Celebrity Big Brother 2013: If I go and she doesn't, I'm going to kill myself

I just voted to Save Courtney three times. Worth a pound to see the rest of their faces.
Ab giving Louie his belt! Good game move. Collateral, they call it in BBUS.
Carol is doing some blackening of Vicky's name for the hell of it. 'If I go and she doesn't I'm going to kill myself.' Can we get that in writing? Way to get Vicky a zillion votes. I don't even know what they were arguing about. I've forgotten! What's the problem with these two? It's obviously something REALLY important.
Listen to the way Carol SPEAKS to people! OMG. She's got the manners of a fucking pig, it's no wonder she likes Charlotte so much. I would LOVE Carol to go tonight.
Carol announcing 'there's gonna be a row tonight.' Yeah, cos you're starting it! Even if they are editing her badly, she's still being a super sized cunt.
Haha, Janice admitting she's trying to goad Carol. Good! I want to see them go toe to toe. I'm glad Janice isn't scared of her. Why does Carol think she's entitled to stay over anyone else?
Let's face it, BOTH women are acting like a pair of fucking kids. I don't know anyone who acts like this! Seriously, how do they think it's acceptable? Neither of them DARE properly take each other on. They're just bitching behind backs. Sad. And also, not very entertaining at all.
LOL Carol is sleep talking! Slagging someone off in your sleep is BAD strategy. Weak gameplay! Haha, hilarious.
I still don't get why Louie is getting cheered. Everyone else seemed to get booed.
The crowd are chanting 'get Vicky out'! Why! Oh, no, it's Courtney! Bad buzz! Out of all those odious people! What a joke, seriously. I'd be in shock if I was her. Barbie wants her dress back. CAREFUL DOWN THE STAIRS, COURTNEY. STFU Louie. He was in a hurry to get her out. I don't think Mario hugged her but I could be wrong.
I like Courtney! She was like a ray of sunshine in that place. Fuck, only just noticed what Emma is wearing! Is it Goth night?! Seriously, who is styling her this year? And why do they hate her so much? Probably because she's so annoyingly biased.
Aw, I hope Abz looks after Lauren now.
Courtney's shoes look like trotters. I guess she is happy to be out. Who can blame her?
Doug looks like the clown from IT with those balloons. Creepy!
Courtney is a charming interviewee. So cute of her to say she misses Lauren already and she didn't feel smothered by her at all.
Courtney's face when Mario was mentioned! Ha, finger-gate. She was bored, lol. Good excuse. 'I don't remember it'. Also another good excuse.
Why does Emma keep going on about Courtney moaning about wanting to leave? EVERYONE moaned about wanting to leave! Emma couldn't even be bothered to say she was a great housemate. Just 'thanks for your body.' That's not all you are, Courtney. You're not just hair and tits, despite what Mario (and Emma) thinks.
LOVING Louie being out! A great shock. I wish it had been Carol or Mario but it's still a slap in the face for Carol, and definitely a slap in the face for Louie's ego, which let's face it, needs keeping in check.
Hold on, Louie isn't being careful on the stairs! Heed your own advice! Look at the way he turns it on! It's ALL AN ACT! How can you ever take 'camp, spinning Louie' seriously again? We KNOW what he's like now! AND he was getting the biggest cheer in the house. Ha.
Even in Louie's interview Emma is moaning about Courtney wanting to go! What about Louie being a prize prick?! At least Louie admitted he found it hard in there. That was one piece of honesty at least.
That was quite good the way they did two evictions in an hour. Felt kind! It's going to be an even longer slog in the last two days without Courtney. Abz or Lauren FTW. Will be so disappointed if that spoilt gimp Charlotte takes it.
As Morrissey once sang, 'To be finished, would be a relief.'

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: Surrounded by ungrateful wankers

Do you think Lauren saw her mum? Well, let's just say they weren't exactly transparent about Rylan's Wembley rehearsals, were they, so nothing would surprise me. Lauren didn't seem to be saying she HADN'T seen her mum last night. This morning however, she's singing a different tune.
Seems like Charlotte is jealous of everyone in that house. No journey? Get to fuck! I'm glad Lauren was quite stern with her.
Why is Big Brother telling Lauren her mum turned up on eviction night, anyway? They shouldn't be telling them ANYTHING! Oh, why do I bother?
Carol and Mario slagging off Vicky. Ugh. I thought she was out of order too, but I'd rather eat my own eyeballs than side with this shower of cunts.
Carol calling Vicky, 'Just nasty'. Yeah, cos that crown belongs to you, Squidward. And you're not sharing it with anyone!
Abz cushion towers and Lauren's pig collecting tales are infinitely more interesting than anything anyone else will ever say in that house, which says it all.
Rylan's in da house! Dear Lord, Danielle and Sophie back in the house, too. Just what we didn't want. What a pair of arseholes.
Flirting is NOT cheating! Courtney's leg is going. I'm glad Louis defended her. Courtney looks mad!
Charlotte has got the right arsehole today. I think it's the 'do you need a talent to be a celebrity' question getting on her nerves. Aw, she's blubbing. I'm glad the house is making her doubt her pathetic facade.
Mario: 'Making people warm to you is the hardest talent you'll ever have.' Yeah. Especially when you're a reptile.
Why is Sophie kissing Carol's arse?
I'm glad Lauren defended Carol over the boyish figure thing. There was no need for Danielle to bring that up again. I'm so glad she left when she did, what a horrid person. How long has Danielle been working on the pirouetting piranha line? Absolutely tragic. What a pathetic display all round from Sophie, Carol, Danielle AND Louie. I've never seen Rylan so subdued. Even his teeth seemed dimmer.
Lauren and Courtney are on their own planet. I love their little world. I hate the way Carol talks to Courtney like she's a child. Even if she did put a stock cube in the kettle.
Oh, Louie wants to win now! Have they told them all to stop carping about wanting to go home? About time. Oh, they ALL want to win now!
It's funny Carol mentions 'atmosphere hoovers' because that's exactly what she is. I never get it when I see her and Louie slagging each other off because I always think they're best of friends. I can't work it out.
I hope all this bullshit doesn't save Janice tomorrow cos I want her to go. But in fact I don't mind who goes except Courtney. And it's a double so we can get two idiots out.
Wow, Carol and Charlotte are SO bitter about Lauren storming to the final. I feel like the editing is a bit skewy because I can't really work out who hates who. But I know one thing. I hate everyone.

