Review: RoboCop 2014

I took my boyfriend on a date to see the new RoboCop last night! Oh the romance. And on the bus home I broke the news to my boyfriend about the Morrissey, Cliff Richard and Tom Jones gig, which I still won’t believe is real until I see it, and I also refuse to see it, so in my mind it will just remain a bad dream, even though everyone is talking about it and laughing at me. Well, ha bloody ha.  

NB: This blog will contain very mild spoilers. But it’s a blog about a new film, what do you expect!?

Anyway, RoboCop. RoboCop is my boyfriend’s favourite film and I think he must have seen it 500 times. I have seen it with him about 15 times and I still can’t remember what happens half the time, but he does, going, ‘this is a good bit coming up’ every five minutes. A lot of people seem to be being quite prissy and precious about this new RoboCop, ‘oh it’s a PG’, ‘oh, his suit is black’, ‘oh it’s not a satire’ but my boyfriend was just like, ‘It’s ROBOCOP!’

The added bonus for all straight women and gay and bi men (inclusive!) going to watch the film, is the new RoboCop is played by Swedish hottie Joel Kinnaman. If you’ve not watched the US version of The Killing, you’ve missed out on him playing a reformed-junkie cop who talks like a bad rapper, yet there is something so endearingly warm about him you just want to sit in a police car smoking fags in the pouring rain with him, whilst young girls get murdered all around you.

The new RoboCop director José Padilha obviously thought the same, as he gives Joel the same accent in this role, oh and he’s a cop, as well, as the title suggests. Typecast? Who cares. I was worried Joel doesn’t quite have the lips for the role (RoboCop needs a good pair of lips, as that’s the only bit you can see most of the time) but luckily he has his visor up quite a lot so we can look at his lovely face. Although the bit where you see he’s just a head, lungs and a hand is a bit off-putting. How are you going to have robosex at this rate (come on, it’s what everyone is thinking)?

I’m going to fess up now and say despite being forced to watch the original many times, the only things that really stick in my mind about it is that robot going nutso at the beginning and the sad bit when RoboCop (the dude) dies. The new film does not follow the same plot but has lots of elements the same.

Samuel L Jackson is exactly as you’d expect him to be as the news anchor championing RoboCops. I liked the start where they showed the how the robots worked in Tehran. I liked all the bits where Joel Kinnaman was human. I didn’t even mind the one flashbacky/dream bit as I got to see his real body again. His wife is lovely but dull, which is a bit of a shame, especially as there is a strong female character in the original RoboCop.

Gary Oldman plays the doctor who puts Alex Murphy back together after something bad happens to him (different to the original) and Michael Keaton is the mastermind trying to market the cops in America. Both actors can be annoying at times, and good in other things (Gary Oldman will never top Drexel in True Romance, for example: ‘It aint white boy day, is it?’) but both were reliable in this.

For a PG I thought the film was still quite violent, but less bloody and probably less scary than the original. As you’d expect, it focuses more on the action and things blowing up.

The black suit WAS a bit crap, I preferred the original, but I didn’t mind the motorbike. We laughed a few times ‘I’m in marketing!’ but it probably wasn’t as funny as the original.

It felt like quite a long film but didn’t drag at all, unlike most long films I’ve watched lately that could have done with a bloody good edit (Hunger Games 2 – Catching Fire, for example, could have happily lost the first 45 minutes).

I was a bit wary of seeing this film as out of the corner of my eye I had seen hints of some duff reviews, but I enjoyed it much more than I expected. I like sci fi, I like futuristic things, and I like Joel Kinnaman, so I was sold. My boyfriend also enjoyed it, and he actually knows about these things, so STFU Robosnobs.

My view on remakes is the same as cover versions: if you’re going in wanting the same as the original, just watch or listen to the original. A cover version should offer us a different take on a song, just ask Darius, or more sensibly, see The Killers version of the Bright Eyes song Four Winds. I’m talking taking a country song and turning it electro. Nice. That’s what the RoboCop reboot does; it takes a classic, and presents it to you in a different way. If you’re the kind of movie snob who has made their mind up going in that it’s going to be crap, then yes, you’ll probably find plenty to bitch and moan about. But I’m a person who was glad to see Big Brother picked up by Channel 5, even if it was an inferior version (at first) because I LOVE BIG BROTHER, like my boyfriend LOVES ROBOCOP. So if you love RoboCop, why not be pleased to see him again, black suit or otherwise?

Having said this, I thought Rec 3 was more entertaining than Rec 1, so you probably can’t trust my opinion on anything. Rec 2 is obviously the best though; ‘RELAX!’ *hides behind pillow*

Film: Catfish

OMG! This film was amazing. Talk about a slow burn. It's a great story, and it definitely won't be to everyone's taste, but I really liked it. It's true, the less you know about it the better. I'd suggest probably not reading this if you are going to watch it, because I'm going to have to spoiler a little bit to even talk about it. So don't read this- go and watch it! I mean it; don't read this if you're gonna watch it.

