Big Brother UK 2017: I'm at the Holiday Inn, meet me outside

Loud motherfuckers unite

I thought I'd do one last blog before the final for those who care (and I know there are two or three of you still out there!)
Can you believe we're here now! I can't believe that there are FOUR people I like in the final week. Chanelle going was a shocker. Ellie going was a joy. So here we are.
I think Raph is getting a bit desperate to win this week, Isabelle is unphased, Kieran and Hannah are ready to leave, Deborah is still having fun and Tom... well, Tom improved in the attic. But that's like saying Tom's spelling has improved since he left school. Not a high bench mark.
Ooh tonight looks like fun! A wedding. And Chanelle! And Sukhvinder. Don't come for me, bitches.
Kieran and Deborah are getting married (for a task). But first they have to go on a first date. They are being waited on my some ginger dude in an ugly suit.
I think Deborah does the Nigerian accent when she gets nervous sometimes!
Hannah: 'Did Kieran bring you strawberries?' to Isabelle. 'No, he gave me an STI.' I'm glad that's been mentioned again!
Deborah has got more charm and personality in her elbows than Kieran could ever dream of. He is so INFERIOR to her. Angry little man. Hitting people with pillows, whining about his mattress, moaning about noise. Grumpy, vain little twat. Not even good looking. STD riddled! And he likes being peed on! Just no.
Hannah doesn't want Deborah to 'marry' Kieran. I don't blame her!
All this airtime for Kieran is making me twitch. I bet it's making Raph twitch too, ha.
Hannah looks very pretty as the bridesmaid. Kieran looks an absolute twat in that hat.
Ooh, Sukhvinder has come in for the wedding. Where's Imran! She looks great, too.
OMG! Calling Kieran a 'backseat finalist' and Tom a letdown as the people's housemate. 'You should have just owned it' to Andrew is correct about taking the cash. He should!
Rebecca calling Kieran 'her winner' then going 'you're losing this. People keep coming up to me because of how disloyal you are.' No, they don't. Unless it's your mum and your other clients/ rent boys.
Rebecca: 'Everyone thinks I'm in love with you.' I wonder why! 'It's so hard watching you.'
Keiran doesn't want to stand up for right and wrong. 'What happens if I'm wrong?' His game in a nutshell. Rebecca saying she banged Kieran two hours before they came in the house. Isabelle's face! I LOVE ISABELLE. But Rebecca's not in love with him, lol.
Rebecca calling Hannah selfish and immature. What a dog! Disgusting. Rebecca has been FUCKING LOTAN. How dare she say the public hates Hannah! Hannah: 'My mum loves me.' Rebecca is a gremlin! Straight up racist! 'You're completely out of the running.' Shut up! Jealous! 32 years old! LOL! Get out!
Kieran: 'You've got to take a bollocking on the chin.' You can if you like. I wouldn't.
Hannah is right, Rebecca does discriminate. 'What kind of stupid human being does she think she is?'
Kieran and Tom shitting their pants on the couch about Rebecca. Kieran thought that was 'tame.' It was not. He should have stuck up for his BB Fam.
Isabelle: 'I've got Rebecca's shoes on.' *hides feet* Remember the way Rebecca used to talk about Isabelle, too? Hannah: 'Look what the cat dragged in' about Rebecca, ha.
I can't believe Kieran has a topknot to the wedding. Eek! Tom's best man's speech was balls.
Chanelle has come in singing Florence and the Machine. Aw. How romantic...? Raph is crying.
I loved Chanelle telling Isabelle not to put herself down. 'Young girl's look up to you. You are a backbone to people in this house.' Aw. Hannah: 'That's how you do it.'
Haaaa Chanelle calling Andrew 'sly and snakey. You look like an oompa lumpa. I don't know what you've come dressed as today.' Lol.
Haha, Kieran and Deborah now have to break up and the others have to pick sides.
Deborah, Hannah, Raph and Andrew have won a party with really bad fucking music.
Ooh, Chanelle has come back in! Ooh, Imran! Sue! Rebecca (ugh). Raph and Imran hugging was the cutest.
Imran: 'The other clique didn't win. They lost their members.' Yes!
Andrew is looking for reassurance from Rebecca and Sue that he's not a snake. Rebecca saying Chanelle has an agenda! I have literally heard it all. Oh Sue, I have not missed you one bit.
Chanelle to Rebecca: 'Don't start with me bitch, biggest slag around!' to Rebecca. 'Fucking whore.' OMG.I actually love unfiltered Chanelle. And the look on Raph's face.
'Love, peace and harmony' kills any argument! Chanelle on Rebecca: 'Just because her ten minutes is nearly up, she's trying to get airtime.'
Rebecca saying about Chanelle having sex on TV. Andrew's 'Guess what, three fucking days, and hell's coming' had me laughing for all the wrong reasons.
Who's being called a hippo now? Ellie's already left! Oh it was 'hypocrites'.
Chanelle calling Rebecca 'fame hungry' and 'we'll talk outside.'
Rebecca: 'You want to call me a whore on camera.' 
Chanelle fronting her out: 'Yes, you are a whore. You shagged Lotan for a magazine interview. You should know better at your age than to act the way you do, baggy fanny, fuck off, mate. You're embarrassing.' How are we spelling embarrassing, Tom?
Chanelle did not FLINCH! Hannah dragging her away, haha.
Rebecca: 'That's the real Chanelle. You're such a fool, Raph.' Leave Raph alone!
Rebecca is a straight up, lairy strumpet.
Chanelle: 'Come to my hotel tonight, bitch, I'm at the Holiday Inn, meet me outside, see if you're gobby then, silly slag. I can't see no hoes with my hate blockers on.' That's sunglasses to you and me. Class and a half. My heart soared, ha. You can threaten people once you've been in the house and been evicted! 'Move you silly cow, your expiry date is GONE!'
I like the fact Rebecca has gone yet Chanelle is still there. Haha, Sukvinder is now starting on Andrew. Isabelle just sits there, ha. How come she does it so much better than Kieran?
Chanelle is right about Andrew not fighting his own battles. Minions! But I don't really see how he's a snake. The snake noise doesn't even come on when he's on screen.
Raph doesn't want to end their time in a negative way.
Andre calling Chanelle a 'loud motherfucker.' Welllllll.
Andrew to Hannah: 'You and Raph can fuck off out my life.' Hannah pretending to cry. LOVE IT!
Andrew: 'Be prepared for fucking vocal truths.' Andrew is making me cry with laughter. What an absolute knob.
Andrew coming for Isabelle now! Saying she wouldn't sit next to him after he was called a snake! Don't come for Isabelle, you little wally.
Kieran: 'Don't be too over dramatic in the last few days' to Andrew. Well there is a happy medium between being Kieran (wallpaper) and being Andrew (town jester).
Andrew stop making things all about you!
God, I loved that episode. But the fact they had to drag in old housemates to liven things up speaks volumes.
I thought there was going to be a double eviction tonight! What happened?
So who to win? I wouldn't mind out or Raph, Hannah, Deborah or Isabelle. I don't think I've EVER had FOUR people I like in the final, which is weird as I hated EVERYONE except Raph and Arthur at first. The sisters didn't kick into gear until all the misogynistic men left. In my heart, I would love to see Isabelle take it. But I would also be so happy for Raph OR Deborah. So you know what this means. Your new winner is... Tom or Kieran. The vote is too split the other way! Argh.
Thank you so much if you've left me a comment on the blog, sorry if I haven't replied, I read
everything, I'm just super busy with work and the podcasts and it's a faff to sign into Blogger and then I forget. But I appreciate you, thank you for reading and sticking by me when I'm so sporadic.
For those not watching the excellent US Big Brother (BB19), I recommend it. Otherwise, I'll be in the CBB streets in a day or three. See you there.

