Documentary: Montage of Heck

I went to see Montage of Heck today, the documentary about Kurt Cobain. It's impossible to write about in a vacuum, because the story, the time period etc had such a profound impact on everyone of that era who was a Nirvana fan or a teenager when Kurt died. I'm sure everyone has their own story about that time, and the impact of his death culturally and emotionally. Like Patty's documentary Hit So Hard, this was very painful to watch at times and me and my friend who went to see it both came out of the cinema needing a Valium and a nice sit down.
Now here's a confession; I don't like Kurt Cobain very much. I loved him so much when I was a teenager that when he killed himself, I took it as a personal insult. I felt so deeply betrayed by him, I barely ever listened to Nirvana again. I saw him as weak and Courtney as strong, and I just thought him leaving Frances was unforgivable. I also feel like he was a bit of a pissy cunt; at one point in this documentary he goes he doesn't care about the fame, just the songs, but that wasn't true for him, just like it isn't for Morrissey. Kurt wanted the fame, but couldn't live with it when he got it. I always thought he was kind of a dick with how embarrassed he was about being seen as 'mainstream'. But hey, you get what you want and you never want it again, right?
Twenty years later and I forgive him for the suicide; I realise it was a lot more complex than it was inside my teenage brain. He was a seriously ill man, mentally and physically. But Nirvana have stayed in that kind of time capsule for me, whereas I've carried Courtney with me ever since. So it's a weird clash of nostalgia to be taken back to that time.
I think some of the childhood stuff could have been cut; I feel like I've done Kurt's childhood to death; Heavier than Heaven was a bit like Morrissey and Marr; a thesis in Kurt Cobain that we had to read back when we were greebos. I had Kurt Cobain: The Diaries and I like seeing all his doodles and lists and things (like Courtney's) but I wonder if HE would like it? And the documentary being named after his old mixtape? He was so concerned about image that I wonder if he would cringe a bit at seeing them animating his childhood doodles? I don't know, it doesn't quite sit right with me, but then some of his little bon mots were genius. He was a really intelligent man, but he just thought too much. Like when he did a doodle of Courtney and said 'You talk to much.' She does, so he mustn't have had much time to think when she was around. Probably that was part of her appeal.
I also didn't like the animated parts of the documentary that much; especially in contrast to Kurt's own drawings, which were considerably better. I just thought it was a bit pointless or a bit out of place, but my friend didn't mind it.The music was very powerful in the documentary, except for a kind of pan pipes version of one Nirvana song at the beginning, plus I don't like that kids' choir singing 'Teen spirit', it's creepy. But on the whole, the music was just so loud and powerful it just felt like you were being blasted with a hairdryer of pure pain. It was pretty effective.
I was surprised to see Kurt's dad and stepmum in the film; I don't remember seeing much about them before, although I must have read plenty about them and just forgotten it. His dad looked like a square and his stepmum looked like a leathery lizard. His mum is beautiful, and sad. Yeah he got passed around when he was younger, but his childhood was no worse than most people's I know. I think his problems ran deeper; I think his problems were in his psyche and drugs gave him a break, from when he was little onwards.
It was a shame they wheeled out his first girlfriend again; this woman gets more airtime on Kurt and Courtney documentaries than Dave Grohl (more of which later). Would you want your first boyfriend/girlfriend sharing their memories of you again and again? It's just cringey and lowest common denominator..
Krist Novoselic cut a sad sort of figure, in his pristine, Scandinavian-esque house. I think it was when they cut to Nirvana's music blaring out screaming and then cut back to him as my friend Sarah said, kind of 'covering up' for Kurt, it just felt a bit tragic. I liked him in the old clips as the only one with a sense of humour (for the most part, although Kurt was having some moustache-related bantz in the bathroom with Courtney later). Let's be honest Dave 'Kurt hated him' Grohl doesn't have much of anything to offer, and was mainly notable by his absence in this documentary, which I was pleased about. Krist was the real deal, and he must be haunted by memories too, as well as befuddled by the popularity of the Foo Fighters, like the rest of us. There's only so long that Nirvana goodwill should have lasted, and it should have run out in about 1995. God knows what happened there.