STOP.

It starts slow, but it's really tense when it kicks off about 20 minutes in. I felt tense for about half an hour during the middle. The dynamic once it becomes clear what's happening is really freaky and intriguing and incredibly sad. A lot is unsaid.
This film is for anyone who's ever been lied to on the internet. And I have. I went out with a bloke once who was courting four other girls at the same time on a messageboard I frequented. And one of them was in Australia! More fool me.
The main guy in this film, Nev, is such a dude, charming, beautiful, and ultimately extremely kind and understanding. He had every right to go completely insane. This story could have ended very, very differently.
It must have hurt him to be so cool about everything. He got totally done over. I liked the bit where he read out the 'sexy' texts. He had balls to do that.
I wonder how Angela felt when they turned up on her doorstep? She must have shit herself. I don't blame her for falling in love with him, I think I've fell in love with him a bit. Those teeth and brown eyes were just a killer combination, and I even liked his hairy chest when just got out of bed. It must have hurt her to not be what he wanted her to be. The internet is cruel; charm isn't awarded unless you got something to back it up.
Ultimately, this film tells a sad story, of a sad woman who just wanted a bit of escape. Who wouldn't want to live in a fantasy world? And she was definitely creative; in more ways than one. And she was still lying to his face whilst confessing! I think she was just a bit mental; but who could blame her?
You think her partner Vince would be more pissed off about the whole situation, really. He took it all pretty well, too.
I cried at the end, obv. I'll be your facebook friend, Nev. I'm 24, five foot eight with long dark hair, I'm a keen gymnast and I play the clarinet. I think we're gonna get on great.

Film review: 127 Hours

Is a film worth watching if you know how it ends before you watch it? Depends, I suppose. Personally I enjoy real-life drama, and real-life horror, so this film appealed to me. In case you've been hiding under a rock (I DEFINITELY can't be the first person to make that joke) it's about this dude played by James Franco his name) who gets his hand trapped under a boulder whilst out exploring a massssssive canyon (where? I dunno. But it looks rather cool).
The film is directed by Danny Boyle, who flush from Slumdog Millionaire, gets rather excited with this film.
In my opinion, he should have stripped it right back. Instead, he goes a bit overboard with wide shots of the scenery, fancy camera-work, overly-sentimental flashbacks and ridiculous fantasy sequences (dur, I know he didn't dislodge the boulder by getting rained on because he *SPOILER* cuts his own arm off). Do we care about the shadowy girlfriend figure? No, because we learn fuck-all about her. I personally would have gone for keeping the camera solely on James Franco, and made more of the video camera/ his internal monologue etc. Who cares if that's not what happened? Something tells me he didn't really hallucinate a giant inflatable Scooby Doo either.
I watched this film called Buried recently, which is about a bloke who wakes up buried in a coffin and the whole thing is just him inside the coffin, and it's very oppressive and pretty harrowing. I think Boyle should have gone for a similar tact. I think more should have been made of the panic and the slow realisation that he was going to die there unless he did something seriously drastic.
James Franco is quite good; he's like Heath Ledger meets Josh Hartnett but a bit more annoying.
The arm-sawing is pretty good- very gory if you like that sort of thing. Let's face it, it's the moment we've all been waiting for. The fact this his 'younger self' was sat watching him cheapened it a bit; just lazy TV-movie tactics. Slumdog was almost perfect; violent, romantic, featuring Who Wants to Be a Millionaire; it feels like this should have been as good.
I enjoyed this film, but I think someone needed to tell Danny Boyle that the story was strong enough in itself without the soap-opera this-is-how-you're-meant-to-feel-about-this histrionics. Still, amazing story.

Film: Four Lions

I watched Four Lions last night with my one friend in Brighton at the very cool Duke of York cinema. At least I hope it's called that- I'm writing this on my phone so can't check.
Four Lions, in case you don't know, is Chris Morris's latest baby: a comedy about some Bradford-based terrorists threatening to blow up the London marathon.
On the whole I very much enjoyed it: the cast were good, particularly the main dude (wikepedia this ain't) and matey bloke from Phone/facejacker. I like facejacker bloke, he's fit and pretty talented. My boyfriend and I can't stop laughing a Brian Bedenday even though it's not actually funny. But putting B at the start of words is just somehow very childishly amusing. I digress.
Oh, and amira from Eastenders is in it doing a bad northern accent and seeming blissfully happy about her husbands plan to blow himself up.
I thought the film started strong (the terror videos etc), sagged a little in the middle, and then I felt genuinely excited at the end. It's funny how you can find yourself half rooting for a loveable terrorist, yet still feel horrified when they run bomb-laden into a crowd.
The relationships are what made the film, and the love between the two brothers was the crux. It was quite moving (if wholly unrealistic) when hero-terrorist went to say goodbye to Amira and said 'i'll see you on the top floor'.
There were lots of LOLS- Alton Towers, sheep & crows to name but three. Chris Morris does miss the mark from time to time and sometimes I think his jokes are a bit duff but I'm sure he'd say the same about me, if he was one of the dwindling amount of people who actually read my ramblings. Anyway: I'm getting a lovely new netbook so i can blog on the train (the commuting is killing my creativity somewhat) and plan to blog my socks off over the last BB so stay tuned.
PS. Don't be offended by four lions. It's silly and sweet.

