Celebrity Big Brother 2014 Redux: Pratt's all, folks

Oh, hiya. You still watching? After the amazing Frenchy has gone? Me, too! What a waste, though. What a great housemate she was. I thought vote to save was meant to kill off the deadwood? I don't understand the voting public anymore, I really don't. I am out of touch with popular opinion, thank fuck.
On the subject of deadwood, anyone voting for Ricci and Lauren should have their fingers removed for their own good. But I see they've got 600K followers and 1.2m followers respectively and my heart sinks. Will someone I enjoy ever win Big Brother again?
Beware the unofficial apps! Makes a change from 'Beware the ides of Nicola T', I suppose (Stephen Baldwin reference for you, there, oldies).
Ooh a house divide! About time. How entitled of Edele to go 'the same amount of people voted for me as Gary'. Fuck off! But don't fuck off as much as Dee. Like a less cute Jabba the Hutt on 20 Superkings a day, barking in Gary's face for no particular reason. Seriously, what have we done to deserve her? And she's third favourite to win? Sign me up to Dignitas, pronto. I'll walk there if I have to.
Audley sticking up for Gary for being 'old' and 'set in his ways'. So what's everyone else's excuse for being such a dick in there?
OMG why are Dee and Lauren talking about Gary when he's sitting right there?! Rude fuckers. I wish they'd both drop dead, to be honest. Rotten people. Make Gary a sandwich! Would it really kill you? It's not like you've got anything better to do in there.
They're evicting someone quickly into the show! James and Kellie picking up some boos. Stephanie getting mixed boos. Bewitched: deathly silent. Haha, James was one of two with the most votes. Hilarity. What wags are voting for him?!
Gary is drinking tea while waiting to find out if he's safe. Better than eating an apple, right?
Ha, Kellie went 'Being the bad guy has paid off.' to James. She's not wrong actually. I must admit, I've been warming to James a little this week, he makes me laugh calling out Kellie and Audley, but I think it's just because everyone else is SO deathly dull. At least James owns being an arsehole. He doesn't pretend he's some salt of the earth bullshit like Fake Dee.
Ah a classic shitstir task. They have to fill in a survey slagging each other off. Good stuff!
James is calling Audley out for the cooking strategy ie. doing a Vinnie Jones. LOL James is trying to pin insulting Audley on George. Funny.
Frenchy was right, George and James ARE ganging up on Audley! Audley declaring George has a drinking problem. Ace.
James being mean about Lauren's drinking! 'Popping tits out by mistake'. But he wouldn't admit to it! Coward.
Sweet, Gary is putting Dee on blast! 'A world of anger'. Gary not admitting to his feedback. See, he DOES know what goes on. I'm glad he called her out. Says a lot that he doesn't dare say it to her directly because she's so rude, though. Mother figure indeed!
I'm tired of James vs Kellie and James vs Audley, to be honest. James just wants a row all the time, and he gets the airtime. 'I have friends and a family who care about me' to Kellie is a low blow, I'm sure she does, too. I think James's strategy is to get either Audley or Kellie to knock him clean out, and to be honest, I wouldn't mind watching that.
Oh, now James is coming clean to Lauren, after the fact. He's basically slut-shaming Lauren, saying she can't get her body out 'in case they edit it' to make him look bad to his wife. Dumb. He's just the morality police, the sex police.
I don't think I've seen Geordie Shore once this episode. Good job keeping him over Frenchy, bitches. Monster fail.
James, you don't need an education to be good at arguing. That's a street skill.
I like Audley calling James out for not standing up and admitting his comments to Lauren. James: 'Are you trying to be more interesting now?' Rude cunt. Arguing and disagreeing with everyone isn't interesting. It's tiring. What is James's problem with Audley? Why is he always needling him? God, I hope Audley doesn't go now, or James will be insufferably smug.
Eviction time! OMG, Stephanie is out. Oh well, I do think we'd seen all were going to get out of her. But another American evicted! What gives? Also, she's more interesting than either Edele or Kellie.
Stephanie is beautiful (before and after surgery) but rotten on the inside. You will never be clean, Stephanie. That dirt is in your black heart. At least James will be pissed off she's gone.
Stephanie saying Gary is really mean! Noooo. We've never seen it. She likes George 'as a friend'. No kidding.
Emma getting off the fence there and calling James out a bit to Stephanie, interesting. She obviously hates him, then.
I don't remember Stephanie saying 'we're sick of seeing your cock and balls' in her nomination to Gary, lol.
Emma: 'Would you like to know a secret?' Is it that you can't deviate from the autocue even when Stephanie's already told you she thinks it's a double? If so, that's not a secret.
Ooh just noticed Edele's dress, it looks rather nice. Can someone get Gary a new coat, please? That one is getting more wear than Kevin Webster's.
Oh, Kellie's out! Can't say I'm sorry. Except it's more grist to James's mill of bolshiness. Oh, nice of James to say she looked amazing, like when he called her babe one time, I thought that was decent of him. Aw, that was sweet, the goodbye with Kellie and Audley. Very classy all round. I like her exit music too, and she does look nice. She was just a bit of a draining housemate but I'll put it down to hormones and having to live with James, it can't be easy. I'm glad Kellie didn't get too badly booed, she's fragile.
Kellie: 'I went into the house drunk.' Fair play. She's raising awareness of the transgender community... is Nadia forgotten so quickly? She was a trailblazer for trans people over a decade ago. Luke A won the show with a dual strategy of smoking and not being Conor. Big Brother is very trans-friendly and always has been (except when Coolio's around), it's actually one place we don't need the education.
Surprise surprise, James is sensitive about being perceived as gay.  Kellie going on about Gary being nasty, too. Why are we not being shown it? Kellie has forgotten what happened yesterday. This interview is DRY. Zzzz.
Ugh, a pro Dee question. Yeah, even Jabba the Hutt was nice to people when he wanted a hit on his bong.
I was glad Kellie said she would have been better going in six months down the road, because I think that was apparent. 
Fuck me, did Edele dodge a bullet there, or what? Gary for the win! He needs the money for a new coat! Do they even get anything for winning?! There must be a bonus or something... or is just the faulty fireworks display and bus fare home? Night!

Celebrity Big Brother 2014 Redux: Throw me under the Busey

Welcome! It's been a great week for arseholery in the Big Brother house. I read today someone saying 'Why should everyone be judged on how they treat Gary in the house? Can't we concentrate on their other characteristics?' And the answer is: no. Because it tells you all you need to know about someone's character how they treat an old disabled man. I'm not saying Gary is easy to live with. I think Gary is grumpy and self-centred (as well as brilliantly funny and mesmerising). However, when you're shouting at an old man so much your veins are popping out in your neck, or saying an old man is a bad role model for burping when you and your braindead cronies fuck on TV for money, then you make it my problem. Then I'm judging ALL of you, including those just sitting there, saying nothing. Especially you! And how does cheeky Gogglebox George 'aw isn't he sweet?' get away with nominating Gary for being deaf? Audley's nomination of Kellie WAS discrimination. George's nomination of Gary WAS discrimination. Let's not be shy in calling a spade a spade. This is before we even get into James and the way he treats Gary, and the fact that despite constantly condescending him, treating him like he's two and telling him off, James is actually Gary's best friend in the house. I think Gary actually LIKES James. I don't know why, either.
Just a couple of hours of live feed (with adverts) showed you all you needed to know about these contestants, and they are rotten. They only people who didn't nominate Gary are Frenchy and Claire. Bewitched and Dee pretend they're peacemakers, whilst snipping at Gary at the same time. Meanwhile, despite burping, shhing people, interrupting and apparently, stinking, Gary comes across as the most pleasant, forgiving and loyal person in the house. His one liners are bordering on genius. Just looking at him in the background of a scene is more interesting than a whole conversation between Ricci, Lauren, Claire, Dee... should I go on?
Onto tonight's show! George is brave telling James he comes across condescending. James as usual doesn't listen.
I liked James saying to Kellie she shouldn't leave because of Audley. Kellie is such a drama queen. But Kellie has every right to be annoyed about being nominated because she's trangender. 'Audley tolerates me, he doesn't accept me.' I think that's true, you know. I liked Kellie saying, 'you should have talked to me m... woman to man.' That's not an expression people use, is it, 'man to woman'. Men talk to each other MAN TO MAN. Women aren't involved in those chats.
Kellie makes a good point about if she'd said something about Audley being black, or Leslie being gay. But you know what, I think they put Audley in there to set him up for a fall. I think he's dealing with it the best he can. I do believe him when he says 'I'm on your side' to Kellie. He seems like a nice guy, really.
It was brave of Audley to say 'everything I've grown up with I've had to reject.' It takes a lot to admit that everything you've always thought is wrong, but it makes you a better person on the other side of it.
Bless Gary saying he's going to change his ways to George. Doesn't he say that every day though?! Haha! Stay just as you are, Gary. Why does he have to change, but no one else does! He's fine the way he is.
Leslie moaning about being hungry; how did David cope in there! David; remember him? Me either.
Gary is having a laugh with Bewitched. Never washed up! Pull the other one.
Stephanie, you ARE gonna look mean because of the Gary stuff. Because you ARE mean!
Frenchy saying 'shut up bitches' to the booing crowd is class. Ha to the shock of Leslie and Kellie getting booed. Gary's got his sunglasses on. So's Audley. 'Get Kellie out'. Lovely. Kick a girl while she's down!
George is safe 'in no particular order' ie. Gary was saved first. Gary and Audley also safe. Those sunglasses must be deflecting the eviction.
Stephanie: 'Audley told me I need to keep my temper down.' Dee: 'No you don't.' Then Dee has a massive go at him for touching the pizza 'because of Stephanie.' No, because you're Vinnie Jones/ Pauline.
Gary cleaning the kitchen top was cute, if it wasn't for the others all taking the piss out of him as he did it. George gets right on my wick now. 'Doesn't have time' to talk to Gary. He's not even a smoker. (Chris joke there).
Gary and Frenchy - 'I'm a French pussycat.' Meow! Shades of George Galloway here. Frenchy actually talks to him like a fellow human. It's lovely to see.
Oh George, Stephanie isn't going to go out with you. You're not going to get past Spencer. You're not even going to get past your own mum and dad, and your mum's usual response to things is 'aww, isn't she lovely?'
They are trying to show Stephanie 'having fun' dressing up to save her, I guess. George ogling her and then saying: 'Can I have a hessian sack and a cable tie?' Is that a rape joke! Dear Lord. What a loveable cheeky chappie, hey?
Oh, Kellie, stop moaning! You're getting on my nerves. 'Everyone can nominate me'. You're not allowed to say that, are you?
Did you see Stephanie and George staring into each other's eyes when they were waiting for the announcement? It almost looked like the look of love... could believe it if she wasn't a Pratt. She's shrewd!
Leslie got the chop! 'I'm evicted?' Haha, he couldn't believe it. His little bottom lip went out and everything. You GOTTA GO, Leslie! No deciding who's in the final for you. Well unless you vote from home. or the Travelodge. That's warmed my heart, actually. The power housemate twist strikes again! It's always the way. This is a good result.
Leslie is going to take things on board. That's good to know. His clips of him throwing a strop were brilliant! He did have the good grace to look appalled. I think we saw the best/worst of Leslie in those few days.
Emma needs to correct Leslie, he was voted most entertaining BEFORE he started acting the goat.
At least Leslie said he was sorry about Gary, even if he did caveat it with a few things.
Fuck me, Emma actually mentioned the live feed. Astonishing.
No podcast tonight, btw, for those who listen, hopefully it will be this weekend  as Mr. Bile is working. I haven't even see the last two BBUS so I'm really twitching. No spoilers please!
Oh well, off to the scrapheap for you, Leslie. That tenner I put on Gary at 10/1 is looking sweeter every day. Meow! =^‥^=

