SLOP! What is this, BBUS? Put 'em on PB&J. 'Bland grey slop', as if slop wasn't bad enough. Ha, Jim meant to press curry. I could eat neither curry nor slop. Or chick peas. Remember Rachel Rice used to be obsessed with chickpeas? What a winner.
The democracy monolith looks quite intergalactic, too. Is that back engineered from recycled Who Wants to Be a Millionaire voting pads?
So Jim is deciding what all the other housemates do? Fair enough. He said he won't abuse the power and he seems trustworthy - ha.
Making tea out of old teabags is like smoking fag-butts. So Lee and Jasmine are openly snogging now. Casey should really just cut her loses and stop doing that screwface.
Ha, Jim chose Linda as most boring housemate! Good. Liz isn't boring anyway so she didn't deserve it.
Outside contact, blah. Jim smirking about Linda. He should just vote her for everything, biggest old bat, most annoying, most likely to be evicted next.
Linda isn't really watching paint dry, because her goggles are covered in paint. Lionel: 'She's such a lovely lady.' Incorrect.
OMG cigarettes or beauty products! I thought they'd want cigarettes more as they all smoke like chimneys. I don't smoke and I wouldn't mind not wearing make up so I wouldn't care either way.
Lee and Jasmine are finger-banging in the treehouse. Ah, now she's riding him in the living room. Lovely.
Fake nomination. At least some are voting for Lee now. Did Lee vote for himself! Did Jim pick that one? Lee DID vote for himself Tim from BBAU style! It didn't feel quite as impressive.
LOL to Lee saying 'don't shout at her' to Lionel for having a go at Jasmine like a drunk boyfriend in Wetherspoons. This is like I'm a Celebrity again - lipstick wars. It wasn't interesting then, either.
Such a boring show tonight. Lee: 'I looked at you and my stomach went zzzzzzzzzzz.' That's how I feel watching this fauxmance.
If Lionel farting is really a highlight, God help us.
Luisa has a 'beautiful punani.' Dappy better check and make sure. They should keep that 'democracy' machine going off all night.
LOL to Jim choosing Luisa and Lionel as the most annoying housemates. OMG I could not be in a room with clocks ticking. I would flip. I do not respond well to ticking. I can hear a ticking clock a mile off. I can hear a tap dripping from a house away. Even birds tweeting make me murderous.
Does Luisa think they're really going to get into that room with champagne and chocolates? This has echoes of the Basshunter task. They should play some Basshunter into the room to add to the ambience.
Lionel is like a real old person taking a PPI call. Lee is with Ollie in the toilet now! Taps on or off?
I loved Luisa's jailbreak. Lionel: 'Chocolates please.' Rebels! Hilarious. Good on them!
Is BB going to chuck her out? I like it when people break the rules. There's nothing worse than a 'rule-booker', as they say on BBAU. Big Brother is being a wimp! Give her a warning! Send her to jail. Do not pass go.
They did a task like this on BBUS where someone got put in a room with an alarm going off every 9 minutes. Lionel can't sleep in that room without his orthopedic mattress. I like the pairing of these two, I think they're quite funny. I hope Luisa stays and Jasmine goes.
'Is Aunt Mildred there, please?' This is like a bad trip or a horror movie. Lionel: 'Go fuck yourself.' Couldn't have put it better myself.
So Liz got ZERO air time tonight. Does not bode well. Save Liz, let's get shot of Jasmine and hopefully Lee will go with her.
Showing posts with label jasmine waltz. Show all posts
Showing posts with label jasmine waltz. Show all posts
Tuesday, 14 January 2014
Monday, 13 January 2014
Celebrity Big Brother 2014: I will look after you
We just watched the Heidi and Spencer After Shock show and now my boyfriend is comatose so I'm watching this alone. Thanks Speidi! To be fair, Jim can't help that he snores. Luisa and Jasmine can help being a pair of old harpies, touching each other's bits over the vodka mix.
Lee going for the Abz vote, befriending one of the butterflies that were formally in his stomach. Granddad butterfly. Oh, the poetry. Swoon.
Jim is confirming my point that he has no choice about snoring. Luisa is inconsiderate. What is 'having fun'? Giggling under a blanket? Waking people up?
Lee says Duncan is gay. I thought Duncan was bi. I like Simon the best, he's very handsome and he didn't make a twat of himself in the jungle.
Liz is twitching about cruelty to animals because a dog has been sent in to steal a string of sausages. I would be, too. If she thinks that's bad, she should have seen the year they had the gorilla in there, HA.
This task is stoopid. That was the dullest task ever. How can they follow the knocking shop - sorry, strip show - with this?
Face to face nominations equals easy targets and controversial characters up, which can work out badly. At least they can't fiddle it this time.
I like the frankness of Luisa's nomination: 'I'm nominating Jim because he's a fucking arsehole and he gets on my tits.' It's better than 'they don't clean the kitchen', isn't it?
Luisa nominated Liz for taking about her dogs. Does she remember this small chap called Dappy, called her a slag, a fucking hoe, and loose two days ago? Remember him? He's sat right there.
Jim is seething! I don't think I've ever seen such enthusiastic face to face nominations. Luisa didn't like what she said about him.
Can someone explain to me why Jim is nominating Liz and not Linda? Do not get it. Poor Liz.
Jasmine's nominations were a bit more wishy washy. Ha, she called Jim sexist.
Dappy nominated Liz! That's his homegirl. Why is Dappy doing the same nominations as last week? Boring. Dappy also nominated Luisa for mentioning his mum. Mummy!
Ollie nominated Liz, too, aw. I feel sorry for Liz. Ollie was quite brave to nominate Jim.
Lee: 'Liz, you bitch. I'm joking.' Ha bloody ha. Lee is nominating Sam for fencesitting, basically. WTF BB won't accept his nomination and is making him change it! You've got to be kidding me. He could vote tactically now! That's cheating. That's a bunch of BS.
Ooh, Liz nominated Linda because she reminds her of her older sister and she makes her nervous. That's a bit unfair on Linda. Liz on Jasmine: 'I look at her and I literally want to kill myself.' Oh, because of her self esteem issues. I thought it was something else. This is like a Lauren Harries nomination: 'I'm nominating you because you remind me of my auntie Jill who we don't speak to...'
I don't think Liz meant to use those words to hurt Jasmine about her dad. Jasmine is crying again. DOES she have feelings? Jasmine is right, though, it's not her fault the way she looks.
Sam nominated Liz for loving animals. Is that an OK reason? Shouldn't Big Brother be saying, 'Are you going to end someone's game over that?' Talk about favoritism! And she dared nominate Jim. I'm surprised.
I'm glad Linda nominated Dappy at least. Why didn't Dappy get more votes? Is it OK to speak the way he did at the weekend?
Not more votes for Liz, poor Liz. Ha, Casey nominated Jasmine. At least she dared. I like Casey's lips jumper.
I hate Lionel! He nommed Jasmine and JIM! I'm surprised he nominated Jim face to face. He's a shrewd one.
So up is Liz, Jim, Jasmine, and Luisa only on 2 nominations.
I don't know why Dappy is grovelling round Luisa. Own your own vote. Bad atmosphere in the house now. Luisa is certain she's going to go. I think she might get some votes off the back of her Dappy wars. I will vote to save her and Liz.
LOL to Jim saying Lionel didn't make him famous. I actually feel almost SORRY for Jim!
Liz should apologise to Jasmine for her choice of words, even though she didn't mean them. Casey is coming off a bit one-dimensional again, except for instead of 'boobs', it's just 'Lee'.
I haven't seem Jasmine be 'over the top nice' to Liz. Or anyone. Jasmine is on the warpath after Casey now. Oh dear. I have a feeling Casey will be eaten alive. Oh, get over it, Casey. You're really stringing this out now.
Good on Jim for sticking up for Liz. He is so right. That was a power move, right there. I'm glad Liz apologised, too. Jasmine: 'It's almost like racism voting for me because I'm beautiful.' No it isn't.
Dappy and Luisa bonding is somewhat sickening.
Taps on time! Lee doesn't want Jasmine to go back to her bat cave. 'I will look after you.' I don't think she needs looking after, I really don't. She's hard as nails. Lee, on the other hand...
Lee going for the Abz vote, befriending one of the butterflies that were formally in his stomach. Granddad butterfly. Oh, the poetry. Swoon.
Jim is confirming my point that he has no choice about snoring. Luisa is inconsiderate. What is 'having fun'? Giggling under a blanket? Waking people up?
Lee says Duncan is gay. I thought Duncan was bi. I like Simon the best, he's very handsome and he didn't make a twat of himself in the jungle.
Liz is twitching about cruelty to animals because a dog has been sent in to steal a string of sausages. I would be, too. If she thinks that's bad, she should have seen the year they had the gorilla in there, HA.
This task is stoopid. That was the dullest task ever. How can they follow the knocking shop - sorry, strip show - with this?
Face to face nominations equals easy targets and controversial characters up, which can work out badly. At least they can't fiddle it this time.
I like the frankness of Luisa's nomination: 'I'm nominating Jim because he's a fucking arsehole and he gets on my tits.' It's better than 'they don't clean the kitchen', isn't it?
Luisa nominated Liz for taking about her dogs. Does she remember this small chap called Dappy, called her a slag, a fucking hoe, and loose two days ago? Remember him? He's sat right there.
Jim is seething! I don't think I've ever seen such enthusiastic face to face nominations. Luisa didn't like what she said about him.
Can someone explain to me why Jim is nominating Liz and not Linda? Do not get it. Poor Liz.
Jasmine's nominations were a bit more wishy washy. Ha, she called Jim sexist.
Dappy nominated Liz! That's his homegirl. Why is Dappy doing the same nominations as last week? Boring. Dappy also nominated Luisa for mentioning his mum. Mummy!
Ollie nominated Liz, too, aw. I feel sorry for Liz. Ollie was quite brave to nominate Jim.
Lee: 'Liz, you bitch. I'm joking.' Ha bloody ha. Lee is nominating Sam for fencesitting, basically. WTF BB won't accept his nomination and is making him change it! You've got to be kidding me. He could vote tactically now! That's cheating. That's a bunch of BS.
Ooh, Liz nominated Linda because she reminds her of her older sister and she makes her nervous. That's a bit unfair on Linda. Liz on Jasmine: 'I look at her and I literally want to kill myself.' Oh, because of her self esteem issues. I thought it was something else. This is like a Lauren Harries nomination: 'I'm nominating you because you remind me of my auntie Jill who we don't speak to...'
I don't think Liz meant to use those words to hurt Jasmine about her dad. Jasmine is crying again. DOES she have feelings? Jasmine is right, though, it's not her fault the way she looks.
Sam nominated Liz for loving animals. Is that an OK reason? Shouldn't Big Brother be saying, 'Are you going to end someone's game over that?' Talk about favoritism! And she dared nominate Jim. I'm surprised.
I'm glad Linda nominated Dappy at least. Why didn't Dappy get more votes? Is it OK to speak the way he did at the weekend?
Not more votes for Liz, poor Liz. Ha, Casey nominated Jasmine. At least she dared. I like Casey's lips jumper.
I hate Lionel! He nommed Jasmine and JIM! I'm surprised he nominated Jim face to face. He's a shrewd one.
So up is Liz, Jim, Jasmine, and Luisa only on 2 nominations.
I don't know why Dappy is grovelling round Luisa. Own your own vote. Bad atmosphere in the house now. Luisa is certain she's going to go. I think she might get some votes off the back of her Dappy wars. I will vote to save her and Liz.
LOL to Jim saying Lionel didn't make him famous. I actually feel almost SORRY for Jim!
Liz should apologise to Jasmine for her choice of words, even though she didn't mean them. Casey is coming off a bit one-dimensional again, except for instead of 'boobs', it's just 'Lee'.
I haven't seem Jasmine be 'over the top nice' to Liz. Or anyone. Jasmine is on the warpath after Casey now. Oh dear. I have a feeling Casey will be eaten alive. Oh, get over it, Casey. You're really stringing this out now.
Good on Jim for sticking up for Liz. He is so right. That was a power move, right there. I'm glad Liz apologised, too. Jasmine: 'It's almost like racism voting for me because I'm beautiful.' No it isn't.
Dappy and Luisa bonding is somewhat sickening.
Taps on time! Lee doesn't want Jasmine to go back to her bat cave. 'I will look after you.' I don't think she needs looking after, I really don't. She's hard as nails. Lee, on the other hand...
Sunday, 12 January 2014
Celebrity Big Brother 2014: Roll on, death
All seems cheery this morning. I wonder how long that will last. I like Luisa's pyjamas/ onesie. It's the only attractive onesie, I've seen.
Lee: 'I'd love to get married.' Two days ago he said he didn't want a girlfriend.
Casey really needs to get over it now and just leave it with Lee. She knows who and what he is (fanny rat).
Jasmine: 'Lee is loud and rambunctious'. Yeah, like a puppy you regret buying. How does Casey keep her eyebrows so massive? Does she draw them on or are they tattooed?
Dappy seems veritably charming today. Lee's tattoos are so gross and cheap looking. His body's not even nice, either. Although my boyfriend likes his hair (?!)
Casey and Jim's bonding time. She's going to 'wait' to shag Lee? I think she'll be waiting a while. Although once Jasmine hovers off back to her crypt, she might have half a chance. Jim chatting up Casey, ha.
They are making Sam say she has feelings for Ollie! That's cruel! He's onto her! Sam is one of the housemates who has to be directed to become entertaining. That's a sign of a very poor housemate.
Haha, Jasmine starting on Casey for no reason! Mean Big Brother. This is imaginary drama. Casey's been looking for an excuse to shout at Jasmine.
Jim and Lionel in their parkas pontificating. I don't mind there being old grumpies in the house, as long as they're funny.
Dappy's apology to Luisa did seem quite heartfelt. He could just be a TRUE GAMER. 'I've got kids, too.' Aw. Ha, I'm such a softie, I find it hard to hold a grudge. I guarantee I'll be off him again by the end of the show.
I don't know what Ollie sees in Sam! He should hook up with Casey. I bet Lee would fancy Casey again if someone else showed an interest in her.
LOL to those who didn't get to go to the sex party. Quite interesting choices for each party. OMG what is Lee wearing! Mixing a children's show with a sex party seems WRONG.
Dappy: 'If you're happy and you know it.' OMG Lionel just said 'suck my dick!'
