAX YOURSELF. 'Ask Linda if she agrees!' Who gives a fuck if Linda agrees or not? Who cares if she slept with five men in one night or 50 men in 10 years? What the fuck as it got to do with this little cunt? How many dumb self-hating fucking bitches have slept with this little pipsqueak? Who is he to tell other people how to live their life when he's getting his donkey schlong out to boost his record sales! WHAT A FUCKING HYPOCRITE!
'I respect women.' Here's how Dappy respects women. He spits on them in BP garages. He calls them slags. He cheats on the mother of his child. With this sort of respect, he's starting to make Lee Ryan look like Hugh Grant in Notting Hill.
LOL Dappy has struggled in life. On the mean streets of fucking Hertfordshire. How does HE know Luisa has never struggled in life? What the fuck do any of us know about anyone else's life?! He's making judgements left right and centre.
Dappy is being an aggressive little cunt. He should have been called to the DR and told to chill the fuck out.
Dappy: 'I bet Sam don't agree with that.' Yeah, let's hear Sam's opinion on the matter. Oh, sorry, she's too busy SITTING ON THE FENCE RIGHT NOW. Why isn't Jim telling Dappy to chill his fucking boots? Why is NO ONE SPEAKING!
Linda; 'Are you alright, Luisa?' after Dappy's gone. Brave. Evander backing up Dappy's horseshit. Thank God he's gone. Thanks FUCK.
Dappy IS a little kid. He's 26! He acts like some kid on the back of the bus throwing chips at you.
LOL to 'you just can't buy class'. He had a go at her for being a snob, so she might as well act like one.
What is this bullshit about Dappy listening outside the DR door? That shouldn't be allowed WHATSOEVER. Put him in his fucking nappy again and leave him there until he shits his pants this time. He acts like he's a newborn, so treat him like one.
What is this shit about 'are you going to tell your daughter how many people you've slept with.' Who TELLS their daughter that?! What planet is he on. You don't HAVE THAT CONVERSATION WITH YOUR PARENTS. (Well, I have, but my mum was drunk at the time).
Oh my God, is he STILL GOING ON? Big Brother, call him to the Diary Room, this is fucking harrassment. Why would Dappy's mother have ANYTHING to be ashamed about! She's brought up such a lovely boy, probably in between fucking guys left right and centre and NOT telling Dappy about it, like normal parents do.
Ah, now the GCSE grades come out. Here come the big guns, gangsters. That's when you know we mean business. Whilst living in the ghetto, Dappy was also school swot and master prefect. No mention of A levels though, I notice, and I don't think they give out degrees in cuntery. I'm still agog he got one grade higher than me for English, he can't even speak it. Still, this is mature. 'An A and B in stuck up' was quite funny, though.
The level of rage I'm feeling towards the TV is not healthy. I don't know how Luisa contained herself not to knock his fucking teeth out. She would have been a HERO. I swear he was goading her to try and get that sort of reaction. BB should have stepped in.
Did you know Dappy had an A plus in English? HAS HE MENTIONED IT? Hold on, it's gone from an A plus in maths to a B in maths. I want to see the actual certificates. I'm not buying any of this. I only got an A and I'm a writer and wasn't gangbanging and drug dealing at the time, so how did he get an A plus when he was keeping it street? This RE-SOOM-AY DON'T ADD UP, as Alan Sugar would say.
Ha to Lee going 'ooh, quick' when the row started again.
Your agent told you to keep your fucking mouth shut' was the biggest ownage of the night. Just brilliant. Luisa is a brave woman to even talk about having sex on TV, and she certainly doesn't need anyone sticking up for her in this row. She's tough.
Why is Dappy wearing a jacket from Millets? It looks like the sort of jacket your dad would wear for a country walk. SWAG.
'I'm not a prick, though.' I do not understand why he has not been given a warning for this. I thought they weren't allowed to say things that could cause offense to people watching. Well I know I'm only an inferior WOMAN but I am fucking OFFENDED so give him is warning, please. In fact give him his suitcase and dump him on the hard shoulder somewhere so I don't ever have to look at the little maggot again.
Dappy: moral arbiter. I reckon he would go to a sex party. He's an ANIMAL.I think it's terrible that no one stuck up for Luisa. Jim is being a dick, Luisa was just DEFENDING HERSELF. Jasmine is the only person on her side.
Ha to Linda and Jim having a laugh for once. They must be desperate.
LOL, Dappy is bringing out the three number one singles now. Morrissey would be fuming, he's never had a number one.
Now we've covered the GCSEs and the records, Dappy's having to resort to the fact he's never had an STD, but he had a urine infection. Just amazing. He's either an evil genius, or least self-aware man on the planet. I've changed my mind, keep in him. It's just non stop entertainment, it really is. Just let it keep digging and digging and digging.
Why is Linda DEFENDING Dappy!? Disgusting. Who cares about Dappy's mum? She brought up that fucking thing. She deserves no respect.
I'm glad Lee and Casey saw all that bullshit today before they voted, because it helped that Luisa was getting browbeaten and slut-shamed all day long.
I still think it's bad manners how Evander when out, even though he was a plank and an ignoramus. He's still a guest in our country and deserved a proper goodbye and a sorry from Lee and Casey who were acting like selfish dickheads. Good to see Dappy lose his wingman, though.
Why is idiot Lee hugging Dappy after the way he's been behaving today. Dappy is Lee's only way to redeem himself. The only person who can make Lee look decent. Dappy must be particularly annoyed that Evander went over that harlot Luisa.
Jasmine: 'she clearly thinks she's got him back.' I think Jasmine only wants Lee if someone else is interested in him. I think she's just that sort of person.
I hate it when they go back in and go on and on about all they've seen. What is that fucking waistcoat Lee is wearing? Jasmine looks good tonight. Lee is acting like a little idiot. Jasmine is loving the attention.
This BB feels like it's been on for years but it's cos I've had to stop so many times to spout off.It has taken me an hour and a half to watch it.
Jim is talking to Luisa about things she says being taken the wrong way. Hold on, whilst I get my pot and kettle out.
You ARE OAPS, Jim and Lionel. It's just a fact. Why is Lionel bagging on her now, she's already had a rough day. Oh, shut up, Jim. He's making it worse.
I don't think Luisa wants to go home, I think she feels victimised, demeaned, humilated and embarrassed, which is exactly what Dappy wanted.
Is this Big Brother sponsored by no brand vodka and lemonade? They seem to have crates of the stuff. Jim: 'Do you think I'm being myself in here, I'd be thrown out in a minute.' Well, at least he's honest and we know it's true. It's called self-awareness. That was a strange sort of comforting Jim did there.
Why is LIONEL stirring the pot now? He IS an OAP, deal with it. Stop trying to get airtime! Go to fucking bed, old man.
At last, Linda speaks sense! Telling Dappy to grow up. Ha, Linda, 'If I could I would.' That's the sort of thing my mum would say! Does anyone really believe Lionel's feeling are hurt? Today Luisa has been called a slag, a loose woman and a bad mother. You got called OLD which you ARE. We all get old and we all die and to make it to 82 with jazz hands still agogo is not doing too shabby, so get over it.
I think Dappy must have been on the phone to his agent in the Diary Room because he's now apologising to Luisa. LOL to Dappy and Luisa cuddling. She's a bigger woman than I am, I'd cut his fucking nuts off in the middle of the night, with Jim Davidson's egg slicer, if to hand. Let's see how long this truce lasts.
OH GOD PLEASE NO MORE LEE STUFF. 'I didn't look in her eyes the way I look in your eyes.' Is the reptile crying? What the fuck is she crying about? She's probably got something in her eye.
SO MUCH RAGE. Good to get that out of my system, though, right? Better out than in. I'm honestly going to take a valium now. And probably watch a cartoon or something. Relax yourself, indeed. Swag!