Celebrity Big Brother 2014 Redux: It hurts my heart

Did they rename Big Brother 'Pick on a pensioner' when I wasn't looking? It's not the best, is it? Twice now I've had to rewind incidences of people picking on Gary to get the full horror of it. Not much fun, really.
If Frenchy is 38, I'm 12. She's more like 50. She fancies Ricci and Lauren. There's no accounting for taste, is there, both of them
Why is James bothered about George calling Audley 'Audrey'? What is his problem, as if we don't know! I'm surprised he can cope with Kellie in there. He seems like like people being in strict boxes.
George: 'I'm only good at running if it's to the pub or away from the police.' Love it.
Ugh, shopping task times. Casting couch! I'm surprised they're not doing a shitstirring task first off, they normally do.
I bet Gary Busey goes through a lot of toothpaste. He's got some gnashers on him. Gary drinking the vinegar! Well, he's drank worse, I'm sure. I like the team of Gary and Stephanie. They should team up, not separate! Gary is hilarious. I love the fact they're both going for it! I hope Mark isn't watching. He'll be gagging like hell.
Leslie can't sleep, bless him.
So Kellie is now a lesbian, not a heterosexual male, as Claire said. It IS confusing, though. I don't see why she should spend her life alone.
It is cruel making Lauren and Ricci read this stuff off the autocue, but quite funny, too. I hate that expression 'getting mortal'. It makes me think of that bedwetter who won it. So Ricci has a tiny penis! Doesn't surprise me. Lauren's face is endlessly fascinating.
Lauren saying it's sad that young girls want to be reality TV stars! What?!
Oh, here comes the Gary bashing! They edited the conversation weird so you couldn't really tell what was happening, but from the point we saw, it's just pack mentality. Gary probably 'shh's people because he can't hear unless one person is talking.
David/ Tornado doesn't think he should wait until someone's finished to talk. Er...?
What's Kelly Brook done to deserve this cunt? Seriously! How rude is he? Gary is deaf and you're talking too fast, you chump! I can barely understand what this creep is saying, no wonder Gary can't. Why is Gary having  to apologise to these horrible people? I like the way he went 'I know your limitations' to David, as if to say, 'I know you're a fucking idiot.'
Bewitched looks pissed off in the background. If she opens her mouth she could actually grab a few votes, rather than just sitting there like H from Steps. Dee was frowning, too.
Oh God, here comes James now. A tag team of tossers. I feel sad that Gary doesn't think we have freedom of speech in this country because these twats are bullying him.  'You're not in America!' No, he's a guest in our country! He's a deaf old man. Be polite, you fucking disgrace.
Gary: 'I'm not shhing you people, I'm being interrupted.' Welcome to Big Brother. No one listens.
I love Gary's comebacks. He says really barbed things and they don't even listen. 'It hurts my heart.' Aw.
Then they're all in the kitchen bitching about him. FFS, what a bunch of cunts. I hope they all die, seriously. Have some respect.
OMG even Leslie is having a dig at Gary now. Fucking hell. Is there no solidarity?! The way he just spoke about Gary was horrible. He's a has been? At least he was a WAS at some point! Who are you?! A never was? Little prick. Horrible man. And saying 'he's got to go' is talking about nominations as far as I'm concerned. No, YOU gotta go. Now don't get me wrong, I'm sure Gary isn't easy to live with. But cut him some slack, please.
Aw, I'm glad Kellie and Claire are backing Gary up. Gary needs someone to talk slowly to him and just give him some time and attention. That's all he needs. He is rude, but he's a deaf old man, FFS.
OMG I just got faith back in Big Brother! They told James off for ostracising Gary. They did it in quite a smart way, too, like not a tell off, but 'can you make sure the other's aren't being idiots' when he's the ringleader of the tormentors. Very shrewd. I'm so glad they did that, I was getting shades of Shilpa Shetty there. I did not like that one bit.
James's response: 'He could be ostracised if he continues to speak to people the way he speaks to them.' How about the way YOU speak to people, you jumped up piece of crap? 'Show respect, care and understanding.' It's sad they have to be told that, isn't it? Really sad. But really amazing that Big Brother actually DID something for once rather than letting us just watch in horror.
Eww, is George sucking Frenchy's toes?! Dear God. Oh and now Lauren talking about her sex life with Mark Wright. Spare me. Hope Tina's not watching.
Leslie's being kept awake at 3am, boo woo. I hope they keep you up all night, Leslie, you nasty little git. Serves you right for picking on a deaf person. Quite ironic, really! Haha. Now Leslie's waking everyone else up by shouting. Irony! I bet Gary's asleep, ner! I'm surprised they let him sleep in the sky pod or whatever it's called. Should pack him off to a hotel, the nasty little shit.
No eviction tomorrow! Please make it vote to save, Big Brother! Gary FTW.

Celebrity Big Brother Redux 2014: You're emotionally bent

Interesting the way Kellie talks about 'Frank' as if he's a separate person, isn't he? I find it fascinating. 'I've won and I've lost.' It's really emotive, but it doesn't feel like an act when she talks about it. Dee seems genuine and warm, too. She seems genuinely interested in what Kellie has to say.
Gary is giving a very heartfelt speech in the Diary Room, saying he loves everyone and his experience was 'set up by the angels'. Let's see how long that lasts. I hate this James guy, he's coming across like a mighty prick.
I wish they'd get a clue that this Duchess thing is not necessary and give it a rest. I find it so boring, when the dynamic is already really interesting, it actually puts a spanner in the works.
I'm not finding the highlights clips very interesting so far, is this the best they've got? Gary in a wig, Audley talking about his childhood, I'm sure it must have been more interesting than this yesterday. Even this crystal meth chat feels quite dull.
They're talking about Gary being mean but I've not seen him being mean. Gary on death: 'Don't expect a tragedy here'. He's the king of the acronym. I like his tall stories and his spiritual nonsense. It beats Mark's tea leaves.
What's the deal with this James guy? Methinks he's after some air time! It wouldn't take a genius to work our who the star of the show is, and it's not his boring arse.
The Duchess crap is finally over. Well done, you fooled two old age pensioners and one loopy French woman. Gary doesn't have a clue what day of the week it is, bless him.
I love the way Kellie talks about her kids! It's really loving. Everyone has treated her really respectfully, too.
Oh here we go. OK, I've watched this twice to make sure I've made sense of what happens. Gary to James: 'You are gay, aren't you?' It's a fairly innocent question, as James is a professional dancer, and a gay friend of mine thought he was gay, too (yes I have gay friends. Just like James does, ha.) James's instant reaction to that was 'fuck off.' Not, 'oh a lot of people say that.' 'Not, no, I'm straight actually.' But 'fuck off.' As if being gay is really offensive. So let's put the next part of the conversation into context. James is so fucking patronising. 'I have gay friends.'
Gary: 'So you're not afraid to get butt-fucked in the air?' Ok, I think Gary WAS joking, but I think he WAS trying to wind James up, too. 
'I've never hit a 70 year old before.' Charming. He didn't like that buttfuck comment, did he, not at ALL! What James said was very threatening.
James: 'I don't mind a cheeky little finger.' OK then. So straight people are allowed to do that, but no butt-fucking?
James: 'When I'm talking, you listen. Look at me when I'm taking to you.'
Gary: 'You do get buttfucked in your imagination.' 
James: 'You should be careful what you say.' That was a direct threat. Gary: 'You should be careful what you take seriously.'
Gary is mental, contradicts himself ALL the time! But I like him. He's the best one. I THINK Gary was joking, he just said it very dryly. Lauren actually defended Gary then, yay: 'that's what Gary's like.' I like Gary saying he couldn't remember what he said, but apologising for it anyway.
It was a good point Gary made when David said 'kiss and make up' James didn't take it seriously, but it was a similar sort of comment.
James is a nasty piece of work, a wrong 'un and a potential closet case. He revealed more about himself in that conversation than Gary ever has.
Buttfucking isn't gay or straight, anyway! Buttfucking is multi-purpose. This apology is hilarious. I love Gary saying 'you're emotionally bent.' There's nothing wrong with taking it up the arse, James. Relax! Gary: 'I didn't know your routine of negativity and restriction.' OMG brilliant! I missed that the first time. Gary is a dry fucker. I'm starting to think he created this whole situation to make James look like a total prick and it worked well. James: 'We don't say things like that in this country.' Don't speak for a country, you twat! Gary can say whatever the fuck he wants (within Big Brother's rules, ha.) Gary is so magnanimous in the face of this super douchery. That whole scene and the bit outside is worth watching twice, it really is.
Not even worth mentioning Ricci and Tornado in the tree house or whatever the fuck it's called. I can't even bear looking at that Ricci's face. These people are amoebas.
Dee thinks Gary is interesting. I like Dee, she seems sound. 'I came in not once, but twice.' I loved it when she said Kellie looked gorgeous and it doesn't take much to sit and listen to someone. Too true.
Why is Stephanie bagging on her fellow American?
Why is James still banging on about James! 'Look at me when I'm talking to you.' No, you're not very interesting AT ALL. This guy is so pompous.
Something sad about Gary saying 'there's a great party atmosphere' while sitting on his own in the garden.
Stephanie: 'Who would you rather have kill you, David or Gary?' Bit of a strange question. That's the Pratt lineage for you.
This rock paper scissors 'game' is making me feel very uneasy. They're trying to wind Gary up and I don't like it. It feels like they're all laughing at him! He's an old man, FFS, let him sleep. I hate these people. Except Gary. And George. And Leslie. And Dee.