Ugh this sex task is groo. I liked seeing Ollie letting his hair down, though. And so is Lionel! Sam did not look impressed with Jasmine's pole dancing.
The children's bit is creepier than the sex bit. OMG LEE RYAN'S POLE DANCING. It had to be seen to be believed. I took photos. I am scarred for life. He obviously DID spend a lot of time in the strip club. Ollie did not look impressed, and nor did Lionel or Sam. Luisa obviously wasn't that sexy as she didn't get much air time. Why didn't we see Ollie strip!!! Big Bruvver!
Lionel only did it to join in! Ha. Why is Lionel throwing his toys out of the pram? Lionel's moaning about what the girls did. What about what Lee did! What about Lionel going 'SUCK MY DICK'! I want to see the whole of that sex party uncut and decide for myself.
LOL to Jasmine calling Jim a grumpy old git. Jim and Lionel are so touchy! Talk about crabby.
Ha to Jim's disgust at Katy Perry. He don't want to hear her roar. He's got Russell Brand-itis. I wanted them to play another song just as they went to bed, something really annoying.
Is Jasmine naked? Are her and Luisa making out? I think Jim's gonna go hang himself. Why is Jasmine going out there? Leave the old man alone. Ha, he's pretending to be asleep. He's not mad. He's just about to throttle Jasmine. I like the way she laughed and lit a cigarette. She's quite cruel. I think she could crack him. I think she could push him over the edge.
Don't have nightmares.
Saturday, 11 January 2014
Celebrity Big Brother 2014: I've never had one STD, just a urine infection
'It's 2013. I respect women'. Well, I don't know much, but I know neither of those statements are true. Not sure how I'm going to write thing fucking thing right now, but think my Dappy bile should keep me fired up.
Lee: 'You don't fall in love as many times as you go to Nandos.' Depends on if you're Lee Ryan, or that dude trying to get his free Nandos card.
Oh STFU about this love triangle already. I don't want to hear another word about it. Casey is a bit possessive over Lee. What does she see in him? I've barely heard Liz slag anyone off, which is a little disappointing.
LEE: stop whining, you prick. JUST SHUT UP. BB must understand we're getting sick of this now. God, he's such a big baby.
Not quite sure what point Dappy is trying to make with 'it's 2013' especially when, er, it's not. So let's just assess how this conversation started. Dappy was bragging about fucking about on tour. Then: 'A fucking hoe.' Well, now we get down to the brass tacks. I'm glad Casey witnessed this. Old turnip head piping up with 'there aint no such thing as equal' - well we already know he has no respect for gay people or horses, so why not women, too? Get to fuck, Evander.
Dappy: 'Come back' after he just called them a 'fucking hoe.' So weird that he would rather be a pig than a slag. Because being a slag is so awful and that can only be applied to women. SIGH.
What has it got to do with Dappy how many men or women Luisa has slept with, in one night, or one lifetime, it's NONE OF HIS FUCKING BUSINESS.
RELAX YOURSELF. 'Ask Linda if she agrees!' Who gives a fuck if Linda agrees or not? Who cares if she slept with five men in one night or 50 men in 10 years? What the fuck as it got to do with this little cunt? How many dumb self-hating fucking bitches have slept with this little pipsqueak? Who is he to tell other people how to live their life when he's getting his donkey schlong out to boost his record sales! WHAT A FUCKING HYPOCRITE!
'I respect women.' Here's how Dappy respects women. He spits on them in BP garages. He calls them slags. He cheats on the mother of his child. With this sort of respect, he's starting to make Lee Ryan look like Hugh Grant in Notting Hill.
LOL Dappy has struggled in life. On the mean streets of fucking Hertfordshire. How does HE know Luisa has never struggled in life? What the fuck do any of us know about anyone else's life?! He's making judgements left right and centre.
Dappy is being an aggressive little cunt. He should have been called to the DR and told to chill the fuck out.
Dappy: 'I bet Sam don't agree with that.' Yeah, let's hear Sam's opinion on the matter. Oh, sorry, she's too busy SITTING ON THE FENCE RIGHT NOW. Why isn't Jim telling Dappy to chill his fucking boots? Why is NO ONE SPEAKING!
Linda; 'Are you alright, Luisa?' after Dappy's gone. Brave. Evander backing up Dappy's horseshit. Thank God he's gone. Thanks FUCK.
Dappy IS a little kid. He's 26! He acts like some kid on the back of the bus throwing chips at you.
LOL to 'you just can't buy class'. He had a go at her for being a snob, so she might as well act like one.
What is this bullshit about Dappy listening outside the DR door? That shouldn't be allowed WHATSOEVER. Put him in his fucking nappy again and leave him there until he shits his pants this time. He acts like he's a newborn, so treat him like one.
What is this shit about 'are you going to tell your daughter how many people you've slept with.' Who TELLS their daughter that?! What planet is he on. You don't HAVE THAT CONVERSATION WITH YOUR PARENTS. (Well, I have, but my mum was drunk at the time).
Oh my God, is he STILL GOING ON? Big Brother, call him to the Diary Room, this is fucking harrassment. Why would Dappy's mother have ANYTHING to be ashamed about! She's brought up such a lovely boy, probably in between fucking guys left right and centre and NOT telling Dappy about it, like normal parents do.
Ah, now the GCSE grades come out. Here come the big guns, gangsters. That's when you know we mean business. Whilst living in the ghetto, Dappy was also school swot and master prefect. No mention of A levels though, I notice, and I don't think they give out degrees in cuntery. I'm still agog he got one grade higher than me for English, he can't even speak it. Still, this is mature. 'An A and B in stuck up' was quite funny, though.
The level of rage I'm feeling towards the TV is not healthy. I don't know how Luisa contained herself not to knock his fucking teeth out. She would have been a HERO. I swear he was goading her to try and get that sort of reaction. BB should have stepped in.
Did you know Dappy had an A plus in English? HAS HE MENTIONED IT? Hold on, it's gone from an A plus in maths to a B in maths. I want to see the actual certificates. I'm not buying any of this. I only got an A and I'm a writer and wasn't gangbanging and drug dealing at the time, so how did he get an A plus when he was keeping it street? This RE-SOOM-AY DON'T ADD UP, as Alan Sugar would say.
Ha to Lee going 'ooh, quick' when the row started again.
Your agent told you to keep your fucking mouth shut' was the biggest ownage of the night. Just brilliant. Luisa is a brave woman to even talk about having sex on TV, and she certainly doesn't need anyone sticking up for her in this row. She's tough.
Why is Dappy wearing a jacket from Millets? It looks like the sort of jacket your dad would wear for a country walk. SWAG.
'I'm not a prick, though.' I do not understand why he has not been given a warning for this. I thought they weren't allowed to say things that could cause offense to people watching. Well I know I'm only an inferior WOMAN but I am fucking OFFENDED so give him is warning, please. In fact give him his suitcase and dump him on the hard shoulder somewhere so I don't ever have to look at the little maggot again.
Dappy: moral arbiter. I reckon he would go to a sex party. He's an ANIMAL.I think it's terrible that no one stuck up for Luisa. Jim is being a dick, Luisa was just DEFENDING HERSELF. Jasmine is the only person on her side.
Ha to Linda and Jim having a laugh for once. They must be desperate.
LOL, Dappy is bringing out the three number one singles now. Morrissey would be fuming, he's never had a number one.
Now we've covered the GCSEs and the records, Dappy's having to resort to the fact he's never had an STD, but he had a urine infection. Just amazing. He's either an evil genius, or least self-aware man on the planet. I've changed my mind, keep in him. It's just non stop entertainment, it really is. Just let it keep digging and digging and digging.
Why is Linda DEFENDING Dappy!? Disgusting. Who cares about Dappy's mum? She brought up that fucking thing. She deserves no respect.
I'm glad Lee and Casey saw all that bullshit today before they voted, because it helped that Luisa was getting browbeaten and slut-shamed all day long.
I still think it's bad manners how Evander when out, even though he was a plank and an ignoramus. He's still a guest in our country and deserved a proper goodbye and a sorry from Lee and Casey who were acting like selfish dickheads. Good to see Dappy lose his wingman, though.
Why is idiot Lee hugging Dappy after the way he's been behaving today. Dappy is Lee's only way to redeem himself. The only person who can make Lee look decent. Dappy must be particularly annoyed that Evander went over that harlot Luisa.
Jasmine: 'she clearly thinks she's got him back.' I think Jasmine only wants Lee if someone else is interested in him. I think she's just that sort of person.
I hate it when they go back in and go on and on about all they've seen. What is that fucking waistcoat Lee is wearing? Jasmine looks good tonight. Lee is acting like a little idiot. Jasmine is loving the attention.
This BB feels like it's been on for years but it's cos I've had to stop so many times to spout off.It has taken me an hour and a half to watch it.
Jim is talking to Luisa about things she says being taken the wrong way. Hold on, whilst I get my pot and kettle out.
You ARE OAPS, Jim and Lionel. It's just a fact. Why is Lionel bagging on her now, she's already had a rough day. Oh, shut up, Jim. He's making it worse.
I don't think Luisa wants to go home, I think she feels victimised, demeaned, humilated and embarrassed, which is exactly what Dappy wanted.
Is this Big Brother sponsored by no brand vodka and lemonade? They seem to have crates of the stuff. Jim: 'Do you think I'm being myself in here, I'd be thrown out in a minute.' Well, at least he's honest and we know it's true. It's called self-awareness. That was a strange sort of comforting Jim did there.
Why is LIONEL stirring the pot now? He IS an OAP, deal with it. Stop trying to get airtime! Go to fucking bed, old man.
At last, Linda speaks sense! Telling Dappy to grow up. Ha, Linda, 'If I could I would.' That's the sort of thing my mum would say! Does anyone really believe Lionel's feeling are hurt? Today Luisa has been called a slag, a loose woman and a bad mother. You got called OLD which you ARE. We all get old and we all die and to make it to 82 with jazz hands still agogo is not doing too shabby, so get over it.
I think Dappy must have been on the phone to his agent in the Diary Room because he's now apologising to Luisa. LOL to Dappy and Luisa cuddling. She's a bigger woman than I am, I'd cut his fucking nuts off in the middle of the night, with Jim Davidson's egg slicer, if to hand. Let's see how long this truce lasts.
OH GOD PLEASE NO MORE LEE STUFF. 'I didn't look in her eyes the way I look in your eyes.' Is the reptile crying? What the fuck is she crying about? She's probably got something in her eye.
SO MUCH RAGE. Good to get that out of my system, though, right? Better out than in. I'm honestly going to take a valium now. And probably watch a cartoon or something. Relax yourself, indeed. Swag!
Lee: 'You don't fall in love as many times as you go to Nandos.' Depends on if you're Lee Ryan, or that dude trying to get his free Nandos card.
Oh STFU about this love triangle already. I don't want to hear another word about it. Casey is a bit possessive over Lee. What does she see in him? I've barely heard Liz slag anyone off, which is a little disappointing.
LEE: stop whining, you prick. JUST SHUT UP. BB must understand we're getting sick of this now. God, he's such a big baby.
Not quite sure what point Dappy is trying to make with 'it's 2013' especially when, er, it's not. So let's just assess how this conversation started. Dappy was bragging about fucking about on tour. Then: 'A fucking hoe.' Well, now we get down to the brass tacks. I'm glad Casey witnessed this. Old turnip head piping up with 'there aint no such thing as equal' - well we already know he has no respect for gay people or horses, so why not women, too? Get to fuck, Evander.
Dappy: 'Come back' after he just called them a 'fucking hoe.' So weird that he would rather be a pig than a slag. Because being a slag is so awful and that can only be applied to women. SIGH.
What has it got to do with Dappy how many men or women Luisa has slept with, in one night, or one lifetime, it's NONE OF HIS FUCKING BUSINESS.
RELAX YOURSELF. 'Ask Linda if she agrees!' Who gives a fuck if Linda agrees or not? Who cares if she slept with five men in one night or 50 men in 10 years? What the fuck as it got to do with this little cunt? How many dumb self-hating fucking bitches have slept with this little pipsqueak? Who is he to tell other people how to live their life when he's getting his donkey schlong out to boost his record sales! WHAT A FUCKING HYPOCRITE!
'I respect women.' Here's how Dappy respects women. He spits on them in BP garages. He calls them slags. He cheats on the mother of his child. With this sort of respect, he's starting to make Lee Ryan look like Hugh Grant in Notting Hill.
LOL Dappy has struggled in life. On the mean streets of fucking Hertfordshire. How does HE know Luisa has never struggled in life? What the fuck do any of us know about anyone else's life?! He's making judgements left right and centre.
Dappy is being an aggressive little cunt. He should have been called to the DR and told to chill the fuck out.
Dappy: 'I bet Sam don't agree with that.' Yeah, let's hear Sam's opinion on the matter. Oh, sorry, she's too busy SITTING ON THE FENCE RIGHT NOW. Why isn't Jim telling Dappy to chill his fucking boots? Why is NO ONE SPEAKING!
Linda; 'Are you alright, Luisa?' after Dappy's gone. Brave. Evander backing up Dappy's horseshit. Thank God he's gone. Thanks FUCK.
Dappy IS a little kid. He's 26! He acts like some kid on the back of the bus throwing chips at you.
LOL to 'you just can't buy class'. He had a go at her for being a snob, so she might as well act like one.
What is this bullshit about Dappy listening outside the DR door? That shouldn't be allowed WHATSOEVER. Put him in his fucking nappy again and leave him there until he shits his pants this time. He acts like he's a newborn, so treat him like one.
What is this shit about 'are you going to tell your daughter how many people you've slept with.' Who TELLS their daughter that?! What planet is he on. You don't HAVE THAT CONVERSATION WITH YOUR PARENTS. (Well, I have, but my mum was drunk at the time).
Oh my God, is he STILL GOING ON? Big Brother, call him to the Diary Room, this is fucking harrassment. Why would Dappy's mother have ANYTHING to be ashamed about! She's brought up such a lovely boy, probably in between fucking guys left right and centre and NOT telling Dappy about it, like normal parents do.
Ah, now the GCSE grades come out. Here come the big guns, gangsters. That's when you know we mean business. Whilst living in the ghetto, Dappy was also school swot and master prefect. No mention of A levels though, I notice, and I don't think they give out degrees in cuntery. I'm still agog he got one grade higher than me for English, he can't even speak it. Still, this is mature. 'An A and B in stuck up' was quite funny, though.
