Celebrity Big Brother 2013: There is a pecking order

I HATE ALL THESE PEOPLE. I've never seen such a self-centred, poisonous house. I also hated the way Danielle kept going 'you'll see that on tomorrow's show' about boring stuff she did that won't get shown today. She won't be missed!
Louie is so rude. Danielle is rude too, but she's gone, so who cares? He's earning money by being in Big Brother, you dickhead.
Abz is a waste of space as a housemate. They should have sent any other member of Five in there. The gay one. Billie Piper's ex. The missing one. The cardboard cut out one. The psycho one. Any one but this one.
What's Carol, the fucking food police? I'd tell her to get to fuck if she was telling me what to eat. How does her boyfriend put up with her?
Courtney's body is so weird! She's like an alien. She's like a human cartoon. She must weigh about three stone and two stone of that is her boobs.
Louie: 'She's gone to me already' about Danielle. He's nasty but I have to agree.
How much is Lauren's evil eye ring worth, that's what I want to know! What the hell was the point in that antiques task? No one knows.
Danielle doesn't deserve The Killers to be played over her eviction.
Louie: 'There is a pecking order. I've been on Jonathan Ross twice.' Don't get me wrong, it's funny, but the ego of the man! Is that really why he took against Danielle? Pathetic.
Why did Ron get to make all the big decisions in the DR, or almost, anyway? Lauren's pink fluff is divine. She's like part burlesque, part grandma, part corpse.
Take that pecking order, Louie. Pretend you don't mind. He'll be safe anyway. What's Sophie 'so happy' about?
Ron, that was not a compliment to Lauren and she knows it. Don't play the doddery old bloke card.
Nominations! Louie put Janice up. Is he confident to go up against her? Remember the pecking order, Louie! Ooh, Ron, too. Ron will never go.
Lauren having a go at Ron. She's so strange! She really is. And it's not about her being transgender. She's just very eccentric.
Bruce put up Charlotte - he didn't even know her name! He's right about her being rude, though, that's for sure. He also put Lauren up! Why is he worrying about her? She's a grown woman!
Why is Mario nominating Courtney cos he can't fuck her and Lauren cos he doesn't want to fuck her. 'It's not a care home.' Are you sure?
Why is Charlotte nominating Dustin?! The most inoffensive man ever. And Lauren for being messy! AT LEAST SHE DOESN'T PISS THE FUCKING BED, YOU HYPOCRITE. What a joke.
Sophie has clearly got a grudge against Courtney. Aw, poor Lauren. The messy excuse is a cop out.
Dustin nominated Courtney! Where's the USA solidarity?! Boo. He also put Charlotte up. Good. She won't go though. I hope it's not Lauren vs Charlotte vs Courtney, though.
Lauren's pink nightie is proper granny. Where does she get her clothes? The votes are quite split, aren't they? No votes for Carol yet! You've got to be shitting me.
Ooh, Abz did Carol. Abz, that's not an accent you've got, it's an affectation. Why is everyone nominating Courtney?
Courtney nommed Charlotte for being lairy and Sophie for giving her intimidating looks.
Ron is giving Dustin a football manager roasting. Well, ish.
Carol nommed Lauren. Is everyone really nominating Lauren for being untidy? She also nommed Ron, too. Good. 'Since he was saved by the public for the first time...' Wasn't that about five minutes ago?
Charlotte is upset about the noms. Lauren is like an emotionally blackmailing mum who you've told to stop ringing you one time too many.
How is Sophie not up? She dodged a bullet there. Yeah, Charlotte, this isn't Geordie Shore, and we don't appreciate your scatological behaviour in the BB house.
How is Carol not up? 'She's just a Geordie slag' is such a horrible and unkind thing to say. Carol doesn't see any of her own faults. She's just a poisonous person and an old dog. She makes Denise Welch look jovial and friendly.
Screech: 'There's a storm coming.' Yeah, it's on your t-shirt. Save Lauren and Courtney!

