Hiya! So I just watched two hours of live feed. Quite good actually, comforting, like an old pair of slippers. I didn't learn a great deal, except the twins have expressions like they've just been told their family have been in a car wreck, and Sam likes girls on bikes with baskets on the front. Still, it's more than I would have known without those crumbs. Mmm, crumbs! Nom nom nom. Honestly, the twins are doing a thousand yard stare and gnawing on their nails. I don't know what's up with them but they have the faces of men off to the gallows.
So, onto tonight. I'm wondering if Michael is going to get Stockholm syndrome and start falling for his housemates? It would be good to see him go on some sort of emotional 'journey' (Dermot™). Are they really calling him 'the people's puppet'? That's so lame.The people's muppet more like. Puppet. Poppets. It's just too much.
I like those round orange chairs, I want one of those. LOL Dexter will buy everyone new stuff (of his choosing). He will buy everyone's friendship with 'male Louboutins'.Dexter: 'I'm London's most notorious sugar daddy. The press hate me.' The press wrote one story about you! No one knows who you are. Stop being a dick. No, don't actually. Be an enormous dick. It's entertaining.
Wolfy is getting on my wick, too. Sam is flirting with Jemima! 'You make my winky expand' is not much of a chat up line. Sam talks just like Glyn. I wonder if he knows how to cook an egg? All will be revealed.
Dexter: 'people shouldn't discriminate against me.' Why, because you're a knob? One thing you can't buy is respect. Unless you're a gangster.
LOL to Sallie going in the DR and slagging off Jemima and Callum already! 'Dexter's a cock.' Ha!
Ha to Dexter trying to sprawl in the Diary Room chair like an insouciant Jeremy Kyle guest. Dexter: you should be grateful Sallie knows about you AT ALL! I can't believe he's arguing with Sallie on the first night. Bad strategy! Weak gameplay.
Good to see Michael as himself. 'ACTING.' You should try it. Oh God, they're not going to make him a real housemate, are they? That would be rubbish.
Jemima is drunk. Barry Styles is picking his nose. Are these two gonna get off? Groo. OMG she tried to kiss him and he backed off. That is SAD. I wouldn't touch a 23 year old with a barge pole. Desperate!
I like the furry purple bench. I can't believe everyone's bitching so much already. I find that uniquely British.
Why is Sallie bothered if Sam gets off with Jemima? It's none of her business! Dexter, the onesie look isn't for you. Thought you were going to have a light then fuck off? Sallie is chief shit stirrer.
New housemates! Oh, a black person. Well done, Big Brother! Gina has an allowance of 10K a month and can't survive on it. Oh dear. Gina, meet Dexter. Rich people are so boring! Bragging about labels and stuff. It really is dull. People shouting 'off' at her, I wondered where all the animals in the crowd were. Maybe they kept them there since last night.
Sallie is going to be thrilled to be knocked off top dog perch. Watch your back, Gina! I think Gina can handle herself, though.
I almost thought Dan was good looking then, then I heard he was a police officer, then I saw his hairline. He's a gay dad. He's got it all going on. All bases covered. It looks like Dan's had a mid season buzzcut already, and that's his going in hair. How does that work?
Not another glamour girl! God. Sallie's head will explode. I thought we were getting smart older housemates this year? This a cookie cutter type housemate. She's like brunette Barbie. Callum's eyes just fell out of his head.
Last night's housemates already look jaded in yesterday's clothes, ha. How quickly you become old news.
Next up is Daley, a part time boxer. He looks quite attractive, but I don't like sporty types. The girls will be after him, no doubt. I don't think you can be crazy AND normal as he professed. They are the opposite of each other. I could see him winning it. He's 'going with the flow'. I hope that flow isn't leading down the rapids. 'Not religious but spiritual'. Oh, fuck off.
Now it's getting interesting though, wondering how all these personalities will mix together.
OK, last housemate. Oh, a mother and daughter! As one housemate. That's weird. Posh. Annoying. I'm not sure how I feel about mothers and daughters in there. Wasn't the last mother and daughter in there Jade and her mum? That didn't end well. That Beyonce song makes me want to punch my own face in. OH, they're not one housemate, they're two! Why? Why can't the twins be individual as well? I don't get it.
Sallie must be upset that everyone coming in today missed her sideboob last night. Sallie's like a Jasmine character a bit, like a tragic child who just needs counselling and instead gets tattoos and has a massive attitude.
Oh God, time for Michael to overact again. So will he shred housemates suitcases for a pizza? Shredder. Pizzas. It's like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. What, WE voted to not shred the new hms suitcases? I didn't vote for that!