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: Vicky's a stupid gremlin

Squidward: displeased with Spongebob's incessant giggling

Sorry I didn't blog at the weekend, it was a shame really as Vanessa Feltz's takedown of Team Cuntrag was quite delightful. We did do a rather high pitched podcast about the week's events, though, if you're interested. Anyway, on with tonight's show. Looks like it's going to be another shit stirring galore episode.
Mario's face is looking more bloated and puffy by the day. I know NOTHING about this guy from TOWIE, and his 'reputation' and I still know this guy is an enormous prick from a mile away.
Abz is getting involved larking about with Louie. Upping his game! Watch out BB finale.
LOL to Big Brother taping together all he people who hate each other. I couldn't do that all day.
Abz can even Kung Fu kick spatulas into the sink today. Is there nothing this man can't do? Surely they can't really be going loo together? That's an infringement of your privacy. Your arms would hurt like hell, too.
Mario and Courtney stroking each other's hands was VERY dodgy, much more suspect than the dancing, in my opinion. It had shades of Chantelle and Preston about it. It made me feel bad. Fuck him, because he's not interested in her, it's just in his nature to try and fuck anything that moves. I don't know what she's playing at. I think she's just young and gone a bit nuts but she needs to fix up and work out what she really wants because it's fucked up to do that on TV.
Ooh, so they're nominating in pairs. Interesting as they'd normally nominate each other. Louie and Vicky are up first. They nominated Courtney for being 'not that bothered about seeing her husband'. Well... Ha, they're nominating Carol, too. Hilarious.
I can't believe Carol nominated Louie, too. I thought they were BFFs! A severed alliance. Carol agreed to Lauren nominating Mario! She nominated her entire alliance! LOL.
OMG Courtney and Mario lying on the bed and she's got her fingers in her mouth. Lawks. I would be freaking out if I was her husband.
Abz is nominating Courtney! Boo, what about their moth moments? These noms are mental. Wow, can't believe Charlotte agreed to nominating Carol! These alliances are paper thin. The clique has clicked off.
I can't believe Mario wants to nominate Carol for 'bitching whilst she's drunk'. He's sat there bitching with her! He's the biggest hypocrite in that house. He blames others for things HE DOES HIMSELF constantly. What a ginormous tool.
Carol, Courtney, Mario, Vicky and Louie are up! Cool, Lauren and Abz are safe. I'll vote to save Courtney.
They made the right choices about which letters to shred, except Lauren's. Shred, shred, shred. Carol's alliance is in bits! Louie, Carol, Mario and Charlotte seem to hate each other today. I couldn't be happier.
Janice got a shout out from the local dignitaries, the Mayor, and even Edith, lol. Edith FTW. Blub blub blub. Next.
The housemates think Lauren saw her family in the house! Or did she see Dr Ottoman? Probably her mother.
I don't like the way Janice is speaking to people; she's being a patronising old bag. She is kind of right what she's saying to Louie, though, he doesn't seem bothered about anything. I'm glad Louie is actually saying he wanted to hear from his husband. DID Lauren see her family? She didn't react at all when Charlotte said Lauren had seen her mum.
I HATE IT when people say 'let me finish'. That was one of my old boss's favourite psychotic expression. 'LET ME FINISH'. 'I'M NOT BEING FUNNY'. FUCK OFF.
Janice is being a cow to Charlotte. I like the way Charlotte is unfiltered sometimes! 'Stupid fucking cow' - ha. At least she doesn't stand on ceremony.
Janice: 'I'm 45 years old.' This is a more pathetic statement than telling someone to suck a pig off. I'd rather be in there with Charlotte than Janice, because at least Charlotte doesn't kowtow like Janice does. No one deserves respect for being a certain age. Should I respect Robert Mugabe because of his advanced years? Piss off.
Charlotte is not TRYING to be an example for girls who want to be a doctor or a lawyer. She's not trying to be a role model. She's an average girl who got a lucky break and is making the most of it. There's no need to call her a 'fat slag'. I don't like her myself, but who does Janice think she fucking is? She was fat herself for years, so it's totally hypocritical of her to call anyone else fat. What 'university course' has Vicky been on? Is that what we measure people in, fucking GCSEs and degrees? How about if a person is considerate, kind, lovable, likable, loyal, brave? Can we measure people like this instead?
And the million dollar question: what IS the expression Charlotte's boyfriend makes when he ejaculates inside her?

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: The relationships will stand the test of time

Just watched Breaking Bad! Now gotta watch this crap. Groo. It's a double eviction and I'm not even bothering to watch it live, which says it all. I have a feeling the Americans are gonna get nuked tonight, which is a shame as they're two of the only ones I like.
'At the top of these Very stairs!' That was a good plug, Emma.
I can't believe we're having a discussion about whether or not farting is disgusting. Of course farting is disgusting. It's only acceptable in front of your partner.
I actually saw Bruce being quite pleasant on live feed last night. But let's not get over-excited. I wouldn't mind Janice going tonight. Janice or Louie or Bruce.
How cowardly of Carol to quite Loose Women in her column and not even tell her colleagues. It's embarrassing when people sidle off like that at my work, let alone on TV.
How come Louie is getting the secret task? They're obviously trying to save him. Annoying.
Courtney coming onto Bruce for a fag, lol.
Louie doesn't have to act very hard to have a meltdown. It's just him being his normal self. Sushi rage! I'd be mad if he threw crisps around. Step back from the crisps!
Abz's girlfriend is cute. I don't know who these other people are. TV gold declared. Whenever TV gold is declared, you can guarantee it's TV lead. Dustin's wife: 'call from a mobile phone!' What about a cell phone?
LOL to Janice tidying up. What a sucker. Abz is tidying up, too. Tee hee.
The others are horrified that Louie acted so well. But he looked like he was really crying to me.
Courtney grinding on Mario, oh Lord. Her hair extensions are worse than Gina's. OMG you hypocrite, Mario! 'If that was my wife in here I'd be going mad.' Don't dance with her like that, then, you creep! That's the biggest double standard I've ever seen.
Courtney: 'Weetos!' It's like her and Lauren are in the nursing home.
Mario, you're the person who's cheated on a billion girlfriends, aren't you? She's DANCING, not cheating! That type of dancing is gross, but that's how some girls and boys dance these days (so I've heard).
Why is Louie getting such a big cheer?! This is BS.
I'm not shocked Dustin went on a vote to save. He doesn't deserve to go, but he's the least well known, and he's not doing very much. It's a shame really, as I don't mind watching him. Vote to save is good to get rid of floaters, but the least famous/ well known are also vulnerable.
It's weird when people get cheered when they come out, but are booted early. Dustin must be pleased to go.
Dustin is trying to say what's aired and isn't! How would he know if he hasn't seen the show? I saw him on live feed saying he'd seen the show.
I didn't mind hearing what he said in the interview. He seems like an intelligent person. It's going on a bit, though. How come he gets such a long interview?
2nd eviction. Get Courtney out?! What is this, the anti-American edition? I'm glad Courtney was saved.
OMG Bruce is out! I thought it would be Janice to leave over him. Not sorry to see the back of Bruce, tbh.
LOL they're playing Oasis. Isn't that insensitive to Nicole Appleton? *topical*
I think Bruce could have had a 'journey' but he'd have had to pay Dexter first. I think he was lucky to have Janice in there looking after him. She's probably pleased to have the freedom of him going.
Bruce: 'We didn't have any conflict.' I think they did.
I think Bruce did turn a corner after being angry, but it's not exactly redemption.
Well, that was a great episode if you like hearing boring people moaning about food. Enjoy your evening!