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: A mystery favour... but a boring eviction

So an eviction already. Funny how fast Celeb BB goes. It's such a boring three up, though, I can barely be bothered to care. It's like an old people's home in there at the moment. I like the older housemates, but not OAPs sitting on the smoking bench carping and killing time. It's dull, dull, dull, especially after the razzle dazzle of Dexter and Gina. And this lot are meant to be the celebs.
Loving Emma's lipstick. She's obsessed with monochrome right now, though. She's going to struggle to make this eviction seem interesting. Wish I had a drink. Who would vote to save Danielle? I'd rather vote to save a poke in the eye.
Ugh I forgot about this monster weeing the bed. She's so disgusting she makes me feel physically sick. Why is Courtney sitting on the bed that Charlotte has pissed in? 'Do you want to see?' No, I don't. Why aren't the people in the house more disgusted? This woman is an animal. I don't watch those shows for a reason; they're base and puerile. Do you think they have spare mattresses or they just flip it? Get Very on the phone.
Fucking hell, man, what's Lauren been smoking? Those are some bloodshot eyes. You don't see much interaction between Charlotte and Lauren, do you? They're probably both horrified by each other.
Sophie: 'Abz is very insightful.' Abz is about as insightful as a magic 8 ball.
Another shit stirring task! Well, I never. Sophie didn't look too impressed with the age comment. I'd be too afraid to say anything in there in case it got repeated back. Luckily these people are too drunk half the time to zip up their mouths.
Shopping list woes. Egg gate. I don't like eggs. I've not eaten one in my whole life. I would still punch Carol in the face if she told me to shut up like that, though. Is Danielle trying to act up to stay in the house? It's not exactly Science vs Derek, is it? 'Are yer mad?' etc. What's the point? Your ship has sailed, I'm afraid, Danielle. Right back to Ireland.
Louis: 'What's her name again, the one who's going?' Ha. Danielle has double denim on. It must be an Irish thing.
Courtney is going to give Lauren her email. Not her phone number, note. There's something very tragic about Lauren. Is it a winning tragedy? I don't know. But my boyfriend put a fiver on her.
Oh, is it the eviction already? That wasn't much of a build up of suspense. Well, Danielle was guaranteed to go over actual famous people. What is Janice wearing? She looks like a bolero dancer. This is going to be the most boring interview of all time. Even more boring than Sam's.
She has a kid? I didn't even know that. Why did they even put her in the house when her stupid show hasn't even been aired over here? I'd understand it if they stuck Gary from BB Canada in there or Rachel from BBUS, because they're massive personalities and they're part of Big Brother. This thing is just a drip. She's just a stuck up, boring cow.
Hold on, what's this mystery thing Danielle did for Sophie in Dublin, as if we don't know, sniff sniff? Haha, no wonder Sophie wanted her out! What 'FREEBIE'? Perhaps botox is a code word for charlie in Ireland. Come into my botox clinic, you'll come out with a numb face and an empty wallet.
I really don't like this Danielle and I'm glad she's gone. She's not down to earth, and she seems to have a nasty streak. Where did they dredge these 'best bits' up from? At least she said she wanted Lauren to win. Bye bye. I'll miss your onesie. That's about it.
Oh, a twist. Sigh. Ron is being a bit of a big head. He would have been happy to be voted out!? Stop talking.
Oh God, now they get to nominate. Boo. Why is Louie saying 'you know'? I hope it's him.
Ron wants to put Lauren, the only transsexual housemate, up! Surprise, surprise. I'm glad Janice is arguing with him! She wants to put Louie up! Haha, he must be shocked. Oh no, not the 'vote me out' spiel. I hate it the most. Go if you want to go! No one's forcing you to stay!
Phew, glad Lauren got saved by a whisker there. Aren't we going to see the reaction after? Ah, Ron looks embarrassed. He must know they know. What the fuck is that scrunchie in Sophie's hair? I mean, a scrunchie?! Really?
Get Louie out! I want to see him do an Andrew Stone. No, not punch a woman he's pretending to fuck. Skedaddle.