Celebrity Big Brother 2014: Another vat of wine, dear?

Vodka. Check. Red bull. Check! First eviction? Check!
Who goes? Casey and Lee decide! WHAT?! I didn't vote to save Liz for this shit. They won't save Liz. They'll save the wicked witch Jasmine. Do housemates normally get this much power?! I was gonna vote again but don't think I'm gonna now. I hope it's Evander and Luisa in the bottom two.
Why is Jim getting cheered AGAIN! Bitches in the crowd be crazy.
Casey: 'They're talking about you.' Lee: 'What are they saying?' 'You're a cunt.' OK, she didn't say that. But she should have! She should be winding him up to high heaven. LOL to her laughing at him for crying. She's a good sport, you know.
Jasmine, get your hands off my Ollie!
Poor Liz feels ostracised. 'I'm not the sort of person you'd go on holiday with.' Me either!
Lionel smearing Jim's good name saying he used to be a playa. Don't be a playa hater! I like Casey's peacock leggings.
Dappy is gawping at Luisa. Maybe he's going to stab her. Or spit on her? Jasmine, stop bagging on Liz! Sometimes writers are betting on paper than in person. Me, for example.
Does Dappy have his swag on in a nappy? I'm not sure Dappy has his swag on ever. Fair play to him for putting it on, though.
Lee loves love. I heard that can be catching. BUT FIRST.
What's this witches alliance Luisa and Jasmine have set up? Liz is right, they ARE bullies. Or at the very least, nasties.
I can't believe how much I like Casey now compared to when she went in. Why is Lee talking about 'the worst thing he's ever done'? Is he brain-damaged?
Sliming tasks are a bore. Ollie getting uppity about being called fake. Aww. I don't find Dappy fake. Dappy is 4 realz! You knows it. There's only one slime watch in that house, and that's whenever the camera's on Lee.
Who's safe? 'Get Jasmine out' - ha. Not the homewrecker card. Lee and Casey's home was definitely just a starter home.
'Your fate is sealed' is not as good as 'It's time to go' as they say on BBAU.
LOL Jim is safe. I'm glad, he actually DOES have more to give, unbelievably, even though he's hateful. Who's that chump in the audience who keeps chanting 'Love you Dappy'? Is he 'bent' - to use a Dappyism.
Jasmine safe too! How?!
'Get Luisa out' is a bit of a mouthful to chant. Too many syllables.
Lee, put your belly away. Casey warning Lee off Jasmine. No ulterior motive there. Not at all. Lee is not capable of just being friends with a girl without wanting to waggle his willy on them.
Liz daring to bring up the H word. Where's Dappy? Is Evander bragging that he PUNCHED A HORSE to LIZ JONES? Get a clue, mate! 'I was embarrassed by what the horse did.' Ha. Again, where's Dappy?
Ollie fancies Sam! Why? You might as well fancy a brick wall. I don't watch TOWIE but she's given us NOTHING so far.
Christ, Jim first advocating nuclear war, now armed police! What's up with him!? Oh Linda, STFU. 'Another vat of wine, dear?' They're like real parents who hate each other, ha.
Jim isn't really being aggressive, he's just quite blunt, but so is Linda. Their arguments are quite boring.
Oh, Lee, put that woman down, you freak. Talk about mixed signals! 
Jasmine: 'What did he finger you, who gives a fuck'. Ha, that's the attitude. 'I didn't put that thing in my mouth.' That thing! Hahahahaha!
OMG did he lick Jasmine out?! That's one way to keep his fucking gob shut. On the second night in the house, though! Mother of God.
YES! Liz is safe! That was my money well spent. Liz isn't boring. No more boring than Abz was, and he came second, admittedly to the biggest bunch of pricks on the planet.
Get Evander out! Get Evander out! Will they boot him, though? Will they DARE?
Did the video fuck up or what? Ollie looks scared! At least they're showing the housemates some of what Lee and Casey said, too.
Evander aint looking too happy. I think he knows. Lee was quick to decide. He decided before the 30 seconds even began. Lee is quite brave (ish) because he probably think Evander is actually popular. He isn't.
I would have thought Evander would be happy to go. He's not exactly fitting in, is he? I think he just doesn't like losing.
Lee and Casey, not exactly tactful coming back in whooping with delight. Dappy didn't look too pleased.
Did Lee and Casey even say sorry to Evander? Did Evander just try and leave via the DR door? I don't think anyone said goodbye to him.
I hope he enjoys coming out anyway. I just tweeted that and got the most retweets I think I've ever had.I could be the new Jimmy Carr.
I don't even like horses and I hate Evander, so good riddance. He thought he was the second out. Even if Lee and Casey has been evicted, he would be third.
Did Emma really just say Evander is loved?! This is a woman who roasted Hazel and Courtney for being WOMEN and patted Daley on the back. What a crock.
Evander: mic fail. Emma is tanking this interview. She's not even going to ask him about the homophobia, is she? Nope. Not at all. Honestly, the way she's torn some of the female housemates apart for KISSING and he gets off the hook completely? SHAMEFUL! That interview was a car crash. I don't think Evander knew the name of one of his housemates except Dappy.
Bring on the live feed...! Half an hour, you say? SO GENEROUS!

Big Brother 2013: He's quite tragic, isn't he, really?

