Documentary: Stacey Dooley - Beaten by my boyfriend

It would be easy to mock Stacey Dooley, I guess, if you're a snob. I still don't know quite where she emerged from, and I looked it up once. She's a young woman with a thick accent (she sounds Cockney but I remember from an old episode about extremists that she's from Luton, which is near my home town of doom). But I like her documentaries and the way she interviews people. She seems genuinely interested in finding out about the underbelly of life, be it drugs, extremism, or tonight's topic. There's just something about her I like. My mum always says we're all from one of six tribes (some Bible crap, I think) and I feel like Stacey Dooley is from my tribe. It's partly the Midlands thing, partly the way she looks, I just feel an affinity with her. Her documentaries are very watchable. Who could forget the drug that gives you crocodile skin? I don't think I've ever seen a man look more high, or closer to death. It was fascinating. And Stacey Dooley didn't give him Louis Theroux side eye or Nick Broomfield impassiveness. She treated him like a fellow human.
Every 30 seconds police receive a 999 call about domestic violence. Domestic violence is a subject I had face to face experience with as a child and I care more about pretty passionately. We had our fair share of 999 calls ourselves and it wasn't much fun. It wasn't much fun watching my mum get her skull cracked open, I must say. In fact, it fucked me up royally.
This documentary focuses on young women in violent relationships. I can't imagine ever being in a controlling or violent relationship, but that's as a direct result of my own experience; I just wouldn't put up with that for a minute. Still, I understand very well how women get sucked into these relationships and how controlling boyfriends/ husbands operate. I've seen it happen to my friends, despite me begging them to leave. It's not until you're in that relationship or that environment that you understand the hold those relationships have on you. These men grind you down until you don't know what your own personality is anymore.
This poor woman is having her door fixed because her thug boyfriend has kicked it in while pregnant. Every door in my house as a child had a hole in it from a fist from the men I grew up with. Violence is one thing, but living under the threat of violence is another, and is just as bad (well, almost).
'During holidays and major sporting events 999 calls increase.' Just think about that. Women get battered because their idiot husband's team loses. That's a reality. Doesn't that terrify you? It scares the shit out of me. Imagine scaring the hell out of the person you love, harming the person you love. The scary part is when children witness this horror, or have to live with it on an ongoing basis. It's just incredibly cruel. But women are too scared to go, or don't have a place to go that's safe.
One in four women suffer from domestic violence and two women die a week. Two women die a week and it really feels like no one gives a fuck.
Stacey is visiting a refuge. One of the scariest scenes in The Fall was when that abusive husband found his wife in the refuge. That's my worst fucking nightmare, all those vulnerable women and an animal like that finds them (and yes, I know it's not real). I support Refuge because probably the scariest thing I can imagine is a woman leaving her violent partner and being turned away because there's nowhere for her to go. That's when men kill women. That's the riskiest time to be a woman.
I wish women knew better the warning signs of these psycho men; and these charming romantic types are the worst, these fuckers who buy clothes for you. I wouldn't put up with anyone jealous as that's a sign. There are so many tiny signs, but like Stacey says, they seem flattering at first. But it's not flattering if you look at it from the perspective of that man would treat ANY woman that way, so how are you special? Any woman would be treated like his own personal property.
It's so wrong that women lose their children because of abusive men, and because they can't figure out a way out. They are being punished twice, and for what? Stacey said, 'people might seem you're picking your abusive relationship over your baby.' But it's not like a domestic violence victim is making a sane and sensible choice. They aren't seeing things straight because they have had their heads screwed up by these controlling bastards.
These injunctions are good that stop men from even coming near their victims or they get five years in prison. Stacey is following the guy giving out the injunctions to these fucking arseholes now. I couldn't look at them myself.
I was disappointed that we had to have the obligatory 'women are violent too' mention, which is such a minuscule issue it's not even worth mentioning, except to make men feel better about all the women they murder. I hate that they fudge the issue like that! The show is called 'Beaten by my boyfriend.' And even now MEN on Twitter are telling me how women are violent, too. Well, they weren't in my house. It was just the men. The men with the tempers and the men with the baseball bats and the men with the brute fucking force. It just said nine out of ten attacks are by men and still men whine 'what about women who beat men up?' It's my female friends who have abusive dads, not abusive mums. I just wish these men would shut the fuck up. I'd be ashamed if I was a man. I wouldn't be arguing with women about the statistics. I'd be trying to work out why the fuck men were doing it. Why should I cry for that one man getting beaten up for every nine women? Fuck him. I don't care about him, I really don't, and if that sounds harsh, then tough. I guess my experiences made me that way. Honestly, it makes me fucking furious. Are there refuges full of hundreds of terrified men, all across the country? No, there aren't! So shut up. Stick your statistics, because I don't care. I care about women getting battered in front of their children and killed for daring to leave their boyfriend.
Why DO men do this to women? Why do they think they have the right to treat women like this? I just don't get it. Women just have to stop dying. Men have to stop killing us. Claire's law is really important but it's not enough. It's terrible that funding for refuges are being cut. It's a death sentence to women. But like the Tories fucking give a shit. What's a few dead women to them? I liked Stacey sticking it to Teresa May. I liked her question of 'what would you like to say to these girls?' a if an MP cares.
I'm glad Stacey went to a place where abusers get rehabilitated because I do believe - in fact, I know - that men can be rehabilitated but a massive part of that is actually waking up and realising what the fuck you've done. I've seen it happen. And I've seen it not happen. And these boneheaded straw man arguments of 'well women do it, too' doesn't help either side. It's just another way to put women in their place along with bashing in their front doors - and their skulls.