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: You're a particular market

Sorry I've been awol. I've been out and then I've been ill, plus I hate this show. I just watched some live feed and couldn't decide who to strangle first; Carol, Janice, Les, rubbery Danielle or Louie. When your favourites are Lauren, Courtney, Screech and Abz, you know you're in trouble. Also, take heed that I predicted Ron would say something dumb in my last blog. Mind you, that doesn't exactly make me Alison Dubois.
I honestly can't remember a more unlikable group in the house. Even the people I 'like', I can barely tolerate.
I read somewhere that Danielle said she's 32. I'm 33 and she looks old enough to be my mum. Not a great advert for botox. Carol McGiffin is odious and clearly an alcoholic, so she'll probably win it. She makes Denise Welch look civillised.
I don't think they should have played the cult footage into the house. Just typical boring shitstirring. I'm glad they didn't put Courtney up, though. She would have been an easy target. I like Courtney, she has a sort of cartoon charm.
Janice is a sore loser, a drunk and talks to the camera. Plus she keeps going on about nominations. The makers of Zeo must be furious than Janice is drinking it. At least Louis is calling her out on her behaviour, and she hasn't got a word to say in return. I guess her and Les didn't have to do much acting after all.
Aw to Lauren saying she'd never had a friend. I don't mind Lauren; she looks like a mad auntie, but that's alright. At least she's eccentric. Abz and Lauren should get their own gardening show.
I'm sure Louis would be like 'so what' if he was put up - not. He'd be gutted! Having said that, I've never seen so many sore losers about being up. It's the game. Get on with it. Janice is bitter.
Oh God, not a task where they rank themselves again! Ha, lining up in age order. This should piss a few people off. Is Danielle older than Dustin? She sure looks it. I'd say he's got it spot on.
Ha, now they have to line up in order of hotness. Lauren's deadpan face when Louis said 'you're a particular market' to Lauren. I love the fact Lauren thinks she's a goddess. Ha, Sophie looked SO pissed off that she was lower than Carol. Charlotte the sexiest? God help us! I'd rather have sex with a pig in lipstick, it would probably have better manners, and definitely better conversation. Dustin was quite high, too. Ron is sexier than Janice?! Ouch. Courtney didn't look too impressed either. Danielle was lower than Bruce, lol. Poor Lauren at the bottom.
I don't buy this 'Charlotte's naive' act in the DR, either. It's all an act! Her whole personality is contrived.
Honestly, Danielle thinks she's so entitled to be in there! No one has a clue who she is, and she seems like a total arsehole! Just STFU and be glad you're even in there; you don't deserve to be.
Ugh, I hate these eating tasks! It shows such a lack of imagination. It's not I'm a Celeb! I can't bear it. Are cream crackers really that hard to eat? It's just regular food, isn't it? Dog food is appropriate for that thing from Geordie Shore. I don't get these tasks, they're just not pleasant to watch. Gross.
This cuckoo task is so weird, too. I think the task team have actually gone on holiday.
OMG just when I thought I could hold my dinner down they show Lauren doing Ron's feet. I can't even bear to look at feet, not even my own, which are reasonably bearable. I'm glad when summer's over so I don't have to look at people's wonky toes shoved into sandals. Sickening. I can't STAND people touching my feet. My natural reaction when someone touches my feet is to kick them in the face. I couldn't go out with a foot fetishist, that's for sure.
Is Carol really lecturing Charlotte on drinking? Funny.
Ha, I'm glad Louie is being rude to Danielle because she's being a total psycho. He's very frank, which can be hurtful, but at least you know where you stand. I actually hate Danielle now. What's the point of her? Also, that skull cardie she's wearing looks like it's off the market.
Sophie want to walk out with her 'integrity intact.' Good luck with that.
Why are they giving the celebs so much booze?!
I liked Courtney warning Danielle when she was bitching about Louie and he walked in. Danielle KNOWS she's going because it's vote to save and no one knows who she is.
How drunk is Mario making a run at Sophie? Nice try, kiddo.
Oh God, Charlotte's not going to shit herself, is she? Carol doesn't like it when someone else in the house is drunker than her! She's probably jealous.
Courtney's my favourite! She's almost wholesome in a weird way. Courtney FTW. Everyone else: for the torture chamber.