So they're telling them that Michael is immune and he chooses the first three up for eviction. So is that true? I guess WE choose, right? I don't think I trust US to choose!
LOL to Emma nearly saying 'Channel 4'. Whoops! All in all, lots of fun. Except I had no wine and I watched it alone, surrounded by cardboard boxes. But that's not Endemol's fault. Is it?
Showing posts with label 2013. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 2013. Show all posts
Friday, 14 June 2013
Thursday, 13 June 2013
Big Brother 2013: Secrets and Lies
What series is it? I never have a clue. For the amount of different Big Brothers' I watch, my knowledge of the finer details are quite poor. Anyway, this is the first UK series that Emma Willis is presenting, something which is upsetting my boyfriend, an avid Brian Dowling fan. I personally think Emma will do a decent job and I quite like her.
On the face of it, things could be good this time round. There's a new producer, quite a radically different house, live feed (two hours, but you know, it's better than a smack in the face). Rylan also said on The Wright Stuff that the contestants were going to be older, which probably means there are two or three oldies. There's a psych show. All pointing towards a good show, right? So why is this 'launch night split over two shows' making me twitch? I've got a funny feeling it's going to be boys and girls in two different houses like on the Australian show, which we know didn't work from Ziggy's year. I don't like first night twists, I just want to see them interact, but I know that ship has long sailed. Waa waa waa, back in the day. I know. I'm old.
Sponsored by Super Casino! The class goes up and up.
Here we go! Emma looks good. I like her dress and shoes. Her arms look muscly! And she's a fan of the show. She is a bit 'only following orders' but that's OK.
The house looks cool! Look at the doors. It looks like they've spent a few quid on it for once. It's quirky, like a Teletubbies house. The house looks massive! I like the furnishings! I don't like the Diary Room chair, though. It doesn't look comfy. Nice to see round the house though (briefly).
First in are Jack and Joe (Jedward after too many carveries). They don't look 18. They look about 40. What's with those jumpers? Are they one housemate or two? I hate these joint housemates. They are individuals even if they're twins. They laugh like a pair of hyenas.
Next up is Sallie, a firebreathing glamour model. She's got loads of tattoos so that's a bit different from the usual glamour girls. She's more Jodie Marsh than Jordan. Likes beanie hats. Why? DAPPY. OMG look at her outfit! I think she forgot to put her top on. I'd be nervous about hugging her! You'd get done for sexual assault. I'm surprised she didn't get booed more for being so comfortable with herself. I think she might be alright. At least interesting.
Jemima runs a golddiggers website. She looks ropey. Her highlights wouldn't be out of place on a Judge Judy guest. An SJP lookalike! That's nothing to boast about. She could be entertaining, though.
They're drinking out of jam jars. They're taking this eco thing seriously.
Michael is 'a little bit crazy'. He described himself as 'a little bit cute.' I beg to differ. He looks like a frog. Says he has a gameplan. Unless I see it drawn in crayon I'm not interested.
OMG Michael is a MOLE! A real mole! Cool. We've been waiting for that one for a while. I wouldn't like him to stay the whole time though. What if he wins it?
I like the tree house and the garden. WHERE'S THE CHICKENS? Bring back Marjorie! Definitely showing my age now.
Callum is 'laid back with a sharp edge.' Like a razor on the side of the bathtub. He didn't get a Twitter quote come up so I can only presume he's too stupid to use Twitter. This is my idea of hell in a man. Right there. He's a great interviewee! Emma looked at him like 'you freak.' He reminds me of Conor. He reminds me of someone else too, but I can't place it. Callum's favourite 'artist' of all time is Will Smith. What?
Wolfy is up next. Peter Kaye in lesbian form. She's a hippy. She's barefoot and crying. Oh dear. She used the word 'birds' to describe women. Ugh. Do lesbians really do that? If so, we've got no hope as women. Oh no, apparently she meant actual birds. Sorry, Wolfy. She doesn't drink. Always suspicious. She reminds me of Becky from last year, and that's NOOOOOOO good thing. 'Come on, you bastards' was her high point.
Sam. A Welsh Harry Styles. I can't understand what he's saying! Give him some subtitles FFS. Is he deaf? Oops. 'You make my winky expand'. Ugh! 23, he looks about 12. HE'S NOT EVEN CUTE. Oh shit, he really is deaf. Apologies. He still needs subtitles, though.