Documentary: I woke up gay

Sorry I missed The Voice, I was mucking about on rollercoasters at Alton Towers. Revolving chairs and then some; super fun. Such a great weekend.
Yay, another BBC3 documentary! Strap in for some of the good shit. I've read about this story so I'm really looking forward to this. I've also been enjoying The Undateables which is heartbreaking. I hardly think the blonde girl in the 2nd episode was undateable though, just because she was in a wheelchair. She was really pretty and lovely. Let's not go overboard. Some of the cases are very sad, though. But I believe there's someone out there for everyone. I'm a romantic!
Anyway, I digress. Back to the matter at hand. I love the idea of this story, it would make a good film, but it's real. I love things like this that call into question the very idea of 'self', I just find it so, so interesting, as I'm so entrenched in myself and who I am and my personality. I've always been so sure of myself, that to be so dramatically changed would be so weird.
A freak accident made Chris gay. How does THAT happen?! I've never heard of anything like it. He did a wonky forward roll down a hill and had a stroke that turned him gay. Scientists said it was impossible. But he should know whether he was gay or not before! It's an interesting take on it, though.
I love the thought of his old self watching this programme in horror. It's like when someone loses their memory and has to rediscover their personality and they don't like their old one or their old friends or anything.
It's obvious his brain got rewired from the stroke. I believe him. I don't think he was always gay. Weird unexplainable things do happen; look at people who have an organ transplant and start liking chicken nuggets or speaking Spanish.
Oh, he DOES have memory loss. This explains the complete change of personality, then. It must be hard for his friends and family to have a 'new' Chris. Must be sad to lose your memory like that. I have a bad memory. But not that bad.
I like the fact he refers to 'old Chris liking motorbikes, I really don't care anymore.' It's like 'old Chris' is some annoying relative he's chained to.
How weird watching him have those photos developed and not even recognising himself. 'I look chavvy'; how funny! It's like he doesn't even like his old self. He did look like the type of person you'd avoid on a cheap package holiday before.
It's sad that he's not close to his mum anymore. It must have been hard for her to see her son completely change personality, but how can she stop loving him? It's still him. Or is it? I suppose it's like a death of 'old Chris'. But either way, he's still her son. I wonder if it's because of the personality change or the sexuality change? Both, I suppose.
Children shouldn't have to write letters to parents asking them to live up to their fucking responsibilities. It makes me so angry. What part of being a parent don't these people get? Aren't you meant to be a parent no matter what? Thank fuck I'm never having kids but I seriously treat my cats better than some people treat their kids. It's disgraceful.
I thought his boyfriend's dismissal of the situation was quite patronising. I guess it's hard for him to prove he was never closeted if he can't remember. But I believe him. My boyfriend said maybe the stroke gave him to freedom to 'be gay' but maybe his new personality WAS just gay. I don't know, it's a headfuck. Does he even have to justify himself? I think I would in his situation.
That's sad that he lost his friends as they didn't have anything in common anymore. I've seen that before in memory loss cases.
How does this scientific test involving a joystick and listening to Wires by Athlete determine you're gay? I liked the scientist referring to the stroke as a 'neurological insult'. I also liked the boyfriend worrying another stroke might turn him 'straight' again!
I like this guy Chris. He knows his own mind. His mum would surely know if he was gay before, or his brothers. Could he be bisexual? It's not even been mentioned as a possibility. I know people who've 'changed' sexuality, so to speak, ie. a female friend in a straight relationship for many years who's been gay for about ten years and doesn't identify as bi. I also know bi people in 'straight' relationships and vice versa, so it's not always black and white. Bi invisibility!
Could you be so strongly in denial about your sexuality that you fuck millions of girls? I suppose you could. But I believe he believes he was not gay before. Therefore he was not gay before.
I think it's a good idea to track down an ex and find out what she thinks. But even they could only guess, I think, because who knows what goes on in people's heads? But it would be an educated guess, at least.
There's more to the human mind than we know. If you bang that frontal lobe the wrong way, it can turn you into a psychopath. I read about one guy who had an accident and became addicted to porn and gambling. Plus we only use 5% of our brains. We don't understand everything; just ask David Icke.
It must be weird for that ex girlfriend that he doesn't remember that stuff. But I can barely remember some of my exes. I didn't think she was very helpful!
I like that guy he met who had a stroke and went from a builder to an artist. He was cool! His art was nuts, his whole house was covered. It's like some part of his brain has been unlocked. I liked him not remembering getting his tattoos. I want to unlock a weird bit of my brain. Not a bad bit, though. You have to be be careful with that Pandora's box, just ask the Big Brother USA contestants.
I can't fucking BELIEVE his mum didn't reply to his letter! Oh sorry, did you prefer your old homophobic son? I know I'm exaggerating for dramatic effect there, but come on. He's your son! He's alive! Wake up before you regret it. Seriously, anyone who says 'blood is thicker than water' is thicker than pigshit. Blood don't mean dick. It's loyalty that counts.
I found this documentary absolutely fascinating. It's like when someone gets Alzheimers, where does their 'old' self go? Does it lie in wait? Is it annihilated? What is 'identity'? It's almost something close to spirituality, as loathe as I am to use that word. Do we go on? And if we do, what will it look like? Who'd have thought BBC3 could bring up all these questions? Good stuff!