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: How long have you had your vagina?

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Celebrity Big Brother 2013: What is Newcastle, is it a club?

Well some of my friends seem more enthusiastic about this lot than I do ie. they've heard of some of these people. 

I hope they edit this well, especially the cult bit, as it was a complete car crash last night. Is it right to trivialise the serious matter of cults? Oh, who cares. 

That was convenient that someone mentioned The Green Mile that Courtney's husband was in.

Lauren is so weird. I can't bear her. She must be on some meds. Why is she doing roll eyes at everything everyone is saying? Wouldn't you be excited to be in the BB house at last? 

It's so obvious that Courtney is going to go up! They should have put HER in the safe house. What's the point in paying big bucks (presumably) for yanks, then putting them at risk? I've heard it's vote to save again now, so that should help.

Ooh Janice is tearing a strip off Charlotte. She downed a glass of champagne and then poured herself another one. What an arsehole. Don't fuck with Janice! Is she going to do a Vinnie Jones aka take control the kitchen?

My friend agreed that Carol looked coked up. OMG Louis Spence is being transphobic! And so it begins.

Charlotte is just pure crass. I think being obnoxiously crass is more offensive than pretending to be thick.

Who's the most famous? Courtney: 'the Americans!' 

Wow, Charlotte is SO rude. RUDE. ARROGANT. DISRESPECTFUL and so on.

Janice was smoking in that bed in the live feed! Keeping it proper Corrie style.

Can someone poke Lauren with a stick? I'm not sure she's got a pulse at this point. 

What does 'she's so porn' mean? Courtney: 'Where's the pool?'

I like the way that Charlotte idiot has latched on to Ron. 'Just tell us if I ever annoy you.' OK. How about now?

I love the 'aren't we all getting on great' talk after an hour. Funny, that.

I don't mind Sophie, even though she's an arsehole, at least she says what she thinks. I think Louis needs to watch his mouth or he could get kicked out.

Courtney's voice is SO annoying the way it goes up at the end. I'm trying to work out who's more annoying out of her and Charlotte. I think I'd less like to be stuck in a lift with Charlotte. 

Ron is being a gent about the beds. Courtney is waiting for someone to designate her a bed. Ha, she picked a double. Bad move.

Is Lauren crying? Lucky she's not been paid per word. 

Don't put the bunny in the mangle! He's going to come out like roadkill. Oh, dear.

The dolphins called, they want Courtney back. There's two Screeches in that house.

Oh, the rape suite has been turned into a bathroom, but we remember! We remember.

Louis is cruel laughing at Lauren saying her body is perfect. At least it's good she feels that way, even if no one else does. 

LOL to Charlotte saying she thinks Janice is a stupid cow (behind her back, of course).

I've never heard about this 'international media storm' around Courtney, so I highly doubt if Ron has. He looks like he's falling asleep.

So here's who the housemates are going to put up. Well, one of them. OK, there put up three possibilities (my boyfriend doesn't understand this part). Louis wants to put Ron up! Good move. Sophie put Courtney up as a potential. Why has Lauren got it in for Carol? Has she had a run in with her in the past? She described Carol as miserable and not very forthright! WTF. Lauren and Louis are trying to take out the big fish. 

I like that woman's pug onesie. Well, I like the print, I hate onesies.

Where has Abz's hair gone? Abz doesn't like Mario. DID Mario blank him? It would have been good to have a flashback on that. 

I don't like this 'boys will be boys' talk, it's grim. Cheated 'seven times'? Lovely.

Abz is one of these 'spiritual' idiots, isn't he? What's he been smoking?