Celebrity Big Brother 2014 Redux: We're all Royal here

Hiya loves! I enjoyed that live feed last night. An hour of Gary Busey going 'what?' and genuinely enjoyable. More please!
Recap times! I like seeing some of the bits you don't get to see but there's just too much we've already seen.
Oh so Dee's task was for the food budget after all. Yawn! David: 'It's not hard to trick Americans' in front of Stephanie. Rude! He's not exactly Stephen Hawkins himself.
So I'm seeing a picture of Gary and Frenchy together and it says they dated for two years; and he didn't even recognise her last night! WTF. That can't be possible, can it? Unless she's had so much plastic surgery, she's unrecognisable. It's possible.
Lauren patronising Gary Busey! Wrong! Gary: 'TEAM: Together everyone acheives more'. Brilliant. That's Celebrity rehab talk for you. George: 'I'm on a show where people watch people on TV.' Gary: 'Wow.' Gogglebox sounds like the most English word ever right now. Go-Go box sounds like a fun nightclub.
Edele on Dee: 'She's 21st in line to the throne.' Gary: 'We're all Royal here.' Gary is going to be king of the one liners. Might as well just forget about the other housemates when Gary's in the house. He's making up for ten housemates.
This twist is totally pointless as well, although Dee is dealing with it very well. She's coming across a lot better than I thought she would.I like Kellie and Dee bonding. 'This isn't the worst thing you've had to go through?' That was quite touching. Dee came across quite caring there. It could be gameplay but I like to think not.
I like Leslie, he's a cutie pie. He likes Mike Tindall, lol. Lying about his age, too! I think Kellie was on to him, though.
I think George is going to give good Diary Room. He's a TV critic, basically, so he should do.
Gary and Dee are cracking me up. I love the fact he says everything's an honour. Gary: 'We're going to have some fun.' Don't talk to Gary about rehab! He's written the book. I love Gary. I admit it. Gary to Dee: 'We're going to build you a throne!' He is amazing. I still don't think it's quite right him being there. But he's TV gold. I'm rubber-necking, but it's still gold, like Stephen Baldwin on steroids.
Claire to Frenchy: 'What are you here for?' Frenchy: 'I like to get naked a lot.'
I can't stand Edele. She comes across really cold. Lauren and Ricci are a waste of space, too. I don't like Emmerdale or Tornado either.
Leslie seems VERY smart, except for the Duchess nonsense. Surely he'd know a Duchess would be posher? 'Not ready to vote Gary out yet.' Give it time!
Lauren is such a fish face. What HAS she done to her face?! She makes Amy Childs look natural. Still, I bet she smells like peppermint. A wet arse? I thought the Geordie Shores were the bedwetters. I guess it's going cross-reality now.
I like Dee, she's quite matter of fact. I think she quite suits that outfit. Frenchy: not impressed by hunting. 'Swans are magnificent.' Bless her. I love the French accent. My boyfriend thinks Frenchy knows it's a task. They all seemed to know each other's names, so I wouldn't be surprised.
James: 'What's your favourite movie you've ever been in?' Gary lists ten different films. The spirit of Patrick Swayze came through him. George: unimpressed. James: trying to say sexist things to shock. Oh dear.
I like the way Frenchy says, 'Douchesssss!' That James guy is a dick.
What has Lauren been drinking! She looks hammered! She's making a smashed final two with George. Lauren: 'I wanna be sober now.' George: 'I wanna be as drunk as you.' I'd rather get off with George than Ricci.
Oh god, not the 'we all get along so great' speech. Gimme a break. Give it two days, they'll be tearing each other's throats out.
James has got 'energy envy' about the youngsters. He's not there to necessarily cause any trouble. Just bore us all to death.
We heard Gary talking about having his own double bed on the live feed last night. Oh dear, he's shushing them. I think he's laughing, though. Imagine those teeth glinting at you in the night. I think anyone who takes on Gary though, does so at their peril. I can see him having a lot of public support. I like all the Americans actually. Not much Stephanie Pratt in that episode, though! Spencer must be fuming.

Celebrity Big Brother 2014 Redux: Point Broke

Evening all! Well, so far this year we've had two horrible winners: Jim Davidson and Helen, if you need reminding. So we're now looking to make it the hat trick. Put everything you own on whoever has the worst odds; or whoever's on Richard Desmond's payroll, or whoever it's fixed for this time. Basically, the biggest twat.
Hold up, where's Super Cassandra! I like Emma Willis's dress. Say no more. She's promising electric shock suits already, brace yourself, they've obviously pushed the boat out.
White Dee in first. Well she's the biggest arsehole so far, but she is first in. Still. She's moaning about editing on Benefits Street, wait until she gets on Big Brother. I didn't watch Benefits Street, because I don't like looking down my nose at poor people. I just like looking down my nose in general at people. She's got some big boobies on her. She seems like she's going to be the new Pauline, maybe? So the 'celebs' have got a new comfy sofa, still looks quite cheap, though.
Next in is someone from Strictly Come Dancing, James, so only your mum will recognise him. Commence the clapping. He doesn't like cooking. He looks like Benedict in that flat cap. Nail down the chairs. 'I've been on Imodium all day.' Lovely. His girlfriend looks pretty. Dee knew his name! I hate it when they all know who's going in. She seemed quite warm with him. I think she could go either way; be a nightmare or be alright.
Next in, someone from Emmerdale, Claire. Just what we don't need, a new Tricia Penrose. This is like a mum's edition of Big Brother. It's like Gillian Taylforth but they couldn't afford her. 'Ey up.' She's got huge boobs, too.
Next in is Kelly Brook's bit of stuff, David. Didn't he crash a van full of badgers?! He's even admitting it. Ha. Why was he driving a van full of dead badgers anyway? Is he some sort of professional badger botherer? The crowd are booing him and I'm not sure why, but he does seem annoying. Kelly Brook is too nice for him.
Oh dear Lord, not a twist already. They are setting Dee up, making her become royal. Give her the crown, and evict her already. She has to fool the Americans that she's a Duchess. That means they'll be American or foreign then. Good! I'm fed up with these English no-marks.
Oh, this is going to be interesting. Kellie used to be Frank, a boxing promoter. Transgender people normally do well on Big Brother. Nadia, Luke A, Lauren Harries. Kellie will be an interesting character, either herself, or in the way people react to her and reveal themselves.
Audley Harrison is actually famous! My brother used to have a friend called Lee Harrison and we used to call him 'Old Lee Harrison.' Here's hoping he's not another Evander Holyfield. Does he know Kellie? He's mentioning 'ground rules'. I hope he's not going to be the new Vinnie Jones.
Audley does know Kellie! 'Do I have to call you Kellie?' 'If you want to get paid for your next fight.' This is going to be an interesting dynamic that could make or break either of them.
Next in Lauren Goodier. According to my boyfriend, the fat one, but not the fat, fat one. Charming! So tired of the Towies. She's wearing a mint coloured jumpsuit. Not sure that's the right look for her. I think she's got a wedgie.
GOGGLEBOX! George FTW. He's one of the worst people off Gogglebox, but still, Gogglebox! He's worried women have an ulterior motive because he's on Gogglebox. How much money do you get off being on fucking Gogglebox?! I can't stop saying Gogglebox. Send in Sandra! Send in the poshos! Will people on Gogglebox be watching this? It's a shame it's not on at the moment. I like the way he poured that drink, like it was the last drink he was ever going to drink.
Next in Edele from Bewitched. No, I'm not writing the asterisk. She can't even spell her own name. She likes being honest. This is from the 'say it to your face' school of Big Brother bullshit. I think she might be the biggest arsehole in Bewitched, and that's saying something. 'Do you do eyelashes?' Weird way to say hello. They are all standing round very awkwardly! The crowd don't look too cheerful either. I think Helen has worn us all down.
In next is Ricci from Geordie Shore. No, me neither. Another spelling that's going to get on my tits. The Geordie Shore people are cheap and unimaginative. Even cheaper than TOWIE wankers.
Next is Stephanie Pratt. I did watch The Hills, but obviously not Made in Chelsea. I liked her on The Hills. Her face looks different, though. What could have happened? Spencer got her on the show, haha. She looks weirdly like Heidi in a way. That's not creepy, is it?!
Where the fuck is Paul Daniels and the lovely Debbie McGee?
Remember when Germaine Greer had to wait on Jade Goody? That didn't work out so well, did it? Can't see this Dee thing going much better.
Next in is some old fella off Will and Grace, Leslie. Even if Will or Grace went in I wouldn't recognise them. He has been told 'you have to have strategy'. Don't worry, you don't. Oh my God, he's tiny. He's like a mini Christopher Biggins. He could be funny, you know. I like him!
Next up is some French woman off Rock of Love, Frenchy. That's a bit niche. She loves pink and she looks like someone you see in an 80s porno. You kind of hope that women who look like that don't exist anymore but then you see they do. 'Obviously I like cock.' Obviously. She likes guys who are 18-23 with big willies. That's a specific market. Is she old? I can't tell.
Gary Busey! Point Break! Celebrity Rehab! He was a legend on there. That's good that he's got sober, though. He looks a fucking state though! I liked his speech before he entered the house. 'It's an honour be here.' OK. Emma is having to help Gary into the house! Three questions! Haha! What were the three questions. He thought Audley's name was Orgy. Frenchie knows him! She said her name was Angelique. Oh God, this isn't right. He can't understand anything anyone's saying. This is taking awkward to a new level.
White Dee is going back in as Duchess Deirdre. Is that the poshest name they could think of? I think Claire is blowing this twist already. The twist was so overblown and then they spent two seconds on it. I don't think Dee's heart is in it. I can't get over Gary Busey. I actually can't get over it. Dear God. God help us all. Come back Helen, all is forgiven.

Jim Davidson: Least I'm not boring (but I am a cunt and so are my fans)