Film: District 'fooking' 9

Wow, District 9 was amazing! I think it's probably the best film I've seen all year. Set in Johannesburg, and staring unknowns, it is about a bunch of fairly benign aliens living in a slum, and being relocated due to humans not liking them very much. It is shot in the style of a documentary to a large extent, and reminded me very much of Starship Troupers, and a quite a bit of Terminator, but with more of a heart. It's a right mixture actually; of social commentary, action, sci-fi and the essential, great storytelling.
The film drags you in right from the start, with no dull build up. You get to see the aliens straight away, and you are expected to get up to speed with the facts of the situation in the first five minutes, which I liked. It was non-patronising and kept your interest right from the start (unlike, say paranormal Activitzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz).
Whilst there were the obvious political issues of race and immigration floating around, they were present, but not 'rammed down your throat' as The Daily Mail would say, patronisingly.
I really liked the main guy in it, he was a great actor and played a brilliant role; multi-faceted character, unlikeable in the extreme at first (not least due to his accent) but extremely believable as his character went from annoying everyman to desperate fugitive. He really made you give a shit about his character, and it made me laugh every time he said 'fuck' as 'fook'- he sounded Scottish through and through. We even checked the end credits to see if he WAS Scottish. The South African accent is crazy.
The other excellent thing were the aliens; they looked a bit cheapy at first, but due to clever characterisation through the subtitles 'fuck off!' and various outfits, I really grew to love them. I like the fact the hero alien was called Christopher, and the kiddy alien is beyond cute. Christopher's bomber jacket was also totally chi-chi.
The main part of this film is total bang bang, explosion, robot/ alien action fighting, which sounds awful on paper, but was really exciting due to the script being really smart and interesting.
I thought the spaceship just hovering in the sky throughout was also a clever device, as it was like 'the elephant in the room' and you were just waiting for it to all kick off.
The set up for the sequel was so laboured it was almost beyond belief, but I'll forgive 'em cos I want to see that sequel!
If you don't watch this film, you're mad.

Film: Paranormal Activity

Last night I watched Paranormal Activity (clunky title), a film touted as the scariest thing EVER and certain to keep you awake at night. So I was pretty excited.
Paranormal Activity has been promoted as an on-the-cheap work of genius, made for 9K and made 50 million dollars at the box office, a Blair Witch for the zeros, a handheld horror that is really gonna shit us up.
But no. For starters, it is SLOW. Really slow. It clocks in at 1.37 and they could have cut it to an hour and it would have still been a little flabby. The couple are unlikeable. Not a problem in a way; let’s watch them suffer. But they are actually really annoying. The girl is whiney, and the boyfriend is a complete idiot- and I mean an utter tosser. To the pair of them: Just LEAVE THE HOUSE. Get in the car and GO.
Nothing happens for at least half an hour (and I’m being generous), and when it does, it’s just a few bumps, interspersed with the pair of them arguing and moaning. The psychic guy isn’t much bloody use either. There are a couple of bits later on that will make you jump, and the end is quite sinister, but it wasn’t worth it.
Good things; a female lead who is normal-sized and the house is quite scary. That’s about it. It’s just nowhere near frightening enough. I want to be terrifed!
This reminded me of Rec. in that there was too much chat, not enough horror/ fear. For handheld camera joy, go see Cloverfield if you haven’t already. For genuine terror, go watch Eden Lake. Then never go to the shops again, as the sight of a chav will give you a panic attack.
No idea why this has got such good reviews. I’ve seen it all a million times, and the story line isn’t that well realised either. The ‘this film is gleaned from police video’ schtick might have worked on a 90s audience; we’re a bit too knowing now. Personally, I prefer Paranormal Attack.