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: I'm over it

Why weren't face to face nominations live? Something vaguely interesting happens and they can't be bothered to show it. Figures.
Abz is only a year older than me, I learnt from Heat magazine in the bath earlier *glimpse into my world*. He comes across like he's been through a world war, not a boyband going bust.
Charlotte, please spare me the image of Carol 'sucking her boyfriend's willy'. Some things should not be pictured.
Dustin looks like a man on the edge. When Bruce is comforting you, you're screwed. Poor Screech, he looks tired out. I don't blame him for being over it. I'm over it, too. Dustin's now the same way Abz was when he entered the house. Like a haunted mansion.
Charlotte's psychic act is mildly amusing, but I'm not interested. It's so scripted, especially given the fact they keep mentioning Carol. Do they think we were born yesterday?
Why are they starving the housemates, anyway? I don't really get it. Has the food budget been cut? Waitrose too dear? Shouldn't have fucked things up with Lidl by having Jedward wreck the joint, ha.
This challenge is sponsored by Maximuscle! How can they do a task when they're all starved? Boo woo. I don't care about tasks. But I do advocate more celebrities being put in paperbags. Eyeholes in a paper bag, greatest lay I've ever had, as Brian Molko once said.
Dustin is doing a John McCruick, but instead of silence, he's on hunger strike, and there's no Diet Coke at the end of his rainbow.
I don't really see how Carol putting up Courtney is a 'special power'. Courtney would be up anyway, plus she only got one nomination.
Lauren's boobs are hanging out now! Has she been taking lessons from Courtney?! Bruce wants to stay? WTF. I'd hate to see him if he wants to leave.
I kind of like the way Sophie was with Lauren in the end, there was sort of a bit of humanity between them.
I actually saw Sophie being nice to Dustin, too. She actually listened to him, unlike most people in there, so STFU Carol.
Where's the dick on Carol's face gone? I'm surprised they could afford to pay for a new picture. How come Dustin goes 'I'm so glad you're here, I missed you' to Carol? Gameplanning! This is a blog full of questions.
Carol doesn't look 'lovely', she's just combed her hair. Actually, I don't mind what she's wearing.
I hate Carol's stupid scripted nomination to Courtney. What a load of tosh.
Face to face noms. If I only I cared if one person in that house lived or died. What has Dustin been analysing? All I heard was him moaning about food.
Is Carol immune? Why is no one nominating her?
Why is Bruce nominating Dustin if 'he's a great friend'? Dustin is an easy out face to face.
What sort of reason is it to nominate Lauren that she keeps falling over?
Dustin, Louie isn't 'kind of an arsehole.' He's a MASSIVE arsehole.
Up are Courtney, Abz, Bruce, Dustin, Lauren, Louie and Vicky. I think Dustin could be vulnerable. I don't exactly think there's a hardcore of Screech fans who are going to save him. Do you?
Ah, I get it. Dustin was acting up to get nominated. Fair enough. Every other idiot has done it.
Lauren: 'I can wear flat shoes and I don't have to leave tissues everywhere.' Why don't you try it, then?
Abz is right; Courtney does get a lot of stick. She's not that bad. I hope both of them stay. There's still some Five fans left, right?
Carol shit-stirring about Courtney's husband. Blah. No one wants to see you 'all over' your bloke. Gross.
Oh, so now Dustin's saying he DID lose his cool today. Make your mind up. I thought Bruce was quite good with him, really. I change my mind on everyone in this house every five minutes.
That felt real when Abz and Vicky said they wanted Lauren to win.
It seems like Courtney is being stifled by her husband and she's had a taste of freedom now. That man shouldn't have married her at 16, it's ridiculous. She needs to develop as a human. Still, bit late now.

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: All she is is a set of boobs and fake hair

Well, we're both still here (yes, all two of us) so we've obviously got nothing better to do. Shame on us! I'm feeling better though, and you keep ticking my boxes (not a euphemism!) no matter how low I sink, so for that, I'm happy. An eviction, then. With an hour's break in between. Will anyone stick around for the denouement? And can Carol patronisingly explain to us what denouement means?
My boyfriend gave up on yesterday's episode halfway through, and I switched off the live feed immediately as soon as I saw someone (Sophie) moaning to go home. I'm not watching it. If live feed dies, you can rest the blame squarely on Louie Spence's thick head. Done.
I've decided not to vote, even though I want Sophie to stay and Bruce out. If this is the best celebs they can afford, I'm not giving them more money to spend on... what? Fuck 'em! Let the chips fall where they may. I want no part of it.
I don't think even Emma can muster up any enthusiasm for this series anymore. I'd rather go shag one of Busted than deal with this shower of cunts, too.
I cannot BEAR these people in the safe house, or whatever the hell they're calling it today. Courtney is being pathetic, too. She looks alright in the boiler suit.
TOWIE prick: 'All she is is a set of boobs and fake hair.' Well that's two more things than you are, Mario. You're just Carol's little bitch. I actually didn't mind him until two days ago, but his real personality is leaking out all over the place, like an STD.
Ha, pleased to see they're humilating Abz with his Five back catalogue. Is this really want Mr Big wants? He was better off in Sex and the City, sleeping with that horse (I haven't seen that show, so I can't confirm that's what actually happens).
Geordie Shore is right that Courtney is ungrateful about seeing her husband. I can only assume her husband is solely a business arrangement, which is why she doesn't give a shit. Otherwise, wouldn't she still be on a high from it?
Big Brother, recreate Sophie's goth moment, please.
How can you recreate a Corrie moment with Janice and Les and not bring back Janice's horse fleece? I quite liked seeing Janice back in action. She was good in Corrie. Les: not so much.
Bruce does not look happy that the housemates were eating sushi. He probably doesn't like sushi anyway. He probably doesn't know what sushi is. Ha, they're stitching them up as usual. Ooh, showing Mario and Lauren's horrid comments about Courtney was cruel.
Evict Carol! This is all BS anyway. I wish they WOULD evict Carol. I hate it when they pretend to do something cruel but don't. Actually do it!
Carol should be happy to leave, she's always moaning anyway. Poor Screech, Carol has been mean. Mario has been mean, too!
Carol IS vicious. They shouldn't let her wear sunglasses whilst they're nominating her to go. I want to see her face fall (further). She IS hurt, I don't care what she says. Charlotte, don't cry over Carol. She called you a Geordie slag just three nights ago.
So they've pretending to evict Carol and stuck her in a secret room. I'd be glad to have a night on my own if I was Carol.
Oh, Courtney's reasoning makes sense that she thought the others would evict her for boiler suit gate. If that's true.
Louie moaning about people being 'venomous'. Ha.
That was nice of Lauren to say Carol doesn't hate Sophie, because I believe she does.
Courtney, your nipples are hanging out. Lauren is talking crap here; she said loads of shit about Courtney in the secret room! 'Peer pressure' made Lauren say bad things about Courtney. OK then.
I hope when Carol goes back in, she apologises to Charlotte for calling her a slag, as it was disgusting what she said and it's clear Charlotte cares for her. Carol doesn't care about ANYTHING.
Why isn't anyone getting booed?! Have they turned the crowd down?
OMG Lauren got the most votes! What the fuck. I've had enough of her. Even my curiosity about her wardrobe is pretty much through. My boyfriend put a fiver on Lauren to win, you know. Could the prophecy come true?
Oh God, I gotta wait an hour now? Well, I'm going to eat a bin bag full of crisps (ie. a bag of Sensations lemon chicken). I'm not gonna post this in between. That would just be sick, plus no one would read the last bit.
And we're back. I ate my crisps and several chocolate orange eclairs, aka, filling destroyers. I notice the second part is just labelled 'eviction interview' in the planner; that's useful for people searching for Big Brother. Well done.
Let's get on with this so I can go to bed. And if they think I'm staying up for BOTS, they've got another think coming. I've lost the will to live. 11pm is too late on a school night, and I generally stay up late.
Why is Sophie looking so prim? Looks like she's going to a society wedding.
Ahhh Sophie was evicted. She's one of the old people I actually like in that house. And I can't stand her most of the time, ha.
I see from Twitter that AJ spoilt the result. This is why I don't look on Twitter when a show is on I care about. I squint at my @ replies and that's about it. Social media = entertainment ruined.
Sophie doesn't care about being booed and she's happy to win. She was there for 'the experience'? Pull the other one.
Sophie doesn't agree she's bossy. She IS bossy and a know it all. Why is Emma being so hard on Sophie? So what, she's a know it all. I hope Emma is going to be equally hard on Carol, Louie and Bruce, etc. Yeah, as if. Emma can be a right pissy little bitch sometimes, yet she's universally seen as 'sweet'. Well, I think she's sour.
Oh, God, Carol going back in. I'd rather see Carol in the electric chair. Courtney doesn't look too happy. Oh, seriously, are they going to give Carol powers now? Great, that's all we need.
I'm glad Sophie doesn't have to put up with this. Why do I?! So what if Carol gets to nominate one housemate? Courtney would have been up anyway.
I would rather look in the mirror than look at Carol. I'd rather be Les and look in the mirror naked than look at Carol. I am definitely not touching the live feed with a barge pole with her smug face all over it.
You're right, the live feed is boring, Carol. But not as boring as you gloating, you hamster-faced, dried out shrew. As she's made personal attacks on every single person in that house, I'm sure she won't mind me insulting her appearance.
Well, what a load of balls. Can I go bed now?
PS: If you're a fan of our BBUS podcast, sorry there's not been one for a bit. We haven't even covered Aaryn drinking nail polish (a personal highlight - if only it had been a litre bottle). We'll be catching up at the weekend, anyway. Goodnight!