Hello there! I've missed you and all the scuttlebutt. Let's watch Big Brother Canada together when it's on in March. It's got a moose! Well, it did last year.
Anyway, back to our Jim, or #jimtowin, as the common people call him. Even the title of this show is annoying, jauntily missing out the word 'at'. It reminds me of Kim Marsh's stolen autobiography (well, found on our balcony in Ibiza) that started every other paragraph with 'Thing is, right...'
Personally, I'd rather be boring than a self-confessed wife beater, racist and homophobe, but hey, [at] least I'm not those things.
I can't even look at Jim Davidson, he makes me feel physically sick, which makes watching this show rather difficult. Lionel is claiming he discovered Jim on New Faces again. Lionel also claimed that Jim was a 'good looking guy.' Negative!
His old stand up comedy looks AWFUL. Shut up, Ian Hyland. He's another sexist prick. The way he used to talk about women in his NOTW column was vile.
Jim's sitcom also looks crap so no wonder he wants to gloss over it. Dear God, the Big Break years. I remember this vividly as a child and thinking how awful it was. It was like the anti-Blind Date.
Garry (his parents' spelling error, not mine) Bushell - there's an unwanted blast from the past.
Jim's 'joke' about a jaguar biting his wife's head off says it all, really.
Bobby Davro never knew Jim was a cokehead. But he laughed uproariously about 18 year old women taking coke. Lovely.
Why is Garry Bushell standing up for Jim Davidson beating up his wife? Gross. Cos Lou Reed did it doesn't make it any better. I don't like him, either. 'Hip', my arse. 'Hipsters' don't get a pass for wifebeating; but you get more of a pass if you show an ounce of remorse; something Davidson is incapable of.
I DO remember being a kid and thinking racism was wrong, I ALWAYS thought racism and sexism was wrong, even when my dad and brothers were watching Roy Chubby Brown. I've NEVER been racist, not when I was a kid, a teen, any time. I've always known right from wrong. It reminds me of this 'oh it was acceptable then' attitude about groping women. No it WASN'T. Men just GOT AWAY WITH IT.
Jim's jokes about 'pakis' and 'rug-munchers' are just vile. I DON'T believe this was ever acceptable. I don't see how anyone can ever defend it. It wasn't 'lefties' that destroyed Jim Davidson's career, it was Jim Davidson.
The fact the only black person they've got sticking up for themselves against Jim Davidson's racism is Richard Blackwood, who most people don't like, or don't think is funny, I think is very telling for C5's agenda. But Richard actually made some very good points. Just forget about Brass Eye for a minute and listen to him.
Linda Lusardi is an idiot, saying he can't be a misogynist because he's has so many wives. So men with seven wives aren't misogynists. Tell that to David Koresh.
Jim comparing himself to Frankie Boyle is hardly endearing, he's a cruel cunt, too.
OMG this bit about him not wanting to make fun of disabled people takes the biscuit. This is the true him coming out now. He didn't want disabled people on the front row because he didn't want to make fun of them, or if he did he'd get into trouble? Oh my God. Is he really saying this?
Dear God, this Brian Dowling bit! 'I didn't fall out with him before he was A gay, it was because he was a cunt.' Then his grin to the camera. You voted for that! (Sorry, you didn't, because you're a normal person, but PEOPLE voted for that!) People actually BELIEVED HE HAD CHANGED even though he ADMITTED HE HADN'T. Seriously, how much clearer does he have to spell it out for you?
'A gay!' 'A gay!' Dehumanising piece of shit. Then he has a go at Brian for 'playing the homophobic card'. Why would Brian think Jim Davidson was homophobic when he IS HOMOPHOBIC. Brian didn't like you BECAUSE you were homophobic and you didn't like him BECAUSE he is gay. You imbecile.
Poor Jim, getting 'branded homophobic' after all that. Who would brand someone calling someone a shirtlifter homophobic?
Oh my God, I just got so angry my vision went funny. That can't be right. People on Twitter are doing my head in, defending this nonsense. I honestly can't bear it.
'A lot of shirtlifters have the same face' makes me feel physically sick. I don't know how people can even watch it. It makes me cry every time I see it.
Jim: 'It's a common word used to describe gay people.' He is saying this in an interview NOW. 'Is it any worse than poof?' He is saying this in an interview NOW. 2014. NOW. On your TV screen. NOW. He is saying these words. So don't you DARE come on my fucking Twitter and try and defend this piece of shit. You're no better than him! I am incensed, I am apoplectic.
What is this 'Gay means Good As You' bullshit? What a rotten man. Absolutely disgusting, inside and out. 
 I sincerely hope there are some #jimtowin people at home now, wishing like hell they'd never voted for him. I would love it if just one person just said, 'I'm sorry. I made a mistake. I shouldn't have voted for this man.'
'Oh but Ollie, it doesn't matter if you go out with a boy or a girl.' I hope Ollie is watching this now and seeing just how far the wool was pulled over his eyes. PLEASE! Someone, anyone, condemn this horrible man.
Garry: 'Brian weren't the sort of gay guy Jim would really get on with.' What does that mean? Brian is a perfectly nice man. The truth is Jim hates ALL gay people, he just hides it well now, and people are s dumb, they're fooled. 'Brianphobic.' Please. Jim has 'since learnt shirtlifter is offensive.' Where was he the previous ten years?
Jim: 'I didn't say it to upset him but I didn't like him using it against me. To my mind, he was to blame for the argument, not me.' Doesn't sound that sorry, does he?
I don't even care about this Yewtree thing. Isn't the rest of it damning enough, even if he is innocent of this?
Ian Hyland is right that Jim going into Big Brother a year later was good for him, because he had the battle with Linda, he had no Brian Dowling to face, and he would have been lost between Speidi and Rylan.
The fact that Bobby Davro is even having to say 'well done' to Jim for 'behaving himself' in the Big Brother house is damning. Most people don't have to 'behave themselves' ie. behave with common decency. They just are that way.
Good on Nina Mishkov  who I generally can't stand for saying he did a brilliant piece of acting because he really did.
The way he's twisting this Frank Carson dressing room thing is sick. He knew what he was doing and he knew he wanted to hurt her. He even admits as much.
I see Jim is talking the piss out of his housemates, who all loved him, in his stand up now. Nice. What a nice man. Ah, referring to women as 'birds'. NOW. In 2014. Is that OK? As long as that's OK with you, just checking. I'm obviously just 'bitter' and 'man hating'. What a winner. I thought we could never get lower than Denise Welch but this is snake-belly low. This is the bottom of Jeffrey Dahmer's barrel low. He's making fun of DAPPY who said Jim was like a DAD to him. This man is TWISTED.
This has been less of a blog and more of an explosion on Twitter. I just blocked three people and at least two people blocked me. Someone called 'buddha11180' I wasn't even following said they were 'bored of my pathetic man hating rants so fuck off from my timeline'. Not very zen like. Someone else called me 'a bitter aggressive cunt'.
You know what? When you're a feminist it's very easy for men (and self-hating women) to throw words like 'bitter' and 'man-hating' at you, when actually you're pro-equality. That's all a feminist is, someone who wants equal rights. If you're too thick to get that, fuck off my timeline, fuck off my blog, and go watch Nick Griffin's cookery show, or read Richard Littlejohn's column (mind how you go). If you don't want people to be equal - men, women, different races, different sexualities - and that makes me 'bitter' and a 'man hater' that's YOU with the wrong end of the stick, NOT me.
So keep clinging to it. But times are a-changing. And Jim Davidson winning DID set us back, make no mistake about it, but it's just the fucking mob, it's the James Arthur fans, the One Directioners, the sheep, the fusty old straight men, the blinkered old scrotes who can't see the wood for the trees. So just let them rot. They'll never get it, no matter how loud we shout, so why waste our breath?
My best friend texted me and said, 'why are you watching that Jim Davidson drivel?' I guess this is why. To write this.

Celebrity Big Brother 2014: The Final - He wouldn't say boo to a ghost

Well, here we are. I'm not as excited about this final as the whole world seems to be, as it's boring when you know who's gonna win, especially when it's a ruddy-faced bigot. But imagine if there were a shock? Then we'd be talking. I'm going to vote for Luisa and Dappy, as I don't think there's much point voting for Casey. OMFG I just voted for Jim by accident then I had to vote for Dappy and Luisa twice to cancel it out. Fumble fingers.I probably just sealed Casey's fate.
It's raining. God is displeased with the potential Jim win. Liz got cheers! Put that tongue away, Lee. Finally, our chance to boo him. Where's Evander?
The last supper! Nothing will ever beat 'my England, my kryptonite' with Heidi demanding more wine.
Casey's speech: 'Dappy, you have a lot of goodness in your body.' OK. Sam's speech: white noise.
If Ollie really likes Sam, why doesn't he try and get off with her? It's not that hard to do. Just pucker up!
Dappy's speech was cute. I believe he does love everyone there. That was nice what he said to Jim. 
'Follow this shit' is a good point: they need to cast the next Big Brother wisely and capitalise in this one's success. 
Aw, it was Casey. Interesting outfit she's got on. She looks beautiful. No people getting evicted two by two like last year at least. No Janice and Mario shame! No vote closing before the show even starts, hehe!
LOL to Jasmine's face when Casey was talking! What a sourpuss. The eye is open! No one is booing Casey, but they're booing Lee and Jasmine! Good, glad he's getting his abuse at last.
Casey is being charming and lovely. I'm so glad the crowd are backing her. I was expecting the interview to be shorter, too, so I'm glad she got a reasonably decent amount of time. Bit mean of Emma to say go and see your friends and 'fam-LEE' though.
Why is Luisa getting booed tonight. Sam's cheers are quite lacklustre. YES, Sam is out next. That was the right result. I don't like her dress, she looks like Jackie Collins. This interview is going to be SO BORING.
We're timing Sam's interview. It was five minutes long. How come they never mentioned Sam being ill in the whole time she was in there, apart from the boils? I feel a bit sorry for her, because everyone's been so hard on her and maybe she was really sick? I mean, who is entertaining when they're sick? I'm not.
Mind you, illness is no excuse for that interminable fauxmance. She said she'll go Borough Market, but I don't think she'll be up for the Tate. Are we going to have to sit through these 'highlights' again when Ollie goes? Save us!
Jim said he didn't hold hands but he's holding Dappy's hand now. I knew it would be Luisa next somehow. My boyfriend just said, 'who on earth is voting for Ollie? That's a real worry.'
I like the fact Luisa booed the crowd right back. 'Let's talk about sex.' Pathetic eviction song. Luisa's giving her 'no bullshit' speech. It's like a mantra. She kind of reminds me of Rachel Reilly from BBUS in a way, just no filter, doesn't give a fuck, totally herself, obnoxious, entertaining.
Me and James just cried with laughter at 'wouldn't say boo to a ghost'. Ghosts don't mind if you say boo to them! That's the international language of ghosts. I missed most of her interview because we were crying with laughter at that.
Luisa: 'I love Dappy's dick!' They should have asked her what she thought about Evander Holyfield's homophobia.
Dappy is doing the 'I'm next' talk. Ollie's third! What is Ollie wearing, he looks like he's got his dressing gown on. It's got a bow on the back. Aw, sappy Ollie. How does he cope in the world?
I like the way Jim and Dappy are sitting on the couch cuddling. Who'd have thought those two would be there at the end.
This interview is going to suck. I think the word 'nice' has been said about 50 times. 'It's all about Ollie, baby.' Ollie should go, 'At least I beat you, Luisa.' WOULD Ollie say boo to a ghost? Depends what the cue cards say, I guess. Ollie as downgraded his epic London date to 'dinner'.
That meant so much to Dappy, you know. He was desperate to win. I don't think I've ever seen the final two so close, kissing each other and everything, are they gay or what, ha. 'I told you.' Jim look pissed off when he won. I like Dappy's zebra trousers. LOL Tulisa is there.
My boyfriend just pointed out that Dappy did come a close second after all. Dappy's going on about his mum and his dick again. Jim's gonna check out all Dappy's DVDs and videos when he comes out.
Jim and Dappy's fishing show FTW.
Dappy: 'I'm more of a softie than Lee Ryan.' Dappy's interview was too cute. It actually feels like he did go on 'journey' from dickhead to sexist to softie. He actually is 4 Real, in his own way.
I feel NOTHING seeing Jim in the Big Brother house on his own, but it's the same way I felt when Charlotte won six months ago. Goodbye house, goodbye stairs. Compared to watching Tim win Big Brother Australia a few weeks ago, which was magical and moving, this is empty and embarrassing. This is a country-wide humiliation.
As I typed in my final labels, one that came up was 'jim davidson is a cunt.' I clicked on it, and up came this blog by me: http://lightupvirginmary.blogspot.co.uk/2009/04/archives-of-pain-dark-side-of-fame-with.html
In case you're too scared to click, here's a quote from the man himself, about Brian Dowling, two times Big Brother winner: 'He might be gay, poof, shirtlifter, sausage jockey, whatever, it wasn't the fact he was gay, it was the fact he was an arsehole.' These are words from JIM'S MOUTH, you can look up that Piers Morgan show and watch him say it HIMSELF.
OMG, why didn't I find this sooner?! ARGH! That blog ends with the words: 'Jim Davidson; another thing from the 80s to put in the dustbin.' I guess you can't keep a good man down, right?
I also found this one about Hell's Kitchen: http://lightupvirginmary.blogspot.co.uk/2007/09/hells-kitchen-marco-pierre-white.html which isn't even THAT edition of Hell's Kitchen, but I also tagged Lee Ryan in that post, which is peculiar. Was he in that season? People make you doubt your own mind but if I'm calling Jim a sexist, racist wife-beater in 2007, and it's now 2014, it's not like I fucking DREAMT IT. Stop erasing the past already.
I've heard too many people say that housemates should be judged on their time in the house, and largely I agree, but NOT in this case, and NOT when a comment he made, that had 300 complaints, was about the ultimate Big Brother ALL STAR. Don't pretend you like Big Brother, those who voted for him. You didn't do your research and you made a mistake. And you know what? He will fuck up. He won't keep that act up indefinitely. And then I'll be the one like Dappy saying, 'I told you.' You know I will!
I note Emma did not mention Frank Carson's dressing room and him besmirching the name of a dead man. I notice a lot of things, actually. All of them bad. A sad end to a brilliant series. What you gonna tell your daughter?

