The Brits 2013: James Corden-blergh

Well, this is going well before it's even begun. One: I've got laryngitis so can't speak. Not being able to speak is rubbish. It makes me realise just how much crap I talk and how much I like giving my opinion on EVERYTHING. So I have a feeling that might make me channel all my anger through my fingertips into a giant splurge. I'm also coughing up bits of the back of my throat and look like something off the Walking Dead. I didn't even blog the Speidi doc (sob). Two: my boyfriend has stomped off into the bedroom declaring 'I won't have it on in the house.' Make that the same room. So now I've got feeling like crap, plus feeling guilty on my hands. Three: it's the Brits. It's my tradition to write a bilious blog about it, and I'll be damned if I let a horrible illness stop me. I'm already suffering, so what's a little extra?
So I heard James Corden might be ill, too, and that Chris Evans might be hosting. At least Chris Evans was relevant once, right? Even if he does write that really smug column about going to country pubs and playing golf now.
So opening the show in usual understated style is Muse. Remember Plug In Baby? That was a good song. Not sure how many light years ago that was now. I used to have a poster out of Just 17 on my wall of the guy from Muse, and he looked attractive. I'm serious!
Ugh, Corden is there. Isn't Russell Brand in the country? Shall I just say ALL THE SAME THINGS I say EVERY YEAR? Well if they will wheel out this far prick every year, what do you expect? Oh my God. Mumford and Sons. I'm strongly considering joining the resistance in the bedroom.
Mumford #1 says he 'enjoys doubling the size of the window people get to look in.' That will come in handy in your next job. I always say it, but I honestly thought they were a joke band at first, and they've done nothing to change my opinion. Plus James Corden says he loves them. Enough said. I thought he'd lost weight? Also, why have they redesigned the Brit Award as Cath Kidston's vibrator this year?
Taylor Swift. Where's Kanye on the only occasion you'd EVER need him? Cut to 1D's Harry Styles. Taylor looks like Bug Bunny. She's introducing Best British Female Solo Artist. Has anyone ever heard a Paloma Faith song? Me neither. She's just famous for wearing bits of old carpet. Amy Winehouse? Pretty sure she died over a year ago, are we that hard up? Mitch Winehouse is more relevant. Oh my god, Emile Sande. That is the worst type of music on the planet. I'd rather be forced to watch that programme about a chicken shop on a loop for 24 hours than listen to one of her pathetic, middle-of-the-road dirges. Can't WAIT for her acceptance speech! She makes Corrine Bailey Rae look like Pussy Riot. James Corden attempts to talk to those little slags out of One Direction. They are REALLY EXCITED about the tour starting. Yeah, really excited about all the pussy, to quote that little runt Styles. That's twice I've used the word 'pussy' in one paragraph now (three times, now, actually).
OMG Robbie Williams. This is too much. Someone up there is trying to finish me off. I hope he falls off that step and knocks his front teeth out. I actually mean 'breaks his neck' but I'm trying to build up to that level of vitriol, and he's stealing my thunder. Is this the 'Ring of roses' one? FFS. Shoot me now. Just take me out with the horsemeat burgers and donkey lasagnes and dump me in a fucking ditch. I should DEFINITELY have started watching this half an hour early. I've really fucked myself. There are people playing tubas onstage and Robbie Williams is still the most odious thing in sight. Revolting. Someone drop the bomb, quick, you get him and James Corden for the price of one.
What the hell has happened to Simon Pegg? He looks like a little rat. I used to like him. Back around the time I used to like Muse. And what's he doing with Liz Hurley? Best British Group. Is it someone I hate? Who the hell are Alt-J? The XX, that's a bit last year, isn't it? I'm vaguely up on new music thanks to Song Pop, now, ha. And One Direction and Mumford and Sons doesn't really cover it. Mumford and Sons sounds like a business Alex Polizzi goes to sort out on The Fixer. Like a failing furniture shop.
Nick Grimshaw: are they actively trying to put people on the stage who are more odious than James C? They still failed but only just. Best British Breakthrough. Why are there only four nominations in every category? Rita Ora's been out for ages. Seriously, is this the best they can do? Someone who looks like they're trying to cover up their bald patch with an elaborate comb-over won it.
Oh dear, I've got a bad feeling I'm not going to have a good word to say about this whole night.
Christ, Dave Grohl's just turned up plugging something or other. Kurt Cobain's 46th birthday perhaps? Cue Courtney: 'when the drummer tries to sing!!!!' LOL. It's lucky my boyfriend has left the room. He really wouldn't tolerate this. He was upset enough when Dave Grohl didn't get a slap off that deer in that 15-year-old QOTSA video. Fucking hell, is Dave Grohl sitting with Simon Cowell?
Plan B, don't give up the day job! No seriously, I sat through a bit of that Sweeney, and I've sat through several Danny Dyer films, and you can't even compare. To Danny Dyer. Or Jason Statham, even.