Big Brother UK 2017: 'Thick as fuck and desperate for fame'

Why, hello again! Back so soon? Oh God, it's the aftermath of Chanelle's £400 shag. Chanelle is still missing Raph, and Raph got drunk without her. They're in LOVE! Not like that. But they love each other and it's sweet. Who cares if he's a consultant! 
Jake: 'Your gran's gonna watch this.' Chanelle: 'It's my boyfriend so make it look romantic and cuddly.' It wasn't bad. It was just the moaning I could have lived without.
Jake is saying Charlotte is poisoning Andrew against Chanelle, which is true. Chanelle got the whole night to talk to her boyfriend and Charlotte only got five minutes with her mum, so who wins?!
Hannah on Sam: 'I just feel like he doesn't really stand for much.' I'll say. He stands for jack shit. Hannah: All they want to do is become reality stars.' To be fair, you are on Big Brother. Still, I guess no one watches it these days so you won't become a star.
Finally there's a hairdresser in the house, an increasingly orange Andrew, rather than Helen Wood doing her usual moody undercuts. The haircut he did for Ellie looks OK.
Chanelle has some bed hair going on. 'I feel like a proper dirty stop out.' She did get chicken, and a shag and breakfast in bed. Sounds great. Who could ask for more? A whole night of outside contact, too!
Chanelle prefers Raph to her boyfriend as he doesn't snore but she wants to get her end away at the weekend with Jake. I believe Raph and Chanelle's friendship will endure in the outside world.
Chanelle dishing the dirt to Isabelle and Raph about Charlotte trying to 'attack her character'. 
One of the boys has to agree to have a 'back, sack and crack' done. I already know who has it, as I saw it on BOTS, it's Andrew and it looked fucking HILARIOUS. I once tried to wax my own legs and the only thing I've waxed since are my eyebrows. It was excruciating. I cannot imagine the pain of getting your ARSEHOLE waxed. In fact; I thought that was just a made up thing, to be honest. But now I've seen it with my own eyes. Cannot unsee!
I half wish Tom had pressed the button first. I think I'd want my butt doing before my legs because legs are a large surface area! Men shouldn't have shaved legs. Well, not ones who want to sleep with me anyway (form an orderly queue, hairy guys).
Charlotte 'gets her fanny done every month.' I'm just imagining the grow back time in between now. One word: Nair.
Beautician: 'We'll get you up on all fours to do your bum crack.' The housemates are watching! Raph is actually walking away, haaa. What is his problem! I don't think he's in touch with the grooming side of the gay thing. You must suffer like women do, Raph, haven't you heard?
Tom: 'He looks like a roast chicken going in the oven.' That's the funniest thing he's ever said.
Kieran's face watching it all unfold was amazing, like a me watching childbirth. The noises Andrew was making were sublime. You gotta hand it to him; he went the extra mile there. I can't imagine people doing that in a private room, let alone on TV.
Raph is getting to meet a 'Big Brother legend.' Shame it's Josie. Helen Wood would be better, haha. Second Helen Wood mention of the blog. I'll try and get another one in before the end. 
Raph singing about combine harvesters to Josie, I love it. He's the cutest. He's such a fangirl.
Josie's advice is awful. 'These people aren't your friends.' THEY ARE! And telling him to do pranks. Fucking pranks! Let Raph be Raph, Awful advice. Should have got crab eyes in.
Chanelle saying 'I just went in the room for chicken.' Haha. 
Raph is reporting back what Josie said about Charlotte and Andrew and aligning the outside contact advice with Raph's. Chanelle: 'I don't feel so bad about how red Andrew's balls are now.' Ha.
Chanelle discussing having 'old married couple sex that didn't last long' on TV. Hardly seems worth it.
'Deborah and Kieran are talking about cats.' Finally. That's like when I find a fellow cat lover once I start a new job. That magical moment when you're in the company of people like you. Raph is teasing them about moving in together. I think if they were gonna get it on, they would have done it by now.
Chanelle's vagina is throbbing and she's not had a shower. Sounds like a recipe for thrush to me.
Sam and Ellie have been offered the chance to have sex in the boudoir. Well, it worked out well for Daley and Hazel didn't it. Actually I wouldn't mind seeing Ellie get throttled.
Chanelle: 'Make sure they've changed the sheets.' Ha. Why is BB so obsessed with seeing Sam and Ellie get it on? It's not sexy, it's not interesting, it's disgusting. It's not Love Island. Not one person on my timeline wants to see it and I think I'm pretty much following everyone left watching Big Brother at this point.
The housemates are banishing Raph and Keiran from each team. Not sure what that means. Oh, they can't take part anymore or win any money. I'm worried Charlotte will evict Chanelle as part of this task if she gets the chance. That could really happen! Imagine. Wallpaper evicting the star of the show. And don't get me wrong, Chanelle does get on my nerves at times. But she's genuinely funny and entertaining. Charlotte is neither.
Hannah is doing pranks now. Enough with the pranks, everyone! We're not 12 year old boys at boarding school.
Ellie to Sam: 'You are the six foot three funny guy I've never met before.' Six foot two showmance shit! They are pretending they're having their first date. Bit of a weird first date when you're explaining away your jealously and psychosis.
Ellie looks like she doesn't want to sleep with Sam. Big Brother is basically forcing her to.
Charlotte on Sam: 'When he first came in I thought he was thick as fuck and desperate for fame.' So, what's changed? Charlotte: 'Neither of them are too bright.' Nice thing to say about your BFF in the house! Charlotte: 'This task isn't going to end well.' True.
Sam is having an existential crisis in the boudoir because he likes Ellie. What's the problem?
Ooh they're either not having sex, or they didn't show it. Ellie's nana can come out from behind the sofa now.
PS: Big Brother is 17 today. Happy birthday. I still love you, baby. We don't all age well.
PPS: BBUK podcast and BBUS podcast, if you fancy 'em.

Big Brother UK 2017: Vivid magazine dealing

I have picked up the old blogging boots again! Two weeks to go! It's gone slow/fast, hasn't it. How are they going to get rid of everyone? They always manage it, don't they?
VIVID VOMITING, guys. If that doesn't keep you tuned in, what will? It's normally us viewers vividly vomiting about Ellie and Sam's kissing.
Ooh, they are testing them about the money! This should be interesting. The Steal. Like share or SHAFT.
It's mad that Deborah sleeps with Charlotte in Rose Cottage. Shocks me! What about the Exiles? Still, I guess she does have one eye on the other alliance in there.
God, they love a button pushing task on Big Brothers' worldwide, don't they? Job lot of buzzers every year from China, sorted!
The gold team vs the black team! I can't be bothered to write down who is on which. Do you really care? Me neither. In three days time one team will be able to steal all of the money they accumulate, up to 20K.
I love how humpy they are about having to swap bedrooms (each team has to sleep together). Kieran in particular has shown more of an opinion about bed swapping than anything in the house ever. Even Lotan throwing a drink in a woman's face. He is taking his mattress into Thorn Cottage with him. Keiran would rather leave than sleep on someone else's mattress. Leave, then, and take your STDs and bouffy hair with you.
Raph is like a rat up a drainpipe to get the money. Basically you have to press a button anytime an alarm goes off.
Kieran: 'I give you one guess what's wrong' to Big Brother. Big Brother: 'Big Brother doesn't play guessing games.' No, Kieran, you can't sleep in the garden or the lounge (not sure why, think BB is just grinding his gears now). Kieran is risking money from his team's 'prize pot'. Like a pension pot, but probably worth more. I love the way Big Brother is speaking to him. Kieran scuttles off and does as he's told, ha.
I can't watch this task with them eating manky old eggs and vomiting. NOT TODAY. Not any day. I actually feel sick. It's going on FOREVER.
Tom won. But I saw a glimse of vomit coming out of Hannah's nose, so I think she should have won for that, really. Even the vomit GIFs on Twitter are too much for me.
Tom is on the black team. Tom is comparing himself to David and Goliath. 'Don't underestimate the little one.' He must be small if he's calling himself little. Pocket sized prick.
The teams are on 'buzzer watch'. Why are Thicky and Thicky on the same team? So we can still watch them slobber all over each other?
More button pressing! Raph vs Andrew, who blinks first! Andrew, no doubt. Raph did a Luke S with the button and left it too late, but so did Andrew, cos he's a copycat. Don't be too greedy!Mind you, it worked for Jason Burill. And Derrick Lavasseur.
It's interesting watching the housemates eating while button pushing. We don't get to see them eat that often. I'm surprised they can eat after all that egg vom.
Isabelle has been called to the DR and her sister is on the line. Answer the phone, Isabelle! £150 is nothing.
The phone is bronze. Isabelle is bronze. I love Isabelle's scream on the phone. Paris Hilton follows Isabelle on Twitter. Getting to the real gossip there. Paris Hilton is so irrelevant these days she could virtually be on CBB. If she wasn't so loaded. Aw, Isabelle misses her mum's spaghetti bolognese. Cute.
Hannah is missing her mum. Hope Andrew doesn't catch her crying! He'll be furious. Deborah: 'We've taught the world, love your family over everything.' Um, no you haven't. That's a big ask!
'Big Brother has a surprise for you.' Chanelle: 'What is it, chicken and chips?' £400 to spend the night with her boyfriend! Sounds cheap. Can they have chicken and chips with that? Chanelle: 'Oh my God, I've not shaved!' Ha. Is she planning to fuck him! It's basically a conjugal visit. I like the fact they're all shy with each other. I used to be like that sometimes if I hadn't see someone I liked for a while. Sometimes you need ten minutes to get used to them again.
Charlotte to Chanelle: 'Ride that dick!' She learnt that from Mandy.
Jake (Chanelle's boyfriend) is telling Chanelle he doesn't trust Charlotte or Andrew. Might as well just bring in her phone or the paper. He seems a bit boring for her, but who am I to judge true love when I'm just a mean old cat lady?
Isabelle and Sam are talking about life in the outside world and going out in Manchester. Ellie is listening in. Isabelle: 'It's better to go in pairs.' Haaaa.
Chanelle: 'I wish Raph was here' to her boyfriend. 'Have you followed any girls? Have you been on any nights out?' Him: 'No.' Is he locked up or something?! Is he not allowed out?
Ellie is in the DR moaning. 'Other girls make me feel like shit.' You make my favourite programme dogshit. You're absolutely insane.
Raph chugging wine! Hope he goes mental. Oh, he's missing Chanelle. Aw. She missed him too!
Can't they turn the lights down in Chanelle's love nest? I could not sleep without mood lighting. I could not snog under strip lights.
Lol, Raph is shit faced. Raph, don't drink and diary room. It's worse than drunk texting. Oh, he didn't even make it!
Sam likes Ellie. Ellie doesn't want to like Sam. I don't like either of them. All I see on Twit is people complaining about Ellie and Sam. And still they foist it on us.
Oh they've finally switched the lights off in the love shack. OMG Chanelle moaning and groaning! GRIM! It's not so much Love Island as Love Dregs. Not long now. Watch BB19! Listen to our BB19 pod! Then listen to our BBUK pod! Once you've done all that, Big Brother will be on again. Thanks for reading, you're the best.