Celebrity Big Brother 2014: Face down, arse up

Is it really the penultimate episode of Big Brother? it's been a hell of a ride, but with the the extermination of the fanny rat there's nowhere to go but down. The best days are behind us, but there's still a fight to the death ahead. Who will it be? Creepy old man Jim Davidson? Loveable but naive Casey? 'I'm only being honest' Luisa? Schlong swinger Dappy? And... who are the other two again?
Why are Jim and Casey acting like they're in a Carry On movie? I know Lee's gone now, but Jim?!
Luisa is thanking the peasants - sorry, public - in the Diary Room.
I like Ollie and Dappy being mates, it's cute. Dappy and Jim are working out how to get in the bath with Luisa and Casey. I like the fact Dappy, Ollie and Jim are such different men but all get on.
I think Dappy needs to work on his pranks. Tim from Big Brother Australia could give them a few tips: cutting though someone's curling iron wire, and rubbing garlic on their make up brush and then crying when they put an egg in his jacket pocket.
Why is there Fairy Liquid by the bath? Are they using that as bubble bath? Thrush alert! Casey's probably already got it off Lee Ryan, anyway.
Ollie and Sam are upping their game, going on about willies and vaginas. Desperate.
I'm glad Dappy's getting a task. I like it when Dappy has fun. Not good at freestyling? Boo.
Sam Faier's is pretending she could have been fun if she'd had more booze. Ooh, Jim sticking it to Lionel and no one looked happy. 'Acts like he's gay'! Whatever could he mean?! I hope the Jim mob are taking note of their saviour's behaviour tonight cos he's coming off like a bit of a cock.
Dappy's raps are funny! Spotted dick and fake tan. I would have liked to have seen more of that. Jim: 'I thought it was an album track.'
Jim is LORDING it in that house right now. And also being really crude and creepy. Ollie, stop trying to be street. It's bad enough when Dappy does it. Everyone seems very jolly today, even Ollie and Sam.
Ollie's impressions were pretty shit. Don't give up the day job. Oh...
Ollie, stop doing the whispering talk again. I wouldn't mind whispering in the bedroom. Dappy seems to enjoy the sweet talk, lol. He's game. No wonder Ollie's never pulled a bloke if he's been whispering all these years.
Last chance saloon task. Secret questions from the housemates! I like the fact we find out who asked which question. Casey is dealing with this well.
These questions are all about sex! It's rude. That Linda question was blatant editing. It was a good task though.
Fuck you Ollie and Sam's 'imaginary' romance on the OUTSIDE. Who cares about a romance on the outside. Dappy's horror that Ollie doesn't like doggy style.
Sam's fake tan defense for not standing up to Ollie! What is she wearing? She looks like a neon marker.
Dappy is 'the real bed bully'. TMI. He finds Luisa intimidating. No shit.
Jim, stop playing the bad year card! The year is over! And stop being so fucking disgusting. 'It's been an honour.' Spare me.
Luisa, what a trouper, offering to take the boos for Casey. Hmm, I don't like Luisa and Jim's uneasy alliance, it makes me twitch.
Casey seems like a weight's been lifted now Lee's gone.
Jim: 'It's not attractive being intimidating.' Then, 'If you can fake sincerity, you've got it made.' That's Jim's gameplan in one sentence. He spelt it out for you. Are you still going to vote for him? Really?
Oh so it's not OK for Luisa to sleep with men because then they might tell the nice men she wants as boyfriends about it. What is this, the school playground? His views are so outdated and narrow-minded. Then he hints he's been to sex parties. So it's OK for him, then? Same old story, no wonder him and Dappy are bros.
Luisa doesn't need to change to meet the right guy. She just needs to meet the right guy and he'll accept her as she is.
Ollie's date sounds exhausting. My feet would hurt after Borough Market. I don't think Sam wants to go to the Tate Modern either.
Jim reminding Casey that Lee's a fanny rat. Mega lols. That's not a term of endearment for you, either, Casey.
Ollie and Sam know how to do some 'harmless flirting'. Where are the cue cards?
And that's it. Save Dappy, Casey and Luisa. With a miracle, someone other than Jim can win it.

Celebrity Big Brother 2014: I rest my Casey

I was saving that title for when Casey got evicted, but as she won't get evicted til the final now, I'm wheeling it out. Hope you like it.
The unravelling of Lee Ryan, hey? I think that rat's already unraveled. There's just a tail left. 'Why am I suddenly being perceived as a love rat?' Suddenly?! I see he's already been doing the apology tours on Twitter, probably at gunpoint.
Lee Ryan's pasty body makes me sick. Dappy's skinny one don't look much better. 
Casey's mum! Lee's doing some crab eyes. That was really sad. I don't know if that is going to help her or not. Sometimes it's best not to know. 'He's mugged you off, darlin'!' Casey's mum is lovely, too. When she said 'I've got one thing to say' I thought she was going to say something to Lee! She should have stuck it to Lee. But she complimented Jim! Not more fuel for his popularity fire, please. Oh, Jim and his strategic tear drop. I love the way Lee comes over and goes 'it was nice to see your mum wasn't it?' Well, sort of. They're not doing very well at keeping quiet during this task, are they? I bet Ollie's pissed off he never stroked his dog now.
Lee: 'I'm going to have people proper hate me now.' People hated you anyway, tbh. Lee's still trying to wheedle out of it with Casey!
Stop making Lee look like some love rat player! Ha! He DOES know that Casey has feelings towards him! Twonk. 'I'm the only wanker looking like a fucking dickhead.' Well...
OMG! Jim to Casey: 'If you were my daughter I'd still be bathing you.' NOT CREEPY AT ALL.
Who's this rabble who've come in for Dappy? Where's Tulisa and Fazer? Nice of megaphone guy to say he loved Ollie. At least someone does. And they made fun of Lee.
I like Luisa's mum too! LOL why did she tell Jim she loved him?! What is going on? Why is everyone kissing Jim! I thought she was going to have Dappy over 'LOOSE' gate. That would have been my priority as a mother.
Lee's doing a Nick Bateman under the covers. 'That mamma ting really threw me.' Stop speaking like that, Lee! You sound like a twat. I love the way Dappy comforts people. He's really sweet. I might forgive him for 'loose' gate, you know. Has he repented? I might even vote for him again?! I can't decide!
Lee: 'I'm just a cunt.' Dappy: 'I hear you, bro.'
Jim's wife is absolutely stunning and his daughter was beautiful. Trading in five times obviously works. Giving the shirts to Luisa was quite cunty though. Keep your subjugation to yourself.
They are SHIT at this task! They must have about 12,000 fails. Ollie looks nice when he's enjoying himself dancing and not weeping his fake tan off.
Lee's in the toilet crying because Casey's not speaking to him anymore.
Isn't it a bit of a giveaway when they gathered them all on the sofas? And why WAS Lee wearing his coat indoors? Luisa's only thought on Lee's eviction: 'He's gone dressed like that.' He didn't look too bad! Jim is gaming caring about Casey again. Pervert.
Jim wants to know why he's sexist from Luisa so he can change. Hilarious. Oh now he's like, 'You shouldn't have been influenced by that woman.' Did Jim ever find out if he was sexist or not? Didn't think so.
Oh, now onto some power play in the garden with Ollie. 'Are you seeing a fella?' No. 'It doesn't bother me ONE BIT.' One, you're lying. No normal person would have to state that. Two. It's none of your business, so fuck off, you red faced prick. It's like going 'I know a black person!' It's fucking transparent.
Who's cap is Dappy using to cover his knob during his naked pool dive? I hope it's his own.
I'm not even going to comment on Sam and Ollie, it's so fucking dull, I could stab myself silly.
Aw, Casey misses Lee! Shame. Luisa is not very good at counselling. Her cake eating skills seem quite honed though.
Two more days! Bring it on. I want a final three of Luisa, Dappy, then Casey. Don't think I've got much hope though.

