Celebrity Big Brother 2014: I've never had one STD, just a urine infection

'It's 2013. I respect women'. Well, I don't know much, but I know neither of those statements are true. Not sure how I'm going to write thing fucking thing right now, but think my Dappy bile should keep me fired up.
Lee: 'You don't fall in love as many times as you go to Nandos.' Depends on if you're Lee Ryan, or that dude trying to get his free Nandos card.
Oh STFU about this love triangle already. I don't want to hear another word about it. Casey is a bit possessive over Lee. What does she see in him? I've barely heard Liz slag anyone off, which is a little disappointing.
LEE: stop whining, you prick. JUST SHUT UP. BB must understand we're getting sick of this now. God, he's such a big baby.
Not quite sure what point Dappy is trying to make with 'it's 2013' especially when, er, it's not. So let's just assess how this conversation started. Dappy was bragging about fucking about on tour. Then: 'A fucking hoe.' Well, now we get down to the brass tacks. I'm glad Casey witnessed this. Old turnip head piping up with 'there aint no such thing as equal' - well we already know he has no respect for gay people or horses, so why not women, too? Get to fuck, Evander.
Dappy: 'Come back' after he just called them a 'fucking hoe.' So weird that he would rather be a pig than a slag. Because being a slag is so awful and that can only be applied to women. SIGH.
What has it got to do with Dappy how many men or women Luisa has slept with, in one night, or one lifetime, it's NONE OF HIS FUCKING BUSINESS.
RELAX YOURSELF. 'Ask Linda if she agrees!' Who gives a fuck if Linda agrees or not? Who cares if she slept with five men in one night or 50 men in 10 years? What the fuck as it got to do with this little cunt? How many dumb self-hating fucking bitches have slept with this little pipsqueak? Who is he to tell other people how to live their life when he's getting his donkey schlong out to boost his record sales! WHAT A FUCKING HYPOCRITE!
'I respect women.' Here's how Dappy respects women. He spits on them in BP garages. He calls them slags. He cheats on the mother of his child. With this sort of respect, he's starting to make Lee Ryan look like Hugh Grant in Notting Hill.
LOL Dappy has struggled in life. On the mean streets of fucking Hertfordshire. How does HE know Luisa has never struggled in life? What the fuck do any of us know about anyone else's life?! He's making judgements left right and centre.
Dappy is being an aggressive little cunt. He should have been called to the DR and told to chill the fuck out.
Dappy: 'I bet Sam don't agree with that.' Yeah, let's hear Sam's opinion on the matter. Oh, sorry, she's too busy SITTING ON THE FENCE RIGHT NOW. Why isn't Jim telling Dappy to chill his fucking boots? Why is NO ONE SPEAKING!
Linda; 'Are you alright, Luisa?' after Dappy's gone. Brave. Evander backing up Dappy's horseshit. Thank God he's gone. Thanks FUCK.
Dappy IS a little kid. He's 26! He acts like some kid on the back of the bus throwing chips at you.
LOL to 'you just can't buy class'. He had a go at her for being a snob, so she might as well act like one.
What is this bullshit about Dappy listening outside the DR door? That shouldn't be allowed WHATSOEVER. Put him in his fucking nappy again and leave him there until he shits his pants this time. He acts like he's a newborn, so treat him like one.
What is this shit about 'are you going to tell your daughter how many people you've slept with.' Who TELLS their daughter that?! What planet is he on. You don't HAVE THAT CONVERSATION WITH YOUR PARENTS. (Well, I have, but my mum was drunk at the time).
Oh my God, is he STILL GOING ON? Big Brother, call him to the Diary Room, this is fucking harrassment. Why would Dappy's mother have ANYTHING to be ashamed about! She's brought up such a lovely boy, probably in between fucking guys left right and centre and NOT telling Dappy about it, like normal parents do.
Ah, now the GCSE grades come out. Here come the big guns, gangsters. That's when you know we mean business. Whilst living in the ghetto, Dappy was also school swot and master prefect. No mention of A levels though, I notice, and I don't think they give out degrees in cuntery. I'm still agog he got one grade higher than me for English, he can't even speak it. Still, this is mature. 'An A and B in stuck up' was quite funny, though.
The level of rage I'm feeling towards the TV is not healthy. I don't know how Luisa contained herself not to knock his fucking teeth out. She would have been a HERO. I swear he was goading her to try and get that sort of reaction. BB should have stepped in.
Did you know Dappy had an A plus in English? HAS HE MENTIONED IT? Hold on, it's gone from an A plus in maths to a B in maths. I want to see the actual certificates. I'm not buying any of this. I only got an A and I'm a writer and wasn't gangbanging and drug dealing at the time, so how did he get an A plus when he was keeping it street? This RE-SOOM-AY DON'T ADD UP, as Alan Sugar would say.
Ha to Lee going 'ooh, quick' when the row started again.