Sophie: 'people fink that I'm fick.' I wonder why? 'But I'm quite clever actually.' We'll see. She's dressed like a mermaid. Her voice is enough to make you want to punch yourself in the face. Two people within the space of two minutes have described her as gorgeous now. If you say so. I'm so over thick people on BB.
Ad break. Neighbours: the eclipse. That sounds good, ha.
Yeah Dexter looks good, Kenneth Tong the return! Spent £121K in a bar. 28?! He looks about five. He's gonna be an ALMIGHTY douche. He's going to be a great housemate. When he told Emma he had a 'kind heart' I was disappointed. He's got his Butlins coat on! Did he say 'is that legal?' to Sallie's outfit?
How did Michael know where the DR was? PLANT! So does he act in the Diary Room, too? Maybe he's not even Irish. Get him to say 'three' then we'll figure it out.
ACTING! It would be hard to act all the time. As he's finding already. LOL someone just called him a cunt. NO ONE would go in there on the first night and shred all the other housemates clothes: no one. You'd be out on your ear in ten seconds. This 'twist' could fall apart any second.
I hate people who say 'borrowed you' when they mean LEANT, Sallie. It's LEANT, Sallie. Or is it lent?It's underling leant. Either way, it's not 'borrowed you'. EITHER WAY.
Fucking hell man, we could have got a warning for 'My face is eating me alive.' C5 has so turned into C4. They've nicked all their best shows.
It's bollocks that they're shredding all their clothes. It's just empty suitcases. Dexter looks like Rodrigo from a distance. A long distance, as Rodrigo is cute. Let's throw Callum in the shredder to check it's working. There's no WAY their clothes are in there. What if people have got contact lenses and stuff like that? I wouldn't cuddle Michael, I'd be fuming! I'd be wearing his clothes for the rest of the season. Even if they didn't fit.
In a way I think it's good splitting the launch show as sometimes it can be tedious. I wonder if there'll be another mole tomorrow? The only reason I'm pissy about it is because my boyfriend is working tomorrow so we can't watch it together, I know, heartbreaking, get your tiny violin out.
Right we're gonna do a podcast. I did enjoy it, you know! I like Emma! There will be blood. Ooh I just saw 5 mins of BOTS. I didn't expect AJ to speak like that, like Tess Daly. Rylan looks like he's struggling to keep his teeth in, bless him. I miss Jamie East! I never thought you'd hear me say that.
On the face of it, things could be good this time round. There's a new producer, quite a radically different house, live feed (two hours, but you know, it's better than a smack in the face). Rylan also said on The Wright Stuff that the contestants were going to be older, which probably means there are two or three oldies. There's a psych show. All pointing towards a good show, right? So why is this 'launch night split over two shows' making me twitch? I've got a funny feeling it's going to be boys and girls in two different houses like on the Australian show, which we know didn't work from Ziggy's year. I don't like first night twists, I just want to see them interact, but I know that ship has long sailed. Waa waa waa, back in the day. I know. I'm old.
Sponsored by Super Casino! The class goes up and up.
Here we go! Emma looks good. I like her dress and shoes. Her arms look muscly! And she's a fan of the show. She is a bit 'only following orders' but that's OK.
The house looks cool! Look at the doors. It looks like they've spent a few quid on it for once. It's quirky, like a Teletubbies house. The house looks massive! I like the furnishings! I don't like the Diary Room chair, though. It doesn't look comfy. Nice to see round the house though (briefly).
First in are Jack and Joe (Jedward after too many carveries). They don't look 18. They look about 40. What's with those jumpers? Are they one housemate or two? I hate these joint housemates. They are individuals even if they're twins. They laugh like a pair of hyenas.
Next up is Sallie, a firebreathing glamour model. She's got loads of tattoos so that's a bit different from the usual glamour girls. She's more Jodie Marsh than Jordan. Likes beanie hats. Why? DAPPY. OMG look at her outfit! I think she forgot to put her top on. I'd be nervous about hugging her! You'd get done for sexual assault. I'm surprised she didn't get booed more for being so comfortable with herself. I think she might be alright. At least interesting.
Jemima runs a golddiggers website. She looks ropey. Her highlights wouldn't be out of place on a Judge Judy guest. An SJP lookalike! That's nothing to boast about. She could be entertaining, though.
They're drinking out of jam jars. They're taking this eco thing seriously.
Michael is 'a little bit crazy'. He described himself as 'a little bit cute.' I beg to differ. He looks like a frog. Says he has a gameplan. Unless I see it drawn in crayon I'm not interested.