Dear Lord, please save us from the love triangle. It is killing the show. I feel like evicting Dexter after watching an hours live feed of him and Callum wittering on in cliches and riddles. I can't bear it!
I'm tired of Dexter, tired of Charlie going 'yeah, yeah, yeah.' What did Charlie even say last night? I watched two hours of live feed and I still don't know. I almost want Sam and Sophie to take Callum to the safe house, just so we can evict him and end this storyline. And that's not really fair on Callum, but I'm getting really fed up. It's been a fantastic series, and the past few days have been just tedious. This is not how I want to remember this year. If I had any idea what anyone was talking about, it would help. They're all just spouting so much drivel I don't think they even know what they're talking about themselves.
I don't like Dan and Callum getting on! It makes me nervous.
Ugh, all the house slagging off Dexter again - even Charlie! She really is the wooden spoon in that house. This house is just full of arseholes now; twins, Hazel, even Gina is a bitch, and she's the best one in there.
Hazel's looked nice the past couple of days. I wonder how she's feeling inside? I wonder if she gets any support in the Diary Room?
This task is like 'share or shaft.' Or Luke and Conor's 'one Mississippi' car crash moment.
So glad Dexter didn't chose Charlie for the picnic. I just can't bear to listen to anymore bullshit. Plus it was a curveball. Why was Callum so annoyed that Dexter picked Dan? Surely he'd be pleased!
Secrets and lies! Zzzz.
Callum: Charlie DOESN'T FANCY YOU. Get over it! ARGH!
Oh God, Dexter said he's on a journey again. My boyfriend is going to go mad.
Just what the twins don't need - a table full of trans fats. That probably is the sort of party they enjoy; sausage rolls and party rings and singing Abba. On their own.
Dan on Dexter: 'He's quite tragic, really.' Aw, that's mean!
Twins slagging off Dexter as usual. Callum trying to put Charlie off seeing Dexter in the outside world. Even the other housemates are getting pissed off with this bullshit. 'It's boring' is right! Dan is freaking out because there's airtime available he's not getting.
Oh one twin just said he fancied David Beckham. This must be the gay one! So the gay one is the one with the shaved bit in the hair. I've finally sussed it! Now, just his name to work out, ha.
There's more chemistry with Dan and Dexter than Dexter and Charlie. I wonder how long Dexter's longest relationship is? Dexter: 'I like snuggles at the weekend but also someone who can turn heads in a restaurant.' God, he's got such a Hollywood view of relationships; it has no basis in reality AT ALL! Not sure Charlie would turn heads in a restaurant; stomachs, maybe.
Ha, Hazel on Dexter: 'Definitely half.' ie. bi, haha. Dexter: 'I always like to please my partner before I please myself.' Is this during his 45 minute shag playlist I saw him discuss on live feed once?
Dan: 'what does your climax face look like?' PLEASE! There are some things we don't need to know.
Oh, so the twins can't go to the party because they had their DR party, haha. Unlucky.
Gina: 'there's no cloth on the table.' Ha, Ferrero Rocher tantrum.  Ferrero Rocher is gross. Gina is actressing right here.
OMG Callum's dancing! Amaze.
The others: 'they're not having fun.' If you say so! Actually, Dan and Sophie do look pissed off. But they are playing Amy Winehouse.
I don't know what pisses me off more about Callum: his naff tattoos, his nipple piercing, his personality or his clothes.
Dan and Sophie calling Callum 'creepy' and 'a cringe bag.' Ooh, looks like Sophie won't be inviting Callum to the safe house, then! Good. Get the twins in there, and ship their arses out.

Big Brother 2013: You never had a bottle of Mow-it?

My boyfriend is going on and on about the love triangle in the house, and how it's all storylining and he's fed up with it; I wish he'd been this chatty in our podcast! He also doesn't like Dexter anymore. I said, 'who do you want to win?' and he said 'Callum' so he seems pretty jaded.
I do hope the non-love triangle doesn't become the main storyline.
Jackie crying about her hair! I don't care about Jackie any more, she's old news.
Charlie would get off with Dexter, I don't care what she says.
Oh no, Sam likes Callum the best. Callum will go if he goes up against Sam and Sophie next week. I hope Sophie pushes him into taking the twins in there.
Jackie vs Charlie. Who cares?
The 'are we being funny, mummy?' twins are having a contrived argument. About food.
A task about the love triangle - zzz. Dexter, pink leggings are not for you.
JACKIE IS NOT GOING TO BE YOUR MOTHER IN LAW, DEXTER.
Gina on the dance task: 'I don't think anyone was even embarrassed.' Ah, Gina. You're my new winner. I'm sure she must be racing ahead of Dexter in the odds now.
Gina: 'I'm enjoying myself, but I'm not going to miss anyone.' I like her transient ways!
Dexter is talking such a lot of old flannel. He's no good when he's not an underdog. Don't get me wrong, Dexter's in my top two, still, but he really needs to pull it back round again. I hope he can.
Did Jackie get both sides of her hair done in the end? Twins: 'we got boos.' Not enough!
For the twist, Big Brother actually said 'these two housemates will be immune from next week's eviction.' Why would you put in the two 'safest' housemates? Who's Charlie to tell us who's going to win? Why did Charlie get to make this decision on who was going into the safe house?
Have you ever seen two people look so sad upon giving immunity?
Sophie: 'You never had a bottle of Mow-it?' Aw, bless, Sam's never had champagne before. I don't like putting fruit in my champagne! Sophie: 'it tastes like vinegar.' I'll have it! It's probably the Lidl one.
Sam and Sophie are total floaters. I'd like to see the back of one of them, but preferably Sophie, and I don't think we've seen the best of him yet *BB cliche factory*.
Callum's got a nice t-shirt on tonight: 'Fate is your own.' Tasteful.
Dexter is fronting out Callum! He's doing some game planning tonight. Dexter: 'The only reason we despise each other...' That's no way to make friends and influence people. I don't really know what Dexter's trying to say here.
Why is Charlie having a go at Dexter?! Why is it OK as long as he's not making up with Callum? I don't get it.
I'm fed up with Callum and Dexter going on and on about the same thing.
Hazel is playfighting with Charlie! Is it her fault if Charlie threatens her?
Callum's face when Charlie and Dexter were mucking about in the shower! He looks angry! He should just go inside and get a grip. It's over.
Sam, if you don't know your alphabet, try not singing an alphabet song. My boyfriend is worried Sam is going to be 'taken over by the 'domestic violence ghost' in the safe house.
I don't get what Charlie is getting at here. Why doesn't she want Dexter and Callum getting on? What would be so awful about it?
DI Dan has stepped in! Everyone go to sleep before he gets the taser out. Charlie, don't apologise for something you haven't done.
Ha, that was funny when Dan caught Hazel and Charlie out whispering, too.
Why is Dan sticking up for Callum? Doesn't he hate Callum?! This has been edited pretty poorly because I have no idea who's right, who's wrong, or what's going on. Mind you, what's new?