Film review: Bruno

Another Big Brother blog? Ich don't think so!
I don't read reviews of films I'm going to go and see because I like to make my own mind up, but was seriously concerned when reverse-taste barometer Christopher Tookey in the Daily Mail gave Bruno four stars. How!? He hates everything, especially anything with a whiff of gay in the vicinity! Also, there were various tweets in the air saying it was crap/funny, so I wasn't sure quite what we were going to get. So what was (my version of) the truth?
First, I don't like Bruno's new hair. I liked his old hair! I enjoyed the opening music of Euro-trance, and the fashion bits were really good. I think there should have been more of him crucifying the fashion industry, but I guess people are too aware of him now. Plus the plot line is him losing his fashion credentials...
I thought the story had a very similar structure to Borat; the love story, the set ups (obviously) and the big bang at the end (and I don't mean Bono being unnecessarily shoe-horned in).
It was a LOT more graphic that Borat; the sexual stuff was pretty outrageous, but very funny. I cried with laughter watching Borat; I think I was cringing more during Bruno- setting up that politician was just horrendous, and that swingers party was just disturbing.
The audacity of him going out to Iraq was bloody amazing; I mean, Sasha Baron Cohen is BRAVE. The shit that he gets up to is unreal. The talk show was mainly just funny, and a lot of bits did seem completely set up (ie. fake), but when he visited the psychic!!! Oh my god. Words fail me. He has got some balls as an actor. As for those parents selling their babies down the river; are we really surprised?
At times the film felt a little thrown together and it seemed to whizz-by. There was nothing as brilliant as Borat butchering the US national anthem, and THAT naked fight in the hotel, but the wrestling match almost got there. It was just brilliant; totally bold, quite moving and definitely dangerous! It felt like a real message; like it totally blew the redneck mind apart. And if it makes one ignorant bonehead think twice, then hurrah.
Sasha Baron Cohen has been recycling decade old ideas for so long; he must be bursting with new characters and comedy; and I'm looking forward to them. Let's just hope he doesn't shoehorn Isla Fisher in.

Film: [Rec]

I finally watched Rec last night, a Spanish horror film that apparently 'is what Cloverfield dreamt of being'. Well I still like Cloverfield better, but Rec was creepier.
The film follows a TV crew filming firemen out on a job, in which they get called to a house where an old woman has gone crazy. I won't ruin it too much, but the firemen, journalist and all the tenants of the building find themselves locked in, with the building sealed off by the authorities, with no explanation.
It is filmed on a handheld camera by a character we never get to see, and we are taken through the action by the very cute TV reporter, who seems more excited than frightened by the turn of events for the first two thirds of the film- the latter part, she's perhaps wishing they'd gone to rescue a cat from up a tree.
There was definitely a lull in the middle where nothing seemed to happen for at least 15 minutes, but then when the action started again, it was horrifically relentless. I screamed very loudly at one point so I'm glad I was in my bedroom rather than the cinema.
The ending reveals a character who is is creepier than anything the Blair Witch project could offer up and whom I'm sure will be featuring in my nightmares very shortly.
The end seemed inevitable, and I guessed the cause of the mayhem, but was well executed, and genuinely frightening. A million times better than The Orphanage, if you don't mind subtitles it's definitely worth watching.

Film review: Twilight

I watched Twilight at the weekend, mainly because my best friend is obsessed with Robert Pattinson; I mean, the books! Personally haven't read the books this film is based on, but everyone loves a vampire, don't they?
This film is very much in the vein of Interview with a Vampire, i.e. a literary love story rather than a gore-fest. A lot hinges on English actor Robert Pattinson's performance and sex appeal; if you don't like moody, skinny white blokes, then you'll probably not be fussed. I love moody, skinny white blokes, so I was quite happy. Robert plays Edward, who lives with his anaemic-looking family and doesn't mix much with the other kids at high school, until Bella arrives in town. She is almost as pale as him, quite indie, and fancies a bit. And why not? Edward positively smoulders throughout the film, as much as you can smoulder when you have to avoid the sunshine. He is a most unusual-looking person, and he definitely has something very compelling about him. He is perfectly cast in this film.
There are two aberrations from usual vampire rules; these ones CAN go in the sunshine, but they glow like they've eaten too much Ready-Brek. Also they CAN die; but they have to be ripped to pieces. Nice.
Talking of the glowing, some of the special effects in this film were rather... speci-a-l, as we say, when things are none too special. The bit where they climb up the tree was rather cheapy; I've seen more realistic blue-screen on Torchwood (not really, I wouldn't watch Torchwood if you paid me). But it didn't really matter. The big fight screen was effective, and the film was beautifully shot in pale, twilighty tones, that set the mood from the get-go.
Almost everyone was good-looking in this film, including the baddie vampire, who I quite fancied. It was fast-paced and interesting throughout, and my friend says, fairly loyal to the book.
Things were left very much open at the end, leaving us eagerly awaiting the sequel.
Is it for teenage girls? Maybe. But so's Josh Hartnett, and I like a bit of that, too.
Wipe off that fake tan and join the emos.