BBC3 documentary: Love me Love my face

There's been precious few 'shock docs' on lately; me and my best mate used to base our social life around shows like 'The Boy Who's Skin fell off' and the latest progeria doc. People go 'freak show' but that's not what it's about. These programmes are where you find out what people are really made of; and what society is made of.
This story follows Jono, who has a genetic condition called treacher collins, that means he's basically got no bones in his face. To describe him I'd say his face looks weirdly melted. He kind of looks like a Who from Who-ville, and is more weird-looking than ugly. He's unusual, like he should be in a Tim Burton film, or a cartoon. But he's no more strange looking than half the people you see on Jeremy Kyle each morning (audience members included), in fact, he's much more normal.
Wow, his parents gave him up for adoption because of the way he looked. How horrific.
He's got a pretty girlfriend, and people can't quite wrap their head around it. Sad really, isn't it. I can already tell by the end of this show I'll be used to how he looks. So what is everyone's problem? They both seem like really decent people- is it so hard to believe that she could love him?
Jono is looking for his birth parents, even though they were 'horrified' by his appearance. How heartbreaking. Did his mum not love him and want to protect him? I can't understand that. If he doesn't find them, I hope they watch this show and feel thoroughly ashamed of themselves.
Jono; I don't think the mullet is helping, though. He's slagging off bowl cuts! I've got a bowl cut right now. Watch what you're saying, young man.
Really sad when he was talking about his parents and if they celebrate his birthday, or if they don't mention it. I bet a million quid they're not still together; how could they look at each other?
I'm blubbing now! Oh dear. His adopted mum is so lovely. God, it's so unfair the way some complete wankers can have kids and some really good people can't; the world is fucked.
Jono also has hearing problems. Sucky. I was wondering when plastic surgery was going to come up. Conform! Look like everyone else! But aren't we all guilty of it?
But he doesn't want surgery. You get used to your face, don't you. I respect that.
You have a 50/50 chance of passing on this condition to the baby. But how could you not do it; especially after your parents gave you up? It'd be like saying your life isn't worth living, when it is.
For some reason Jono is now sitting in a wheelie bin full of cold water; not entirely sure why.
I don't think his parents are going to want to know. People like that don't change. Oh fuck,have they rejected him again? OMG what is wrong with people? How can you have no heart like that? It's devastating.
It's obvious this show is just him trying to reach out to those cunts. It's just one big scream of 'I'm here!' and who can blame him? I hope they can't sleep at night. Evil, evil people, and I don't bandy that word around.
I am agog at the cruelty of his parents. Abandoned once; but then just told to fuck off again? Oh god, and he's still making excuses for them! God, don't they realise what they're missing out on? This is a subject that touches a nerve for me; heartless parents who don't give a fuck about their own children. I hope they rot.
Thank god for his adopted mother. I am proper sobbing.
I liked his girlfriend's attitude to it; calling them heartless and castigating them for putting him up for adoption within a few hours. I sometimes wonder how I can live in this world with people like his parents in it. We really are doomed. It really, really is their loss.
Jono went to visit the parents of a little girl who had the same condition as him. She looked lots like him, but her parents kept her.
Turns out his 'real' grandma wrote to him and visited him a few times when he was little. So the whole family weren't callous arseholes. She sent him £30 every Christmas and birthday. I wonder what she thought of her daughter or son's behaviour? Fucked up.
Good luck Jono and Laura; I hope it all works out for you guys.
I leave with you with this thought from Morrissey; 'if the people stare, the people stare. I really don't know and I really don't care.'