The level of rage I'm feeling towards the TV is not healthy. I don't know how Luisa contained herself not to knock his fucking teeth out. She would have been a HERO. I swear he was goading her to try and get that sort of reaction. BB should have stepped in.
Did you know Dappy had an A plus in English? HAS HE MENTIONED IT? Hold on, it's gone from an A plus in maths to a B in maths. I want to see the actual certificates. I'm not buying any of this. I only got an A and I'm a writer and wasn't gangbanging and drug dealing at the time, so how did he get an A plus when he was keeping it street? This RE-SOOM-AY DON'T ADD UP, as Alan Sugar would say.
Ha to Lee going 'ooh, quick' when the row started again.
Your agent told you to keep your fucking mouth shut' was the biggest ownage of the night. Just brilliant. Luisa is a brave woman to even talk about having sex on TV, and she certainly doesn't need anyone sticking up for her in this row. She's tough.
Why is Dappy wearing a jacket from Millets? It looks like the sort of jacket your dad would wear for a country walk. SWAG.
'I'm not a prick, though.' I do not understand why he has not been given a warning for this. I thought they weren't allowed to say things that could cause offense to people watching. Well I know I'm only an inferior WOMAN but I am fucking OFFENDED so give him is warning, please. In fact give him his suitcase and dump him on the hard shoulder somewhere so I don't ever have to look at the little maggot again.
Dappy: moral arbiter. I reckon he would go to a sex party. He's an ANIMAL.I think it's terrible that no one stuck up for Luisa. Jim is being a dick, Luisa was just DEFENDING HERSELF. Jasmine is the only person on her side.
Ha to Linda and Jim having a laugh for once. They must be desperate.
LOL, Dappy is bringing out the three number one singles now. Morrissey would be fuming, he's never had a number one.
Now we've covered the GCSEs and the records, Dappy's having to resort to the fact he's never had an STD, but he had a urine infection. Just amazing. He's either an evil genius, or least self-aware man on the planet. I've changed my mind, keep in him. It's just non stop entertainment, it really is. Just let it keep digging and digging and digging.
Why is Linda DEFENDING Dappy!? Disgusting. Who cares about Dappy's mum? She brought up that fucking thing. She deserves no respect.
I'm glad Lee and Casey saw all that bullshit today before they voted, because it helped that Luisa was getting browbeaten and slut-shamed all day long.
I still think it's bad manners how Evander when out, even though he was a plank and an ignoramus. He's still a guest in our country and deserved a proper goodbye and a sorry from Lee and Casey who were acting like selfish dickheads. Good to see Dappy lose his wingman, though.
Why is idiot Lee hugging Dappy after the way he's been behaving today. Dappy is Lee's only way to redeem himself. The only person who can make Lee look decent. Dappy must be particularly annoyed that Evander went over that harlot Luisa.
Jasmine: 'she clearly thinks she's got him back.' I think Jasmine only wants Lee if someone else is interested in him. I think she's just that sort of person.
I hate it when they go back in and go on and on about all they've seen. What is that fucking waistcoat Lee is wearing? Jasmine looks good tonight. Lee is acting like a little idiot. Jasmine is loving the attention.
This BB feels like it's been on for years but it's cos I've had to stop so many times to spout off.It has taken me an hour and a half to watch it.
Jim is talking to Luisa about things she says being taken the wrong way. Hold on, whilst I get my pot and kettle out.
You ARE OAPS, Jim and Lionel. It's just a fact. Why is Lionel bagging on her now, she's already had a rough day. Oh, shut up, Jim. He's making it worse.
I don't think Luisa wants to go home, I think she feels victimised, demeaned, humilated and embarrassed, which is exactly what Dappy wanted.
Is this Big Brother sponsored by no brand vodka and lemonade? They seem to have crates of the stuff. Jim: 'Do you think I'm being myself in here, I'd be thrown out in a minute.' Well, at least he's honest and we know it's true. It's called self-awareness. That was a strange sort of comforting Jim did there.
Why is LIONEL stirring the pot now? He IS an OAP, deal with it. Stop trying to get airtime! Go to fucking bed, old man.
At last, Linda speaks sense! Telling Dappy to grow up. Ha, Linda, 'If I could I would.' That's the sort of thing my mum would say! Does anyone really believe Lionel's feeling are hurt? Today Luisa has been called a slag, a loose woman and a bad mother. You got called OLD which you ARE. We all get old and we all die and to make it to 82 with jazz hands still agogo is not doing too shabby, so get over it.
I think Dappy must have been on the phone to his agent in the Diary Room because he's now apologising to Luisa. LOL to Dappy and Luisa cuddling. She's a bigger woman than I am, I'd cut his fucking nuts off in the middle of the night, with Jim Davidson's egg slicer, if to hand. Let's see how long this truce lasts.
OH GOD PLEASE NO MORE LEE STUFF. 'I didn't look in her eyes the way I look in your eyes.' Is the reptile crying? What the fuck is she crying about? She's probably got something in her eye.
SO MUCH RAGE. Good to get that out of my system, though, right? Better out than in. I'm honestly going to take a valium now. And probably watch a cartoon or something. Relax yourself, indeed. Swag!
Friday, 10 January 2014
Celebrity Big Brother 2014: Another vat of wine, dear?
Vodka. Check. Red bull. Check! First eviction? Check!
Who goes? Casey and Lee decide! WHAT?! I didn't vote to save Liz for this shit. They won't save Liz. They'll save the wicked witch Jasmine. Do housemates normally get this much power?! I was gonna vote again but don't think I'm gonna now. I hope it's Evander and Luisa in the bottom two.
Why is Jim getting cheered AGAIN! Bitches in the crowd be crazy.
Casey: 'They're talking about you.' Lee: 'What are they saying?' 'You're a cunt.' OK, she didn't say that. But she should have! She should be winding him up to high heaven. LOL to her laughing at him for crying. She's a good sport, you know.
Jasmine, get your hands off my Ollie!
Poor Liz feels ostracised. 'I'm not the sort of person you'd go on holiday with.' Me either!
Lionel smearing Jim's good name saying he used to be a playa. Don't be a playa hater! I like Casey's peacock leggings.
Dappy is gawping at Luisa. Maybe he's going to stab her. Or spit on her? Jasmine, stop bagging on Liz! Sometimes writers are betting on paper than in person. Me, for example.
Does Dappy have his swag on in a nappy? I'm not sure Dappy has his swag on ever. Fair play to him for putting it on, though.
Lee loves love. I heard that can be catching. BUT FIRST.
What's this witches alliance Luisa and Jasmine have set up? Liz is right, they ARE bullies. Or at the very least, nasties.
I can't believe how much I like Casey now compared to when she went in. Why is Lee talking about 'the worst thing he's ever done'? Is he brain-damaged?
Sliming tasks are a bore. Ollie getting uppity about being called fake. Aww. I don't find Dappy fake. Dappy is 4 realz! You knows it. There's only one slime watch in that house, and that's whenever the camera's on Lee.
Who's safe? 'Get Jasmine out' - ha. Not the homewrecker card. Lee and Casey's home was definitely just a starter home.
'Your fate is sealed' is not as good as 'It's time to go' as they say on BBAU.
LOL Jim is safe. I'm glad, he actually DOES have more to give, unbelievably, even though he's hateful. Who's that chump in the audience who keeps chanting 'Love you Dappy'? Is he 'bent' - to use a Dappyism.
Jasmine safe too! How?!
'Get Luisa out' is a bit of a mouthful to chant. Too many syllables.
Lee, put your belly away. Casey warning Lee off Jasmine. No ulterior motive there. Not at all. Lee is not capable of just being friends with a girl without wanting to waggle his willy on them.
Liz daring to bring up the H word. Where's Dappy? Is Evander bragging that he PUNCHED A HORSE to LIZ JONES? Get a clue, mate! 'I was embarrassed by what the horse did.' Ha. Again, where's Dappy?
Ollie fancies Sam! Why? You might as well fancy a brick wall. I don't watch TOWIE but she's given us NOTHING so far.
Christ, Jim first advocating nuclear war, now armed police! What's up with him!? Oh Linda, STFU. 'Another vat of wine, dear?' They're like real parents who hate each other, ha.
Jim isn't really being aggressive, he's just quite blunt, but so is Linda. Their arguments are quite boring.
Oh, Lee, put that woman down, you freak. Talk about mixed signals!
Jasmine: 'What did he finger you, who gives a fuck'. Ha, that's the attitude. 'I didn't put that thing in my mouth.' That thing! Hahahahaha!
OMG did he lick Jasmine out?! That's one way to keep his fucking gob shut. On the second night in the house, though! Mother of God.
YES! Liz is safe! That was my money well spent. Liz isn't boring. No more boring than Abz was, and he came second, admittedly to the biggest bunch of pricks on the planet.
Get Evander out! Get Evander out! Will they boot him, though? Will they DARE?
Did the video fuck up or what? Ollie looks scared! At least they're showing the housemates some of what Lee and Casey said, too.
Evander aint looking too happy. I think he knows. Lee was quick to decide. He decided before the 30 seconds even began. Lee is quite brave (ish) because he probably think Evander is actually popular. He isn't.
I would have thought Evander would be happy to go. He's not exactly fitting in, is he? I think he just doesn't like losing.
Lee and Casey, not exactly tactful coming back in whooping with delight. Dappy didn't look too pleased.
Did Lee and Casey even say sorry to Evander? Did Evander just try and leave via the DR door? I don't think anyone said goodbye to him.
I hope he enjoys coming out anyway. I just tweeted that and got the most retweets I think I've ever had.I could be the new Jimmy Carr.
I don't even like horses and I hate Evander, so good riddance. He thought he was the second out. Even if Lee and Casey has been evicted, he would be third.
Did Emma really just say Evander is loved?! This is a woman who roasted Hazel and Courtney for being WOMEN and patted Daley on the back. What a crock.
Evander: mic fail. Emma is tanking this interview. She's not even going to ask him about the homophobia, is she? Nope. Not at all. Honestly, the way she's torn some of the female housemates apart for KISSING and he gets off the hook completely? SHAMEFUL! That interview was a car crash. I don't think Evander knew the name of one of his housemates except Dappy.
Bring on the live feed...! Half an hour, you say? SO GENEROUS!
Who goes? Casey and Lee decide! WHAT?! I didn't vote to save Liz for this shit. They won't save Liz. They'll save the wicked witch Jasmine. Do housemates normally get this much power?! I was gonna vote again but don't think I'm gonna now. I hope it's Evander and Luisa in the bottom two.
Why is Jim getting cheered AGAIN! Bitches in the crowd be crazy.
Casey: 'They're talking about you.' Lee: 'What are they saying?' 'You're a cunt.' OK, she didn't say that. But she should have! She should be winding him up to high heaven. LOL to her laughing at him for crying. She's a good sport, you know.
Jasmine, get your hands off my Ollie!
Poor Liz feels ostracised. 'I'm not the sort of person you'd go on holiday with.' Me either!
Lionel smearing Jim's good name saying he used to be a playa. Don't be a playa hater! I like Casey's peacock leggings.
Dappy is gawping at Luisa. Maybe he's going to stab her. Or spit on her? Jasmine, stop bagging on Liz! Sometimes writers are betting on paper than in person. Me, for example.
Does Dappy have his swag on in a nappy? I'm not sure Dappy has his swag on ever. Fair play to him for putting it on, though.
Lee loves love. I heard that can be catching. BUT FIRST.
What's this witches alliance Luisa and Jasmine have set up? Liz is right, they ARE bullies. Or at the very least, nasties.
I can't believe how much I like Casey now compared to when she went in. Why is Lee talking about 'the worst thing he's ever done'? Is he brain-damaged?
Sliming tasks are a bore. Ollie getting uppity about being called fake. Aww. I don't find Dappy fake. Dappy is 4 realz! You knows it. There's only one slime watch in that house, and that's whenever the camera's on Lee.
Who's safe? 'Get Jasmine out' - ha. Not the homewrecker card. Lee and Casey's home was definitely just a starter home.
'Your fate is sealed' is not as good as 'It's time to go' as they say on BBAU.
LOL Jim is safe. I'm glad, he actually DOES have more to give, unbelievably, even though he's hateful. Who's that chump in the audience who keeps chanting 'Love you Dappy'? Is he 'bent' - to use a Dappyism.
Jasmine safe too! How?!
'Get Luisa out' is a bit of a mouthful to chant. Too many syllables.
Lee, put your belly away. Casey warning Lee off Jasmine. No ulterior motive there. Not at all. Lee is not capable of just being friends with a girl without wanting to waggle his willy on them.
Liz daring to bring up the H word. Where's Dappy? Is Evander bragging that he PUNCHED A HORSE to LIZ JONES? Get a clue, mate! 'I was embarrassed by what the horse did.' Ha. Again, where's Dappy?
Ollie fancies Sam! Why? You might as well fancy a brick wall. I don't watch TOWIE but she's given us NOTHING so far.
Christ, Jim first advocating nuclear war, now armed police! What's up with him!? Oh Linda, STFU. 'Another vat of wine, dear?' They're like real parents who hate each other, ha.
Jim isn't really being aggressive, he's just quite blunt, but so is Linda. Their arguments are quite boring.
Oh, Lee, put that woman down, you freak. Talk about mixed signals!
Jasmine: 'What did he finger you, who gives a fuck'. Ha, that's the attitude. 'I didn't put that thing in my mouth.' That thing! Hahahahaha!
OMG did he lick Jasmine out?! That's one way to keep his fucking gob shut. On the second night in the house, though! Mother of God.
YES! Liz is safe! That was my money well spent. Liz isn't boring. No more boring than Abz was, and he came second, admittedly to the biggest bunch of pricks on the planet.
Get Evander out! Get Evander out! Will they boot him, though? Will they DARE?
Did the video fuck up or what? Ollie looks scared! At least they're showing the housemates some of what Lee and Casey said, too.
Evander aint looking too happy. I think he knows. Lee was quick to decide. He decided before the 30 seconds even began. Lee is quite brave (ish) because he probably think Evander is actually popular. He isn't.
I would have thought Evander would be happy to go. He's not exactly fitting in, is he? I think he just doesn't like losing.
Lee and Casey, not exactly tactful coming back in whooping with delight. Dappy didn't look too pleased.
Did Lee and Casey even say sorry to Evander? Did Evander just try and leave via the DR door? I don't think anyone said goodbye to him.
I hope he enjoys coming out anyway. I just tweeted that and got the most retweets I think I've ever had.I could be the new Jimmy Carr.