Film: The Wackness

'I just see the dopeness, you just see the wackness.' I don't remember ever talking like this in the 90s but hey, it's still a good line.
Someone either recommended this film to me, or I read somewhere that it was good, and I can't remember which. Either way, it's about a weed dealer and set in the 90s. I do associate weed dealing quite heavily with the 90s, but then I had a peculiar upbringing.
It's quite slow-paced; kind of like 8 Mile meets The Garden State; of which I liked both. The Eminem-style character who likes his hippity-hop is very easy on the eye. Ben Kingsley plays his psychiatrist, and he pays him in bags of weed. Even though I don't really like hip hop, the soundtrack was good, and used quite effectively I thought. I liked the mentions of Kurt Cobain and mixtapes and the lack of mobiles; that's how it was in the 90s, kids.
Is it an urban myth that a lot of dealers pose as ice-cream sellers? I'm sure I've heard that on many occasions but I've never offered anything more potent than a Nobbly-Bobbly from Mario's Ices.
I had this feeling that something bad was going to happen all the way through as it all seemed too floaty and easy. Plus those black guys with the guns looked a bit menacing at the beginning, and you know, drug dealers should get their comeuppance and all that rubbish.
Actually, it turned out to be about friendship/ coming of age and all that caboodle. Quite nice really.

Film: A Complete History of My Sexual Failures

I watched this film today, which was a documentary following a slacker-type guy called Chris (who had an echo of Kurt Cobain about him), who had been dumped by every girlfriend he'd had and could no longer get it up.
The film came to rather a big snag early on when none of his ex girlfriends wanted to be on film. He eventually persuaded a couple of them who he went out with quite young. Both of them were quite smug and looked years older than him, even if they did have big, bland houses. I think he had a lucky escape with those ones. Unfortunately later on he met up with some of his exes who he had clearly done serious wrong by, and they were interesting, attractive and independent.
I thought the film was slow and relentlessly depressing for some time. Chris was a pretty unlikeable character, in my opinion, I didn't feel he had much charm, he just stumbled from one crisis to the next. I don't mind a scruffy bloke, but having to get his mum in to clean pubes from round his toilet was a step too far. Not appealing.
He didn't seem to have a lot of answers as to WHY he was such a dick. Why didn't he reply to Olivia's love letters? Why did he propose to one girlfriend and then never set a date for the wedding? That particular girlfriend still lived in the flat they'd shared and it was probably the most interesting part of the film as they cried together. How silly of him to declare himself still in love with her, when she was pregnant. It was textbook teenager behaviour, and just emphasised how emotionally immature he was.
The film lost it in the middle; first with his trip to the dungeon (how would getting his arse smacked and his dick twisted help him get a hard on?) and then when he decided to deal with his erectile dysfunction by doing a whole packet of Viagra. I thought it was pretty insane. Can't you have a heart attack like that? When he ran out of the streets begging people to fuck him I thought that was tantamount to sexual assault; I would have punched him in the face had he approached me like that. He lost all of my sympathy at that point.
Yet incredibly, he met his next girlfriend this way! And she was really good-looking and had a good job as a journalist. I was glad the film cheered up a bit, but it seemed a little too neat.
All in all Chris reminded me of the kind of person you know who just won't grow up, and who blames other people for all their problems. I think the film was meant to be funny, but I didn't laugh very much. It just made me realise how stupid men can be in relationships. And how much women have to put up with. (insert sexism complaint here!)

Film Review: Wall-E

Last night I ventured back to the wilds of Holloway to watch Wall-E. An annoying ‘how-do-you-pronounce it?’ title, but I do like my animation, and was intrigued by the papers bigging it up as a ‘masterpiece’. I saw it compared to classics like ET and Finding Nemo. In reality, I liked the much maligned Speed Racer more, so that says something (something bad).
Wall-E the character is alright, but not very chatty. I do find it hard to get into a film with little dialogue, I must admit, like that bloody Tom Hanks film where he’s friends with that ball.
Wall-E spends his time sifting through other people’s rubbish (OPR, as my ex with a penchant for skips used to call it), on an abandoned earth. I liked Wall-E’s bedroom, it reminded me of mine, adorned with fairy lights and assorted plastic tat. But he lacks originality, coming off like a cut-price Johnny 5, and his girlfriend looks like this toy I got for Christmas that I thought was cutting edge back in 1985. The artists could have used their imagination slightly more. I hate the way the humans look too. I hate the way Pixar do humans. Everything’s either cutesy or grotesque, there’s no middle-ground.
I liked the fact Eve the female lead was a bit trigger-happy and angry rather than a simpering pink robot with eyelashes and a bow in her hair, but she wasn’t amazing. Wall-E wasn’t either, in fact I thought he was a little bit creepy with his penchant for hand holding (even when Eve looked pretty dead at times).
I watched this film last night and already I can’t remember what happened, really. It was pretty, and cute, and sentimental, but it left no lasting impression one way or the other. It didn’t have the characterisation or emotion of ET or Nemo. There was something just a bit clunky about the script.
I think in the end I just found this film a bit too robot-y. It lacked a bit of heart.