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: Are the prisoners them or us?

I'm having a bit of a funny week at the moment so do bear with me. Mind you, if you're still bearing with this show, you'll bear with anything, so I've got the right audience here.
LOL to Lauren accusing Abz of nominating her when he didn't! Passive aggressive, much? Has she got him confused with Mario? Abz laughing as she walked away. Why DIDN'T he nominate her, more to the point?! Ha, she also accused Louie. God, I'm glad I'm not inside her head.
How come Lauren gets to go into a secret task room again? She was already in the cult! Well, we thought Chris Fountain was going in, and it looks like The Phantom is in there as 'Mr Big' (isn't that some dude from Sex and the City)?
The housemates giving up their food... yawn. Who cares if Screech hid peanut butter? I'd gladly give up Alpen. Ugh, Alpen. Why is Mario moaning about him? Competition? Why are Carol and Mario getting so upset about the peanut butter with the way they go on all the time? It's peanut butter, it's not champagne.
Lauren's mum is more diplomatic than Carol? That wouldn't be hard. Mr Big is my new favourite housemate. I hope he slaughters the lot of them, starting with Bruce, then Carol, then Louis.
Chicken feet for dinner. Sophie's been in the jungle, she must have eaten a testicle or two there! I can't watch people eating normal food, let alone this crap. This episode has BLOWN so far.
Ha, Courtney has to give up her bunny and her clothes to see her husband. Sounds fair enough. I think they've done this to make Courtney shut up about wanting to go home. Bet she still doesn't shut up. Courtney doesn't look that bad in her boiler suit. They make them wear a humilitard on BBUS. She is shallow. Aw, that was kind of sweet when she saw her husband, even though I thought she was a bit frosty towards him. He seemed pleased to see her at least.
I don't remember Saved by the Bell. Am I missing much?
I think I want Abz to win now?! WTF. I did like Mario but he's been quite snippy tonight. Courtney is too shrill. Lauren is too Misery. I don't like floaters but I hate everyone so much, it's really hard to champion the 'characters'. This is the closest I've ever come to just giving up watching.
Janice is right - watching live feed is a torture. Is Carol really spinning the 'there's starving people in the world' line? Dear me. This is one of the worst episodes of CBB I've ever seen, and that's saying something. I'd like to headbutt that 'broken glass' right now.
Courtney to Abz: 'What part of me made you feel like I was superficial?' Where shall we start? She's being really annoying tonight, which is a shame, as I rather liked her before. But she does think the sum of her parts is a pair of boobs. It's sad.
Why on earth isn't Lauren flushing the toilet after her? Gross. This is the most depressing series of CBB ever. It's like watching Banged up Abroad. Except I enjoy Banged Up Abroad.
I'm this close to throwing in the towel.

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: Les Miserables

Sorry I haven't blogged for a couple of days, I've not been well and I'm still feeling rough so it's probably going to be a bitchy one. But thought I'd better pull my finger out as this will all be over soon (oh well). I've watched a bit of live feed on Daily Motion and all I see is every single celebrity moaning that they want to go home. First thing I'd do if I was the producer would be to ban people from saying that. It's so boring to listen to. A formal warning for every time you ask to leave, three strikes and you're out with no fee paid. Sophie's moaning on the LF recently was particularly annoying. You're earning thousands to be in there. At least Mario, Charlotte and Lauren want to be there.
I liked the party they had last night, there were some quite good props and Courtney cage dancing and drinking out of her shoe were memorable Big Brother moments. Although she's another culprit for moaning about going home, at least she does have some fun. I think she must win an award for the most scantily clad housemate ever.
Good on Charlotte for confronting the grumpy monster that is Les. 'Foul mouthed little cow' - well, she might be, but at least she's not moaning about wanting to leave all the time. Shut up, Janice, defending his behaviour. Who cares how old he his, he's a horrible, angry man and doesn't deserve respect. They're ALL adults, they all deserve equal respect. Well, mostly.
Mario is one of the only people making me laugh in there at the moment; going 'your boyfriend wants to go clubbing without you' to Carol was a great line.
LOL to Charlotte screaming in the DR and everyone can hear it. Janice basically has to tell Les to check himself. God knows what he'd be like if she wasn't in there - no doubt the red mist would be descending.
Nominations! They're frequent aren't they. Charlotte put up Bruce and Abz cos neither of them can stand her, ha.
Carol nommed Sophie and Bruce. I don't believe Carol is scared of Bruce. I don't think she's scared of anyone.
Why is Abz nominating Courtney for always having her arse out? You would have thought that was a bonus. Courtney's arse is less offensive than Carol's face. He also nominated Sophie for being me, me, me. Can't really argue with that.
Bruce nominated Lauren for being messy! I thought she's been cleaning up?! She's not gonna be happy.
Sophie nommed Courtney and Bruce for 'shouting at a woman.' Is shouting at a man OK?
Lauren nominated Louie and Mario! She fancies him and he won't talk to her. Aw.
Janice: 'There's no one I dislike in here.' REALLY? I have never hated a bunch of housemates for. When two you can just about bear are from TOWIE and Geordie Shore, you're in big trouble. I don't mind Screech but he was mithering bad on the LF about wanting to go home. You're getting paid! It's three weeks. Deal with it.
Dustin nominated Louie and Lauren. I'm surprised he didn't do Courtney and Carol for being so drunk and noisy.
Courtney nominated Carol for farting and not using air freshner! And Charlotte for farting, too! It's 'not classy.' Nor's walking round in a thong. Still, I'd rather deal with her arse cheeks than Carol's.
Courtney got married in that bikini?! LOL.
Bruce is bitterly letting Courtney sit next to him 'until Vicky comes back.'
Mario nommed Bruce - no surprise there, you can tell he's come from an abusive family, he's got that look in his eye and Lauren for spilling her drink!
Janice nommed Courtney for having her arse hanging out and Charlotte for standing up to Bruce.
Louie nominated Bruce for being angry and Sophie for having botox and lying about it, ha.
So, Bruce, Sophie, Courtney, Lauren and Louie are up. I really hope Bruce goes, but I bet it will be Sophie.
They showed the nominations, haha. I hate them all going 'yes' when they're up. It's so fake! Bruce's rigid grin when they showed the noms says it all. I don't think him or Lauren are going to take this lying down.
How can Sophie not KNOW she's bossy?! She's SO bossy.
God, they give them SO much booze in that house. They're proper lushes.
Lauren is 'doing a Mikey' in the bedroom, crying over her family photos. Stop actressing, Lauren! You''re not Miss Haversham, despite the wardrobe.
Sophie doesn't mind people who are hypocrites, even though she is one. Why are the housemates weighing themselves and measuring themselves? It's not the Biggest Loser.
Why isn't Carol up for eviction?! She's so vile! I just don't get it. I really hope her boyfriend leaves her. She's absolutely disgusting in every way.
Louie and Sophie are both as odious as each other. There's no one to champion in that house.
I saw this conversation with Vicky and Sophie on the LF and I thought Vicky was quite patient with her. She IS so me, me, me. But I still like Sophie more than Carol, Bruce and Louie.
Mario is quite patient with Sophie, really. She does whine a lot. But I do sympathise about people squealing in the bedroom. It would drive you mad. I'd scream. I can't even watch the live feed because it's just screeching and wailing. The normal housemates this year were so much more civillised, this lot are animals.
The thing with vote to save is it's not as clear cut who will go. If it was vote to evict it would be pretty tight between Sophie and Bruce, but vote to save? It's anyone's! Personally, I want Bruce and his tomato face out. Right, I'm off to bed. Night night!

