Celebrity Big Brother 2014: Do we have to form a queue to have a fucking argument?

So CBB has been extended for four days? I've never seen that happen before. They must be giving them more money, right? They extended Big Brother Australia by two weeks and it was a mistake, the last two weeks were quite hard going. A bit more CBB shouldn't hurt, tho, as long as it's not the bloody love triangle. I like the fact that so far they have only evicted Evander, and he was useless, so we've had pretty much the full spectrum of entertainment we could have had. Compared to Carol McGiffin, Mario, Les and Janice, this is a legacy season.
Only women nominees getting booed tonight, then, even though the man they're up against is a wifebeater, racist and homophobe. Par for the course, really.
Ollie is scavenging crusts out the toaster. It's not like this in Made in Chelsea. MIC meets Superscrimpers. OMG Lee and Jasmine in the bath first thing in the morning; horrid. Those ducks are getting their fair share of sexual abuse in there.
Luisa is right: men and women hate her because she knows herself. Sam doesn't find Jim funny. Did she used to find Joey Essex funny? I'm trying to decide who I'd rather be trapped in a lift with.
Ollie is doing an Aden. Shameful!
Why does Lee look happy he's not up for eviction when he voted for himself! Gorm.
I don't get why they failed that task. They guessed right? I wouldn't give two shits about no electrical items or no hot water.
Removing 'beauty products' is sexist in my opinion, because 'beauty products' means make-up and the majority of the time it's women who wear make-up. 
Sam looks rough without her make-up on, so no wonder she's carping. Why is Lionel getting on his high horse? Lionel needs his meds. 
Lionel DID say 'get the chocolates'. Ollie: 'If you feel that way...' It HAPPENED, OLLIE. Ollie doesn't want to seem like he's bitching. What a baby. That's a new level of fencesitting. A self-declared fence-sitter.
Ha to Lionel getting out of his pram! Don't point at me, you old cunt. 'Selfish bitches'. He's the selfish bitch. What's Lionel come as today with his silly hat and his fag holder?
Luisa: 'He just argues at me.' Ha. Luisa: 'Part of being a man... or any person.'Luisa is always saying things like 'man up.'
Jim: 'Do we have to form a queue to have a fucking argument?' No, just take a ticket from the machine.
Jim: 'She'd make Mother Theresa knock her out.' Charming. Lionel: 'She's dangerous.' Why, because you want to punch her? She really isn't. She's just a gobby, self assured, cocky woman. How awful! Get a grip, old man.
Did Lee tell Luisa to grown up? Luisa: 'A grown man.' She should stop throwing the pronouns around, if she's going to be a self-proclaimed strong woman. It's getting hard to defend her against everyone desperate to demonise her; and they are getting more desperate than Dappy.
What is that thing Emma is standing by that looks like a bit off a pirate ship or a hot air balloon? Ooh-aaaaaaaaaargh!
LOL Luisa is 'cooking for everyone except Lionel and Jim'. That's a power move. I like Luisa digging her heels in. It's petty and funny. Sam and Dappy worrying about what they're gonna eat. Jim guilt-tripping: 'I'll just have a bit of toast.' What, just the crumbs out the bottom, or a whole piece?
Lionel: 'Give me your lips.' Lionel sees women as either whores or horrors, and he can see that in the same woman. There's no middle-ground. It makes me laugh the way they always make friends after all the animosity in the day! I'm like that though, I can't hold grudges. I'd be like, 'aw, alright then.'
Liz: 'The water is black in London.' It isn't. Perhaps Liz is that girl who comes out of the TV in The Ring. The edit she's getting from BB is ridiculous. It's just so stupidly biased that they're not showing her that I'm glad she's getting support from the public.
Dappy telling Jasmine what's what. Ha. Jasmine's got her Cruella coat on. Dappy is constantly funny, even when enraged. Why is he talking in an American accent? He's like Jedward. Lee just made the international sound for oral. *tongue wiggle* Is Dappy drunk, he's gone very sincere all of a sudden. Lee: 'I hear dat.' Dappy: 'I'm not just drunk.' Dappy is definitely drunk. That conversation was the lols.
Lee and Jasmine need to knock the PDAs on the head - and people say Liz is boring.
Ooh, 'Get Luisa out.' Jim has a photo: communication with the outside world! Liz looks cute. I see they got their make up back, then.
Jim is loving getting the most votes. Luisa will be safe. As much as people don't like her, people will support her.