BBC3: Glamour models, mum and me

What do you do when your mum is Alicia Douvall and she's pushing you to be a glamour model? Run away screaming.
Alicia Douvall is tapped in the head. Her thinking that 'the body is powerful and can make her easy money' about her own daughter Georgia is so screwed up, it's enough to make a feminist weep. What mother wants her daughter to have an unnecessary operation? She probably just wants her to be as disfigured as she is. I think the kid sees right through it; well it's not exactly a good advert, is it?
You are SEXUALISING A CHILD. Fucked up! It's actually child abuse.
Of course, if your mum wants you to be a glamour model, you become a scientist. If your mum wants you to be a scientist you become a glamour model. That's why I'm not having kids.
Alicia is an absolute idiot. Telling your child they don't need a back up plan when your plan seemed to be selling 25,000 kiss and tells and getting your face mashed up is pathetic. She looks like a burns victim.
Bloc Party are the background music for every BBC3 documentary I ever see! Kele, what you playing at?!
God, then Alicia is insisting she's her daughter's best friend. Just be a MOTHER. And I don't normally judge people's parenting, because I don't exactly have any experience in that area, but come on. Even an idiot guest on Jeremy Kyle could work this one out.
Next Georgia had to miss a load of school because Alicia had to have her breast operation fixed in LA. Jesus. She is actually jeopardising her kid's chance at an education to have work done on her mangled body.
The imbalance in their relationship is seriously disturbing. Georgia seems about 30 and Alicia seems about 12.
Even in agony at the millionth breast reconstruction, Alica was STILL trying to persuade her small child to get a boob job. That is mental illness.
Alicia: 'she speaks in another language to me, about atoms, not bikinis'. Yes, she's got a brain. She's seen who you are, and doesn't want to be it.
At the end there was some unconvincing epiphany when Alicia said to her daughter, 'you're perfect as you are.'
Yeah, see you in Nuts. Unless you RUN. Run, kiddo.