Talking of smoking, I'm not sure you should smoke in those robes, they look highly flammable. Why is Sophie being so prudish about Courtney? Charlotte is not 'intriguing'. She's gross.

OMG! Did Carol REALLY just comment on someone's age gap?! What a MASSIVE hypocrite! 'I'm not judging her, but...' Fuck me, Carol is rough. What has it got to do with you, what other people do? Mind your own business!

Mario is eyeing up Carol's legs! Hilarious. I can just imagine Carol's boyfriend throwing his shoes at the TV. Carol seems quite keen on Mario, too. Danielle: 'that's not relevant to us.' I think Carol will make her own mind up. 

Lauren's entrance was amazing! The way she staggered out of that cupboard was ace. Carol quizzing Lauren immediately! Sophie's in. 'Hi, nice to meet you x 10.'

Louis' entrance is understated as ever. Cool, they put Ron up! That's what's best for the show, as far as I'm concerned. A Judas kiss from Louis! LOL to him going 'great tits' to Courtney. 

I just realised I might be spelling Louis wrong. Is it Louie? Oh, fuck. Never mind. This is what happens when you have a Twitter amnesty. You don't know basic spelling.

This story about the public voting doesn't stack up! They wouldn't put Ron up anyway, not with all the football idiots in this country. Plus people don't just arrive and then there's a vote, that's not how it works. Very fishy! 

I want one of those chocolates. Good night.