OMG Michael is a MOLE! A real mole! Cool. We've been waiting for that one for a while. I wouldn't like him to stay the whole time though. What if he wins it?
I like the tree house and the garden. WHERE'S THE CHICKENS? Bring back Marjorie! Definitely showing my age now.
Callum is 'laid back with a sharp edge.' Like a razor on the side of the bathtub. He didn't get a Twitter quote come up so I can only presume he's too stupid to use Twitter. This is my idea of hell in a man. Right there. He's a great interviewee! Emma looked at him like 'you freak.' He reminds me of Conor. He reminds me of someone else too, but I can't place it. Callum's favourite 'artist' of all time is Will Smith. What?
Wolfy is up next. Peter Kaye in lesbian form. She's a hippy. She's barefoot and crying. Oh dear. She used the word 'birds' to describe women. Ugh. Do lesbians really do that? If so, we've got no hope as women. Oh no, apparently she meant actual birds. Sorry, Wolfy. She doesn't drink. Always suspicious. She reminds me of Becky from last year, and that's NOOOOOOO good thing. 'Come on, you bastards' was her high point.
Sam. A Welsh Harry Styles. I can't understand what he's saying! Give him some subtitles FFS. Is he deaf? Oops. 'You make my winky expand'. Ugh! 23, he looks about 12. HE'S NOT EVEN CUTE. Oh shit, he really is deaf. Apologies. He still needs subtitles, though.
Sophie: 'people fink that I'm fick.' I wonder why? 'But I'm quite clever actually.' We'll see. She's dressed like a mermaid. Her voice is enough to make you want to punch yourself in the face. Two people within the space of two minutes have described her as gorgeous now. If you say so. I'm so over thick people on BB.
Ad break. Neighbours: the eclipse. That sounds good, ha.
Yeah Dexter looks good, Kenneth Tong the return! Spent £121K in a bar. 28?! He looks about five. He's gonna be an ALMIGHTY douche. He's going to be a great housemate. When he told Emma he had a 'kind heart' I was disappointed. He's got his Butlins coat on! Did he say 'is that legal?' to Sallie's outfit?
How did Michael know where the DR was? PLANT! So does he act in the Diary Room, too? Maybe he's not even Irish. Get him to say 'three' then we'll figure it out.
ACTING! It would be hard to act all the time. As he's finding already. LOL someone just called him a cunt. NO ONE would go in there on the first night and shred all the other housemates clothes: no one. You'd be out on your ear in ten seconds. This 'twist' could fall apart any second.
I hate people who say 'borrowed you' when they mean LEANT, Sallie. It's LEANT, Sallie. Or is it lent?It's underling leant. Either way, it's not 'borrowed you'. EITHER WAY.
Fucking hell man, we could have got a warning for 'My face is eating me alive.' C5 has so turned into C4. They've nicked all their best shows.
It's bollocks that they're shredding all their clothes. It's just empty suitcases. Dexter looks like Rodrigo from a distance. A long distance, as Rodrigo is cute. Let's throw Callum in the shredder to check it's working. There's no WAY their clothes are in there. What if people have got contact lenses and stuff like that? I wouldn't cuddle Michael, I'd be fuming! I'd be wearing his clothes for the rest of the season. Even if they didn't fit.
In a way I think it's good splitting the launch show as sometimes it can be tedious. I wonder if there'll be another mole tomorrow? The only reason I'm pissy about it is because my boyfriend is working tomorrow so we can't watch it together, I know, heartbreaking, get your tiny violin out.
Right we're gonna do a podcast. I did enjoy it, you know! I like Emma! There will be blood. Ooh I just saw 5 mins of BOTS. I didn't expect AJ to speak like that, like Tess Daly. Rylan looks like he's struggling to keep his teeth in, bless him. I miss Jamie East! I never thought you'd hear me say that.
Wednesday, 20 February 2013
The Brits 2013: James Corden-blergh
Well, this is going well before it's even begun. One: I've got laryngitis so can't speak. Not being able to speak is rubbish. It makes me realise just how much crap I talk and how much I like giving my opinion on EVERYTHING. So I have a feeling that might make me channel all my anger through my fingertips into a giant splurge. I'm also coughing up bits of the back of my throat and look like something off the Walking Dead. I didn't even blog the Speidi doc (sob). Two: my boyfriend has stomped off into the bedroom declaring 'I won't have it on in the house.' Make that the same room. So now I've got feeling like crap, plus feeling guilty on my hands. Three: it's the Brits. It's my tradition to write a bilious blog about it, and I'll be damned if I let a horrible illness stop me. I'm already suffering, so what's a little extra?