Nicola Roberts: The Truth about Tanning

Well, it's a step up from Natalie Cassidy, I guess. Soz I'm late on this one. I've been working hard- which doesn't suit me.
I've never understood the appeal of orange; I've always been the emo kid (well, greebo as it was called back in my day), so pale has always been beautiful to me. I was brought up on Hole's Miss World video, and I wanted face powder as white as Courtney's, and got some, from Stargazer in Camden (where else, the same place you get your stripey socks and pots of Directions hair dye in a rainbow of shades) And nothing has changed. I like complexions like Kelly Osbourne or Dita Von Teese; porcelain white. Tans= Jordan. It also equals hard work when you live in England. Don't get me wrong, my boyfriend came back from a holiday in LA once and looked like something off the OC. He looked healthily handsome. We enjoyed it for about three days, and then it was gone. That's how it is to be English- deal with it.
Nicola Roberts big eyebrows are cool! She looks like someone's just dug her up in her cream lace, and I mean that as a compliment. She's like Margaret Thatcher crossed with a sparrow. I'd like to be a little twiggy sparrow like her. I like her pale ginger hair too, I might go for a bit of that at some point.
She looked rubbish with a tan. Gingers aren't meant to have tans. My mum's ginger so I've got the ginger gene, and I know.
It's funny hearing her talk about wanting to 'fit in'- I can't relate to that at all. I've ALWAYS wanted to be different, to look different to everyone else. I'm probably quite boring now by comparison but at least if I go for a haircut, you'll know about it, I don't just get an inch trimmed off and expect you to notice. It's good to make a statement with your appearance.
Nicola went to visit some idiot bloke who uses sunbeds for 28 minutes a day, and then spray tans himself. He made David Dickinson look like Darnell off Big Brother (if you're working for this joke, you need to stoop to my level). But he's just come out the closet, he's allowed to go a bit mental, Dan Savage taught me this. Oh hold on, he's now 26, and came out of the closet at 18, scratch that.
Snack update: Yum, Morrisons cola bottles are lush, they taste just like petrol.
Nicola's hair is amazing! How does she get it to stay sideways like that? I like her, actually, I've never really seen her talk before. I liked her asking that guy to stop injecting himself with beta carotene, or whatever it was. I think age has made her wiser. She was quite strict with him!
True Romance music! That makes me want to watch Medium instead of crap BBC3 docs. Actually, this isn't crap, it's better than I thought it would be.
OMG they are playing Moz! 'In my life why do I give valuable time to people who I'd much rather kick in the eyeeeeeeeeee?' Cool! Heat is murder? (laboured).
Next Nicola went to the cancer ward, and to the sunbed shops. It was interesting that a lot of sunbed shops are in areas of deprivation; I guess because it's a cheap 'treat'. Have they never seen Final Destination 3?
Skin cancer is one of the grimmest you can get. There should definitely be more regulation in with the sunbeds, stronger health warnings. More emphasis on the accelerated ageing process from burning your skin. If it's about vanity; hit the vanity aspect. No one wants to end up looking like Donatella Versace.
Nicola went to watch the skin cancer being cut out. Watching operations is horrible; I used to work in a plastic surgeons and I could watch any I liked. I didn't take them up on that offer, but I saw them shoving someone's breast implants in once. They hadn't consented to me seeing. Lovely.
Next Nicola went to meet the mum of Hayley, who died from skin cancer. You could see from the pictures how tanned she was. Just awful to think women could unwittingly inflict that on themselves.
Someone rang a radio show to say Nicola was taking pale 'to extremes'. Except being pale doesn't kill you- dur. I liked Nicola getting angry, she seemed honest and just like a normal person. I have newfound respect for her.
Ooh they just played Newborn by Muse. I forgot about when Muse were good.
The Sunbed Association woman looked leathery! Heh. Bad advert.
It's rather trite to say, but I think Nicola Roberts IS beautiful. And it's funny she's always been the 'ugly' one, because so many of my ex boyfriends (ok there's not been THAT many) liked her the best out of Girls Aloud. And now I agree. Quirky beats Tweedy, any day. I admire what she's done. It takes strength to change your position on something and it takes strength to be different. Good on her.