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: We don't, Ron, Ron, Ron

I hope Ron goes tonight! He's deadwood. I'm surprised Louie is getting cheered, he's horrid. I'm glad Courtney's getting cheered. Are they chanting Charlotte? Must be fans of scat.
I hate celebrities saying they don't want to be there. Are they that hard up for celebrities in there?
Sophie is such a bossy cow. I'd tell her to stick it. Why should they tidy up? They're only in there three weeks. I think Sophie is going to stab Lauren. The way she's talking to her is like a woman on the edge.
The task generator machine is funny. Louis is not amused by Les's life story. The fish slapping was quite funny. The other housemates looked disturbed.
Lauren didn't look too impressed with Courtney's singing. Thought she was her BFF? Why did Mario choose Courtney to dance with?!
Lauren blackmailing Courtney to take her to the party was hilarious. Ha, she choose Screech! Funnies.
Look at Courtney's husband! He looks like a hobo. I can see where Lauren got her hair from. Check out her mum! LOL to her saying she's saving for an operation. Sympathy vote! Ron's grandson has got some bad highlights going on. We're waiting to see 'Ron's true side' and him get thrown out of the house. These friends and family are decrepit.
Bruce has got a fish-slap induced headache. Health and safety! Codswallop. That was actually quite funny for this TOWIE gormster.
Courtney telling Lauren she 'did her a favour' by not inviting her to the party. Hehe. It would be a drain having Lauren wrapped round you all the time, she does a wicked line in emotional blackmail. I'd be keen to have some time away from her. Courtney is so polite.
Carol and Louie are soooo bitter. Louis did some quite good one liners, though. I wish they'd say what annoyed them about each other. But that's now how they operate, is it?
Dustin's pumpkin tattoo! Agog. That was hilarious when they were dancing to Taylor Swift and Lauren walked off. Too cruel. Courtney, your nipples are hanging out.
Louis could not be more at odds with his 'persona' if he tried. What a grumpy bastard.
OMG Courtney, put your boobies away! This is like the American Geordie Shore right here. What a mess. Still, I don't resent her for it.
Lauren is doing a Misery on Courtney. My boyfriend said it's like Anthony and Craig and the wetsuit all over again. What pills is Lauren giving Courtney? WTF is a stomach tablet?
Why did Courtney act like she had taken the pills when she didn't? This is weird and creepy. What could these tablets be? Charlotte is actually being quite caring tonight. She's quite patient with Lauren, really.
What is Sophie going on about 'it's illegal'? She should know about illegal drugs! Look at Carol winding the situation up. How is it illegal!?
Sophie DOES think she knows everything. Ha, 'Carol thinks you do.' Carol is lying and shit stirring! What a bitch. Carol did say it! Haha, 'I wasn't winding her up.' That's the biggest joke I've heard.
Lauren is being quite funny in her own nutty way. I like seeing her get mad.
The two safe are Charlotte and Lauren! I want it to be Courtney safe. Haha, Lauren is popular. Love it.
Why is Les shouting at Lauren?! Cos she's hiding in the toilet? I don't blame her. The fish thing wasn't a big deal but I didn't like him shouting like that.
Oh, STFU, Sophie. Just stop talking. Imagine what she was like on the charlie!
Why is Lauren shaky? I think Lauren is always shaky. She's not all there. Bruce shouldn't shout at her like that. Aw, she doesn't see the outside world. Lucky her.
Louie in comforting mode isn't exactly reassuring! Lauren isn't 'used to people'. Lucky her!
Wouldn't it be funny if Louie went? LOL, they're chanting get Sophie out and she's not even up! She's going to be pissed off.
Fuck you, Ron, being happy to go. Don't bother going in there if you hate it so much! Ha, him falling up the stairs was the best thing he did in the house. Ha, then he tried to go out via the Diary Room! What a doddery old sod. I knew all those doors were confusing. At least we've lost two of the most boring housemates first. Good old vote to save. Note to producers: please ask celebrities if they want to be there before they go in, otherwise what's the point spending the money on them? Like, how much did they pay this old sod? I'm glad that Courtney didn't go over this git.
The only thing funny in Ron's interview was calling Carol a 'loose cannon'.
Emma has not got a very good grasp on this interview. Ron has not got a good grasp on the words 'quick fire'. This is painful. As my boyfriend just said, 'he don't want to be there, we don't want him there.'
Ron, you're less popular than Lauren. Deal with it.