Your agent told you to keep your fucking mouth shut' was the biggest ownage of the night. Just brilliant. Luisa is a brave woman to even talk about having sex on TV, and she certainly doesn't need anyone sticking up for her in this row. She's tough.
Why is Dappy wearing a jacket from Millets? It looks like the sort of jacket your dad would wear for a country walk. SWAG.
'I'm not a prick, though.' I do not understand why he has not been given a warning for this. I thought they weren't allowed to say things that could cause offense to people watching. Well I know I'm only an inferior WOMAN but I am fucking OFFENDED so give him is warning, please. In fact give him his suitcase and dump him on the hard shoulder somewhere so I don't ever have to look at the little maggot again.
Dappy: moral arbiter. I reckon he would go to a sex party. He's an ANIMAL.I think it's terrible that no one stuck up for Luisa. Jim is being a dick, Luisa was just DEFENDING HERSELF. Jasmine is the only person on her side.
Ha to Linda and Jim having a laugh for once. They must be desperate.
LOL, Dappy is bringing out the three number one singles now. Morrissey would be fuming, he's never had a number one.
Now we've covered the GCSEs and the records, Dappy's having to resort to the fact he's never had an STD, but he had a urine infection. Just amazing. He's either an evil genius, or least self-aware man on the planet. I've changed my mind, keep in him. It's just non stop entertainment, it really is. Just let it keep digging and digging and digging.
Why is Linda DEFENDING Dappy!? Disgusting. Who cares about Dappy's mum? She brought up that fucking thing. She deserves no respect.
I'm glad Lee and Casey saw all that bullshit today before they voted, because it helped that Luisa was getting browbeaten and slut-shamed all day long.
I still think it's bad manners how Evander when out, even though he was a plank and an ignoramus. He's still a guest in our country and deserved a proper goodbye and a sorry from Lee and Casey who were acting like selfish dickheads. Good to see Dappy lose his wingman, though.
Why is idiot Lee hugging Dappy after the way he's been behaving today. Dappy is Lee's only way to redeem himself. The only person who can make Lee look decent. Dappy must be particularly annoyed that Evander went over that harlot Luisa.
Jasmine: 'she clearly thinks she's got him back.' I think Jasmine only wants Lee if someone else is interested in him. I think she's just that sort of person.
I hate it when they go back in and go on and on about all they've seen. What is that fucking waistcoat Lee is wearing? Jasmine looks good tonight. Lee is acting like a little idiot. Jasmine is loving the attention.
This BB feels like it's been on for years but it's cos I've had to stop so many times to spout off.It has taken me an hour and a half to watch it.
Jim is talking to Luisa about things she says being taken the wrong way. Hold on, whilst I get my pot and kettle out.
You ARE OAPS, Jim and Lionel. It's just a fact. Why is Lionel bagging on her now, she's already had a rough day. Oh, shut up, Jim. He's making it worse.
I don't think Luisa wants to go home, I think she feels victimised, demeaned, humilated and embarrassed, which is exactly what Dappy wanted.
Is this Big Brother sponsored by no brand vodka and lemonade? They seem to have crates of the stuff. Jim: 'Do you think I'm being myself in here, I'd be thrown out in a minute.' Well, at least he's honest and we know it's true. It's called self-awareness. That was a strange sort of comforting Jim did there.
Why is LIONEL stirring the pot now? He IS an OAP, deal with it. Stop trying to get airtime! Go to fucking bed, old man.
At last, Linda speaks sense! Telling Dappy to grow up. Ha, Linda, 'If I could I would.' That's the sort of thing my mum would say! Does anyone really believe Lionel's feeling are hurt? Today Luisa has been called a slag, a loose woman and a bad mother. You got called OLD which you ARE. We all get old and we all die and to make it to 82 with jazz hands still agogo is not doing too shabby, so get over it.
I think Dappy must have been on the phone to his agent in the Diary Room because he's now apologising to Luisa. LOL to Dappy and Luisa cuddling. She's a bigger woman than I am, I'd cut his fucking nuts off in the middle of the night, with Jim Davidson's egg slicer, if to hand. Let's see how long this truce lasts.
OH GOD PLEASE NO MORE LEE STUFF. 'I didn't look in her eyes the way I look in your eyes.' Is the reptile crying? What the fuck is she crying about? She's probably got something in her eye.
SO MUCH RAGE. Good to get that out of my system, though, right? Better out than in. I'm honestly going to take a valium now. And probably watch a cartoon or something. Relax yourself, indeed. Swag!

Celebrity Big Brother 2014: Another vat of wine, dear?

Vodka. Check. Red bull. Check! First eviction? Check!
Who goes? Casey and Lee decide! WHAT?! I didn't vote to save Liz for this shit. They won't save Liz. They'll save the wicked witch Jasmine. Do housemates normally get this much power?! I was gonna vote again but don't think I'm gonna now. I hope it's Evander and Luisa in the bottom two.