Celebrity Big Brother 2014: Fanny rat gets backdoored

I haven't watched the Jasmine clip because that to me, is like opening your Christmas presents early. I like to get my entertainment all in one go. Ha, Casey seems to have got her screwface back on. Poor sod.
Oh God, not another erection from Lee Ryan. I love the fact Luisa asks the questions we all want to know, even if Lee gives the answers of a squirming politician.
Freeze task recycled. Blue have just appeared from out of a grandfather clock. Lee Ryan is having to fight the urge to wail. Are Blue singing live? They sound better without Lee singing on it. ONE LOVE! OMG Duncan went to Lee 'Jasmine really likes you, I've been hanging out with her.' This is like when Federico told them Michael Jackson was dead. I think that happened. I can't be bothered to check facts now.
Oh so Lee is dumping Casey again now. Tasteful. Honestly, he deserves to go. At first I thought it was unfair that the producers were manipulating this shit
Sam Faiers mum looks younger than her sister. She's proud of Sam for not saying a word for three weeks. Seems like a lovely woman, though.
Uh oh, Ollie's about to have a meltdown. Is he allowed to say 'my mum'? I don't think you should bring animals in, it's cruel, especially when Ollie couldn't stroke the dog back. The way Ollie reacted to his mum coming up proved him to be an even bigger sap than usual. This is how you turn out when you don't live in the real world. I love the way Dappy hugged him after, though. Dappy is such a softie sometimes!
OMG everyone's face when Jasmine walked in! Eyes were literally popping out of heads. They should have sent Jasmine in when Lee had his head in Casey's lap. Although it was quite fitting that Lee had his head in his hands.
Dappy was the only one who looked concerned rather than titillated by the whole thing.
Why is Cruella directing all her hate at Casey? She's a twat. Typical bullshit reaction. Casey got off with Lee first, so Jasmine 'stole' him from her, Casey just 'stole' him back using her big boobies. If it's 'quite embarrassing' what Casey has done, then I take it Jasmine won't be taking him back? Because that would be a case of 'fool me twice' and George Bush knows that means shame on you. Well, kind of.
If I was Casey I would have just gone 'fuck off, you old witch' to her.
OMG Lee is squealing, lying and failing the task. This is the worst rule break since 'are we being funny, mummy?' Nothing happened in the toilet!!! Come on, it don't take that long to change a toilet roll. He's lying to her FACE. Jim's peeking round the door. Sam sniggering at the blowjob comment. I take it they failed the task then.
At least Jasmine did have the good grace to say 'you're hurting her and you're hurting me.' Look at her trying to squeeze some tears out.
Lee to Casey: 'Do I lead you on?' Weeeeeeelllll.... Casey finally spoke, but she didn't say anything of interest.What IS a puppy treat?! I didn't like the way she kissed Lee and Casey at the end. Ugh. 
That just proved only one thing: Jasmine is a cruel cunt. Lee just dismissed Casey like THAT, just dropped her like THAT. Poor, poor girl. That is so cruel.
Lee didn't even SPEAK to Casey after all that! He could have said sorry. LOL Jim comes out the room and goes 'anything good?'
Lee's doing the 'poor me' chronicles now. Who cares if Cruella 'dropped a tear'? She's evil. Dappy and Ollie both know what Lee has done is wrong. Dappy, 'Fuck the look! She thinks you like this.' Even Dappy has better morals than Lee Ryan. Dappy: 'Get the fuck away because you're hurting someone.' Go, Dappy.
In what way does Lee 'look at Jasmine, stroke her face and kiss her' that's different to Casey, and how is Casey expected to know the difference? 'Casey's cool with it' as she stands in the kitchen sobbing with her glasses on. I don't know why Casey is worried about what her parents think. The damage is done. I'm sure they're gonna lynch mob Lee. Look at Jim going 'it's none of our business' and immediately goes into the loo to gossip with the girls. Jim's doing some hardcore strategy cuddling Casey. He was quite comforting, though.
Ha, Lee comes out and talks to Casey ten minutes later. What a heartthrob. Does he actually believe the words coming out of his mouth? 'The God's honest truth'?! LOL.
OMG Sam is actually giving her opinion.
I liked the bit with Jim and Casey in the treehouse. 'You've been acting classy, and everybody loves you.' Aw. Jim to Casey about Jasmine: 'Fuck her!' I loved that. I know he's gaming but he's a good actor.
Go on Luisa try and explain to Lee something he's too brain damaged to understand. You might as well go talk to the topiary. And then he admitted he kissed Casey last night!
I hope Big Brother enjoyed crushing Casey's little bit of happiness. Even though it was inevitable it would happen eventually, there was no need to do it like that, in such a humiliating way.
What is 'harmless flirting'? Is it taking someone into a toilet and getting off with them, when they're clearly in love with you?
Lee's pathetic speech to Jasmine followed by 'Sorry seems to be the hardest word' was just a brilliant touch by the editors. It's like the producers actually care about the show again! Just perfect timing, just genius, really. Hats off. Do you think Blue had to approve that? Did Elton? Hahaha.
Emma coming through the clock was kind of cool. She looks good tonight, too. I like this, it's well done. Please don't let it be Casey who goes. That's not right that the others can't say goodbye because they're frozen.
OMG it was Lee! 'I knew it.' Nice of him to give Sam his fags on the way out, I guess. Well I'm not that bothered then that the others can't say goodbye. He doesn't deserve a goodbye. Casey looks shell-shocked. She knows Lee's going to go straight back into the venus flytrap and there's nothing she can do about it. Jim was agog at Emma's beauty. Luisa was just worried about make up. Is anyone going to ask if Casey's OK? Oh, I forgot, Casey doesn't matter.
Someone just said on Twitter that Lee avoided the booage, and that is a shame. I agree. He should have got his full boo quota. And how come he's wearing his coat? Lee got off the hook in a way.
Lee is blaming the editing! Did the editing make you go into the toilet with Casey last night? Why can't he just hold his hands up and say sorry? Lee: 'I'm not responsible for Casey's feelings.' Emma's finest hour was 'you could have said no, Lee!' Will Lee watch the show back and feel guilty? I doubt it. I'm glad she stuck it to him, as much as she could, what with him being too braindead to work out PEOPLE HAVE FEELINGS.
Shame there's no BOTS! Lee will have been media trained by tomorrow and the word 'SORRY' might even come out of his weasel mouth.
Brilliant episode, jolly good fun. I watched half of it twice. Fuck you Channel 4, for giving up on the best TV show format of all time. Enjoy your winter sports with Sinitta, you muppets.

Celebrity Big Brother 2014: Lee two sleeves Ryan

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Celebrity Big Brother 2014: I don't want to spend my whole interview talking about Jim Davidson

I just voted to save Lee Ryan. What you gonna do about it? Nothing now, cos the whole sorry mess will be over by the time you read this. Lee Ryan has entertained me pretty well, apart from the interminable love triangle, and even that has given us some classic quotes. Waaaaaa!
It's weird the way Dappy is always so keen to make up, and his mood changes so much. I think Luisa is right, Dappy does really care what people think. But I think Dappy's more worried about shifting units and if his mum's gonna ground him when he gets out.
So my mum rang tonight and asked me who I liked in Big Brother. Well, I liked Liz Jones. I like Casey. Who do I want to be at the end? Lee. Dappy. Luisa. The rest you can work out, two times nothing, and two old whingebags.
Dappy says, 'You don't go around calling people sexist if you don't know nothing about them.' I know plenty about you, Dappy - 'slags, loose, fucking hoes', etc. But at least he admits he's a mummy's boy at last.
I think I like grumbling Ollie less than mute Ollie. He's coming across like a right whiner. I prefered him silent but moody.
Lee and Dappy discussing Twitter followers is pathetic. Dappy: 'Tarzan freestyle, some clever mad bars.' What language is he speaking? Lee Ryan seems to know. Mind you, he can speak to dolphins.
Luisa is apologising to Ollie. Ollie is wetter than Lee Ryan's knickers, for real. I can't bear it.
Oh God, friends and family makes me cringe. At least they're not nominating. Ollie's sister appears to be Nadia Sawalha. I didn't pay attention to the rest cos I was BLOCKING some bitches (non gender specific) on Twitter.
A smear campaign task should be good. LOL to Luisa having her eyes closed when Jim's talking. She's a piece of work. And I kind of like it. I do like her, I don't like her. Either way, she's a good character.
Lee is pulling out the 'sang with Elton John card.' Fair dos. I like Lee! I can't help it. I enjoyed his speech!
Linda's comments about Jim being up Evander's arse were gross. She is really horrid and that was just nasty.
Luisa: 'I'm only being honest' t.m. Jeremy Kyle. She tells it like it is. She's black and white. All these things mean: 'I'm rude.' Might as well just say, 'I'm rude' if you're really that straight up.
Don't start an argument you can't put out, Ollie. He felt like Luisa was pissing on his WHAT at university? His car? Oh he was saying she bullied him. Did someone bully him by pissing on his car? It was probably a Merc.
Luisa: 'how long can you play the victim for?' Probably quite a while. You made him the victim by being a bitch to him, and I was on her side your until then. Ollie looks so serious. I wonder if Ollie might leave tonight? Squeaky pig jumpers at the ready.
Did Luisa just try to hold Jim's hand and he recoiled?! Ha. I like Luisa's glittery jumper. Jim 'don't do the holding hands.' Or the shirtlifting.
Get Lee out, or get Luisa out, or get Linda out? I can't tell from the chant. Too many Ls. Ooh, Ollie is safe. Those rich people got money to vote, right? Oh and Jim. Sigh. I wouldn't have minded either of them going.
Casey is whipping out the BOOBS strategy. It's all she's got left, bless her.
Jim in his Y-fronts! My eyes.
Luisa is stirring the pot again. I thought she was Jasmine's BFF. LOL to her calling Jasmine 'a good time girl'. Time to wheel Dappy out as if he were Hector in Breaking Bad, ringing his 'LOOSE' bell. Dappy will tell you who's a 'free spirit', a 'stud', a 'good time girl', or a 'fucking hoe.' Perhaps they could do a quiz, and he could come 'a close second.'
Oh God, what's going on with Boobs and Lee! He's getting her hopes up again. 'FRIENDS CUDDLES.' Those 'friends cuddles' didn't work out so well for Tully in Big Brother Australia. Oh, who am I kidding, she got to fuck Drew. He'd be enough to turn any lesbian straight. But I digress. *thinks about getting off with Drew*
'Get Linda out!' I bet Lee, Casey, Luisa and Dappy wish they'd held hands away from Jim, now.
Linda's out! Good. I suppose that's Dappy's fault. Jim was gracious, actually. He actually has manners sometimes, something that appears defunct in her. It's raining again! That dress is doing NOTHING for Linda. She looks like a tube. She's getting some booage. Idiot crowd are chanting 'we love Jim.' It is possible to hate both Linda AND Jim. I have firsthand experience of this.
Linda says the housemates liked her. I'm glad someone did. I feel a bit sorry for her in a way, as if Jim hadn't been in there, she probably wouldn't have been so sour. She has lovely blue eyes. She's like a mum, even though she isn't. I'm not sure she deserves this level of spite.
Wow, when Linda said 'I don't want to spend my whole interview talking about Jim Davidson' she sounded fucking PISSED. She seems mad as hell. Ooh, she's taking it out on Emma! I love it. No one ever starts on Emma. Punch Emma! Unfortunately, Emma can only talk about what's on the cue cards in front of her. And someone has just scrawled 'JIM' in crayon.
OMG the crowd are all chanting Jim. Linda is RANTING. Off, off, off, off. Ha. And this is what we call civilisation.
Linda's trying to defend Luisa to no avail. Linda is sure going on about Jim a lot for someone who didn't want to talk about Jim.
But be reassured, Linda has loved it. She's loved every minute of being handcuffed to Jim, having her dead husband's name dragged through the mud and getting yelled at by a the crowd. Best three weeks of her life.
WHAT, how many in the final!? That's way too many. They're gonna do a backdoor eviction, aren't they? I hope they do. Ah, yeah, they are. Give them the old Jade Goody no crowd treatment. I hope it's not Casey! SOB! Save our boobs!