So I heard James Corden might be ill, too, and that Chris Evans might be hosting. At least Chris Evans was relevant once, right? Even if he does write that really smug column about going to country pubs and playing golf now.
So opening the show in usual understated style is Muse. Remember Plug In Baby? That was a good song. Not sure how many light years ago that was now. I used to have a poster out of Just 17 on my wall of the guy from Muse, and he looked attractive. I'm serious!
Ugh, Corden is there. Isn't Russell Brand in the country? Shall I just say ALL THE SAME THINGS I say EVERY YEAR? Well if they will wheel out this far prick every year, what do you expect? Oh my God. Mumford and Sons. I'm strongly considering joining the resistance in the bedroom.
Mumford #1 says he 'enjoys doubling the size of the window people get to look in.' That will come in handy in your next job. I always say it, but I honestly thought they were a joke band at first, and they've done nothing to change my opinion. Plus James Corden says he loves them. Enough said. I thought he'd lost weight? Also, why have they redesigned the Brit Award as Cath Kidston's vibrator this year?
Taylor Swift. Where's Kanye on the only occasion you'd EVER need him? Cut to 1D's Harry Styles. Taylor looks like Bug Bunny. She's introducing Best British Female Solo Artist. Has anyone ever heard a Paloma Faith song? Me neither. She's just famous for wearing bits of old carpet. Amy Winehouse? Pretty sure she died over a year ago, are we that hard up? Mitch Winehouse is more relevant. Oh my god, Emile Sande. That is the worst type of music on the planet. I'd rather be forced to watch that programme about a chicken shop on a loop for 24 hours than listen to one of her pathetic, middle-of-the-road dirges. Can't WAIT for her acceptance speech! She makes Corrine Bailey Rae look like Pussy Riot. James Corden attempts to talk to those little slags out of One Direction. They are REALLY EXCITED about the tour starting. Yeah, really excited about all the pussy, to quote that little runt Styles. That's twice I've used the word 'pussy' in one paragraph now (three times, now, actually).
OMG Robbie Williams. This is too much. Someone up there is trying to finish me off. I hope he falls off that step and knocks his front teeth out. I actually mean 'breaks his neck' but I'm trying to build up to that level of vitriol, and he's stealing my thunder. Is this the 'Ring of roses' one? FFS. Shoot me now. Just take me out with the horsemeat burgers and donkey lasagnes and dump me in a fucking ditch. I should DEFINITELY have started watching this half an hour early. I've really fucked myself. There are people playing tubas onstage and Robbie Williams is still the most odious thing in sight. Revolting. Someone drop the bomb, quick, you get him and James Corden for the price of one.
What the hell has happened to Simon Pegg? He looks like a little rat. I used to like him. Back around the time I used to like Muse. And what's he doing with Liz Hurley? Best British Group. Is it someone I hate? Who the hell are Alt-J? The XX, that's a bit last year, isn't it? I'm vaguely up on new music thanks to Song Pop, now, ha. And One Direction and Mumford and Sons doesn't really cover it. Mumford and Sons sounds like a business Alex Polizzi goes to sort out on The Fixer. Like a failing furniture shop.
Nick Grimshaw: are they actively trying to put people on the stage who are more odious than James C? They still failed but only just. Best British Breakthrough. Why are there only four nominations in every category? Rita Ora's been out for ages. Seriously, is this the best they can do? Someone who looks like they're trying to cover up their bald patch with an elaborate comb-over won it.
Oh dear, I've got a bad feeling I'm not going to have a good word to say about this whole night.
Christ, Dave Grohl's just turned up plugging something or other. Kurt Cobain's 46th birthday perhaps? Cue Courtney: 'when the drummer tries to sing!!!!' LOL. It's lucky my boyfriend has left the room. He really wouldn't tolerate this. He was upset enough when Dave Grohl didn't get a slap off that deer in that 15-year-old QOTSA video. Fucking hell, is Dave Grohl sitting with Simon Cowell?
Plan B, don't give up the day job! No seriously, I sat through a bit of that Sweeney, and I've sat through several Danny Dyer films, and you can't even compare. To Danny Dyer. Or Jason Statham, even.