Why is Jim getting cheered AGAIN! Bitches in the crowd be crazy.
Casey: 'They're talking about you.' Lee: 'What are they saying?' 'You're a cunt.' OK, she didn't say that. But she should have! She should be winding him up to high heaven. LOL to her laughing at him for crying. She's a good sport, you know.
Jasmine, get your hands off my Ollie!
Poor Liz feels ostracised. 'I'm not the sort of person you'd go on holiday with.' Me either!
Lionel smearing Jim's good name saying he used to be a playa. Don't be a playa hater! I like Casey's peacock leggings.
Dappy is gawping at Luisa. Maybe he's going to stab her. Or spit on her? Jasmine, stop bagging on Liz! Sometimes writers are betting on paper than in person. Me, for example.
Does Dappy have his swag on in a nappy? I'm not sure Dappy has his swag on ever. Fair play to him for putting it on, though.
Lee loves love. I heard that can be catching. BUT FIRST.
What's this witches alliance Luisa and Jasmine have set up? Liz is right, they ARE bullies. Or at the very least, nasties.
I can't believe how much I like Casey now compared to when she went in. Why is Lee talking about 'the worst thing he's ever done'? Is he brain-damaged?
Sliming tasks are a bore. Ollie getting uppity about being called fake. Aww. I don't find Dappy fake. Dappy is 4 realz! You knows it. There's only one slime watch in that house, and that's whenever the camera's on Lee.
Who's safe? 'Get Jasmine out' - ha. Not the homewrecker card. Lee and Casey's home was definitely just a starter home.
'Your fate is sealed' is not as good as 'It's time to go' as they say on BBAU.
LOL Jim is safe. I'm glad, he actually DOES have more to give, unbelievably, even though he's hateful. Who's that chump in the audience who keeps chanting 'Love you Dappy'? Is he 'bent' - to use a Dappyism.
Jasmine safe too! How?!
'Get Luisa out' is a bit of a mouthful to chant. Too many syllables.
Lee, put your belly away. Casey warning Lee off Jasmine. No ulterior motive there. Not at all. Lee is not capable of just being friends with a girl without wanting to waggle his willy on them.
Liz daring to bring up the H word. Where's Dappy? Is Evander bragging that he PUNCHED A HORSE to LIZ JONES? Get a clue, mate! 'I was embarrassed by what the horse did.' Ha. Again, where's Dappy?
Ollie fancies Sam! Why? You might as well fancy a brick wall. I don't watch TOWIE but she's given us NOTHING so far.
Christ, Jim first advocating nuclear war, now armed police! What's up with him!? Oh Linda, STFU. 'Another vat of wine, dear?' They're like real parents who hate each other, ha.
Jim isn't really being aggressive, he's just quite blunt, but so is Linda. Their arguments are quite boring.
Oh, Lee, put that woman down, you freak. Talk about mixed signals! 
Jasmine: 'What did he finger you, who gives a fuck'. Ha, that's the attitude. 'I didn't put that thing in my mouth.' That thing! Hahahahaha!
OMG did he lick Jasmine out?! That's one way to keep his fucking gob shut. On the second night in the house, though! Mother of God.
YES! Liz is safe! That was my money well spent. Liz isn't boring. No more boring than Abz was, and he came second, admittedly to the biggest bunch of pricks on the planet.
Get Evander out! Get Evander out! Will they boot him, though? Will they DARE?
Did the video fuck up or what? Ollie looks scared! At least they're showing the housemates some of what Lee and Casey said, too.
Evander aint looking too happy. I think he knows. Lee was quick to decide. He decided before the 30 seconds even began. Lee is quite brave (ish) because he probably think Evander is actually popular. He isn't.
I would have thought Evander would be happy to go. He's not exactly fitting in, is he? I think he just doesn't like losing.
Lee and Casey, not exactly tactful coming back in whooping with delight. Dappy didn't look too pleased.
Did Lee and Casey even say sorry to Evander? Did Evander just try and leave via the DR door? I don't think anyone said goodbye to him.
I hope he enjoys coming out anyway. I just tweeted that and got the most retweets I think I've ever had.I could be the new Jimmy Carr.
I don't even like horses and I hate Evander, so good riddance. He thought he was the second out. Even if Lee and Casey has been evicted, he would be third.
Did Emma really just say Evander is loved?! This is a woman who roasted Hazel and Courtney for being WOMEN and patted Daley on the back. What a crock.
Evander: mic fail. Emma is tanking this interview. She's not even going to ask him about the homophobia, is she? Nope. Not at all. Honestly, the way she's torn some of the female housemates apart for KISSING and he gets off the hook completely? SHAMEFUL! That interview was a car crash. I don't think Evander knew the name of one of his housemates except Dappy.
Bring on the live feed...! Half an hour, you say? SO GENEROUS!