I don't even like horses and I hate Evander, so good riddance. He thought he was the second out. Even if Lee and Casey has been evicted, he would be third.
Did Emma really just say Evander is loved?! This is a woman who roasted Hazel and Courtney for being WOMEN and patted Daley on the back. What a crock.
Evander: mic fail. Emma is tanking this interview. She's not even going to ask him about the homophobia, is she? Nope. Not at all. Honestly, the way she's torn some of the female housemates apart for KISSING and he gets off the hook completely? SHAMEFUL! That interview was a car crash. I don't think Evander knew the name of one of his housemates except Dappy.
Bring on the live feed...! Half an hour, you say? SO GENEROUS!
Thursday, 9 January 2014
Celebrity Big Brother 2014: I think everybody outside understands
Ooh, looks like it's going to be a good 'un tonight. We barely need nominations at this rate.
What is the 'personalised promise bible'? Does it say 'Evander' in place of Jesus?
Marcus missed an opportunity to say 'Dappy is taking a nappy' there.
Lee is not being perceived well with the public 'because of what Casey did.' Wow. Oh, so she could have kept her mouth shut? Perhaps you could have KEPT YOUR DICK IN YOUR PANTS. Victim blaming little pipsqueak. 'Too sensitive'! Pull the other one. My boyfriend said he FELT SORRY for Lee during the fake eviction! Should make for a fun podcast on Saturday. It's going to be a long one!
Ha, Lee must be shitting himself that Casey and Jasmine are talking. Casey is quite straight, I like it. She doesn't beat around the bush, she says what she thinks. Lee is twitching! What a prick. He really is a wanker.
Jasmine is not pissed off because JASMINE DOES NOT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU, Lee. You passed up on a girl who actually seems quite switched on. Lee is griping, bitching and wielding a knife. Health and safety!
Lee, you DID say you really liked Casey AND that you wanted a girlfriend! And then you rubbed your whiny little hard on against her. And she's annoyed! I wonder why. Does he really not get it? I think he does get it. He's just playing dumb. No one is that stupid.
Haha, there's a rat in the kitchen, what am I going to do! Lee is crying by the knives. Dappy is comforting him whilst wearing sunglasses and kissing him on the head. This is TV GOLD. This is 'yes, you are being funny, mummy.' Lee is worried about other people looking 12? Crying over a girl not liking him! What a scrotum. How DARE he say Casey is causing him drama? If he really liked Jasmine I guess he should have held off for one night. Horny little toad. Get Lee out! Shame, shame, we know your name.
He actually seemed mildly considerate to Casey as he went up the stairs. Didn't last long though!
Ha, Lionel is pleased Dappy is saved.
I don't think Lee wanted to go back in the house. I think he just wanted to crawl into a hole and die, perhaps letting out one final squeal like a helium balloon losing air before he collapsed.
Did Jim Davidson actually just say, 'no one likes a fanny rat'?! And Luisa said 'exactly'! I am agog. I really am. FANNY RAT! Dear God. *clutches pearls*
Sam sticking the knife into Lee the second he goes. Faiers enough. (Sorry)
Lee is saying he DID say he liked Casey to her now! I think Lee has got the words 'flirt' and 'jerk' confused. Ha, Lee trying to stop Casey listening to the live feed. At least they got live feed, y'all. More than we got.
Lee: 'I didn't say I loved you.' That was big of you after three days. Oh Lee, just put a sock in it! Butterflies! Send in the fly spray. 'When I was in the alien room...' It's called a spaceship, Lee. A spaceship.
Dappy, just after nominations starts is NOT the right time to pick a fight. Dappy is doing a tally of Luisa's arguments. I hear he's got an A* in English. Not sure he's done so well in maths. Why has Dappy got the hump? Sleeping all day? Poor lamb. No worries, there's no live feed anyway.
Uh oh, Dappy is talking nominations! HAS HE NEVER SEEN BIG BROTHER BEFORE! You're not allowed to influence nom-noms!
Ooh, Lee and Casey get to watch nominations. Cool.
Oh no, Ollie nommed Liz! Liz isn't asking questions - what sort of journalist is she?! Ooh, he's nominated Evander. He must feel the anti-bi vibes. He's nominating him for not cleaning. Not that old schtick! Lamest reason in the book - shouldn't be allowed.
Ooh, Evander nominating Jasmine. No American solidarity here. Lee getting uppity about it. Ha, Evander is nominating Ollie for being 'nice.' Not because he likes snogging blokes, no siree.
Linda is nomming Jim - shocker! And Liz - boo.
Doctor Jim is telling Liz to get some anxiety meds. Followed by 'most men would fuck a frog when it stops hopping.' Seriously, what charm school did he go to? His wife must feel like a very special lady! Ribbet.
Sam nommed Luisa for bitching. Luisa is a stirrer. She also nominated Jim for bagging on Linda.
Dappy nominated Luisa horizontally. OMG he nominated Liz! Nooooooo! They were buddies! His reason was quite fair, though, because she put him in jeopardy. Even Liz couldn't argue with that.
Lionel nominated Jasmine 'finger bang' Waltz. Lionel also nommed Jim. I thought they were bros. Casey is right about the one upmanship.
Oh Lee, STFU about Jasmine. She's like an anaconda. She doesn't give two fucks if you live or die.
I wish Ollie was stroking my hair. Mmm, Ollie.
Luisa nommed Dappy for keeping his mouth shut. Could be good if he's gonna start spitting everywhere. That is annoying, though, we want Dappy to be Dappy. She also nommed Jim.
Liz nominated Luisa for the shopping list wars. 'If we were at school together she'd probably bully me.' Ha. She also nommed Evander for saying 'animals don't have souls.' Good. He probably thinks gay people don't either.
Jim nominated Linda - shocker (again). He also nommed Liz! Boo. It was the Lauren Harries type nomination because she's fragile. I'm surprised he didn't say Jasmine.
Jasmine nominated Jim. It was big of Casey to say Jasmine was beautiful. But we all know what 'free spirit' meant in that context. Who else did Jasmine nominate?!
They're gonna cancel some of the nominations, aren't they? I hope Evander goes. He adds nothing and he's a homophobe. Ooh, they're putting five up. Good!
I can't stand Linda. Does she ever smile? All I ever hear is negative crap come out of her mouth.
Aw, Casey still likes Lee! Bless. She's a real glutton for punishment.
Casey is right to be wary of Luisa. Who's Lee on the phone to? The Banker? Aw, poor Casey!
What, they didn't cancel any of the noms? Weird.
OOH, it's vote to save! I wonder who will go? I'm gonna vote to save Liz. Luisa could be vulnerable, maybe? I want Evander to go! I hope Jim and Jasmine stay because they create controversy. And what do you want from a Big Brother house, Janice Battersby smoking a fag on a bench? Thought not.
What is the 'personalised promise bible'? Does it say 'Evander' in place of Jesus?
Marcus missed an opportunity to say 'Dappy is taking a nappy' there.
Lee is not being perceived well with the public 'because of what Casey did.' Wow. Oh, so she could have kept her mouth shut? Perhaps you could have KEPT YOUR DICK IN YOUR PANTS. Victim blaming little pipsqueak. 'Too sensitive'! Pull the other one. My boyfriend said he FELT SORRY for Lee during the fake eviction! Should make for a fun podcast on Saturday. It's going to be a long one!
Ha, Lee must be shitting himself that Casey and Jasmine are talking. Casey is quite straight, I like it. She doesn't beat around the bush, she says what she thinks. Lee is twitching! What a prick. He really is a wanker.
Jasmine is not pissed off because JASMINE DOES NOT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU, Lee. You passed up on a girl who actually seems quite switched on. Lee is griping, bitching and wielding a knife. Health and safety!
Lee, you DID say you really liked Casey AND that you wanted a girlfriend! And then you rubbed your whiny little hard on against her. And she's annoyed! I wonder why. Does he really not get it? I think he does get it. He's just playing dumb. No one is that stupid.
Haha, there's a rat in the kitchen, what am I going to do! Lee is crying by the knives. Dappy is comforting him whilst wearing sunglasses and kissing him on the head. This is TV GOLD. This is 'yes, you are being funny, mummy.' Lee is worried about other people looking 12? Crying over a girl not liking him! What a scrotum. How DARE he say Casey is causing him drama? If he really liked Jasmine I guess he should have held off for one night. Horny little toad. Get Lee out! Shame, shame, we know your name.
He actually seemed mildly considerate to Casey as he went up the stairs. Didn't last long though!
Ha, Lionel is pleased Dappy is saved.
I don't think Lee wanted to go back in the house. I think he just wanted to crawl into a hole and die, perhaps letting out one final squeal like a helium balloon losing air before he collapsed.
Did Jim Davidson actually just say, 'no one likes a fanny rat'?! And Luisa said 'exactly'! I am agog. I really am. FANNY RAT! Dear God. *clutches pearls*
Sam sticking the knife into Lee the second he goes. Faiers enough. (Sorry)
Lee is saying he DID say he liked Casey to her now! I think Lee has got the words 'flirt' and 'jerk' confused. Ha, Lee trying to stop Casey listening to the live feed. At least they got live feed, y'all. More than we got.
Lee: 'I didn't say I loved you.' That was big of you after three days. Oh Lee, just put a sock in it! Butterflies! Send in the fly spray. 'When I was in the alien room...' It's called a spaceship, Lee. A spaceship.
Dappy, just after nominations starts is NOT the right time to pick a fight. Dappy is doing a tally of Luisa's arguments. I hear he's got an A* in English. Not sure he's done so well in maths. Why has Dappy got the hump? Sleeping all day? Poor lamb. No worries, there's no live feed anyway.
Uh oh, Dappy is talking nominations! HAS HE NEVER SEEN BIG BROTHER BEFORE! You're not allowed to influence nom-noms!
Ooh, Lee and Casey get to watch nominations. Cool.
Oh no, Ollie nommed Liz! Liz isn't asking questions - what sort of journalist is she?! Ooh, he's nominated Evander. He must feel the anti-bi vibes. He's nominating him for not cleaning. Not that old schtick! Lamest reason in the book - shouldn't be allowed.
Ooh, Evander nominating Jasmine. No American solidarity here. Lee getting uppity about it. Ha, Evander is nominating Ollie for being 'nice.' Not because he likes snogging blokes, no siree.
Linda is nomming Jim - shocker! And Liz - boo.
Doctor Jim is telling Liz to get some anxiety meds. Followed by 'most men would fuck a frog when it stops hopping.' Seriously, what charm school did he go to? His wife must feel like a very special lady! Ribbet.
Sam nommed Luisa for bitching. Luisa is a stirrer. She also nominated Jim for bagging on Linda.
Dappy nominated Luisa horizontally. OMG he nominated Liz! Nooooooo! They were buddies! His reason was quite fair, though, because she put him in jeopardy. Even Liz couldn't argue with that.
Lionel nominated Jasmine 'finger bang' Waltz. Lionel also nommed Jim. I thought they were bros. Casey is right about the one upmanship.
Oh Lee, STFU about Jasmine. She's like an anaconda. She doesn't give two fucks if you live or die.
I wish Ollie was stroking my hair. Mmm, Ollie.
Luisa nommed Dappy for keeping his mouth shut. Could be good if he's gonna start spitting everywhere. That is annoying, though, we want Dappy to be Dappy. She also nommed Jim.
Liz nominated Luisa for the shopping list wars. 'If we were at school together she'd probably bully me.' Ha. She also nommed Evander for saying 'animals don't have souls.' Good. He probably thinks gay people don't either.
Jim nominated Linda - shocker (again). He also nommed Liz! Boo. It was the Lauren Harries type nomination because she's fragile. I'm surprised he didn't say Jasmine.
Jasmine nominated Jim. It was big of Casey to say Jasmine was beautiful. But we all know what 'free spirit' meant in that context. Who else did Jasmine nominate?!
They're gonna cancel some of the nominations, aren't they? I hope Evander goes. He adds nothing and he's a homophobe. Ooh, they're putting five up. Good!
I can't stand Linda. Does she ever smile? All I ever hear is negative crap come out of her mouth.
Aw, Casey still likes Lee! Bless. She's a real glutton for punishment.
Casey is right to be wary of Luisa. Who's Lee on the phone to? The Banker? Aw, poor Casey!
What, they didn't cancel any of the noms? Weird.
OOH, it's vote to save! I wonder who will go? I'm gonna vote to save Liz. Luisa could be vulnerable, maybe? I want Evander to go! I hope Jim and Jasmine stay because they create controversy. And what do you want from a Big Brother house, Janice Battersby smoking a fag on a bench? Thought not.
Wednesday, 8 January 2014
Celebrity Big Brother 2014: Fake eviction - Lee Crying
Evening! I'm so glad it's not a real eviction, but a fake eviction. Let's hope we see some Gina and Dexter style magic with Liz and Dappy in the bolthole. Or the bunghole, as my boyfriend has renamed it.
Casey: 'He's not done anything with Jasmine.' Er...
Is Liz wearing Ollie Locke's onesie?
Cats are cats, and dogs are dogs and Jim Davidson's a dick. What's going on under that tin foil, though? Lee has mistaken a space blanket for a wank shield.
Jim on the 'lovebirds': 'Sounded like he was whisking an omelette.' What sex act sounds like that!?
Evander listing his children beginning with E. Nothing could ever top the vain-gloriousness of Jermajesty.
LOL to the woman in the audience saying Dappy's a 'sort'.
I can't work out if I like this alien task or not. I like things to do with aliens in general. I like Alex Jones and Richplanet. Dappy has gone to smash some shit up. He thinks he's Will Smith in Independence Day. I love that Liz is Dappy's damsel in distress. Look at the way he threw himself into that task. I love Dappy! Except for the fact he said 'bent'. But they never showed that. So they must love Dappy, too.
Oh fuck me, not the electric shocks again. Ha, this is quite funny, actually. Liz Jones is being a good sport. I think she's enjoying the electric buzz. I like Dappy's urgency to win.
Dappy agog that Jasmine's sex tape could be 43 minutes long. 'What were you doing for that much time, baby?' Says it ALL, bruv!
Fucking hell, man, look at that audience, it's like the Jeremy Kyle audience just kicked off the zombie apocolypse.
Shopping list woes! Ha to Liz calling Luisa stupid. It ALWAYS kicks off! Lee giving Casey high fives now. Lordy.