Big Brother 2013: Hit the road, Jackie

OK, I just wrote that title in hope. Jackie's gots to go, right? I wish it was a double and we could lose the misery twins, too.
Just watched a bit of live feed from the other night and saw a really long, lovely conversation with Sam and Gina. Why do we never see this side of Sam on the show?!
Oh, not more safe house stuff. Tired of it. Not sure I can take any more twists. It has been great that the most decent housemates haven't all been evicted first, granted. But can't we just have one or two normal weeks?
Jackie is upset about her arm and 'certain things'. Being evicted is hopefully one of them.
Dexter, stop brown-nosing Jackie, it's so bugging. Also, he's trying to put Callum in the position he used to be in; the house kicking post! I think I actually want Gina to win over Dexter now, she has a good soul, you know. I never thought I'd be saying that about her after the first night!
Why has Jackie 'warmed to Dexter'? Is it because he's got money? Did Charlie just say she wouldn't go out for dinner with Callum, even as a friend? What a bitch!
This 'apology' between Jackie and Callum is waaaaay frosty. No grudge at all!
Oh god, not the pleas to stay. NO ONE LIKES THEM. Ah, Callum's got his best outfit on tonight. He's probably splashed out and gone to River Island.
Dexter looks like he's out on the campaign trail - where's his rosette?
Jack and Joe look smart. Never mind, get rid. They're playing the 'it's our birthday tomorrow' card. Boo. Have they got tans?!
They did a similar task to this on BBUS where the task wasn't really the task, it was quite good.
Did Gina get off on sitting in a bath of beans?! Spare us Jackie's jokes, PLEASE!
Why is Sophie always moaning about people telling her what to do? Let's hope she never has to get a job.
Why is Emma engaging with the crowd? Do not feed the trolls!
Ha, Gina is asking for Ferrero Rocher! That's like when people think Vienetta is posh. I don't believe posh people really eat Ferrero Rocher?
I like the fact Sam doesn't like Sophie; I think he's pretty astute, actually. He watches and gets people's number.
Get Jackie out! Haha, she got booed bad. Callum must be jumping for joy inside. Save Callum!
Ooh they crowd are chanting Gina's name! Cool! Don't get Wolfy syndrome, Gina!
No way did Jack and Joe get less votes to evict than Callum, I know nuff people who've been voting to evict them. I don't like the fact they did that. Callum needed to be thrown a bone and it wouldn't have hurt them. Callum needed the affirmation, not the imaginary drama of a head to head with Jackie. Grr!
Dexter's cartwheel - what a legend. Even though he's having a bad week.
'If Charlie's mum wasn't here...' as the voting lines are open, ha. Subtle!
I'm not even going to comment on the blatant Hazel bad editing. I like Gina 'going Essex'.
Hope they don't mess the eviction up by cutting to some stupid ads this week. So it's not exactly tense now as it's pretty obvious Jackie's going to go. Pretty big gap on that sofa between Dexter and Callum, ha.
Why did Emma sound so sad when she said Jackie? Fucking pathetic bias. So sick of it.
Piss off, Jackie, you controlling cow. And take your fake smile with you. Emma: 'Jackie, we love you.' Speak for yourself, we just evicted her!
Jackie really thinks Charlie is going to wither and die without her. Guess what, she won't.
I'm surprised Jackie is being nice about Gina, especially after seeing the nomination. I'm glad they showed those clips of her being an overbearing old hag.
Shouting 'off, off, off' at Jackie is a bit silly, though. I mean, does anyone care that much either way?
I'm glad Emma said 'everyone lies in their videos'.
Jackie: 'it's up to Charlie if she wants to go out with Dexter.' Bet you Charlie sleeps in bed with Dexter tonight.
Oh God, what twist are they going to do now? The rape suite - sorry, safe house - is open for business. The housemates get to decide! Fight, fight, fight.
Why are they sending Sophie and Sam in there when they don't even like each other just because Charlie said? It's dumb. They both look miserable.
Ooh, what's going on? HAHAHA Sophie and Sam have put themselves up for eviction! Brilliant. It would be great to get rid of one of them. Hmm, who will they chose to move in with them? Bet it's Callum! Sophie hates Dexter and Sam loves Callum. Ooh, or the twins! That would be good.
This is a good twist, actually, let's ship out the deadwood. I'm glad Dan didn't go in.
Btw, no podcast tonight, I'm afraid as my boyfriend is working but we'll do a catch up one, plus our overdue BBUS one at the weekend, so lots of rubbish for your ears... goodnight!

Big Brother 2013: Soar loser

Ooh I thought that was Patrick Wolf at the beginning but it was just Lana Del Rey. Not as good. So they're going to push all this love triangle shit tonight? I wouldn't mind, but the whole thing is completely imaginary! There's no love, it's just a triangle. And it's not even a piece of Toblerone.
I hope Dexter Febreezes that onesie, or he has several the same. It must reek! He knows he's on TV, right? Do people actually sleep in those things? I'd rather be stabbed in the face than set toe in one. When I am ruler of the world, I will send troops door to door to burn onesies, with their owners still in them, if possible. That will be my first policy.
This waxing thing is cruel! Sam did WELL to not react, waxing HURTS! Dan is whimpering. Not really got the hang of this, has he?
Jackie is enjoying watching Callum suffer. I hate Jackie. Hate her!
LOL Dan is so upset. He's 'using his body to win Big Brother'? Haha. Sam has a high pain threshold.
I hear Jack and Joe crack during their task. One of them is trying much harder than the other.
His mum! 'I want a cuddle! What about the task! Dexter didn't get to cuddle his mum! Sophie didn't get to cuddle her boyfriend?
Twin: 'Are we being funny?!' What is this! SHUT UP.  I thought their parents seemed like arseholes like them. No respect for the rest of the housemates. No respect for the task. Notice how all the others were in the garden, too.
Sophie straight away: 'Did you talk to them?' Dexter and Sophie are PISSED! I don't blame them, why do the twins get separate rules to everyone else? They should have got more shit for that.
I quite liked the barbershop quartet and their 'fake' song, it was really funny. Quite imaginative for BB.
This is a task where Big Brother just makes up if they've passed or failed, right. Even if the permitted number of fails is locked in a box, the amount of fails they accumulated could be completely made up.
Once my boyfriend said to me, 'when I reach forty I'll just lose all of my looks, they will slide off like a disintegrating cliff face'. I think this is is happening to Jackie as we speak.
Dexter is CONSTANTLY looking at the memory wall! They're obsessed with saying who's going when.
The twins finally feel sorry for Dexter being up on the block every week. Callum: 'well, he's made a thing of it.' He's not had much choice!
Callum is talking about 'clicks', whatever they are. Ooh, can't wait to see Callum go off at Jackie.
Twin: 'I've never seen Gina wash her hair.' Know much about hair care for black people, you racist? Give him a warning, ha.
Jackie vs Callum, ding ding! Why DOES Jackie hate Callum so much!? It's so random.
Oh dear, why is Dexter telling Callum he fancies Charlie!?
Why are these women being such wind up merchants? Don't tell me Dexter is falling for it!
I've noticed Callum signs with Sam sometimes, I think that's sweet. Jackie is wrong to step in. At least Callum's bothering to communicate with Sam.
Dear Lord, is Sophie still going on about Dan? Just get over it! Ha, why is Sophie telling Dan she was bitching about him? I thought she'd covered it quite well. Her and the twins are coming over BITTAH.
Dexter is arse-licking Jackie. How come Dexter can get away with all the shit he does and Callum gets constantly 'pummeled' to use the word of the night?
Jackie on the show: 'I won't even watch it.' Whatevs. Ha, Dexter wants his mum to be friends with Jackie.
Uh oh, Dan is having a superior moment. 'I've been in the police for ten years, I've got a son of X age'. So what?!
Oh no, CRINGE! Jackie is telling Callum and Dexter to back off Charlie! Tee hee! This is AWKS. Callum's getting mad! A month of bottled up pleasantness is about to pop!
Ooh, Jackie: 'why don't you just get off the bandwagon?' Haha. at least Callum started that bandwagon, Dexter just climbed aboard.
It was the BEST when Callum said to Jackie: 'I'm not quite finished yet.' Callum finally found his balls, yo!
Ooh, Jackie's raring up! OMG Jackie calling Callum aggressive, are you fucking kidding me? He's Mr Agreeable! Just because he stood up to her for once! She is TEN TIMES more aggressive than him!
How rude of Jackie to say 'you probably won't see Charley again.' Doesn't Charlie decide that? (Probably not).
YES! Go Callum! 'Based on fuck all!' Outbursts. This is the first time he's EVER stuck up for himself! He's right, Jackie DOES try and belittle him. Charlie should stick up for him, but she looks too pissed. Jackie 'can't put her finger' on when Callum's been aggressive. That's because he HASN'T! And this bitch was so far up Daley's arse it was unreal! Talk about can't see the wood for the trees. The woman is a fucking joke. I want rid of her so bad. I wish it was a double so we could kick her and the Humpty Dumpty twins - 'are we funny' NO! - to the kerb.
Callum is the most placid man on TV. He's not aggressive in the slightest. Good on him for finally telling her to STFU.
Where's DI Dan when you need him? Oh, going on about himself in the kitchen. Get your cuffs out, Dan! Callum's getting lairy! He thinks he's in Ayia Napa. Don't apologise, Callum!
'ASK ME HOW I AM.' That was kind of aggressive, in a puny way. Isn't it up to Charlie who she goes out with?
Ha, Callum went all common when he said the words 'council estate.' IS it because he's common Jackie doesn't like him? It's possible. I can't see why else she doesn't like him (don't even MENTION the audition tape). Maybe that IS it. And even if it isn't, smart gameplay from Callum there. Play the council estate sympathy card. It's one thing Dexter and Gina don't have up their sleeve.
Jackie: 'no man has ever done that to me.' Done WHAT to you? Talked back to you? Stood up for himself? Where's Mr Travers again? You're making yourself look a prat, Jackie. I'm looking forward to seeing you get the boot.
Yeah, fuck off to bed, Jackie, you spoilsporting old bitch. Ooh, Charlie said night to Dexter but not to Callum! Ha, Callum trying to demean Dexter by saying he'd 'dripped'. That was PASSIVE aggressive.
I love the fact Dexter's in a position of power now, after being the house worm for three weeks.
Callum: 'You'll step on heads to get where you want to be.' Dexter: 'that's not very nice.' But Dexter said loads of shit to him, too. Callum did try and make amends with Dexter, admittedly after he nominated him face to face, before this stupid Charlie non-triangle.
Callum: 'it's all yours.' I don't think Charlie is yours to give away.
OH GOD, PLEASE STOP MENTIONING CALLUM'S VT. I can't take it anymore. Roses and fairies and dances, oh my!
Hazel feels tubby! Don't tell Wolfy.
Dexter: 'Callum has a question mark over his head.' Is he playing Super Mario?
Oh, Callum, just go to bed, you're digging this hole into a grave. You weren't aggressive, you're just at the end of your rope. Who can blame you? Now get off Charlie's hair unless you have a tint brush in your hand.
There is no 'wow' with Charlie except 'wow, why didn't she get her roots done before she went in the house' or 'wow, why does she think those earrings are a good idea' or 'wow, her mum is a psycho.'
'You will SOAR, Charlie Travers!' Yeah, soar out the house and stop boring me to death. SOAR!