LOL to the person behind James C looking at his watch as he introduced old spud-face himself, Justin Timberlake. Seriously, I thought this guy's wheeze would be up years ago; he makes Spencer Pratt look attractive, and the high point of his career was splitting up with Britney before the umbrella period. All of his songs sound exactly the same. Lord knows what's going on with his hair right now. I'm guessing he's had it relaxed because we all remember the NSYNC-advert-for-Frizz-Ease stage. This twat has also got a tuba. 'So smooth'? He never used to be. You can't airbrush a hairdo like that out of history, Trousersnake.
The way Paloma Faith talks gets right on my wick, and I bet I'm not the only one. The human condition; oh go fuck yourself. She's like a human condition: dandruff. What sort of music is that anyway? The sort no one likes.
Oh dear, Ed Sheeran, ginger and that shiny suit really do not go well together. Best British Male - Ben someone. Who is this mumbler? Yeah Emeli, please do have some time off, I'm sick of the sight of you. Oh dear, my boyfriend just came in as Ed Sheeran was on TV, the one person he specifically said he would not tolerate. This Brits is actually more trouble than it's worth, it's like being caught watching some race hate or something.
Dermot and Sharon Osborne are the first two people who've turned up on that stage that I haven't felt searing hatred for. Sharon is sniffing like she's just been backstage with Conor Oberst. International Solo Artist. Anyone but Alicia Keys? I'm glad Lana Del Rey won it out of that lot. Although I'd say her bubble burst last year.
I always disliked One Direction, obviously, but at least I used to fancy Zayn. I can't even fancy him anymore since he's been revealed as a love rat. Are they murdering Blondie? Oh well, rather her than something I hold dear. They're struggling with the low notes somewhat. Oh it's a medley. Teenage Kicks as well? I'm sure Twitter is up in arms. I'm not bothered. Teenage Kicks gets on my nerves. Teenage pricks.
Sorry, I just paused to try and think of something positive to say. But I can barely breathe through my nose or mouth. Positive thoughts is just pushing it. Oh God, aren't we done with Emili Sande already? *cries*
I am ambivalent towards Jack Whitehall just because he wants everyone to hate him. Best British Live Act. Is it Muse? It normally is. Oh no, it's Coldplay. Has Chris Martin not even bothered to show up? Too busy covered in poster paint, no doubt.
OK I'm really losing the will to live now, I'm not sure I'm going to make to the end of this. Best British Single. Is it Stooshe? Isn't that the one about loving someone who beats you up? That's a good metaphor for this stupid programme. Except without the love. I've never even heard that Adele Skyfall song. She couldn't even be bothered to show up. I don't blame her. Oh how we laugh at the 'controversy' of last year. Zzzzzz.
Taylor Swift looks like she's just risen from the crypt. Oh, is that the idea? I'm seven minutes behind now and it's hard to know whether to fast forward this or the adverts. Oh, she went all Ann Summers at the end. Original! Madonna just called, she wants her panties back.
My boyfriend has just joined us with the remark: 'only a licensed cunt would watch this.' Then Robbie Williams came back on.
James Corden on Dave Grohl: 'men want to be him, women want to be with him.' I think you'll find 99 out of 100 women would rather be with Kurt Cobain's 46-year-old corpse.
I made a sandwich during James Corden's cringeworthy 'conversation' with Alt J, but they were characters weren't they? Like Union J without the looks, or a LCD Soundsystem police line-up. It was even funnier when they started talking.
Seriously, who got James Corden back after last year? He's useless. He's never made me laugh once. Ever. He makes Sam Fox look competent and Mick Fleetwood look like he can read.
My boyfriend is now declaring he is a 'war child' and watching this is worst than anything those kids went through. Ha, is that Damon Albarn. Alex James is looking rough, LOL. I'm surprised they've got Albarn back after last year. My boyfriend is now chanting 'Parklife' and going 'James Corden could do with a bit of famine.' I think it might have been easier when he was in the other room.
I just told him my Mumford and Sons joke from earlier and he went, 'Even Alex Polizzi would draw the line at this.' Have they got a ukelele? I used to think they were American, then it seemed like the fashion was slightly more forgivable. The lead singer looks like an alcoholic Tony Hadley.
'Pay some respects to Brian Ferry!' cried James Corden, to which my boyfriend replied, 'shall we start with the stag shooting, or the fact he's married to his son's girlfriend?' See, this is why I needed him here for the whole of this blog - so he could write my jokes for me.
1D win the 'Global Success' award; or as it used to be called when Russell Brand won it, 'Shagger of the Year.'
There's only one positive thing I can say about this whole affair and that was that I didn't have to look at Florence or her Machine this year. That's it.
Can you imagine how sadistic you'd have to be to watch the ITV2 show? Almost as sick as if you just ploughed through this blog, you loony. Thank you!