Lee: 'I hate drama.' Sure creates enough of it. He needs condoms; is that for Jasmine or Casey? I don't think he's fussed. He's NOT attractive, why is he swanning round like the big 'I am'! He's behaving like such a douche he's making Dappy look well-mannered.
Jim and Lionel doing panto talk. They are going in deep with the characters. I don't think Dick Whittington and Buttons are that well thought out.
Casey has every right to be mad with Lee. She HAS been played. Lee to Jasmine: 'Please move here.' What a freak. I hope he gets booed to fuck when he comes out.
You know when Casey says something Lee's going to make her out to be a psycho. Lee calling someone else OFF KEY! That's a fucking joke. Even Jasmine says he's led Casey on. Casey shouldn't feel stupid: Lee is the prick here.
Ha, Jim letting the toilet antics out of the bag to Ollie and Sam. LOL. Lee is done for. Ollie is so cute, I love him, onesie or no.
Lee Ryan: 'Upset about what?' UPSET THAT YOU'RE A CUNT! You were rubbing your willy on her, you fucking pig. Casey could win off the back of this shit, I tell you. She's a sweet thing. Lee has traded in a nice girl for a sex cyborg.
Ha, they're chanting 'get Lee out.' He's actually gone red. He looks sick! I love it! About time they're chanting a MAN'S name for once! Haha, it was so loud, too. His face is an absolute picture.
Poor Casey thinks she's going to get evicted because she's chained to Lee. Talk about a double slap in the face.
Look at Evander eating his apple as he's hearing the eviction results. He's just chilling.
Lee, stop saying 'I love you' to a girl you don't love. Lee, you take a breather, you fucking prick. OMG he's being so out of order. What an arse. 'You're not my girlfriend.' Fuck off.
Bi convo. All four of these people are bi. Even Lee Ryan is trying to jump on the bi bandwagon. Ollie is claiming first bi dibs on a reality show. Is that true? Poor Ollie can't get none cos girls think he's gay. I'm bi-friendly, Ollie. I'll give you a chance.
OH MY GOD, my cat just brought in an ALIVE mouse! I had to round up two cats, pick it up in a dustpan and brush and run outside with no shoes on in the rain, hide it in a bush (it was in shock but moving) and come back and shut the cats in. My heart is POUNDING! Who knows what's happening in Big Brother now! Fuck me. That was stress. I need some valium. Ok, unpause the TV. Thank God, for Sky Plus or I'd have just thrown the mouse across the fence and ran back in, ha.
I can't watch Lee snogging Cruella. She's like a less likeable Carla Connor. Luisa, Lee and Jasmine haven't got a soul between them. Is Jasmine's specialty crawling into the toilet with Lee? She must be desperate, either that or she really likes Aquafresh. Lee's 'taps on' trick isn't really working, is it?
How come Ollie is deemed 'safe' to sleep with the girls? That bi card gets you some currency. It's so obvious Lee and Casey will go in the bolthole. Bet Jasmine says she never fancied him the second he leaves.
Lee: 'It's not you, it's me.' Well, that's true. Ha to Dappy and Liz getting cheered. Look at Liz's eye make up. She looks like Joan Collins.
Casey and Lee got the boot... well the bolt. If this was for real, Casey would have the right to be LIVID. Liz and Dappy would have been better.
They need to speed up this leaving bit. It's like Big Brother Australia, they're leaving so slow. Poor Casey, she looks stoic. Ha, she looked mad as hell coming out those doors. This is pure hilarity.
Casey's BOOBS! Haha, Lee didn't look too happy to be going back in. 'I hate you lot.' Emma: 'They feel the same about you.'
Bet Casey gets off with him again! Lee is a rotter. This should be good TV, anyway. They really seem to hate each other. Lee: 'I hate the way I'm being perceived.' Yes, it's probably just the editing, you jug-eared twonk. If Casey plays this right, she could really come out on top. Lee is done for and he knows it.
Ha, they're all talking about Lee already and Casey and Lee are watching. I think Lee and Casey are going to bond. Ha, Jasmine is rich, saying Lee is hurting someone! 'It's kind of a relief for me.' And there it ends. Too good. Live feed, please!
PS: No podcast til the weekend cos he's working! Sorry and thanks for spreading the word, one of ours got 550 listens. That's probably more than sales of the last Blue tune.
Casey: 'He's not done anything with Jasmine.' Er...
Is Liz wearing Ollie Locke's onesie?
Cats are cats, and dogs are dogs and Jim Davidson's a dick. What's going on under that tin foil, though? Lee has mistaken a space blanket for a wank shield.
Jim on the 'lovebirds': 'Sounded like he was whisking an omelette.' What sex act sounds like that!?
Evander listing his children beginning with E. Nothing could ever top the vain-gloriousness of Jermajesty.
LOL to the woman in the audience saying Dappy's a 'sort'.
I can't work out if I like this alien task or not. I like things to do with aliens in general. I like Alex Jones and Richplanet. Dappy has gone to smash some shit up. He thinks he's Will Smith in Independence Day. I love that Liz is Dappy's damsel in distress. Look at the way he threw himself into that task. I love Dappy! Except for the fact he said 'bent'. But they never showed that. So they must love Dappy, too.
Oh fuck me, not the electric shocks again. Ha, this is quite funny, actually. Liz Jones is being a good sport. I think she's enjoying the electric buzz. I like Dappy's urgency to win.
Dappy agog that Jasmine's sex tape could be 43 minutes long. 'What were you doing for that much time, baby?' Says it ALL, bruv!
Fucking hell, man, look at that audience, it's like the Jeremy Kyle audience just kicked off the zombie apocolypse.
Shopping list woes! Ha to Liz calling Luisa stupid. It ALWAYS kicks off! Lee giving Casey high fives now. Lordy.
Lee: 'I hate drama.' Sure creates enough of it. He needs condoms; is that for Jasmine or Casey? I don't think he's fussed. He's NOT attractive, why is he swanning round like the big 'I am'! He's behaving like such a douche he's making Dappy look well-mannered.
Jim and Lionel doing panto talk. They are going in deep with the characters. I don't think Dick Whittington and Buttons are that well thought out.
Casey has every right to be mad with Lee. She HAS been played. Lee to Jasmine: 'Please move here.' What a freak. I hope he gets booed to fuck when he comes out.
You know when Casey says something Lee's going to make her out to be a psycho. Lee calling someone else OFF KEY! That's a fucking joke. Even Jasmine says he's led Casey on. Casey shouldn't feel stupid: Lee is the prick here.
Ha, Jim letting the toilet antics out of the bag to Ollie and Sam. LOL. Lee is done for. Ollie is so cute, I love him, onesie or no.
Lee Ryan: 'Upset about what?' UPSET THAT YOU'RE A CUNT! You were rubbing your willy on her, you fucking pig. Casey could win off the back of this shit, I tell you. She's a sweet thing. Lee has traded in a nice girl for a sex cyborg.
Ha, they're chanting 'get Lee out.' He's actually gone red. He looks sick! I love it! About time they're chanting a MAN'S name for once! Haha, it was so loud, too. His face is an absolute picture.
Poor Casey thinks she's going to get evicted because she's chained to Lee. Talk about a double slap in the face.
Look at Evander eating his apple as he's hearing the eviction results. He's just chilling.
Lee, stop saying 'I love you' to a girl you don't love. Lee, you take a breather, you fucking prick. OMG he's being so out of order. What an arse. 'You're not my girlfriend.' Fuck off.
Bi convo. All four of these people are bi. Even Lee Ryan is trying to jump on the bi bandwagon. Ollie is claiming first bi dibs on a reality show. Is that true? Poor Ollie can't get none cos girls think he's gay. I'm bi-friendly, Ollie. I'll give you a chance.
OH MY GOD, my cat just brought in an ALIVE mouse! I had to round up two cats, pick it up in a dustpan and brush and run outside with no shoes on in the rain, hide it in a bush (it was in shock but moving) and come back and shut the cats in. My heart is POUNDING! Who knows what's happening in Big Brother now! Fuck me. That was stress. I need some valium. Ok, unpause the TV. Thank God, for Sky Plus or I'd have just thrown the mouse across the fence and ran back in, ha.
I can't watch Lee snogging Cruella. She's like a less likeable Carla Connor. Luisa, Lee and Jasmine haven't got a soul between them. Is Jasmine's specialty crawling into the toilet with Lee? She must be desperate, either that or she really likes Aquafresh. Lee's 'taps on' trick isn't really working, is it?
How come Ollie is deemed 'safe' to sleep with the girls? That bi card gets you some currency. It's so obvious Lee and Casey will go in the bolthole. Bet Jasmine says she never fancied him the second he leaves.
Lee: 'It's not you, it's me.' Well, that's true. Ha to Dappy and Liz getting cheered. Look at Liz's eye make up. She looks like Joan Collins.
Casey and Lee got the boot... well the bolt. If this was for real, Casey would have the right to be LIVID. Liz and Dappy would have been better.
They need to speed up this leaving bit. It's like Big Brother Australia, they're leaving so slow. Poor Casey, she looks stoic. Ha, she looked mad as hell coming out those doors. This is pure hilarity.
Casey's BOOBS! Haha, Lee didn't look too happy to be going back in. 'I hate you lot.' Emma: 'They feel the same about you.'
Bet Casey gets off with him again! Lee is a rotter. This should be good TV, anyway. They really seem to hate each other. Lee: 'I hate the way I'm being perceived.' Yes, it's probably just the editing, you jug-eared twonk. If Casey plays this right, she could really come out on top. Lee is done for and he knows it.
Ha, they're all talking about Lee already and Casey and Lee are watching. I think Lee and Casey are going to bond. Ha, Jasmine is rich, saying Lee is hurting someone! 'It's kind of a relief for me.' And there it ends. Too good. Live feed, please!
PS: No podcast til the weekend cos he's working! Sorry and thanks for spreading the word, one of ours got 550 listens. That's probably more than sales of the last Blue tune.
Tuesday, 7 January 2014
Celebrity Big Brother 2014: I'm not fucking Bono
If ever a series didn't need an alien invasion, it's this one. We don't need a rehash of Beadle's About when we've got a virtual porno kicking off. Actually, the spaceship doesn't look too bad. LOL is the electric shock suits?! So soon! Mind you, any time is too soon.
Lee Ryan and Liz have been abducted. Ha, micro-dermabrasion.They're not even waxing Lee, they're just razoring him! What a wimp!
Casey isn't the sharpest, telling BB she's been talking to Lee in code. Remember 'follow the van'? That was some old skool BB times.
Lee: 'You're not really allowed an opinion as a celebrity.' Tell that to Morrissey. Lee, don't be a crashing bore, vent your opinion, it's funny.
'Earlier Lionel was given an intergalactic space trumpet.' Well there are words I never thought I'd write. Space trumpet playing leads to Krispy Kreme donuts, apparently.
Evander rates himself, doesn't he! Is he allowed to touch the space trumpet? Just don't let him near the pink oboe.
Lee confiding in Liz is about the least touching moment I've ever seen on TV. Jasmine is is his kind of girl: 'a bit damaged'. Er, don't admit that on TV. That's like when men say they like anorexic girls or something. There's a reason a man wants a girl who's damaged, and it's not to put her back together again.
How is this alien reading tweets out?! Have aliens got Twitter, now? These tweets could be about either Luisa or Jasmine as they've both behaved like a pair of sex-mad loonies.
Do you think it's discrimination to pick up an alien as if it were a child? Discuss.
That Luisa is nasty saying Casey is looking to 'latch on' to someone. All she seems to want to do is waggle her tongue at Jasmine. I'm sure Lee said yesterday he wanted a girlfriend! Now he's saying he doesn't. What a knobber. I feel almost sorry for Casey, now. And her boobs.
Er... what is Jim Davidson eating! He has the table manners of a chimp. Linda is right to be wary of Jim: he's got the knives out for her. But she's not exactly been friendly to him, either.
Why are they playing Busted into the house? Liz Jones is like Michael Jackson or something in those sunglasses. Hold up, it's Intergalactic by the Beastie Boys. This is an indie disco classic. 'I'll still fry you in my wok... mmmmm drop!'
Jim: 'I love Ollie.' Ha! Does he know he's bi? Lies!
Lee Ryan is being a bastard. He HAS led Casey on because when they were unchained he was still in bed with her and jerking off and everything. So much for his kids watching.
Lee is serenading his housemates. Waaaaaaaa! Hide the breakables. Did Jim tell Jasmine to fuck off, or Lee? Is it OK to be rude to someone just because they're American?
Evander needs a Bible buddy.
Sam Faiers is the most boring housemate of all time. Have you seen her say one thing of interest?
Jim Davidson is not down for giving a bottle a blowjob. No, siree.
Lee: 'you know they're all talking about us.' You're the one who's been talking about it all day, prick! Lee Ryan hasn't even got 'big brother brain'. This is not a showmance. It's a woemance. I hope Casey shoots him down. I thought she dealt with him in quite a classy manner, actually, and then he's carping on like she's clinging to his leg begging for him, when actually she was like, 'whatever'.
Linda is just as shirty with Jim as he is with her. Look at her holding court! She's stirring it up.
Dappy: 'you lead it on, bro.' Who's the bigger misogynist, him, Lee, or Jim? I think Lee so far.
Now Lee's got back with Casey! No wonder he loves animals so much, this guy is a fucking dog. Talk about mixing! He's acting like he's not causing this whole situation.
Jim: 'What am I accused of?' I like Jim more than Linda right now. Is she trying to goad him? I don't get it!
I've slept under a space blanket before, on a crate, off my head, and it was fucking horrible. NOT sexy. Lee is like a horny little bitch! Poor Liz and Jim having to listen to Lee and Jasmine snogging, ten minutes after he said he liked Casey. BARE LIBERTIES.
OMG I think Lee went to jerk off in the loo again, and this time someone (Jasmine) followed him! Is that his pulling technique!? How must he behave in the outside world if he carries on like that in there?! Waaaaaaaa! What a creep. Come back, Duncan, all is forgiven. This is going to be a long three weeks at this rate. It's going to be doubly long if Lee and Casey get fake evicted together. I don't think I've ever seen someone two time another person in the Big Brother house. It's either the ultimate sluttery... or the ultimate strategy.
Lee Ryan and Liz have been abducted. Ha, micro-dermabrasion.They're not even waxing Lee, they're just razoring him! What a wimp!
Casey isn't the sharpest, telling BB she's been talking to Lee in code. Remember 'follow the van'? That was some old skool BB times.