All the old Nirvana footage, magazine covers etc made me feel so nostalgic for that time, my brothers, growing up, it was just a completely different time. Every image, clip, song in this documentary took me back to my bedroom, me taping every Nirvana video or performance on the VCR. The most powerful clip was probably the 'Unplugged' footage played to death by MTV and ruined for years, but here you could see it in isolation and just how amazing it was, and tragic. The Smells like Teen Spirit video, seen for the first time, is brilliant. The nuts and bolts of it are beautiful. Criminal what they did to his legacy, really. MTV definitely made me hate several of the songs just because I was so tired of hearing them.
It felt like a very long time until Courtney showed up, but of course, these were some of the most powerful parts of the documentary. I thought we were going to get a Kurt and Courtney sex tape at one point! Courtney is right, he was more beautiful than Brad Pitt and it was obvious how much she adored him. The video footage of their relationship was so personal, and so revealing; the strength of their love, and their addiction. The clip towards the end where she's trying to get him to hold Frances and he's all scabby and nearly passing out was just horrendous. Could nobody see it? Courtney seemed far more 'with it' than him; he was deathly ill at that point, already. I'm certain he would have died one way or the other, it was just a matter of time. Terrifying to think of Frances being brought up by them at that time; but she looked like such a pudgy, healthy baby. I honestly don't know how Courtney and Frances watched this documentary together, it's just so raw.
The last clip of them in the bathroom with Frances and Courtney in the bath felt so personal. When Courtney says something like, 'I feel kind of happy right now' and he said, 'I do, too' it was just too much. He was dead four months later.
Whatever you think of Courtney, and I've heard everything people think, most of the time very much uninvited, he loved her from the bottom of his heart. Getting the crowd at Reading to say they loved her was just beautiful, and I know there are many more examples of this (The Word, etc). Even his death threats to journalists were quite romantic. I think it's sad the way she's never found anyone who can live up to him, who worships her the way he did. Do I believe she never cheated on him? No. But it's irrelevant. Their love was undeniable. I wish we could see more of the footage of the Courtney interview, but then I always want more Courtney. I just find her so fascinating. She is such a strong, flawed character.
The Heart Shaped Box era always gives me a sense of dread, because it was, of course, right near the end. Was 'I hate myself and I want to die' literal? I think we got the answer to that one. 
I'm glad the documentary finished when it did; I don't think any of us could have faced seeing that photo of him lying dead again, or the suicide note eulogy, especially not at that point.
There's no moral to the story, just a really sad, sad memory left behind, as well as the travesty of the Foo Fighters' continued success. And now I'm 34, not 14. I'm a grown up. I work the 9-5, and it's not so bad, it's better than being dead, you know? It might not seem like it when you're a rock star, but it's actually alright.
And Kurt Cobain never got to get trolled on Twitter, or get to be on E News or get doodled on by Perez Hilton. And for that he'd probably be glad. But if only he could have seen another way out. Courtney always said if only he'd gone away to an island, just jacked it all in. But he wanted the fame, and he didn't want it. And if even Frances wasn't reason enough to stay, then there was ever going to be a happy ending. He could have got clean, but he still would have been famous, and mainstream. I just don't think it was what he signed up for - or thought he was signing up for.
For so long afterwards, I waited for Courtney to die, but she never did. She could survive a nuclear war, that one, and that's why I love her. I hope her and Frances are OK and will be OK. I wish Courtney could find someone who loves her, like he did. Yet anyone would be lucky to find a love like that, even once in a lifetime.
And as for those teenagers in Nirvana t-shirts now? You weren't there, man. But we were. And it hurt.

Channel 4 Drugs live: The ecstasy trial 2 (Keith Allen finally turns up)

So here I am again. I said I'd do this blog, and I'm damn well doing it but there's people here and I'm drunk cos it's my day off tomorrow, so I'll do my best.
