'We hate it when our friends become successful, and if they're Northern, it makes it even worse...' And thus, they stuffed the BB house full of Northerners, foreigners (daily mail alert!) and a couple of people with impediments for good measure. And then the crowd with racists and homophobes. Perfect!
So first things first. The house looked really good, I liked the luxury bedroom and the diary room chair. Davina was the same. And the twist (splitting up the couple and making Mario pretend he was dating Stephanie) was actually good, which was a start. So onto my rash snap judgements all of which are true for today and expire in about 24 hours.
Excuse the capitals, but there doesn't appear to be an option for bold on this wanky old Mac.
MARIO & LISA... Sleazy Sylvester Stallone with big ears. Boobs. Looked like a pair of doggers. I didn't really see the point of them until the twist came in. I thought for one scary moment they were going to put ALL couples in... that would have sucked.
LUKE... Bat ears. Booed back at the crowd which was a good sign. Extra brownie points for saying 'Am I the child?' when the twist was announced. My favourite.
STEPHANIE... generic wannabe WAG type, but I thought she didn't seem toooo bad. Felt a bit sorry for her when she got teamed up with the slimy Mario. And Lisa will obviously hate her, but it's not Stephanie's fault BB is a bitch. My guess at the twist was that they were going to make Luke and Stephanie pretend to be a couple, which I think may have made better TV to be honest.
RACHEL... admitting you're annoying does not mitigate you. She got on my nerves almost instantly. However, later on she was looking out for Michael so I warmed to her a little.
DALE... 'If there's any fanny in there, I'm going to nail it.' Clearly the feminist quote of the night. Redeemed himself slightly by saying 'I'm a PE teacher but I can't stand kids.' Amusing. Annoyingly good-looking, but clearly a twat with little legs and the only person to preen in front of the mirror as he went in. It was so obvious he was sent in there to be Ken to Steph's Barbie.
SYLVIA... Rude girl! Nice dress. Interesting face. Hard to judge but I'm suspecting she's going to fall into the bitchy harpie category.
DENNIS... and here we have your gay cliche for the night! Looked like a Who from Whoville. Pranced into the house to the sound of homophobic booing. Least likely to get along with Dale, I'd hazard a guess.
MICHAEL... welcome to your Pete Bennett style everyman with a heartbreaking affliction. Will he win because he's blind? Not unless he's cool. Mentioned Super Mario Kart, so he's already won my heart.
ALEXANDRA... another black girl with attitude, BB is obviously keen to dig up Charley's bones. But there's only one Charley. And you'll never find a bigger cunt than that. Alexandra got badly booed (racists!) but didn't help by generally pouting like a twat. Most likely to befriend Sylvia and slag off anyone remotely ugly.
REX... Good opener with 'Most people don't like me'. Gay dad! Ginge. Bizarre hair, it was like a little hat or something. It was obvious that he and Dale were going to chum up and wank off about expensive jeans or something. Zzz. Might be an interesting character if they don't go down the 'jungle cats' route, or even worse, the Anthony Hutton route.
MOHAMED... Afro... white trousers... I literally cannot think of anything else to write about him. he left no impression whatsoever.
REBECCA... I said Vicky Pollard before they did, but she was also a bit Beth Ditto-ey. I actually thought she looked quite good in that dress and her entrance was funny, but she had Shabnam written all over her with the screaming. If she doesn't befriend Dennis, I'll eat his stupid little hat.
DARNELL... american albino. He looked paler than me! I like albinos, they are interesting to look at. The jury is out on him, I haven't made up my mind.
JENNIFER... pretty. Obnoxious views. Very thin- how did she ever give birth?
KATHREYA... cookie monster. What an outfit... Pink wedgie and ginger spice's old shoes. I thought it looked like she had a willy when she was going downstairs, so you heard it here first if she turns out to be a geezer. Bet she teams up with Rebecca and Dennis in the 'assorted freaks' section.
And that is pretty much it. I didn't feel let down like I did last year on opening night, and there's quite a good mix of characters. Could have done with a cute guy who wasn't a complete bell-end, but hey... that's life. I think having someone blind in there will be a good barometer to sort the good from the evil and the kind from the exploitative. Surely it will be hard for him to get used to all the different voices, and imagine having to rely on that lot to take you to the toilet.