Celebrity Big Brother 2014: Shove your nice up your arse

We're halfway through The Hunger Games 2, but have had to pause because it's so fucking long, to watch Big Brother. All we've done all the way through it is make jokes about Big Brother anyway; there's the showmance, the mentors, gameplans, strategy. But thankfully no Jim Davidson. You'd relish sticking an arrow in that tomato face, wouldn't you? Set the cannons off!
Ollie is 'bummed out hard.' I'm not interested in the Towie-mance. I'm not interested in Jim vs Linda. I'm not interested in Lee and Casey.
I do like the idea of sticking Ollie and Sam on the fence, literally. At least Ollie's got his pig jumper on, anyway. Squeak! There's no love for Lee from Sam and Ollie! Ha. They are having to FORCE Ollie and Sam to speak. It's pathetic. Sam seems more willing to get off the fence than Ollie. A LOT more willing. Ollie is just following where she goes.
Ollie is making me LOL. Calling someone a sexist is 'outright vile.' It isn't, when they are. Ollie can't think of a reason for calling Jim sexist. Dappy: you're less sexist than Jim. What an accolade.
Does Ollie have a chance with Sam? Why would Sam say no... when she's on TV.
Ha to Ollie saying Linda starts on Jim. Linda doesn't allow you to have your own opinion. Ollie, why have you changed your opinion? Because Linda told him to!  
I heart this task. Ollie is coming across as such a drip. At least Sam is showing her teeth a bit here. Like, just a snaggletooth, but still. That was actually an original task for once.
Look at the way Jim speaks to people, sorry - women - with the 'I put nothing in your mouth' comment. Disgusting.
Well done to getting yourselves off the fence and on the block, Made in Towie. Why is Ollie bringing up her looking good not wearing make up again? It would piss me off if someone kept saying that to me. I'll wear as much or as little make up as I want, fuck off! I hate guys who go 'I like the natural look'. It makes me want to wear orange lipstick and blue eyeliner.
Lee is carping in the DR again. 'Oh no, someone fancies me, how awful.' BOO HOO.
They didn't show Liz the WHOLE TIME before the eviction. Sad face. Sam's got some Sallie Axl sideboob going on there. Jim looked rather smug.
Face to face noms. Again? How original. Linda's nomming Jim and Ollie. 'You should grow a pair of balls.' to Ollie. How can he, when he's just got that plastic mound? It's true, though. He DID give his opinion today. Under duress, but, you know.
Dappy nominated Luisa for calling him sexist. Dappy's mum would be 'mortified' if she thought he was sexist. She TOLD him to be sexist, so he said the other day. We really need Dappy's mum to clarify her position on BOTS. Dappy also nominated Linda for saying he slept too much, following by admitting he sleeps too much, because he's tired from composing and promoting his album. His mum and his agent (is that the same person?) told him to sleep in the Big Brother house? That's not very entertaining. Everyone's agent sounds like a prick, telling them all to keep their heads down. BORING!
Ollie nommed Jim and Lee and probably shit his pants simultaneously. Why is Ollie always dressed exclusively from the Geri Halliwell range?
Jim nommed Luisa and Linda, somehow bringing Ollie into it for no apparent reason. Oh dear, Jim is bringing up The Dead Husband. Jim, you may have never mentioned him by name, but you certainly brought him up, in a backhanded and insidious manner. Jim can moan that he wouldn't be arguing if Linda and Luisa were in there, but Linda is winning the game for him, so hey ho.
Casey nommed Jim and Dappy for a reason I couldn't fathom, something to do with food. Dappy: 'It's about respect.' OK.
Sam (ie. the entitled bitch who thinks she should be there to the end) nommed Jim and Sam. Everyone seems to have the hump right now.
Lee nommed Sam and Ollie, the fencesitting crew. He nommed Ollie for not sticking up for him. Ollie wouldn't stick up for that horse against Evander Holyfield. Ollie would probably go, 'Well, Evander has his reasons.'
Luisa, you can't change your nominations FFS. What do you think this is?! I'm glad her nominations got cancelled. I would have liked to have known what they were though.
Why is Dappy always going on about his MUM! 'An admirable person', my arse. Mummy's boy! The only swag he's got is his presents from his mummy at Christmas.
Jim, Ollie, Luisa, Linda, and Lee are up. Surely Linda will go.What's up Dappy's arse? Maybe he needs some more sleep. Wee Willie Dappy.
Luisa was going to swap Ollie for Dappy. OMG I hate Linda so much. What a bad loser. Why are they all so shitty about being nominated? It's the game. It's up to the individual who they nominate. If you don't like it, tough shit. They're all so bitter about it.
Why is Dappy blaming other people that he put up Linda? Thank fuck he put up Linda! If I have to look at her miserable face for one more day I'm going to boot my TV over and then wee on it.
Linda to Jim: 'Stop being nice to me.' Talk about can't win. Jim's hardly 'grovelling' by passing her a knife. I wish he's pass it through one of her arteries, tbh. She's the sourest person to ever enter the Big Brother house. She's had 'a fabulous time.' Fucking hell, I'd hate to see her down in the dumps.
Uh oh, Ollie's speaking. Stop speaking. Is this a house meeting? I love watching Dappy's face during bits like this, as he sits gnawing his nails. Linda is giving Ollie evils.
Why is Luisa starting on Ollie now, too? Poor Ollie, he's only trying to have an opinion because he's been told to. I think Luisa is being cruel. She's being a real cow. She has NO manners.'I'm sorry you felt that way' means, I'm not sorry. Luisa, you could have walked off if you were than bothered. Ollie was being a bit earnest but there's no crime against doing a stupid little speech in there. It's a Big Brother staple, just like fencesitting,
Jim is loving Luisa and Ollie arguing. Calm down, Ollie, you're going to burst a blood vessel. Ollie: 'I'm being bullied.' That was the closest thing to bullying I've seen in that house. Jim is virtually doing a victory dance. He's hugging the sexually ambigious Ollie! And he KNOWS. He's another step close to the win. And they're all too dumb to see it.

Celebrity Big Brother 2014: Fuck New York

Why is Emma always wearing a really gross jacket? And Jim is wearing yellow gingham. Why are people booing Liz? Boo to you, motherfuckers. At least Sam has attempted to cover the boils.
Are we still doing this task? That snow looks like flour. They are making Linda eat dog food. I don't believe they'd really make her eat dog food, it's not suitable for human consumption. It's probably got horse in it.
Dappy's hair does actually look good when you see it, I don't know why he's always wearing a stupid hat.
Sam Faier's future plans are dull as fuck, surprise surprise. She's put Ollie in the friendzone.
Lee is wearing long johns and fiddling with his bits. This 'killer questions' task as been done a million times.
Liz is going to be Lee's next crush after admitting she fancied him!
Jim: 'If you cut Dappy's head off you'd see honest written through him like a stick of rock.' Can we try it just to check? Some of those questions were quite good, I must admit.
LOL Lee's gone off Jasmine already! Ha. 'I didn't say she could move in with me, or did I?' he said, picking his nose. 'Or did I?' should be his disclaimer after everything he says. This guy is a first class tool. Lee's playing the blame game with Luisa now! Love it. Aw, they're just messing. Hard to tell if Lee Ryan is lying if his mouth's moving. Waaaaa!
We still have no clue what is going in in this task. Smash iiiiiiit! Ice cube wars. Get the Weetabix and the Zeo. I wish someone would just crush someone's skull with a hammer.
'This week housemates went on a journey.' They always do.
Ha, they're showing them what they said in the pub! Cruel. Ollie is wearing goggles to protect him from the heartbreak. He's put his hood up now, too. He should go camouflage like Frankie Dettori under the kitchen worktops. Linda seems to have the hump, but then what's new? This is a woman who only smiles once a year, when she hears Jim's been arrested.
Why do they only ever show tweets from celebs? NAZISM. What about us plebs? We do funny tweets too. Sometimes.
Who's hoovering? And why can't we have subtitles whilst someone's hoovering? Oh, there they are. I feel like my mum's gonna ask me to lift my feet up so she can do underneath.
Dappy and Luisa talking about nominations - but luckily they don't cancel the nominations anymore. Why aren't they using the jail? Has anyone even been in it? They are wearing a twosie. Sam: 'Did they break anything?' Yeah, the rules. Dappy trying to similate a BJ with Luisa.
Lee: 'They've worked out the language of dolphins but the government found out and stopped it. It's hearsay, but...' YES! Lee knows! He knows the conspiracy theories. Dolphins were monkeys, who didn't like the land, after all. Yes, Lee is defending his elephants and whales statement! Liz is suddenly his biggest fan again. 'I didn't say 'who gives a fuck about New York' I actually said, 'fuck New York'.' Er, I think that's worse. I don't think that's the best way of clearing that up. I would have loved to have seen more of that conversation. I could watch Lee Ryan talk about conspiracy theories ALL NIGHT LONG.
Haha, Sam has even got 'friends' on her t-shirt. Lame. THIS CONVERSATION IS INTERMINABLE. Ollie: 'It's fine.' It's ALL GOOD, as Siavash said.
If you cut Jim's head off, what would it say all the way through him? GAMEPLANNER. Now he's pretending he wants to go. Pur-lease. But if the public votes for him to stay, he'll do his best to win. Er, don't trouble yourself.
Why does Sam have to justify herself to Ollie? She's not obliged to fancy him. Either way, it's boring as fuck. It's patronising.
I like Luisa being sweet to Liz. Liz needs more friends!
Dappy is telling off Sam for wearing Sam's pig jumper. I want a jumper that squeaks.
Lee's sleeping in the bed with Casey defence: 'I was so tired...' I hate Jasmine so I hope Lee does get back with Casey. Casey is warm and sweet. How is Casey playing games with Lee, Luisa? I think you mean the other way round. How come we never heard Casey say 'I can't wait to fuck you when I get out of this place'? We heard her say 'do you want a blowjob'.
Why is everyone always bagging on Casey?! It's so annoying. Aw, is Lee to tired to get into his own bed again? It's so... far... away. Just... can't... quite... make... it. Cruel to get into bed with someone then say you won't spoon them. Luisa and Linda have BADLY got the wrong end of the stick here.
It's time! FACK IT, Liz has gone. Disappointing. That's a shame. Don't boo her! She's getting some cheers, good. Aw, she looks nice. She did so well in there, you know, for someone so fucked up mentally. Suddenly everyone's on the Liz train! We were on that train from day one.
Liz has post traumatic shock. Emma's still got her coat on indoors. Why is Emma being nice to her? She's been slagging her off non-stop on BOTS. Liz is playing the deaf card, ha. Worked out better for Sam.
Liz: 'I let Lee hold my hand. I miss my dogs.'
I like Liz heavy breathing and scratching her head. LOL to Liz refusing to look at herself. She's got BAD OCD and self esteem issues, hasn't she. I feel for her. I wonder if she's on meds.
I hope Liz writes a scathing article about them all now. Liz and her £85 sock choice. Oh, good old Liz. I love her for not looking at the clips. She doesn't toe the party line.
I love her gurning. And she believes Casey! Good. And she had a go at Jim a bit, good, saying the others wanted him to leave.
Liz is going to go to a Prince concert with Dappy. I'd like to go to that with them, if it wasn't for Prince. I thought Liz's interview was good. 'Dappy's a little meerkat.'
'I think dolphins are aliens.' I would have liked to have seen the context around that comment, too.
Aw, she's going to try and enjoy her life, rather than endure it. And shouldn't that be a lesson to us all?
Bit sad now. Enjoy your nomance, heathens.