Big Brother 2013: They don't understand you, but I do

I am literally exhausted again from explaining to people that a woman flirting does not give a man a green card to physically threaten her. Apparently 50% of the BB watching public need this spelt out to them. And they say the show has dumbed down on C5! Also, I've been out on the woo woos again so am liable to get a bit lairy. But don't worry, I won't threaten to nut you, even if you take my covers.
OMG Jackie and the twins are sooooooooo funny, said no one, ever. Oh, except BOTS. Get them out, please.
Remote control task. So they're just going to pause the girls in positions where they can perv on them? They did a similar task to this on Big Brother Australia and it was really good. They did it on BB Canada, too, actually. Their tasks seem a lot better than ours. Plus the housemates actually behave themselves.
The Weetos are getting a LOT of exposure this week. Did the Weetabix get ejected?
Sheep in the BB house! Cruel. Have the RSPCA sanctioned this task? Gina does NOT look happy, and I'm not sure if it's the sheep or the dog! Ha, DI Dan missed it all. I hope Jackie has to clean up the shit.
Hazel's moaning that no one's talking about Daley. She'd be moaning if they were, too.
Dexter: 'Poo does not belong in the kitchen.' Tell that to Jay McCray.
It's a health and safety issue making Dan walk up the stairs backwards! Get Mario in.
Ah, they're doing the spray tan schtick with Dan. I like Dan lately! I can't help it. Is Sophie shaving twins hair backwards?
How can people drink tea in hot weather? WRONG! Callum perving over Charlie. Also wrong.
Rylan in the BB yard! With Judy James. Look how skinny she is!
How come Rylan didn't mention that TWINNIES were up for eviction! BIASED. Dan is catching flies!
Jackie: 'not going overboard' - ha! Why DOES Jackie hate Callum so much! Dexter said he was just as much of a playa on his audition tape!
OMG Dexter's mum! Aw, 'I know they don't all understand you in here, but I do.' That's too cute. 'I can see your little chest going up and down, I saw your little streak by the way.' She was so sweet! I wish she was in there instead of Jackie! I thought Dexter's mum would be posh. She seems lovely - a bit Dorian from Birds of a Feather - ultra glam but trashy. Aw, when she said 'I wont see you for a long time' was she giving him a message about him being popular? 'Just remember how much I love you.' How wonderful. I was blubbing! I'm so glad Dexter got that moment. He deserved it.
Sophie's realised Dexter's a human! Well done, thicko. Dexter's getting a great edit tonight. NO LIMITS! Dexter gets 90s Eurodance and the others get the can-can. I know what I prefer. TECHNO TECHNO TECHNO TECHNO!
Dexter: 'I've had a lot of people turn me over'. Haha. Dan can't work out slippery Dexter! My favourite sssssssssnake!
Everytime the twins slag off Dexter (specifically Jack, I've noticed) they hammer another nail in their reinforced coffins.
Sophie's boyfriend! Aw, he's cute. He looks young compared to her. Gina is blubbing. Aw, 'I love you more than you will ever understand.' What a wonderful thing to say. Gina wants to see her boyfriend, I reckon BB deliberately won't, to see if she strops.
I don't get this tennis ball thing, because last time it was obvious Big Brother had done it. Surely they wouldn't be crass enough to write one saying 'Daley has slaughtered Hazel on TV'? That's mind games and then some.
Ha, I like the fact Sophie read it out loud straight away! Aw, Dan, 'Don't tell her that.' Bless him. He really cares about her. Ooh, the other one said 'Jackie will 100% go on Friday.'
Hazel: 'what's it say?' Twin: 'Nothing.' Why would someone throw over a tennis ball with no message on? A homage to Wimbledon, maybe? Greetings from Henman Hill?
The silence in the kitchen is eerie. Dan is happy to read out what the Jackie one said.
Dexter: subtle as a brick: 'It's nothing important.' Now I'd REALLY be worried!
I knew Dan would tell her, he can't resist! Took him about ten seconds. 'Didn't want everyone running you in telling you that...' ...because I wanted to tell you.
Just forget about it! Easier said than done. Imagine if all news was delivered by tennis ball over the garden wall, and then hailed as 100% accurate.
Dan is very astute as to what Daley's motives are. Gina is loving this.
Oh, God, they're going to announce what Daley did to the group. Rather, Dan is. Look at the state of that bathroom floor!
NB: Dan is also loving this. 'Can I have a word' times. He's gone into proper politician mode here. Weather man hands!
Sophie still not accepting what Daley did: 'was it completely serious?' Well, he got removed, didn't he? How rude.
Hazel is drama-queening this up, slightly, but I don't really blame her, she's just been slandered by a piece of sports equipment. New balls, please!
Is Jackie FINALLY jumping off the Daley cheer bus?
WTF is Sophie's problem? Hazel could have been sexually abused for all this bitch knows? Why does she have a divine right to gossip about someone else's business?
Dan's got his proper sneer face on looking at her. Dan WAS actually trying to help Hazel, it's just his natural inclination to patronise. It's not about you, Sophie, you dumbass. You saw your boyfriend today, why don't you just chill out.
Dexter is reserving his right to an opinion on Daley until he gets out. Well, I think that's fair enough. Dexter: 'After a few drinks that could have been any of us.' Not so much.
This tennis ball thing is getting on my nerves. It MUST be BB doing it for storylines! I think that's quite damaging to the emotional health of the housemates to play tricks on them like that. Has that been sanctioned by Dr Funke?
Also, I've said this many times today, but how can there be any justice that Daley gets thrown out for aggression, goes 'I was a bit hungry' and gets 'there, there' from Emma, whereas when Hazel comes out, she'll be lucky not to be shot or burnt at the stake. You'll need subtitles for her interview for all the chanting from that scum crowd.
And as for Emma's despicable 'it takes two to tango' and 'it's 50/50' comments: I hope she realises today just how damaging those words are to women trying to escape abusive men and then thinking, am I partly responsible? I hope she realises what she's done. Sick when you think about it, really. I hope she apologises on BOTS tonight but I won't hold my breath. Night.