Lee: 'You're not really allowed an opinion as a celebrity.' Tell that to Morrissey. Lee, don't be a crashing bore, vent your opinion, it's funny.
'Earlier Lionel was given an intergalactic space trumpet.' Well there are words I never thought I'd write. Space trumpet playing leads to Krispy Kreme donuts, apparently.
Evander rates himself, doesn't he! Is he allowed to touch the space trumpet? Just don't let him near the pink oboe.
Lee confiding in Liz is about the least touching moment I've ever seen on TV. Jasmine is is his kind of girl: 'a bit damaged'. Er, don't admit that on TV. That's like when men say they like anorexic girls or something. There's a reason a man wants a girl who's damaged, and it's not to put her back together again.
How is this alien reading tweets out?! Have aliens got Twitter, now? These tweets could be about either Luisa or Jasmine as they've both behaved like a pair of sex-mad loonies.
Do you think it's discrimination to pick up an alien as if it were a child? Discuss.
That Luisa is nasty saying Casey is looking to 'latch on' to someone. All she seems to want to do is waggle her tongue at Jasmine. I'm sure Lee said yesterday he wanted a girlfriend! Now he's saying he doesn't. What a knobber. I feel almost sorry for Casey, now. And her boobs.
Er... what is Jim Davidson eating! He has the table manners of a chimp. Linda is right to be wary of Jim: he's got the knives out for her. But she's not exactly been friendly to him, either.
Why are they playing Busted into the house? Liz Jones is like Michael Jackson or something in those sunglasses. Hold up, it's Intergalactic by the Beastie Boys. This is an indie disco classic. 'I'll still fry you in my wok... mmmmm drop!'
Jim: 'I love Ollie.' Ha! Does he know he's bi? Lies!
Lee Ryan is being a bastard. He HAS led Casey on because when they were unchained he was still in bed with her and jerking off and everything. So much for his kids watching.
Lee is serenading his housemates. Waaaaaaaa! Hide the breakables. Did Jim tell Jasmine to fuck off, or Lee? Is it OK to be rude to someone just because they're American?
Evander needs a Bible buddy.
Sam Faiers is the most boring housemate of all time. Have you seen her say one thing of interest?
Jim Davidson is not down for giving a bottle a blowjob. No, siree.
Lee: 'you know they're all talking about us.' You're the one who's been talking about it all day, prick! Lee Ryan hasn't even got 'big brother brain'. This is not a showmance. It's a woemance. I hope Casey shoots him down. I thought she dealt with him in quite a classy manner, actually, and then he's carping on like she's clinging to his leg begging for him, when actually she was like, 'whatever'.
Linda is just as shirty with Jim as he is with her. Look at her holding court! She's stirring it up.
Dappy: 'you lead it on, bro.' Who's the bigger misogynist, him, Lee, or Jim? I think Lee so far.
Now Lee's got back with Casey! No wonder he loves animals so much, this guy is a fucking dog. Talk about mixing! He's acting like he's not causing this whole situation.
Jim: 'What am I accused of?' I like Jim more than Linda right now. Is she trying to goad him? I don't get it!
I've slept under a space blanket before, on a crate, off my head, and it was fucking horrible. NOT sexy. Lee is like a horny little bitch! Poor Liz and Jim having to listen to Lee and Jasmine snogging, ten minutes after he said he liked Casey. BARE LIBERTIES.
OMG I think Lee went to jerk off in the loo again, and this time someone (Jasmine) followed him! Is that his pulling technique!? How must he behave in the outside world if he carries on like that in there?! Waaaaaaaa! What a creep. Come back, Duncan, all is forgiven. This is going to be a long three weeks at this rate. It's going to be doubly long if Lee and Casey get fake evicted together. I don't think I've ever seen someone two time another person in the Big Brother house. It's either the ultimate sluttery... or the ultimate strategy.
Monday, 6 January 2014
Celebrity Big Brother 2014: Don't blame nuclear on chickens
This is shaping up to be a legacy season! We've got sex, bondage and rampant homophobes.
Evander still doesn't know what show he's on: 'do people come and clean the house?' No, and there's cameras watching you, too.
OMG what a hypocrite Lionel Blair is with his 'your mouth looks bigger today' comment implying Jasmine sucked Dappy off! So HE'S alright to talk about deep throating first thing in the morning. Grim.
Nature talk with Lee Ryan! Careful, now. LOL to them singing 'All rise' whilst speculating about Lee Ryan's sex life.
Luisa: 'You're such a cool, calm dude' to Evander. Yesterday proved otherwise. Will he redeem himself? Will it be a Conor situation and he'll take the money and run?
Ollie has fallen in love with Lionel. I've fallen in love with Ollie. OMG all Casey talks about is her boobs! It's pathetic. She makes me ashamed to be a woman.
Luisa seems quite proud to call herself a 'coke-taking sex addict.' I'm surprised she's having this sex party talk in front of Evander. I wouldn't dare. Dappy: 'What does that [women having sex] consist of?' Evander doesn't seem that bothered about the 'double-ended dildo' talk! Are girls being gay OK? Is that not like having your foot on wonky? Hypocrite!
Ha, we've seen this rope untangling game on BBUS. Do you think some are more tangled than others? I'm inclined to think everything's a fix.
So up are Liz, Dappy, Evander, Luisa, Casey and Lee. All depends if it's vote to save or vote to evict.
I think the handcuff task is good because it makes them appreciate their time in the house, rather than whinging like they did last year. Now they can run wild!
Ollie is doing some good strategy in the DR here. Crying and theatrics.
I like the fact this Luisa is quite a bitch. I'm not sure the lesbian gameplan is going to pay off, though. I think it might just be an excuse to you know, be a slut (I'm saying that in the sex positive sense, ha!) Casey is just like a cardboard cut out off Babestation. I don't find her attractive. She's making me feel sexist against MY OWN SEX by mentioning her boobs all the time. Women are more than just body parts!
Luisa: 'are you gay or straight?' to Ollie. Have you heard of BISEXUALS? You ARE ONE! These people are so weird. Why does it have to be one or the other?
Why is Liz wearing that drab tracksuit? 'I'm not used to people being nice to me.' Aw. Keep her in!
Linda telling off the girls for being bitchy; spoilsport! Luisa: 'I say it as I see it.' She'd be good on Catchphrase. I quite like her, in a way. At least she's 'being herself'. Ha!
Liz: 'I don't read the Bible cos it's nonsense.' Jim: 'Don't blame nuclear on chickens.' WTF. How do nuclear weapons keep the peace! If no one had any, wouldn't it be more peaceful? Aw, it's too deep for Lee Ryan. Tell that to the victims of 9/11. I like it when they talk politics in the BB house! It's so rare.
Why is Linda always trying to prove herself to Jim!
Lee Ryan is keeping his options open. 'Playing the fuck out of all these hoes' as Jasmine so eloquently put it.
Oh dear, Lee Ryan going all 'tings' and 'bruv' with Dappy, fo' shame. Shut it, Granddad.
Jim Davidson is horrible but he IS funny sometimes! Cruel, but funny. Liz Jones is so fragile! She's like a little sparrow. I want her to have a 'journey' lol.
Don't pillow fight, Lee and Casey, that's how the Daley/Hazel war began.
Dappy makes me feel physically sick, but you can't deny he's entertaining. Why has he got his cap on in the bath! This hot tub scene is soooo childish!
Does Lee even fancy that boring pair of boobs he was chained to? It seems like a relationship of convenience to me. I think he'd rather be with Dappy in the hot tub.
OMG Dappy is like the pimp daddy in there! This is worse than when George Galloway was the cat. It's making my vagina curl up and die. Is this motorboat thing really happening? How did Dappy pull this shit off?! This is the rudest Big Brother EVER! I'm actually quite shocked, we're normally quite stuck up and prim.
Jim's 'get the taste out of your mouth' comment - gag! Imagine what noise Lee Ryan makes when he orgasms! Waaaaaaaa!
At least Evander is keeping it holy and civillised - apart from his raging homophobia, obviously.
Luisa calling Dappy cringe! That's rich. She is shameless. What must Alan Sugar think? I'm glad Margaret isn't still around to witness this.
Thought Dappy was going to pull the covers off Lee Ryan's bare arse there. Fucking hell, man, this is like Holland's Big Brother. OMG I thought Casey was going to go in the toilet with him then. But he just jerked himself off! Groo.
Wow it's a fake eviction! Cool! There's too much going on to kick two out at this stage. The 'bolt hole'! Is that a cleaned up version of the rape suite, I mean, the safe house? Yes! I'm loving this BB! Whoop.
Evander still doesn't know what show he's on: 'do people come and clean the house?' No, and there's cameras watching you, too.
OMG what a hypocrite Lionel Blair is with his 'your mouth looks bigger today' comment implying Jasmine sucked Dappy off! So HE'S alright to talk about deep throating first thing in the morning. Grim.
Nature talk with Lee Ryan! Careful, now. LOL to them singing 'All rise' whilst speculating about Lee Ryan's sex life.
Luisa: 'You're such a cool, calm dude' to Evander. Yesterday proved otherwise. Will he redeem himself? Will it be a Conor situation and he'll take the money and run?
Ollie has fallen in love with Lionel. I've fallen in love with Ollie. OMG all Casey talks about is her boobs! It's pathetic. She makes me ashamed to be a woman.
Luisa seems quite proud to call herself a 'coke-taking sex addict.' I'm surprised she's having this sex party talk in front of Evander. I wouldn't dare. Dappy: 'What does that [women having sex] consist of?' Evander doesn't seem that bothered about the 'double-ended dildo' talk! Are girls being gay OK? Is that not like having your foot on wonky? Hypocrite!
Ha, we've seen this rope untangling game on BBUS. Do you think some are more tangled than others? I'm inclined to think everything's a fix.
So up are Liz, Dappy, Evander, Luisa, Casey and Lee. All depends if it's vote to save or vote to evict.
I think the handcuff task is good because it makes them appreciate their time in the house, rather than whinging like they did last year. Now they can run wild!
Ollie is doing some good strategy in the DR here. Crying and theatrics.
I like the fact this Luisa is quite a bitch. I'm not sure the lesbian gameplan is going to pay off, though. I think it might just be an excuse to you know, be a slut (I'm saying that in the sex positive sense, ha!) Casey is just like a cardboard cut out off Babestation. I don't find her attractive. She's making me feel sexist against MY OWN SEX by mentioning her boobs all the time. Women are more than just body parts!
Luisa: 'are you gay or straight?' to Ollie. Have you heard of BISEXUALS? You ARE ONE! These people are so weird. Why does it have to be one or the other?
Why is Liz wearing that drab tracksuit? 'I'm not used to people being nice to me.' Aw. Keep her in!
Linda telling off the girls for being bitchy; spoilsport! Luisa: 'I say it as I see it.' She'd be good on Catchphrase. I quite like her, in a way. At least she's 'being herself'. Ha!
Liz: 'I don't read the Bible cos it's nonsense.' Jim: 'Don't blame nuclear on chickens.' WTF. How do nuclear weapons keep the peace! If no one had any, wouldn't it be more peaceful? Aw, it's too deep for Lee Ryan. Tell that to the victims of 9/11. I like it when they talk politics in the BB house! It's so rare.
Why is Linda always trying to prove herself to Jim!
Lee Ryan is keeping his options open. 'Playing the fuck out of all these hoes' as Jasmine so eloquently put it.
Oh dear, Lee Ryan going all 'tings' and 'bruv' with Dappy, fo' shame. Shut it, Granddad.
Jim Davidson is horrible but he IS funny sometimes! Cruel, but funny. Liz Jones is so fragile! She's like a little sparrow. I want her to have a 'journey' lol.
Don't pillow fight, Lee and Casey, that's how the Daley/Hazel war began.
Dappy makes me feel physically sick, but you can't deny he's entertaining. Why has he got his cap on in the bath! This hot tub scene is soooo childish!
Does Lee even fancy that boring pair of boobs he was chained to? It seems like a relationship of convenience to me. I think he'd rather be with Dappy in the hot tub.
OMG Dappy is like the pimp daddy in there! This is worse than when George Galloway was the cat. It's making my vagina curl up and die. Is this motorboat thing really happening? How did Dappy pull this shit off?! This is the rudest Big Brother EVER! I'm actually quite shocked, we're normally quite stuck up and prim.
Jim's 'get the taste out of your mouth' comment - gag! Imagine what noise Lee Ryan makes when he orgasms! Waaaaaaaa!
At least Evander is keeping it holy and civillised - apart from his raging homophobia, obviously.
Luisa calling Dappy cringe! That's rich. She is shameless. What must Alan Sugar think? I'm glad Margaret isn't still around to witness this.
Thought Dappy was going to pull the covers off Lee Ryan's bare arse there. Fucking hell, man, this is like Holland's Big Brother. OMG I thought Casey was going to go in the toilet with him then. But he just jerked himself off! Groo.
Wow it's a fake eviction! Cool! There's too much going on to kick two out at this stage. The 'bolt hole'! Is that a cleaned up version of the rape suite, I mean, the safe house? Yes! I'm loving this BB! Whoop.
Sunday, 5 January 2014
Celebrity Big Brother 2014: Them lot aint packing too tough
OMG I just saw Honey Boo Boo snot out of both nostrils. And they say Big Brother is low brow. Shit like that should come with a health warning.
Meanwhile, could this be the crassest Big Brother ever? Let's hope so. I just finished watching the sublime and wholesome Big Brother Australia, where they don't even boo when housemates get evicted.
Ugh the tap water in the Big Brother house looks white. What's going down in Borehamwood? Celebrities probably require extra fluoride.
Sam: 'your boobs come out' to Jasmine. They didn't come out, they were released.
Is that Luisa really 'born in the 80s' as her t-shirt proclaims? She looks older.
Lionel has been married 47 years. Evander has 11 children but he only did it 11 times. Evander did a lol! Maybe he will be worth having in the house after all. Imagine if a woman had 11 children. Ulrika be spitting.
Lee's got his camo gear on; ready for war. I couldn't be any less interested in that woman chained to Lee Ryan. My boyfriend said they should swap the people that are handcuffed to each other each day.
Oh it's good they can go in the Diary Room on their own. I like Ollie Locke and his jumper.
Sam is like Jasmine's nursemaid. Lionel sticking his finger up to indicate 'finger-banging' in the DR would make a good gif.
Is it just be or should advertised programme 'botched up bodies' simply be called 'botched bodies'? No matter.
