I did this last year, so that makes this a tradition now, right? And I'm not blogging the Christmas soaps. Hopefully I'll be too drunk to. What does Reggie Yates do the rest of the year, I wonder? Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstal's let himself go, too.
Cee Lo Green. Who's he? Isn't he that Gnarls Barkley guy? I've never heard this song before in my life, and there's nothing funny to say about it. Hold on, he just said 'Xbox or Atari'. I got an XBox for Christmas. Woo.
I don't know who Ellie Goulding is. But I know she does an Elton John song. She's gurning a bit. She looks a bit blokey, like she should be in an unfunny BBC sitcom or something. I think I prefer Diane Vickers, and I can't stand Diane Vickers. My mum's verdict: 'she's average looking, an average singer, yet she's doing brilliant. I don't get it.'
Jason Derulo. Who's that? Oh my God, I don't know any of these people. I am out of touch. Thank fuck. It's like (Fl)Usher. Mum's comment: 'he's trying to fill Michael Jackson's gap.' Oo-er. These lasers make me think something good should be happening. But it isn't.
Katy Perry can't sing Firework, which is unfortunate. Half the song is too low, half is too high. The result is a struggle. Plus this song sucks shit. She's doing that thing where you give the mic to the crowd because you can't sing a note. Courtney did that a lot when I saw her this year (but Courtney's allowed).
Olly Murs. Do we really need a new UB40? Who decided on this cod-reggae direction for him? It's not even the one about the crab. Do-be-do-be-do-bop. Fuck off.
STOP TELLING ME WHAT'S COMING UP, IT MAKES ME WANT TO TURN OFF. Who is Eliza Dolittle? Is it Martine Mcutcheon? OMFG this song is so annoying. Double Bass on stage equals The Loop equals time to go to the bar. Every sane Morrissey fan knows that. I don't think a bikini is suitable attire for Christmas day. Eliza looks like Lady Sov. Tweet tweet tweet- buzz off.
Scouting for Girls. Best remembered for being on a documentary moaning about illegal downloading of their turgid music. I think the aviator jacket is out of fashion already. If it wasn't, it is now. This is the worst thing that's been on so far, and it's had some stiff competition.
Oh god, not this fucking Flood song again. Take That. They've been everywhere this year; the country's been riddled with their floodfloodfloodfloodfloodflood. My mum just came and made a sarcastic comment about Robbie Williams because she knows how much I want to stove his face in with an iron. I wish there had been 'more of them than us' and they'd got a proper beating that put them in traction for a few months.
Tinie Tempah. He's got so many clothes he keeps some at his aunt's house. He's just got this one song, innit. Should have kept Matt Cardle's trousers at his aunt's house, too. Not just as good as Dizzie Rascal. Is that Johnny Marr on the guitar? I wouldn't put anything past that old cunt. We like the cup of tea drum skin, that's about it.
JLS. Don't like them since that one dumped her out of The Saturdays. She was The One! how can we trust another word out of their lying little mouths? This song is dreary, too. No, this song is insipid. It's a shame my mum's buggered off as I'm sure she'd have a few words to say about it.
Plan B. Have you ever seen him in the same room as Graham from Corrie? Have you? Have you? He has a lady's voice. This is the best song so far, and I don't actually like it. Where is the rock and indie this Christmas? Graham does scrub up nice, though. Perhaps he's due in court.
Coldplay. I don't mind this song but I prefer the Killers Christmas song, which in turn is not as good as 'A Great Big Sled'. He's still waiting for the snow to fall. Are him and Gwinnie in the Caribbean, we're awash with the fucking stuff. I watched Sliding Doors the other night, was quite good, except John Hannah has a face like a chewed lightbulb. Still, Chris Martin isn't much better. Should have stuck with Brad.
Chris Martin is looking a bit like Frankie Boyle today. Hope he does a racist joke at the end of this song. Just for the look on Apple's face. Kevin Webster is in the audience and seems to be enjoying himself- well, he's had a tough year.
And to top it all off, Matt Cardie hasn't even bothered to show up. Probably because he hadn't won when they filmed it. By next year, he'll be but a memory.
I hope my dinner is ready now, because I'm due a drink. Have a good one... now turn over quick, The Queen's on.