Dappy kissing Luisa is DIRTY, DISGUSTING AND LOOSE.
LOL to Ollie saying Sam is 'far more beautiful without make up.' What a smoothie. So not true!
Jim not understanding why Casey is upset, ha. Hilarious. Casey, please talk about something else. Boobs! Lee!
OMG Is Luisa REALLY letting Dappy lick her nipple?! WHYYYYYYYYY? She must be mental. She REALLY doesn't hold a grudge.
I like the way Luisa laughs when she gets booed, I would too.
Yes! Jasmine is out! I didn't think anyone would vote for her. Why would they? Liz powers on like the dynamo she is! Jasmine don't even get a umbrella.
Ha to people carping about Liz being saved on Twitter. Maybe people are sick of watching Lee and Jasmine dry/wet humping? Huh? Liz has more entertainment in her little finger than Jasmine. Liz thousand-yard staring into space is more entertaining than Lee and Dappy's whole musical back catalogue combined.  
Jasmine will be back in America before Lee even gets back. Ha, I'm glad they're showing Jasmine this Lee bullshit.
Casey has got a screwface in the background. Do you think Lee will walk? He said he never would but he's so soft on this hard-faced woman he probably would.
Jasmine seems a bit cool on Lee in her interview. Can't really blame her, though.
Ha, Jasmine wouldn't put it past Lee to go back to Casey. Jasmine is a tough cookie. She's 'doing a Tully' as someone did in BBAU - all over a guy in there and then denounced him because she had a girlfriend when she came out. Why is the idiot crowd shouting 'who are ya?'
I will miss Jasmine a bit, but not the 'romance'. I can't bear the groping. Ha, Jasmine wants Ollie or Sam to win. What about Luisa and Lee? She IS a reptile!
Everyone is up, but Jasmine gets to save two people! Nominations superpower, y'all! That was weird them seeing the evicted housemate.
Haha to Jasmine saving Casey and Linda because she wants everyone else out with her. Never mind saving Lee. LOL. What a crazy bitch. Oh no, I was hoping we might get rid of Linda soon! Jasmine saved the two most boring housemates. Epic fail. Liz FTW.

Celebrity Big Brother 2012: We're gonna struggle cos you can't add up, honey

So tonight's midweek eviction. Do I want to watch a complete nutcase on TV? Of course I do. Do I think it's fair that she doesn't really know she's a nutcase and she's going to come out to a complete boo-cophany? Not really. I think she needs to be handled with care. She could even be a suicide risk; and it's not the first time the BB experience has driven someone to despair *insert 'me every night' joke here*.
I'm not voting tonight. I cannot vote to save Jasmine, entertaining as she is. I just can't have that blood on my hands.
Careful what you say to Samantha, Martin! He's right though, bands do split up about money a lot. Gold! Etc. We know about band members earning different sorts of amounts, don't we, Morrissey?
Is Julie giving Jasmine enough rope to hang herself? Jasmine: 'the only people who matter are the ones that matter.' How many of them are there?
I don't think Julie sees you as a threat, Coleen. I think she just finds you boring and nosy.

Jasmine is right, we have seen all there is to see of Rhian. 'I've got more trouble to cause.' Interesting tact! Rhian is pretty, but there's nothing to her.
My boyfriend reckons Jasmine's going to stay. NO CHANCE. He said is Rhian would have stood up to her, she would stay. Doesn't matter what Jasmine does, she cannot stay. You can't act like that and be saved.
I feel like we're missing half the story with Ashley and Rhian; but I also don't give a fuck about that storyline, so never mind.
Samantha: 'Rhian is experienced.' What does that mean exactly? Ashley has nothing to worry about watching it back. They've not shown him.
So lovely of Jasmine to dismiss other women as tits and arse. Nice to talk about other women like that.
Jasmine, don't take on Jodie Marsh! Now that's a battle I'd like to witness.
Danica IS a player; there's no doubt about it. If people thought Lauren was bad doing the splits in front of Adam, they must be agog at the sight of Prince Lorenzo licking glitter off her finger.
LOL to Jasmine's own mum calling her own daughter a piranha. Hilarious. Rhian's friend seems very eloquent... dur. Brian bounced off her quite well, though.
This home truth task is just mean; it's going to kick off. OMG Julian summed Coleen up as 'overweight'. OUCH, I like it when Julie calls people 'lady.'
Julian's career... 'mediocre... over.' LOL.