Big Brother 2013: You haven't done anything wrong

Nominations plus the Daley fall out; this should be a good show. I've pinpointed what it is that's made this series so good and it's that few big characters being evicted. It could be a VERY different show without Gina, Dexter and even Dan. BB have fiddled with the noms quite a lot, but I think it's paid off.
So Hazel did go back to the safe (!) house after nutgate. The pitchfork crowd will be up in arms! I've literally been defending her all day to WOMEN who think she's responsible for words that come out of Daley's mouth (not even including what he did physically). It's a sad, bitter, petty sexist world we live in.
So glad I don't have to hear Daley's aggressive, horrible voice anymore. Except for when he's on BOTS later and no doubt pretending he's sorry after being told to. I bet a million pounds Hazel still gets dragged through the mud. Let me very clear: I do not LIKE Hazel. But that has NOTHING to do with what Daley did and the sort of man Daley is. Let's not fudge the two issues.
Kick out times again! I wonder if this conversation with Hazel and Dan really took place at the same time as Daley was in the DR. Interesting Hazel said she'd gone off him. Trust Charlie to ruin that conversation. She ruins everything. She's ruining two hairstyles at once on the one head.
Notice they didn't show him slagging off Hazel again! Just jog on in your little shorts, Daley.
I was pleased to hear Hazel say she doesn't want the drama in her life before she even knew he had gone. I knew she wouldn't stand for his crap. She's a ball-buster.
Interesting they kicked Daley out THEN gave Hazel a warning. And we didn't get to see the warning. Ah, I know why. Cos they told her not to tell the other housemates about what Daley did. Right?
Also interesting how in denial the housemates were about the announcement Daley was leaving. They haven't got a clue, have they?
Hazel: 'why are you looking at me? How do I know what the rules are?' Haven't you read the rule book? Vinnie Jones was all over it.
Twins; 'he's not done anything that serious.' How the FUCK do you know, you presumptuous little twits? He could have punched or sexually assaulted Hazel in the SH for all you know, you don't see EVERYTHING! You don't KNOW everything. They are insensitive little twerps. It's not like BB just throws someone out for no reason.
Dan feel like it's real. Dan has spoken.
Dexter, don't blub about Daley. I'm sure you'll be bro's on the outside, bruv (well...)
Notice how Dan's first conclusion was that 'he'd tried it on hard' ie. sexually assaulted her. Daley can't be a stand up chap for that to be the first thing for a fellow housemate to think, can he? Was sad when Hazel said 'I'm going to be in so much trouble' because it's true, she is, unjustly, and she will blame herself, too.
I'd like to have that cuddle with Dan if I was feeling down. I think he can be a good friend. Quite firm at times, but fair (mainly).
I thought Hazel was quite fair in the retelling of the story, she didn't embellish it. I cried then when she told that story. She didn't mean for that to happen. I don't think he did either, but it doesn't matter, HE IS THE ONE WHO DID IT. Have we got that yet?
Dan ALMOST said 'I told you so' but resisted.
That was quite nice when Big Brother said to Hazel 'you don't always have to be fine.'
Will Dan keep the secret?
Hazel on Daley: 'I hope he'll be OK.' Daley on Hazel last night: 'She's a devious person.' Prediction of Daley on BOTS tonight: 'I'm sorry, I was under a lot of stress etc.'
How could anyone defend a man who's first thought when being ejected was to blame his victim? It makes me sick to my stomach.
I'm glad Gina interrupted Charlie's boring girl-band tales by getting attacked by some wildlife.
I don't see why Hazel can nominate; Dexter and Gina couldn't last week.
NOMS! Twins did Dexter and Callum and I wrote that before they even spoke. I hate their speaking in unison in the DR, it's not cute. I would like to see them shown the door this week.
Callum did Dexter, probably because he's got better dress sense that him. Yay, he did Jackie, too. Don't blame him, she treats him like crap. Yeah he wants Charlie to 'come out of her shell'. Come out of her knickers more like.
Jackie nommed Gina for being unhygienic. Don't you get it, Gina is not going to go? Are you stupid or something, Grandma? She nominated Callum for being too keen to ride the bike when people need to do their hair. Callum; YOU BASTARD. You're no better than Hitler!
Was nice when one of those twins cuddled Hazel. I hope they've not been going on at her about what the reason is. Hazel looks good with that high ponytail. So what if Daley's Sam's best friend! He's GONE!
Back to noms: Sophie did Callum for being 'biggy big bollocks' whatever than means. She also did Dexter because she's a prick.
Charlie: 'there's some really great people in here, it's hard to nominate.' Gina: laughs in her face. I love Gina!
Dan nommed Callum. Oh God, are they STILL going on about Callum's audition tape three weeks later? That should be invalid! GET OVER IT.
Ooh, Dan nommed the twins over DEXTER. Brilliant. But he hates Joe more. I still don't know who's who, but Joe, you've fucked it for Jack. Oh, Joe's the fatter one. I think the fatter one is the gay one?! I don't know, though.
Sam nominated Dexter. Aw, that makes me sad after the chat I saw with them the other night. Ha, he called Dexter 'smarmy.' Dexter is smarmy, a bit. Sam also nominated Gina. Haven't you worked out Dexter and Gina aren't worth nominating?
Gina nommed Jackie in Nikki Grahame style. Gina nominated the twins! Yes, glad she didn't nominate Dexter. Ah, Gina likes Jack more than Joe, too. Joe, you're dragging the twin alliance down, mate.
Charlie nominated Callum because she's a heartless bitch. I hate the way she goes on between him and Dexter. Ooh, she nominated the twins, too. Ha, she nominated the twins for calling her boring. Well, they called that right. Twins got more than I thought.
Hazel looks good today, like a wronged Lara Croft. She nominated Gina and Callum.
Why is Charlie going sniffing round Callum after she nommed him? I really don't like her.
Dexter's noms: Callum (because he wants to fuck Charlie). Dexter is nominating Callum for being manipulative! That's rich. Oh no, Dexter nominated Gina! Disappointed face. D&G is ovah!
Dexter's getting told off by him - sorry, Charlie's - mum. Chip-gate! Sam's face during the Jackie and Dexter's argument was funny. Jackie is enjoying arguing with Dexter!
I don't know why Callum is surprised to be up. I love Gina's reactions to nominations. I'd be up every week if I was in that house, too! I don't know why Hazel is hugging Callum, she nominated him.
Twins: 'it's obvious who's done it.' Jackie: 'Jack and Joe, you will not go. That's 100%.' Move over, Wolfy, there's a new optimist in town!
Good to see the twins UTC and depressed a bit; they're quite happy to put Dexter on the rack every week.
Ah, they're doing reverse psychology: 'we knew we wouldn't make it to the final.' At least the twins can go stuff their faces to their hearts content when they leave. That's all they care about anyway.
Callum: 'I'm done with this house anyway. I'm not done with it, I'd love to stay.'
I thought Gina was going to laugh about the twins faces when she said they were up, but she said she felt bad! Gina is in proper 'It's so cooooooooooold' mode tonight.
Twin about Dexter: 'if there's any justice he will leave.' No, if there's any justice, it will be a double and we can kick out two for the price of one with you are your sour-faced brother, plus the mother no one asked for. Vote twins and Jackie to save Gina and Dexter, please.
Oh God, time for the Daley show. I need a drink.