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: There is a pecking order

I HATE ALL THESE PEOPLE. I've never seen such a self-centred, poisonous house. I also hated the way Danielle kept going 'you'll see that on tomorrow's show' about boring stuff she did that won't get shown today. She won't be missed!
Louie is so rude. Danielle is rude too, but she's gone, so who cares? He's earning money by being in Big Brother, you dickhead.
Abz is a waste of space as a housemate. They should have sent any other member of Five in there. The gay one. Billie Piper's ex. The missing one. The cardboard cut out one. The psycho one. Any one but this one.
What's Carol, the fucking food police? I'd tell her to get to fuck if she was telling me what to eat. How does her boyfriend put up with her?
Courtney's body is so weird! She's like an alien. She's like a human cartoon. She must weigh about three stone and two stone of that is her boobs.
Louie: 'She's gone to me already' about Danielle. He's nasty but I have to agree.
How much is Lauren's evil eye ring worth, that's what I want to know! What the hell was the point in that antiques task? No one knows.
Danielle doesn't deserve The Killers to be played over her eviction.
Louie: 'There is a pecking order. I've been on Jonathan Ross twice.' Don't get me wrong, it's funny, but the ego of the man! Is that really why he took against Danielle? Pathetic.
Why did Ron get to make all the big decisions in the DR, or almost, anyway? Lauren's pink fluff is divine. She's like part burlesque, part grandma, part corpse.
Take that pecking order, Louie. Pretend you don't mind. He'll be safe anyway. What's Sophie 'so happy' about?
Ron, that was not a compliment to Lauren and she knows it. Don't play the doddery old bloke card.
Nominations! Louie put Janice up. Is he confident to go up against her? Remember the pecking order, Louie! Ooh, Ron, too. Ron will never go.
Lauren having a go at Ron. She's so strange! She really is. And it's not about her being transgender. She's just very eccentric.
Bruce put up Charlotte - he didn't even know her name! He's right about her being rude, though, that's for sure. He also put Lauren up! Why is he worrying about her? She's a grown woman!
Why is Mario nominating Courtney cos he can't fuck her and Lauren cos he doesn't want to fuck her. 'It's not a care home.' Are you sure?
Why is Charlotte nominating Dustin?! The most inoffensive man ever. And Lauren for being messy! AT LEAST SHE DOESN'T PISS THE FUCKING BED, YOU HYPOCRITE. What a joke.
Sophie has clearly got a grudge against Courtney. Aw, poor Lauren. The messy excuse is a cop out.
Dustin nominated Courtney! Where's the USA solidarity?! Boo. He also put Charlotte up. Good. She won't go though. I hope it's not Lauren vs Charlotte vs Courtney, though.
Lauren's pink nightie is proper granny. Where does she get her clothes? The votes are quite split, aren't they? No votes for Carol yet! You've got to be shitting me.
Ooh, Abz did Carol. Abz, that's not an accent you've got, it's an affectation. Why is everyone nominating Courtney?
Courtney nommed Charlotte for being lairy and Sophie for giving her intimidating looks.
Ron is giving Dustin a football manager roasting. Well, ish.
Carol nommed Lauren. Is everyone really nominating Lauren for being untidy? She also nommed Ron, too. Good. 'Since he was saved by the public for the first time...' Wasn't that about five minutes ago?
Charlotte is upset about the noms. Lauren is like an emotionally blackmailing mum who you've told to stop ringing you one time too many.
How is Sophie not up? She dodged a bullet there. Yeah, Charlotte, this isn't Geordie Shore, and we don't appreciate your scatological behaviour in the BB house.
How is Carol not up? 'She's just a Geordie slag' is such a horrible and unkind thing to say. Carol doesn't see any of her own faults. She's just a poisonous person and an old dog. She makes Denise Welch look jovial and friendly.
Screech: 'There's a storm coming.' Yeah, it's on your t-shirt. Save Lauren and Courtney!

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: A mystery favour... but a boring eviction

So an eviction already. Funny how fast Celeb BB goes. It's such a boring three up, though, I can barely be bothered to care. It's like an old people's home in there at the moment. I like the older housemates, but not OAPs sitting on the smoking bench carping and killing time. It's dull, dull, dull, especially after the razzle dazzle of Dexter and Gina. And this lot are meant to be the celebs.
Loving Emma's lipstick. She's obsessed with monochrome right now, though. She's going to struggle to make this eviction seem interesting. Wish I had a drink. Who would vote to save Danielle? I'd rather vote to save a poke in the eye.
Ugh I forgot about this monster weeing the bed. She's so disgusting she makes me feel physically sick. Why is Courtney sitting on the bed that Charlotte has pissed in? 'Do you want to see?' No, I don't. Why aren't the people in the house more disgusted? This woman is an animal. I don't watch those shows for a reason; they're base and puerile. Do you think they have spare mattresses or they just flip it? Get Very on the phone.
Fucking hell, man, what's Lauren been smoking? Those are some bloodshot eyes. You don't see much interaction between Charlotte and Lauren, do you? They're probably both horrified by each other.
Sophie: 'Abz is very insightful.' Abz is about as insightful as a magic 8 ball.
Another shit stirring task! Well, I never. Sophie didn't look too impressed with the age comment. I'd be too afraid to say anything in there in case it got repeated back. Luckily these people are too drunk half the time to zip up their mouths.
Shopping list woes. Egg gate. I don't like eggs. I've not eaten one in my whole life. I would still punch Carol in the face if she told me to shut up like that, though. Is Danielle trying to act up to stay in the house? It's not exactly Science vs Derek, is it? 'Are yer mad?' etc. What's the point? Your ship has sailed, I'm afraid, Danielle. Right back to Ireland.
Louis: 'What's her name again, the one who's going?' Ha. Danielle has double denim on. It must be an Irish thing.
Courtney is going to give Lauren her email. Not her phone number, note. There's something very tragic about Lauren. Is it a winning tragedy? I don't know. But my boyfriend put a fiver on her.
Oh, is it the eviction already? That wasn't much of a build up of suspense. Well, Danielle was guaranteed to go over actual famous people. What is Janice wearing? She looks like a bolero dancer. This is going to be the most boring interview of all time. Even more boring than Sam's.
She has a kid? I didn't even know that. Why did they even put her in the house when her stupid show hasn't even been aired over here? I'd understand it if they stuck Gary from BB Canada in there or Rachel from BBUS, because they're massive personalities and they're part of Big Brother. This thing is just a drip. She's just a stuck up, boring cow.
Hold on, what's this mystery thing Danielle did for Sophie in Dublin, as if we don't know, sniff sniff? Haha, no wonder Sophie wanted her out! What 'FREEBIE'? Perhaps botox is a code word for charlie in Ireland. Come into my botox clinic, you'll come out with a numb face and an empty wallet.
I really don't like this Danielle and I'm glad she's gone. She's not down to earth, and she seems to have a nasty streak. Where did they dredge these 'best bits' up from? At least she said she wanted Lauren to win. Bye bye. I'll miss your onesie. That's about it.
Oh, a twist. Sigh. Ron is being a bit of a big head. He would have been happy to be voted out!? Stop talking.
Oh God, now they get to nominate. Boo. Why is Louie saying 'you know'? I hope it's him.
Ron wants to put Lauren, the only transsexual housemate, up! Surprise, surprise. I'm glad Janice is arguing with him! She wants to put Louie up! Haha, he must be shocked. Oh no, not the 'vote me out' spiel. I hate it the most. Go if you want to go! No one's forcing you to stay!
Phew, glad Lauren got saved by a whisker there. Aren't we going to see the reaction after? Ah, Ron looks embarrassed. He must know they know. What the fuck is that scrunchie in Sophie's hair? I mean, a scrunchie?! Really?
Get Louie out! I want to see him do an Andrew Stone. No, not punch a woman he's pretending to fuck. Skedaddle.