Celebrity Big Brother 2013: Launch night

There I was moaning about too much Big Brother, then on the two days it wasn't on, I got bored. I miss Dexter, ha. I don't like the celeb version as much as the normal version, but hey ho.
Let's see what A list stars they've got lined up, then.
First up, Louis Spence. I cannot STAND him! His lisp drives me nuts. Bring back Andrew Stone! He's enough to turn a gay man straight. No 'scrote hanging out though', so that's something. Are they going to put in Jim Davidson next? I heard he got off his sex charges.
Ha to Louis going 'Thank God they got rid of the eco shit' and tidying up!
OMG Lauren Harries is next. She gets on my nerves. I used to like her when I was a kid and she was the little antiques dude. She looks so old! How old is she? She needs to sort that lippy out. Who's next, Helen Lederer? Some other person of BOTS we don't like? Fuck me, look at her boobs! She's got Big Brother eye earrings. Illuminati. Lauren 'are you single and ready to mingle'? Let's hope not.
Well, so far I hate these two people. I think my boyfriend just said 'imagine if you fancied Lauren Harries'? I'll get him to clarify this comment later on our podcast.
I feel like Sophie Anderton has already been in there. Oh, she was the jungle. I think she was a cow. 'You may remember me for the Wonderbra advert.' No, most people who've heard of you remember you from being a coke head. I don't think jungle people should be allowed in BB. It's like Corrie and Eastenders. Never the twain shall meet. Ugh, I hate everyone. If I was Sophie and I walked down those stairs and saw that pair I'd walk back up again.
Louis has clearly been watching the show as he knows about the eco stuff and knows where the Diary Room is. Ooh, they've jazzed up the DR chair. It's gone gold. I'm laughing at Louis is despite myself.
Lauren doesn't know what a cult is. It's where you go to drink the Kool Aid. Give her an extra large cup.
Louis is obsessed with cushions! Louis knows about the illuminati. OMG they're putting robes on. Are they going to drink some babies blood?
Louis 'doesn't drink normally.' I'm officially watching how much he drinks from now on.
OMG Les and Janice! Where's the horse fleece?! Are they one housemate?! Don't let Les drink, he's an alkie! I saw him on Jeremy Kyle recently. Where's Rosie Webster? Where's Chris Fountain? Put your money down now on Les getting kicked out. Oh, they are individual housemates! Janice FTW. I can't stand him but I like her.
Janice is impressed with the Aga. They don't have those in Corrie.
Next in is Courtney Stodden. I don't even know who her husband is, let alone her. She's missed her lips with the lipstick. I like the American housemates, though. She's going to be confused by Les and Janice. She looks emaciated. She looks like she's going to topple over with those boobs. Why is she getting booed? She seems to be having a problem with her boobs. I think they're trying to escape. OMG you can see her knick knocks! Wow. Keep it classy.
LOL to Janice telling her she had lipstick on her teeth! What a trouper. I heart Janice. My boyfriend is moaning about the people. But the people are always shit. What is he expecting?
ABZ! Of 5ive fame. He said he a sugar mommy on the Big Reunion. Why does he talk like a 12 year old boy? He doesn't like people talking shit? Curious. He's got an eye on his t-shirt too! Not liking his facial hair. Ha to him saying he needs the money and lives with his Auntie. He does not, he lives on a farm! 'I'm from a pop band.'
Aw, it made Courtney feel bad being booed. Why are we making guests in our country feel bad? Courtney's hair is like candyfloss.
Why aren't the cult leaders saying anything? Or I can't hear them saying anything. Lauren doesn't appear to be saying a word.
Who the fuck is Danielle Marr? Johnny's bad enough. Dexter is more famous than her. What the hell is Dublin Wives? I hope they evict her. She seems like an arsehole and she looks like Claire from Steps' mum. She looks like she's got a bridesmaid dress on. But the bride hates her.
Next up is Screech from Saved by the Bell ie. Dustin Diamond. Wasn't he in a porno? I am too young for Saved by the Bell. He looks very different to when he was younger. He's going to struggle to understand what Abz is saying. I sure do.
I like Janice's hair colour. She does look skinny!
The cult lot are not even watching this show, they're talking about bloody eye masks!
I don't watch Geordie Shore so I don't know who Charlotte Crosby is. I liked her 'orifices' speech! She seems like a good laugh, haha. Peeing, shitting, pubes. She's like the opposite of Mary Berry. I think she's got bladder incontinence. She could be the new face of Tena Lady. 'She doesn't ever wear a bra'. She needs to. They'll be round her ankles!
Janice is being rude about Charlotte already! They've given them warm booze? How rude. Stick it in the freezer. Like Jay McKray's poo.
Oh no, it's someone from TOWIE. Just what we need - another Kirk Norcross. At least I know who Arg is. I don't know who this guy is. He looks like he's dressed as a bridegroom. He'll get on well with that bridesmaid. He's not doing very well with the questioning. 'I'm a mummy's boy.' OK then.
Lauren Harries is good, isn't she! She could be the new Spiedi at this rate.
Oh Lord, when Carol McGiffin is one of the most famous people in the house, you're really screwed. At least she's better that Denise Welch. Mind you, that's not hard. Carol is modelling a dress from the hunchback collection. LOL she's drunk! She's acting the goat. I think she's on coke. She rubbed her nose as well!
Everyone is calling Dustin 'Justin'.
I can't hear a word the people in the 'safe house' or whatever it is are saying.
Finally it's Ron Atkinson. Does he really need the money? I can't stand football so I'm not interested. I could see him and Bruce teaming up and being a pair of old misery guts. Didn't he get pulled up for saying something racist and/or sexist? Or am I confusing him with some other fusty old football dude?
No one is even saying hi to people when they walk in! How rude.
This is a bunch of bullshit.
Ron Atkinson and Mario look like they're going to be firm friends. Kill me now.
Oh here's the 'twist'. Who's the most famous housemates? What scale are we using? I'd say Ron and Les or Janice. Then Carol.
Oh they've gone for Les and Janice. Geordie Shore isn't happy. They've got to sleep in the garden. Is that the best they've got? Janice and Les should be used to sleeping together.
Oh, dear. I am not liking this lot AT ALL. Who is there to root for? I have a bad feeling about this series. I don't feel excited! Shame as the cast for the 'civilian' series was so good, except the winner, obviously. Not that I'm still bitter! Listen to our podcast in an hour or so for a wrap up the real Big Brother and some bile about this bunch of dickheads.