Did Jim Davidson just say 'good' to never having bigger women in magazines! Lovely. Racist, homophobic and now promoting anorexia.
And the award for gross onesie of 2014 goes to Ollie Locke.
Ah, a classic shit stirring task. Dappy's roll eyes for Liz Jones condemning Rhianna for smoking waccy baccy.
I like Evander's random bragging. I like him more tonight! Maybe the jetlag is wearing off, ha.
I like Ollie. I could watch him all day. Bin the onesie, though. Burn the onesie!
Dappy's big dick got him a number one! Ha. Shameless.
I think Sam is duller than Joey Essex and that's saying something.
Liz Jones gets bonus points to me for slagging off Holly Willoughby. Fuck Pippy Schofield!
Linda to Liz: 'why do you feel the need to be controversial?' Cos she gets paid for it, dur.
Why is Dappy skulking around biting his nails? I don't think he likes Liz anymore. Aw.
Jim Davidson: Colombian marching powder FTW. Oh God, is he Bible bashing? He doesn't go near 'strong drugs' anymore. What about weak ones? God saved Jim Davidson! Fuck you, God. *shakes fist at God* Nicely sidestepped being a homophobic racist here.
Dappy's doing some talking to camera in the yard. Not sure what he's saying, though.
The housemates are always suss about journos in the house! Be nice to her and you'll be alright, right? Maybe.
Luisa punching Evander's hand was quite amusing. Her blood on his hand. Don't worry, she probably gets tested regularly for those sex parties. Evander did some good roll eyes in the DR, too. I like the fact he seems sick of Luisa.
So Lionel would evict Liz over Jasmine 'finger bang' waltz? Christ!
Of course the answer to which housemate would Sam evict right now is Jasmine. But she couldn't say that.
Jim Davidson is bringing out the journey card early. Play that card later on! 'Things from 38 years ago'. Surely he means 'non things from 38 years ago.' Yeah we'll all have a good laugh about sex allegations one day. Ha, ha!
Sam setting up Jasmine to sleep with Dappy. Jasmine: 'I'll sleep with any old...'
Why is Dappy doing press ups in the shower? With his hat on?
My boyfriend fancies that woman chained to Lee Ryan! Why!
Why is everyone hating on Liz! Boo! Liz is ace. I'd be chatting to Liz in there all day long.
So it's OK to talk about Dappy's dong but not finger banging! Double standards.
Why must we watch Lee and Casey brush their teeth every night?! She is just BOOBS. What else has she said.
Luisa saw Evander drop his homophobic gay boxer bomb and tried to stop him. Too late. Uh oh! If your leg is on wrong... comparing being gay to 'handicapped' people! Ohmydays. That's one way to handicap your game alright. I'm watching this late but I guess Twitter just went wild. You're telling me Jim Davidson is in that house and we've got Evander dropping that shit? Oh, Lord! Can we give him a warning, please. Poor Luisa, chained to a bigot. Don't do your vagina tongue face at him. Isn't she bi? Tell him!
Yes, they are giving him a warning! It was a private conversation, ha. On Big Brother.
I can't cope with this Dappy sex scene. 'You've got a tight little ass.' OMG. What is he doing.
Holyfield has a deviated septum and he's a bigot. Dappy is rubbing his dick and going 'told you'. Is this really all happening in one episode? In the third episode? Wowee.
We're going to up our game on the podcast front and do another tonight, too! See you there.
Meanwhile, could this be the crassest Big Brother ever? Let's hope so. I just finished watching the sublime and wholesome Big Brother Australia, where they don't even boo when housemates get evicted.
Ugh the tap water in the Big Brother house looks white. What's going down in Borehamwood? Celebrities probably require extra fluoride.
Sam: 'your boobs come out' to Jasmine. They didn't come out, they were released.
Is that Luisa really 'born in the 80s' as her t-shirt proclaims? She looks older.
Lionel has been married 47 years. Evander has 11 children but he only did it 11 times. Evander did a lol! Maybe he will be worth having in the house after all. Imagine if a woman had 11 children. Ulrika be spitting.
Lee's got his camo gear on; ready for war. I couldn't be any less interested in that woman chained to Lee Ryan. My boyfriend said they should swap the people that are handcuffed to each other each day.
Oh it's good they can go in the Diary Room on their own. I like Ollie Locke and his jumper.
Sam is like Jasmine's nursemaid. Lionel sticking his finger up to indicate 'finger-banging' in the DR would make a good gif.
Is it just be or should advertised programme 'botched up bodies' simply be called 'botched bodies'? No matter.
Did Jim Davidson just say 'good' to never having bigger women in magazines! Lovely. Racist, homophobic and now promoting anorexia.
And the award for gross onesie of 2014 goes to Ollie Locke.
Ah, a classic shit stirring task. Dappy's roll eyes for Liz Jones condemning Rhianna for smoking waccy baccy.
I like Evander's random bragging. I like him more tonight! Maybe the jetlag is wearing off, ha.
I like Ollie. I could watch him all day. Bin the onesie, though. Burn the onesie!
Dappy's big dick got him a number one! Ha. Shameless.
I think Sam is duller than Joey Essex and that's saying something.
Liz Jones gets bonus points to me for slagging off Holly Willoughby. Fuck Pippy Schofield!
Linda to Liz: 'why do you feel the need to be controversial?' Cos she gets paid for it, dur.
Why is Dappy skulking around biting his nails? I don't think he likes Liz anymore. Aw.
Jim Davidson: Colombian marching powder FTW. Oh God, is he Bible bashing? He doesn't go near 'strong drugs' anymore. What about weak ones? God saved Jim Davidson! Fuck you, God. *shakes fist at God* Nicely sidestepped being a homophobic racist here.
Dappy's doing some talking to camera in the yard. Not sure what he's saying, though.
The housemates are always suss about journos in the house! Be nice to her and you'll be alright, right? Maybe.
Luisa punching Evander's hand was quite amusing. Her blood on his hand. Don't worry, she probably gets tested regularly for those sex parties. Evander did some good roll eyes in the DR, too. I like the fact he seems sick of Luisa.
So Lionel would evict Liz over Jasmine 'finger bang' waltz? Christ!
Of course the answer to which housemate would Sam evict right now is Jasmine. But she couldn't say that.
Jim Davidson is bringing out the journey card early. Play that card later on! 'Things from 38 years ago'. Surely he means 'non things from 38 years ago.' Yeah we'll all have a good laugh about sex allegations one day. Ha, ha!
Sam setting up Jasmine to sleep with Dappy. Jasmine: 'I'll sleep with any old...'
Why is Dappy doing press ups in the shower? With his hat on?
My boyfriend fancies that woman chained to Lee Ryan! Why!
Why is everyone hating on Liz! Boo! Liz is ace. I'd be chatting to Liz in there all day long.
So it's OK to talk about Dappy's dong but not finger banging! Double standards.
Why must we watch Lee and Casey brush their teeth every night?! She is just BOOBS. What else has she said.
Luisa saw Evander drop his homophobic gay boxer bomb and tried to stop him. Too late. Uh oh! If your leg is on wrong... comparing being gay to 'handicapped' people! Ohmydays. That's one way to handicap your game alright. I'm watching this late but I guess Twitter just went wild. You're telling me Jim Davidson is in that house and we've got Evander dropping that shit? Oh, Lord! Can we give him a warning, please. Poor Luisa, chained to a bigot. Don't do your vagina tongue face at him. Isn't she bi? Tell him!
Yes, they are giving him a warning! It was a private conversation, ha. On Big Brother.
I can't cope with this Dappy sex scene. 'You've got a tight little ass.' OMG. What is he doing.
Holyfield has a deviated septum and he's a bigot. Dappy is rubbing his dick and going 'told you'. Is this really all happening in one episode? In the third episode? Wowee.
We're going to up our game on the podcast front and do another tonight, too! See you there.
Saturday, 4 January 2014
Celebrity Big Brother 2014: Noble and fucking dope
Ooh, hello. Please spare us an 8 hour recap. Who knew Jim Davidson was an OBE? Mind you, the Queen loves alleged (and genuine) sex offenders. Should I rephrase that? Nah, sod it. I'm no Sally Bercow. Woman!
Everything that comes out of Jim's mouth is cringeworthy. Everything is sexual or just horrible. 'I've been staring at you for a week' are not words you want to hear come out of his mouth, either.
Liz Jones' face says it all. It's like her and Dappy are speaking different languages. Dappy: 'I'm a cool, young character.' Well, if you say so. Stick with Dappy, Liz, you'll go far. Or get evicted. One or the other.
So we've got Lionel to blame for Jim's fame. Thanks, Lionel.
Jasmine putting vodka down her pants already; that's my girl. They shouldn't give them spirits! Give them more spirits.
Evander seems totally lost. Poor sod. Does he really need the money? Dappy telling Evander about his media image. Who cares!
Let's see how long 'we've got a nice bunch of people' lasts.
I have that throw they have hanging over the couch. £30 in the sale on Very. Opulent indeed!
This handcuff thing is crap. Are you telling me they have to poo in front of each other. This is why we've got no live feed, cos as soon as the show finishes, they all get unhandcuffed and probably sent to Jackie Stallone's private suite. I know your game, Big Bruvver!
Dappy and Liz seem one of the happiest couples together, to be honest. I love Dappy, he is 100% entertainment. No doubt he'll be out on his ear first.
Oh dear, Dappy is going 'I'm not going home.' Wolfy!
Jim Davidson banging on about 'showbusiness. 'Evander has got jet-lag; the Spencer and Heidi defence.
I think I'd rather be chained to Big Ron than Evander. His social skills needs a little work. I feel sorry for The Apprentice chief vagina licker. Evander is upset he can't put on his pyjamas. Luisa: 'I don't want to sleep in this dress, it's quite expensive.' They're not going to make then sleep in the handcuffs.
Evander is telling his one story about Mike Tyson. Might as well evict him now. Luisa looks bored out of her brain. Oh God, a Christian, too. Bring back Stephen Baldwin.
Dappy: journo hate. He loves Liz Jones. Wait until he sees what she writes about him after. Dappy, you're not allowed to say 'pow, pow pow' in the Big Brother house, haven't you heard. He's got bare things up his sleeve. Give Dappy a cigar and he'll be set. Which 'brunette ting' is he after? VOLUMPTUOUS. Ha. Dappy is better than I could have even dreamt.
Liz is missing Dappy She always looks stressed, ha.
Respect to Jasmine for keeping hold of her drink when she fell over. That's a true gamer.
Jasmine is dragging Towie round like a reluctant dog. WTF is up with her? She's a mess!
LOL to Dappy on the pull! 'Do you like bad boys?' OMG he's taking advantage of a drunk woman! Did he try and bite her?
I like this Jasmine, she knows what she wants. I wouldn't fuck with her.
What medical reasons give Lionel his own bed! Has he got an orthopedic mattress? How can you sleep handcuffed, it's a health hazard.
Jasmine's got the boobs out! Wowee. She is gonna be GOOOOOOOOD value. OMG, she's assaulting Lee Ryan.
I feel really sorry for Sam from Towie now! She can't even go DR and plead sexual assault! Where did they find her! What she's done has been worse than Daley in my opinion.
Dappy has his Dappy hat on! Isn't it wrong to make Sam breathe Jasmine's second hand smoke? This task has got health hazard written all over it.
Lionel doesn't look too pressed with the 'finger bang' each other talk. Even Dappy is appalled. That was TMI and then some. Indecent! I love how gentlemanly Ollie is.
Lionel doesn't expect to hear A GIRL say things like that. A man saying things like that is A-OK!
Jasmine is 'spiritual'. This is why I'm an atheist. She makes Charlotte from Geordie Shore look like Brian Sewell. What a first night show, though! Amazing.
Everything that comes out of Jim's mouth is cringeworthy. Everything is sexual or just horrible. 'I've been staring at you for a week' are not words you want to hear come out of his mouth, either.
Liz Jones' face says it all. It's like her and Dappy are speaking different languages. Dappy: 'I'm a cool, young character.' Well, if you say so. Stick with Dappy, Liz, you'll go far. Or get evicted. One or the other.
So we've got Lionel to blame for Jim's fame. Thanks, Lionel.
Jasmine putting vodka down her pants already; that's my girl. They shouldn't give them spirits! Give them more spirits.
Evander seems totally lost. Poor sod. Does he really need the money? Dappy telling Evander about his media image. Who cares!
Let's see how long 'we've got a nice bunch of people' lasts.
I have that throw they have hanging over the couch. £30 in the sale on Very. Opulent indeed!
This handcuff thing is crap. Are you telling me they have to poo in front of each other. This is why we've got no live feed, cos as soon as the show finishes, they all get unhandcuffed and probably sent to Jackie Stallone's private suite. I know your game, Big Bruvver!
Dappy and Liz seem one of the happiest couples together, to be honest. I love Dappy, he is 100% entertainment. No doubt he'll be out on his ear first.
Oh dear, Dappy is going 'I'm not going home.' Wolfy!
Jim Davidson banging on about 'showbusiness. 'Evander has got jet-lag; the Spencer and Heidi defence.
I think I'd rather be chained to Big Ron than Evander. His social skills needs a little work. I feel sorry for The Apprentice chief vagina licker. Evander is upset he can't put on his pyjamas. Luisa: 'I don't want to sleep in this dress, it's quite expensive.' They're not going to make then sleep in the handcuffs.
Evander is telling his one story about Mike Tyson. Might as well evict him now. Luisa looks bored out of her brain. Oh God, a Christian, too. Bring back Stephen Baldwin.
Dappy: journo hate. He loves Liz Jones. Wait until he sees what she writes about him after. Dappy, you're not allowed to say 'pow, pow pow' in the Big Brother house, haven't you heard. He's got bare things up his sleeve. Give Dappy a cigar and he'll be set. Which 'brunette ting' is he after? VOLUMPTUOUS. Ha. Dappy is better than I could have even dreamt.
Liz is missing Dappy She always looks stressed, ha.
Respect to Jasmine for keeping hold of her drink when she fell over. That's a true gamer.
Jasmine is dragging Towie round like a reluctant dog. WTF is up with her? She's a mess!
LOL to Dappy on the pull! 'Do you like bad boys?' OMG he's taking advantage of a drunk woman! Did he try and bite her?
I like this Jasmine, she knows what she wants. I wouldn't fuck with her.
What medical reasons give Lionel his own bed! Has he got an orthopedic mattress? How can you sleep handcuffed, it's a health hazard.