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: You're a particular market

Sorry I've been awol. I've been out and then I've been ill, plus I hate this show. I just watched some live feed and couldn't decide who to strangle first; Carol, Janice, Les, rubbery Danielle or Louie. When your favourites are Lauren, Courtney, Screech and Abz, you know you're in trouble. Also, take heed that I predicted Ron would say something dumb in my last blog. Mind you, that doesn't exactly make me Alison Dubois.
I honestly can't remember a more unlikable group in the house. Even the people I 'like', I can barely tolerate.
I read somewhere that Danielle said she's 32. I'm 33 and she looks old enough to be my mum. Not a great advert for botox. Carol McGiffin is odious and clearly an alcoholic, so she'll probably win it. She makes Denise Welch look civillised.
I don't think they should have played the cult footage into the house. Just typical boring shitstirring. I'm glad they didn't put Courtney up, though. She would have been an easy target. I like Courtney, she has a sort of cartoon charm.
Janice is a sore loser, a drunk and talks to the camera. Plus she keeps going on about nominations. The makers of Zeo must be furious than Janice is drinking it. At least Louis is calling her out on her behaviour, and she hasn't got a word to say in return. I guess her and Les didn't have to do much acting after all.
Aw to Lauren saying she'd never had a friend. I don't mind Lauren; she looks like a mad auntie, but that's alright. At least she's eccentric. Abz and Lauren should get their own gardening show.
I'm sure Louis would be like 'so what' if he was put up - not. He'd be gutted! Having said that, I've never seen so many sore losers about being up. It's the game. Get on with it. Janice is bitter.
Oh God, not a task where they rank themselves again! Ha, lining up in age order. This should piss a few people off. Is Danielle older than Dustin? She sure looks it. I'd say he's got it spot on.
Ha, now they have to line up in order of hotness. Lauren's deadpan face when Louis said 'you're a particular market' to Lauren. I love the fact Lauren thinks she's a goddess. Ha, Sophie looked SO pissed off that she was lower than Carol. Charlotte the sexiest? God help us! I'd rather have sex with a pig in lipstick, it would probably have better manners, and definitely better conversation. Dustin was quite high, too. Ron is sexier than Janice?! Ouch. Courtney didn't look too impressed either. Danielle was lower than Bruce, lol. Poor Lauren at the bottom.
I don't buy this 'Charlotte's naive' act in the DR, either. It's all an act! Her whole personality is contrived.
Honestly, Danielle thinks she's so entitled to be in there! No one has a clue who she is, and she seems like a total arsehole! Just STFU and be glad you're even in there; you don't deserve to be.
Ugh, I hate these eating tasks! It shows such a lack of imagination. It's not I'm a Celeb! I can't bear it. Are cream crackers really that hard to eat? It's just regular food, isn't it? Dog food is appropriate for that thing from Geordie Shore. I don't get these tasks, they're just not pleasant to watch. Gross.
This cuckoo task is so weird, too. I think the task team have actually gone on holiday.
OMG just when I thought I could hold my dinner down they show Lauren doing Ron's feet. I can't even bear to look at feet, not even my own, which are reasonably bearable. I'm glad when summer's over so I don't have to look at people's wonky toes shoved into sandals. Sickening. I can't STAND people touching my feet. My natural reaction when someone touches my feet is to kick them in the face. I couldn't go out with a foot fetishist, that's for sure.
Is Carol really lecturing Charlotte on drinking? Funny.
Ha, I'm glad Louie is being rude to Danielle because she's being a total psycho. He's very frank, which can be hurtful, but at least you know where you stand. I actually hate Danielle now. What's the point of her? Also, that skull cardie she's wearing looks like it's off the market.
Sophie want to walk out with her 'integrity intact.' Good luck with that.
Why are they giving the celebs so much booze?!
I liked Courtney warning Danielle when she was bitching about Louie and he walked in. Danielle KNOWS she's going because it's vote to save and no one knows who she is.
How drunk is Mario making a run at Sophie? Nice try, kiddo.
Oh God, Charlotte's not going to shit herself, is she? Carol doesn't like it when someone else in the house is drunker than her! She's probably jealous.
Courtney's my favourite! She's almost wholesome in a weird way. Courtney FTW. Everyone else: for the torture chamber.

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: How long have you had your vagina?

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Celebrity Big Brother 2013: What is Newcastle, is it a club?

Well some of my friends seem more enthusiastic about this lot than I do ie. they've heard of some of these people. 

I hope they edit this well, especially the cult bit, as it was a complete car crash last night. Is it right to trivialise the serious matter of cults? Oh, who cares. 

That was convenient that someone mentioned The Green Mile that Courtney's husband was in.

Lauren is so weird. I can't bear her. She must be on some meds. Why is she doing roll eyes at everything everyone is saying? Wouldn't you be excited to be in the BB house at last? 

It's so obvious that Courtney is going to go up! They should have put HER in the safe house. What's the point in paying big bucks (presumably) for yanks, then putting them at risk? I've heard it's vote to save again now, so that should help.

Ooh Janice is tearing a strip off Charlotte. She downed a glass of champagne and then poured herself another one. What an arsehole. Don't fuck with Janice! Is she going to do a Vinnie Jones aka take control the kitchen?

My friend agreed that Carol looked coked up. OMG Louis Spence is being transphobic! And so it begins.

Charlotte is just pure crass. I think being obnoxiously crass is more offensive than pretending to be thick.

Who's the most famous? Courtney: 'the Americans!' 

Wow, Charlotte is SO rude. RUDE. ARROGANT. DISRESPECTFUL and so on.

Janice was smoking in that bed in the live feed! Keeping it proper Corrie style.

Can someone poke Lauren with a stick? I'm not sure she's got a pulse at this point. 

What does 'she's so porn' mean? Courtney: 'Where's the pool?'

I like the way that Charlotte idiot has latched on to Ron. 'Just tell us if I ever annoy you.' OK. How about now?

I love the 'aren't we all getting on great' talk after an hour. Funny, that.

I don't mind Sophie, even though she's an arsehole, at least she says what she thinks. I think Louis needs to watch his mouth or he could get kicked out.

Courtney's voice is SO annoying the way it goes up at the end. I'm trying to work out who's more annoying out of her and Charlotte. I think I'd less like to be stuck in a lift with Charlotte. 

Ron is being a gent about the beds. Courtney is waiting for someone to designate her a bed. Ha, she picked a double. Bad move.

Is Lauren crying? Lucky she's not been paid per word. 

Don't put the bunny in the mangle! He's going to come out like roadkill. Oh, dear.

The dolphins called, they want Courtney back. There's two Screeches in that house.

Oh, the rape suite has been turned into a bathroom, but we remember! We remember.

Louis is cruel laughing at Lauren saying her body is perfect. At least it's good she feels that way, even if no one else does. 

LOL to Charlotte saying she thinks Janice is a stupid cow (behind her back, of course).

I've never heard about this 'international media storm' around Courtney, so I highly doubt if Ron has. He looks like he's falling asleep.

So here's who the housemates are going to put up. Well, one of them. OK, there put up three possibilities (my boyfriend doesn't understand this part). Louis wants to put Ron up! Good move. Sophie put Courtney up as a potential. Why has Lauren got it in for Carol? Has she had a run in with her in the past? She described Carol as miserable and not very forthright! WTF. Lauren and Louis are trying to take out the big fish. 

I like that woman's pug onesie. Well, I like the print, I hate onesies.

Where has Abz's hair gone? Abz doesn't like Mario. DID Mario blank him? It would have been good to have a flashback on that. 

I don't like this 'boys will be boys' talk, it's grim. Cheated 'seven times'? Lovely.

Abz is one of these 'spiritual' idiots, isn't he? What's he been smoking?

Talking of smoking, I'm not sure you should smoke in those robes, they look highly flammable. Why is Sophie being so prudish about Courtney? Charlotte is not 'intriguing'. She's gross.

OMG! Did Carol REALLY just comment on someone's age gap?! What a MASSIVE hypocrite! 'I'm not judging her, but...' Fuck me, Carol is rough. What has it got to do with you, what other people do? Mind your own business!