Big Brother UK 2017: Save your energy

Early morning dancing montage! How original. I just watched BB19 again so I'm again pissy with BBUK for being so shit in comparison. Losing in front of your home crowd, indeed!
Deborah getting her message from her baby was cute (and the little girl was gorgeous) but I already saw it on BOTS! Can't they show different stuff on BOTS to the main show?
Charlotte boowooing in the DR that she's not going to get a message from home, you came in with your mum, FFS. She thinks the late entries should have sacrificed their temptations. I kind of see her point, but it's a bit late now. They should have used the energy saving lightbulbs, I guess.
Oh God, Ellie's turn for some first class actressing. Big Brother is going to 'shine a light on it'. Is it Lotan? Is that her mum? Please tell your daughter to get a fucking grip. Why are they always proud? What are they so proud of?
Ellie: 'I'm sorry I took you for granted. Did you get train here?' What about the lightbulb! No time for small talk.
'Have you got a tshirt with my name on?' is vainer than 'Are we being funny, mummy?' Get over yourself! If Ellie wins, I'm emigrating. What am I saying, JASON BURILL won last year. Da fuck.
Charlotte and Sue are seething. Ellie 'forgot to ask about her instagram followers.' My heart bleeds.
Kieran's hair, though! Stop that. OMG his mum has come in clutching a picture of a cat. I didn't have Kieran down as a cat lady. If he is, it makes me like him more. Hold on, he wasn't holding the photo when he came in! Is he ashamed of his pussy? Back to hating him again then.
Sue and Simone: 'They're tolerating us.' They're barely doing that.
I was hoping Andrew was going to get reunited with the ferret. No such luck. Drat!
Andrew turned down the letter! Good man. Strong gameplay. Andrew is now making a funny noise. 'Oooooooooh.' Like an old lady with a knee problem. Victim noises!
OMG that's so cruel to do that do a dog! Oh, she took it! Haha. That's not going to go down well. The dog is gorgeous! I'd take the dog over Charlotte's mum. In fact...
Sam: 'How did the dog get here?' Same way you did, but with more elegance and a better vocabulary.
Ellie is not really a pet person, she's just mad for dick. Sorry to slutshame, but who doesn't like animals? Sicko.
Charlotte and Isabelle have to choose between them who can see their temptation. Bit cruel, isn't it?
Charlotte had her mum in there. But Isabelle came in later.
Isabelle is good to let Charlotte do it. She's so strong! Isabelle didn't look when they showed her mum, ha. Oops.
Mandy telling Charlotte not to sit on the fence. Fuck off! Mandy, she needs a cuddle, not a lecture.
I hate Mandy saying what Chanelle said! 'Daddy says, you gave up your job for this. Take them out one by one, start with Chanelle, move onto Sue, then onto Simone.' She shouldn't be allowed to say that! Get out!
Charlotte: 'That was the best fucking five minutes of my life.' Seek help. Has she never had an orgasm or been to an above average pop concert?
Charlotte piping up to Chanelle cos mummy told her to! Pathetic! Ugh! OMG! 'I'm speaking.' Shut the fuck up. Tragic.
Charlotte: 'That's just my face.' About her resting bitch face. Well, that's true.
Charlotte: 'My job is vocal, all I do is argue with people.' Where can I apply for this? I literally just noticed Charlotte's accent for the first time. I've been watching her on TV for weeks!
Kieran and Raph are arguing about a can of spiced rum and cola. Kieran: 'I'm not going getting it, you go get it.' That's the real Kieran. 'Very selective' - just like his personality. 'Goodwill gesture'? Here's a man who's worked in customer service. A goodwill gesture would be fucking off and not looking back, you fake piece of crap. I don't blame Raph for not shaking his hand after the way he spoke.
Simone is admitting about the bottles. Does anyone care about these bottles!? I don't. Oh, Hannah does. Simone: 'I'm not a liar, and I'm not a bad person.' Not so much debatable as untrue.
All the women keen to have balls tonight.
Kieran giving it the old 'fool me once' George Bush fail speech. I was surprised he managed to get it right.
Charlotte crawling to Isabelle. Isabelle: 'I know I'll be out sooner.' Sooner than Charlotte? Actually, on a vote to evict, she will. And that ain't right!
Chanelle and Charlotte are clearing the air. Charlotte doesn't like being referred to as quiet! What the fuck. Try speaking, then. I prefer Charlotte without a personality. What Chanelle said wasn't malicious in the slightest. It was just a sarcastic comment.
You never see the night cameras anymore, do you? Ellie drawing attention to herself and Sam's dick. I hope they have some condoms in there, cos they're not the brightest sparks, are they? The last thing we need is them reproducing.The only temptation for viewers at the moment is the amount of hype about Love Island on the other side. If I didn't despise showmances, I'd be on it like a Sam up a magazine deal.

Big Brother UK 2017: 'You're the best big brother ever'

I just watched Big Brother US and watching BBUK straight after is such a comedown. It feels dirtier than Simone after draining the drink dregs. It's rough as old boots. I'm like Kieran down the clap clinic watching this.
I still find it odd that Sam sleeps in the room with Hannah and the Exiles. He's clearly part of the 'clique'.
Simone is upset she was called 'dangerous', even though she's clearly dangerous as fuck. She will be bundled out like Kim Woodburn within the week, and not just to the David Gest suite. To the bus stop or the court house.
I kind of like Andrew's skinny body, shameful as that is to admit. Shame about his face and voice and personality.
Charlotte sipping that drink and smirking when Andrew mentioned Simone's modelling is your GIF for tonight.
Chanelle and Raph walking off when Simone sat down wasn't cool, even though they're not bitching too badly. They are bitching a little bit.
Oh fuck, I never pay attention to the rules of the shopping task so I've just rewound it. OK, they have to keep the lightbulb lit up but they'll face a range of temptations (sounds familiar). They can also light up a dancefloor. What?! Is this some recycling shit? Some eco-friendly message here, like Ooglies?
Chanelle saw her nana and went 'waaaaa'. Nana: 'You're doing so well.' Chanelle: 'I know.' Ha! I liked Chanelle asking about her rabbits first, then her boyfriend. 'Does he still love me?' I'm glad he does.
Kieran's hair is getting a bit 'Winston' from Steven Goode's year. And that's not a good thing.
Raph's sister is the cutest! Gorgeous. 'You're the best big brother ever.' He might be, but this show isn't. His reaction was cute.
Sue: 'I've had one kick off in the house and you won't see another one.' Okey dokey. Cut to Sue's next kick off in 30 minutes time.
Simone pleased with herself that she can control her anger. Well done, you're a sentient adult (just)!
I keep forgetting Tom is in there now all his lackies have gone. His girlfriend couldn't even be bothered to come in then? No cutch for him! Wales is a bit of a way away, isn't it? 'You need to handle your drink a bit better.' Tell off times! Everyone on Twitter is moaning that Paris was meant to have dumped Tom but then she phoned him. I do not give a fuck about Tom and his lovelife. Zzzzz.
Simone digging Tom out for draining the energy out the lightbulb, ha.
Hannha is seeing her sister Mary. She already has one sister in the house! Greed! Can't Deborah see her as well?
Mary: 'You and Deborah are killing it!' I love Hannah crying. Mary: 'Listen to Deborah!' Mary talks exactly the same! Haha, Mary saying Deborah should get with Kieran. I'm glad Mary said Raph and Chanelle are cool.
I love Hannah telling Deborah her mum is happy with Kieran! Then running to tell Kieran! Then Kieran running after Deborah! Aw! He's not good enough for her, but that was cute. But what about the STDs, bruv? NOT GOOD. Put something on the end of it.
Housemates dancing montage! Standard.
The Exiles and the Clique are united in their hatred for Simone. Sam: 'I've got to get her out, she's doing my head in.' Noms talk! As soon as Simone goes up, she's a goner.
Simone doesn't even get a call, she just gets a letter! 'Dear mam, it was great when you stuck that bread up your arse.' Whatevs, no one cares. Bring back Calum Best's letter from home. Legacy.
Simone's kids are proud of her! Is it because she's not punched anyone in seven days?
Kieran going 'she's still a mother'. So cynical! He doesn't give two fucks about Simone. Andrew saying he's happy Simone got her letter. Lies!
Is Simone reading her apology off a cue card? Andrew is being quite sanctimonious tonight.
Simone admitting to Sue she 'did the bottles'. Sue will rat on her, deffo.
Look at the state of Ellie. Jesus. What is she even crying about? Desperate or what? I thought she'd seen a clip of Sam saying he liked Isabelle but not even. That'll be next. Give your head a wobble! Lay off the Smirnoff Ice. What has Sam even done?
Hannah needs to become a counsellor if she's not already. JOURNEY! Check.
Sue is right that Ellie requires a lot of mollycoddling and it's tiring. Ellie whining that Isabelle is better than her. Yes, she is. Also, put a duvet cover on that bed, you filthy beggars.
Sue criticising Chanelle to Raph. Know your audience! Chanelle has good relationships with the sisters and Isabelle. That would bug the hell out of me if someone said that about me. Most of Chanelle's friends are girls, except Raph.
Hannah having to counsel Chanelle now! Poor Hannah, who counsels her? Chanelle: 'No one sticks up for me.' That is so me, haha. It's horrible when you feel like your friends don't stick up for you.
Isabelle's counselling isn't quite as good as Hannah's. 'Who gives a fuck what a 50 year old woman has to say?' Haha. 'There's a lot of people who look up to you.' Let's not go too far.
Sue comes in the room and Chanelle goes off bawling. Oh, put a sock in it, Sue. I don't really get her strategy, going in there and targeting one of the favourites? Is she trying to topple the favourite to become the favourite? She's trying to take down a dictator but she doesn't have the back up. She doesn't have an army. You can't do it alone, Sue. It doesn't work that way. Not even during hurricane season.