Celebrity Big Brother 2014: Arctic circle jerks

Jim is stewing about people nominating him: 'Lee's a bit demonstrative.' That's true. Jim also admitting he's sexist by saying 'If you weren't sexist when you came in, you would be when you came out.' Yet still dopey women will vote for him unthinkingly. Up the patriarchy.
Sam is one BAD loser. You're the selfish one, boili-o. I read a story today that said she had to go to the doctors because 'pus was pouring out of her nose'. Has she been on Jim's marching powder, or are her boils finally making a break for it via her nostrils?
As usual I have no clue what this task is about, but they look nice in the faux fur coats. Ollie don't know what brain freeze is. Is that cos he has no use for his brain? Drinking shots with no booze in is quite depressing. Casey, Dappy, Lee and Luisa and quite game, though. I'd rather see Liz and Jim get brain freeze.
'Casey is picking Lee's spots.' Well, whatever gets you through the day.
They're showing Liz a bit more now. I do see Liz as Nikki Grahame's mum. She's fragile and funny like her.
Jim going 'has anyone bashed the tent peg since they've been in here'. Ugh! 'Chafing the chipolata.' TMI! That conversation made my fanny wither up.
What is Liz saying about this 'fishing' task? Casey happy to squeeze Lee's spots but doesn't want to bit calamari, whatever than is (I don't eat food).
Lee: 'I hate this fucking programme. I wish I'd never done it!' I wish you'd never been born, you silly sod. Oh so them sleeping in the kennels is actually them going to a secret pub with screens where they can see the house. Well, I've never seen THAT twist before! Good one, Big Bro.
I note they've put Lee and Casey together in 'the Mutt's Nuts'. She IS a Klingon, bless her. He's not exactly knocking her back, is he?
What IS up with Jim? Is he not eating because the others have been sent to the kennels? Liz is right, he's probably gameplanning. Jim controls with his eating/ not eating mind-gamery. And now he's eating. Not exactly an Ian Brady style hunger strike. Jim would be getting Frubes on the side, just like Brady.
Ollie can't string a sentence together, today, bless him, but he's still doing better than Sam. Maybe she's nipped off to the docs and no one has noticed.
How come it takes seeing Linda on TV to work out she's a moaning cow? I don't get that.
Jim's gaming again about his 'civillian wife' and arrest charges. Jim's legal fees went 'well into three figures'. Really, that much? LOL. That's anything up to £999. I think he meant six. Linda aint buying it, and I'm not buying it either. 'Panto, cancelled. Theatre tours, cancelled. Big Brother, cancelled. I'll never get that back.' Er, you got Big Brother back.
Linda is grassing about the house drinking booze! What a bitch. She is such a horrible woman, like genuinely rotten. Ollie is lying about the booze 'only to protect the others'. What a hero. Jim to Linda: 'Just zip up and stop gobbing off.'
Dappy and Lee don't fancy Sam. I'm not surprised, she's about as sexy as a breadknife. No, less. Ha, to the others slagging off Sam.Good on Luisa for saying Sam and Ollie play it too safe and Dappy agreed.
That long silence followed by Ollie going 'spin the bottle?' was the funniest thing he's said in the house. I think he'd even risk snogging Jim to get off with Sam. God knows why. Maybe he has a thing for sporks?
Casey to Lee: 'Do you want a blowjob?' I doubt if he'd say no. Mind you, if Liz or Linda offered to, he'd probably be rushing to turn the taps on before you can say 'mother's pride.'

Celebrity Big Brother 2014: I think I need to inhale Valium

Evening! We're on the red wine and I have to be at work at 8am for some InDesign fun. Let's see how that's gonna pan out. I don't even like red wine, it's just left over Christmas gifts. Only another 80 bottles to go - blergh.
I've managed to avoid nominations spoilers by avoiding Twitter. In your face, birdie. It's crap when you know who's up, where's the tension when the tally board is being added up?
All Dappy has got is that willy, like Casey's boobs.
Why SHOULD Luisa iron a man's shirt? That's the sort of crap my mum's boyfriend says to me. Why does Jim have to start FIRST thing in the morning? He IS trying to wind her up. It's the oldest trick in the book for a man to to say he's too stupid to iron a shirt/ clean etc. PATHETIC. And I'm a fool for rising to it.
Ooh, noms already. Dappy is nominating Liz for not joining in and dancing. What, like JIM? I'm glad he nommed Linda, though.
Sam nommed Liz and Lee. Jim: 'Do you iron your boyfriend's shirts?' to Liz. 'No.' There ends that conversation.
Linda nommed Jim and Liz. Leave Liz alone! Linda saying she wears Primarni; boo hoo. Sing along with the common people, why don't you? I have some clothes from Everything 5 pounds, FFS. They're nice, too.
Ollie nominated Liz and Jim. Lee nominated Jim for getting angry when they're dancing. And Liz for insulting their clothes the task! She was joking in the task. Plus, it's a task.
Jim is laying the journey card thick on Casey, bringing up the 'allegations'. She's so gullible. Oh, what a hard year he's had. But on the bright side it meant he didn't get to go in the Big Brother house with Carol McGiffin. And that's a very bright side.
Luisa nominated Jim and Liz. I like the patches on her jumpers.
Casey nominated Liz and Jim. Surprised she nominated Jim as she always seems to be humouring him.
Liz nommed Jim and Sam. Yes to nominating Sam! I think she's wearing Ollie's trousers.
Jim nommed Luisa and Sam. Is Sam gonna be up? Sweet. Will she go, though? All those TOWIE twats seem to have the numbers. They're like One Direction fans, an angry mob. 
LOL are you telling me Luisa and Lee aren't up? Is it Jim, Liz and Sam? Hilarious! Let's evict Sam and her boils, please. In fact we can keep the boils, as they're more entertaining than her.
Luisa's task is quite funny. Jim refusing to disagree with her. That was hiliarious. 'Do you think fairies exist?' She must have sussed by now.
Liz's shock of hair in the bath talking about her cat's psychic illness. Liz: 'I might come out of here and my mum might have died. My boyfriend will have left me for another woman. I've not got enough nuts and nutrients. If I had a car I'd drive into a tree.' Liz: 'I'm just going to die a lonely old woman. I need to inhale Valium. My boyfriend is going to see me in strong lighting.' This is hilarious. Liz reminds me of Nikki Grahame. It's just some faces she pulls.
What's Jim carping about now? Try cooking it yourself, you old grinch. Every time he does this passive aggressive thing; coming in, snarking, and then retreating.
Jim bragging about getting more votes than Luisa! Wolfy times! Let's see what the public think. There's two here that think you're a CUNT. And I know several more that hate your guts.
Jim to Luisa: 'I haven't put any women down here, only you.' Cut to Linda's mad mush.
Everyone is threatening suicide this episode. I reckon Luisa could push him over the edge if she really tries.
Ha, they're showing the noms! Liz looks shocked. 'It's OK.' Apparently.
Poor Liz, everyone voted for her. Cruel showing her this. The sympathy vote will hopefully be good, though. Ollie's got a face on like his parents are arguing.
I don't think Jim will really be that bothered about people nominating him. It's more grist to his mill, though.
Why is it 'tactical' because people voted for Sam? Maybe people don't like Sam. Shut up, Linda, Liz can vote however she likes. Everyone in that house voted for Liz and no one is bothered. If Sam's such a sweetheart and so SAFE what is she so worried about? Sour-faced boil bag. She looks like one BAD loser to me.
I LOVE the fact Luisa is needling Jim so much.
Ollie and Sam are having a pity party for two in the garden. Sam looks like hell. She's got nothing going for her. Ollie: 'Don't prove yourself.' No, don't speak.
I like Liz getting on her high horse! 69 million readers. It could be true - a lot of people read the Daily Mail worldwide. I like Liz when she's angry. She got nominated by nearly every person in that house. I don't blame her for fuming.
I'm not even commenting on the cuddlemance. I am all out of words.
Ollie: 'Sam should not be up for nomination.' WHY ON EARTH NOT? She was NOMINATED. YOU don't decide. You got your votes. They got theirs. So shut up.

Celebrity Big Brother 2014: How could this evening be improved? I could die.

Greetings, Earthlings. Stop arguing with me on Twitter already! I used to have a policy that I didn't look on Twitter when I was writing my blog as I didn't want it to influence my views. Now I have to go on Twitter just to get a restraining order against all the people who have a different opinion to me. We think different things! Our experiences shape our views! We are unique snowflakes! I don't MIND debating about things, but the amount of blind Jim support, blind Luisa hate, etc, is tiring. ALL of the people in there are multi-faceted. Lee Ryan probably has a couple of redeeming features. Now let's all just RELAX OURSELVES. I will never vote for Dappy or Jim, due to their offensive views. If you can vote for them and sleep at night, go right ahead, cos I still want them in the house! Everyone's a winner. Cheers, bruv.
Anyhoo. On with the show. LOL to Jim pointlessly bashing toiletries around to annoy Luisa. That's some low level warfare right there.
Luisa is being pathetic trying to keep Jim awake, but to be honest, they're both arseholes. Luisa's got the pots and pans out, Evel Dick stylee! They were doing this on BBAU this year too, making lots of noise to irritate the fuck out of each other. Noise pollution. Jim needs to keep the moaning to a level where it's amusing and not just annoying, he's just coming off depressing right now.
As I suspected, any alleged entertainment between Sam and Ollie is part of a task as they can't work without a script.
Why does Casey have to defend being a glamour model? Annoying. Jim showing her how to be sexist against herself. Nice.
Jim is being a spiteful cunt as usual and pretending it's humour. Why is Liz doing stand up? Oh, she's slagging off their style. Liz is unleashing her inner bitch here. Haha, she's slagging off New Look and Primark. That's what I want from my Liz Jones!
Aw, Lee is pretending he can play the gee-tar. He needs someone to squeeze his ballbags before he can sing in his usual register. Thought Linda was a bit cruel in her voting as Lee was obviously going for the sympathy vote there and it didn't pay off.
Good on Casey getting the boobs out, they are impressive. They beat Dappy's singing, anyway. Oh Jim, get out of Dappy's butt. You know you don't like it up there, no matter how much you pretend to.
Sam and Ollie's scene reminds me why I don't watch structured reality shows. I just went to get some chocolate. Sexting Jim? Fucking hell. Is that Digitalism or MGMT playing? They deserve NEITHER. WTF Ollie and Sam won? Liz and Casey were both better. Even Lee was better. Even Lionel was better and he's gone.
Is Luisa trying to push Jim to the point where he punches her? If so, I hope it works, so he gets thrown out and she gets a slap*. *NB: This is a joke. Because they're both driving me mad right now. I don't see the 'Luisa is bullying Jim' thing. Jim is no wallflower, is he?
Jim checked out the party spoils and decided to go bed. What a curmudgeon. He's not in the mood for dancing. Nor is Liz, by the looks of it. I wish we could just give Liz a big hit of MDMA. It would change her life forever. Anti-anxiety and then some.
LOL to All Rise being played. Classic. 'How could this evening be improved for you?' Jim: 'I could die.'
Luisa is always teasing Dappy sexually! He's a lamb to the slaughter. He's sozzled again. Dappy's liking Luisa and Casey's 'knockers'. He really thinks Luisa has got hard nipples for half an hour. No one in that house is that sexually arousing.
Lee and Casey go to psychics, which says it all really. Gullible twats. Jim to Casey: 'He could have you whenever he wants.' Nice. True, though.
I like Casey again, actually. She's sweet and lovely. It's a shame she's so forgiving as people could take real advantage of her. Like Lee for example. Maybe she'd be better off with Dappy? Or Ollie? My friend made a very good point today that Ollie has it all, looks, good personality, style, but he just has no sex appeal whatsoever. And it's true! I bet if you took down his pink trousers, there'd just be a plastic mound down there, like an action man. And that is how this blog ends.