BBC3: Kirsten's Topless Ambition

You may NOT remember children's TV presenter Kirsten O' Brien from the broom cupboard (that must have been after the Schofield/ Crane/ Anstis golden era) or Smart, the art show WITHOUT that creepy guy in it (no, not Tony Hart, Neil Buchanan- and yes, I did have to look up his name).
Having watched many of her contempories speed past her on the career ladder (except Mark Speight who sadly wound up dead), she wondered if a route to moving to the next step could be to get her boobs out. Great. What a good example to the next generation.
She offended me within the first five seconds by refering to her breasts as 'norks' and then 'puppies'. Blergh.
Aw, she wants to be Cat Deeley, Mylene Klass or Fearne Cotton. Personally, I want to shoot the three of them. But hold on, I don't remember them getting their bits out (and I'm sure I would have). Oh, they did bikini shoots in FHM. That could have just been a coincidence, though.
Christ, Kirsten's stand up comedy must be pretty dire if that was her best joke. It was sad when she went out on the street to see if anyone recognised her and no one did. I would have, peculiarly. But I probably wouldn't have been able to name her.
What kind of person calls their breasts knockers?! I don't even like the word 'tits'.
Kirsten went to meet her friend presenter Angelica Bell (who I'd never heard of, but she did look vaguely familiar- although, less so than Kirsten) who modelled for FHM and then got a job on the One Show. From what I've seen, pretty much anyone can get a job on the One Show, it's bloody awful!
Angelica said she was so flattered that they wanted her to do it, 'I thought i'd never be in a men's mag, who would think I'm sexy?' For God's sake, they have any old boot-faced nobody from Big Brother in them; it's not about sexy, it's about 'let's see who we can get to take their clothes off for cash!' Like in casting couch pornos, basically. If you think that says anything about your own sexual worth, I pity you. She said 'it's not hurting anyone, it's not harming anyone' but actually, as a children's television presenter, it is. It's saying the sum of your parts is your body, not your presenting skills, and it puts women back. Ant and Dec didn't strip off to get gigs. They just worked hard. Kirsten did make this point later, to be fair, but then she said, it doesn't occur for blokes but for women..' but doesn't she understand the reason WHY that is? Because it's the EASY option to just be that bit of fluff, that airhead on a magazine. It's easy for men to put us in that box, espeically when we're so keen to get inside it ourselves. It's also tragic. I only ever wanted to be brainy.
I found it interesting what the agent she went to see said about 'dressing for where you want to be, not for where you are.' That's a fair point. And he was right; as she is still working in kid's TV it could damage her career greatly to go down the sexy route.
It was weird when she went to Zoo and met some glamour model who just introduced herself with her boobs out and made no attempt to cover herself up. What a weird alternative universe.
I was amused when she went to see a 'stylist to the stars' who said he just saw her 'as some twat from the broom cupboard.' URGH, then he told her she needed to bare her soul (ie. spill the beans on the Mark Speight drug/suicide tragedy) 'not in a tacky way, but in a Grazia way'. Gross! I'm glad she said she wasn't willing to do that (even if it wasn't directly to his face) He said 'thats the way we use the media.' No. That's the way the media uses YOU. Then he told her very matter-of-factly, 'men are not going to wank over you.' Good. That should be the best news she's had all day.
She went to Front magazine (no, me neither) who said they catered for the more emo-girls-with-their-jugs-out market. How very alternative! The offices looked full of the biggest losers of all time; blokes who could only dream of losing their virginity once they move out of their mum's.
Next Kirsten went to Anthea Turner's (insert mention of OK/ chocolate bar here) mansion to ask her about getting her kit of for Tatler (I must have wiped that particular image from my brain). It doesn't really matter if it's Tatler or Nuts, it only takes one look at your boobs, doesn't it. But then Anthea's boobs were covered by a snake (insert joke about Grant Bovey here). Anthea advised her not to do it.
Kirsten's next stop was Hooters, where they look for girls 'with a bubbly personality'. So they'd employ someone who was a size 16, yeah? Don't make me laugh. I doubt if those shorts go much higher than a 12. Oh God, then she went to see Peter Stringfellow. Fuck me. His definition of sexy appears to be two-tone hair. He told her to go be the new Carol Vorderman as she wasn't sexy! I don't think Stringfellow was saying that you can't be funny and sexy (look at me for example..!) I think he was saying Kirsten isn't funny and sexy.
It was sad when she went to FHM and he basically said they weren't interested and she got her polaroids out. He said 'you're borderline, you have an acceptable face.' Charming! Then she said 'it's good to hear.' No it isn't! Even I thought it was harsh and he wasn't saying it to me.
So in the end, she decided not to do it (mainly because no one wanted her to). Maybe she can be the new Natalie Cassidy, or Alesha Dixon, doing frilly little documentaries about body image for BBC3. Oh.

BBC3: Snog, Marry, Avoid?

I've managed to tune in some more Freeview channels! Hurrah!
Snog Marry Avoid? is the best makeover show on telly! The least ugly one from Atomic Kitten takes a couple of Northern slappers who make Jodie Marsh look as pallid as Michael Jackson's and give them a make-under. But I love their trashy looks! They look wicked with their make-up all splodged on and their furry boots and a bit of tape for a skirt. There is something fascinating about women who wear make-up as a mask and all their fake hair and everything. It's brilliant! It shows personality.
When they show the girls on the streets in town centres up North, it's like another world. I've never seen so much hairspray in my entire life. 'Being orange is good' one of them said. But why? It's weird! But wonderful.
Emo interlude: Then they had one girl who looked like a nu-raver (or cyber kid as we used to call them back in the day) who had her ears made into 'elf ears' via plastic surgery. Nice! Good luck down the job centre, love. (God, I sound like Richard Littlejohn today!)
Back to the Serena Slazengers. 'Tangerine is better than pasty white.' No! Pale is beautiful! They do look COMPLETELY different after the makeovers, and I like the fact the makeover takes one second. I hate the way they drag out 10 Years Younger (and I also want to kick Nicky Hambleton-Jones in the fanny).
They make them look awful afterwards, like boring school teachers. This must be how their boyfriends feel when they see them in the morning!
Ah, it's a hard life being a natural beauty. *cough*