Big Brother UK 2017: Checking the cheese

Sorry no blogs for a bit, it's been a busy old week. Behind on life in general.
I don't like this cunty side of Chanelle. I agree Simone is a mess, but Chanelle should rise above it, not lie down with the dogs.
I actually agree with Charlotte that if you're a nice person, you don't have to tell everyone, but the fact Charlotte mentions 'grabbing her popcorn' says it all. She's merely a spectator in the house. No wonder Simone forgets her name.
Sue and Simone are both total drama queens. The amount of airtime they're getting is annoying.
Stop saying 'don't come for me', Chanelle. You're not Sukhvinder.
Queen task. The public chose Chanelle, Ellie and Deborah to take part in a pageant. Hannah didn't look too happy. Aw, I feel sorry for Hannah! Why would people choose Ellie!? Argh. People don't really like Ellie... do they?
Chanelle saves her farts up and does one a day so the toxins don't go up into the 'oxone layer.' Considerate. Sam is always trying to annoy her!
Chanelle's Manchester song was quite good, wasn't it?! Sort of. God, this episode is hard to blog. This task is boring.
I like how bitter Chanelle is about the whole thing and Ellie getting a higher score than her.
Simone stacked it.
I'm glad Deborah was crowned queen. Chanelle stealing the crown was funny, though. Who coughed 'airtime'? Haha.
Chanelle is being such a diva today. Sue gave the word 'confident' four vowels. I'm sooooo tired of Sue.
Aw I love the facy that Deborah is getting loads of confidence this week. It's nice to see her with a twinkle in her eye.
Ooh, Simone can hear Chanelle slating her through the wall. Simone's garden is worth more than 15 grand. What's in it? Gold gnomes? A magic money tree?
Chanelle looks like she's had extra botox in the house. These days, I wouldn't be surprised if she actually had. I do agree that Simone is playing the victim, but Chanelle is kind of feeding into it. Simone is filth and is trying to get Chanelle to punch her. Even Sue could see it. Chanelle needs to be smart especially as she's on her 'final warning'.
Hannah is comforting Simone for 'ending up in prison.' Didn't they used to not be allowed in with criminal records? Hannah is being good with her. Simone is simply storylining as far as I'm concerned. I have no sympathy for her whatsoever, even though I did feel a little bit sorry for her last night when Isabelle and Chanelle went past her snickering.
Simone is sticking a slice of bread up her bum. Not sure why. 'I didn't ask for the bread with Nutella on it.' Ick.
Raph would not date anyone in the house... aw. Poor loopy Andrew is denied again. He'll still be begging him for hugs later, no doubt.
Sam and Kieran kissing is the least sexy thing on the planet. It's induced lesbianism in me. Sam considers that 'pulling' Kieran. Mind the STDs.
Why is Chanelle so mad about Sue, admittedly talking shit, to Simone? It's got nothing to do with her!
Simone is still saying she didn't hide the bottles. Who gives a fuck about the bottles. I'm just waiting for Big Brother to show it on the screen.
Simone is attention seeking in the hot tub. Ellie is 'checking the cheese' in the store room, ie. snogging jug-eared ignoramus Sam. I love the fact Hannah comes in and checks the tumble dryer, she doesn't just leave them alone! 
Simone is a disgrace and a drunk mess. Someone needs to keep an eye on her. I don't trust the producers to do it.
Andrew: 'It must be hard being so drunk.' Simone walks straight into it. I'm amazed she hasn't been thrown out yet.
I love Hannah trying to save the situation. Simone: 'You're looking at me like I'm a fucking dog' to Andrew. Weeeeeeellll. What is Simone eating? Pineapple.
Simone is always making shit up people say and denying what she has said herself.
Andrew is having a hissy fit. 'She's a dirty person, nah nah nah, she is dangerous, she's fucking vile, I don't like it.' Andrew is mental! He started that, Simone was walking away!
Simone: 'He tried to take the piss out of me because I'm drunk, it's his own fault.' She's kind of right. But also... she is a worry. She is an accident waiting to happen, and Big Brother knows it, and is exploiting her. I don't think I like it either.
Ooh, we did a podcast today! Hopefully a BB19 one coming soon!