Why is Keith Allen being so shirty about his past drug use? Everyone knows he was a huge caner. He's coming off like a total prick. This former MP Evan Harris took an E to 'support scientific research.' Try telling that to your mum after a big Saturday night.
LOL my boyfriend's friend who was here just got picked up by his mum, sorry - girlfriend - and got in trouble cos they've been drinking all day. He basically just got forced to say goodbye and leave quick-smart. That was funny.
If Keith Allen hasn't had proper E since 1988, what the fuck was I taking in the 90s?
Isn't Keith Allen a bit old to be taking drugs? He's like an OAP. He's still moaning about the quality of the drugs. It's because you've taken so fucking many! That's why you can't feel anything.
Keith Allen just declared himself a 'renowned gurner'. Or, as I like to call it, a massive cunt. He's complaining about the editing like a Big Brother contestant. What a knobber.
Wicked, Dr Christian just told us, 'if you are going to do a pill, just do a bit and see how you feel.' Good advice. Just do a quarter like my friend SWIM.
The Tuesday blues; lol! Is that official medical terminology? Ha to that guy saying 'you need a good couple of days after to 'reflect'. Yes, reflect on a boxset of Breaking Bad and a packet of valium. That's not reflecting, it's just being a couch potato.
Ecstasy takes longer to recover from than cocaine; that's because cocaine makes you high for half an hour and E makes you high for a whole night. It's simple maths.
Captain Killjoy is telling us about all the bad bits. Mistress Mustard jacket (sorry, Professor Val Curran) is disagreeing.
I'll say it again: There's no doubt whatsoever E affects your long term memory. So does weed, so does booze, so does a traumatic event when you're younger. I agree with this Professor. That woman is kidding herself to think the effects are short term. I can't even remember my own phone number. I need to go to Derren Brown's memory palace and do a ram-raid.
SAS guy felt 'like an empty windsock' after doing E. Do you ever feel like a paperbag? Now he's speaking to Dr Adam Winstock. This is getting confusing. Windsock... Winstock. I think only Keith Allen can clear this one up.
I've seen these American MDMA therapy sessions on a documentary before. Surely the Feds should be onto her by now? Mind you, she is hiding up in the trees, like Katniss in Hunger Games. 'Let's do E and talk about your abusive father.' Um, no.
Fuck me, she looks wasted. Her eyes are all over the place, and she's stroking her leg. I'd be like 'let's talk about kittens.' Is the therapist high, too? They've got some good E (sorry, X) over there. Ha, she's got down-turned mouth, too. *esadface* Looking at you gurning isn't going to help change minds, to be honest.
Jon Snow: 'it's a big nut to crack.' Why do they keep saying things based on the guest's names? I think it's cos everyone's off their tits.
Oh Christ, it's the plastic glowing brain again. Save us.
OK we're onto the ex-politician taking the E now. He's doing it all in the name of science, like Walt. He looks confused. He's not feeling 'loved up.' He's fighting against it! He is gurning, though. So all I've learned from this show is that what I've learnt from this is if you're a boring bastard or a miserable killer you won't get much out of a pill.
Was Keith Allen on a pill or what, did we ever even find out?! He's a fucking sourpuss.
Oh we're now hearing what the people in the survey said. Did they fill in the survey when they were high?
Keith Allen is bragging about having decent drug connections. What a fucking loser. Johnny 'Country Life' Rotten did the same thing on Question Time and it was the same feeling of your dad going 'this has got a good beat'. Grow up, beardy. Lily must be hiding behind a pillow right now.
'Are you a drugs counsellor?' 'No, I'm a substance misuse practitioner.' Christian gave him short shrift after that.
I was expecting a lot more from tonight's show but it was just more of the same old drivel. What was the point of it? Just to piss off the Daily Mail? 
Let's face it; those who are drawn to drugs are going to do drugs, and those who aren't, won't. More information, yes, but a giant plastic brain and a showboating Keith Allen? It's not science, and it definitely aint cricket.