LOL to the person behind James C looking at his watch as he introduced old spud-face himself, Justin Timberlake. Seriously, I thought this guy's wheeze would be up years ago; he makes Spencer Pratt look attractive, and the high point of his career was splitting up with Britney before the umbrella period.  All of his songs sound exactly the same. Lord knows what's going on with his hair right now. I'm guessing he's had it relaxed because we all remember the NSYNC-advert-for-Frizz-Ease stage. This twat has also got a tuba. 'So smooth'? He never used to be. You can't airbrush a hairdo like that out of history, Trousersnake.
The way Paloma Faith talks gets right on my wick, and I bet I'm not the only one. The human condition; oh go fuck yourself. She's like a human condition: dandruff. What sort of music is that anyway? The sort no one likes.
Oh dear, Ed Sheeran, ginger and that shiny suit really do not go well together. Best British Male - Ben someone. Who is this mumbler? Yeah Emeli, please do have some time off, I'm sick of the sight of you. Oh dear, my boyfriend just came in as Ed Sheeran was on TV, the one person he specifically said he would not tolerate. This Brits is actually more trouble than it's worth, it's like being caught watching some race hate or something.
Dermot and Sharon Osborne are the first two people who've turned up on that stage that I haven't felt searing hatred for. Sharon is sniffing like she's just been backstage with Conor Oberst. International Solo Artist. Anyone but Alicia Keys? I'm glad Lana Del Rey won it out of that lot. Although I'd say her bubble burst last year.
I always disliked One Direction, obviously, but at least I used to fancy Zayn. I can't even fancy him anymore since he's been revealed as a love rat. Are they murdering Blondie? Oh well, rather her than something I hold dear. They're struggling with the low notes somewhat. Oh it's a medley. Teenage Kicks as well? I'm sure Twitter is up in arms. I'm not bothered. Teenage Kicks gets on my nerves. Teenage pricks.
Sorry, I just paused to try and think of something positive to say. But I can barely breathe through my nose or mouth. Positive thoughts is just pushing it. Oh God, aren't we done with Emili Sande already? *cries*
I am ambivalent towards Jack Whitehall just because he wants everyone to hate him. Best British Live Act. Is it Muse? It normally is. Oh no, it's Coldplay. Has Chris Martin not even bothered to show up? Too busy covered in poster paint, no doubt.
OK I'm really losing the will to live now, I'm not sure I'm going to make to the end of this. Best British Single. Is it Stooshe? Isn't that the one about loving someone who beats you up? That's a good metaphor for this stupid programme. Except without the love. I've never even heard that Adele Skyfall song. She couldn't even be bothered to show up. I don't blame her. Oh how we laugh at the 'controversy' of last year. Zzzzzz.
Taylor Swift looks like she's just risen from the crypt. Oh, is that the idea? I'm seven minutes behind now and it's hard to know whether to fast forward this or the adverts. Oh, she went all Ann Summers at the end. Original! Madonna just called, she wants her panties back.
My boyfriend has just joined us with the remark: 'only a licensed cunt would watch this.' Then Robbie Williams came back on.
James Corden on Dave Grohl: 'men want to be him, women want to be with him.' I think you'll find 99 out of 100 women would rather be with Kurt Cobain's 46-year-old corpse. 
I made a sandwich during James Corden's cringeworthy 'conversation' with Alt J, but they were characters weren't they? Like Union J without the looks, or a LCD Soundsystem police line-up. It was even funnier when they started talking.
Seriously, who got James Corden back after last year? He's useless. He's never made me laugh once. Ever. He makes Sam Fox look competent and Mick Fleetwood look like he can read.
My boyfriend is now declaring he is a 'war child' and watching this is worst than anything those kids went through. Ha, is that Damon Albarn. Alex James is looking rough, LOL. I'm surprised they've got Albarn back after last year. My boyfriend is now chanting 'Parklife' and going 'James Corden could do with a bit of famine.' I think it might have been easier when he was in the other room.
I just told him my Mumford and Sons joke from earlier and he went, 'Even Alex Polizzi would draw the line at this.' Have they got a ukelele? I used to think they were American, then it seemed like the fashion was slightly more forgivable. The lead singer looks like an alcoholic Tony Hadley.
'Pay some respects to Brian Ferry!' cried James Corden, to which my boyfriend replied, 'shall we start with the stag shooting, or the fact he's married to his son's girlfriend?' See, this is why I needed him here for the whole of this blog - so he could write my jokes for me.
1D win the 'Global Success' award; or as it used to be called when Russell Brand won it, 'Shagger of the Year.'
There's only one positive thing I can say about this whole affair and that was that I didn't have to look at Florence or her Machine this year. That's it.
Can you imagine how sadistic you'd have to be to watch the ITV2 show? Almost as sick as if you just ploughed through this blog, you loony. Thank you!