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: The Finale

What is this final countdown show? I like them having all the ex housemates there early! This format is weird, though. Why not just do this bit as part of the main show? Well, let's give it a chance.
Woah, see the way Lauren hit the deck there? She's really wobbly! I'm going to give Lauren and Abz one vote to win each, as I don't really mind who wins out of those two.
Dinner speeches! It can never top Spencer Pratt's crying and Heidi demanding wine. I think that was on the live feed too? That was AMAZING. This. is. not.
Ha, they've dug Ron up! LOL to Emma and Sophie sparring with each other. Back when they were 16! What a pair of cunts they must have been when they lived together. Odious pair.
Danielle is just pathetic. Look at those crappy little cubes they're making them sit on. Set budget: zero pence.
Lauren's hair is looking fabulous tonight! Maybe they got makeovers. God, not another dull slideshow. Turgid.
That's a bit sneaky the way the first vote closed before the 'real' show even began. What if you only tuned in at 9? I note the two groups are sitting on different couches. God, Look at Charlotte's eyeshadow. She looks like Joan Collins.
Here's the main live show. Now I've got a confession to make. I'm broke, but going out for my friends birthday tomorrow, so had to conserve my last £30. But I wanted to have a drink whilst I watched this bullshit, so I went out and bought a Iron Bru WKD for a quid from the shop. I'm going to open it now. It's not too bad actually. I'm sure Charlotte would approve.
So I'm guessing it will be Vicky out first? Why are they booing Lauren? She looks cute. Ooh, I hope it's Mario out first. Oh, it is Vicky. OMG are they evicting them two at a time? Fucked up. Mario looked disappointed to be going. Bet he's even more disappointed to be walking out arm in arm with Janice Battersby. It's like getting evicted with your mum. Not sorry in the SLIGHTEST for him! AND it's pissing it down! Haha, the perfect accessories, Janice and a brolly. Sucks to be you, Mario.
Plus, you don't get to hear your own crowd reaction! You're the victim of someone else's boos/ cheers! What a wash out; literally. Make the show longer, or do more mid week evictions, you wallies. This is unacceptable. Have they done this before?
Ha, the tweenies probably didn't get a chance to vote for Mario before the show started. Funnies. Well, I guess it's hard to be popular when you just see women as body parts. I'm glad Courtney got evicted midweek now as she got her own interview!
My boyfriend is really anti umbrellas, so he'd go mad if someone forced him to carry an umbrella just as he got evicted. And to have your picture taken with it! The shame.
Mario: 'There's so much time in there to fink.' That must be hard when you've got no brain.
The crowd are really rowdy tonight! What are they chanting about? They're too distracting.
This joint interview is shit. Everyone deserves their own interview, even people off TOWIE. If BB can't even be bothered to do that, we might as well give up.
Mario doesn't like people speaking behind each other's backs?! Is he being ironic? He's 'not that sort of person'. I don't think Mario knows what sort of person he is. He doesn't KNOW HIMSELF. If only he could read, he could read my blog and find out.
Oh, at least Emma actually called him up on sitting in a gang with Carol, even if she stopped short of saying he was a bitch (which he was). Janice is talking ALL OVER Mario's interview. Ha.
I'm surprised they didn't give them joint best bits. Oh well, Mario, at least you got the wub wubs. That's all you can ask for. That and Wild by Jessie J, if you're Jack and Joe. I don't even think Mario's good looking. He's got a podgy face and a horrible personality. But... at least he's not Kirk Norcross.
Lauren looks SOOOOOO scared. Aw. Those people chanting 'get Lauren out' should be ashamed of herself. She's done nothing bad! She's shaking like a leaf and they're being nasty. I'm gonna ring up for Lauren again. Fuck those cunts. Hold on, it's probably Big Brother staff doing it to make me vote for Lauren.
Ha, Carol is coming out on her own, so gets the full range of booage. She's officially more loathed than Denise Welch and Colleen Nolan. I didn't think that was possible. She looked a bit shocked to go, I thought.
Was there a 'lot of love out there' for Carol? All I heard was boos.
Carol: 'The feeling in the house was that Abz would go before Mario'. The difference is, Abz is a nice person, Carol. She doesn't get it. She'll never get it. She's rotten.
This is bollocks, Carol 'enjoyed herself' I heard Carol moaning she wanted to leave, I'm sure of it! She moaned NON STOP.
As much as I don't like Charlotte, at least the final three people all have good hearts. Charlotte is playing up to her role, but I don't think she'd do you any wrong. All the nasties: Janice, Carol and Mario went out first, and that's a result.
Carol says about herself that she's 'much nicer than she thought she was.' She must have thought she was a total prick.
Ah, what, Carol's getting wub wubs? Boo!
I see Queen Charlotte can't even be bothered to sit with the other two. Oh, no, Lauren third! How could she compete with their fanbases? She couldn't. She looks pissed off. Hope she doesn't fall down the stairs. Oh the umbrella dude is walking her down. Cute. Lauren is doing a 'I'm working it' face. Aw, bless her.
Lauren was classy in her interview. It felt like she meant it when she said she was happy to be third. Lauren hopes Charlotte or Abz wins it. Who else is there?!
The Lauren and Courtney clips were so sweet. I hope they manage to stay friends. I'd love to see Lauren and Doug hanging out.
Lauren: 'Carol looks like my aunt Jennifer who we don't speak to.' Classic.
Aw, what a shame. But us Big Brother fans are used to this sense of disappointment. And now...
Oh, what, I thought we were going to get the whole thing, but they're breaking it up. I was considering blogging this Celebrity Super Spa but I resent them putting it on in the middle of the Big Brother final, so I'm not going to. I watched a bit of it and it was total shit so I watched Miley Cyrus chatting about smoking spliffs on Alan Carr instead. She seemed much more charming than when she was being 'wholesome'.
I also want to say something about Abz and people comparing him to Sam. Let's clear this up. Sam did nothing except be sexist, tell a couple of childishly amusing jokes and call Dexter a bellend. That was IT, in three months. Abz is quiet, but even in his moments of solitude, he has been consistently entertaining. He's intriguing. He's an enigma. Sam wasn't an enigma. He was ignominious.
And we're back. It's so obvious she's going to win it, because got a zillion Twitter followers. It's not fair, because that shouldn't be why someone wins. What has she done in the house? Pissed herself, flashed her boobs and told someone to suck off a pig. Jade Goody is looking like Princess Di right now.
And we're back. Emma seems incapable of saying the word 'sixth'.
Here we go. At least they're holding hands. Fuck, she won it. Abz is our Dexter. Charlotte is doing a 'Natalie Cassidy giving birth' face. Abz is so magnanimous in defeat. What a trouper.
Abz don't want that brolly. He's in Five! Should have pissed the bed, Abz. You missed a trick there.
Aw, 'my little heart can't take it.' So sweet.
I'm glad Abz said that Lauren should have won it. Charlotte doesn't deserve it. Charlotte deserves shooting.
Abz: 'I've done nothing for the last ten years.' Ha. No. You made a swan apple. His girlfriend is beautiful! He's too cute. He misses his pooches. Abz: 'This chair is incredible.'
Louie shaking under an umbrella looking murderous, and then sticks out his tongue when he sees a camera. Says it all. Ahhhh, Abz is sort of getting wub wubs. Abz deserves wall to wall wub wubs. There's not a person on the planet who could dislike Abz. Even though he talks like THAT.
So. This result makes me want to put a fist through a cake. But if you were in line with popular opinion, wouldn't you hate yourself? Those with taste are doomed to always support the runner up. Otherwise you'd be a One Direction fan.
OMG! What's with the dry ice? Or is something on fire?! LOL. I hope it's Carol McGiffin. Emma couldn't even see Charlotte! Hilarious. Maybe someone let off a grenade. I'm loving seeing all the losers standing in the rain (the celebs, not the crowd).
Charlotte seems to be having a breakdown. The public haven't 'warmed to her', just her idiot fans are in such high numbers she was guaranteed to win it before she even walked in the door.
At least she admits she's not 'ladylike' (the term 'ladylike' is sexist) but I feel like that's part of the act, too. Don't get me wrong, she's a sweet little dimwit, like someone you went to primary school with who hadn't learnt to control their bladder yet, who you were embarrassed of. But that's not something that makes a winner. That's someone to pity.
So, quite a fitting end to the worst series of Celebrity Big Brother ever. A dreadful winner for a dreadful series. Truly diabolical.
Did Emma just say into the camera: 'Thanks for coming out tonight in this awful weather.' No worries, you fucking idiot.
Thanks for bearing with the show, and bearing with me. We might do a wrap up podcast? I'll have to see what mood my boyfriend is in when he sees the result! My guess: displeased.
Thanks for reading. I guess the summer ends here. I need to find something else to blog, probably X Factor live shows. But it's soulless compared to BB! Night night, swan apples.

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: Battle of the blands

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Celebrity Big Brother 2013: If I go and she doesn't, I'm going to kill myself

I just voted to Save Courtney three times. Worth a pound to see the rest of their faces.
Ab giving Louie his belt! Good game move. Collateral, they call it in BBUS.
Carol is doing some blackening of Vicky's name for the hell of it. 'If I go and she doesn't I'm going to kill myself.' Can we get that in writing? Way to get Vicky a zillion votes. I don't even know what they were arguing about. I've forgotten! What's the problem with these two? It's obviously something REALLY important.
Listen to the way Carol SPEAKS to people! OMG. She's got the manners of a fucking pig, it's no wonder she likes Charlotte so much. I would LOVE Carol to go tonight.
Carol announcing 'there's gonna be a row tonight.' Yeah, cos you're starting it! Even if they are editing her badly, she's still being a super sized cunt.
Haha, Janice admitting she's trying to goad Carol. Good! I want to see them go toe to toe. I'm glad Janice isn't scared of her. Why does Carol think she's entitled to stay over anyone else?
Let's face it, BOTH women are acting like a pair of fucking kids. I don't know anyone who acts like this! Seriously, how do they think it's acceptable? Neither of them DARE properly take each other on. They're just bitching behind backs. Sad. And also, not very entertaining at all.
LOL Carol is sleep talking! Slagging someone off in your sleep is BAD strategy. Weak gameplay! Haha, hilarious.
I still don't get why Louie is getting cheered. Everyone else seemed to get booed.
The crowd are chanting 'get Vicky out'! Why! Oh, no, it's Courtney! Bad buzz! Out of all those odious people! What a joke, seriously. I'd be in shock if I was her. Barbie wants her dress back. CAREFUL DOWN THE STAIRS, COURTNEY. STFU Louie. He was in a hurry to get her out. I don't think Mario hugged her but I could be wrong.
I like Courtney! She was like a ray of sunshine in that place. Fuck, only just noticed what Emma is wearing! Is it Goth night?! Seriously, who is styling her this year? And why do they hate her so much? Probably because she's so annoyingly biased.
Aw, I hope Abz looks after Lauren now.
Courtney's shoes look like trotters. I guess she is happy to be out. Who can blame her?
Doug looks like the clown from IT with those balloons. Creepy!
Courtney is a charming interviewee. So cute of her to say she misses Lauren already and she didn't feel smothered by her at all.
Courtney's face when Mario was mentioned! Ha, finger-gate. She was bored, lol. Good excuse. 'I don't remember it'. Also another good excuse.
Why does Emma keep going on about Courtney moaning about wanting to leave? EVERYONE moaned about wanting to leave! Emma couldn't even be bothered to say she was a great housemate. Just 'thanks for your body.' That's not all you are, Courtney. You're not just hair and tits, despite what Mario (and Emma) thinks.
LOVING Louie being out! A great shock. I wish it had been Carol or Mario but it's still a slap in the face for Carol, and definitely a slap in the face for Louie's ego, which let's face it, needs keeping in check.
Hold on, Louie isn't being careful on the stairs! Heed your own advice! Look at the way he turns it on! It's ALL AN ACT! How can you ever take 'camp, spinning Louie' seriously again? We KNOW what he's like now! AND he was getting the biggest cheer in the house. Ha.
Even in Louie's interview Emma is moaning about Courtney wanting to go! What about Louie being a prize prick?! At least Louie admitted he found it hard in there. That was one piece of honesty at least.
That was quite good the way they did two evictions in an hour. Felt kind! It's going to be an even longer slog in the last two days without Courtney. Abz or Lauren FTW. Will be so disappointed if that spoilt gimp Charlotte takes it.
As Morrissey once sang, 'To be finished, would be a relief.'