Channel 4 Drugs live: The ecstasy trial

Hahahaha, lovely. Drugs! Live! Except they're not live. They filmed it before, presumably in case someone died.
So Keith Allen on an e isn't all that shocking. A pregnant Fearne Cotton on ecstasy is shocking. Jedward on an e is shocking (half would be enough for them, I'm sure). Anne Widdecombe on an e, that I'd pay to see.
Host Jon Snow - why doesn't he get involved?! He's always in disaster movies, isn't he, declaring the end of the world. Hold on, isn't he in Human Traffic? I'm pretty sure someone has a weird trip out and Jon Snow is dancing in the middle of the club. It's all adding up, He's a secret pill muncher.
They are giving them 83 milligrams (what does that mean? These measures as as incomprehensible as alcohol units) of specially prepared ecstasy. Normally when someone 'specially prepares' ecstasy, it's with brown sugar. NB. 'ecstasy' is a lot harder to spell than it looks.
Dr Christian Jessen! Obviously a pillhead. The first patient is gurning. He says he feels 'calm and general wellbeing and feels lovely.' Yes, there's a reason it's called ecstasy and not 'misery'. That comes later.
So they are giving some placebos and some E and then asking them how they felt when their friend died - ew.
In all seriousness, it is time to properly investigate ecstasy. Let's face it; enough of us will be finding out the effects in about 30 years time, probably in the form of severe Alzheimer's.
Here's what I know about ecstasy. I used to do a lot. I've seen someone take it and say 'why don't they put this in the water?' The same person said, 'I want to give this to my mum.' Ecstasy is one of the most harmless, non-addictive and fun drugs there is. It's not to say people don't die... they do. But it should be up for adults to decide if it's worth the risk, as they do with smoking, which provide no pleasure, and jumping out of planes, which is just stupid. It's time for drug takers (like bisexuals) to come out of the closet and say, 'It's not that big a deal.'
This woman patient says she 'got loads of happy memories back.' Er.. where's the bad side? Oh I know, next Tuesday. Aw, she's crying with happiness. But she feels disconnected from God. Oh well, do another pill, that should sort it out.
How many people are going to come off this trial and go find their nearest dealer?
I can't think of anything worse than being stuck in a scanner on E! Just looking at that machine makes me anxious.
That bit where John Snow said 'take us deep inside the brain' and parted the massive plastic brain was the lols. It's like something off Brass Eye.
Gap yah kid is saying he took E last on Friday and it made him feel 'at one with himself.' You parents must be proud. Don't admit you're a pillhead on TV! It might hinder your job prospects.
LOL to the jaw clenching diagram. Jon Snow just said GURNING. Lolololololololol.
How can anyone not enjoy a feeling of euphoria? It's like saying you don't like crisps. Only Morrissey would say such a thing.
My boyfriend can't stop laughing at the light up brain. Lightupvirginbrainwave. Is it Christmas?
Seratonin! This has just gone like Human Traffic. My boyfriend is certain they're trying to sell us some E. He just said 'are they going to mention the incessant looking for things and not being able to go for a wee?' Maybe later. How about the electric shocks in your brain and the nightmares where you're paralysed? I feel like I've been on this ecstasy trial for about 15 years now. And I'm still not skinny.
I never even knew e came from a tree until THIS YEAR. Which proves that there's not much info on ecstasy, because I've read a whole book in it (incidentally, the writer of said book 'Ecstasy Reconsidered' died in a car crash).
I never knew it used to be called empathy, either. Trust the DEA to shut down the 15 years of fun times. Probably because no one wanted to go to war when they were on it. They were too busy listening to Darude. Someone just said 'disco biscuits' and it sounded as quaint as 'ghetto blaster.'