Film Review: Teeth

Two films in one weekend? That's a big commitment if you're me and have the attention span of an idiot. I downloaded Teeth after hearing about it's 'unusual' storyline- namely that of a girl with a vagina that bites bloke's dicks off. Yummy!
So it was part horror/ part comedy. It was quite slow to start I thought (maybe a bit of dick-chomping action to kick off might have been nice) but once things started happening (in the cave!) it picked up. I liked the boyfriend! He was cute. But he got what he deserved! Hehehe. The special effects were pretty good, his severed penis looked extremely realistic (puke!)
I did want to SEE the teeth in the vagina, sick as I am. And why did she peel that sticker off the drawing of the fanny in her science book when she could have just looked at a diagram online?
There was a weird subplot with her brother (stepbrother, I hope) doing girls up the arse because he was scared of fanny (since hers bit his finger when he was little). He was a very unpleasant character, and not in the slightest bit realistic. But there you go. Why was he touching her bits in the first place? I definitely did NOT play tha game when I was a nipper.
It did raise some interesting questions. Why was virtually every bloke she encountered a rapist or sex offender (including her doctor!)? Are all men potential rapists? Was the film written by a radical feminist? It seemed a TAD harsh! But I must admit, it would be pretty cool to bite someone's dick off with your vagina. It is the ultimate self-defence.
Definitely worth a watch if you're not squeamish, if you are, I wouldn't want to be eating when she shags the ugly guy with the long hair. My eyes! That was revolting. I'd have nightmares about that if I was a bloke.
So yeah, vaginas and penises! Cool, if I put loads of sex words in my blog, I get loads more hits! *tags lots of naughty words*

Film Review: Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay

I'd been dying to see this as I loved Harold and Kumar Get The Munchies (or Harold and Kumar go to White Castle, as it was called in the US), a film solely about them getting stoned and going to buy a burger. And of course the premise of them escaping from Guantanamo was amusingly offensive, although actually it turned out to be a little confused.
I liked the fact that this film began right where the original ended, despite the fact Kumar looked like he'd put on two stone, and they both looked like they'd aged, well, about two years. The whole bong/ bomb premise was pretty funny, but they weren't actually IN Guantanamo for very long, were they? That security wasn't all it was cracked up to be. I found the detective guy sort of annoying but he was funny at times. The racial stereotypes that were parodied in the film was done cleverly, I enjoyed the basketball playing orthodontist.
There seemed rather more toilet humour in this sequel than the first film, and there is definitely a degree of sexism (the fanny party springs to mind) but they get away with it because they are just utterly likeable anti-heroes. I really liked the scene where they were younger and in the library- Harold looked hot as an emo-kid.
I thought it got slightly over-ridiculous when they went to that redneck's house and he lived in some slickly furnished place, but had a cyclops child in the basement (what?!)
I enjoyed the Doogie Howser unicorn bit, though. The end was ridiculously stupid (George Bush) and made me LONG to go to Amsterdam again!
I must admit, this wasn't as funny as the original film, and seemed directly ripped off from it in places, but really, it was just nice to have them back again.

Film Review: Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of The Crystal Skull

The only thing I ever liked about Indiana Jones was the young pre-dead River Phoenix. Oh and the polystyrene (let's face it) ball rolling bit. But a bit of shlock every now and again (ha! every hour of every day) does no one any harm.
I've not read any reviews of this so I had no idea what the general consensus is (always the best way). At first I thought Hans Solo did look a bit past it, he seemed to have his trousers up really high and was shuffling around a bit. But he warmed up after about ten minutes, and pretty soon he looked about 45 again. Quite impressive for an old dude really, even if he is a little jowly now. Shea Le Bouffant was another story, I thought he was pretty dreadful, Hollywood's very own Stephen Beale. He has a peculiar face, let's face it, he's not in River's league, looks or acting-wise. Mind you EVERYONE'S acting was wooden for the first twenty minutes or so. Cate (Kate? Don't make me look it up) Blanchett's accent was very ropey initially but she settled into it. Jim Robinson only had about two lines and fucked them right up, mate.
But anyway, I'm picking holes. If I wanted to pendantic it up, the ridiculous plot would probably be a good place to start, but that would just make me sound like Christopher Tookey (your favourite fascist film reviewer c/o The Daily Mail). So instead, you might as well just go along for the ride, which I did. The film is well-paced, entertaining, non-draggy with some funny moments (the motorbike chase at the start and the monkey bit were pretty good). I liked the alien theme, and the crystal skull looked very cool. There was a lot of action, the sets were spectacular, and thankfully George Lucas and his freaky beard-as-jawline didn't fuck it up too much (although those moles at the start had his grubby hands all over them).
It does remind you of being a kid and all that Goonies-esque action. It wasn't toooooo cheesy although it walked the line a little at times.
All in all an enjoyable, mindless romp. And why not?
Conclusion: I'd still rather do Ford than La BOOF!