Jasmine's got the boobs out! Wowee. She is gonna be GOOOOOOOOD value. OMG, she's assaulting Lee Ryan.
I feel really sorry for Sam from Towie now! She can't even go DR and plead sexual assault! Where did they find her! What she's done has been worse than Daley in my opinion.
Dappy has his Dappy hat on! Isn't it wrong to make Sam breathe Jasmine's second hand smoke? This task has got health hazard written all over it.
Lionel doesn't look too pressed with the 'finger bang' each other talk. Even Dappy is appalled. That was TMI and then some. Indecent! I love how gentlemanly Ollie is.
Lionel doesn't expect to hear A GIRL say things like that. A man saying things like that is A-OK!
Jasmine is 'spiritual'. This is why I'm an atheist. She makes Charlotte from Geordie Shore look like Brian Sewell. What a first night show, though! Amazing.
Friday, 3 January 2014
Celebrity Big Brother 2014: Live launch
Hello again! It's time! I am watching alone, with alcohol! Beware.
How could they top the magic and ingenious casting of the last CBB? Well, the guests on any given day on This Morning would probably be a more effective strategy. I would pay to see that dude who thought he was Jesus Christ and Martin Lewis in the house over the latest goon from Towie. Surely we're done with the Loose Women now? I've been trying to avoid seeing who's been going in the house, as there's always rumours and half the time they're not true. Talking of This Morning, I'd be quite happy to see Katie Hopkins in there; at least she'd do what they failed to do last time: entertain. I want to hear no moaning about wanting to go home and no crying about missing family for three sodding weeks!
OK. Here we go.
Oh shit, I was fucking about when the credits came on. Recognised Dappy's voice, though.
Oh God, being shown round the house. Who gives a fuck. Down the farble stairs. No percent marble. It's had an upgrade since the eco stuff, I suppose. I guess a Callum wannabe won't be able to 'take it on board' on a bike. Why is Russia the theme?! Homophobes. Hopefully Putin is in the house. Give him Glenns vodka, that's what I'm on.
Hold up, I'm liking the DR chair. That's more like it, bit of bling.
UGH! Jim Davidson. I'd forgotten about him. Remember when he called Brian Dowling a shirtlifter? That was one of the most horrible things I'd ever seen on television. I'll never forget it and never forgive it. Disgraceful man. At least Brian doesn't have to pretend to be nice to him. Emma does.
Linda Nolan up next. Not another Nolan. Linda Nolan supports Samaritans though, so she's alright. A Nolan going in is the same as a Loose Woman going in really. Same mum bracket.
Some idiot is now defending Jim Davidson to me on Twitter! Ha! Shameful. Apparently me calling him a cunt is as bad as him doing a hate crime! Pathetic! It's hard tweeting and blogging, you know. It's like old media meets new media. It's like I'm writing with a quill from the future.
Nolan hating Davidson could see her become a hero. Ha, they're handcuffing them together. It's an oldie, but you know. Davidson will just be pleased he's not been handcuffed to a gay person. Linda Nolan appears to be wearing Kat Slater's dressing gown.
I've now been told by the Davidson defender 'not to tweet if i can't take a comment back.' No, I can't take a comment! You've made me cry! Boo hoo! Idiot. If women couldn't 'take a comment' on Twitter THERE'D BE NO WOMEN ON TWITTER. Oh God, I've had a red bull and a half. I'm getting aggressive. It's Big Brother that does this to me, honest.
Dappy! Kicked in the face by a horse. Are they sending the horse in, too? Dappy's mentioning da herb! Dappy FTW. His odds must be horrible. Put a tenner on him! He's got to be wearing that for a joke, right? I liked his retelling of the horse story. Measured up!
OMG they're sending in Liz Jones with Dappy! This is awesome! What fantastic casting. I take it ALL BACK. Liz Jones and Dappy. OMG. Liz Jones makes Katie Hopkins look sane. Liz Jones's articles are so brilliantly entertaining. I can't work out of she's a troll or just mentally ill. I would like any Daily Mail writers in there. Jan Moir, Amanda Plattell, Richard Littlejohn... all would be TV gold. I feel sorry for people who don't know who Liz Jones is yet. You will know her by the trail of the dead!
What goes up, must come down, so here comes a Towie. Someone who actually found Joey Essex attractive. How??!!! I saw this one on This Morning (!) and she actually seemed quite nice. I wonder if she can tell the time?
Who is Jasmine Waltz? Hopefully an arsehole. Oh, she seems quite nice. I like her. It's impossible to drink red bull, do two lots of Twitter bitching and write my blog. Something's got to give. And it's not the red bull.
Linda Nolan was right on it when the drinks got delivered. Don't blame her. Get Jim drunk and get him ejected. AGGRESSIVE? Etc.
I'm actually enjoying this launch show! What is going on? Just heard there's no live feed though, that's a bit of a bummer. I enjoyed that little bit from midnight to three, and I have a tablet now, so could cuddle it in bed like the world's biggest loser.
Is Dappy bitching about his image? Put a sock in it! Or just stand next to Tulisa.
Lee Ryan in next! Also an idiot. Fantastic. I have a secret, I fancy Lee Ryan a bit. I think it's his jug ears, because he sings like he's got his willy trapped in a door. Lee is a team player. That's lucky. What's that jacket he's wearing? He looks like a snooker player. Oh my God, it's a whole suit. Wait til he sees Dappy's, he'll be well jel. Lee Ryan is the best one out of Blue.
Casey looks like more the sort of housemate we expect; a glamour girl! I can cope with one or two when they've put this many obnoxious twats in the house. I think I might end up liking Lee and Dappy.
Next up is Ollie from Made in Chelsea. I hate to say it, but I fancy him, too. I've never seen that show but I've seen him ON things. I prefer his long hair, though. Hopefully Ollie will be like Ben Duncan. I love posh people, anyway. All of them! Except the Royals.
Oh poor Ollie, chained to Lionel Blair. At least we've HEARD of these people. My ex boyfriend has a pair of Lionel Blair's trousers, because they were in a play together and Lionel took a liking to him. Is that libelous? It's just hearsay! Apparently Lionel is straight. I'll just leave that there.
Ok, so I'm running out of steam now. Are we done? We're never done, are we? There's always some stupid twist. Oh, the twist is the handcuffs. Well, I can handle that.
Oh, two more. Luisa from The Apprentice. I don't watch The Apprentice because it's a dead format. Unlike Big Brother which can basically go on forever. She's just going on about being bi, basically. She has impressive eyebrows. I can't think of any Alan Sugar jokes.
Last in, Evander Holyfield. I'm guessing they spent a few quid on him. Looks like they've spent a few quid all round, actually. I know nothing about this guy apart from his ear getting bitten off. He seems pretty awkward. Not too keen on being handcuffed either. Don't you just hate men like that?
I can't take my eyes off Daffy's suit. At least Jim won't be racist with a black boxer in the house. Will he?!
Why has everyone got their name tags on wonky? Sack the props department!
That's quite an impressive side parting Dappy's got going on there. How tall is he, four foot? Are they sure it was a horse that kicked him and not a Shetland pony?
So Linda and Jim got to free one pair and could choose themselves. Bet they don't. People are always acting like do-gooders on BBUK. On BBUS they'd be slitting throats.
Why are Jim and Linda separating Dappy and Liz?! They are ruining the magic! Boo! Liz and Dappy WERE happy together! Oh no! Dappy and Liz are up for eviction. That fucking blows. It better be a vote to save. They are potentially the two most interesting in there.WHY with all the stupid twists! WHY!!! Just as I'm enjoying myself everything is RUINED!
BTW: for those who care, podcast tomorrow, AM. I am going to start drinking as soon as I wake up just for the benefit of it. I will bleed every last drop of this Christmas holiday before I go back to work! See you there.
How could they top the magic and ingenious casting of the last CBB? Well, the guests on any given day on This Morning would probably be a more effective strategy. I would pay to see that dude who thought he was Jesus Christ and Martin Lewis in the house over the latest goon from Towie. Surely we're done with the Loose Women now? I've been trying to avoid seeing who's been going in the house, as there's always rumours and half the time they're not true. Talking of This Morning, I'd be quite happy to see Katie Hopkins in there; at least she'd do what they failed to do last time: entertain. I want to hear no moaning about wanting to go home and no crying about missing family for three sodding weeks!
OK. Here we go.
Oh shit, I was fucking about when the credits came on. Recognised Dappy's voice, though.
Oh God, being shown round the house. Who gives a fuck. Down the farble stairs. No percent marble. It's had an upgrade since the eco stuff, I suppose. I guess a Callum wannabe won't be able to 'take it on board' on a bike. Why is Russia the theme?! Homophobes. Hopefully Putin is in the house. Give him Glenns vodka, that's what I'm on.
Hold up, I'm liking the DR chair. That's more like it, bit of bling.
UGH! Jim Davidson. I'd forgotten about him. Remember when he called Brian Dowling a shirtlifter? That was one of the most horrible things I'd ever seen on television. I'll never forget it and never forgive it. Disgraceful man. At least Brian doesn't have to pretend to be nice to him. Emma does.
Linda Nolan up next. Not another Nolan. Linda Nolan supports Samaritans though, so she's alright. A Nolan going in is the same as a Loose Woman going in really. Same mum bracket.
Some idiot is now defending Jim Davidson to me on Twitter! Ha! Shameful. Apparently me calling him a cunt is as bad as him doing a hate crime! Pathetic! It's hard tweeting and blogging, you know. It's like old media meets new media. It's like I'm writing with a quill from the future.
Nolan hating Davidson could see her become a hero. Ha, they're handcuffing them together. It's an oldie, but you know. Davidson will just be pleased he's not been handcuffed to a gay person. Linda Nolan appears to be wearing Kat Slater's dressing gown.
I've now been told by the Davidson defender 'not to tweet if i can't take a comment back.' No, I can't take a comment! You've made me cry! Boo hoo! Idiot. If women couldn't 'take a comment' on Twitter THERE'D BE NO WOMEN ON TWITTER. Oh God, I've had a red bull and a half. I'm getting aggressive. It's Big Brother that does this to me, honest.
Dappy! Kicked in the face by a horse. Are they sending the horse in, too? Dappy's mentioning da herb! Dappy FTW. His odds must be horrible. Put a tenner on him! He's got to be wearing that for a joke, right? I liked his retelling of the horse story. Measured up!
OMG they're sending in Liz Jones with Dappy! This is awesome! What fantastic casting. I take it ALL BACK. Liz Jones and Dappy. OMG. Liz Jones makes Katie Hopkins look sane. Liz Jones's articles are so brilliantly entertaining. I can't work out of she's a troll or just mentally ill. I would like any Daily Mail writers in there. Jan Moir, Amanda Plattell, Richard Littlejohn... all would be TV gold. I feel sorry for people who don't know who Liz Jones is yet. You will know her by the trail of the dead!
What goes up, must come down, so here comes a Towie. Someone who actually found Joey Essex attractive. How??!!! I saw this one on This Morning (!) and she actually seemed quite nice. I wonder if she can tell the time?
Who is Jasmine Waltz? Hopefully an arsehole. Oh, she seems quite nice. I like her. It's impossible to drink red bull, do two lots of Twitter bitching and write my blog. Something's got to give. And it's not the red bull.
Linda Nolan was right on it when the drinks got delivered. Don't blame her. Get Jim drunk and get him ejected. AGGRESSIVE? Etc.
I'm actually enjoying this launch show! What is going on? Just heard there's no live feed though, that's a bit of a bummer. I enjoyed that little bit from midnight to three, and I have a tablet now, so could cuddle it in bed like the world's biggest loser.
Is Dappy bitching about his image? Put a sock in it! Or just stand next to Tulisa.
Lee Ryan in next! Also an idiot. Fantastic. I have a secret, I fancy Lee Ryan a bit. I think it's his jug ears, because he sings like he's got his willy trapped in a door. Lee is a team player. That's lucky. What's that jacket he's wearing? He looks like a snooker player. Oh my God, it's a whole suit. Wait til he sees Dappy's, he'll be well jel. Lee Ryan is the best one out of Blue.
Casey looks like more the sort of housemate we expect; a glamour girl! I can cope with one or two when they've put this many obnoxious twats in the house. I think I might end up liking Lee and Dappy.
Next up is Ollie from Made in Chelsea. I hate to say it, but I fancy him, too. I've never seen that show but I've seen him ON things. I prefer his long hair, though. Hopefully Ollie will be like Ben Duncan. I love posh people, anyway. All of them! Except the Royals.
Oh poor Ollie, chained to Lionel Blair. At least we've HEARD of these people. My ex boyfriend has a pair of Lionel Blair's trousers, because they were in a play together and Lionel took a liking to him. Is that libelous? It's just hearsay! Apparently Lionel is straight. I'll just leave that there.
Ok, so I'm running out of steam now. Are we done? We're never done, are we? There's always some stupid twist. Oh, the twist is the handcuffs. Well, I can handle that.
Oh, two more. Luisa from The Apprentice. I don't watch The Apprentice because it's a dead format. Unlike Big Brother which can basically go on forever. She's just going on about being bi, basically. She has impressive eyebrows. I can't think of any Alan Sugar jokes.
Last in, Evander Holyfield. I'm guessing they spent a few quid on him. Looks like they've spent a few quid all round, actually. I know nothing about this guy apart from his ear getting bitten off. He seems pretty awkward. Not too keen on being handcuffed either. Don't you just hate men like that?
I can't take my eyes off Daffy's suit. At least Jim won't be racist with a black boxer in the house. Will he?!
Why has everyone got their name tags on wonky? Sack the props department!
That's quite an impressive side parting Dappy's got going on there. How tall is he, four foot? Are they sure it was a horse that kicked him and not a Shetland pony?
So Linda and Jim got to free one pair and could choose themselves. Bet they don't. People are always acting like do-gooders on BBUK. On BBUS they'd be slitting throats.
Why are Jim and Linda separating Dappy and Liz?! They are ruining the magic! Boo! Liz and Dappy WERE happy together! Oh no! Dappy and Liz are up for eviction. That fucking blows. It better be a vote to save. They are potentially the two most interesting in there.WHY with all the stupid twists! WHY!!! Just as I'm enjoying myself everything is RUINED!
BTW: for those who care, podcast tomorrow, AM. I am going to start drinking as soon as I wake up just for the benefit of it. I will bleed every last drop of this Christmas holiday before I go back to work! See you there.
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