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: Surrounded by ungrateful wankers

Do you think Lauren saw her mum? Well, let's just say they weren't exactly transparent about Rylan's Wembley rehearsals, were they, so nothing would surprise me. Lauren didn't seem to be saying she HADN'T seen her mum last night. This morning however, she's singing a different tune.
Seems like Charlotte is jealous of everyone in that house. No journey? Get to fuck! I'm glad Lauren was quite stern with her.
Why is Big Brother telling Lauren her mum turned up on eviction night, anyway? They shouldn't be telling them ANYTHING! Oh, why do I bother?
Carol and Mario slagging off Vicky. Ugh. I thought she was out of order too, but I'd rather eat my own eyeballs than side with this shower of cunts.
Carol calling Vicky, 'Just nasty'. Yeah, cos that crown belongs to you, Squidward. And you're not sharing it with anyone!
Abz cushion towers and Lauren's pig collecting tales are infinitely more interesting than anything anyone else will ever say in that house, which says it all.
Rylan's in da house! Dear Lord, Danielle and Sophie back in the house, too. Just what we didn't want. What a pair of arseholes.
Flirting is NOT cheating! Courtney's leg is going. I'm glad Louis defended her. Courtney looks mad!
Charlotte has got the right arsehole today. I think it's the 'do you need a talent to be a celebrity' question getting on her nerves. Aw, she's blubbing. I'm glad the house is making her doubt her pathetic facade.
Mario: 'Making people warm to you is the hardest talent you'll ever have.' Yeah. Especially when you're a reptile.
Why is Sophie kissing Carol's arse?
I'm glad Lauren defended Carol over the boyish figure thing. There was no need for Danielle to bring that up again. I'm so glad she left when she did, what a horrid person. How long has Danielle been working on the pirouetting piranha line? Absolutely tragic. What a pathetic display all round from Sophie, Carol, Danielle AND Louie. I've never seen Rylan so subdued. Even his teeth seemed dimmer.
Lauren and Courtney are on their own planet. I love their little world. I hate the way Carol talks to Courtney like she's a child. Even if she did put a stock cube in the kettle.
Oh, Louie wants to win now! Have they told them all to stop carping about wanting to go home? About time. Oh, they ALL want to win now!
It's funny Carol mentions 'atmosphere hoovers' because that's exactly what she is. I never get it when I see her and Louie slagging each other off because I always think they're best of friends. I can't work it out.
I hope all this bullshit doesn't save Janice tomorrow cos I want her to go. But in fact I don't mind who goes except Courtney. And it's a double so we can get two idiots out.
Wow, Carol and Charlotte are SO bitter about Lauren storming to the final. I feel like the editing is a bit skewy because I can't really work out who hates who. But I know one thing. I hate everyone.

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: Vicky's a stupid gremlin

Squidward: displeased with Spongebob's incessant giggling

Sorry I didn't blog at the weekend, it was a shame really as Vanessa Feltz's takedown of Team Cuntrag was quite delightful. We did do a rather high pitched podcast about the week's events, though, if you're interested. Anyway, on with tonight's show. Looks like it's going to be another shit stirring galore episode.
Mario's face is looking more bloated and puffy by the day. I know NOTHING about this guy from TOWIE, and his 'reputation' and I still know this guy is an enormous prick from a mile away.
Abz is getting involved larking about with Louie. Upping his game! Watch out BB finale.
LOL to Big Brother taping together all he people who hate each other. I couldn't do that all day.
Abz can even Kung Fu kick spatulas into the sink today. Is there nothing this man can't do? Surely they can't really be going loo together? That's an infringement of your privacy. Your arms would hurt like hell, too.
Mario and Courtney stroking each other's hands was VERY dodgy, much more suspect than the dancing, in my opinion. It had shades of Chantelle and Preston about it. It made me feel bad. Fuck him, because he's not interested in her, it's just in his nature to try and fuck anything that moves. I don't know what she's playing at. I think she's just young and gone a bit nuts but she needs to fix up and work out what she really wants because it's fucked up to do that on TV.
Ooh, so they're nominating in pairs. Interesting as they'd normally nominate each other. Louie and Vicky are up first. They nominated Courtney for being 'not that bothered about seeing her husband'. Well... Ha, they're nominating Carol, too. Hilarious.
I can't believe Carol nominated Louie, too. I thought they were BFFs! A severed alliance. Carol agreed to Lauren nominating Mario! She nominated her entire alliance! LOL.
OMG Courtney and Mario lying on the bed and she's got her fingers in her mouth. Lawks. I would be freaking out if I was her husband.
Abz is nominating Courtney! Boo, what about their moth moments? These noms are mental. Wow, can't believe Charlotte agreed to nominating Carol! These alliances are paper thin. The clique has clicked off.
I can't believe Mario wants to nominate Carol for 'bitching whilst she's drunk'. He's sat there bitching with her! He's the biggest hypocrite in that house. He blames others for things HE DOES HIMSELF constantly. What a ginormous tool.
Carol, Courtney, Mario, Vicky and Louie are up! Cool, Lauren and Abz are safe. I'll vote to save Courtney.
They made the right choices about which letters to shred, except Lauren's. Shred, shred, shred. Carol's alliance is in bits! Louie, Carol, Mario and Charlotte seem to hate each other today. I couldn't be happier.
Janice got a shout out from the local dignitaries, the Mayor, and even Edith, lol. Edith FTW. Blub blub blub. Next.
The housemates think Lauren saw her family in the house! Or did she see Dr Ottoman? Probably her mother.
I don't like the way Janice is speaking to people; she's being a patronising old bag. She is kind of right what she's saying to Louie, though, he doesn't seem bothered about anything. I'm glad Louie is actually saying he wanted to hear from his husband. DID Lauren see her family? She didn't react at all when Charlotte said Lauren had seen her mum.
I HATE IT when people say 'let me finish'. That was one of my old boss's favourite psychotic expression. 'LET ME FINISH'. 'I'M NOT BEING FUNNY'. FUCK OFF.
Janice is being a cow to Charlotte. I like the way Charlotte is unfiltered sometimes! 'Stupid fucking cow' - ha. At least she doesn't stand on ceremony.
Janice: 'I'm 45 years old.' This is a more pathetic statement than telling someone to suck a pig off. I'd rather be in there with Charlotte than Janice, because at least Charlotte doesn't kowtow like Janice does. No one deserves respect for being a certain age. Should I respect Robert Mugabe because of his advanced years? Piss off.
Charlotte is not TRYING to be an example for girls who want to be a doctor or a lawyer. She's not trying to be a role model. She's an average girl who got a lucky break and is making the most of it. There's no need to call her a 'fat slag'. I don't like her myself, but who does Janice think she fucking is? She was fat herself for years, so it's totally hypocritical of her to call anyone else fat. What 'university course' has Vicky been on? Is that what we measure people in, fucking GCSEs and degrees? How about if a person is considerate, kind, lovable, likable, loyal, brave? Can we measure people like this instead?
And the million dollar question: what IS the expression Charlotte's boyfriend makes when he ejaculates inside her?

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: The relationships will stand the test of time

Just watched Breaking Bad! Now gotta watch this crap. Groo. It's a double eviction and I'm not even bothering to watch it live, which says it all. I have a feeling the Americans are gonna get nuked tonight, which is a shame as they're two of the only ones I like.
'At the top of these Very stairs!' That was a good plug, Emma.
I can't believe we're having a discussion about whether or not farting is disgusting. Of course farting is disgusting. It's only acceptable in front of your partner.
I actually saw Bruce being quite pleasant on live feed last night. But let's not get over-excited. I wouldn't mind Janice going tonight. Janice or Louie or Bruce.
How cowardly of Carol to quite Loose Women in her column and not even tell her colleagues. It's embarrassing when people sidle off like that at my work, let alone on TV.
How come Louie is getting the secret task? They're obviously trying to save him. Annoying.
Courtney coming onto Bruce for a fag, lol.
Louie doesn't have to act very hard to have a meltdown. It's just him being his normal self. Sushi rage! I'd be mad if he threw crisps around. Step back from the crisps!
Abz's girlfriend is cute. I don't know who these other people are. TV gold declared. Whenever TV gold is declared, you can guarantee it's TV lead. Dustin's wife: 'call from a mobile phone!' What about a cell phone?
LOL to Janice tidying up. What a sucker. Abz is tidying up, too. Tee hee.
The others are horrified that Louie acted so well. But he looked like he was really crying to me.
Courtney grinding on Mario, oh Lord. Her hair extensions are worse than Gina's. OMG you hypocrite, Mario! 'If that was my wife in here I'd be going mad.' Don't dance with her like that, then, you creep! That's the biggest double standard I've ever seen.
Courtney: 'Weetos!' It's like her and Lauren are in the nursing home.
Mario, you're the person who's cheated on a billion girlfriends, aren't you? She's DANCING, not cheating! That type of dancing is gross, but that's how some girls and boys dance these days (so I've heard).
Why is Louie getting such a big cheer?! This is BS.
I'm not shocked Dustin went on a vote to save. He doesn't deserve to go, but he's the least well known, and he's not doing very much. It's a shame really, as I don't mind watching him. Vote to save is good to get rid of floaters, but the least famous/ well known are also vulnerable.
It's weird when people get cheered when they come out, but are booted early. Dustin must be pleased to go.
Dustin is trying to say what's aired and isn't! How would he know if he hasn't seen the show? I saw him on live feed saying he'd seen the show.
I didn't mind hearing what he said in the interview. He seems like an intelligent person. It's going on a bit, though. How come he gets such a long interview?
2nd eviction. Get Courtney out?! What is this, the anti-American edition? I'm glad Courtney was saved.
OMG Bruce is out! I thought it would be Janice to leave over him. Not sorry to see the back of Bruce, tbh.
LOL they're playing Oasis. Isn't that insensitive to Nicole Appleton? *topical*
I think Bruce could have had a 'journey' but he'd have had to pay Dexter first. I think he was lucky to have Janice in there looking after him. She's probably pleased to have the freedom of him going.
Bruce: 'We didn't have any conflict.' I think they did.
I think Bruce did turn a corner after being angry, but it's not exactly redemption.
Well, that was a great episode if you like hearing boring people moaning about food. Enjoy your evening!