Film Review: Speed Racer

So about a month ago I was invited to a free screening of this but didn't quite make it (mainly due to it starting at 10am on a Sunday morning and my plus one getting bumped). However, my boyfriend really wanted to see it so he got us tickets to see it at the Imax in Waterloo tonight. I can't say I was OVERLY enthused but he was paying, so what the hell.
It actually was pretty good. The Imax itself is bizarre; a self-aggrandising trailer introduces the film, banging on about how great the sound is, and how crisp the picture is, a little like I imagine Russell Brand rates himself as he's talking you into bed. Yeah the screen is bigger, but you get used to it in about 25 seconds.
So, Speed Racer= Mario Kart + Wacky Races. The script is pretty bad, but laughably so, and less cheesy than say, Independence Day. The special effects/ graphics were really good, like a Manga cartoon on acid. It reminded me a bit of The Cat in The Hat, which also got panned, but I really enjoyed at the time. I loved the sets too, I want to live in an orange house, and hang out with Christina Ricci. I thought Speed Racer kid was quite cute at first but then he verged a bit too much towards Tom Cruise/ Superman cheese territory so I went off him a bit. I love Christina Ricci, obviously, she has the best face ever, but she looked spookily similar to his mum (Susan Sarandon) in this. His little brother appeared to be played by Corey Feldman Stand by Me era/ Chunk from The Goonies. Wasn't too impressed with the chimpanzee character though; haven't they ever seen Monkey Business? Chimps belong in the jungle, not wearing pyjamas in films (mind you, they were cool pyjamas).
Plot holes: yes, but who cares? It was visually a smack in the face, but a good one. I can't stand racing/ car chases normally but the special effects were good enough to make it a visual treat. I wish the world was this colourful. What was the drinking milk thing about? Weird.
The baddie reminded me of David Mitchell playing the evil vicar in Mitchell & Webb... which made him more comical than bad. And what was with all the clockwork-orange style English baddies (with bad teeth naturally)? Racists! I also spotted Ferdy from This Life as one of the commentators. The Japanese guy was quite cute. In fact everyone was quite cool looking really, I liked the way it was all spliced together and the costumes were cool. It took me a while to twig that bloke from Lost, although obviously the 'twist' was blindingly obvious to all (good plastic surgery though- did he have his voice done too?)
The film was overlong and a bit hackneyed, and perhaps a bit violent for kids? But generally it was a LOT better than I expected it to be. Apparently it's either getting slated or raved about- well I fall somewhere in between.
Good at the Imax, probably less good as a dodgy bootleg. So yeah, give your money to The Man, just like this film tells you not to.

Film Review: The Orphanage

Well, I've been meaning to watch this for two weeks now after a hearty recommendation from my best friend and a gushing review on The Culture Show. Which leaves me asking, can I have those two hours of my life back? And can I trust either of these sources for information EVER AGAIN?
The first hour of this film was so boring it made my three-hour round trip to the vet on Saturday seem like a free weekend in Las Vegas. I was hopeful it might pick up after that as I'd been told it was so scary it would make me jump (repeatedly) and was so good at the end that Mark Kermode off The Culture Show was moved to tears. I was prepared with a cushion to hide behind and everything. Instead it was just another hour of tedium, with a mild feeling of depression at the end. No jumping. No thrills. I've been more scared watching Most Haunted Live.
I should have known really, as it was by the same director as Pan's Labyrinth which promised to be magical and instead was dreary and wrist-slashing. The Orphanage promised to be frightening and was instead dreary, cliched and slower than Jade Goody. And why were those kids terrorising her anyway? Surely they were her buddies at the orphanage? Also, the last thing she did to her boy was whack him one, so I think the finger of suspicion probably could have swung her way a bit more.
I like my horror films to be REALLY scary... not gory, but to at least get your heart beating. To at least make you care. This was just an unsettling mix of creepiness, mild gore, and the very worst of things, sentimentality. This film was ten million times less frightening, original or interesting as the most basic of scaries like The Ring or even bloody Final Destination (which is brilliant!). I don't think I would have been remotely scared by this even as a child.
What I don't get is... why did this get such good reviews? Am I missing some vital bit of my brain? Or do I just have the most basic of attention spans?
Whichever way you look at it, I'm right, and if you like this, you're wrong.