How come only these four are doing this task? This is making me tense! That's going to cause some ripples. I don't think Julie could give a fuck what people said about her.
I am overweight, but I wouldn't like being called it on TV. I'd rather be called a bitch, or a cow, or annoying, even though all four are true.
I'm still not sure about Julian. I want to get under the surface, but he won't let us.
Aw Cheryl hid her appearance from her boyfriend for four months. The internet is great for non conventional/ social awkward people hooking up, and I include myself in that. My boyfriend and I didn't know what each other looked like for about four months before we saw pics of each other. Luckily, we're both uber-babes.
Julian: 'Cheryl is long-winded.' I like it when him and Julie have a bitch, at least it's funny.
If you're watching on Channel 5+1 or on Demand GO FUCK YOURSELF, I'm sick of hearing about it.
So what's the point in the task if they've just replaced it with a trolley dash? All that effort was basically for nothing. Nothing can beat Jedward's trolley dash.
I reckon Lidl banned BB for life after Jedward's the trolley dash. Do you think Jasmine has ever been in Morrisons before? Get the meat, get the meat! Get a CD or something. Yorkshires! That wouldn't be top of my list. It would be quite hard to spend 700 quid in one trolley full in Morrisons. Unless they got a crate of champagne. Oh shit, they've got two trolleys. Oh, they passed.
Do you think the checkout girl was an actress or a real employee? She could be in CBB this time next year.
Oh, shut up, Coleen! She needs someone to torment like Michael Masden.
No one cares when you're down in the gutter, got no friends, got no butter. STFU, Julie, I'd like to have see you do better. I couldn't give a shit about having no teabags, but I wouldn't eat a dry crumpet either.
Twosome! You normally only hear that word on Cheaters.
Jasmine's out. SHOCKER. Lighting a fag in the BB house, sweet. REBEL. They'll get fined for that. Harvey: 'you can't smoke in here.' Jasmine: 'do you think I give a fuck right now?' Mario 'dipping his biscuit in this hot salty tea' wouldn't approve; health and safety, Jasmine. Jasmine is a health and safety risk all of her own.
Yeah, coming out smoking is the coolest thing since Benedict stealing the chair. Hardcore! Flick your fag into the crowd, we won't miss 'em.
'Mummy, I want to smoke so I can look like Jasmine!' Dem bones is hot. It's like a Nightmare Before Christmas.
Happy to be out the house, my arse.
What is the fucking story with her son? Apart from having her as a mum? 
Jasmine is coming across as disappointingly sane in her interview. She actually looked embarrassed when she saw herself telling Lorenzo to fuck off.
'You're making me uncomfortable.' 'I'm trying very hard to.' Just brilliant.
Jasmine: 'they're just skanky girls.' She looks so skanky it's unreal. It's all just so transparent and projection. I feel sorry for her, I really do.
Jasmine's got razors for cheekbones. And probably for fingernails, too. I still don't really know about Julie. I think she's hedging her bets.
Shame to see Jasmine go. Definitely the most interesting person in the house, the most honest, and the cruelest. I'll be interested to see the percentages. 
Ah fuck, I wasn't going to blog the live feed, but it's live noms! Gah. OK, I'll do it super quick.
Are all noms going to be live from now on then? I'm not sure I like that, I like some noms on the sly.
Is Julian putting the chicken on straight after the eviction? I think someone nominated Deana for that heinous crime.
I hope it's two nominations and not one, but the speed this live feed is going, it's highly doubtful.
Ah, they are doing nominations in private. What's Julian's prob with Sitch? 'He seems a bit dense and his body looks like a bag of spanners.' LOL.
'I've an awful feeling the Prince has got something contagious - dullness.' Mega. Superfunny noms. So 'the Occasional Table' is the official name for Sitch now? Even BB's given up. They should start flashing that up on the screen when he speaks.
Hurry up Julie, we aint got all night! They should be passing each other in that DR corridor like on BBUS.
Interesting Julie nominated the Prince, too. Collusion with Julian? He doesn't 'fit in' - is that a good enough reason? Sounds a bit 'princeist' to me. Her reasons for nominating him were crap. Just get it over with. Got it, get it, good. Now f-off. NEXT! How the fuck are we going to fit in all the nominations when Julie's been nominating one person for ten minutes? This is ridiculous. Are they going to force her to nominate someone else instead?
