Why, hello again! Back so soon? Oh God, it's the aftermath of Chanelle's £400 shag. Chanelle is still missing Raph, and Raph got drunk without her. They're in LOVE! Not like that. But they love each other and it's sweet. Who cares if he's a consultant!
Jake: 'Your gran's gonna watch this.' Chanelle: 'It's my boyfriend so make it look romantic and cuddly.' It wasn't bad. It was just the moaning I could have lived without.
Jake is saying Charlotte is poisoning Andrew against Chanelle, which is true. Chanelle got the whole night to talk to her boyfriend and Charlotte only got five minutes with her mum, so who wins?!
Hannah on Sam: 'I just feel like he doesn't really stand for much.' I'll say. He stands for jack shit. Hannah: All they want to do is become reality stars.' To be fair, you are on Big Brother. Still, I guess no one watches it these days so you won't become a star.
Finally there's a hairdresser in the house, an increasingly orange Andrew, rather than Helen Wood doing her usual moody undercuts. The haircut he did for Ellie looks OK.
Chanelle has some bed hair going on. 'I feel like a proper dirty stop out.' She did get chicken, and a shag and breakfast in bed. Sounds great. Who could ask for more? A whole night of outside contact, too!
Chanelle prefers Raph to her boyfriend as he doesn't snore but she wants to get her end away at the weekend with Jake. I believe Raph and Chanelle's friendship will endure in the outside world.
Chanelle dishing the dirt to Isabelle and Raph about Charlotte trying to 'attack her character'.
One of the boys has to agree to have a 'back, sack and crack' done. I already know who has it, as I saw it on BOTS, it's Andrew and it looked fucking HILARIOUS. I once tried to wax my own legs and the only thing I've waxed since are my eyebrows. It was excruciating. I cannot imagine the pain of getting your ARSEHOLE waxed. In fact; I thought that was just a made up thing, to be honest. But now I've seen it with my own eyes. Cannot unsee!
I half wish Tom had pressed the button first. I think I'd want my butt doing before my legs because legs are a large surface area! Men shouldn't have shaved legs. Well, not ones who want to sleep with me anyway (form an orderly queue, hairy guys).
Charlotte 'gets her fanny done every month.' I'm just imagining the grow back time in between now. One word: Nair.
Beautician: 'We'll get you up on all fours to do your bum crack.' The housemates are watching! Raph is actually walking away, haaa. What is his problem! I don't think he's in touch with the grooming side of the gay thing. You must suffer like women do, Raph, haven't you heard?
Tom: 'He looks like a roast chicken going in the oven.' That's the funniest thing he's ever said.
Kieran's face watching it all unfold was amazing, like a me watching childbirth. The noises Andrew was making were sublime. You gotta hand it to him; he went the extra mile there. I can't imagine people doing that in a private room, let alone on TV.
Raph is getting to meet a 'Big Brother legend.' Shame it's Josie. Helen Wood would be better, haha. Second Helen Wood mention of the blog. I'll try and get another one in before the end.
Raph singing about combine harvesters to Josie, I love it. He's the cutest. He's such a fangirl.
Josie's advice is awful. 'These people aren't your friends.' THEY ARE! And telling him to do pranks. Fucking pranks! Let Raph be Raph, Awful advice. Should have got crab eyes in.
Chanelle saying 'I just went in the room for chicken.' Haha.
Raph is reporting back what Josie said about Charlotte and Andrew and aligning the outside contact advice with Raph's. Chanelle: 'I don't feel so bad about how red Andrew's balls are now.' Ha.
Chanelle discussing having 'old married couple sex that didn't last long' on TV. Hardly seems worth it.
'Deborah and Kieran are talking about cats.' Finally. That's like when I find a fellow cat lover once I start a new job. That magical moment when you're in the company of people like you. Raph is teasing them about moving in together. I think if they were gonna get it on, they would have done it by now.
Chanelle's vagina is throbbing and she's not had a shower. Sounds like a recipe for thrush to me.
Sam and Ellie have been offered the chance to have sex in the boudoir. Well, it worked out well for Daley and Hazel didn't it. Actually I wouldn't mind seeing Ellie get throttled.
Chanelle: 'Make sure they've changed the sheets.' Ha. Why is BB so obsessed with seeing Sam and Ellie get it on? It's not sexy, it's not interesting, it's disgusting. It's not Love Island. Not one person on my timeline wants to see it and I think I'm pretty much following everyone left watching Big Brother at this point.
The housemates are banishing Raph and Keiran from each team. Not sure what that means. Oh, they can't take part anymore or win any money. I'm worried Charlotte will evict Chanelle as part of this task if she gets the chance. That could really happen! Imagine. Wallpaper evicting the star of the show. And don't get me wrong, Chanelle does get on my nerves at times. But she's genuinely funny and entertaining. Charlotte is neither.
Hannah is doing pranks now. Enough with the pranks, everyone! We're not 12 year old boys at boarding school.
Ellie to Sam: 'You are the six foot three funny guy I've never met before.' Six foot two showmance shit! They are pretending they're having their first date. Bit of a weird first date when you're explaining away your jealously and psychosis.
Ellie looks like she doesn't want to sleep with Sam. Big Brother is basically forcing her to.
Charlotte on Sam: 'When he first came in I thought he was thick as fuck and desperate for fame.' So, what's changed? Charlotte: 'Neither of them are too bright.' Nice thing to say about your BFF in the house! Charlotte: 'This task isn't going to end well.' True.
Sam is having an existential crisis in the boudoir because he likes Ellie. What's the problem?
Ooh they're either not having sex, or they didn't show it. Ellie's nana can come out from behind the sofa now.
PS: Big Brother is 17 today. Happy birthday. I still love you, baby. We don't all age well.
PPS: BBUK podcast and BBUS podcast, if you fancy 'em.