Big Brother 2013: Daley bailed

Weeeeeeeeell, the slut shack worked out well, didn't it? Not exactly a shock to see Daley out on his ear, after his antagonistic behaviour the night before. I'm not sorry to see the end of Romeo and Juliet, I must admit. I am disgusted with some of the comments I've seen about Hazel; and there's been a lot of them. Victim blaming is alive and well, as if you didn't know. 'She led him on, she drove him to it, he had pent up rage.' It would be funny if it wasn't so horrific.

It's always the quiet ones, isn't it? I remember last year Conor didn't speak for about a month then BAM. Pent up rage indeed! Women hating, more like.

I notice Hazel has less make up today on than normal! Doing as she's told.

Job interview task! Daley: you're fired. I liked the way Dexter shook hands; it was confident. I thought they already showed Charlie nominating Callum! 

Why does everyone hate Callum so much?! Looks like he's going to be up this week. Yeah Callum, why can't you be more nasty like Daley? Jackie seems less adverse to a Dexter son in law than a Callum son in law. 

Gina, who do you dislike in the house? 'Hazel, Hazel, Hazel.' Ace.

Hazel calling Gina 'boring'! That's the last thing she is.

Dexter and Callum having a little dig at each other, I've been waiting for this moment. Womaniser, womaniser, etc.

How will we be able to tell the difference when Callum is 'overly complimenting' Charlie?

Ad break: I want to kill every last person in this McDonalds advert! I'm praying for a knife crime. Don't care if it's the creepy old man or the cliched estate kids. Shoot the lot of them dead.

Also, I don't require MEAT in my crisps, thanks! Why not try reducing the fat in them a bit?

Shows what a sadistic pair Daley and Hazel are putting Charlie and Callum on a date together and making Dexter be the butler. 

Charlie, you could have combed your hair for the date, and you've got a face like a bag of spanners. Poor Callum, dragged through the mud again.

Callum: 'wake up in the morning, self doubt.' That sounds pleasant! Does he follow that with a shot of vodka? He feels worthless! Aw. This speech doesn't even feel real. 'I invested in you.' She's not a bank!

Callum is having a loo cry whilst Dexter has a piece of Charlie. Charlie LOVES the attention of having Callum and Dexter fighting over her!

Sam: 'have you been crying?' Callum: 'NO! It's my lenses.' Dexter trying to crawl round Jackie, haha. 

Things they cut out of the Hazel/ Daley fight that I saw on the live feed: him swearing on his kids lives, him going 'bitches be crazy' and counting down agitatedly because Hazel was chatting in the garden with Charlie for 20 minutes when he obviously wanted some attention. They also had an argument about what colour the Irish flag was for about 15 minutes.

OK, so it definitely started out as a play fight, but we all know that ends in tears. Cover-gate! 

If someone said to me 'I go mad' I wouldn't say 'go for it' if I was Hazel. This is a girl who's never been in an abusive relationship. Seems like she she was getting off on it a bit, and I hate to say that. But that DOES NOT MEAN she is to blame.

When he grabbed her throat, they were KIND of messing around. I don't know why he said 'I'm going to nut you one'. Argh, I don't want to defend him but there was a bit of a grey area there. It wasn't quite Charles Saatchi. But it was horrible. 

Weird the way Hazel went to sit on that chair so suddenly, and she looked a bit twitchy. Maybe she was laughing nervously before? Maybe she was more scared than she let on?  

Daley: 'Did I say anything offensive?' Er, yeah! He was so drunk, he probably doesn't even realise what he said.

Daley: 'Aggressive?' Argh, Hazel looks nervous. I think she knows it went over the line. She's rattled.

Hazel in the DR will be what seals Daley's fate. Yep, she sealed it. 

Ha, Hazel got a warning, too. So she's getting a bit of the blame. This will feed the vultures nicely. 

Daley gets called to the diary room looking like a prawn. Weird when BB reads your word back to you, isn't it?

Oh shit! Big Brother told him Hazel said she felt threatened! They shouldn't have said that. He will BLAME HER! This is so wrong. It was HIM, not HER. She MUST have been called into the diary room today and asked again if she felt uncomfortable around him, right?

Daley has a point with 'how come we were cuddling afterwards'? It DID start off as a joke. But that joke isn't funny anymore. It's quite good really, because it shines a light on what goes on behind closed doors if that can happen on TV, and how quickly someone can become out of control.

Now here's the crux. He's the real Daley: 'I want everyone to know Hazel is the most devious person, and a liar as well.' Finally - we see it. It's all her fault. Daley's innocent. He'll run back to the girlfriend. They'll live happily never after. And Hazel: burn the witch. These sexist cunts have already got their pitchforks ready. Oh, Daley. Why couldn't you just have said sorry and gone out with a modicum of respect?

Just saw the bit on BOTS where they told the house and they didn't believe Saint Daley could have been ejected. But WHY did Hazel pretend not to know why? That was the perfect opportunity for her to hint at something horrible but unmentionable that Daley had done and set herself up for the sympathy vote. Bad strategy. Bad taste in men.

I really hope Dexter's girfriend doesn't take him back, but I fear she will. This horrible man won't learn his lesson. Hazel will be slut-shamed forever. And someone like the twins or Sophie will win the show.

I wonder what the twist was going to be tonight? I still think it was Daley's girlfriend going in. I wonder what will happen with nominations. I wish they'd give them a week off, to be honest. I feel like I need a week off for good behaviour!

Bye Daley. Sorry we didn't get to boo the fuck out of you, you massive misogynistic prick. 

Big Brother 2013: It's 2013, love

Jackie has woken up crying! Ooh did Dan really leave his job to go on BB? I thought he must have left the police force already. Maybe Dan can be the new Rav Wilding, ha.
Jackie wants to go. Let's get rid now, please. Pack your belongings (one-handed) and leave.
I am disgusted with Hazel and Daley going in the safe house and I genuinely believe it's a fix, and I never believe that. Why would people vote for someone who nearly left last week to have immunity? Because they want to see two horrible people have sex? It's not just senseless but it's short sighted putting these selfish idiots in the safe house! Their main targets will be Gina and Dexter. Why was the vote open for such a short time? It STINKS, it really does. I'm quite pissed off about it. My only thought is that they're setting them up for a fall and they're going to parachute the girlfriend in. It's the only reasoning I can think of.
Charlie knows exactly what she said last night. Why does everyone think they can talk to Dexter like he's a piece of crap? I saw a really nice bit on the live feed with Dexter giving career advice to Sam. I like Sam more now.
They have misconstrued what Daley said on the clip, he meant he would see Dexter after, not that he wouldn't see him again. Gina just misunderstood it, there was no malice there.I don't like Dexter going against Gina to kowtow to Hazel! Doesn't he realise D&G are the dream team?
Hazel and Daley have 'drawn a line in the sand with all of that carry on'. Did the tide come in?
Suddenly the housemates are getting moralistic about Hazel and Daley because of them going in the slut shack; it's been going on for a week! Have you only just noticed it's gross? Wake up, humans.
Daley, the man of the house: 'It's 2013, love, equal rights.' The most ironic sentence spoken yet and yet he's too stupid to even realise why.
Dan's got his nose in someone else's business as usual! Makes a change. Listen to how much everyone's mentioning the girlfriend! This is a total set up; they're going to put her in. And if it hasn't crossed Hazey's mind, they're brainless.
Why does Daley always talk in a combative manner, even when he's just talking about nothing? The man is a total pig. I can't STAND him.
Is Sophie wearing one of Wolfy's old tie-dye blankets? Bonding with Sam? She must be bored. I'm glad Sam has some moral fibre. It's unexpected.