Mario is eyeing up Carol's legs! Hilarious. I can just imagine Carol's boyfriend throwing his shoes at the TV. Carol seems quite keen on Mario, too. Danielle: 'that's not relevant to us.' I think Carol will make her own mind up. 

Lauren's entrance was amazing! The way she staggered out of that cupboard was ace. Carol quizzing Lauren immediately! Sophie's in. 'Hi, nice to meet you x 10.'

Louis' entrance is understated as ever. Cool, they put Ron up! That's what's best for the show, as far as I'm concerned. A Judas kiss from Louis! LOL to him going 'great tits' to Courtney. 

I just realised I might be spelling Louis wrong. Is it Louie? Oh, fuck. Never mind. This is what happens when you have a Twitter amnesty. You don't know basic spelling.

This story about the public voting doesn't stack up! They wouldn't put Ron up anyway, not with all the football idiots in this country. Plus people don't just arrive and then there's a vote, that's not how it works. Very fishy! 

I want one of those chocolates. Good night.

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: Launch night

There I was moaning about too much Big Brother, then on the two days it wasn't on, I got bored. I miss Dexter, ha. I don't like the celeb version as much as the normal version, but hey ho.
Let's see what A list stars they've got lined up, then.
First up, Louis Spence. I cannot STAND him! His lisp drives me nuts. Bring back Andrew Stone! He's enough to turn a gay man straight. No 'scrote hanging out though', so that's something. Are they going to put in Jim Davidson next? I heard he got off his sex charges.
Ha to Louis going 'Thank God they got rid of the eco shit' and tidying up!
OMG Lauren Harries is next. She gets on my nerves. I used to like her when I was a kid and she was the little antiques dude. She looks so old! How old is she? She needs to sort that lippy out. Who's next, Helen Lederer? Some other person of BOTS we don't like? Fuck me, look at her boobs! She's got Big Brother eye earrings. Illuminati. Lauren 'are you single and ready to mingle'? Let's hope not.
Well, so far I hate these two people. I think my boyfriend just said 'imagine if you fancied Lauren Harries'? I'll get him to clarify this comment later on our podcast.
I feel like Sophie Anderton has already been in there. Oh, she was the jungle. I think she was a cow. 'You may remember me for the Wonderbra advert.' No, most people who've heard of you remember you from being a coke head. I don't think jungle people should be allowed in BB. It's like Corrie and Eastenders. Never the twain shall meet. Ugh, I hate everyone. If I was Sophie and I walked down those stairs and saw that pair I'd walk back up again.
Louis has clearly been watching the show as he knows about the eco stuff and knows where the Diary Room is. Ooh, they've jazzed up the DR chair. It's gone gold. I'm laughing at Louis is despite myself.
Lauren doesn't know what a cult is. It's where you go to drink the Kool Aid. Give her an extra large cup.
Louis is obsessed with cushions! Louis knows about the illuminati. OMG they're putting robes on. Are they going to drink some babies blood?
Louis 'doesn't drink normally.' I'm officially watching how much he drinks from now on.
OMG Les and Janice! Where's the horse fleece?! Are they one housemate?! Don't let Les drink, he's an alkie! I saw him on Jeremy Kyle recently. Where's Rosie Webster? Where's Chris Fountain? Put your money down now on Les getting kicked out. Oh, they are individual housemates! Janice FTW. I can't stand him but I like her.
Janice is impressed with the Aga. They don't have those in Corrie.
Next in is Courtney Stodden. I don't even know who her husband is, let alone her. She's missed her lips with the lipstick. I like the American housemates, though. She's going to be confused by Les and Janice. She looks emaciated. She looks like she's going to topple over with those boobs. Why is she getting booed? She seems to be having a problem with her boobs. I think they're trying to escape. OMG you can see her knick knocks! Wow. Keep it classy.
LOL to Janice telling her she had lipstick on her teeth! What a trouper. I heart Janice. My boyfriend is moaning about the people. But the people are always shit. What is he expecting?
ABZ! Of 5ive fame. He said he a sugar mommy on the Big Reunion. Why does he talk like a 12 year old boy? He doesn't like people talking shit? Curious. He's got an eye on his t-shirt too! Not liking his facial hair. Ha to him saying he needs the money and lives with his Auntie. He does not, he lives on a farm! 'I'm from a pop band.'
Aw, it made Courtney feel bad being booed. Why are we making guests in our country feel bad? Courtney's hair is like candyfloss.
Why aren't the cult leaders saying anything? Or I can't hear them saying anything. Lauren doesn't appear to be saying a word.
Who the fuck is Danielle Marr? Johnny's bad enough. Dexter is more famous than her. What the hell is Dublin Wives? I hope they evict her. She seems like an arsehole and she looks like Claire from Steps' mum. She looks like she's got a bridesmaid dress on. But the bride hates her.
Next up is Screech from Saved by the Bell ie. Dustin Diamond. Wasn't he in a porno? I am too young for Saved by the Bell. He looks very different to when he was younger. He's going to struggle to understand what Abz is saying. I sure do.
I like Janice's hair colour. She does look skinny!
The cult lot are not even watching this show, they're talking about bloody eye masks!
I don't watch Geordie Shore so I don't know who Charlotte Crosby is. I liked her 'orifices' speech! She seems like a good laugh, haha. Peeing, shitting, pubes. She's like the opposite of Mary Berry. I think she's got bladder incontinence. She could be the new face of Tena Lady. 'She doesn't ever wear a bra'. She needs to. They'll be round her ankles!
Janice is being rude about Charlotte already! They've given them warm booze? How rude. Stick it in the freezer. Like Jay McKray's poo.
Oh no, it's someone from TOWIE. Just what we need - another Kirk Norcross. At least I know who Arg is. I don't know who this guy is. He looks like he's dressed as a bridegroom. He'll get on well with that bridesmaid. He's not doing very well with the questioning. 'I'm a mummy's boy.' OK then.
Lauren Harries is good, isn't she! She could be the new Spiedi at this rate.
Oh Lord, when Carol McGiffin is one of the most famous people in the house, you're really screwed. At least she's better that Denise Welch. Mind you, that's not hard. Carol is modelling a dress from the hunchback collection. LOL she's drunk! She's acting the goat. I think she's on coke. She rubbed her nose as well!
Everyone is calling Dustin 'Justin'.
I can't hear a word the people in the 'safe house' or whatever it is are saying.
Finally it's Ron Atkinson. Does he really need the money? I can't stand football so I'm not interested. I could see him and Bruce teaming up and being a pair of old misery guts. Didn't he get pulled up for saying something racist and/or sexist? Or am I confusing him with some other fusty old football dude?
No one is even saying hi to people when they walk in! How rude.
This is a bunch of bullshit.
Ron Atkinson and Mario look like they're going to be firm friends. Kill me now.
Oh here's the 'twist'. Who's the most famous housemates? What scale are we using? I'd say Ron and Les or Janice. Then Carol.
Oh they've gone for Les and Janice. Geordie Shore isn't happy. They've got to sleep in the garden. Is that the best they've got? Janice and Les should be used to sleeping together.
Oh, dear. I am not liking this lot AT ALL. Who is there to root for? I have a bad feeling about this series. I don't feel excited! Shame as the cast for the 'civilian' series was so good, except the winner, obviously. Not that I'm still bitter! Listen to our podcast in an hour or so for a wrap up the real Big Brother and some bile about this bunch of dickheads.