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: I'm over it

Why weren't face to face nominations live? Something vaguely interesting happens and they can't be bothered to show it. Figures.
Abz is only a year older than me, I learnt from Heat magazine in the bath earlier *glimpse into my world*. He comes across like he's been through a world war, not a boyband going bust.
Charlotte, please spare me the image of Carol 'sucking her boyfriend's willy'. Some things should not be pictured.
Dustin looks like a man on the edge. When Bruce is comforting you, you're screwed. Poor Screech, he looks tired out. I don't blame him for being over it. I'm over it, too. Dustin's now the same way Abz was when he entered the house. Like a haunted mansion.
Charlotte's psychic act is mildly amusing, but I'm not interested. It's so scripted, especially given the fact they keep mentioning Carol. Do they think we were born yesterday?
Why are they starving the housemates, anyway? I don't really get it. Has the food budget been cut? Waitrose too dear? Shouldn't have fucked things up with Lidl by having Jedward wreck the joint, ha.
This challenge is sponsored by Maximuscle! How can they do a task when they're all starved? Boo woo. I don't care about tasks. But I do advocate more celebrities being put in paperbags. Eyeholes in a paper bag, greatest lay I've ever had, as Brian Molko once said.
Dustin is doing a John McCruick, but instead of silence, he's on hunger strike, and there's no Diet Coke at the end of his rainbow.
I don't really see how Carol putting up Courtney is a 'special power'. Courtney would be up anyway, plus she only got one nomination.
Lauren's boobs are hanging out now! Has she been taking lessons from Courtney?! Bruce wants to stay? WTF. I'd hate to see him if he wants to leave.
I kind of like the way Sophie was with Lauren in the end, there was sort of a bit of humanity between them.
I actually saw Sophie being nice to Dustin, too. She actually listened to him, unlike most people in there, so STFU Carol.
Where's the dick on Carol's face gone? I'm surprised they could afford to pay for a new picture. How come Dustin goes 'I'm so glad you're here, I missed you' to Carol? Gameplanning! This is a blog full of questions.
Carol doesn't look 'lovely', she's just combed her hair. Actually, I don't mind what she's wearing.
I hate Carol's stupid scripted nomination to Courtney. What a load of tosh.
Face to face noms. If I only I cared if one person in that house lived or died. What has Dustin been analysing? All I heard was him moaning about food.
Is Carol immune? Why is no one nominating her?
Why is Bruce nominating Dustin if 'he's a great friend'? Dustin is an easy out face to face.
What sort of reason is it to nominate Lauren that she keeps falling over?
Dustin, Louie isn't 'kind of an arsehole.' He's a MASSIVE arsehole.
Up are Courtney, Abz, Bruce, Dustin, Lauren, Louie and Vicky. I think Dustin could be vulnerable. I don't exactly think there's a hardcore of Screech fans who are going to save him. Do you?
Ah, I get it. Dustin was acting up to get nominated. Fair enough. Every other idiot has done it.
Lauren: 'I can wear flat shoes and I don't have to leave tissues everywhere.' Why don't you try it, then?
Abz is right; Courtney does get a lot of stick. She's not that bad. I hope both of them stay. There's still some Five fans left, right?
Carol shit-stirring about Courtney's husband. Blah. No one wants to see you 'all over' your bloke. Gross.
Oh, so now Dustin's saying he DID lose his cool today. Make your mind up. I thought Bruce was quite good with him, really. I change my mind on everyone in this house every five minutes.
That felt real when Abz and Vicky said they wanted Lauren to win.
It seems like Courtney is being stifled by her husband and she's had a taste of freedom now. That man shouldn't have married her at 16, it's ridiculous. She needs to develop as a human. Still, bit late now.

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: All she is is a set of boobs and fake hair

Well, we're both still here (yes, all two of us) so we've obviously got nothing better to do. Shame on us! I'm feeling better though, and you keep ticking my boxes (not a euphemism!) no matter how low I sink, so for that, I'm happy. An eviction, then. With an hour's break in between. Will anyone stick around for the denouement? And can Carol patronisingly explain to us what denouement means?
My boyfriend gave up on yesterday's episode halfway through, and I switched off the live feed immediately as soon as I saw someone (Sophie) moaning to go home. I'm not watching it. If live feed dies, you can rest the blame squarely on Louie Spence's thick head. Done.
I've decided not to vote, even though I want Sophie to stay and Bruce out. If this is the best celebs they can afford, I'm not giving them more money to spend on... what? Fuck 'em! Let the chips fall where they may. I want no part of it.
I don't think even Emma can muster up any enthusiasm for this series anymore. I'd rather go shag one of Busted than deal with this shower of cunts, too.
I cannot BEAR these people in the safe house, or whatever the hell they're calling it today. Courtney is being pathetic, too. She looks alright in the boiler suit.
TOWIE prick: 'All she is is a set of boobs and fake hair.' Well that's two more things than you are, Mario. You're just Carol's little bitch. I actually didn't mind him until two days ago, but his real personality is leaking out all over the place, like an STD.
Ha, pleased to see they're humilating Abz with his Five back catalogue. Is this really want Mr Big wants? He was better off in Sex and the City, sleeping with that horse (I haven't seen that show, so I can't confirm that's what actually happens).
Geordie Shore is right that Courtney is ungrateful about seeing her husband. I can only assume her husband is solely a business arrangement, which is why she doesn't give a shit. Otherwise, wouldn't she still be on a high from it?
Big Brother, recreate Sophie's goth moment, please.
How can you recreate a Corrie moment with Janice and Les and not bring back Janice's horse fleece? I quite liked seeing Janice back in action. She was good in Corrie. Les: not so much.
Bruce does not look happy that the housemates were eating sushi. He probably doesn't like sushi anyway. He probably doesn't know what sushi is. Ha, they're stitching them up as usual. Ooh, showing Mario and Lauren's horrid comments about Courtney was cruel.
Evict Carol! This is all BS anyway. I wish they WOULD evict Carol. I hate it when they pretend to do something cruel but don't. Actually do it!
Carol should be happy to leave, she's always moaning anyway. Poor Screech, Carol has been mean. Mario has been mean, too!
Carol IS vicious. They shouldn't let her wear sunglasses whilst they're nominating her to go. I want to see her face fall (further). She IS hurt, I don't care what she says. Charlotte, don't cry over Carol. She called you a Geordie slag just three nights ago.
So they've pretending to evict Carol and stuck her in a secret room. I'd be glad to have a night on my own if I was Carol.
Oh, Courtney's reasoning makes sense that she thought the others would evict her for boiler suit gate. If that's true.
Louie moaning about people being 'venomous'. Ha.
That was nice of Lauren to say Carol doesn't hate Sophie, because I believe she does.
Courtney, your nipples are hanging out. Lauren is talking crap here; she said loads of shit about Courtney in the secret room! 'Peer pressure' made Lauren say bad things about Courtney. OK then.
I hope when Carol goes back in, she apologises to Charlotte for calling her a slag, as it was disgusting what she said and it's clear Charlotte cares for her. Carol doesn't care about ANYTHING.
Why isn't anyone getting booed?! Have they turned the crowd down?
OMG Lauren got the most votes! What the fuck. I've had enough of her. Even my curiosity about her wardrobe is pretty much through. My boyfriend put a fiver on Lauren to win, you know. Could the prophecy come true?
Oh God, I gotta wait an hour now? Well, I'm going to eat a bin bag full of crisps (ie. a bag of Sensations lemon chicken). I'm not gonna post this in between. That would just be sick, plus no one would read the last bit.
And we're back. I ate my crisps and several chocolate orange eclairs, aka, filling destroyers. I notice the second part is just labelled 'eviction interview' in the planner; that's useful for people searching for Big Brother. Well done.
Let's get on with this so I can go to bed. And if they think I'm staying up for BOTS, they've got another think coming. I've lost the will to live. 11pm is too late on a school night, and I generally stay up late.
Why is Sophie looking so prim? Looks like she's going to a society wedding.
Ahhh Sophie was evicted. She's one of the old people I actually like in that house. And I can't stand her most of the time, ha.
I see from Twitter that AJ spoilt the result. This is why I don't look on Twitter when a show is on I care about. I squint at my @ replies and that's about it. Social media = entertainment ruined.
Sophie doesn't care about being booed and she's happy to win. She was there for 'the experience'? Pull the other one.
Sophie doesn't agree she's bossy. She IS bossy and a know it all. Why is Emma being so hard on Sophie? So what, she's a know it all. I hope Emma is going to be equally hard on Carol, Louie and Bruce, etc. Yeah, as if. Emma can be a right pissy little bitch sometimes, yet she's universally seen as 'sweet'. Well, I think she's sour.
Oh, God, Carol going back in. I'd rather see Carol in the electric chair. Courtney doesn't look too happy. Oh, seriously, are they going to give Carol powers now? Great, that's all we need.
I'm glad Sophie doesn't have to put up with this. Why do I?! So what if Carol gets to nominate one housemate? Courtney would have been up anyway.
I would rather look in the mirror than look at Carol. I'd rather be Les and look in the mirror naked than look at Carol. I am definitely not touching the live feed with a barge pole with her smug face all over it.
You're right, the live feed is boring, Carol. But not as boring as you gloating, you hamster-faced, dried out shrew. As she's made personal attacks on every single person in that house, I'm sure she won't mind me insulting her appearance.
Well, what a load of balls. Can I go bed now?
PS: If you're a fan of our BBUS podcast, sorry there's not been one for a bit. We haven't even covered Aaryn drinking nail polish (a personal highlight - if only it had been a litre bottle). We'll be catching up at the weekend, anyway. Goodnight!