God, I'm getting really fucked off with this. This Big Brother woman needs shooting. It's LIVE TV. Get Brian Dowling in. I'll give you a clue for your next one, Julie, she's a loose woman. Chubby cheeks. Annoying. Next! Enough already.
Martin, please get on with it, FFS. I'm running out of patience. I'm glad Martin nominated Coleen. I'd like to see her go. Martin defending Samantha Brick! Julian's Daily Mail rant clearly hasn't reached his ears. Jesus, this Big Brother bitch is making him expand on his nominations, too. Are they scrapping BOTS? Always a silver lining, I suppose. What's Martin's beef with Rhian? She seems utterly inoffensive. She just thinks you're Reggie Kray, that's why. She's probably saw the Saskia incident, too. You got form, Kemp.
Heather's wardrobe needs a sort out. I suggest a burning. She's nomming 'the occasional table.' Boo. OMG WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WHAT DO YOU MEAN? STFU. Sack this Big Brother, immediately. Evict her! Hev/ Cheryl's second nomination was Samantha. She's friends with Coleen isn't she, in the Harridan harem. There's no way we're going to get through all these nominations. It should have been two minute nominations, in and out. Jesus, whoever is in charge in this show is thick as fuckery. Is it that little toffee-nosed girl who does the tasks? Why is Cheryl getting bird tweets over her noms?
Why is there so much flim flam in between, people sitting around chatting and making food? Why can't they make this show fucking PROPERLY. I've been doing a podcast for a week and it's better run than this fucking bullshit.
 Hold up, Julian's chicken isn't cooked properly, so he's thrown it away? Just put it back in for a bit longer, FFS. They've just had a break: the next person is not even in the DR ready to nominate. I nominate Julian for cooking a chicken improperly. JESUS H CHRIST.
And then the show just ENDS. It just ENDS. And now I have to blog the start of BOTS to find out who's up, I'm being FORCED to watch BOTS when I want to do my podcast and scream instead. How am I going to fit all this nonsense into 30 minutes? I bet you I can do it better than CBB can fit a few nominations into an hour.
I bet Emma's sweating now because her show' is fucked and she can only work from an autocue.
Nina Miskov on the PANEL AGAIN. Where is Victor? I was listening to couch potatoes and Victor is banned from BOTS for 'legal reasons'; anyone know what went on? I don't really give a shit what he did, these panels are whack. Luke Marsden, OK. But 90% of the guests are just so boring. The BB radio shows Couch Potatoes and the Big Brother Gossip show are a zillion times more entertaining and honest than this whitewashed bullshit. It's actually sickening.
I don't even want to watch this BOTS, I want to do my podcast! And they're not even mentioning the shambolic nomination fuck up. Oh Jesus, the other person on the panel is that frog from Atomic Kitten.
Who cares about Jasmine right now, what THE FUCK IS HAPPENING WITH THE NOMINATIONS?
Douchery!
OMG. Are they seriously showing us the same nominations again? We've not got brain damage. Why do they treat us like this? Why do we allow it?! My boyfriend just said 'we could have watched The Lord of the Rings' in this amount of time. I don't know which I'd like least. Emma's come as a fruit salad.
Interesting that Coleen and Julie both nominated each other second. We're not that stupid.
I think this blog is going to end up longer than my dissertation, which was about Eastenders, incidentally. Yeah, Eastenders! And now I'm a magazine editor. Take that, system. *looks at pay-packet and cries*
My boyfriend is laughing because Emma said she was going to give it Jasmine and she's not giving her a thing. Can you give me the nomination results so I can fuck off and do my podcast? My spirit is broken. I want to watch Beavis and Butthead. I need some light relief.
Sorry I just zoned out for like 20 minutes and made a crisp sandwich. I have to give props to Nina M having buggered off and Jasmine going 'I didn't even know she was still alive.' Quality one liner. Her comment about violence was good, too. Ooh and the 'sucking titties' comment at the end, too. Jasmine says she lies sucking titties herself! And STILL we don't know who's up. What an absolute farce. 
So my 'co-host' and I are going to do a podcast now so check it out - it will either be the best or worst thing ever. We've had over 150 plays so far, it's pretty amazing, and we've got a BBUS podcast too, if you're watching that, which no one is, except my friend JOTV.
So if you have a mad urge to hear my voice, it should be up in the next hour: http://www.spreaker.com/user/lightupvm
Thanks a lot if you do have a listen. Perhaps wait until tomorrow, because this shit has gone on longer than Enter the Void. Preesh!