Daley: 'don't look but I'm going to get my bits out.' OK. *Doesn't look*.
Gina on using a dustpan and brush: 'Oh, it's working!' What did she expect to happen?
Dan, don't worry about Hazey. They've made their bed. Let's hope they spontaneously combust in it.
Callum, your chance of planting a seed in Charlie is over. Mum there or not, you're fucked. Also, that was nominations talk! My boyfriend said they should send them to jail for that conversation and announce what was said to the house, like they do. Can you imagine Jackie's face when they went 'At 11.15 Sam said 'get the mum out'? LOL.
Callum can't have kept his act up THAT well during auditions, I think Big Brother must have known most of it was a 'persona'. Maybe that's why they found him interesting. Callum commenting on Charlie's 'rear end' - ugh! 'I'm not talking catwalk model skinny.' Charming! Is he 'negging' Charlie with his 'face for radio' comment? Oh DEAR. Smooth, Callum! Smooth. What's up with him, is he drunk?
Daley was quite sharp making Dexter streak around the garden! Hilarious. Look at them all lined up! OMG that was genius, I just cried with laughter. Why was Dexter singing R Kelly? Why did he have a picture of himself stuck to his chest? Why was he covering up his bum hole? Did he really go round the garden that many times? The best 60 seconds of TV all week. Gina's face was a picture. He's a bit chubbier than I thought he would be, he looks tiny in clothes! That's the only good thing Daley's done in the house; made Dexter strip. Dan didn't look too impressed; probably because he wasn't centre of attention for a second.

In the slut shack, Hazel and Daley are about to have the 'conversation' I saw on live feed where he basically told her he doesn't want her to wear make up, she doesn't need to worry so much about her career and various other things for about 30 minutes, all of which were raging red flags screaming CONTROL FREAK. Why do these sort of guys go for glamour girls then try and change them? if you like 'natural beauty' so much, why not go out with a plain Jane? Because he's a controlling cunt, that's why. She's not 'missing the point.' I think she got the point perfectly. He's a freak. Run for your life, Hazel. Get a restraining order. You can tell by her face she was freaked out by it. That would be enough to put me off him forever. And I don't think Hazel's that stupid. Sure, she wants to fuck him. But I don't think she really wants to be with this guy. Who would?
Daley really knows how to woo a girl, doesn't he? He's all charm! Why is Hazel even bothering to still try and get him into bed? I think she just sees him as a conquest. Once she's proved she can have him, he'll be done.Daley 'will not get under the covers.' Cut to... Daley under the covers.
PS: Watch the live feed on the Channel 5 website! It's really good! Night.

Big Brother 2013: Inspector Clueless

We've been watching live feed! Charlie is a cow! She's sold Dexter down the river. What does he see in her? She's got a permanent hangdog expression, spindly eyelashes and she's obviously going to turn into Jackie sooner rather than later. I can't stand her, she's the new entry at the top of my hate list! Also, I wish everyone would shut up about food on the live feed! It's all they ever talk about. Just feed these fuckwits!
Dan's drama about trainee policeman he was talking about writing sounds good/awful. It's interesting to hear them talk about shit like that anyway. And it's good not to have to look at Wolfy anymore.
Dexter: 'I feel like someone got an ice cream scoop and cut out my insides.'That would take a while.
Callum's almost got normal colours on today. We think a bum bag would look good with his usual garb. Dexter says Callum's a 'smorgasbord of personalities.' And clothes choices. Dan and Dexter are bonding over their Callum dislike.
Did Daley just refer to himself as a 'pretty boy'? Who told him that!?
It is hilarious giving Dan the detective task - inspired! There have been some good editorial decisions this year, I must admit. The show has been produced much better than last year, ie. with some care. Hopefully they learnt some lessons from last year. They couldn't have fucked it up much more.
Have they given Dan a notebook?! Is he rooting through the bins? Is he going to stop and search someone? He'll probably try and stitch Daley up for it cos he's black. Ah, Dan proved his detective skills. Dan's working out in front of the mirror, jungle cats style.
Dexter's gameplan has gone bananas! He honestly thinks the world revolves around him. I hate people who talk about 'girlfriend material' because that implies some people are just 'spunk material' or something else material.
Dexter wants walks along the beach and the '10 minutes after sex where you stare at each other'. That 10 minutes normally involves someone happily rolling a fag in my house.
Wow, Wolfy is wearing a scrunchie! WTF. Aw, it meant more to her than a lot of people in the house. Well, boo woo. See you later, you fake, lying mess. They should have dug her out about fatgate in her eviction interview, too.
Fucking hell man, Callum's leg is going like the clappers! This is a man under the cosh. Hazel looks nice in her outfit. Shame about the clown make up.
Why are the twins and Daley all wedged in that tiny sofa?! There's three spare chairs there! It's like when someone sits next to you on the bus when there's seats free. What did that person in the crowd shout? It sounded like 'Hazel is evil.'
The twins, 'we love you, Wolfy.' Why did you vote her out then? They're just as arrogant as her, and nearly as vile.
I really like Dan's floral shirt!
I wonder if Gina really feels bad about not saving Wolfy? Dexter's Titanic style cufflinks!
Why is Gina upset about the safe house? Was she expecting to live in the safe house forever?! She's not going to get to enjoy that silky sheet after all! I love the fact she wants to go back in and sod everyone else.
Bed wars! Jackie's got a sick note. Gina's not bothered. Fuck you, Jackie!
Jackie and Charlie's DR bicker! God, if my mum spoke to me like that I'd get emancipated.
Daley gave Dexter some good advice: 'try and get in with Jackie.' Ha! Charlie DOES give Dexter mixed signals a bit.
Gina, get a grip. You're going to have to enjoy the ambiance of the main house again. Eat your Weetabix.
I want Dexter and Dan to become friends! I liked their little cuddle. Ironically, Charlie was running Dexter's name into the ground in the bedroom as this chat was happening. In fact, Charlie did not shut up all night. I can only imagine what she was like on drugs. Mind you, having Jackie as a mum would drive you to drugs.
Surely Hazel and Daley can make their OWN mind up about what to do about their own tawdry little dalliance? Why do they need Dexter's opinion/approval either way?
Tree house truth times! Charlie: 'you're cold, cutting, gameplaying, untrustworthy.' Love you, too!
Sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssnake. Well, rather a snake than a sour-faced shrew. Jog on, skunky.