Film Review: Cloverfield

Going to the cinema these days feels about as relevant setting your video to tape TFI Friday. Like visiting Blockbusters or HMV, you can hear the death knell ringing. Which is sad. I quite like the cinema. Especially on Orange Wednesdays.
Hint- arrive late and you can miss the awful, patronising advert about being respectful on the bus (and telling men to give up their seat for women! Do women not have legs too?) Oh and that advert where it's the woman's fault the bloke crashes his car. No, HE'S the one driving, you sexist pigs so fuck off.
Yes, arrive late for all that, and you might find yourself watching Cloverfield, as I did last night. And it was DAMN good! A proper monster horror. There is just the right amount of getting to know the characters and finding them a bit irritating at the start before the Statue of Liberty gets her head ripped off. And I'm only telling you that bit cos it's in the trailer.
My main worry was that we wouldn't get to see the monster, or the monster would be shit. But the monster was amazing! Really scary and great special effects. I was expecting a godzilla-esque thing, not an alien/spider/dinosaur doodah. The film races along at great pace, but let's you stop for breath on occasion, which is welcomed. Definite shades of 28 Days Later, and all other zombie/ monster/ disaster movies. The hand held camera thing seems annoying at first, but it quite effective as the film progresses, in a Blair Witch style.
Go see this at the cinema, it won't be as good on your laptop. Keep the cinema alive (not Blockbusters though- they're finished).
Oh and there's nothing at the end of the end credits as rumoured- we sat through them. Some hilarious names though. I particularly liked Leffert Lefferts.

Film Review: Juno

A good friend of mine recommended Juno to me, so I gave it a whirl today. Mixed feelings really. The cast is good, the girl from Hard Candy and the geeky one from Superbad. But I think I was expecting more, and occasionally I felt like it was just bordering on romantic comedy territory.
I was told the soundtrack was great (John!) but I found it very tweetronising (coined by Charlie Brooker- a cross between twee and patronising). It was bordering on annoying at times. But then I've always hated Belle and Sebastian and that sort of stuff. I need a bit more grit, otherwise it just sounds like a theme tune for a cartoon. Not good.
Soundtrack aside, the film is about a 16 year old who gets pregnant and decides to give the baby up for adoption. I thought the film was a bit slow to start and that the dialogue was trying a bit too hard at first. I felt like it kind of wasn't a quirky enough story to get away with how quirky the script was at times. But I got into it, and I quite enjoyed it. I thought it was quite moving in parts, and I liked Juno's stepmum telling off the ultrasound technician and when Juno called the potential adoptive father of her baby a 'sell-out'.
If all pregnant 16 year olds wrestling with adoption issues had as idyllic a time and as understanding parents as Juno, I think the world would be a better place. Unfortunately, this is just a film. Your parents would throw you out in a second, so use a condom, dammit.

Film Review: 1408

OK, I'm officially a heathen because I watched No Country For Old Men last week and found it a complete zzz-fest, then I watched 1408, based on a Stephen King short story last night and I found it worth recommending.
Of course, you must always approach a Stephen King film with care (see: The Langoliers... no actually, don't). This film was set in a haunted hotel room so my boyfriend declared 'Oh the hotel room is probably going to turn into a giant crab or something towards the end.' Unfortunately, that didn't happen, but it was almost as loopy.
The film stars John Cusack (the filmatic equivalent of saying 'so what?') as a ailing writer who has sold out his art to write books containing descriptions of haunted hotels for a living. Samuel L Jackson is little more than a bit part as the manager of the Dolphin hotel, and has made room 1408 off limits. Forever.
But John's character talks his way in. So I was thinking, how scary can a hotel room be? The lights go on and off, there's a creaky floorboard, there's no mini-bar. It can't be that bad.
How wrong was I?! It was genuinely scary, and I don't scare easy. It was like the worst trip you've ever had. One awful thing after another happens, and after about ten minutes along with Cusack you're thinking jumping out the window seems like a smart option. There are a good variety of horrors on offer as well, so it's not just coming at you from one angle.
One thing I will say, is why did John Cusack dab his neck with a bit of toilet roll in the hotel bathroom? And more to the point WHO sent him the postcard enticing him to the hotel in the first place? And what is the whole dolphin/ boat thing about? These questions will never be answered, but it doesn't really matter.
I won't ruin it because of COURSE you're going to rush out and rent this on my recommendation. Needless to say, it has the usual helping of Stephen King cheesy dialogue, hammy back-story and OTT ending. But you know. It's a trip, but it's a fun one.