OK they're giving it to a former SAS soldier now. RELAX. 'I didn't want nothing to do with it.' I've heard people saying that about E a lot. Some people don't like losing control, but in some ways you're more in control that with booze - you can drive a car, for example (JUST KIDDING). Soldier: 'I started getting the hump with it' - LOL. He didn't have a good experience because he was fighting against it. It's like someone going incessantly, 'are you alright? Can you feel it? Can you feel it?' Just get on with it, FFS. Enjoy those free drugs, misery guts. 4% of takers don't like it. That's 96% who are happy customers!
No long term effects? My own two eyes (and poor memory) would tell me otherwise.
Ha, the guy in the studio has got his gurn on. Where the fuck is Keith Allen?
Patient: 'the pink door looks really pink.' What's worse, people talking about their drug experiences or people talking about their dreams?
A woman just said 'an entire pallet of vocabulary'. And she's not even high.
Dr Christian has come to tell us about DEATH. A man called Parrott is telling us about the downsides. People are NOT aggressive on E. I've accidentally befriended someone who'd snogged my boyfriend a few weeks before whilst on E back in Northampton in the 90s. I stopped punching people as a teenager when I started doing E and it was no coincidence.
He's right about the memory. All drugs impair your memory. Including booze. With E, though, you'll never have a whole section of the night missing though, and you probably won't accidentally end up on New Years Eve getting a cab to sleep with your ex-boyfriend who likes Doctor Who. You'll be too busy watching quiz shows and listening to hard house.
Ooh, there's a guy who's son has died now. Buzzkill. You don't see Leah Betts dad about much these days, do you? He used to be worse than Mitch Winehouse for self-publicity.
This 'Shabs' guy is more like it. He's been taking E since he was 14 and it's not done him any harm, ha. He seems perfectly OK!
I prefer these people who like doing E and staying in. Oh, it's just a cover for their homosexuality. Bless. (Blowjobs don't count if you're on E.)
It doesn't even need to be discussed that doing e enhances your friendships. Just staying up for 12 hours with someone enhances your friendship, and being able to be more honest, plus a heightened feeling of empathy enhances your friendships. Until a week later when that person is still on your couch demanding cups of tea.
This Shabs is an eloquent chap. Why are all the e-heads either really posh or thick as fuck?
It's all over! That was kind of boring, and I said too much. Do we get the comedown show tomorrow? And where the fuck is Keith Allen.
For all you need to know about ecstasy, just watch a few MTV Dancefloor charts presented by Russell Brand. It's like digging up a 90s time capsule. What with Matt Alwright getting a bottle of piss in the face, this has been a good night for TV, but this show could have done better. It was too sanitised. I want to see people vomiting and picking the E out of it to take it again. Let's see Jon Snow pick the bones out of that.
I guess I'll be blogging this tomorrow then! It's good to be back.

Film: The Wackness

'I just see the dopeness, you just see the wackness.' I don't remember ever talking like this in the 90s but hey, it's still a good line.
Someone either recommended this film to me, or I read somewhere that it was good, and I can't remember which. Either way, it's about a weed dealer and set in the 90s. I do associate weed dealing quite heavily with the 90s, but then I had a peculiar upbringing.
It's quite slow-paced; kind of like 8 Mile meets The Garden State; of which I liked both. The Eminem-style character who likes his hippity-hop is very easy on the eye. Ben Kingsley plays his psychiatrist, and he pays him in bags of weed. Even though I don't really like hip hop, the soundtrack was good, and used quite effectively I thought. I liked the mentions of Kurt Cobain and mixtapes and the lack of mobiles; that's how it was in the 90s, kids.
Is it an urban myth that a lot of dealers pose as ice-cream sellers? I'm sure I've heard that on many occasions but I've never offered anything more potent than a Nobbly-Bobbly from Mario's Ices.
I had this feeling that something bad was going to happen all the way through as it all seemed too floaty and easy. Plus those black guys with the guns looked a bit menacing at the beginning, and you know, drug dealers should get their comeuppance and all that rubbish.
Actually, it turned out to be about friendship/ coming of age and all that caboodle. Quite nice really.