So I heard James Corden might be ill, too, and that Chris Evans might be hosting. At least Chris Evans was relevant once, right? Even if he does write that really smug column about going to country pubs and playing golf now.
So opening the show in usual understated style is Muse. Remember Plug In Baby? That was a good song. Not sure how many light years ago that was now. I used to have a poster out of Just 17 on my wall of the guy from Muse, and he looked attractive. I'm serious!
Ugh, Corden is there. Isn't Russell Brand in the country? Shall I just say ALL THE SAME THINGS I say EVERY YEAR? Well if they will wheel out this far prick every year, what do you expect? Oh my God. Mumford and Sons. I'm strongly considering joining the resistance in the bedroom.
Mumford #1 says he 'enjoys doubling the size of the window people get to look in.' That will come in handy in your next job. I always say it, but I honestly thought they were a joke band at first, and they've done nothing to change my opinion. Plus James Corden says he loves them. Enough said. I thought he'd lost weight? Also, why have they redesigned the Brit Award as Cath Kidston's vibrator this year?
Taylor Swift. Where's Kanye on the only occasion you'd EVER need him? Cut to 1D's Harry Styles. Taylor looks like Bug Bunny. She's introducing Best British Female Solo Artist. Has anyone ever heard a Paloma Faith song? Me neither. She's just famous for wearing bits of old carpet. Amy Winehouse? Pretty sure she died over a year ago, are we that hard up? Mitch Winehouse is more relevant. Oh my god, Emile Sande. That is the worst type of music on the planet. I'd rather be forced to watch that programme about a chicken shop on a loop for 24 hours than listen to one of her pathetic, middle-of-the-road dirges. Can't WAIT for her acceptance speech! She makes Corrine Bailey Rae look like Pussy Riot. James Corden attempts to talk to those little slags out of One Direction. They are REALLY EXCITED about the tour starting. Yeah, really excited about all the pussy, to quote that little runt Styles. That's twice I've used the word 'pussy' in one paragraph now (three times, now, actually).
OMG Robbie Williams. This is too much. Someone up there is trying to finish me off. I hope he falls off that step and knocks his front teeth out. I actually mean 'breaks his neck' but I'm trying to build up to that level of vitriol, and he's stealing my thunder. Is this the 'Ring of roses' one? FFS. Shoot me now. Just take me out with the horsemeat burgers and donkey lasagnes and dump me in a fucking ditch. I should DEFINITELY have started watching this half an hour early. I've really fucked myself. There are people playing tubas onstage and Robbie Williams is still the most odious thing in sight. Revolting. Someone drop the bomb, quick, you get him and James Corden for the price of one.
What the hell has happened to Simon Pegg? He looks like a little rat. I used to like him. Back around the time I used to like Muse. And what's he doing with Liz Hurley? Best British Group. Is it someone I hate? Who the hell are Alt-J? The XX, that's a bit last year, isn't it? I'm vaguely up on new music thanks to Song Pop, now, ha. And One Direction and Mumford and Sons doesn't really cover it. Mumford and Sons sounds like a business Alex Polizzi goes to sort out on The Fixer. Like a failing furniture shop.
Nick Grimshaw: are they actively trying to put people on the stage who are more odious than James C? They still failed but only just. Best British Breakthrough. Why are there only four nominations in every category? Rita Ora's been out for ages. Seriously, is this the best they can do? Someone who looks like they're trying to cover up their bald patch with an elaborate comb-over won it.
Oh dear, I've got a bad feeling I'm not going to have a good word to say about this whole night.
Christ, Dave Grohl's just turned up plugging something or other. Kurt Cobain's 46th birthday perhaps? Cue Courtney: 'when the drummer tries to sing!!!!' LOL. It's lucky my boyfriend has left the room. He really wouldn't tolerate this. He was upset enough when Dave Grohl didn't get a slap off that deer in that 15-year-old QOTSA video. Fucking hell, is Dave Grohl sitting with Simon Cowell?
Plan B, don't give up the day job! No seriously, I sat through a bit of that Sweeney, and I've sat through several Danny Dyer films, and you can't even compare. To Danny Dyer. Or Jason Statham, even.
LOL to the person behind James C looking at his watch as he introduced old spud-face himself, Justin Timberlake. Seriously, I thought this guy's wheeze would be up years ago; he makes Spencer Pratt look attractive, and the high point of his career was splitting up with Britney before the umbrella period. All of his songs sound exactly the same. Lord knows what's going on with his hair right now. I'm guessing he's had it relaxed because we all remember the NSYNC-advert-for-Frizz-Ease stage. This twat has also got a tuba. 'So smooth'? He never used to be. You can't airbrush a hairdo like that out of history, Trousersnake.