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: Are the prisoners them or us?

I'm having a bit of a funny week at the moment so do bear with me. Mind you, if you're still bearing with this show, you'll bear with anything, so I've got the right audience here.
LOL to Lauren accusing Abz of nominating her when he didn't! Passive aggressive, much? Has she got him confused with Mario? Abz laughing as she walked away. Why DIDN'T he nominate her, more to the point?! Ha, she also accused Louie. God, I'm glad I'm not inside her head.
How come Lauren gets to go into a secret task room again? She was already in the cult! Well, we thought Chris Fountain was going in, and it looks like The Phantom is in there as 'Mr Big' (isn't that some dude from Sex and the City)?
The housemates giving up their food... yawn. Who cares if Screech hid peanut butter? I'd gladly give up Alpen. Ugh, Alpen. Why is Mario moaning about him? Competition? Why are Carol and Mario getting so upset about the peanut butter with the way they go on all the time? It's peanut butter, it's not champagne.
Lauren's mum is more diplomatic than Carol? That wouldn't be hard. Mr Big is my new favourite housemate. I hope he slaughters the lot of them, starting with Bruce, then Carol, then Louis.
Chicken feet for dinner. Sophie's been in the jungle, she must have eaten a testicle or two there! I can't watch people eating normal food, let alone this crap. This episode has BLOWN so far.
Ha, Courtney has to give up her bunny and her clothes to see her husband. Sounds fair enough. I think they've done this to make Courtney shut up about wanting to go home. Bet she still doesn't shut up. Courtney doesn't look that bad in her boiler suit. They make them wear a humilitard on BBUS. She is shallow. Aw, that was kind of sweet when she saw her husband, even though I thought she was a bit frosty towards him. He seemed pleased to see her at least.
I don't remember Saved by the Bell. Am I missing much?
I think I want Abz to win now?! WTF. I did like Mario but he's been quite snippy tonight. Courtney is too shrill. Lauren is too Misery. I don't like floaters but I hate everyone so much, it's really hard to champion the 'characters'. This is the closest I've ever come to just giving up watching.
Janice is right - watching live feed is a torture. Is Carol really spinning the 'there's starving people in the world' line? Dear me. This is one of the worst episodes of CBB I've ever seen, and that's saying something. I'd like to headbutt that 'broken glass' right now.
Courtney to Abz: 'What part of me made you feel like I was superficial?' Where shall we start? She's being really annoying tonight, which is a shame, as I rather liked her before. But she does think the sum of her parts is a pair of boobs. It's sad.
Why on earth isn't Lauren flushing the toilet after her? Gross. This is the most depressing series of CBB ever. It's like watching Banged up Abroad. Except I enjoy Banged Up Abroad.
I'm this close to throwing in the towel.

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: Les Miserables

Sorry I haven't blogged for a couple of days, I've not been well and I'm still feeling rough so it's probably going to be a bitchy one. But thought I'd better pull my finger out as this will all be over soon (oh well). I've watched a bit of live feed on Daily Motion and all I see is every single celebrity moaning that they want to go home. First thing I'd do if I was the producer would be to ban people from saying that. It's so boring to listen to. A formal warning for every time you ask to leave, three strikes and you're out with no fee paid. Sophie's moaning on the LF recently was particularly annoying. You're earning thousands to be in there. At least Mario, Charlotte and Lauren want to be there.
I liked the party they had last night, there were some quite good props and Courtney cage dancing and drinking out of her shoe were memorable Big Brother moments. Although she's another culprit for moaning about going home, at least she does have some fun. I think she must win an award for the most scantily clad housemate ever.
Good on Charlotte for confronting the grumpy monster that is Les. 'Foul mouthed little cow' - well, she might be, but at least she's not moaning about wanting to leave all the time. Shut up, Janice, defending his behaviour. Who cares how old he his, he's a horrible, angry man and doesn't deserve respect. They're ALL adults, they all deserve equal respect. Well, mostly.
Mario is one of the only people making me laugh in there at the moment; going 'your boyfriend wants to go clubbing without you' to Carol was a great line.
LOL to Charlotte screaming in the DR and everyone can hear it. Janice basically has to tell Les to check himself. God knows what he'd be like if she wasn't in there - no doubt the red mist would be descending.
Nominations! They're frequent aren't they. Charlotte put up Bruce and Abz cos neither of them can stand her, ha.
Carol nommed Sophie and Bruce. I don't believe Carol is scared of Bruce. I don't think she's scared of anyone.
Why is Abz nominating Courtney for always having her arse out? You would have thought that was a bonus. Courtney's arse is less offensive than Carol's face. He also nominated Sophie for being me, me, me. Can't really argue with that.
Bruce nominated Lauren for being messy! I thought she's been cleaning up?! She's not gonna be happy.
Sophie nommed Courtney and Bruce for 'shouting at a woman.' Is shouting at a man OK?
Lauren nominated Louie and Mario! She fancies him and he won't talk to her. Aw.
Janice: 'There's no one I dislike in here.' REALLY? I have never hated a bunch of housemates for. When two you can just about bear are from TOWIE and Geordie Shore, you're in big trouble. I don't mind Screech but he was mithering bad on the LF about wanting to go home. You're getting paid! It's three weeks. Deal with it.
Dustin nominated Louie and Lauren. I'm surprised he didn't do Courtney and Carol for being so drunk and noisy.
Courtney nominated Carol for farting and not using air freshner! And Charlotte for farting, too! It's 'not classy.' Nor's walking round in a thong. Still, I'd rather deal with her arse cheeks than Carol's.
Courtney got married in that bikini?! LOL.
Bruce is bitterly letting Courtney sit next to him 'until Vicky comes back.'
Mario nommed Bruce - no surprise there, you can tell he's come from an abusive family, he's got that look in his eye and Lauren for spilling her drink!
Janice nommed Courtney for having her arse hanging out and Charlotte for standing up to Bruce.
Louie nominated Bruce for being angry and Sophie for having botox and lying about it, ha.
So, Bruce, Sophie, Courtney, Lauren and Louie are up. I really hope Bruce goes, but I bet it will be Sophie.
They showed the nominations, haha. I hate them all going 'yes' when they're up. It's so fake! Bruce's rigid grin when they showed the noms says it all. I don't think him or Lauren are going to take this lying down.
How can Sophie not KNOW she's bossy?! She's SO bossy.
God, they give them SO much booze in that house. They're proper lushes.
Lauren is 'doing a Mikey' in the bedroom, crying over her family photos. Stop actressing, Lauren! You''re not Miss Haversham, despite the wardrobe.
Sophie doesn't mind people who are hypocrites, even though she is one. Why are the housemates weighing themselves and measuring themselves? It's not the Biggest Loser.
Why isn't Carol up for eviction?! She's so vile! I just don't get it. I really hope her boyfriend leaves her. She's absolutely disgusting in every way.
Louie and Sophie are both as odious as each other. There's no one to champion in that house.
I saw this conversation with Vicky and Sophie on the LF and I thought Vicky was quite patient with her. She IS so me, me, me. But I still like Sophie more than Carol, Bruce and Louie.
Mario is quite patient with Sophie, really. She does whine a lot. But I do sympathise about people squealing in the bedroom. It would drive you mad. I'd scream. I can't even watch the live feed because it's just screeching and wailing. The normal housemates this year were so much more civillised, this lot are animals.
The thing with vote to save is it's not as clear cut who will go. If it was vote to evict it would be pretty tight between Sophie and Bruce, but vote to save? It's anyone's! Personally, I want Bruce and his tomato face out. Right, I'm off to bed. Night night!