The way Paloma Faith talks gets right on my wick, and I bet I'm not the only one. The human condition; oh go fuck yourself. She's like a human condition: dandruff. What sort of music is that anyway? The sort no one likes.
Oh dear, Ed Sheeran, ginger and that shiny suit really do not go well together. Best British Male - Ben someone. Who is this mumbler? Yeah Emeli, please do have some time off, I'm sick of the sight of you. Oh dear, my boyfriend just came in as Ed Sheeran was on TV, the one person he specifically said he would not tolerate. This Brits is actually more trouble than it's worth, it's like being caught watching some race hate or something.
Dermot and Sharon Osborne are the first two people who've turned up on that stage that I haven't felt searing hatred for. Sharon is sniffing like she's just been backstage with Conor Oberst. International Solo Artist. Anyone but Alicia Keys? I'm glad Lana Del Rey won it out of that lot. Although I'd say her bubble burst last year.
I always disliked One Direction, obviously, but at least I used to fancy Zayn. I can't even fancy him anymore since he's been revealed as a love rat. Are they murdering Blondie? Oh well, rather her than something I hold dear. They're struggling with the low notes somewhat. Oh it's a medley. Teenage Kicks as well? I'm sure Twitter is up in arms. I'm not bothered. Teenage Kicks gets on my nerves. Teenage pricks.
Sorry, I just paused to try and think of something positive to say. But I can barely breathe through my nose or mouth. Positive thoughts is just pushing it. Oh God, aren't we done with Emili Sande already? *cries*
I am ambivalent towards Jack Whitehall just because he wants everyone to hate him. Best British Live Act. Is it Muse? It normally is. Oh no, it's Coldplay. Has Chris Martin not even bothered to show up? Too busy covered in poster paint, no doubt.
OK I'm really losing the will to live now, I'm not sure I'm going to make to the end of this. Best British Single. Is it Stooshe? Isn't that the one about loving someone who beats you up? That's a good metaphor for this stupid programme. Except without the love. I've never even heard that Adele Skyfall song. She couldn't even be bothered to show up. I don't blame her. Oh how we laugh at the 'controversy' of last year. Zzzzzz.
Taylor Swift looks like she's just risen from the crypt. Oh, is that the idea? I'm seven minutes behind now and it's hard to know whether to fast forward this or the adverts. Oh, she went all Ann Summers at the end. Original! Madonna just called, she wants her panties back.
My boyfriend has just joined us with the remark: 'only a licensed cunt would watch this.' Then Robbie Williams came back on.
James Corden on Dave Grohl: 'men want to be him, women want to be with him.' I think you'll find 99 out of 100 women would rather be with Kurt Cobain's 46-year-old corpse.
I made a sandwich during James Corden's cringeworthy 'conversation' with Alt J, but they were characters weren't they? Like Union J without the looks, or a LCD Soundsystem police line-up. It was even funnier when they started talking.
Seriously, who got James Corden back after last year? He's useless. He's never made me laugh once. Ever. He makes Sam Fox look competent and Mick Fleetwood look like he can read.
My boyfriend is now declaring he is a 'war child' and watching this is worst than anything those kids went through. Ha, is that Damon Albarn. Alex James is looking rough, LOL. I'm surprised they've got Albarn back after last year. My boyfriend is now chanting 'Parklife' and going 'James Corden could do with a bit of famine.' I think it might have been easier when he was in the other room.
I just told him my Mumford and Sons joke from earlier and he went, 'Even Alex Polizzi would draw the line at this.' Have they got a ukelele? I used to think they were American, then it seemed like the fashion was slightly more forgivable. The lead singer looks like an alcoholic Tony Hadley.
'Pay some respects to Brian Ferry!' cried James Corden, to which my boyfriend replied, 'shall we start with the stag shooting, or the fact he's married to his son's girlfriend?' See, this is why I needed him here for the whole of this blog - so he could write my jokes for me.
1D win the 'Global Success' award; or as it used to be called when Russell Brand won it, 'Shagger of the Year.'
There's only one positive thing I can say about this whole affair and that was that I didn't have to look at Florence or her Machine this year. That's it.
Can you imagine how sadistic you'd have to be to watch the ITV2 show? Almost as sick as if you just ploughed through this blog, you loony. Thank you!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)